A new Chapter of The Pain is coming up soon, but in the meantime I'm posting this little entry that I wrote last night while being very annoyed at Corazon Salvaje. Yes, again. Because that show is just reeking with cliches and bad storytelling devices; and while I can ignore them most of the time because they provide moments of hilarity, sometimes it they just bug me. This one in particular is something that I see a lot not only in Novelas but in more "normal" mediums: TV shows (specially sitcoms and melodramas), movies, novels, etc. It's one of those things that always seem like the producers are yelling "THIS IS REAL THIS REALLY HAPPENS" at you. And I don't think it ever happens in real life. At least I'd like to think it doesn't, because people just can't be that stupid. And of course, the type of life-or-death secrets we're talking about here just never happen in the real world.
So here we go. Really Annoying Storytelling Cliche #1:
It so happens that Person 1 has a really terrible secret. Most people know about the secret, except Person 2, who is the love of their life. The terrible secret might not even be so terrible and Person 2 would probably understand, but Person 1 is too scared to tell anyway, because the plot dictates that it be so. But eventually a moment comes (usually when a third party tries to interfere and break up the loving couple) when Person 1 just can't live with the secret anymore and MUST confess to Person 2. This conversation ensues, following every step to the letter:
Person 1 (super earnest): I MUST TELL YOU THE TRUTH NOW
Person 2 (besotted and insistent): The truth doesn't matter! all that matters is that I love you!
Person 1: But I must tell you--
Person 2: HUSH, MY PET! All that matter is the now!
Person 1: BUT LISTEN TO ME--
Person 2: the past is past, my darling! do not fret! All that matters is our future!
Person 1: BUT this could affect our future--
Person 2: I don't want to hear it! Nothing will ever cloud your perfection!
Person 1: BUT--
Person 2: Let us go have some cake*!
Person 1: *gives in* OH, FINE. Because I love you so.
*Or some other stupid interruption. The phone, the doorbell, a friend, etc.
**As they're getting cake or whatever**
Person 2: Oh my darling!
Person 1 (anxious): Um, I gotta go to the bathroom
Person 2: hurry back! I must gaze into your perfection again soon!
*Person 3 saunters along*
[Person 3 is usually a jealous ex-lover, or just someone who wants to drive the two apart]
Person 3: Hi there Person 2! Remember how we used to have that passionate relationship but we fucked it up?
Person 2: I remember, but it doesn't matter now because I have found the Flower of Perfection in Person 1.
Person 3: hey, so did you hear about that horrible thing Person 1 did a while ago?
Person 2: WHAT? WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!
Person 3: dunno, probably cos they're so horrible. Ciao!
*Person 3 saunters off, Person 1 comes back*
Person 1: heyo!
Person 2: OMG YOU HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON HOW COULD YOU DO THAT
Person 1: But! But I tried to tell y--
Person 2: YOU ARE HORRIBLE HOW DID YOU NOT TRUST ME I AM SO WOUNDED NOW
Person 1: *sob* NOOOO!
*person 2 storms off*
**A while later after much conflict has ensued**
Person 2: Hey I totally forgive you for that horrible thing you did
Person 1: YAY MY LOVE! I forgive you for yelling at me and not trusting me and hating me and insulting me! I forgive you even though you refused to listen to me when I tried to unburden myself to you!
Person 2: Awesome! let's make out.
*THE END*
Of course, #1 is never strong enough to just tell #2 to shut the fuck up and LISTEN already. #2 is too much of an idiot to listen, and then too proud to want to figure out why the other person didn't say it earlier. #3 is someone #2 KNOWS not to trust but they trust them ANYWAY even when they've twisted the story to fit their nefarious plans. And the whole thing is just such a stupid, lazy plot device used to create conflict and drive the couple apart so that they can have a happy reunion in the end. And I want it banned FOREVER.
To all writers out there: PLEASE STOP DOING THAT.
Thank you,
-Fig
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A Book Review: "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend" by Christopher Moore
Because I do read actually great stuff while skewering Twilight.
As for this book: Read it. As soon as possible.
It's a complete riot. The premise is this: the titular character, Biff, has been brought back from the dead in the year 2000 so he could write a gospel about Jesus' life up until he turned 33 and became famous--pretty much everything that's missing from the Bible.
Turns out that Jesus (or Joshua in the book) had a pretty exciting life before all that other good stuff he did in the New Testament. Him and Levi Who is Called Biff go on a quest to find the three Wise Men who came to witness Joshua's birth, so that maybe they'll give Joshua some advice as to how to become the Messiah. They end up wandering around for 16 years, learning about other ancient religions in Persia, India and Tibet. Then they get back and things get back to what we already know happened. Only, of course, we never got the whole story before.
It's so much fun to read. Biff is the kind of friend I think we all have, an impulsive, sex-crazed smartass who is weak of flesh but fiercely loyal to Joshua. Joshua is also hilarious: Moore makes him completely human and approachable. While he does recite some prophetic wise sayings, he also gets frustrated easily and becomes fluent in sarcasm and creative swearing. He has a great sense of humor even while carrying around the huge responsibility that is being God's only son. Their friendship is at the core of the story and what makes it so great--they're both different but constantly play off each other, and their exchanges are just so damn fun and smart that the story only gets bogged down when the two aren't alone together.
The book is a bit slow towards the start, so it's really when they leave Jerusalem that thins get really good. There's elements of the supernatural sprinkled here and there--they battle demons and Joshua manages to make himself invisible. It's incredibly funny, but also dark and somber in spots, which makes for a completely engrossing read. There's genuinely touching scenes, and the ending (which we all know, really) had me in tears because of the incredible journey the two made together. The best thing, though, is that they're just two guys, one of whom just happens to be the Messiah. They have fun together, they argue, they call each other names and feel embarrassed of one another. They're just two great friends.
I can't recommend it enough. It may take a bit to get used to the anachronisms (of language, mostly, and it's just so damn funny that you don't mind it after a while). Moore is a great writer, and he clearly loves his characters and the story.
And it's worth reading for two things that I loved more than anything in the book(and I loved just about the entire thing): One, the scenes between Biff and the Angel. The latter becomes obsessed with modern television, specially soap operas. The second is the scene where Joshua resurrects Lazarus--just to give you a taste, he refuses to come out of the cave because he's "All icky".
I'm still laughing at that.
As for this book: Read it. As soon as possible.
It's a complete riot. The premise is this: the titular character, Biff, has been brought back from the dead in the year 2000 so he could write a gospel about Jesus' life up until he turned 33 and became famous--pretty much everything that's missing from the Bible.
Turns out that Jesus (or Joshua in the book) had a pretty exciting life before all that other good stuff he did in the New Testament. Him and Levi Who is Called Biff go on a quest to find the three Wise Men who came to witness Joshua's birth, so that maybe they'll give Joshua some advice as to how to become the Messiah. They end up wandering around for 16 years, learning about other ancient religions in Persia, India and Tibet. Then they get back and things get back to what we already know happened. Only, of course, we never got the whole story before.
It's so much fun to read. Biff is the kind of friend I think we all have, an impulsive, sex-crazed smartass who is weak of flesh but fiercely loyal to Joshua. Joshua is also hilarious: Moore makes him completely human and approachable. While he does recite some prophetic wise sayings, he also gets frustrated easily and becomes fluent in sarcasm and creative swearing. He has a great sense of humor even while carrying around the huge responsibility that is being God's only son. Their friendship is at the core of the story and what makes it so great--they're both different but constantly play off each other, and their exchanges are just so damn fun and smart that the story only gets bogged down when the two aren't alone together.
The book is a bit slow towards the start, so it's really when they leave Jerusalem that thins get really good. There's elements of the supernatural sprinkled here and there--they battle demons and Joshua manages to make himself invisible. It's incredibly funny, but also dark and somber in spots, which makes for a completely engrossing read. There's genuinely touching scenes, and the ending (which we all know, really) had me in tears because of the incredible journey the two made together. The best thing, though, is that they're just two guys, one of whom just happens to be the Messiah. They have fun together, they argue, they call each other names and feel embarrassed of one another. They're just two great friends.
I can't recommend it enough. It may take a bit to get used to the anachronisms (of language, mostly, and it's just so damn funny that you don't mind it after a while). Moore is a great writer, and he clearly loves his characters and the story.
And it's worth reading for two things that I loved more than anything in the book(and I loved just about the entire thing): One, the scenes between Biff and the Angel. The latter becomes obsessed with modern television, specially soap operas. The second is the scene where Joshua resurrects Lazarus--just to give you a taste, he refuses to come out of the cave because he's "All icky".
I'm still laughing at that.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Pain: Chapter 11
I have fallen behind on The Pain. Must get through it quick, it'll hurt less. Like pulling off a dirty, sparkly band-aid.
Let's go!
***
CHAPTER 11: COMPLICATIONS
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 9
Quick n Hard Summary:
Klutz and Sparkles are finally official. They go to school and Klutz is klutzy, and Eddie stalks her by reading other people's minds some more. Eddie asks Bella a bunch of question and we find out she's the most painfully boring person on the planet, but of course he still likes her. They're in love. It's all mind-numbingly dull because this woman can't write anything interesting about these two fuckwits.
Real-Time Notes:
-Everyone stares at the new Brangelina. I shall call them SparKlutz.
I can see how this is another case of wish-fulfillment: every ordinary, outcast girl out there wanted to be noticed by the hottest guy in school. The problem here though, is that Bella is neither an outcast nor unnoticed. Everyone seems to like her (for some reason) and she has all the hot guys in school after her. She's not sympathetic at all, but Meyer insists that she is, and that we should be happy for her because she's such an outcast. The only indication we get that Bella is an outcast is that she keeps calling herself one even though she clearly isn't! It makes no sense at all, which really shouldn't surprise us coming from Meyer.
10
Bella is seriously super horny right now and it's hilarious.
"A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me."
Yeah, it's definitely a good thing he can't read her thoughts. He'd probably run away because ew, sex! goodMormon vampire boys don't have impure thoughts!
- There's a lot of stuff in that vein in this chapter, to the point where it gets uncomfortable to read. Just make out with him already for crying out loud.
11
"His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before."
Jesus H. Christ. She is TOTALLY out of it and it's hilarious/pathetic. You can just see the little birds and hearts bubbling out over her head. Oh, Edward!
-Gym. She plays tennis and whacks herself on the head because she is the very picture of grace and elegance. But you know this is just some incredibly boring interlude until she can stare at Eds some more and we get another painful scene. And yep, that's what happens.
12
"But my worries were unnecessary. Edward was waiting, leaning casually against
the side of the gym, his breathtaking face untroubled now."
Dammit. HE IS PRETTY. WE GET IT.
-Ed makes fun of her for what she did in gym, which he 'saw' because he read Mike's mind. Seriously, how does your typical reader not get how totally CREEPY this is? It's like the dude has cameras trailing her ALL THE FUCKING TIME and he can watch her every move and it's CREEPY. Maybe I can see some really clueless girls not getting the creepiness, but once again, the fact that grown women like this guy just gives me the shivers.
-Aha. Bella pretends to be offended for about 5 seconds, but you know she really likes it. She makes him promise to not do it again and uhuh, likely story. Dude's a fucking stalker and he ain't gonna stop because you asked him, sweetheart. Because you're a dumbass.
-She asks why she can't come see him hunt. He tells her that basically he'd want to kill her, too. She finds this totally hot, as we all would (ick). They stare at each other some more and would you please just KISS already or will this be dragged out 15 more chapters?
-No kiss. And I know for a fact that they don't have sex for like another three books or so. Meyer is the worst tease in the world. By the time she actually writes any payoff you're already bored to death.
-Another page and a half (in a .pdf, remember) that amounts to this: I woke up. Ate. Talked to Dad. Ran to Eddie when he came to pick me up because SQUEE.
-This is seriously some of the most long winded, useless filler I have ever fucking read. And I've read VICTOR HUGO, Meyer. But 25 pages describing the life of a priest who dies 2 pages later is NOTHING compared to the torture you put me through, Meyer. You're horrible.
-There's this incredibly long passage where Eddie questions Bella. About every single thing in her life. They have the same records (OMG IT'S TRUE LOVE)! She likes different colors because she's SPECIAL and DIFFERENT. He's completely fascinated by everything she says because that's a rule in books like this one.
-HAAAAAAAAAA! he asks what her favorite gemstone is (seriously? who asks this? ever?) and she blurts out topaz and he wants to know why.
"It's the color of your eyes today," I sighed, surrendering, staring down at my hands as I fiddled with a piece of my hair. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."
Guys. She's gone full retard.
-Argh. We get a Biology Class scene that is fucking exactly the same as the one the day before.
-"I hurried to change afterward, ill at ease, knowing the faster I moved, the sooner I would be with Edward."
Let me go on a tangent for a bit here.
See, this reminds me of something Stephen King wrote in the Dark Tower series. More specifically, the one that has a big love story. As he's telling the story, he has his main character say that true love is boring-to everyone outside the wonderful couple. And it honestly just is. Once the courtship-admittedly the interesting part for the flirting and the cute little moments- is over and the couple gets together, does anyone really get anything but completely exhausted at hearing how much a couple loves each other? I admit to being a complete sap for love stories, but even I get bored when reading about Relationship Bliss, or even when someone is telling me about their perfect boyfriend. At one point you just stop caring and, while you're happy for the other person, you just wish they'd find something else to talk about.
It's the reason why so many love stories are about the courtship, and so few are about the couple being blissfully happy--it's obnoxious, and nobody cares. And this just happened with Sparklutz, and their courtship ended awfully quickly. And now Bella's just rubbing The Perfection in everybody's face--how perfect Ed is, how much he's interested in her and just...man, think about something else for a second. I suppose the young girls want to identify with this, but my God. It's boring, repetitive, embarrassing to read and just plain obnoxious. WE GET IT. He is nice and pretty and sweet and is totally obsessed with you. Everyone who's been in love knows how completely absorbing it can be. It's all you think of. But remember when you finally realized that all your friends were avoiding you because you wouldn't talk about any other damned thing besides your boyfriend? Haven't we all known someone like that and grown sick of them?
