Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 17

YOU GUYS. I am *this* close to finishing The Pain: Book 1. I only have The Epilogue to go. Oh yeah, there's an Epilogue. I have no doubt that it will be condensed pain. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know (in case you were wondering) that no, none of this crap ever goes anywhere. There's some DANGER BELLA ROBINSON DANGER towards the end but it amounts to nothing because Stephanie Meyer is a terrible fucking writer with no idea how to write tension or, well, anything remotely intelligent. But the pain is almost over!

Still haven't decided on doing New Moon yet, but I figure it can't get worse than this, right? ....Right?

Let's get to the Chinese Water Torture.

[AKA: Vampire baseball! even stupider than REAL baseball!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 36

Quick n Hard Summary:
Billy Black and Jacob go visit Bella for some reason. Well, mostly to warn her about what a bad influence Eddie is. If you think she listens you haven't been paying attention. Charlie comes home and they talk about Eddie. Finally Eddie picks her up to go to the mountains. They make out, it's horrible, they get to the mountain. They play vampire baseball but are quickly interrupted by the three new vampires Alice predicted earlier, who are coming towards the field. It may seem like we actually get a plot, but let's not kid ourselves: this woman wouldn't know a plot if it came up and bit her in the face.

Real-Time Notes:
-Sparklutz return from Chez Cullen, and Billy Black and Jacob are there for a visit. Apparently Billy came out warn Charlie about Eddie. GOOD ON BILLY.

-Eddie is all horrible about the werewolves-- who, let's remember, are Native Americans. I mean we don't know they're werewolves yet, but we all know they are. Point is, he is a RACIST BASTARD. OK, fine, probably not. But it's funny and it's late and I have to find whatever humor I can in this.

Billy and, um, Jacob, were not amused. Daddy Billy is about to bitchslap the shit out of Eddie Pan.

-So Eddie takes off. Blah blah, Billy warns Bella about being with Eddie, Bella is a sulky teen and doesn't listen. Which, I can't really blame her in part (teens are stupid), but with this being Creepo McSparkleson, I'm with Billy here. Billy leaves.

-"Now that I was removed from Jasper's and Edward's influence, I began to make up for not being terrified before."

Must be nice to have your feelings fucked around with. I wish Jasper were here so he could calm my rage over this. NO, NO I DON'T. GO AWAY YOU CREEP. GO BACK TO YOUR CREEP FAMILY YOU SPARKLY EQUIVALENT OF A VALIUM.

Fig 1: Jasper Cullen

-"Jessica, Mike, the dance, the school — they all seemed strangely irrelevant at the

Everything else is irrelevant to you, Bella. You're the most selfish chick on the planet. You have no personality and no ambitions and you've attached yourself like a leech to another, sparkly, leech and you will never ever let go. Why people give a shit about you is beyond me.

-I think Jessica calls her up at some point to talk about the dance, but I don't remember. All I wrote was : WHY IS JESSICA TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS BITCH. I mean jeebus, I know she's a Mary Sue and pretends to be an outcast and whatever, but it's really baffling to me why people want to keep being her friend. Most teens wouldn't give someone this sullen and uncommunicative and stuck up a second thought. Clearly, Poop knows nothing about teenagers.

-Bella tries to tell her dad about Eddie, and Charlie's reaction is great. He keeps calling him EDWIN which cracks me up because it's just as likely a name for that twit.

37, 38
"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…"

YEAH, TELL HIM THAT. Maybe he can stick you in a mental hospital for being such a complete lunatic.

"I hadn't realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats."

OH COME ON. That is the worst fucking metaphor I have ever heard in my life. A RAINCOAT AD?! THAT IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH ?! THAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS, POOP! you mean he looks like...THIS:



Holy jeebus on a cracker. I could cry right now from the ludicrosity. Here's some other terrible fucking metaphors you could use, Poop:

Edward stood there in the rain...

