Friday, August 27, 2010

Quickie: Breaking News!

And AWESOME news. My Project Runway recaps will now be moving to Pajiba! They'll be posted on Mondays, so a little later but still as fabulous. I'm super excited, and a little nervous given that it'll be a much bigger audience (or I hope so, anyway). But it should be a blast- just about everything on Pajiba leads to a great, often hilarious discussion, so be sure to check out both the recap and the comments section this Monday.

I know most of the people who read this come here through Pajiba, but in case you didn't, please support our awesome website, and support yours truly, starting this Monday. Expect me to pimp it out in every way imaginable, too, because I like the attention.Woop!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 20

Only four more to go, you addicts of Pain. I recommend you read my previous post, wherein I tell Stephanie Meyer what's what, and also announced that yeah, I'll be doing Breaking Dawn next. Curiosity killed the Fig, and what not. Let's get on with it.

CHAPTER 20: Impatience
[AKA: I've gone beyond impatience in waiting for something to happen in this book]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40 (come on, Poop, you're falling behind!)

Quick n' Hard Summary:
So they're taking Bella away to Phoenix in their fuckwitted brilliant plan to try and set James off of Bella's scent. They DRIVE there which seems unbelievably stupid to me. And then they...sit in the hotel room and wait. That is seriously ALL THEY DO. Welcome to the "plot" part of the book! KILL ME.

Real-Time Notes:

-They're driving really fast, sometimes past the speed limit. Apparently vampires create a cloaking device around their cars that allow them to be invisible to traffic cops everywhere. She didn't say that, I'm speculating on their magical abilities to evade law enforcement.

And let's not even get into the monstrous stupidity of DRIVING Bella to her mother's house (where any good hunter would KNOW she would go) instead of flying her to say, Timbuktu. Wouldn't an unpredictable location reached by plane (you know, so he couldn't follow her scent) be the most logical plan?

OH HAHAHAHA what am I saying? That would require some intelligence on the part of your characters- who, let's remember, are hundreds of years old but seem to have the brains of a discarded shoe on the side of the highway. Jeebus wept.

Smarter than all the Cullens combined

I'm honestly amazed at the level of stupidity of these characters. There's no excuse at ALL to go through all this trouble. It only seems to be about driving Sparklutz apart so they can mope about and he can come to her rescue at the last minute. Oh, did I just tell you the ending? SORRY. But hey, if you couldn't figure it out before, congratulations! you're as big a dumbass as the Cullens.

- They magically get to Phoenix in a day instead of three. She's tired and sad, wah wah wah cry me a fucking river.

-She wakes up in the middle of the night, in some hotel. She misses Eddie. SNORE. When's James gonna show up again to kill her? Ick, if there's anything worse than Sparklutz staring at each other it's Bella moping about Eddie not being there. AND THAT IS WHAT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT. GODDAMMIT.

-blahblah she's scared and thinks its her fault. Well, yeah, but it's more Eddie's fault for being all possessive like a dog with a toy.


"It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone."

Translation: "We're so happy he'll finally stop being a virgin! I mean, we really thought he was gay for a while, but then he was more asexual, like a sponge? Anyway, we're so glad he'll finally stop whining about finding his Juliet or whatever the fuck! Happy day!"

Like Edward Cullen. Only less shiny, less asexual, and less of a dumbass.

-We get more of Alice, Jasper and Bella waiting to hear from the others, and Bella worrying, and more waiting, and Bella worrying. Fuck it. This is painful.

- And then Poop kills the vampire mythology some MORE. Apparently her "vampires" are venomous, and a single bite is enough to send people into painful, prolonged agony. Which...just...good god. Why do you have to RUIN EVERYTHING, POOP. Just when I think I can't hate this woman more she completely outdoes herself. So, vampires just have to bite someone ONCE for them to turn into vampires as well? How fucking stupid is that? The whole idea is that it's a big huge deal to turn into a vampire, involving YOU drinking FROM THE VAMPIRE'S BLOOD. It's one of the reasons why being (or getting turned into) a vampire is a big fucking deal, and a horrible thing to do. Why change that? OH YEAH. Just so that Eddie will have some bullshit excuse to not turn Bella into a Sparklepire when she wants him to.

Conclusion: These are not (and have never been) real vampires. They're fucking immortal sparkly snakes. But way less awesome and more whiny little bitches.

-"But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death."

Well that's just fucking stupid. Also, WHY would Carlisle want Edward and Rosalie to go through that shit? Carlie's a fucking freak. What we're saying here is that, instead of letting them die in their own time, he put them through WORSE pain just because he was lonely. And now they hate themselves. Lovely.

-Blargh. So, Alice has a vision that James has changed his mind and will be in some dark room with mirrors.

-Eddie calls.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you." "Come and get it, then," I challenged."

Ah, I missed your romantic ways, Sparklutz. Puke.

- Alice draws the room she sees. "It looks like a place I used to go for dance lessons — when I was eight or nine."

Wait. Old Jelly Legs Swan took BALLET? HAAAAAAAA!