SO, MOVE ON. GIVE ME A PLOT. But no! this shit is gonna get dragged along for 200 more pages until we get some kind of plot going on. And it's just gonna piss me off. BUT I WILL FINISH THIS. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.
-Anyway. Bella's talking about why she loves Phoenix:
The hardest thing to explain was why it was so beautiful to me — to justify a beauty that didn't depend on the sparse, spiny vegetation that often looked half dead, a beauty that had more to do with the exposed shape of the land, with the shallow bowls of valleys between the craggy hills, and the way they held on to the sun.
Gah, more of this shit. See, it would feel a lot more natural if Bella wasn't such a dumb bimbo most of the time. This pseudo-poetic shit is so...so slimy and covered in cheese and pretentiousness that I can barely read it. It just DOES NOT FIT. And it's just terrible writing! Plus, what the fuck does it matter what Bella thinks of Arizona? She's never gonna see it again because it has sun and Eddie will sparkle! Argh!
-"It's twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH JUST LIKE THE NAME OF THE BOOK!!! GET IT?? EEEEE!!!
FUCK YOU YOU HACK.
-"Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"
What a profound observation, you halfwit.
-"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."
OH, COME ON. STOP IT WITH THE CHEAP FUCKING PLATITUDES. My GAWD this is a cheap fucking book! A Frankenstein's Monster made up of terrible, rotten parts that don't mesh together and just form an abomination that's supposed to be grand but just makes me want to cry out of frustration because HOW DOES SHIT LIKE THIS GET PUBLISHED? And get an audience beyond people who love Harlequin romances? NOTHING this bad should ever be this popular! And I swear I'm really trying to find something positive here, but I keep running into the walls of stupidity this woman keeps setting up and now my head hurts. Great.
-Oh thank God it's over. Ed finally stops with the questions, and Ed runs away when he sees Jacob come up. I WONDER WHY.
***
Final Impressions: I seriously have a headache, you guys. This was terrible. Possibly the worst chapter so far. I think I've said it before but I don't care. Gyah.
Final Grade: F, or whatever's worse than an F.
Let's go!
***
CHAPTER 11: COMPLICATIONS
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 9
Quick n Hard Summary:
Klutz and Sparkles are finally official. They go to school and Klutz is klutzy, and Eddie stalks her by reading other people's minds some more. Eddie asks Bella a bunch of question and we find out she's the most painfully boring person on the planet, but of course he still likes her. They're in love. It's all mind-numbingly dull because this woman can't write anything interesting about these two fuckwits.
Real-Time Notes:
-Everyone stares at the new Brangelina. I shall call them SparKlutz.
I can see how this is another case of wish-fulfillment: every ordinary, outcast girl out there wanted to be noticed by the hottest guy in school. The problem here though, is that Bella is neither an outcast nor unnoticed. Everyone seems to like her (for some reason) and she has all the hot guys in school after her. She's not sympathetic at all, but Meyer insists that she is, and that we should be happy for her because she's such an outcast. The only indication we get that Bella is an outcast is that she keeps calling herself one even though she clearly isn't! It makes no sense at all, which really shouldn't surprise us coming from Meyer.
10
Bella is seriously super horny right now and it's hilarious.
"A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me."
Yeah, it's definitely a good thing he can't read her thoughts. He'd probably run away because ew, sex! good
- There's a lot of stuff in that vein in this chapter, to the point where it gets uncomfortable to read. Just make out with him already for crying out loud.
11
"His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before."
Jesus H. Christ. She is TOTALLY out of it and it's hilarious/pathetic. You can just see the little birds and hearts bubbling out over her head. Oh, Edward!
-Gym. She plays tennis and whacks herself on the head because she is the very picture of grace and elegance. But you know this is just some incredibly boring interlude until she can stare at Eds some more and we get another painful scene. And yep, that's what happens.
12
"But my worries were unnecessary. Edward was waiting, leaning casually against
the side of the gym, his breathtaking face untroubled now."
Dammit. HE IS PRETTY. WE GET IT.
-Ed makes fun of her for what she did in gym, which he 'saw' because he read Mike's mind. Seriously, how does your typical reader not get how totally CREEPY this is? It's like the dude has cameras trailing her ALL THE FUCKING TIME and he can watch her every move and it's CREEPY. Maybe I can see some really clueless girls not getting the creepiness, but once again, the fact that grown women like this guy just gives me the shivers.
-Aha. Bella pretends to be offended for about 5 seconds, but you know she really likes it. She makes him promise to not do it again and uhuh, likely story. Dude's a fucking stalker and he ain't gonna stop because you asked him, sweetheart. Because you're a dumbass.
-She asks why she can't come see him hunt. He tells her that basically he'd want to kill her, too. She finds this totally hot, as we all would (ick). They stare at each other some more and would you please just KISS already or will this be dragged out 15 more chapters?
-No kiss. And I know for a fact that they don't have sex for like another three books or so. Meyer is the worst tease in the world. By the time she actually writes any payoff you're already bored to death.
-Another page and a half (in a .pdf, remember) that amounts to this: I woke up. Ate. Talked to Dad. Ran to Eddie when he came to pick me up because SQUEE.
-This is seriously some of the most long winded, useless filler I have ever fucking read. And I've read VICTOR HUGO, Meyer. But 25 pages describing the life of a priest who dies 2 pages later is NOTHING compared to the torture you put me through, Meyer. You're horrible.
-There's this incredibly long passage where Eddie questions Bella. About every single thing in her life. They have the same records (OMG IT'S TRUE LOVE)! She likes different colors because she's SPECIAL and DIFFERENT. He's completely fascinated by everything she says because that's a rule in books like this one.
-HAAAAAAAAAA! he asks what her favorite gemstone is (seriously? who asks this? ever?) and she blurts out topaz and he wants to know why.
"It's the color of your eyes today," I sighed, surrendering, staring down at my hands as I fiddled with a piece of my hair. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."
Guys. She's gone full retard.
-Argh. We get a Biology Class scene that is fucking exactly the same as the one the day before.
-"I hurried to change afterward, ill at ease, knowing the faster I moved, the sooner I would be with Edward."
Let me go on a tangent for a bit here.
See, this reminds me of something Stephen King wrote in the Dark Tower series. More specifically, the one that has a big love story. As he's telling the story, he has his main character say that true love is boring-to everyone outside the wonderful couple. And it honestly just is. Once the courtship-admittedly the interesting part for the flirting and the cute little moments- is over and the couple gets together, does anyone really get anything but completely exhausted at hearing how much a couple loves each other? I admit to being a complete sap for love stories, but even I get bored when reading about Relationship Bliss, or even when someone is telling me about their perfect boyfriend. At one point you just stop caring and, while you're happy for the other person, you just wish they'd find something else to talk about.
It's the reason why so many love stories are about the courtship, and so few are about the couple being blissfully happy--it's obnoxious, and nobody cares. And this just happened with Sparklutz, and their courtship ended awfully quickly. And now Bella's just rubbing The Perfection in everybody's face--how perfect Ed is, how much he's interested in her and just...man, think about something else for a second. I suppose the young girls want to identify with this, but my God. It's boring, repetitive, embarrassing to read and just plain obnoxious. WE GET IT. He is nice and pretty and sweet and is totally obsessed with you. Everyone who's been in love knows how completely absorbing it can be. It's all you think of. But remember when you finally realized that all your friends were avoiding you because you wouldn't talk about any other damned thing besides your boyfriend? Haven't we all known someone like that and grown sick of them?
SO, MOVE ON. GIVE ME A PLOT. But no! this shit is gonna get dragged along for 200 more pages until we get some kind of plot going on. And it's just gonna piss me off. BUT I WILL FINISH THIS. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.
-Anyway. Bella's talking about why she loves Phoenix:
The hardest thing to explain was why it was so beautiful to me — to justify a beauty that didn't depend on the sparse, spiny vegetation that often looked half dead, a beauty that had more to do with the exposed shape of the land, with the shallow bowls of valleys between the craggy hills, and the way they held on to the sun.
Gah, more of this shit. See, it would feel a lot more natural if Bella wasn't such a dumb bimbo most of the time. This pseudo-poetic shit is so...so slimy and covered in cheese and pretentiousness that I can barely read it. It just DOES NOT FIT. And it's just terrible writing! Plus, what the fuck does it matter what Bella thinks of Arizona? She's never gonna see it again because it has sun and Eddie will sparkle! Argh!
-"It's twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH JUST LIKE THE NAME OF THE BOOK!!! GET IT?? EEEEE!!!
FUCK YOU YOU HACK.
-"Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"
What a profound observation, you halfwit.
-"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."
OH, COME ON. STOP IT WITH THE CHEAP FUCKING PLATITUDES. My GAWD this is a cheap fucking book! A Frankenstein's Monster made up of terrible, rotten parts that don't mesh together and just form an abomination that's supposed to be grand but just makes me want to cry out of frustration because HOW DOES SHIT LIKE THIS GET PUBLISHED? And get an audience beyond people who love Harlequin romances? NOTHING this bad should ever be this popular! And I swear I'm really trying to find something positive here, but I keep running into the walls of stupidity this woman keeps setting up and now my head hurts. Great.
-Oh thank God it's over. Ed finally stops with the questions, and Ed runs away when he sees Jacob come up. I WONDER WHY.
***
Final Impressions: I seriously have a headache, you guys. This was terrible. Possibly the worst chapter so far. I think I've said it before but I don't care. Gyah.
Final Grade: F, or whatever's worse than an F.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Random Post of Randomness
I didn't sleep much last night. I went to bed too late, couldn't sleep, then woke up too early. I should've gone to bed hours ago because I know I'll wake up at the same time tomorrow and it will be too early. But I am stupid and wanted to stay up to watch Corazon Salvaje.
So I'm all jittery and jumpy because I just downed an entire can of Coke even though I KNOW that I get all fucked up if I drink caffeine at night (like a Gremlin, yes?) but I wanted to stay awake to watch the damn show because I am obsessed with how ridiculous it is. I still need to write a full recap here and get you all to watch it too even if you can't understand it because it is so good to just watch and not listen.
And I have to get this out of my chest and write SOMETHING or I will go insane with this sugar rush.
See, I'm annoyed that the show has been stuck in this damned rut for about two weeks now. On the one hand, we have this totally awesome plot of Juan finally falling in love with Regina The Good and Noble Who Opens Up His Heart To Love and Goodness. And it's really genuinely sweet and cute and the cheesy romantic in me is eating it up.
On the other hand, we have the four other main characters doing this EVERY single episode (caps are meant to signify screaming because they just shout all the damn time:
Renato (Lame Husband): I WILL FIND JUAN AND KILL HIM AND RESCUE REGINA
Aime (the Whore Sister and Renato's Wife): OMG RENATO LOVE ME AGAIN BECAUSE JUAN REJECTED ME FOR MY SISTER
Renato: NO YOU HAG
Aime: OMG LEONARDA STOP HIM!
Leonarda (Renato's Evil Mom): OMG RENATO STOP PURSUING JUAN YOU WILL BE KILLED
Renato: NO YOU HAG! RAH!
Leonarda: OMG NOEL TELL RENATO TO STOP!
Noel (Renato's Goodly Poofyhaired Dad): NO RENATO YOU MUST FORGIVE HIM
Renato: RAH ! NO YOU HAG! VENGEANCE!
Leonarda: YOU ARE USELESS, NOEL. RODRIGO, TELL HIM TO STOP!
Rodrigo (Aimee and Regina's Evil Dad, Evil Mom is in love with him for some reason, and he squints a lot): ATTA BOY GO AFTER THAT BASTARD WHOM I HATE!
Renato: NO YOU HAG! I MEAN YES! YES YOU HAG!
Me: OMG RENATO GET A JOB OR A HOBBY OR SOMETHING MY GOD.
And they seriously just run around the same three rooms for DAYS ON END having this same exact discussion EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. The timeline really confuses me, too, because it seems like WEEKS have gone by in the Juan/Regina storyline. But then we have Aimee wearing the same whorish dress and matching neck-flower for like four episodes! Sometimes Renato goes to the police to try to do something. It's very confusing and very stupid. There's a lot of screaming and yelling and wailing and it's really repetitive.
And really, the revenge is just totally stupid because what's he planning, exactly? He's already married to The Whore, right. And Juan and Regina are already married, and falling in love, of course. So I don't get what he wants to do, exactly. He's just a turd who needs a hobby.
That's all I have to say about that. Hmmph.
You guys, get this show. It's ridiculous beyond belief.
Oooh just wait til I tell you the convoluted storylines and tell you about the characters! you will love me.
So I'm all jittery and jumpy because I just downed an entire can of Coke even though I KNOW that I get all fucked up if I drink caffeine at night (like a Gremlin, yes?) but I wanted to stay awake to watch the damn show because I am obsessed with how ridiculous it is. I still need to write a full recap here and get you all to watch it too even if you can't understand it because it is so good to just watch and not listen.
And I have to get this out of my chest and write SOMETHING or I will go insane with this sugar rush.
See, I'm annoyed that the show has been stuck in this damned rut for about two weeks now. On the one hand, we have this totally awesome plot of Juan finally falling in love with Regina The Good and Noble Who Opens Up His Heart To Love and Goodness. And it's really genuinely sweet and cute and the cheesy romantic in me is eating it up.
On the other hand, we have the four other main characters doing this EVERY single episode (caps are meant to signify screaming because they just shout all the damn time:
Renato (Lame Husband): I WILL FIND JUAN AND KILL HIM AND RESCUE REGINA
Aime (the Whore Sister and Renato's Wife): OMG RENATO LOVE ME AGAIN BECAUSE JUAN REJECTED ME FOR MY SISTER
Renato: NO YOU HAG
Aime: OMG LEONARDA STOP HIM!
Leonarda (Renato's Evil Mom): OMG RENATO STOP PURSUING JUAN YOU WILL BE KILLED
Renato: NO YOU HAG! RAH!
