Episode 3! there was a party store! and glitter and sequins and way too many garlands! There was some really ugly shit and some cute little outfits, and Betsy Johnson was as insane/high as ever! Gretchen is more annoying than I ever thought possible, and Tim Gunn is dream BFF!
Here. We. Go.
Previously: Gretchen won with a hideously unoriginal jumpsuit. Jason got kicked out for not sewing a damned thing and being an idiot, then the judges kicked out Nicholas for no reason at all. Marie Claire is a shitty magazine.
-The editors are having a blast this season. They have this hilarious montage of scenes where it's basically Gretchen interviewing how everyone loves her and everyone, well, hating her. This happens:
Gretchen: This group is very sweet and loving--
Michael D: I hate that bitch, Gretchen.
It killed me.
-Like everyone, I hate Gretchen. One might be led to think that they're somewhat jealous of her, but given her self-importance and hoity-toity attitude that she's done nothing to deserve, it's a lot more than jealousy for her having won two challenges. She claims that everyone knew she would win before she did. Bitch, you did the safest, most boring thing out there. Stop congratulating yourself so much and shut the fuck up. Grr I hate her. No one was fucking rooting for you.
I mean, I'm perfectly aware that the editors love to pick out someone to hate and arrange scenes and interviews to make us dislike someone, but when everything that comes out of Gretchen's mouth is bitchy and horrible, it's like she's doing the editors' job for them, you know? Some of it is forced, but most of it is horribly real.
-Model Segment that no one cares about because, fuck it, no one cares about the models:
Gah, Heidi's wearing disgusting cameo and it makes her look 50 years old. Don't dress in Peach's clothes, Heidi! Two models go home. That was boring and pointless. I just feel sad that that one girl got stuck with Bowler Hat the Douchebag.
-Tim is waiting for them outside a party store. Get it? cos Heidi said he was gonna throw them a party?! HAR HAAAAAR HAAAAAAAAAAAR! Oh go screw yourself, show.
-So the challenge is to create a look using materials from the party store, which seems pretty easy for the "Unconventional Challenge" we get every year (as opposed to, say, a freakin' hardware store like last season- AAAAAH I just had a flashback to Emilio's washer hooker dress and damn that thing was scary hideous). But yeah, there's all this paper and plastic crap, should be relatively easy. They're told to not use things that could be fabric, like tablecloths and stuff
-I'd use streamers and garlands and cover my model in glitter and luaus and a witch's hat. I'd so win.
-GAH! They show AJ at his audition and he had this tutu with like shit glued all over it. The dead parrot from Dumb and Dumber, and like some bubblegum and buttons and a dead doll and omg so horrible. He should excell at this. I swear that thing was worse than Rachel's Lady Gaga dress on Glee.
-HA! Gretchen is a Robot Boring BigHead who says nothing in there corresponds to her boringass designs. Because you just use black and navy and designs that other people have done a million times before? RIGHT.
-OMG I'd make a skirt out of hats. An ode to the vuvuzela. And the model could like, blow into them with a hose? and it'd be GLORIOUS. Call me, Betsy Johnson!
-Peach terrifies me when she pulls out some Pepto Bismol pink tissue paper and BAGS COVERED IN ZEBRA STRIPES. She is SUCH an old lady sometimes.
-Gretchen talks really slow and really boring and just god this woman is so BLAND and you know she's the kind that folds her socks and labels her underwear by days of the week. Seriously, I dislike her so much that it's making me question myself.
-HA! They play psycho music as Assanova destroys some stuffed animals, and it is truly horrifying. There's stuffed guts EVERYWHERE and oh the carnage! And holy crap, he uses the skin of one as some kind of HOOD over his dress form and I DIE from laughing so hard at this psycho. Oh lord keep him around for a very long time. Dude makes Vincent look tame.
-I'm glad that at least a lot of these people seem to be having fun with colors and shapes. I feel there's been one too many seasons where it's just been blacks and purples and blahness. There are some WEIRD people this season and I love it.
-This show is so much longer this season. So there's a lot of filler crap, like they show the designers EATING which I don't think they've ever done before and is kind of unsettling to me for some reason. AJ talks too much.
-Michael C is like me and I immediately feel like we're twin souls. He says in an interview "AJ. Please. Stop. Talking." and I love him a little bit more. AJ doesn't stop talking.
-Valerie's making something black and white with napkins and I hope she wins this one. I like what's she done so far. And Gretchen fucking ruins it by saying "Valerie's gonna be at the top...with me..." Blargh.
-This is going so slow. Andy weaves some plastic thingies. Michael D has silver garlands and it cracks me up. They show Gretchen butting in to everyone's business like she has any right to just because she won. Good God shut the hell up. They all give her stink-eye.
