CHAPTER 20: Impatience
[AKA: I've gone beyond impatience in waiting for something to happen in this book]
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40 (come on, Poop, you're falling behind!)
Quick n' Hard Summary:
So they're taking Bella away to Phoenix in their
-They're driving really fast, sometimes past the speed limit. Apparently vampires create a cloaking device around their cars that allow them to be invisible to traffic cops everywhere. She didn't say that, I'm speculating on their magical abilities to evade law enforcement.
And let's not even get into the monstrous stupidity of DRIVING Bella to her mother's house (where any good hunter would KNOW she would go) instead of flying her to say, Timbuktu. Wouldn't an unpredictable location reached by plane (you know, so he couldn't follow her scent) be the most logical plan?
OH HAHAHAHA what am I saying? That would require some intelligence on the part of your characters- who, let's remember, are hundreds of years old but seem to have the brains of a discarded shoe on the side of the highway. Jeebus wept.
I'm honestly amazed at the level of stupidity of these characters. There's no excuse at ALL to go through all this trouble. It only seems to be about driving Sparklutz apart so they can mope about and he can come to her rescue at the last minute. Oh, did I just tell you the ending? SORRY. But hey, if you couldn't figure it out before, congratulations! you're as big a dumbass as the Cullens.
- They magically get to Phoenix in a day instead of three. She's tired and sad, wah wah wah cry me a fucking river.
-She wakes up in the middle of the night, in some hotel. She misses Eddie. SNORE. When's James gonna show up again to kill her? Ick, if there's anything worse than Sparklutz staring at each other it's Bella moping about Eddie not being there. AND THAT IS WHAT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT. GODDAMMIT.
-blahblah she's scared and thinks its her fault. Well, yeah, but it's more Eddie's fault for being all possessive like a dog with a toy.
-Alice and Bella talk. GUESS WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT? EDDIE SPARKLES. GOOD JOB.
"It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone."
Translation: "We're so happy he'll finally stop being a virgin! I mean, we really thought he was gay for a while, but then he was more asexual, like a sponge? Anyway, we're so glad he'll finally stop whining about finding his Juliet or whatever the fuck! Happy day!"
-We get more of Alice, Jasper and Bella waiting to hear from the others, and Bella worrying, and more waiting, and Bella worrying. Fuck it. This is painful.
- And then Poop kills the vampire mythology some MORE. Apparently her "vampires" are venomous, and a single bite is enough to send people into painful, prolonged agony. Which...just...good god. Why do you have to RUIN EVERYTHING, POOP. Just when I think I can't hate this woman more she completely outdoes herself. So, vampires just have to bite someone ONCE for them to turn into vampires as well? How fucking stupid is that? The whole idea is that it's a big huge deal to turn into a vampire, involving YOU drinking FROM THE VAMPIRE'S BLOOD. It's one of the reasons why being (or getting turned into) a vampire is a big fucking deal, and a horrible thing to do. Why change that? OH YEAH. Just so that Eddie will have some bullshit excuse to not turn Bella into a Sparklepire when she wants him to.
Conclusion: These are not (and have never been) real vampires. They're fucking immortal sparkly snakes. But way less awesome and more whiny little bitches.
-"But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death."
Well that's just fucking stupid. Also, WHY would Carlisle want Edward and Rosalie to go through that shit? Carlie's a fucking freak. What we're saying here is that, instead of letting them die in their own time, he put them through WORSE pain just because he was lonely. And now they hate themselves. Lovely.
-Blargh. So, Alice has a vision that James has changed his mind and will be in some dark room with mirrors.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you." "Come and get it, then," I challenged."
Ah, I missed your romantic ways, Sparklutz. Puke.
- Alice draws the room she sees. "It looks like a place I used to go for dance lessons — when I was eight or nine."
Wait. Old Jelly Legs Swan took BALLET? HAAAAAAAA!
-So she gets worried about her mom and calls her. Nothing happens. Because--get this--her mom is OUT OF TOWN. But she still worries that James is gonna go after her. Which...what?
I think this calls for this image, because words cannot convey my frustration at this stupidity:
Holy Godtopus, you guys. We've reached Stupidity Threat Level: Midnight. I can't take it. I CAN'T TAKE IT.
Final Impression: Really? Do I really need to tell you? Just look at that photo again.
Final Grade: F to infinity.
Final "Pretty" Count: 40