Leonarda: OMG NOEL TELL RENATO TO STOP!
Noel (Renato's Goodly Poofyhaired Dad): NO RENATO YOU MUST FORGIVE HIM
Renato: RAH ! NO YOU HAG! VENGEANCE!
Leonarda: YOU ARE USELESS, NOEL. RODRIGO, TELL HIM TO STOP!
Rodrigo (Aimee and Regina's Evil Dad, Evil Mom is in love with him for some reason, and he squints a lot): ATTA BOY GO AFTER THAT BASTARD WHOM I HATE!
Renato: NO YOU HAG! I MEAN YES! YES YOU HAG!
Me: OMG RENATO GET A JOB OR A HOBBY OR SOMETHING MY GOD.
And they seriously just run around the same three rooms for DAYS ON END having this same exact discussion EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. The timeline really confuses me, too, because it seems like WEEKS have gone by in the Juan/Regina storyline. But then we have Aimee wearing the same whorish dress and matching neck-flower for like four episodes! Sometimes Renato goes to the police to try to do something. It's very confusing and very stupid. There's a lot of screaming and yelling and wailing and it's really repetitive.
And really, the revenge is just totally stupid because what's he planning, exactly? He's already married to The Whore, right. And Juan and Regina are already married, and falling in love, of course. So I don't get what he wants to do, exactly. He's just a turd who needs a hobby.
That's all I have to say about that. Hmmph.
You guys, get this show. It's ridiculous beyond belief.
Oooh just wait til I tell you the convoluted storylines and tell you about the characters! you will love me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Pain: Chapter 10
And we're back to this damned thing. Sorry for the delay: I've been distracted by World Cup Madness and whatnot. Honduras is out of the Cup but I'm still proud as hell that they made it all the way there, and hey, we're still not as embarrassing as France. Bwah. So I'm sucking up every last minute of the matches, enjoying just about every game, shouting at the TV a lot and driving half my friends insane over facebook. I tend to get very emotional about these things. I don't have a favorite quite yet, but I'd like to see Uruguay and Chile go far, and I want to see Brazil, Spain, Mexico and Maradona suffer. Not Argentina. Just Maradona. Not sure how that will work, but let's just roll with it.
Anyway, here we go. Prepare for the pain.
******
Chapter 10: INTERROGATIONS
You know, I honestly thought I'd be hooked by now. So many people have said that they got into it and couldn't stop reading, even if they found it horrible. The word "addictive" came up a lot. But I'm on chapter...what...10? 100 pdf pages or so in and I'm not feeling anything but contempt for the writing and an immense dislike for the characters.
But I vowed I would read this entire goddamn series and I WILL DO IT IF IT COSTS ME A LEG FROM HITTING IT IN ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.
AND I know that we're done with the boring bits where Klutz didn't know what Eddie Sparkles really was. Now we know, and maybe shit will get more ridiculous. It had better.
At the very least, I hope I get more stuff that makes me laugh and less stuff that makes me want to scream.
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" Count: 5
Quick n Hard Summary:
Sigh. Another day at school. The entire point of this chapter is for us to find out that Edward likes to keep tabs on Bella's every thought and activity by READING OTHER PEOPLE'S MINDS. So, basically, dude can find out everything about Bella (including what she says about him) by reading other people's minds. It's completely disturbing in a total-stalker type of way. Bella is mad for 3 seconds before she forgives him because of how she's an idiot and stuff. She asks a lot of questions about him. There are some unintentionally funny bits and I nearly die.
Real Time Notes:
-Eddie Sparkles is waiting for her in his car when she gets up for school the next day. She's all giddy, of course.
6- "Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body."
COLOSSAL. Poop really fails at using words properly. Yeah, it's an adjective. That doesn't mean you can use it for ANYTHING, woman. You idiot. I'm embarrassed for you. Also: geez, Bella. Just jump him already.
-Also also: He likes muscle shirts and body glitter? oh, Edward.
-Ed says it's weird how nonchalant she is with his confessions. He thinks she's guarded or something; I think she's just a giant idiot who never considers the consequences of anything. Plus she's dazzled by his perfection or whatever the fuck.
-They see Rosalie (Ed's pseudo-sister) has some awesome sports car in the parking lot, even though Ed claims they want to blend in--WHY?! Why pretend to be in High School? Most people consider High School as the worst years of their lives. High School is BORING. Why do you want to blend in with TEENAGERS? Blergh!
7-"Good morning, Jessica," Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of."
....Fireballs?
-Klutz asks Ed to tell her what's on Jess's mind because hey, whatever with ethics when it comes to mindreading the little people.
-blahblah, class, Mike is a doofus, class. Doesn't matter because she's not with Eddie.
-Erm, so basically Ed's gonna find out how Bella feels about him by reading Jess's mind. And because Bella's an idiot she'll tell Jess everything? that's kind of creepy.
-Now Bella even likes the clouds because that means Eddie's gonna be around. Yay, her life is changing! For the worse!
-Bella tells Jess about her pseudo-date. They gossip and for once she sounds like a normal teenage girl.
-"I think so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic," I threw in for his benefit, sighing."
I love that Jessica's just this empty shell of a person that Bella's using to transmit messages to Ed.
-"Oh, well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did."
YOU DO THAT TOO, YOU STUPID FUCKING MANIAC.
Once again we just confirm that there is NOTHING that sets Bella apart from everyone else.
-It's completely hilarious to me how easily Bella takes in Ed's 'special condition'. Wouldn't you be slightly more...disturbed, or at least curious about him being a vampire? But no, it has to be incredibly easy to accept his vampirism and his soullessness and whatever. Because, again, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's just some stupid McGuffin that will bring up some stupid plot points later on, but which fails to create any real conflict between the characters. There's nothing to be lost or chanced here. And so, how is it interesting? Why make him a vampire at all, except as a stupid gimmick to sell more books?
8-But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.
1. HAHAHAHAH EDWARD IS RIDICULOUS. Does he have a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeves and a comb sticking out of his pocket? OMG I bet he does. And I bet he's flipping a coin and looking dangerous.
2. I wonder how close one is allowed to get to looking like a Greek god? Oh, Poop, that sentence made no sense at all.
-Ed is all upset because Klutz thinks she likes him more than he likes her! TRAGEDY! I guess when one is turned into a vampire at 17 one retains that mental age without ever changing or learning anything? It's the only explanation for how stupid and immature Edward is sometimes. Specially when it comes to girls. And yeah, most 17 year old boys are dumb about girls, but he's been around forever and still doesn't know a damned thing. 17 forever. What a horrible prospect for Bella.
-AND THEN. THEN she says Ed's eyes are like 'liquid topaz'. And then I just about fell off the couch from laughing so hard and I think my brain wanted to hit the edge of the table really hard AND KILL ITSELF FROM THE ABSOLUTE DUMBASSERY OF THAT.
LIQUID TOPAZ. Is it running down his eyeballs? because THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. Is it all liquidy and gross? I think he has eye problems! MAYBE HIGH CHOLESTEROL FROM EATING ALL THOSE BEARS! What! DID THE TOPAZ MELT WITH THE INTENSITY OF HIS PERFECTION?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN! WHAT!
HOT DAMN!
*ahem* sorry. But oh that was just too awesome and THANK YOU, Poop, because you broke the monotony by reaching new levels of complete fucknuttery. That was hilarious! I can't believe I just read that sentence. Heeeeee!
-Onwards!
"Well, look at me," I said, unnecessarily as he was already staring. "I'm absolutely ordinary ..."
Oh there's Bella's ugly insecurity rearing its head again. And the Mary Sue-ness of it all makes me want to vomit.
"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."
And, really, isn't that what EVERYONE wants to hear? Specially from a ridiculously good looking person of the attractive gender? This is where we all swoon.
Except you know, not, because it's complete bullshit in Bella's case. Just because she has a metal plate of dumb in her head that keeps you from reading her mind doesn't make her interesting.
9-"Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features."
AGAIN with the devastation.
-So Eddie says he keeps his hunger at bay by hunting animals with his entire family. It's OK though, because they keep the population down! Apparently they went bear hunting the one day he wasn't in school. His brother Emmett likes grizzlies and I immediately like Emmett and wish he was in this thing more. Ed likes mountain lion. I'm surprised he didn't say he likes cuddly things like raccoons or *snerk*, beavers.
-Bella, of course, isn't even slightly disgusted by this. Better than eating humans, I suppose, but STILL. At least REACT.
- OK, vampire hunting sounds kind of awesome. But because Precious doesn't get to do it we don't get to see it. Why do vampire books always make the humans the protagonists? no one CARES about them and they're always so damn boring when compared to vampires.
-She asks if she can go see them hunt and he freaks out before they part. LAME.
**
Final Impressions: Liquid Topaz (sounds like a name for a super effeminate boy band) is the most boring vampire ever, though his family sounds fun. Bella will never think about things and she is an empty shell of a character.
Business as usual.
Final Grade: B- for the Liquid Topaz hilarity alone. That made this chapter my favorite so far.
Anyway, here we go. Prepare for the pain.
******
Chapter 10: INTERROGATIONS
You know, I honestly thought I'd be hooked by now. So many people have said that they got into it and couldn't stop reading, even if they found it horrible. The word "addictive" came up a lot. But I'm on chapter...what...10? 100 pdf pages or so in and I'm not feeling anything but contempt for the writing and an immense dislike for the characters.
But I vowed I would read this entire goddamn series and I WILL DO IT IF IT COSTS ME A LEG FROM HITTING IT IN ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.
AND I know that we're done with the boring bits where Klutz didn't know what Eddie Sparkles really was. Now we know, and maybe shit will get more ridiculous. It had better.
At the very least, I hope I get more stuff that makes me laugh and less stuff that makes me want to scream.
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" Count: 5
Quick n Hard Summary:
Sigh. Another day at school. The entire point of this chapter is for us to find out that Edward likes to keep tabs on Bella's every thought and activity by READING OTHER PEOPLE'S MINDS. So, basically, dude can find out everything about Bella (including what she says about him) by reading other people's minds. It's completely disturbing in a total-stalker type of way. Bella is mad for 3 seconds before she forgives him because of how she's an idiot and stuff. She asks a lot of questions about him. There are some unintentionally funny bits and I nearly die.
Real Time Notes:
-Eddie Sparkles is waiting for her in his car when she gets up for school the next day. She's all giddy, of course.
6- "Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body."
COLOSSAL. Poop really fails at using words properly. Yeah, it's an adjective. That doesn't mean you can use it for ANYTHING, woman. You idiot. I'm embarrassed for you. Also: geez, Bella. Just jump him already.
-Also also: He likes muscle shirts and body glitter? oh, Edward.
-Ed says it's weird how nonchalant she is with his confessions. He thinks she's guarded or something; I think she's just a giant idiot who never considers the consequences of anything. Plus she's dazzled by his perfection or whatever the fuck.
-They see Rosalie (Ed's pseudo-sister) has some awesome sports car in the parking lot, even though Ed claims they want to blend in--WHY?! Why pretend to be in High School? Most people consider High School as the worst years of their lives. High School is BORING. Why do you want to blend in with TEENAGERS? Blergh!
7-"Good morning, Jessica," Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of."
....Fireballs?
-Klutz asks Ed to tell her what's on Jess's mind because hey, whatever with ethics when it comes to mindreading the little people.
-blahblah, class, Mike is a doofus, class. Doesn't matter because she's not with Eddie.
-Erm, so basically Ed's gonna find out how Bella feels about him by reading Jess's mind. And because Bella's an idiot she'll tell Jess everything? that's kind of creepy.
-Now Bella even likes the clouds because that means Eddie's gonna be around. Yay, her life is changing! For the worse!
-Bella tells Jess about her pseudo-date. They gossip and for once she sounds like a normal teenage girl.
-"I think so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic," I threw in for his benefit, sighing."
I love that Jessica's just this empty shell of a person that Bella's using to transmit messages to Ed.
-"Oh, well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did."
YOU DO THAT TOO, YOU STUPID FUCKING MANIAC.
Once again we just confirm that there is NOTHING that sets Bella apart from everyone else.
-It's completely hilarious to me how easily Bella takes in Ed's 'special condition'. Wouldn't you be slightly more...disturbed, or at least curious about him being a vampire? But no, it has to be incredibly easy to accept his vampirism and his soullessness and whatever. Because, again, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's just some stupid McGuffin that will bring up some stupid plot points later on, but which fails to create any real conflict between the characters. There's nothing to be lost or chanced here. And so, how is it interesting? Why make him a vampire at all, except as a stupid gimmick to sell more books?
8-But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.
1. HAHAHAHAH EDWARD IS RIDICULOUS. Does he have a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeves and a comb sticking out of his pocket? OMG I bet he does. And I bet he's flipping a coin and looking dangerous.
2. I wonder how close one is allowed to get to looking like a Greek god? Oh, Poop, that sentence made no sense at all.
-Ed is all upset because Klutz thinks she likes him more than he likes her! TRAGEDY! I guess when one is turned into a vampire at 17 one retains that mental age without ever changing or learning anything? It's the only explanation for how stupid and immature Edward is sometimes. Specially when it comes to girls. And yeah, most 17 year old boys are dumb about girls, but he's been around forever and still doesn't know a damned thing. 17 forever. What a horrible prospect for Bella.
-AND THEN. THEN she says Ed's eyes are like 'liquid topaz'. And then I just about fell off the couch from laughing so hard and I think my brain wanted to hit the edge of the table really hard AND KILL ITSELF FROM THE ABSOLUTE DUMBASSERY OF THAT.
LIQUID TOPAZ. Is it running down his eyeballs? because THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. Is it all liquidy and gross? I think he has eye problems! MAYBE HIGH CHOLESTEROL FROM EATING ALL THOSE BEARS! What! DID THE TOPAZ MELT WITH THE INTENSITY OF HIS PERFECTION?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN! WHAT!
HOT DAMN!
*ahem* sorry. But oh that was just too awesome and THANK YOU, Poop, because you broke the monotony by reaching new levels of complete fucknuttery. That was hilarious! I can't believe I just read that sentence. Heeeeee!