TIM ADVICE SEGMENT!
-Thank God. That was way too much filler. Tim even said in his video blog (do you guys watch those? they're absolutely brilliant because of how honest Tim is about the show and how cracked out the judges are. He doesn't think Gretchen is all that and I love him for it).
-Michael C continues to be my favorite by calling out AJ's bullshit about how they shouldn't expect him (AJ) to rock this challenge, because MC says that's all he fucking talks about. You know, the gluing-shit-to-a-dress stuff.
-Gretchen bitches some MORE. And just, fuck, she's so irritating. You won two challenges, bitch. There's still 20 more coming and you haven't won the fucking show yet. Shut the FUCK up.
-Then this BRILLIANT thing happens where Tim is looking at Kristin's stuff and she picked up some bizarre little fuzzy ball things and apparently they're called "ANIMAL WOOLLY BALLS" and that sends Tim into a GIGGLE FIT that just kills me because it almost makes him cry. It's just beautiful. They all giggle like 12 year olds and then Tim says "I prefer the Woolly Balls" and OH I AM SURE TIM. I love him so much.
-Ivy works with Mylar Balloons. (My-lar BALLONS! MY-LAR BALLOONS!)
-Oh jeebus. Oh jeebus. Peach has a skirt made with the zebra print bags and she calls it 'subtle' and I'm like 'see ya, Peach' because OUCH. Tim says she has a piece of coal up her rear end and I'm like "TIM! HOW CRUDE!"
-Snerk. Peach and April give each other a 'bitch, please' when Tim congratulates Gretchen on her win. Ugh, she's so the teacher's pet, I feel. She's like Tracy Flick but WORSE.
-I thought Sarah would be fun, but she's really just kind of blah and sad and directionless.
-The models come in with some gift bags and tell the designers that they have to create an accessory with the materials in the bags. It seems kind of shitty considering that the colors might not match at all, and how overworked they already are.
-Hee. Mondo has a fake mustache. I like it. He's delightfully weird.
-April, Peach and Kristin talk about Gretchen and how they'd freak if she wins. You and me both, people. I just couldn't watch the rest of the season, I think. Gretchen says she might be in top 3 and grr. GRR. She's probably right because the judges are on CRACK. Hey, Tim Gunn said it first.
-AJ says that if something completely conservative wins this time, he doesn't see the point of him being there, and I totally agree. What's the point of trying to outdo yourself if you could just get away with making a little black dress or a black jumpsuit? None.
-Everyone hates Gretchen. Even the editors! While the designers talk about her, they show a little crown with 'BITCH' on it (that I think is on AJ's dress) and hee. These editors are so bitchy, I love it.
-Peach and April, who are done with their garments, offer to help out Andy finish his, and that seems really nice. Gretchen looks on with total bitch face and SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRETCHEN, YOU HAG. Andy has VISION, unlike you with your fucking boring shit that anyone could do. So if he needs a little help finishing something awesome and visionary, who the fuck are you to say anything about it? I HATE HER. How many times have I written that today? Too many. And you can see that, like evil Tracy Flick or something, she's trying very hard to not say something about it. I almost wish she would, so that someone would call her out on her boring ass designs and bitchy attitude.
-At last! This show is so long.
-Heeeee! the guest judge is Betsy Johnson and I LOVE HER. I mean, who doesn't love her special brand of batshit insane? She has super huge crazy spiky hair that was probably styled with spit and glitter glue, and tons of make up and she looks deranged. I love her, even though her stores scare me. Have you seen them? They're so BRIGHT and scary.
-Sarah's only 27? BULLSHIT. She looks at LEAST 40. Dang. Sorry. I think it's the hair or something. Or how she looks like Seth Aaron's twin sister.
Here we go!
1) Christopher made a cute little flarey dress with napkins and some streaks of color. It's cute and wearable, not too crazy. Has a really nice shiny undertone that makes it look like real, expensive. A little safe, but I love the texture of it. Just adorable. He made a cute little ring from teal ribbon as his accessory.
2) Oh, Holy Santino. Michael D made this...this THING from stiff plastic and it looks like a Polly Pocket plastic dress. Or an upside-down funnel, it's so stiff. The top is basically shiny silver garland and it's just oh so fug. The bottom looks like corrugated metal and it's dirty and hideous.
3) Andy's dress is AWESOME. So he braided like a million yards of this shiny black material and put it together SOMEHOW and it's super intricate and detailed. On the side is a big black circle of the stuff and it's SO well made and incredible. I'd love a close-up look. He also made a glove as his accessory and it's perfect. I LOVE IT. It really looks like an expensive dress that some crazy singer would wear. The model totally works it, and the little black glove he made with balloons. Holy shit that's cool. Fucking fabulous.