-So she gets worried about her mom and calls her. Nothing happens. Because--get this--her mom is OUT OF TOWN. But she still worries that James is gonna go after her. Which...what?

I think this calls for this image, because words cannot convey my frustration at this stupidity:


Holy Godtopus, you guys. We've reached Stupidity Threat Level: Midnight. I can't take it. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

Final Impression: Really? Do I really need to tell you? Just look at that photo again.

Final Grade: F to infinity.

Final "Pretty" Count: 40

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stephanie Meyer, you are the WORST.

Hey, so you know what I haven't talked about in a while? Motherfrakkin' Twilight. Because GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. I finished it. I FINISHED IT. I read every single page of that monstrosity and I am so very proud of myself. Well, not proud so much as disgusted. But you have to know your enemy in order to destroy it, don't you? And oh, I know my enemy.

I have to say that I'm also glad that I can now safely proclaim, with plenty of proof at hand, and through painful personal experience that this is: THE. WORST. BOOK. OF. ALL. TIME. And I have read some seriously awful shit. I've read Patterson, people. I've read Dan Brown. Nicholas Sparks. Harlequin Romances. Paulo Coelho. And yet nothing has even come close to the awfulness of Twilight. Congratulations, Miss Meyer, you have reached lowest of the low on my scale of Things That Suck. There is nothing the least bit redeemable in your pie of horrors. Not one thing. They are terrible beyond belief, and it didn't even take me that long to find that out. It is hands-down the worst writing I have ever read in my life. It has the most unlikable characters in the history of literature. It has the weakest, most nonsensical 'plot' ever, and it has the most insulting, disgusting, disturbing 'romance' in literature intended for teenagers.

In short, dear lady, your book was disgusting. It destroyed my soul. It destroyed my brain as I tried to comprehend what kind of a mind could come up with something so thoroughly awful. It destroyed yet a little more of my belief in humanity, because the mere idea that people like this stuff (genuinely like it!) makes my heart ache.

You, Stephanie Meyer, are the worst.

But, hey, you're a millionaire, so who gives a shit what I think, right? WRONG. Because YES. Because you are awful and I think you should care. So, there.

And guess what, Miss-I-don't-care-what-Figgy-thinks-about-my-Horrible-Book-of-Horror: I AM NOT GOING TO STOP. Oh yes. No use pleading. I'm gonna read the other three books in this series of Utter and Absolute Pain and I WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY YOU.



I think I got a little carried away there. I just hate that woman so much. Even though, yes, I know that I brought this upon myself. Go away with your stupid "logic" and your "reasoning" and "Figgy this is your own fault"s. I don't like you either. Don't make me go over there and destroy your armies.

Anyhoo! I was gonna do the next chapter of The Pain Part 1 here, but I think I'll let this post stew in its own rage a little bit, and go take a shower because I feel dirty.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Project Runway, Season 8, Episode 4 (THE CRACKHEADS ARE IN TOWN)

I always feel like it's been forever since I updated this thing. Then I realized it's only been 4 days since I've bitched and whined and ranted. Maybe I just have an addiction. I think if I tried I could update at least three times a day, but I have to force myself not to so people won't become exhausted. I mean, sometimes I make myself tired. But that's what you get for having an overactive imagination. Better just to have these conversations with myself as I clean the house or take a shower or whatever. Anyway.

Episode 4, Season 8. The show is almost an hour and a half long, and I'm sorry to say that's about half an hour too long. Sometimes the filler is pretty pathetic. But let's start at the beginning of the craziness. This week: hats! crazy hats! albinos! ambulances! Tim Gunn is a ghost! the judges are on crack some more!


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 19

We're nearly done, troops! let us plow through this shitty excuse for a last minute attempt at a plot.

Just a quick thought regarding the casting for the terrible movies. Kristen Stewart was a terrible choice for Bella Swan. Think what you want about Miss Permanent Bitchface, I just think she has too much personality for Klutz McBoxofrocks. Even if it's an obnoxious personality. Granted, Bella could have been played by a cardboard cutout with its face removed so that each fan could attach their picture to it, but still. Stewart doesn't play vapid too well. She just looks like she has to poop all the time.

Pattinson, on the other hand? Weirdly perfect for Eddie Sparkles. He's got that completely bland, generically handsome face with the good bone structure and creepy eyes that Edward needed. Of course, calling him a Perfect Marble God Whose Face Devastates Nations is a bit of a stretch, but dude's just pretty. And his soul-killing monotone is exactly what I imagine Edward sounds like. So mumbly.

Anyway, let's get to this thing.

[Yay! It's super short!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
When we last left Sparklutz, the Cullens are trying to concoct some plan to get Bella away from the EVIL HUNTER James. First they go to Bella's house where Bella pretends to be going home to Phoenix. She yells at Charlie, then leaves. It's incredibly stupid and needlessly elaborate. Then they go to the Cullen's lair to prepare for Phase 2: The Dumbening, and Frenchiepants (Laurent) is there to tell them that James will never give up. The end.

Real-Time Notes:
-So, the big plan seems to be that Bella goes home to Charlie and yells a lot about Edward being a meanie and how she's gonna leave because she hates everyone, etc. It's funny how it's sort of implied that Bella is such a bitch that no one will really be surprised that she did this.

