Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 20

Only four more to go, you addicts of Pain. I recommend you read my previous post, wherein I tell Stephanie Meyer what's what, and also announced that yeah, I'll be doing Breaking Dawn next. Curiosity killed the Fig, and what not. Let's get on with it.

CHAPTER 20: Impatience
[AKA: I've gone beyond impatience in waiting for something to happen in this book]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40 (come on, Poop, you're falling behind!)

Quick n' Hard Summary:
So they're taking Bella away to Phoenix in their fuckwitted brilliant plan to try and set James off of Bella's scent. They DRIVE there which seems unbelievably stupid to me. And then they...sit in the hotel room and wait. That is seriously ALL THEY DO. Welcome to the "plot" part of the book! KILL ME.

Real-Time Notes:

-They're driving really fast, sometimes past the speed limit. Apparently vampires create a cloaking device around their cars that allow them to be invisible to traffic cops everywhere. She didn't say that, I'm speculating on their magical abilities to evade law enforcement.

And let's not even get into the monstrous stupidity of DRIVING Bella to her mother's house (where any good hunter would KNOW she would go) instead of flying her to say, Timbuktu. Wouldn't an unpredictable location reached by plane (you know, so he couldn't follow her scent) be the most logical plan?

OH HAHAHAHA what am I saying? That would require some intelligence on the part of your characters- who, let's remember, are hundreds of years old but seem to have the brains of a discarded shoe on the side of the highway. Jeebus wept.

Smarter than all the Cullens combined

I'm honestly amazed at the level of stupidity of these characters. There's no excuse at ALL to go through all this trouble. It only seems to be about driving Sparklutz apart so they can mope about and he can come to her rescue at the last minute. Oh, did I just tell you the ending? SORRY. But hey, if you couldn't figure it out before, congratulations! you're as big a dumbass as the Cullens.

- They magically get to Phoenix in a day instead of three. She's tired and sad, wah wah wah cry me a fucking river.

-She wakes up in the middle of the night, in some hotel. She misses Eddie. SNORE. When's James gonna show up again to kill her? Ick, if there's anything worse than Sparklutz staring at each other it's Bella moping about Eddie not being there. AND THAT IS WHAT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT. GODDAMMIT.

-blahblah she's scared and thinks its her fault. Well, yeah, but it's more Eddie's fault for being all possessive like a dog with a toy.


"It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone."

Translation: "We're so happy he'll finally stop being a virgin! I mean, we really thought he was gay for a while, but then he was more asexual, like a sponge? Anyway, we're so glad he'll finally stop whining about finding his Juliet or whatever the fuck! Happy day!"

Like Edward Cullen. Only less shiny, less asexual, and less of a dumbass.

-We get more of Alice, Jasper and Bella waiting to hear from the others, and Bella worrying, and more waiting, and Bella worrying. Fuck it. This is painful.

- And then Poop kills the vampire mythology some MORE. Apparently her "vampires" are venomous, and a single bite is enough to send people into painful, prolonged agony. Which...just...good god. Why do you have to RUIN EVERYTHING, POOP. Just when I think I can't hate this woman more she completely outdoes herself. So, vampires just have to bite someone ONCE for them to turn into vampires as well? How fucking stupid is that? The whole idea is that it's a big huge deal to turn into a vampire, involving YOU drinking FROM THE VAMPIRE'S BLOOD. It's one of the reasons why being (or getting turned into) a vampire is a big fucking deal, and a horrible thing to do. Why change that? OH YEAH. Just so that Eddie will have some bullshit excuse to not turn Bella into a Sparklepire when she wants him to.

Conclusion: These are not (and have never been) real vampires. They're fucking immortal sparkly snakes. But way less awesome and more whiny little bitches.

-"But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death."

Well that's just fucking stupid. Also, WHY would Carlisle want Edward and Rosalie to go through that shit? Carlie's a fucking freak. What we're saying here is that, instead of letting them die in their own time, he put them through WORSE pain just because he was lonely. And now they hate themselves. Lovely.

-Blargh. So, Alice has a vision that James has changed his mind and will be in some dark room with mirrors.

-Eddie calls.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you." "Come and get it, then," I challenged."

Ah, I missed your romantic ways, Sparklutz. Puke.

- Alice draws the room she sees. "It looks like a place I used to go for dance lessons — when I was eight or nine."

Wait. Old Jelly Legs Swan took BALLET? HAAAAAAAA!

-So she gets worried about her mom and calls her. Nothing happens. Because--get this--her mom is OUT OF TOWN. But she still worries that James is gonna go after her. Which...what?

I think this calls for this image, because words cannot convey my frustration at this stupidity:


Holy Godtopus, you guys. We've reached Stupidity Threat Level: Midnight. I can't take it. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

Final Impression: Really? Do I really need to tell you? Just look at that photo again.

Final Grade: F to infinity.

Final "Pretty" Count: 40


squeeziee said...

Figgy, I realise your brain has been destroyed by repeatedly hammering it into your keyboard, but please know that it is for a good cause. That cause is making me snort with laughter in a public library - and really, that's the important thing here.

Anonymous said...

I almost want to read this book just to fully comprehend the agony you went through.


And to think. There is an entire generation of pre-teens and teenage girls who find Bella and Edward like so adorable and stuff.

And even grown women and/or almost grown women (people in their 20s). I find that even more appalling. You can make excuses for impressionable children but for supposed adults? This is why Jennifer Aniston films do so well.