-Onwards!
"Well, look at me," I said, unnecessarily as he was already staring. "I'm absolutely ordinary ..."
Oh there's Bella's ugly insecurity rearing its head again. And the Mary Sue-ness of it all makes me want to vomit.
"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."
And, really, isn't that what EVERYONE wants to hear? Specially from a ridiculously good looking person of the attractive gender? This is where we all swoon.
Except you know, not, because it's complete bullshit in Bella's case. Just because she has a metal plate of dumb in her head that keeps you from reading her mind doesn't make her interesting.
9-"Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features."
AGAIN with the devastation.
-So Eddie says he keeps his hunger at bay by hunting animals with his entire family. It's OK though, because they keep the population down! Apparently they went bear hunting the one day he wasn't in school. His brother Emmett likes grizzlies and I immediately like Emmett and wish he was in this thing more. Ed likes mountain lion. I'm surprised he didn't say he likes cuddly things like raccoons or *snerk*, beavers.
-Bella, of course, isn't even slightly disgusted by this. Better than eating humans, I suppose, but STILL. At least REACT.
- OK, vampire hunting sounds kind of awesome. But because Precious doesn't get to do it we don't get to see it. Why do vampire books always make the humans the protagonists? no one CARES about them and they're always so damn boring when compared to vampires.
-She asks if she can go see them hunt and he freaks out before they part. LAME.
**
Final Impressions: Liquid Topaz (sounds like a name for a super effeminate boy band) is the most boring vampire ever, though his family sounds fun. Bella will never think about things and she is an empty shell of a character.
Business as usual.
Final Grade: B- for the Liquid Topaz hilarity alone. That made this chapter my favorite so far.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Gratutious Shirtlessness is Our Guarantee
"The Ten Most Inexplicably Attractive Villains in Movies at TV
I made that! with some help, of course, from Doctor Who and Whedon fans (two groups to which I really, really do not belong to). Some of my favorites are there--Skarsgard of course (though he's technically not THE villain in True Blood), Sean Bean, Christian Bale, Denzel Washington. My ultimate Alan Rickman character is Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility, though the truth is that with his voice, he's my favorite in anything he's in.
Anyway, the point of this (besides a Pajiba pimpin') is that I promised some shirtlessness at the end of the column. And then I realized that I hadn't posted any hot men in ages and ages, and that's hardly true advertising. On top of that, it's come to my attention (thanks to StatCounter) that my most popular posts seem to be, well, those containing the shirtless men. And hey, I like the attention so I might as well post some more.
So. Here's my latest celebrity crush in 5 easy photos. Because why the hell not, right? Plus what with the vampire (or pseudo-vampire anyway, when it comes to Twilight) theme that's been going on here lately, it only makes sense.
And so, because I want to make people happy, here's Alexander Skarsgard.
He wears this outfit quite a bit in True Blood. And it's a good thing he does, too.
No one has ever looked this good in a black tank top and vampire makeup.
In normal face. I normally don't even like blondes, but this one? Yow.
Couldn't miss the shirtless photo.
I think after that one, even Bella 'Klutz' Swan would say "Edward who? RAWR".
You're welcome.
**
PS: If you click on the 'Shp' tag right below this, you can get to all the shirtless posts I've made. There's...a surprising amount of them.
I made that! with some help, of course, from Doctor Who and Whedon fans (two groups to which I really, really do not belong to). Some of my favorites are there--Skarsgard of course (though he's technically not THE villain in True Blood), Sean Bean, Christian Bale, Denzel Washington. My ultimate Alan Rickman character is Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility, though the truth is that with his voice, he's my favorite in anything he's in.
Anyway, the point of this (besides a Pajiba pimpin') is that I promised some shirtlessness at the end of the column. And then I realized that I hadn't posted any hot men in ages and ages, and that's hardly true advertising. On top of that, it's come to my attention (thanks to StatCounter) that my most popular posts seem to be, well, those containing the shirtless men. And hey, I like the attention so I might as well post some more.
So. Here's my latest celebrity crush in 5 easy photos. Because why the hell not, right? Plus what with the vampire (or pseudo-vampire anyway, when it comes to Twilight) theme that's been going on here lately, it only makes sense.
And so, because I want to make people happy, here's Alexander Skarsgard.
He wears this outfit quite a bit in True Blood. And it's a good thing he does, too.
No one has ever looked this good in a black tank top and vampire makeup.
In normal face. I normally don't even like blondes, but this one? Yow.
Couldn't miss the shirtless photo.
I think after that one, even Bella 'Klutz' Swan would say "Edward who? RAWR".
You're welcome.
**
PS: If you click on the 'Shp' tag right below this, you can get to all the shirtless posts I've made. There's...a surprising amount of them.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Pain: Chapter 9
I completely forgot where I left off, and I think I haven't read a chapter in about a week. I'm beginning to doubt my own commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Here we go.
**
CHAPTER 9: THEORY
[ie: I have a theory on how to kill Eddie: it involves a Magic Eraser, a stake and killing Bella]
Fast n Hard Summary:
They're still in the car, and Klutz confesses that she thinks Eddie's a vampire. He says she's right. Everything that has been written about vampires (and what made them cool) is shot to shit in a few paragraphs, because Poop is a total hack. It's insanely boring and gross for such a "ta-da!" chapter. Klutz is completely blase about it, which is not at all surprising. It's horrible.
Real Time Notes:
-Oh God, we're still in the car. Bella asks him how he found her and he says he followed her scent. Romantic? Hell, no. All it makes me think of is that Bella smells like dookie. And Ed likes it. Ew.
-He explains his mind reading abilities and how he can't read her.
"I don't know," he murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."
Like she needed more encouragement to feel like a special snowflake. See, the big problem here is that we KNOW that Bella isn't any more special than anyone out there. If anything, she's WORSE. So this 'you're so special' thing is complete bullshit because NO SHE ISN'T. I guess that's the whole thing, though; finding someone who thinks you're special for some reason. But Poop could have at least given Bella a personality, or depth of character, or a terrible disease or have her grow hair in weird places or SOMETHING.
To compare it once more to True Blood, where a Vampire With a Heart falls for a Normal Human Chick That Everyone Wants to Fuck. At least in that, the female character HAS a special ability--she can read minds. Sure, Sookie is still kind of annoying, but she's plucky and stands up for herself, has an actual personality and is an engaging character. At least there is a REASON why this ancient immortal character is in love with her. Here, Eddie falls in love with Bella just because! The only thing "special" about her is this completely arbitrary mind-block thing she has which is never explained and that took no effort whatsoever for her to achieve. She is completely fucking empty and useless, and thus, the entire premise of this damn book is empty and useless and stupid, It's nothing more than a wish-fulfillment fantasy where we can Become Bella because WE are special. I guess that's OK for some people, but dammit, I'd expect more from a book that so many women seem to go gaga over.
But what the hell can I do? Just carry on. And carry a big stick to bash things with. Soon I shall have no pillows on my couch.
Sorry about that digression. Let's keep going:
- Edward is speeding in his car, but totally in control and she freaks out and whatever. Haha he 'hates' driving slow. BAD BOYS DRIVE FAST IN THEIR VOLVOS. VROOM VROOM.
A Volvo. Honestly.
- Wow, so he totally he just comes out and says he's a vampire and permanently 17. And that's that. Which is pretty funny and completely underwhelming considering the 90 pages of buildup. Talk about anticlimactic.
- Apparently these 'vampires' can go out in the sun and don't sleep in coffins (or sleep at all). He asks if she wants to know about the blood drinking and she says Jacob told her how the Cullens don't hunt people. Blahblah it's pretty boring considering HE'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE and shouldn't she be at least a little more fazed about this? But, no, she's Bella and a complete idiot, so she takes it like he just told her that he tans really quickly or likes spicy foods.
-He says how it's hard for him to maintain control of his, um, "urges" around her.
"Is it very difficult for you now?" I asked. He sighed. "Yes."
So, in other words, he badly wants tofuck her drink her blood. But he won't because he's a Good Virgin Mormon Boy and would never touch a girl in Inappropriate Ways. Not before marriage, anyway. Hee.
- He says he can't go out into too bright sunlight for some reason. But we all know why and it's possibly the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard of. (hint: it's because everyone will know he likes to cover himself in GLITTER a lot!)
-[about the guys who attacked her]
"You were going to fight them?" This upset him. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," I admitted."
Yeah, she's a fucktard who trips over her own feet. SHE IS A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.
5. 5. "Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.
GLORIOUS. And uh, Bella, I think that's called a heart attack. Might wanna get that checked out.
-We almost get a kiss, but he just drops her off.
-I cannot emphasize enough how completely blase she is for someone who just found out her crush is a motherfucking VAMPIRE who's lived forever and sucks the blood off living things. Even if it's just bears and not humans it's completely fucking gross, but she just thinks it's SO ROMANTIC because he is so pretty and all the other girls will be jealous, squeeee! PLOT POINT OF LAMENESS created for nothing more than to create some stupid division between them that you know will bring up more stupid Plot Points in the future. He could be a narcoleptic or a sex predator or a circus performer and it'd be the same damn thing, because the point here is to make him something really weird or special. There's no real conflict at all. It's safe, and utterly boring.
-"First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."
WAIT. WHAT. NO. FUCK YOU POOP.ARGH.
THOSE SENTENCES DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER AND THEY MAKE MY BRAIN HURT AND PAIN AND WEEP AND I HATE YOU, POOP.
Final Impression: I think I said it all in the notes. The vampirism is out but it's in the lamest form imaginable. Bella is still an empty blob of a person, who is also a massive idiot. Edward is "charming" and gentle and therefore dreamy. He is pretty.
Final Grade: F for for fuck's sake, Bella, wake up a bit!
Here we go.
**
CHAPTER 9: THEORY
[ie: I have a theory on how to kill Eddie: it involves a Magic Eraser, a stake and killing Bella]
Fast n Hard Summary:
They're still in the car, and Klutz confesses that she thinks Eddie's a vampire. He says she's right. Everything that has been written about vampires (and what made them cool) is shot to shit in a few paragraphs, because Poop is a total hack. It's insanely boring and gross for such a "ta-da!" chapter. Klutz is completely blase about it, which is not at all surprising. It's horrible.
Real Time Notes:
-Oh God, we're still in the car. Bella asks him how he found her and he says he followed her scent. Romantic? Hell, no. All it makes me think of is that Bella smells like dookie. And Ed likes it. Ew.
-He explains his mind reading abilities and how he can't read her.
"I don't know," he murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."
Like she needed more encouragement to feel like a special snowflake. See, the big problem here is that we KNOW that Bella isn't any more special than anyone out there. If anything, she's WORSE. So this 'you're so special' thing is complete bullshit because NO SHE ISN'T. I guess that's the whole thing, though; finding someone who thinks you're special for some reason. But Poop could have at least given Bella a personality, or depth of character, or a terrible disease or have her grow hair in weird places or SOMETHING.
To compare it once more to True Blood, where a Vampire With a Heart falls for a Normal Human Chick That Everyone Wants to Fuck. At least in that, the female character HAS a special ability--she can read minds. Sure, Sookie is still kind of annoying, but she's plucky and stands up for herself, has an actual personality and is an engaging character. At least there is a REASON why this ancient immortal character is in love with her. Here, Eddie falls in love with Bella just because! The only thing "special" about her is this completely arbitrary mind-block thing she has which is never explained and that took no effort whatsoever for her to achieve. She is completely fucking empty and useless, and thus, the entire premise of this damn book is empty and useless and stupid, It's nothing more than a wish-fulfillment fantasy where we can Become Bella because WE are special. I guess that's OK for some people, but dammit, I'd expect more from a book that so many women seem to go gaga over.
But what the hell can I do? Just carry on. And carry a big stick to bash things with. Soon I shall have no pillows on my couch.
Sorry about that digression. Let's keep going:
- Edward is speeding in his car, but totally in control and she freaks out and whatever. Haha he 'hates' driving slow. BAD BOYS DRIVE FAST IN THEIR VOLVOS. VROOM VROOM.
A Volvo. Honestly.
- Wow, so he totally he just comes out and says he's a vampire and permanently 17. And that's that. Which is pretty funny and completely underwhelming considering the 90 pages of buildup. Talk about anticlimactic.
- Apparently these 'vampires' can go out in the sun and don't sleep in coffins (or sleep at all). He asks if she wants to know about the blood drinking and she says Jacob told her how the Cullens don't hunt people. Blahblah it's pretty boring considering HE'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE and shouldn't she be at least a little more fazed about this? But, no, she's Bella and a complete idiot, so she takes it like he just told her that he tans really quickly or likes spicy foods.
-He says how it's hard for him to maintain control of his, um, "urges" around her.
"Is it very difficult for you now?" I asked. He sighed. "Yes."
So, in other words, he badly wants to
- He says he can't go out into too bright sunlight for some reason. But we all know why and it's possibly the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard of. (hint: it's because everyone will know he likes to cover himself in GLITTER a lot!)
-[about the guys who attacked her]
"You were going to fight them?" This upset him. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," I admitted."
Yeah, she's a fucktard who trips over her own feet. SHE IS A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.
5. 5. "Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.
GLORIOUS. And uh, Bella, I think that's called a heart attack. Might wanna get that checked out.
-We almost get a kiss, but he just drops her off.
-I cannot emphasize enough how completely blase she is for someone who just found out her crush is a motherfucking VAMPIRE who's lived forever and sucks the blood off living things. Even if it's just bears and not humans it's completely fucking gross, but she just thinks it's SO ROMANTIC because he is so pretty and all the other girls will be jealous, squeeee! PLOT POINT OF LAMENESS created for nothing more than to create some stupid division between them that you know will bring up more stupid Plot Points in the future. He could be a narcoleptic or a sex predator or a circus performer and it'd be the same damn thing, because the point here is to make him something really weird or special. There's no real conflict at all. It's safe, and utterly boring.
-"First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."
WAIT. WHAT. NO. FUCK YOU POOP.ARGH.