-"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot."

Borne? OK that might be a typo. I don't care enough to check.

-blah blah, she yells, Charlie's freaked out, she's breaking his heart. The idea is that she's doing the same thing to Charlie that her mom did when she walked out on him. And that's kind of weird. Did Bella hear her mom when she left or did the mom tell Bella this after the fact? If she did, well I can see where Bella gets the bitchiness, because that's a terrible thing to tell your 16 year old daughter.

-OK so this whole thing was so badly written that I got confused about what was going on. They want James to overhear the yelling. But he'll know that the Cullens are just trying to throw him off, so he'll stick around and not believe the story? It's really stupid either way, because they're counting on James falling for their lame-ass trick, which amounts to putting a fake mustache on Bella and thinking it's a good disguise.


How these people survived for thousands of years is beyond me.

-Anyway, they get to the car, leaving heartbroken Charlie behind. But Bella obviously doesn't care so we forget about him pretty quick.

-"I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault." His voice was wry. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered."

One, what is it with this chick's smell? Second, yeah it'll ease her mind to keep getting blamed for someone WANTING TO EAT HER even though she did nothing. Yay let's blame the victim? Poop, you are one fucked up lady.

-Ha! Of course it comes out during the conversation that if Eddie hadn't reacted like a dog whose favorite humping pillow had been taken away, James wouldn't have cared as much. But he did, and James was all "SCORE!" and now he wants to prove he's better than the Cullens. So it's all your fault, Eddie you asshole.

-Bella asks how you kill a vampire:

"He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."

HAHAHHAAHAHAHA. OK first, I'm furiously taking notes. Second, what a dumbass way to bypass all the easy ways you can kill REAL vampires. No sunlight, no stakes, no silver bullets. Third, so only a vampire can kill another vampire? Lame. Fourth, Poop is surprisingly violent for all her pretensions of purity and niceness.

-I don't get why they can't just lure James into the house and kill him. They'll have to do that ANYWAY and it's like ten of them against one of him. Two if you count his slutty girlfriend. But these people are idiots and don't even consider that. I mean, maybe their reasoning is that they don't want to keep Bella trapped in a house all the time, but think about it: this chick has no friends, barely eats, has no life, doesn't care about her dad AND she wants to spend all her time with Eddie. She would LOVE being sequestered with him. But nooooo let's go forward with the dumbass plot.

Again: I love the internet.

-So Frenchiepire is there for some reason and tells them that James won't give up trying to hunt Bella.

-"Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?" Edward's enraged roar filled the room; Laurent cringed back."

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Go Laurent. Also, let's bring this back for hilarity:

Oh, Eddie, you're so fearsome!

-Anyway. So they're gonna try to lead him on the wrong trail by getting Rosalie to wear Bella's clothes. They'll go in one direction while Bella and JasperAlice go in the other towards Phoenix. Also...just....You know, once James finds out that she's gone in another direction, won't his first idea be that she went towards Phoenix, where she SAID she would go? THIS PLAN JUST GETS DUMBER AND DUMBER.

-Speaking of dumber and dumber, Bella and Eddie say goodbye. Though they'll be apart for two days at most. But everything's dramatic with these halfwits.

"For the shortest second, his lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over. He set me down, still holding my face, his glorious eyes burning into mine."

Phew! I was starting to worry that Poop had reached the end of the thesaurus entry for "Pretty", but it seems that she'll just start reusing words. Huzzah!

-Jasper tells bella she's worth it. Special Snowflake points! Let us barf.

-OH COME ON. The Cullens seem to have STEEL PANELS to protect their house with. Like they slide over the windows and shit. Wait, how long have these people been living there? When did they have time for this?

Grr. So they could just keep her in there forever. But no, we need some half-assed plot from the Happy Shitty Plot Hat to keep Sparklutz apart and make them all angsty. ARGH.


Final Impression: The level of dumbassery covering this entire plot won't let me get through at anything else. Like the completely unnecessary breaking of Charlie's heart and the stupid plans and pretending like everyone's in danger. Poop fails at everything.

Final Grade: F

Final "Pretty" Count: 40

You know, I was gonna do another chapter, since this one was so short. But I hated writing this so much that I can't take any more. Need to cleanse my brain with something smarter. Like Jersey Shore.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Project Runway: Season 8, Episode 3

Episode 3! there was a party store! and glitter and sequins and way too many garlands! There was some really ugly shit and some cute little outfits, and Betsy Johnson was as insane/high as ever! Gretchen is more annoying than I ever thought possible, and Tim Gunn is dream BFF!

Here. We. Go.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 18

Be warned: this is where the "plot" starts. Just writing that makes me scoff and feel like a liar, because...well fuck it, it's not a plot but shit (stupid shit) sort of happens. So the chapters are blissfully short, but no less stupid, which is a marvel in itself. They're just as bad, but we get fewer longing stares, which is something. So, same old, basically. I'm rambling. Let's get to it.