...Looking like a mannequin at a store where they sell jeans, you know the really hot ones? Yeah like that! and they're all pale and stuff and omg so gorgeous. And the store plays really awesome house music and there's awesome posters of awesome guys and it's awesome at the mall. That's what he looked like, yeah.

...Looking like one of those little naked cupid statues they have in old English gardens and stuff where they have pretty flowers like freesia that would smell just like ME except Edward is like an older version of that? And maybe not naked.

...Looking like the design on a really sexy bottle of Axe Spray.

...Looking like a really great fillet mignon left out in the rain for too long except it was covered in foil so it was shiny.

...Looking like a dragon in a really sexy girl-dragon-meets-boy-dragon-story. With sparkly scales.

Etc. I was actually gonna google 'sexy dragon' for a photo for you guys, but then I remembered that this is the internet and rule 34 and whatever and I'm not risking that.

-Anyway. Charlie meets Eddie and it's really boring, probably just to contrast how much cooler and better the Cullens are than poor old Daddy Swan. They take off in Eddie's new car.

-He has some huge jeep with him. It's Emmet's of course, because in Meyer's world your car reflects you! I love that Eddie=Volvo. Everyone knows that Volvos are the cars of sparkly marble gods everywhere.

Oh, yeah, a Volvo just screams "virgin sex god".

-Bella, "adorably", is an ass with the seat belt so he gets to feel her up as he clips it for her and she HYPERVENTILATES because HAVE SEX ALREADY OR YOU WILL EXPLODE.

-They get to the mountain and once again Bella has to be piggy-backed up the trail. They make out some more.

-Instead of keeping safely motionless, my arms reached up to twine tightly around his neck, and I was suddenly welded to his stone figure.

Shocked Granny is SHOCKED at your pornyness.

-Seriously, that was just wrong in so many ways.

-Finally they get to this big open field on top of a mountain. They do it up there during storms because apparently their hits are so hard they break the sonic barrier or some shit. The Cullens are all there, and they have bases all set far apart---listen, I'm not gonna describe the goddamn vampire baseball game. I skipped most of it. The basic gist is they're all really fast, really strong, really graceful and really pretty.

-Klutzy McHornyson stands apart with Esme, the "mom".

-"Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"

There is no one in this family who isn't a creep. Who says that to a 16 year old?! It makes perfect sense that they all came together. "Hey yeah I like them! Did I tell you how I lost my left toe to a deadly fungus in the 12th century? TRUE STORY!"

-I don't get why they play baseball. It's so completely random. It's like some piss-poor attempt at creating Quidditch-- HA! I Just realized I'm right. She's trying (and, needless to say, failing miserably) to be JK Rowling, but she doesn't have a smidge of the talent. I are a genioos.

- Needle scratch! Everyone freaks out because they feel three vampire strangers approaching. REAL vampires, not hippies like these guys.

-Poop tries (and fails, again) to be all tense. Doesn't work. Point is, there's three other vampires coming their way, who want to 'play' but, of course they will immediately want Bella because of how she smells like raw steaks and teriyaki or whatever.

Mmmm, raw steak smell.

-"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

GEEZ, BELLA, TAKE A BATH. I know you're all obsessed with your sparkly boyfriend but let's not forget basic hygiene!

-Rosie's all pissed. I like that she's the only one in this universe who doesn't seem to like Bella because she gets how much of annoyance she is. ROSALIE, BE MY BEST FRIEND. But remember she only hates Bella cos' she's JEALOUS. That's the only reason girls hate other girls!

-And so, something like a plot finally starts to happen. On chapter 17. Brilliant fucking job, you hack.

Final Impression: Vampires playing baseball is dumber than regular people playing baseball. Plot points in the forms of three visiting vampires are not gonna be the only real threat Bella has faced in this book, not counting Eddie's creepiness.

Final Grade: D. We weren't focusing on Bella and Eddie alone, but the rest of it was just stupid.

Final "Pretty" Count: 39

Only six more chapters to go!


1 comment:

moo... said...

oh no, only six? i don't think i'll be able to live without your PAIN.