THOSE SENTENCES DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER AND THEY MAKE MY BRAIN HURT AND PAIN AND WEEP AND I HATE YOU, POOP.
Final Impression: I think I said it all in the notes. The vampirism is out but it's in the lamest form imaginable. Bella is still an empty blob of a person, who is also a massive idiot. Edward is "charming" and gentle and therefore dreamy. He is pretty.
Final Grade: F for for fuck's sake, Bella, wake up a bit!
World Cup Madness, Cont.
Oh, so um, Honduras lost.
But that's OK really. I'm not as crushed as you'd think I would be, mostly because the mere fact that we're in this thing and PLAYING in it is enough for most of us. Plus we were missing our top three players and our coach, and we have a long history of well, sucking whenever it counts. We're good when it doesn't really matter. And Chile was just a better team.
I couldn't be happier that Spain lost, however. I've always hated that team and maybe now we have somewhat of a chance (probably not though). I have to say I'm thoroughly thrilled that the Big Guys are losing or underperforming left and right--Germany, Spain, France, England. Even Brazil didn't do so great. The only one really plowing through is Argentina, and they had a super easy group. I'm happy because I'm sick of seeing the same guys win, and I'd love for a first timer (just not Spain, please) to take the whole thing this time. I don't know who that might be, but I'll be happy as long as Brazil doesn't take another one.
So, anyway. Honduras plays next Monday against Spain. It should be a slaughter but you never know. Any smart team could figure out how to beat Spain at this point, I think. A tie is the best thing we can hope for, I suppose. I'll be rooting for Chile, though, because it's always nice to have a lot of latin teams in the next round.
In other tidbits:
-The Slovenia-USA game was hilarious fun. The referee was clearly blind, or drunk or something, missing what was really a wrestling match between the teams and discounting what was clearly a completely valid goal. Then Landon Donovan took his shirt off and I got distracted.
-Speaking of, I'm trying to collect Hot Men of the World Cup for a big Sunday Hot Post in a couple of weeks. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
-this second round (actually, beginning with the Chile-Honduras game) has definitely turned up the excitement that was lacking in the first round. There's been goals galore and hardly a tie anywhere. Keep it up!
I'll leave this up and write another chapter of The Pain next, just as to not confuse the two. It'll be up in a sec.
But that's OK really. I'm not as crushed as you'd think I would be, mostly because the mere fact that we're in this thing and PLAYING in it is enough for most of us. Plus we were missing our top three players and our coach, and we have a long history of well, sucking whenever it counts. We're good when it doesn't really matter. And Chile was just a better team.
I couldn't be happier that Spain lost, however. I've always hated that team and maybe now we have somewhat of a chance (probably not though). I have to say I'm thoroughly thrilled that the Big Guys are losing or underperforming left and right--Germany, Spain, France, England. Even Brazil didn't do so great. The only one really plowing through is Argentina, and they had a super easy group. I'm happy because I'm sick of seeing the same guys win, and I'd love for a first timer (just not Spain, please) to take the whole thing this time. I don't know who that might be, but I'll be happy as long as Brazil doesn't take another one.
So, anyway. Honduras plays next Monday against Spain. It should be a slaughter but you never know. Any smart team could figure out how to beat Spain at this point, I think. A tie is the best thing we can hope for, I suppose. I'll be rooting for Chile, though, because it's always nice to have a lot of latin teams in the next round.
In other tidbits:
-The Slovenia-USA game was hilarious fun. The referee was clearly blind, or drunk or something, missing what was really a wrestling match between the teams and discounting what was clearly a completely valid goal. Then Landon Donovan took his shirt off and I got distracted.
-Speaking of, I'm trying to collect Hot Men of the World Cup for a big Sunday Hot Post in a couple of weeks. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
-this second round (actually, beginning with the Chile-Honduras game) has definitely turned up the excitement that was lacking in the first round. There's been goals galore and hardly a tie anywhere. Keep it up!
I'll leave this up and write another chapter of The Pain next, just as to not confuse the two. It'll be up in a sec.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
World Cup Madness
Erm, so maybe that update will take a couple of days. Because, damn it, Honduras is playing in the World Cup for the first time in 28 years and win or not, I just want to see them play in this thing. IT HAS BEEN TOO DAMN LONG.
So, for the first time ever, my country's national anthem is being played at a World Cup and I could NOT be more excited.
I mean *I* am up at 5:30am, even though the tv guide LIED and the stupid thing doesn't start for another hour. But still, totally worth it. Gives me more time to wake up and cheer properly.
I AM FREAKING OUT.
Monday, June 14, 2010
back from vacation
Apologies for the long silence.
I've been out on vacation since Thursday night and we just got back. Am completely exhausted. We'll be back on track tomorrow, I promise.
Um.
I leave you with photo of a bunny.
I've been out on vacation since Thursday night and we just got back. Am completely exhausted. We'll be back on track tomorrow, I promise.
Um.
I leave you with photo of a bunny.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Not a Twilight entry, I promise.
Apologies for the lack of an update, but I feel completely exhausted today for some reason and I cannot even begin to think of Eddie Sparkles and Klutz. Maybe later today when I feel a little bit more alive.
I think part of the exhaustion just comes from my terrible sleeping habits. Now, I love sleep. I can sleep for hours and hours under the right circumstances. But therein lies the problem. My body and brain are incredibly picky about what the right circumstances are. It has to be very dark, very quiet, and the right temperature. If there's a noise somewhere it must be squashed or my brain will not let up on it. And we have a noisy fan, a very bright light shining outside our window and I sleep next to a walking furnace. So it usually takes me about an hour or so to get to sleep. After that happens I'm mostly alright, so long as nothing louder than a pin falling on the carpeted floor happens. I will wake up with ANYTHING. I don't know where the hell this comes from, but I am the lightest sleeper you can imagine. MrFig's turning on his side in bed can wake me up. It's infuriating, particularly because it takes me forever to go back to sleep.
And then morning comes and it sucks. I don't like mornings. Mornings should be banished from my life.
I light night time. And so, I go to bed way too late--12 at the earliest, but it's usually 2 before I close my book and go to sleep. So, I go to bed at around 2, far after MrFig is asleep. Then maybe the day before I got up to pee (tiny bladder also a problem) at 6:30, which means that the next day I will wake up at 6:30 whether I like it or not. Same thing about falling asleep--if the previous day I went to bed at 3 then by God you better believe I will not fall asleep until 3 the next day. It's terrible. So. His alarm clock goes off at 7:15. I wake up. He gets up and I try to go back to sleep, with my sleep mask on. Mostly this works. Then he has to leave for work anytime between 8 and 10, and I wake up again when he comes in to say goodbye. I love that he does this, and I usually get up after that.
Am I spoiled or what? Yes this is all because I don't have a job, but bear with me. So I get up, I stumble around, exhausted because I had about 5 hours of very broken-up sleep and then I'm just annoyed at the world. Thus the exhaustion.
Christ, I just spent like 3 pages explaining my sleeping habits. I'm sorry.
Point is, I never feel like I've gotten enough sleep. Hopefully now that I can get a job I'll be able to correct this and have a decent sleeping schedule. I think the last time I had one of those was...hell, probably in High School. Because then college happened and I was all over the place. Then I started working at the high school and that meant getting up at 5:30am...but I would spend the night chatting to MrFig on the computer, sometimes until midnight. After that it was still talking until all hours of the night, and I'd be woken up by noisy neighbors.
This all just means I'm an idiot with too much freedom with my schedule and that needs to end soon because I'm not getting any younger.
OH! So in other, actually important and not totally boring blog updates, I FINALLY got my Work Permit from the USCIS. Six months after I entered the US, but YAY! This means that not only can I get a job, but I can open up a bank account, I can learn how to drive and actually get a car, I can get a library card, I can, well, do pretty much anything. I still can't leave the country (I'll need permanent residence for that and that's still about a year away), but like before I can travel around the country itself. So, yay!
I need to start looking for jobs pretty soon. I'm hoping to get my teaching certificate and just go to town with teaching. I'm not sure if I'll stick with Art--I'm getting more and more interested in teaching ESL or something like that. I have high hopes that with the fact that I'm bilingual and have two years' experience I won't have too much trouble landing a job, even if it's part-time. So wish me luck.
So that's that. An entry on sleeping habits and my work permit.
Maybe later I'll make a cherry pie and update The Pain. For now, I need to just sit around on the couch some more and enjoy the days before I go back to the workforce.
I think part of the exhaustion just comes from my terrible sleeping habits. Now, I love sleep. I can sleep for hours and hours under the right circumstances. But therein lies the problem. My body and brain are incredibly picky about what the right circumstances are. It has to be very dark, very quiet, and the right temperature. If there's a noise somewhere it must be squashed or my brain will not let up on it. And we have a noisy fan, a very bright light shining outside our window and I sleep next to a walking furnace. So it usually takes me about an hour or so to get to sleep. After that happens I'm mostly alright, so long as nothing louder than a pin falling on the carpeted floor happens. I will wake up with ANYTHING. I don't know where the hell this comes from, but I am the lightest sleeper you can imagine. MrFig's turning on his side in bed can wake me up. It's infuriating, particularly because it takes me forever to go back to sleep.
And then morning comes and it sucks. I don't like mornings. Mornings should be banished from my life.
I light night time. And so, I go to bed way too late--12 at the earliest, but it's usually 2 before I close my book and go to sleep. So, I go to bed at around 2, far after MrFig is asleep. Then maybe the day before I got up to pee (tiny bladder also a problem) at 6:30, which means that the next day I will wake up at 6:30 whether I like it or not. Same thing about falling asleep--if the previous day I went to bed at 3 then by God you better believe I will not fall asleep until 3 the next day. It's terrible. So. His alarm clock goes off at 7:15. I wake up. He gets up and I try to go back to sleep, with my sleep mask on. Mostly this works. Then he has to leave for work anytime between 8 and 10, and I wake up again when he comes in to say goodbye. I love that he does this, and I usually get up after that.
Am I spoiled or what? Yes this is all because I don't have a job, but bear with me. So I get up, I stumble around, exhausted because I had about 5 hours of very broken-up sleep and then I'm just annoyed at the world. Thus the exhaustion.
Christ, I just spent like 3 pages explaining my sleeping habits. I'm sorry.
Point is, I never feel like I've gotten enough sleep. Hopefully now that I can get a job I'll be able to correct this and have a decent sleeping schedule. I think the last time I had one of those was...hell, probably in High School. Because then college happened and I was all over the place. Then I started working at the high school and that meant getting up at 5:30am...but I would spend the night chatting to MrFig on the computer, sometimes until midnight. After that it was still talking until all hours of the night, and I'd be woken up by noisy neighbors.
This all just means I'm an idiot with too much freedom with my schedule and that needs to end soon because I'm not getting any younger.
OH! So in other, actually important and not totally boring blog updates, I FINALLY got my Work Permit from the USCIS. Six months after I entered the US, but YAY! This means that not only can I get a job, but I can open up a bank account, I can learn how to drive and actually get a car, I can get a library card, I can, well, do pretty much anything. I still can't leave the country (I'll need permanent residence for that and that's still about a year away), but like before I can travel around the country itself. So, yay!
I need to start looking for jobs pretty soon. I'm hoping to get my teaching certificate and just go to town with teaching. I'm not sure if I'll stick with Art--I'm getting more and more interested in teaching ESL or something like that. I have high hopes that with the fact that I'm bilingual and have two years' experience I won't have too much trouble landing a job, even if it's part-time. So wish me luck.
So that's that. An entry on sleeping habits and my work permit.
Maybe later I'll make a cherry pie and update The Pain. For now, I need to just sit around on the couch some more and enjoy the days before I go back to the workforce.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Project Pain: Chapter 8
Today was a great day. It was over 100 degrees for the first time, but even that didn't stop the goodness. We went to Target, and I LOVE Target. That alone made it great. I bought a couple of summer shirts to wear to the beach next week (WOO!) and some more ice cream. Then I cooked chicken drumsticks with lemon and herbs, some curry rice and corn on the cob. It was a smashing combination. And now we have Noises Off! from Netflix to watch, and booze to drink.
It's a good day. Even if my computer's power cord decided to freak out and refuse to work unless it's held up at exactly the right angle and I have to use an external keyboard and mouse for the first time in 10 years (oh, woe!) so that I won't move the power cord and cause the whole thing to collapse. It was still a good day.
So, what does my brain decide that I should do? Update my blog. And because I don't have much to say aside from how full of delicious food and happiness I am, there's only one other thing I can post about. Pain and misery.
Let's get to it, then.
*****
CHAPTER 8: PORT ANGELES
Fast n Hard:
Bella and her "friends" take a trip into town to look at dresses. Since Bella isn't going to the dance, she wanders off on her own. And because she's a dumbass, she gets lost and is quickly harassed by some dastardly miscreants. But never fear! Eddie Sparkles is here! she rescues her, then takes her to dinner and they have an awkward pseudo-date. The he drives her home and doesn't even TRY TO KISS HER! WOE!
Also, this is where I decide to start keeping track of how many times Stephenie Meyers ("Poop", if you're paying attention) mentions something about how pretty Edward is. I'll keep count of how many times she references his good looks, and how many synonyms for "pretty, oh so pretty" she managed to find in the thesaurus. Spoiler: I'm on Chapter 12 right now and we're already up to 25. Fun times. I think that, by the time this ends, I will have collected a veritable treasure trove of horrors, and it will be hilarious. I expect that the count will get much higher once I go back to the previous 7 chapters.
Real-Time Notes:
-Wow, Bella's socializing and not making fun of anyone, that's refreshing! She and the girls drive to Port Angeles so that the girls can buy dresses. Bella isn't going to the dance so she'll just come along. And sulk, probably.
-She spends a great deal of time describing the dresses the other girls are trying on. And it just kills me, too, because as I've mentioned before just about every other character in this book reads like a completely unimportant and boring meatpuppet. Bella doesn't care about them, so they don't matter in the least. So it's boring AND forgettable.