Chapter 18: The Hunt
[AKA: the hunt for something to redeem this book is once again a miserable failure]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
The Pretty Clan and Klutz have their boring-ass baseball game interrupted by three new vampires, one chick and two dudes. They're blood-drinkers, so they're the closest thing to real vampires this book has. Then one of them smells Bella and freaks out by her dookie smell, saying he wants to eat her. Eddie gets all territorial and the other three go away, and then they all freak out because the one dude is probably gonna do everything to hunt down Bella. I say just let him have her, but no...They start driving Bella away to wherever but then decide to come up with some retarded plan to throw James off the scent. It's stupid, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

Real-Time Notes:

-If vampires can smell Bella from miles away why don't you just cover her in mud or garlic or bear shit? You're in the WOODS. THINK, PEOPLE, THINK!

The thought of Bella covered in bear shit fills me with glee.

-Three vampires come into the clearing, two dudes and one chick. They move like hunters and are dressed in frayed clothes and are barefoot. I love how the most menacing thing Poop can think of is hippies.
OK, fine, that's pretty terrifying. You win this one, Poop.

- Their eyes are red. Their leader, Laurent, is all hot and whatever and talks with a french accent, which means he's probably evil and maybe gay. Everyone knows the Gay French are the evilest. The woman's name is Victoria and she has slutty red hair. James is boring but seems alert. He claims they just want to play baseball.

I love it. The three biggest threats to Poop seem to be The Gay French, Slutty Women and Plain Looking Dudes. AWESOME.

-"Of course." Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed. A shiver ran up my spine."

Semi-real vampires for once, hurrah! Of course the Cullens treat them like hillbillies who eat roadkill, because the Cullens are snobs and wouldn't let these people into their Country Club of the Gorgeous.

Oh how unspeakably plebeian! Please to take your stench elsewhere, you thing!

I don't even know.

- You guys, something is HAPPENING. I don't know how to deal with this! I mean, it's pretty lame and whatever and there's still Sparklepires, but at least it's not Sparklutz looking at each other, you know?

- Suddenly James smells Bella's dookie smell and everyone freaks out. Seriously, guys. A nice bear shit mask would've saved you so many problems.

-"You brought a snack?" he asked, his expression incredulous as he took an involuntary step forward. Edward snarled even more ferociously, harshly, his lip curling high above his glistening, bared teeth."

RAWR. I PEED ON HER FIRST. WOMAN MINE. RAWR! RAWR! Also, glistening teeth? That's disgusting.

Oh, Edward, you're so manly!

-The hippies leave and everyone freaks the fuck out. Edward drags Bella away, stuffs her in the car and starts driving away...not towards her house. Lovely! And they refuse to tell her what's up because that will help the girl calm down! Everyone in this family is an asshole.

-"You don't understand," he roared in frustration. I'd never heard his voice so loud; it was deafening in the confines of the Jeep. The speedometer neared one hundred and fifteen."

Oh yeah this guy's a fucking PRIZE. We get this vague idea (another failure of first-person narration) that Eddie read in James' mind just how bad he wants to eat Bella or whatever, but the fact that they don't SAY THIS TO BELLA is really fucking stupid and not helpful at all. So she's freaking out in the car and no one is telling her anything, specially her boyfriend, who is just screaming at her and generally being a dick. I hate that sparkly fuck.

-So after forever they tell her that James wants to hunt her down (for no reason at all other than Mary Sue must be in constant danger), and Bella freaks out because he'll probably try to get to Charlie, though if he wants Bella then who cares? And heh, way to care about your dad NOW, Selfish McStupidson.

-"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him." Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."

Ha I knew I liked Emmett. So why don't they just DO THAT? There's like 7 of these sparkly bastards against one of him, and their best idea is to drive Bella really far away, even though they KNOW that vampires are super fast and can stay on a scent forever? Gah it's like the prettier you are the dumber you get.

Secretly a genius, in Poop's Universe.

-WHOA. STOP THE PRESSES. Bella actually has an IDEA. *GASP SHOCK AWE*! Everyone is as shocked as I am, which is pretty hilarious. Her idea is to pretend to go to Phoenix so James will follow them and then they can hide Bella.

(Also my new favorite photo in the world. I love the internet.)

-"You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

Edward you are SUCH an asshole.

-"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," he said between clenched teeth."

JUST THIS ONCE? When the hell have you ever let this girl do ANYTHING her way? Fuck off, Sparkles, you controlling twat. Yet another failure on Poop's part--we're supposed to believe that Eddie is justifiably frustrated by the way that Bella disobeys him or whatever the hell, but all we know is that Bella is stupid and never does anything out of her own resolve. So it's just another instance of Poop telling us that a character is whatever without actually showing us any proof that the character is this way. You know? It's just terrible fucking writing all around.

-There's a lot of yelling and planning and it all seems really stupid when they could just wait for this dude at Bella's house and kill him. What the hell does it matter? At least in True Blood they have a vampire hierarchy that keeps you from killing another vampire. In this case there are NO CONSEQUENCES to killing the dude that's after your girlfriend. Just kill him!