4) AJ's is... a pink top made with wrapping paper, and a puffy skirt and has a looooot of stuff on it. Frankly it looks like something Betsy Johnson would love. I think it's a mess with too much stuff (including a silver necklace that doesn't quite go with it) and she looks like deranged barbie. It's kind of weirdly cute and bizarre, like some kid just glued all this shit to his sister's ballet dress. It's a mess.
5) Ivy's was a good idea but just makes her model look fat. It's a bunch of folded milar ballons stitched together, and I can't believe she did all that in such a short time. It's a really gorgeous texture but it's a bit too long and makes the model look HUGE. I think it was just that the material was really heavy. The styling is so weird with a bunch of floppy hair over eye. With a few tweaks it would've been truly gorgeous, I think. A great improvement for her.
6) Michael Costello's is GORGEOUS and might be my favorite with Valerie's and Andy's. It's this super long, mermaid-tale dress made of this super-bright red like plates or something, and some paper thing making the fish-tail. It looks like an expensive evening gown and I LOVE it. It looks so awesome and fun and well made. Come on, judges. Love it!
7) Feh. Peach made a stiff little white top and that horrible poodle skirt with zebra stripes and pink paper. It's very derivative and like something a really young girl would wear, which seems to be something that Peach does a lot. it's weird and I think she should go home pretty soon. She just doesn't have it. Maybe she could design for Justice. ick. But her stuff looks like the kind of things you see on the windows at Justice at the mall. Kinda Infant Slut.
I applaud these judges for being able to keep total poker faces sometimes. I know I'd be cringing and laughing and probably throwing shit at the ugly designs. "GRETCHEN, WHY DON'T YOU SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. HERE ARE SOME MATCHES", I'd say.
I'll never be a judge.
8)GAH. Gretchen made a skirt out of garlands (BORING) and a grey top (BORING) and a jacket of some sort that is BORING and she gave the model these super long tan boots that are hideous. It looks like something Gretchen would wear, which is to say: boring and unoriginal and very 90s-cigarette-ad. I swear, if she wins for using GARLANDS I'm gonna pitch a fit. Fine, the jacket is cute, but blargh. The skirt is stupid. Do YOU want to go out looking like you're wearing pom-poms? NO.
9) Ooh Mondo's thing is pretty cute, if awfully pink. He made a top with pink plastic plates that sort of rib over each other, and a short skirt with I think lais of this bright pink color. It looks like a fun party outfit. There's basically no back to the top, which is really impressive. He used tights again. Mondo really does have impeccable sewing skills and he does great things with texture. I also love his model; she's absolutely gorgeous.
10) GAH, what the fuck IS that? Ursula from the Little Mermaid? NO! It's just Casanova's monstrosity of a dress! It's this long hideous black thing with ruffles down the side and the back and this shiny top? And he used the stuffed animals for...a freakin "fur" stole around her neck. You murdered puppies for THAT? Oh shit that thing's ugly. GO HOME. It's like he glued three things together and each one was hideous and they made one Hideous Monster that will eat the world. GAH.
11)Heh. Kristin's is a short dress with a lime green skirt made of ribbon over a gold skirt. I think she used stiff paper for the top. It's an ugly mess.
12) April made another black thing. It's spiky and weird and looks like a crystal cavern. It's just really kind of boring. also could poke your eye out, probably. Gaga lite.
13) Oh, geez. Sarah's is not pretty. It's a grey plasticky bodice and she just haphazardly pasted the blue palm-leaf things over it and it's just terrible. Looks like a kid's project. Horrible use of the palm leaves. And she knows it's not good. Uh-oh.
14)Valerie's napkin skirt is GORGEOUS. She must have glued together a thousand of those things. It's black and white, and there's a very deep decolletage going on and I really love it. She clearly thinks about shapes and fn things and I really like that. The back is also stunning, a black-and-white braid crossed down the middle. LOVE IT.
OK my top three: Michael C, Valerie and Andy. Andy should win for sheer awesomeness and hard work.
Bottom three: Sarah, Casanova and Gretchen because I hate her. Or Michael D. Hmm. Casanova should go home, if not Sarah.
-Baaah! they didn't call on Michael C to stay. Gretchen gets to stay?! the fuck is wrong with these judges! BLARGH.
-They pick Andy, Casanova, Sarah, Gretchen, Valerie and AJ.
-The others, backstage, point out that it's good that Andy is up there for being innovative and creative. It's obvious that they, like me, think that Gretchen isn't either of those things. Just boringly safe. I swear, if Andy doesn't win...Grr. And if Gretchen wins? GRR. I won't give up on the season but I'll be mightily pissed.