-Bella ditches them (see?) and wanders off to the bookstore on her own. She looks through books and describes the bookstore and everyone in it. This woman SERIOUSLY needs to learn to not describe shit that doesn't matter. She leaves the bookstore.
-Because she's so completely engrossed with thoughts of Eddie, she gets lost, and ends up being pursued by some thugs out on the street. I start skipping paragraphs of her describing every single step she takes and every sound she hears so that I can just get to the moment where the cavalry comes in in the shape of Edward Frakkin' Cullen. It's about 4 pages of buildup for a 2 second rescue that we saw coming fifteen pages ago.
- So she gets in his car and they drive off. Here's where I start keeping count.
1. "I studied his flawless features"
-Edward is completely ANGRY at Bella because...she didn't take care of herself and how DARE SHE go off on her own when she knows she's an idiot and a magnet for trouble! And I tear my hair out because WHAT A DREAM, THIS GUY. Bella was just scared out of her mind and almost attacked or worse and she has to TALK YOU DOWN? You fuck!
-Ugh. They go to a restaurant, and Jessica and Whatsherface are just leaving. Bella tells them to go on, because
"I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior."
KILL ME.
-He keeps forcing her to do things: drink, eat some food, sit down, etc. And then this happens:
"I dazzle people?"
"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"
"Frequently," I admitted."
*HEADDESK*
I think what she's TRYING to say is that he 'dazes' her, which would make a LOT more sense, but this woman is a complete fucktard and says Edward is dazzling. Like a fucking disco ball or strobe lights. Which, now that I think about it, makes PERFECT sense. Also, isn't there a superhero called Dazzler? And she goes around in roller skates and shoots glitter out of her hands and is completely useless? MAKES PERFECT SENSE. And I also think I had a My Little Pony called Dazzler.\
UPDATE: My friend Nathan pointed out to me that 'dazzle' is actually a very popular cliche in romance novels, which totally makes sense in the context of this novel. He'd also like to point out that reading romance novels from time to time doesn't make him any less of a Manly Man.
2."His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile."
-GAH. He makes her drink. He tells her off for not having a jacket--and gives her his, of fucking course.
3. "underneath he wore an ivory turtleneck sweater. It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was."
I picture this and crack up, because obviously the Cullens have been keeping J. Crew in business forever, because they're the yuppiest vampires to ever live.
-There is a LOT of awkward banter following this. I...ok, have you ever listened to a couple of teenagers out on their first date? it is the most embarrassing thing in the whole world, and just painful and sad. That's exactly what reading this is like, only worse because Ol' Sparky over there is supposed to be really old.
-""I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You're not a magnet for accidents — that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you."
Hey, Bella? Eds? I want to introduce you to my friend Mary Sue. I think Bella in particular will find that they have SO MUCH in common! a delight for the ages?
Puke.
- Oh, get this. Apparently he always knows where she is because, well, he can read everyone's mind (not hers, of course) and he basically spies on her through them. Lovely. He's mind-stalking the shit out of you and you think it's the most swoonworthy thing a boy has ever said to you. KILL, BELLA! KILL!
-But no, he just decides to drive her home. Snore.
I wonder how you kill these "vampires"? Stain remover? Just some warm water and soap like when you need to get rid of glitter glue? Drop them off a cliff? Oooh! I like that.
***
Final Impression: The Wooing begins at last, and it's painful. I guess I can see some people thinking it's really sweet; young girls can fantasize about having the perfect first date, too, though they'll be disappointed when they find out that teenage boys can do ANYTHING but read a girl's mind. And the older ladies can think back on their first dates and wish that someone could read THEIR minds and know their every desire. It's just nothing more than simple, cheesy wish fulfillment, and I sort of get it. My problem is just that there's this giant white elephant in the room, Edward's "condition", and it's just plain creepy with its undertones of abusive relationships and such. I guess I can see how some people might say I'm thinking way too hard about this, but I really just find it obvious and not at all easy to miss. But, to each their own I suppose. Won't stop me from enumerating the many, many ways in which this book is a terrible example for women of all ages.
Ahem.
Final Grade: D. Something happens at last, but it's predictable and boring.
**
Update:
I went back to my notes and noticed that I had missed one "Perfect Eddie" tidbit. Here it is:
4) "It smelled amazing. I inhaled,trying to identify the delicious scent. It didn't smell like cologne."
It's a good day. Even if my computer's power cord decided to freak out and refuse to work unless it's held up at exactly the right angle and I have to use an external keyboard and mouse for the first time in 10 years (oh, woe!) so that I won't move the power cord and cause the whole thing to collapse. It was still a good day.
So, what does my brain decide that I should do? Update my blog. And because I don't have much to say aside from how full of delicious food and happiness I am, there's only one other thing I can post about. Pain and misery.
Let's get to it, then.
*****
CHAPTER 8: PORT ANGELES
Fast n Hard:
Bella and her "friends" take a trip into town to look at dresses. Since Bella isn't going to the dance, she wanders off on her own. And because she's a dumbass, she gets lost and is quickly harassed by some dastardly miscreants. But never fear! Eddie Sparkles is here! she rescues her, then takes her to dinner and they have an awkward pseudo-date. The he drives her home and doesn't even TRY TO KISS HER! WOE!
Also, this is where I decide to start keeping track of how many times Stephenie Meyers ("Poop", if you're paying attention) mentions something about how pretty Edward is. I'll keep count of how many times she references his good looks, and how many synonyms for "pretty, oh so pretty" she managed to find in the thesaurus. Spoiler: I'm on Chapter 12 right now and we're already up to 25. Fun times. I think that, by the time this ends, I will have collected a veritable treasure trove of horrors, and it will be hilarious. I expect that the count will get much higher once I go back to the previous 7 chapters.
Real-Time Notes:
-Wow, Bella's socializing and not making fun of anyone, that's refreshing! She and the girls drive to Port Angeles so that the girls can buy dresses. Bella isn't going to the dance so she'll just come along. And sulk, probably.
-She spends a great deal of time describing the dresses the other girls are trying on. And it just kills me, too, because as I've mentioned before just about every other character in this book reads like a completely unimportant and boring meatpuppet. Bella doesn't care about them, so they don't matter in the least. So it's boring AND forgettable.
-Bella ditches them (see?) and wanders off to the bookstore on her own. She looks through books and describes the bookstore and everyone in it. This woman SERIOUSLY needs to learn to not describe shit that doesn't matter. She leaves the bookstore.
-Because she's so completely engrossed with thoughts of Eddie, she gets lost, and ends up being pursued by some thugs out on the street. I start skipping paragraphs of her describing every single step she takes and every sound she hears so that I can just get to the moment where the cavalry comes in in the shape of Edward Frakkin' Cullen. It's about 4 pages of buildup for a 2 second rescue that we saw coming fifteen pages ago.
- So she gets in his car and they drive off. Here's where I start keeping count.
1. "I studied his flawless features"
-Edward is completely ANGRY at Bella because...she didn't take care of herself and how DARE SHE go off on her own when she knows she's an idiot and a magnet for trouble! And I tear my hair out because WHAT A DREAM, THIS GUY. Bella was just scared out of her mind and almost attacked or worse and she has to TALK YOU DOWN? You fuck!
-Ugh. They go to a restaurant, and Jessica and Whatsherface are just leaving. Bella tells them to go on, because
"I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior."
KILL ME.
-He keeps forcing her to do things: drink, eat some food, sit down, etc. And then this happens:
"I dazzle people?"
"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"
"Frequently," I admitted."
*HEADDESK*
I think what she's TRYING to say is that he 'dazes' her, which would make a LOT more sense, but this woman is a complete fucktard and says Edward is dazzling. Like a fucking disco ball or strobe lights. Which, now that I think about it, makes PERFECT sense. Also, isn't there a superhero called Dazzler? And she goes around in roller skates and shoots glitter out of her hands and is completely useless? MAKES PERFECT SENSE. And I also think I had a My Little Pony called Dazzler.\
UPDATE: My friend Nathan pointed out to me that 'dazzle' is actually a very popular cliche in romance novels, which totally makes sense in the context of this novel. He'd also like to point out that reading romance novels from time to time doesn't make him any less of a Manly Man.
2."His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile."
-GAH. He makes her drink. He tells her off for not having a jacket--and gives her his, of fucking course.
3. "underneath he wore an ivory turtleneck sweater. It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was."
I picture this and crack up, because obviously the Cullens have been keeping J. Crew in business forever, because they're the yuppiest vampires to ever live.
-There is a LOT of awkward banter following this. I...ok, have you ever listened to a couple of teenagers out on their first date? it is the most embarrassing thing in the whole world, and just painful and sad. That's exactly what reading this is like, only worse because Ol' Sparky over there is supposed to be really old.
-""I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You're not a magnet for accidents — that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you."
Hey, Bella? Eds? I want to introduce you to my friend Mary Sue. I think Bella in particular will find that they have SO MUCH in common! a delight for the ages?
Puke.
- Oh, get this. Apparently he always knows where she is because, well, he can read everyone's mind (not hers, of course) and he basically spies on her through them. Lovely. He's mind-stalking the shit out of you and you think it's the most swoonworthy thing a boy has ever said to you. KILL, BELLA! KILL!
-But no, he just decides to drive her home. Snore.
I wonder how you kill these "vampires"? Stain remover? Just some warm water and soap like when you need to get rid of glitter glue? Drop them off a cliff? Oooh! I like that.
***
Final Impression: The Wooing begins at last, and it's painful. I guess I can see some people thinking it's really sweet; young girls can fantasize about having the perfect first date, too, though they'll be disappointed when they find out that teenage boys can do ANYTHING but read a girl's mind. And the older ladies can think back on their first dates and wish that someone could read THEIR minds and know their every desire. It's just nothing more than simple, cheesy wish fulfillment, and I sort of get it. My problem is just that there's this giant white elephant in the room, Edward's "condition", and it's just plain creepy with its undertones of abusive relationships and such. I guess I can see how some people might say I'm thinking way too hard about this, but I really just find it obvious and not at all easy to miss. But, to each their own I suppose. Won't stop me from enumerating the many, many ways in which this book is a terrible example for women of all ages.
Ahem.
Final Grade: D. Something happens at last, but it's predictable and boring.
**
Update:
I went back to my notes and noticed that I had missed one "Perfect Eddie" tidbit. Here it is:
4) "It smelled amazing. I inhaled,trying to identify the delicious scent. It didn't smell like cologne."
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Project Pain: Chapter 7
Let's get right into it, because I'm in snarkin' mood and itchin' for some bitchin'.
Oh yeah.
**
CHAPTER 7: NIGHTMARE
[as in: this BOOK is a nightmare! hyuck hyuck!]
Fast n Hard:
Bella does research on vampires and misses Eddie. That's it, plot wise. Big picture-wise,Poop Meyer destroys vampire mythology in one fell swoop. In its place she raises up...Sparkles McGee.
Real Time Notes:
-Klutz has a dream and Jacob's there. He turns into a wolf *roll eyes* and Ed comes striding along all shiny. *rolls eyes right out of head*. Ow, my optic nerve.
- She has to describe every single thing she does before checking the internet. She tells us she picked up the CD player, then the headphones, then the modem made a noise, and she watched some dust, then she stared off into space, then she scratched her left nut...
-So she does some research, to show us that Poop really did some research about vampires. And bitch still made them sparkly. Ugh. How insulting. Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave. YOU ARE CURSED FOR LIFE, STEPHANIE MEYER. Eric the Viking is so gonna come over and bitchslap you one day.
-She goes for a walk, sits down and reads a book. This all takes like three pages to describe.
-[about Eddie Sparkles]"And the way be sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom."
No. No. He talks like a harlequin romance character, because that's the extent of Poop's knowledge about 'ye olden times'.
-She seems to think she only has two options--stay away from him (IMPOSSIBLE) or just go with it (YAY HE IS PRETTY) so, that's it. This is the least conflicting conflict I've ever read about.
- Bella is writing a paper on "Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic" and I crack up in derision because there could be entire libraries filled with books on how these books are misogynistic.
-Oh goody. We get to read about her talking on the phone with Jessica about going shopping, then about her taking a NAP and then talking about food with dad AND THIS IS REALLY FUCKING BORING.
Final Impressions: fuck all happened. I start to think that this wouldn't be so insufferable if the protagonist were at least mildly interesting. But no, we're stuck with Klutz McBlandy and I hate her.
Final Grade: F for being completely unnecessary.
***
Hmmm...I was gonna do two chapter but I better hold on to this next one, because it's long and painful and as usual, I wrote too much about it. Also, I need to take a shower and do laundry.
Oh yeah.
**
CHAPTER 7: NIGHTMARE
[as in: this BOOK is a nightmare! hyuck hyuck!]
Fast n Hard:
Bella does research on vampires and misses Eddie. That's it, plot wise. Big picture-wise,
Real Time Notes:
-Klutz has a dream and Jacob's there. He turns into a wolf *roll eyes* and Ed comes striding along all shiny. *rolls eyes right out of head*. Ow, my optic nerve.
- She has to describe every single thing she does before checking the internet. She tells us she picked up the CD player, then the headphones, then the modem made a noise, and she watched some dust, then she stared off into space, then she scratched her left nut...
-So she does some research, to show us that Poop really did some research about vampires. And bitch still made them sparkly. Ugh. How insulting. Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave. YOU ARE CURSED FOR LIFE, STEPHANIE MEYER. Eric the Viking is so gonna come over and bitchslap you one day.
-She goes for a walk, sits down and reads a book. This all takes like three pages to describe.
-[about Eddie Sparkles]"And the way be sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom."
No. No. He talks like a harlequin romance character, because that's the extent of Poop's knowledge about 'ye olden times'.
-She seems to think she only has two options--stay away from him (IMPOSSIBLE) or just go with it (YAY HE IS PRETTY) so, that's it. This is the least conflicting conflict I've ever read about.
- Bella is writing a paper on "Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic" and I crack up in derision because there could be entire libraries filled with books on how these books are misogynistic.