-Um, so the stupid plan seems to be that Bella will pretend to be going to Phoenix all angry at her dad or whatever, and because James will be listening he'll know they know and won't believe she's going. And Rosie and Esme will lay a fake scent trail for James to follow. Bella WILL go to Phoenix, with Jasper and Alice. And then Eddie will meet them there.

This is the dumbest plan in the history of plans. I've seen smarter plots in cartoons meant for infants.

That one episode where they waved at the sun?
That had a better plot than this shit.

Also the idea of the vampires taking a flight leads me into another tangent. Do these people have IDs or something? and how do they justify getting new ones every 40 years or whatever? Is one of them just an expert at faking documents or something? What happens when they go through security or a body scan? Hmmm?

Oh fuck, who cares. Poop clearly didn't think about anything, why should I?

-"What are you going to do in Phoenix?" he asked her scathingly. "Stay indoors."

Oh, because people will be sooooooo freaked out about people wearing body glitter in PHOENIX. OK I don't know anything about Phoenix, but come on. What the hell are the consequences of someone seeing that they glitter, for crying out loud. We've been through this. People won't give a shit.

If THIS guy could become not only accepted but well loved,
what the fuck do you have to worry about?

- "Bella." Edward's voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. "If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"

Yeah, THAT will calm her down. Could this guy BE more of a douchebag? Blargh.

-Chapter ends! huzzah, that was short and now Sparklutz is separated YAY!


Final Impression: Poop fails at plotting, obviously. I hate that the only problems Bella faces are from other vampires and not Edward, so she'll never learn anything (because he's different!). Every character in this book is a dumbass.

Final Grade: D, because at least the vampire trio was amusing, and because someone wants to kill Bella, an idea I fully support.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Quickie: Godtopus Eats

Just a quickie to pimp out the other blog I'm contributing to, Godtopus Eats. You have to check it out if you haven't yet; there's some incredible recipes in there, some from yours truly.

I made this last night and haven't been able to stop eating it since then, it's that good. You can click on my name at the top to see my other contributions. It's fairly new so expect a lot more deliciousness to come. I've made a few things that other people have posted and haven't been disappointed. They're mostly really easy to make and just delicious.

So be sure to check it out! And expect another episode of The Pain pretty soon. Maybe today if I can stop being lazy.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Project Runway Recap: Season 8, Episode 2

A new season of Project Runway started a couple of weeks ago. It's always been one of my favorite shows--the combination of reality show drama/personalities mixed with watching the (admittedly skewed) process of creating fashion is a winning combination for me. Plus, there's Tim Gunn, who is hands-down the coolest person on television. Anyway, this is one of the few shows that I love reading the recaps for. There's a lot of details you can miss pretty easily, and a lot of people do wonders with the snark. But I've always felt that the recaps are either too long or too short; too detailed or not detailed enough. So I figured, why the hell not write my own? I realized that I have a lot of pent-up snark and love for this show and no one's really gonna give me what I want in a recap. And I need a break from writing horrendous Twilight recaps.

I'm still trying to figure out how I'll write the recaps. I figure anyone who reads this will have already watched the show, so a blow-by-blow probably won't be a lot of fun. So I'll try to mix a recap of what happened with a lot of commentary, because heaven knows that this particular group of people is already driving me insane. And we're on episode 2. So, just keep in mind that I've never tried a TV show recap, so give me some slack. Comments will be greatly appreciated, of course.


Alright, so I'm starting this on Episode 2 because, well, I just decided to start this and Lifetime doesn't have that episode available anymore. Here's where we're at: There were 17 people and they had 5 hours to make an outfit using a garment another contestant had given them. There was a lot of really ugly shit, a lot of boring stuff, and nothing really spectacular, though what can you expect when you give people 5 hours to make something? Anyway, the judges teased us by pretending that one or more people might leave (this will be relevant later) but in the end they just kicked out McKell, a hippie lady who made what I thought was a fairly harmless shiny dress. There were at least three people who made more hideous things but they were given a second chance for some reason. Then the contestants got to move into their fancy apartments and that's where we're at now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 17

YOU GUYS. I am *this* close to finishing The Pain: Book 1. I only have The Epilogue to go. Oh yeah, there's an Epilogue. I have no doubt that it will be condensed pain. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know (in case you were wondering) that no, none of this crap ever goes anywhere. There's some DANGER BELLA ROBINSON DANGER towards the end but it amounts to nothing because Stephanie Meyer is a terrible fucking writer with no idea how to write tension or, well, anything remotely intelligent. But the pain is almost over!

Still haven't decided on doing New Moon yet, but I figure it can't get worse than this, right? ....Right?

Let's get to the Chinese Water Torture.

[AKA: Vampire baseball! even stupider than REAL baseball!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 36

Quick n Hard Summary:
Billy Black and Jacob go visit Bella for some reason. Well, mostly to warn her about what a bad influence Eddie is. If you think she listens you haven't been paying attention. Charlie comes home and they talk about Eddie. Finally Eddie picks her up to go to the mountains. They make out, it's horrible, they get to the mountain. They play vampire baseball but are quickly interrupted by the three new vampires Alice predicted earlier, who are coming towards the field. It may seem like we actually get a plot, but let's not kid ourselves: this woman wouldn't know a plot if it came up and bit her in the face.

