Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 18

Be warned: this is where the "plot" starts. Just writing that makes me scoff and feel like a liar, because...well fuck it, it's not a plot but shit (stupid shit) sort of happens. So the chapters are blissfully short, but no less stupid, which is a marvel in itself. They're just as bad, but we get fewer longing stares, which is something. So, same old, basically. I'm rambling. Let's get to it.

Chapter 18: The Hunt
[AKA: the hunt for something to redeem this book is once again a miserable failure]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
The Pretty Clan and Klutz have their boring-ass baseball game interrupted by three new vampires, one chick and two dudes. They're blood-drinkers, so they're the closest thing to real vampires this book has. Then one of them smells Bella and freaks out by her dookie smell, saying he wants to eat her. Eddie gets all territorial and the other three go away, and then they all freak out because the one dude is probably gonna do everything to hunt down Bella. I say just let him have her, but no...They start driving Bella away to wherever but then decide to come up with some retarded plan to throw James off the scent. It's stupid, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

Real-Time Notes:

-If vampires can smell Bella from miles away why don't you just cover her in mud or garlic or bear shit? You're in the WOODS. THINK, PEOPLE, THINK!

The thought of Bella covered in bear shit fills me with glee.

-Three vampires come into the clearing, two dudes and one chick. They move like hunters and are dressed in frayed clothes and are barefoot. I love how the most menacing thing Poop can think of is hippies.
OK, fine, that's pretty terrifying. You win this one, Poop.

- Their eyes are red. Their leader, Laurent, is all hot and whatever and talks with a french accent, which means he's probably evil and maybe gay. Everyone knows the Gay French are the evilest. The woman's name is Victoria and she has slutty red hair. James is boring but seems alert. He claims they just want to play baseball.

I love it. The three biggest threats to Poop seem to be The Gay French, Slutty Women and Plain Looking Dudes. AWESOME.

-"Of course." Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed. A shiver ran up my spine."

Semi-real vampires for once, hurrah! Of course the Cullens treat them like hillbillies who eat roadkill, because the Cullens are snobs and wouldn't let these people into their Country Club of the Gorgeous.

Oh how unspeakably plebeian! Please to take your stench elsewhere, you thing!

I don't even know.

- You guys, something is HAPPENING. I don't know how to deal with this! I mean, it's pretty lame and whatever and there's still Sparklepires, but at least it's not Sparklutz looking at each other, you know?

- Suddenly James smells Bella's dookie smell and everyone freaks out. Seriously, guys. A nice bear shit mask would've saved you so many problems.

-"You brought a snack?" he asked, his expression incredulous as he took an involuntary step forward. Edward snarled even more ferociously, harshly, his lip curling high above his glistening, bared teeth."

RAWR. I PEED ON HER FIRST. WOMAN MINE. RAWR! RAWR! Also, glistening teeth? That's disgusting.

Oh, Edward, you're so manly!

-The hippies leave and everyone freaks the fuck out. Edward drags Bella away, stuffs her in the car and starts driving away...not towards her house. Lovely! And they refuse to tell her what's up because that will help the girl calm down! Everyone in this family is an asshole.

-"You don't understand," he roared in frustration. I'd never heard his voice so loud; it was deafening in the confines of the Jeep. The speedometer neared one hundred and fifteen."

Oh yeah this guy's a fucking PRIZE. We get this vague idea (another failure of first-person narration) that Eddie read in James' mind just how bad he wants to eat Bella or whatever, but the fact that they don't SAY THIS TO BELLA is really fucking stupid and not helpful at all. So she's freaking out in the car and no one is telling her anything, specially her boyfriend, who is just screaming at her and generally being a dick. I hate that sparkly fuck.

-So after forever they tell her that James wants to hunt her down (for no reason at all other than Mary Sue must be in constant danger), and Bella freaks out because he'll probably try to get to Charlie, though if he wants Bella then who cares? And heh, way to care about your dad NOW, Selfish McStupidson.

-"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him." Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."

Ha I knew I liked Emmett. So why don't they just DO THAT? There's like 7 of these sparkly bastards against one of him, and their best idea is to drive Bella really far away, even though they KNOW that vampires are super fast and can stay on a scent forever? Gah it's like the prettier you are the dumber you get.

Secretly a genius, in Poop's Universe.

-WHOA. STOP THE PRESSES. Bella actually has an IDEA. *GASP SHOCK AWE*! Everyone is as shocked as I am, which is pretty hilarious. Her idea is to pretend to go to Phoenix so James will follow them and then they can hide Bella.

(Also my new favorite photo in the world. I love the internet.)

-"You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

Edward you are SUCH an asshole.

-"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," he said between clenched teeth."

JUST THIS ONCE? When the hell have you ever let this girl do ANYTHING her way? Fuck off, Sparkles, you controlling twat. Yet another failure on Poop's part--we're supposed to believe that Eddie is justifiably frustrated by the way that Bella disobeys him or whatever the hell, but all we know is that Bella is stupid and never does anything out of her own resolve. So it's just another instance of Poop telling us that a character is whatever without actually showing us any proof that the character is this way. You know? It's just terrible fucking writing all around.

-There's a lot of yelling and planning and it all seems really stupid when they could just wait for this dude at Bella's house and kill him. What the hell does it matter? At least in True Blood they have a vampire hierarchy that keeps you from killing another vampire. In this case there are NO CONSEQUENCES to killing the dude that's after your girlfriend. Just kill him!

-Um, so the stupid plan seems to be that Bella will pretend to be going to Phoenix all angry at her dad or whatever, and because James will be listening he'll know they know and won't believe she's going. And Rosie and Esme will lay a fake scent trail for James to follow. Bella WILL go to Phoenix, with Jasper and Alice. And then Eddie will meet them there.

This is the dumbest plan in the history of plans. I've seen smarter plots in cartoons meant for infants.

That one episode where they waved at the sun?
That had a better plot than this shit.

Also the idea of the vampires taking a flight leads me into another tangent. Do these people have IDs or something? and how do they justify getting new ones every 40 years or whatever? Is one of them just an expert at faking documents or something? What happens when they go through security or a body scan? Hmmm?

Oh fuck, who cares. Poop clearly didn't think about anything, why should I?

-"What are you going to do in Phoenix?" he asked her scathingly. "Stay indoors."

Oh, because people will be sooooooo freaked out about people wearing body glitter in PHOENIX. OK I don't know anything about Phoenix, but come on. What the hell are the consequences of someone seeing that they glitter, for crying out loud. We've been through this. People won't give a shit.

If THIS guy could become not only accepted but well loved,
what the fuck do you have to worry about?

- "Bella." Edward's voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. "If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"

Yeah, THAT will calm her down. Could this guy BE more of a douchebag? Blargh.

-Chapter ends! huzzah, that was short and now Sparklutz is separated YAY!


Final Impression: Poop fails at plotting, obviously. I hate that the only problems Bella faces are from other vampires and not Edward, so she'll never learn anything (because he's different!). Every character in this book is a dumbass.

Final Grade: D, because at least the vampire trio was amusing, and because someone wants to kill Bella, an idea I fully support.

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