-Oh goody. We get to read about her talking on the phone with Jessica about going shopping, then about her taking a NAP and then talking about food with dad AND THIS IS REALLY FUCKING BORING.
Final Impressions: fuck all happened. I start to think that this wouldn't be so insufferable if the protagonist were at least mildly interesting. But no, we're stuck with Klutz McBlandy and I hate her.
Final Grade: F for being completely unnecessary.
***
Hmmm...I was gonna do two chapter but I better hold on to this next one, because it's long and painful and as usual, I wrote too much about it. Also, I need to take a shower and do laundry.
Monday, May 31, 2010
The Pain: Chapter 6 (and some other stuff)
Happy Memorial Day, everyone! I know it's a bit weird to some people to hear "Happy Memorial Day!" because it seems to kind of conflict with the idea of the thing, but it's just something you say. Most people are out barbecuing (thanks, spellcheck) or enjoying the last bits of spring when they can actually be outside and not melt inside 5 minutes. I'm at home as usual, MrFig has the day off and we're doing...well, nothing. As is our wont. I'm blogging and he's playing videogames. I think we might watch The Two Towers later, because what's a better way to waste 4 hours than a 4 hour movie! none, I tell you. Then I might bake some pork chops and make a potato salad so that I won't feel completely useless. We might just leave the house to pick up some groceries we forgot to get (I need to improve my list-making skills), like tapioca so I can make a cherry pie. Very American. We might go to the pool. Probably not, though, because I'm cramping and cranky. Crampking.
And in the spirit of not really doing anything, I'm gonna continue with Project Pain and give myself something to read and complain about. I'm in the mood for snarking. Meanwhile, here is a random list of things I might do today in addition to bitching about Bella and Ed:
1) finish my drawing so I can start painting it. I'm kind of terrified to do this.
2) make pie.
3) Play the Super Nintendo version of Prince of Persia, because it is awesome and frustrating as anything. And it'll help me forget that there's a movie out there right now bastardizing the name.
4) POOL. I'm trying to psych myself into doing ALL THE WORK that going to the pool requires (ugh, so much effort to relax)
5) watch some more telenovelas on youtube.
6) imagine a giant bbq party with burgers and hot dogs right off the grill
7) think about how Honduras is flooding like mad again, because we never learn or do anything about fixing everything that got fucked up last time it rained this hard (last year at the exact same time because IT IS CALLED RAINY SEASON FOR A REASON)
8) laundry? eeeh...
9) take a shower at some point
Alright, I'll do one chapter of The Pain.
*******
Starter Notes: While reading over my notes I realized that this is where I started calling Stephanie Meyers "Poop". No, really. I'm that mature. But it was shorter to write and it's a lot easier to remember how to spell it. I realize how very childish this is, and possibly offensive, but then, who gives a crap (hyuck)? I'm not exactly going for literary genius here. Plus she deserves it. It's not even that funny and it's certainly bitchy, but there you go. I might stop. Or not.
Probably not.
CHAPTER 6: SCARY STORIES
[Not]
Fast n Hard:
The beach trip that we've been hearing about for three ages finally happens. Some kids from the local Native American tribe come along, and Bella meets Jacob Black. Bella manages to coerce Jacob into telling her some of the local legends concerning werewolves and vampires ("cold ones", snerk), because he drops some hints about the Cullens. She is of course enthralled, and finally starts putting the pieces together as to what her precious Eddie might really be. Because she's very, very slow.
Real Time Notes:
-School. Edward's not there, she's miserable. People keep trying to be friendly for some reason. In my experience, most High School kids will give the new girl a chance, but if she's as obnoxious and unfriendly as Bella is? Shunned for life. So these kids are just idiots, which just serves makes sure that no one is more interesting than Bella or the Cullens. Good job, Poop.
- Beach Day is finally here. They meet up at some store and we meet a bunch of kids that I'm sure we don't need to care about, because Bella sure doesn't.
-They get to the beach and it sounds pretty.
-Some of them go hiking, but Bella's afraid of tripping. Sheesh, woman. At one point you stop being adorably clumsy and just become an idiot who can't stand upright without falling.
- Oh, God. I have to quote this whole thing because IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. It's...it's...oh god, just look:
"The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return."
Hey, Poop? My 16-year old Writer-Wannabe Self called. She said you're trying too hard and you're embarrassing yourself. TOO MUCH. AUGH MY BRAIN. I almost feel bad for her, thinking this shit is profound. It's the stuff that makes writing teachers weep into their coffee because their life isn't long enough to teach kids to not write like this, ever. It's painful. It makes kittens cry and babies poop in shame. Waugh.
- Sigh. Moving on. Some of the reservation boys come visit and we meet Jacob. He is pretty young and of course gorgeous (as any suitor to Bella must be), with perfect skin, pretty eyes and cheekbones up to there. There's of course a 'ding ding!' moment when he sees Bella, because she smells of butterflies and looks like a precious cupcake with rainbows.
- "You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"
It was like the first day of school all over again.
"Bella," I sighed."
GOD FORBID PEOPLE ASK YOU YOUR NAME, YOU DUMB BROAD.
- So he's all into Bella because every male in the vicinity has to be. You know, every single time I read of a character like this all I can think of is Heath Ledger in 10 Things About You, when he finds out that about 10 guys want to sleep with this one chick, so he asks "What is it with this chick? she got beer-flavored nipples or what?"
YEAH, OR WHAT. God, I loathe this type of character. So much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
- Someone mentions how the Cullens don't go to the beach and Bella is of course all curious and wants to con Jacob into telling her something; she does this by flirting. Heh. And because he's a sad teenage boy he falls for it.
- ""Another legend claims that we descended from wolves — and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."
Heh. Spoiler alert: Jacob's tribe is made up of a bunch of werewolves.
"Then there are the stories about the cold ones."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
- The Indian tribe has ONE ENEMY and they call them "The Cold Ones". But there's one clan that the Indians made a pact with, so that they (the vampires) wouldn't come to the Indian lands. This bunch ofvampire Cold Ones claimed that they didn't eat humans, but that it's sometimes 'dangerous' for them to be around the meat puppets. OMG JUST LIKE EDWARD SAID--COULD IT BE?! GASP!
- "Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."
WAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.........*tense strings*
- "I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting."
You know, Bella's kind of gross.
Final Impressions: Meh. There's some interesting stuff with the legends, but it's all done in so clunky a manner that it's just an information dump so that Bella can finally figure some stuff out. I did like Jacob, though, if only because he seems vaguely more interesting and nice than any other boys surrounding Bella, including ol' Eddie Sparkles. It's just too bad that he actuallylikes Bella.
Final Grade: C for not sucking too much, but not being very good either.
And in the spirit of not really doing anything, I'm gonna continue with Project Pain and give myself something to read and complain about. I'm in the mood for snarking. Meanwhile, here is a random list of things I might do today in addition to bitching about Bella and Ed:
1) finish my drawing so I can start painting it. I'm kind of terrified to do this.
2) make pie.
3) Play the Super Nintendo version of Prince of Persia, because it is awesome and frustrating as anything. And it'll help me forget that there's a movie out there right now bastardizing the name.
4) POOL. I'm trying to psych myself into doing ALL THE WORK that going to the pool requires (ugh, so much effort to relax)
5) watch some more telenovelas on youtube.
6) imagine a giant bbq party with burgers and hot dogs right off the grill
7) think about how Honduras is flooding like mad again, because we never learn or do anything about fixing everything that got fucked up last time it rained this hard (last year at the exact same time because IT IS CALLED RAINY SEASON FOR A REASON)
8) laundry? eeeh...
9) take a shower at some point
Alright, I'll do one chapter of The Pain.
*******
Starter Notes: While reading over my notes I realized that this is where I started calling Stephanie Meyers "Poop". No, really. I'm that mature. But it was shorter to write and it's a lot easier to remember how to spell it. I realize how very childish this is, and possibly offensive, but then, who gives a crap (hyuck)? I'm not exactly going for literary genius here. Plus she deserves it. It's not even that funny and it's certainly bitchy, but there you go. I might stop. Or not.
Probably not.
CHAPTER 6: SCARY STORIES
[Not]
Fast n Hard:
The beach trip that we've been hearing about for three ages finally happens. Some kids from the local Native American tribe come along, and Bella meets Jacob Black. Bella manages to coerce Jacob into telling her some of the local legends concerning werewolves and vampires ("cold ones", snerk), because he drops some hints about the Cullens. She is of course enthralled, and finally starts putting the pieces together as to what her precious Eddie might really be. Because she's very, very slow.
Real Time Notes:
-School. Edward's not there, she's miserable. People keep trying to be friendly for some reason. In my experience, most High School kids will give the new girl a chance, but if she's as obnoxious and unfriendly as Bella is? Shunned for life. So these kids are just idiots, which just serves makes sure that no one is more interesting than Bella or the Cullens. Good job, Poop.
- Beach Day is finally here. They meet up at some store and we meet a bunch of kids that I'm sure we don't need to care about, because Bella sure doesn't.
-They get to the beach and it sounds pretty.
-Some of them go hiking, but Bella's afraid of tripping. Sheesh, woman. At one point you stop being adorably clumsy and just become an idiot who can't stand upright without falling.
- Oh, God. I have to quote this whole thing because IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. It's...it's...oh god, just look:
"The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return."
Hey, Poop? My 16-year old Writer-Wannabe Self called. She said you're trying too hard and you're embarrassing yourself. TOO MUCH. AUGH MY BRAIN. I almost feel bad for her, thinking this shit is profound. It's the stuff that makes writing teachers weep into their coffee because their life isn't long enough to teach kids to not write like this, ever. It's painful. It makes kittens cry and babies poop in shame. Waugh.
- Sigh. Moving on. Some of the reservation boys come visit and we meet Jacob. He is pretty young and of course gorgeous (as any suitor to Bella must be), with perfect skin, pretty eyes and cheekbones up to there. There's of course a 'ding ding!' moment when he sees Bella, because she smells of butterflies and looks like a precious cupcake with rainbows.
- "You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"
It was like the first day of school all over again.
"Bella," I sighed."
GOD FORBID PEOPLE ASK YOU YOUR NAME, YOU DUMB BROAD.
- So he's all into Bella because every male in the vicinity has to be. You know, every single time I read of a character like this all I can think of is Heath Ledger in 10 Things About You, when he finds out that about 10 guys want to sleep with this one chick, so he asks "What is it with this chick? she got beer-flavored nipples or what?"
YEAH, OR WHAT. God, I loathe this type of character. So much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
- Someone mentions how the Cullens don't go to the beach and Bella is of course all curious and wants to con Jacob into telling her something; she does this by flirting. Heh. And because he's a sad teenage boy he falls for it.
- ""Another legend claims that we descended from wolves — and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."
Heh. Spoiler alert: Jacob's tribe is made up of a bunch of werewolves.
"Then there are the stories about the cold ones."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
- The Indian tribe has ONE ENEMY and they call them "The Cold Ones". But there's one clan that the Indians made a pact with, so that they (the vampires) wouldn't come to the Indian lands. This bunch of
- "Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."
WAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.........*tense strings*
- "I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting."
You know, Bella's kind of gross.
Final Impressions: Meh. There's some interesting stuff with the legends, but it's all done in so clunky a manner that it's just an information dump so that Bella can finally figure some stuff out. I did like Jacob, though, if only because he seems vaguely more interesting and nice than any other boys surrounding Bella, including ol' Eddie Sparkles. It's just too bad that he actuallylikes Bella.
Final Grade: C for not sucking too much, but not being very good either.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The Pain: Chapters 4 and 5
Apologies for the delay. I know that, if you're like me and have nothing better to do, you must be sitting there yelling curses at me through the screen because WHY WON'T YOU UPDATE ALREADY?
No, that's just me? well, then. Fine. Be that way.
BUT if you want to know I have no better excuse than I've had a crazy few days. The Lost finale left me emotionally hungover (I couldn't really sleep on Sunday) and hungover the real way, what with the forty thousand or so margaritas I downed during the show. I was gonna post a whole rant about the finale, but everyone and their cousin has already done that, so I'll just say that I still like it and I plan to watch the entire show from the start this summer. And make my husband watch it too, bwah. it's his punishment for only watching the last season, the cheater.
Wait, this was supposed to be a Twilight post. So I'll get on that. Just wanted to add a thanks to all the people who have said something about Project Pain outside the blog. I thought that with the lack of comments no one was reading, but I suppose most people just don't comment on blogs. I know I don't. But, anyway, thanks for reading and for your encouragement. One of the main reasons for doing this thing is that I know people might be curious about the books and want to read them, so I'm doing a public service by a) taking the pain for you, b) not giving S.Meyers more money when you buy her books (I borrowed mine), c) making it fun. So, you know, YOU'RE WELCOME.
....And I just lost a couple of readers. I'm sorry. I woke up cranky this morning.
Shit. Stop talking. Get to recapping.
*****
[Warning: there's a lot of quotes her but I HAD to because I'm scared some of you won't believe me unless I provide proof.]
CHAPTER 4: INVITATIONS
Fast n' Hard Summary:
Klutz (Bella) dreams and thinks about Edward a lot. A LOT. She thinks he hates her (because he saved her?). There's gonna be a dance and a couple of dudes who don't matter ask her to go. She says no. She goes to school. She thinks about Edward. She does PE and flails. She thinks about Edward. She eats. She thinks about Edward. She cooks dinner for her dad. She thinks about Edward. One day Edward talks to her OMG and offers her a ride to Seattle so he's not so mean anymore. That's it. Oh, she thinks about Edward some more.
Real Time Notes:
-"After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach."
OK here's where I spoil things a bit, because of how I know the story and what not: EDWARD IS SNEAKING INTO HER ROOM AT NIGHT AND STARING AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS, THE FREAK. No, I am NOT kidding. NO, I AM NOT. You'll see!
Let that sink in for a bit. Of course we don't know this yet but just...ick.