Real-Time Notes:
-Sparklutz return from Chez Cullen, and Billy Black and Jacob are there for a visit. Apparently Billy came out warn Charlie about Eddie. GOOD ON BILLY.

-Eddie is all horrible about the werewolves-- who, let's remember, are Native Americans. I mean we don't know they're werewolves yet, but we all know they are. Point is, he is a RACIST BASTARD. OK, fine, probably not. But it's funny and it's late and I have to find whatever humor I can in this.

Billy and, um, Jacob, were not amused. Daddy Billy is about to bitchslap the shit out of Eddie Pan.

-So Eddie takes off. Blah blah, Billy warns Bella about being with Eddie, Bella is a sulky teen and doesn't listen. Which, I can't really blame her in part (teens are stupid), but with this being Creepo McSparkleson, I'm with Billy here. Billy leaves.

-"Now that I was removed from Jasper's and Edward's influence, I began to make up for not being terrified before."

Must be nice to have your feelings fucked around with. I wish Jasper were here so he could calm my rage over this. NO, NO I DON'T. GO AWAY YOU CREEP. GO BACK TO YOUR CREEP FAMILY YOU SPARKLY EQUIVALENT OF A VALIUM.

Fig 1: Jasper Cullen

-"Jessica, Mike, the dance, the school — they all seemed strangely irrelevant at the

Everything else is irrelevant to you, Bella. You're the most selfish chick on the planet. You have no personality and no ambitions and you've attached yourself like a leech to another, sparkly, leech and you will never ever let go. Why people give a shit about you is beyond me.

-I think Jessica calls her up at some point to talk about the dance, but I don't remember. All I wrote was : WHY IS JESSICA TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS BITCH. I mean jeebus, I know she's a Mary Sue and pretends to be an outcast and whatever, but it's really baffling to me why people want to keep being her friend. Most teens wouldn't give someone this sullen and uncommunicative and stuck up a second thought. Clearly, Poop knows nothing about teenagers.

-Bella tries to tell her dad about Eddie, and Charlie's reaction is great. He keeps calling him EDWIN which cracks me up because it's just as likely a name for that twit.

37, 38
"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…"

YEAH, TELL HIM THAT. Maybe he can stick you in a mental hospital for being such a complete lunatic.

"I hadn't realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats."

OH COME ON. That is the worst fucking metaphor I have ever heard in my life. A RAINCOAT AD?! THAT IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH ?! THAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS, POOP! you mean he looks like...THIS:



Holy jeebus on a cracker. I could cry right now from the ludicrosity. Here's some other terrible fucking metaphors you could use, Poop:

Edward stood there in the rain...

...Looking like a mannequin at a store where they sell jeans, you know the really hot ones? Yeah like that! and they're all pale and stuff and omg so gorgeous. And the store plays really awesome house music and there's awesome posters of awesome guys and it's awesome at the mall. That's what he looked like, yeah.

...Looking like one of those little naked cupid statues they have in old English gardens and stuff where they have pretty flowers like freesia that would smell just like ME except Edward is like an older version of that? And maybe not naked.

...Looking like the design on a really sexy bottle of Axe Spray.

...Looking like a really great fillet mignon left out in the rain for too long except it was covered in foil so it was shiny.

...Looking like a dragon in a really sexy girl-dragon-meets-boy-dragon-story. With sparkly scales.

Etc. I was actually gonna google 'sexy dragon' for a photo for you guys, but then I remembered that this is the internet and rule 34 and whatever and I'm not risking that.

-Anyway. Charlie meets Eddie and it's really boring, probably just to contrast how much cooler and better the Cullens are than poor old Daddy Swan. They take off in Eddie's new car.

-He has some huge jeep with him. It's Emmet's of course, because in Meyer's world your car reflects you! I love that Eddie=Volvo. Everyone knows that Volvos are the cars of sparkly marble gods everywhere.

Oh, yeah, a Volvo just screams "virgin sex god".

-Bella, "adorably", is an ass with the seat belt so he gets to feel her up as he clips it for her and she HYPERVENTILATES because HAVE SEX ALREADY OR YOU WILL EXPLODE.

-They get to the mountain and once again Bella has to be piggy-backed up the trail. They make out some more.

-Instead of keeping safely motionless, my arms reached up to twine tightly around his neck, and I was suddenly welded to his stone figure.

Shocked Granny is SHOCKED at your pornyness.

-Seriously, that was just wrong in so many ways.

-Finally they get to this big open field on top of a mountain. They do it up there during storms because apparently their hits are so hard they break the sonic barrier or some shit. The Cullens are all there, and they have bases all set far apart---listen, I'm not gonna describe the goddamn vampire baseball game. I skipped most of it. The basic gist is they're all really fast, really strong, really graceful and really pretty.

-Klutzy McHornyson stands apart with Esme, the "mom".