-Heidi tells them that the models leave if the designer does. Ouch, but fair. Also the winners very rarely pick another model, so.
-The judges love Valerie's dress, but that her accessory is kind of lame. Oh I just love the skirt. Heeeee. Betsy says how you can wipe yourself on the dress, which I don't think Val wants to do, but she laughs because Betsy is insane and probably super high on like, hairspray fumes. The judges just don't seem to like Valerie that much for some reason, and seem just unnecessarily harsh or blase about her. I just don't get it.
-AJ. Oh lord. She looks like she's wearing the party store. The judges hate it. Heidi says it looks silly, and it does. It does look like he just threw shit at her. Ha. Nina says it looks like a hot mess, AJ says thanks and Heidi gets REALLY mad saying it wasn't a compliment. GAH, the crotch does look hideous. He has like hanging necklaces. It's...ugh. Betsy (who you'd think would love it) says she would have liked if he had taken it further. I guess he took a chance. Unlike SOME people.
-Andy. The more I look at that dress the more I love it. I want to touch it. Holy crap I love that thing. The styling is so perfect with the long ponytail and mirror-earrings. I think the judges don't love it ENOUGH. Bah. They should go insane over it and they're just lukewarm. What is WRONG with them? Betsy even calls it "too perfect" like that's a BAD thing.
-Casanova. God that thing looks she's a disco ball that got a giant ruffle stuck on it. HAHAHA Kors says she looks like a "transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral" AND YES IT DOES. Sometimes Kors just speaks shit but man that was so appropriate.
-Sarah. Oh poor Sarah. That looks terrible and I think she knows it. They say it looks sad, and too simple and not really thought out. Post-show note: I feel that if she had only pushed herself a little further she could have made something safe instead of ugly and Casanova would've gone home.
-OK I admit I like Gretchen's paper bag jacket. But it's too much like fabric. And stringing together garlands isn't exactly innovative. I said garlands at the start, didn't I? And I'm not on PR. Nina calls it fabulous. WHY DO THEY LIKE HER SO MUCH? *FACEPALM* The boots are terrible. God she's probably gonna win and I'm gonna pitch a fit.
BACKSTAGE FILLER TIME
-Backstage Gretchen is STILL a giant bitch. They ask Andy what they said about his dress, and she keeps interrupting, even saying "CAN I TALK FOR A MINUTE" and GRETCHEN THAT IS ALL YOU FUCKING DO and no one asked for your opinion. Gah I hate people like that. And she starts once again giving her opinion and how CAN YOU NOT HATE THIS BITCH. AJ says, tiredly and super bitchily (and I love it) that she talks too much. Aaaaand she blames it on him being in the bottom 3, and everyone looks super uncomfortable and like they're thinking "GRETCHEN IS A GIANT SLUG AND I WANNA DUMP SALT ON HER". Which she is. And we do, too. AJ just laughs, because what can you do with such delusion?
-Kors says Cassie doesn't have taste. I agree. They say Sarah did nothing, and they're right. I hate agreeing with them. But...see, I hate how they're all "YOU SHOULD DO MORE" to the ones they don't like, but they look at Gretchen's shit and don't think that? When she always does the minimum? WHAT is going on here? I'd be seriously pissed if I were one of the designers, because how the hell do you know what will make these people happy? Tim also pointed out in his blog that the judging gets WORSE as the season goes on, and oh boy. I expect a lot of murderous words against Kors this season.
-They just think Val's is pretty. WHICH...I DON'T GET IT. Because it was so innovative and made great use of the materials they had. Same with Andy's. Why don't they like their stuff more? Look at everything Andy did! GRETCHEN FUCKING GLUED GARLANDS TOGETHER. Grr she's gonna win isn't she. I hate these people. They don't know what the fuck they want.
-OH YAY, ANDY WINS! THANK GOD. Stuff it down your bitch throat, Gretchen! HAAAAAAA! OK that was mean. But that woman makes me so angry, even though part of my hatred is because the judges are so delusional. Anyway. I love you and your cheekbones, Andy!
-Oh, go cry into your bitch pillow, Gretchen. Gah. I can't stop.
-AJ's in. Yay. I think he can do more. Aw, Sarah's out. But...I think she just hadn't done enough, and her previous garment wasn't very pretty, either. Casanova did a hideous first look but his second one was alright. Sarah just didn't have a lot going on. So it's fitting.
-She's very cool about it, and I like that. She knows it wasn't great so there we go. I like her attitude.
-And then...AMBULANCE! EEK! Eeeek! Ivy passed out in the hall! Scary! Maybe it was from sniffing too much hot glue? Oh lord, I hope she's OK.
And that's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed the madness, and don't forget to check out Tim's blog and video blog. They're on the Lifetime website.