- She mentions how no one ever talks to Edward--but I'd like to point out that it's him that never talks to anyone because he's a stuck-up little bitch (and he can read minds, though we don't know that yet) with his gorgeous family. So she thinks he's special, like her. Except he hates her, waah!
-Jeebus this chick is such a victim. She just has this ridiculous low self-esteem for no reason at all--she has a dad who loves her, she's smart, apparently men are flocking to her and girls want to be her friends WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?! But she never does anything about anything, just whines and wonders why EDWARD hates her. Screw everybody else.
-I don't know why she can't just say 'days passed' instead of describing every single day in great detail. Edward has freaky eyes that change color. They're now back to like, pissy yellow,, and that seems to indicate he's being "nice".
- There's a 'girl's choice' dance happening at the school. Jess wants to invite Mike, but Mike wants to invite Bella. It doesn't matter though, because Meyers writes these kids as such complete losers (to make Bella look better) that we don't have to care about them one bit.
-Blah, blah, Mike wants Bella to ask him for some reason. She miraculously feels sort of sorry for him. Edward's right next to them giving them bitch eyes. If this were a sane girl she'd ask him what the fuck his problem was, but they just stare at each other.
-"My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot."
*snort* Why didn't we get this in the movie?
-Mike, Eric AND Tyler ask Bella to the dance because WHY?! WHY! WHYYYYYYY WOULD ANYONE LIKE THIS GIRL?!
-Edward sees her rejecting Tyler and cracks up. He's an asshole and she loves him.
-Then Bella cooks and this happens in her stupid little head:
"Of course he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect…and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand."
Holy God strike me down because this is just too much to handle.
- Blah blah, she makes dinner, she talks to Charlie about going to Seattle and it's really boring. Man this woman doesn't spare mundane details.
-So she goes to school, Edward's there being really annoying and suave and gorgeous and whatever. If he weren't so pretty, wouldn't she hate him too? Anyway.
"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.
And you are utterly an asshole. I mean, you're RIGHT, but still.
-"It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."
Heh. Not bad, I guess.
"His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe."
Aaand you ruined it.
- OK, done. How cliche is that "stay away from me, I'm DANGEROUS!" line, anyway? From the Hulk to the Wolfman to Sparklette over here. Sigh. Don't they KNOW that that'll only make the dumbass chick want them more? Don't they read? stupid conflicted heroes.
Final Impression:
Bella's still a boring, insecure idiot. Edward is just that type of charming gorgeous guy that chicks are supposed to go crazy for but that I stopped caring about when I realized most of them were assholes. He makes Bella feel even more inadequate than she already does, but he likes her and he's pretty so she likes him even more. It's really pretty sickening.
Final Grade: F for Fucking Wrong and giving girls terrible role models.
****
[Ready for more? this one's blissfully short]
CHAPTER 5: BLOOD TYPE
More mindless school and talk of weather because Mike wants a trip to the beach. Edward is sitting by himself in the cafeteria and calls Bella so they can talk and stare at each other. He says how he's not to be trusted, etc, only making her want him more. Bella then goes to Biology, where they're doing blood-type tests and Edward isn't there. Bella freaks out at the sight of blood (AWESOME) and nearly faints. Mike takes her to the nurse, then Edward takes her from him and carries her, then they leave in his car. He is pretty some more.
Real-Time Notes:
- HA! so she goes to lunch and Ed is sitting there by himself being all creepy motioning with his finger and WINKING. Oy, Ed. Aren't you super old? And you're luring a young girl to you with WINKING. CREEP.
-"It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up."
Heehee...OK I totally get that because didn't we all think our crushes were perfect back then? Hell, I still think that about John Hamm. He looks like a comic book pilot.
- He's still all mysterious and of course she loves it. Keeps warning her about how horrible he is but not saying anything, so of course the chick is all intrigued.
- So she finally tells him he's annoying and he gets all hurt and grimacing and whatever. DUDE, I know you can't read her mind but don't be an IDIOT. You've been around how many years and you still know nothing about teenage girls? You fail at EVERYTHING.
-He offers her food.
"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.
*FACEPALM*
- "Please tell me just one little theory [about what she thinks he is]." His eyes still smoldered at me."
Oh, god. Kill me. Also "smoldering" is in the List of Words That Must be Contained Within a Romance Novel. Along with things like "throbbing" and "heaving" and "shaft". But this is a Mormon writing this so alas, no throbbing shafts.
- We join Bella in Biology class and honestly, I detested biology in school and now I have to read about it? Good God. They're figuring out their blood types and OH I WONDER WHY ED ISN'T HERE.
-Bella gets all dizzy, much like I would, so I get that. It's wussy but what the hell. Needles freak me out.
-So he picks her up after Mike takes her outside because of course he does. Because that will TOTALLY help with her dizzyness, you twit. Bella! puke on him ! come on! be a woman! PUKE ON HIM!
But, no, she just goes to the nurse and it's really boring. Lame.
-So Ed gets Dullard out of going to class and decides to take her home. She doesn't want to go in his car so HE PULLS HER BY THE JACKET TOWARDS HIS CAR. Oh, implied violence, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.
-He has a CD playing Debussy in the car and he's all amazed that she knows it because DEBUSSY IS SO OBSCURE, obviously. They are SO meant to be!
- "Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious."
WE GET IT HE IS REALLY PRETTY. I need to start a list of all the synonyms for 'pretty' that Meyer uses. It's so completely unnecessary to keep hammering this point over and over again, but she still does it because maybe we're idiots like her and will forget, when that is ALL THAT EDWARD IS. Blergh.
Final Impression:
Edward is "charming" and superstrong and we're all supposed to have a massive crush on him already. Listen, I get that young girls love this shit, but there are actual grown women out there who LOVE this guy. It's so weird and creepy. Also weird and creepy? Edward is like 200 years old and going for a teenage girl. I just find it so bizarre and unromantic, along with the many other weird things about this character.
Final Grade: C- because things are at least starting to move along now.
**
Tune-in next time for Ed and Klutz's Adventures in Falling In Tweeny Love.
No, that's just me? well, then. Fine. Be that way.
BUT if you want to know I have no better excuse than I've had a crazy few days. The Lost finale left me emotionally hungover (I couldn't really sleep on Sunday) and hungover the real way, what with the forty thousand or so margaritas I downed during the show. I was gonna post a whole rant about the finale, but everyone and their cousin has already done that, so I'll just say that I still like it and I plan to watch the entire show from the start this summer. And make my husband watch it too, bwah. it's his punishment for only watching the last season, the cheater.
Wait, this was supposed to be a Twilight post. So I'll get on that. Just wanted to add a thanks to all the people who have said something about Project Pain outside the blog. I thought that with the lack of comments no one was reading, but I suppose most people just don't comment on blogs. I know I don't. But, anyway, thanks for reading and for your encouragement. One of the main reasons for doing this thing is that I know people might be curious about the books and want to read them, so I'm doing a public service by a) taking the pain for you, b) not giving S.Meyers more money when you buy her books (I borrowed mine), c) making it fun. So, you know, YOU'RE WELCOME.
....And I just lost a couple of readers. I'm sorry. I woke up cranky this morning.
Shit. Stop talking. Get to recapping.
*****
[Warning: there's a lot of quotes her but I HAD to because I'm scared some of you won't believe me unless I provide proof.]
CHAPTER 4: INVITATIONS
Fast n' Hard Summary:
Klutz (Bella) dreams and thinks about Edward a lot. A LOT. She thinks he hates her (because he saved her?). There's gonna be a dance and a couple of dudes who don't matter ask her to go. She says no. She goes to school. She thinks about Edward. She does PE and flails. She thinks about Edward. She eats. She thinks about Edward. She cooks dinner for her dad. She thinks about Edward. One day Edward talks to her OMG and offers her a ride to Seattle so he's not so mean anymore. That's it. Oh, she thinks about Edward some more.
Real Time Notes:
-"After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach."
OK here's where I spoil things a bit, because of how I know the story and what not: EDWARD IS SNEAKING INTO HER ROOM AT NIGHT AND STARING AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS, THE FREAK. No, I am NOT kidding. NO, I AM NOT. You'll see!
Let that sink in for a bit. Of course we don't know this yet but just...ick.
- She mentions how no one ever talks to Edward--but I'd like to point out that it's him that never talks to anyone because he's a stuck-up little bitch (and he can read minds, though we don't know that yet) with his gorgeous family. So she thinks he's special, like her. Except he hates her, waah!
-Jeebus this chick is such a victim. She just has this ridiculous low self-esteem for no reason at all--she has a dad who loves her, she's smart, apparently men are flocking to her and girls want to be her friends WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?! But she never does anything about anything, just whines and wonders why EDWARD hates her. Screw everybody else.
-I don't know why she can't just say 'days passed' instead of describing every single day in great detail. Edward has freaky eyes that change color. They're now back to like, pissy yellow,, and that seems to indicate he's being "nice".
- There's a 'girl's choice' dance happening at the school. Jess wants to invite Mike, but Mike wants to invite Bella. It doesn't matter though, because Meyers writes these kids as such complete losers (to make Bella look better) that we don't have to care about them one bit.
-Blah, blah, Mike wants Bella to ask him for some reason. She miraculously feels sort of sorry for him. Edward's right next to them giving them bitch eyes. If this were a sane girl she'd ask him what the fuck his problem was, but they just stare at each other.
-"My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot."
*snort* Why didn't we get this in the movie?
-Mike, Eric AND Tyler ask Bella to the dance because WHY?! WHY! WHYYYYYYY WOULD ANYONE LIKE THIS GIRL?!
-Edward sees her rejecting Tyler and cracks up. He's an asshole and she loves him.
-Then Bella cooks and this happens in her stupid little head:
"Of course he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect…and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand."
Holy God strike me down because this is just too much to handle.
- Blah blah, she makes dinner, she talks to Charlie about going to Seattle and it's really boring. Man this woman doesn't spare mundane details.
-So she goes to school, Edward's there being really annoying and suave and gorgeous and whatever. If he weren't so pretty, wouldn't she hate him too? Anyway.
"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.
And you are utterly an asshole. I mean, you're RIGHT, but still.
-"It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."
Heh. Not bad, I guess.
"His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe."
Aaand you ruined it.
- OK, done. How cliche is that "stay away from me, I'm DANGEROUS!" line, anyway? From the Hulk to the Wolfman to Sparklette over here. Sigh. Don't they KNOW that that'll only make the dumbass chick want them more? Don't they read? stupid conflicted heroes.
Final Impression:
Bella's still a boring, insecure idiot. Edward is just that type of charming gorgeous guy that chicks are supposed to go crazy for but that I stopped caring about when I realized most of them were assholes. He makes Bella feel even more inadequate than she already does, but he likes her and he's pretty so she likes him even more. It's really pretty sickening.
Final Grade: F for Fucking Wrong and giving girls terrible role models.
****
[Ready for more? this one's blissfully short]
CHAPTER 5: BLOOD TYPE
More mindless school and talk of weather because Mike wants a trip to the beach. Edward is sitting by himself in the cafeteria and calls Bella so they can talk and stare at each other. He says how he's not to be trusted, etc, only making her want him more. Bella then goes to Biology, where they're doing blood-type tests and Edward isn't there. Bella freaks out at the sight of blood (AWESOME) and nearly faints. Mike takes her to the nurse, then Edward takes her from him and carries her, then they leave in his car. He is pretty some more.
Real-Time Notes:
- HA! so she goes to lunch and Ed is sitting there by himself being all creepy motioning with his finger and WINKING. Oy, Ed. Aren't you super old? And you're luring a young girl to you with WINKING. CREEP.
-"It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up."
Heehee...OK I totally get that because didn't we all think our crushes were perfect back then? Hell, I still think that about John Hamm. He looks like a comic book pilot.
- He's still all mysterious and of course she loves it. Keeps warning her about how horrible he is but not saying anything, so of course the chick is all intrigued.
- So she finally tells him he's annoying and he gets all hurt and grimacing and whatever. DUDE, I know you can't read her mind but don't be an IDIOT. You've been around how many years and you still know nothing about teenage girls? You fail at EVERYTHING.
-He offers her food.
"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.
*FACEPALM*
- "Please tell me just one little theory [about what she thinks he is]." His eyes still smoldered at me."
Oh, god. Kill me. Also "smoldering" is in the List of Words That Must be Contained Within a Romance Novel. Along with things like "throbbing" and "heaving" and "shaft". But this is a Mormon writing this so alas, no throbbing shafts.
- We join Bella in Biology class and honestly, I detested biology in school and now I have to read about it? Good God. They're figuring out their blood types and OH I WONDER WHY ED ISN'T HERE.
-Bella gets all dizzy, much like I would, so I get that. It's wussy but what the hell. Needles freak me out.
-So he picks her up after Mike takes her outside because of course he does. Because that will TOTALLY help with her dizzyness, you twit. Bella! puke on him ! come on! be a woman! PUKE ON HIM!
But, no, she just goes to the nurse and it's really boring. Lame.
-So Ed gets Dullard out of going to class and decides to take her home. She doesn't want to go in his car so HE PULLS HER BY THE JACKET TOWARDS HIS CAR. Oh, implied violence, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.
-He has a CD playing Debussy in the car and he's all amazed that she knows it because DEBUSSY IS SO OBSCURE, obviously. They are SO meant to be!
- "Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious."
WE GET IT HE IS REALLY PRETTY. I need to start a list of all the synonyms for 'pretty' that Meyer uses. It's so completely unnecessary to keep hammering this point over and over again, but she still does it because maybe we're idiots like her and will forget, when that is ALL THAT EDWARD IS. Blergh.
Final Impression:
Edward is "charming" and superstrong and we're all supposed to have a massive crush on him already. Listen, I get that young girls love this shit, but there are actual grown women out there who LOVE this guy. It's so weird and creepy. Also weird and creepy? Edward is like 200 years old and going for a teenage girl. I just find it so bizarre and unromantic, along with the many other weird things about this character.
Final Grade: C- because things are at least starting to move along now.
**
Tune-in next time for Ed and Klutz's Adventures in Falling In Tweeny Love.
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