-"Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"

There is no one in this family who isn't a creep. Who says that to a 16 year old?! It makes perfect sense that they all came together. "Hey yeah I like them! Did I tell you how I lost my left toe to a deadly fungus in the 12th century? TRUE STORY!"

-I don't get why they play baseball. It's so completely random. It's like some piss-poor attempt at creating Quidditch-- HA! I Just realized I'm right. She's trying (and, needless to say, failing miserably) to be JK Rowling, but she doesn't have a smidge of the talent. I are a genioos.

- Needle scratch! Everyone freaks out because they feel three vampire strangers approaching. REAL vampires, not hippies like these guys.

-Poop tries (and fails, again) to be all tense. Doesn't work. Point is, there's three other vampires coming their way, who want to 'play' but, of course they will immediately want Bella because of how she smells like raw steaks and teriyaki or whatever.

Mmmm, raw steak smell.

-"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

GEEZ, BELLA, TAKE A BATH. I know you're all obsessed with your sparkly boyfriend but let's not forget basic hygiene!

-Rosie's all pissed. I like that she's the only one in this universe who doesn't seem to like Bella because she gets how much of annoyance she is. ROSALIE, BE MY BEST FRIEND. But remember she only hates Bella cos' she's JEALOUS. That's the only reason girls hate other girls!

-And so, something like a plot finally starts to happen. On chapter 17. Brilliant fucking job, you hack.

Final Impression: Vampires playing baseball is dumber than regular people playing baseball. Plot points in the forms of three visiting vampires are not gonna be the only real threat Bella has faced in this book, not counting Eddie's creepiness.

Final Grade: D. We weren't focusing on Bella and Eddie alone, but the rest of it was just stupid.

Final "Pretty" Count: 39

Only six more chapters to go!


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 16

It's been a fun few days at Chez Fig. Yesterday MrFig had to deliver a package (he's a courier) to this dinky town just past the Texas/Arkansas border and I went along with him because, well, it's not like I have anything better to do. It was about a 3 hour drive there, and we had fun listening to the radio, watching the countryside (and some of it was quite pretty, so shut it) , having silly conversations and trying not to die from the heat. We got to the town, delivered the package to a very smelly paper mill and drove back. Doesn't sound that exciting, but the truth is that I love driving around and getting to know the US a little better, even if this was just a really tiny chunk of it. After we got back to Dallas we drove around delivering some more packages around Dallas. The temperature reached 112 at one point, which now makes Dallas the hottest place I have ever been in (that I remember. My mom claims Rio de Janeiro got this hot sometimes but because I was 3 at the time I don't remember it). Every time we opened the windows it felt know when you open a really hot oven and this woosh of hot air blows in your face and you feel like your eyeballs are melting? that's what this felt like. In short: it was hot. We must've drunk at least three gallons of water, not counting the cherry Slurpee we had near the end of the day. Mmmm, Slurpees.

So that was yesterday. It was fun. In other Exciting Events, I've applied to a few jobs to see if I can make some money before going for the Teacher's Certificate. I've frankly had enough of being a layabout and really need to start doing something. They're nothing fancy--some retail places and a couple of secretary jobs, but they're nearby and don't seem like they'd be that difficult to do. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

And lastly, before we get to the good stuff: Maybe you've noticed that I added a couple of ads to the site. I figure it can't really hurt (the ads really are tiny and unobtrusive) and the 10 cents I might get at the day of the month will help. Ka-ching! But really, I'm getting almost 200 views a day, which isn't bad, and hopefully it'll grow as we go on. Tell your friends! We have snark and semi-nude men! It's the best place ON THE INTERNET. Yay!

Also, I'm sorry that, because I talk so much about The Pain, the ad program has deemed it fit to post ads about Twilight conventions and other horrors. Please forgive me.

Alright! let's get back to what we all came here to see: Pain and misery inflicted upon yours truly. Huzzah!


[AKA: Daddy Cullen is a Creep as Well. Creep Runs in the Family]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 35

Quick n Hard Summary:
Sparklutz is still at the Cullen residence, and this time we get to find out more about Carlisle (or Daddy Carlie as I shall now call him). Turns out he's never tasted human because he didn't want to be a monster, etc. We get some more back story on Eddie, who is still the lamest of the lame. Then we see his room, and he doesn't have a bed. So they make out on the floor and Alice finds them. It's not awkward at ALL! And then they decide to go play baseball. Wait...what? Yeah.

Real Time Notes:

-Car-lisssssssssssssss-le. That's how I read his name every time. I know it's wrong, but whatever. Easier to say Carlie.

-They go into Carlie's office and it's nice, of course. There's one wall full of photos and paintings. There's a one of London in the 1650s, which is where Carlie comes from. Damn, he must be bored out of his mind, musn't he? I mean, considering that he's forced to live in the most boring town int he USA.

- We get Carlie's story, which is ACTUALLY INTERESTING so let me pick my jaw up off the floor. Carlie tried to kill himself a lot because he was a monster omgz. But then he ate a deer and was OK. Isn't it part of the vampire thing that a deer just isn't as satisfying as human? Whatever. I give up on trying to list everything that makes Poop's vampires not vampires at all.

