Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 19

We're nearly done, troops! let us plow through this shitty excuse for a last minute attempt at a plot.

Just a quick thought regarding the casting for the terrible movies. Kristen Stewart was a terrible choice for Bella Swan. Think what you want about Miss Permanent Bitchface, I just think she has too much personality for Klutz McBoxofrocks. Even if it's an obnoxious personality. Granted, Bella could have been played by a cardboard cutout with its face removed so that each fan could attach their picture to it, but still. Stewart doesn't play vapid too well. She just looks like she has to poop all the time.

Pattinson, on the other hand? Weirdly perfect for Eddie Sparkles. He's got that completely bland, generically handsome face with the good bone structure and creepy eyes that Edward needed. Of course, calling him a Perfect Marble God Whose Face Devastates Nations is a bit of a stretch, but dude's just pretty. And his soul-killing monotone is exactly what I imagine Edward sounds like. So mumbly.

Anyway, let's get to this thing.

[Yay! It's super short!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
When we last left Sparklutz, the Cullens are trying to concoct some plan to get Bella away from the EVIL HUNTER James. First they go to Bella's house where Bella pretends to be going home to Phoenix. She yells at Charlie, then leaves. It's incredibly stupid and needlessly elaborate. Then they go to the Cullen's lair to prepare for Phase 2: The Dumbening, and Frenchiepants (Laurent) is there to tell them that James will never give up. The end.

Real-Time Notes:
-So, the big plan seems to be that Bella goes home to Charlie and yells a lot about Edward being a meanie and how she's gonna leave because she hates everyone, etc. It's funny how it's sort of implied that Bella is such a bitch that no one will really be surprised that she did this.

-"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot."

Borne? OK that might be a typo. I don't care enough to check.

-blah blah, she yells, Charlie's freaked out, she's breaking his heart. The idea is that she's doing the same thing to Charlie that her mom did when she walked out on him. And that's kind of weird. Did Bella hear her mom when she left or did the mom tell Bella this after the fact? If she did, well I can see where Bella gets the bitchiness, because that's a terrible thing to tell your 16 year old daughter.

-OK so this whole thing was so badly written that I got confused about what was going on. They want James to overhear the yelling. But he'll know that the Cullens are just trying to throw him off, so he'll stick around and not believe the story? It's really stupid either way, because they're counting on James falling for their lame-ass trick, which amounts to putting a fake mustache on Bella and thinking it's a good disguise.


How these people survived for thousands of years is beyond me.

-Anyway, they get to the car, leaving heartbroken Charlie behind. But Bella obviously doesn't care so we forget about him pretty quick.

-"I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault." His voice was wry. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered."

One, what is it with this chick's smell? Second, yeah it'll ease her mind to keep getting blamed for someone WANTING TO EAT HER even though she did nothing. Yay let's blame the victim? Poop, you are one fucked up lady.

-Ha! Of course it comes out during the conversation that if Eddie hadn't reacted like a dog whose favorite humping pillow had been taken away, James wouldn't have cared as much. But he did, and James was all "SCORE!" and now he wants to prove he's better than the Cullens. So it's all your fault, Eddie you asshole.

-Bella asks how you kill a vampire:

"He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."

HAHAHHAAHAHAHA. OK first, I'm furiously taking notes. Second, what a dumbass way to bypass all the easy ways you can kill REAL vampires. No sunlight, no stakes, no silver bullets. Third, so only a vampire can kill another vampire? Lame. Fourth, Poop is surprisingly violent for all her pretensions of purity and niceness.

-I don't get why they can't just lure James into the house and kill him. They'll have to do that ANYWAY and it's like ten of them against one of him. Two if you count his slutty girlfriend. But these people are idiots and don't even consider that. I mean, maybe their reasoning is that they don't want to keep Bella trapped in a house all the time, but think about it: this chick has no friends, barely eats, has no life, doesn't care about her dad AND she wants to spend all her time with Eddie. She would LOVE being sequestered with him. But nooooo let's go forward with the dumbass plot.

Again: I love the internet.

-So Frenchiepire is there for some reason and tells them that James won't give up trying to hunt Bella.

-"Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?" Edward's enraged roar filled the room; Laurent cringed back."

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Go Laurent. Also, let's bring this back for hilarity:

Oh, Eddie, you're so fearsome!

-Anyway. So they're gonna try to lead him on the wrong trail by getting Rosalie to wear Bella's clothes. They'll go in one direction while Bella and JasperAlice go in the other towards Phoenix. Also...just....You know, once James finds out that she's gone in another direction, won't his first idea be that she went towards Phoenix, where she SAID she would go? THIS PLAN JUST GETS DUMBER AND DUMBER.

-Speaking of dumber and dumber, Bella and Eddie say goodbye. Though they'll be apart for two days at most. But everything's dramatic with these halfwits.

"For the shortest second, his lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over. He set me down, still holding my face, his glorious eyes burning into mine."

Phew! I was starting to worry that Poop had reached the end of the thesaurus entry for "Pretty", but it seems that she'll just start reusing words. Huzzah!

-Jasper tells bella she's worth it. Special Snowflake points! Let us barf.

-OH COME ON. The Cullens seem to have STEEL PANELS to protect their house with. Like they slide over the windows and shit. Wait, how long have these people been living there? When did they have time for this?

Grr. So they could just keep her in there forever. But no, we need some half-assed plot from the Happy Shitty Plot Hat to keep Sparklutz apart and make them all angsty. ARGH.


Final Impression: The level of dumbassery covering this entire plot won't let me get through at anything else. Like the completely unnecessary breaking of Charlie's heart and the stupid plans and pretending like everyone's in danger. Poop fails at everything.

Final Grade: F

Final "Pretty" Count: 40

You know, I was gonna do another chapter, since this one was so short. But I hated writing this so much that I can't take any more. Need to cleanse my brain with something smarter. Like Jersey Shore.

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