The Count says: "I'm a goddamn Muppet and I'm still more of
a real vampire
than you will ever be, you Sparkly Fuck."

-He lifted his hand, moving it to rest against my neck. The speed of my heart reacted to that, but I persisted.

...the speed of your heart? The fuck does that even mean? Also, let's never forget how horny Bella is. All of the time.

-We learn that these "vampires" don't really breathe. Yay, more weirdness that Bella will be totally OK with because PRETTY AND HE MAKES ME HOT! hahaha so Eddie gets all long faced that Bella for once is mildly disturbed by him. I like to imagine his heart crushed at the possibility that she might have a brain inside her. Don't worry Eddie, it won't last! You can still be in love with a mindless shell of a human being who smells like Air Freshener!

Hint: Bella's the one that fell over.

-Also, how the hell is it that they can't breathe, but they're always sniffing around Bella, and Edward can smell her, and ABSORB her smell or whatever the hell? It makes no sense at all.Make up what little mind you have, Poop! keep your story straight! fucking bimbo.

- Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…"

That is very weird, and (shockingly) sort of cool. Though I'm sure it's not the first time someone's come up with a vampire who is also a doctor (Dr Akula!). As far as I know, Carlie's never even TASTED human, which just makes me wonder if he's really the ideal person to be telling other vampires to stay vegetarian, you know? Kinda like priests trying to lecture people on fighting the urge to have sex....but I digress.

- Carlie lived with some fancy vampires in Italy for a while. They get names but it doesn't really matter because they're not in this book (I think they show up later, one of them might be Creepy Dakota Fanning in the movies). But he got tired and went to the Americas.

-I just think it's massively stupid that Meyer made these vampires hate themselves and what they are. They seem to be perfectly fine, with the minor inconvenience that they have to drink blood. They even SPARKLE. They would be welcome at any parade and/or circus! They can go out in the sun all the time, they are gorgeous, they can lead normal lives. There is nothing that makes them the monsters that they should be. So why the fuck are they so whiny about being vampires?

Edward could have a BRILLIANT career as a disco ball at raves!
Premise fail!

-OK this is weird: Carlie was really lonely, so he decided to make himself a "companion". And...the perfect candidate was a gorgeous 17 year old boy who was dying of The Pretty or something.

Tell me that is not weird. He could have turned ANYBODY. Not to mention the fact that Eddie had no choice in the matter at all, and that Carlie was turning him into a "monster" just like him for totally selfish reasons. Yep, I think we all know where Edward got his Creep.

-Eddie apparently went through a 'rebel' phase where he abandoned Carlie and went off on his own for a while. Then he came back to Carlie, but not before he had actually hunted down people.

And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. Would she have been grateful, that girl, or more frightened than before?

If she had half a brain, probably a bit of both. But if she was you? then she'd just love it.

-This all means that Eddie HAS killed people before. I (or any other sane person) would at least be concerned or weirded out. Bella? she just wants to see Eddie's room. Because she has a brain the size of a rabbit turd.

-Eeee! it's a boy's room! it's full of CDs and a fancy stereo and has no bed--OH NOES THE LUST WILL GO UNSATISFIED FOREVAH BECAUSE THERE IS NO BED TO CONSUMMATE OUR PRECIOUS LOVE ON!

- Ed's completely happy that his girlfriend appears to be a complete 'tard who isn't afraid of him. SCORE! Finally, after 100 years, I managed to find the dumbest person on the planet and made her mine! Yeah, you keep telling her it's because she's special and whatever, but we know the truth. I bet he CAN read her mind, he just pretends not to. Fucking sleazebag.

Oh, Bella, my love! I totally love you for your brains!

- I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled.


O_O. I have no idea what the fuck just happened.

-Alice and Jasper mercifully come in to break off the horrible moment.

-"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced. I stiffened for an instant, until I realized Edward was grinning — whether at her comment or my response, I couldn't tell."

Good Godtopus, how freaky is this entire family? HEY I HEARD YOU MAKING OUT WE WANTED TO COME IN AND SHARE. I do like Alice though, just because of how totally creepy she is. But in a good way, not like her sleazy creep of a brother.

- They decide to go play baseball because Alice hears a storm coming (it'll make sense later. Not much, but sort of). They invite Bella along. Oh good lord cover her in bubblewrap because this fucktard is bound to break an ankle or two just looking at the ball. Oooh! break her teeth! That'd be sweet. DO IT, EMMETT! DO IT!

But it's the only way you will be safe, Bella my darling!

[Side note: I found that photo while googling "wrapped in bubblewrap" and it's from this very bizarre website about weightloss and fat children or something? It was weird. I didn't investigate very long.]

-So, OK, they're gonna go play baseball up in the mountains. Again: most boring vampires of all time.


Final Impression: Feh. Nothing will redeem this book at this point, but this one wasn't nearly as painful, mostly because we got to learn about other characters. Poop still fails at writing and making ANY of her characters interesting and not creepy. Still, it didn't make me want to tear out my hair, so I guess that's a plus.

Final Grade: C- for the reasons stated above.

Final "Pretty" Count: 36