The Pain: Chapter 16

It's been a fun few days at Chez Fig. Yesterday MrFig had to deliver a package (he's a courier) to this dinky town just past the Texas/Arkansas border and I went along with him because, well, it's not like I have anything better to do. It was about a 3 hour drive there, and we had fun listening to the radio, watching the countryside (and some of it was quite pretty, so shut it) , having silly conversations and trying not to die from the heat. We got to the town, delivered the package to a very smelly paper mill and drove back. Doesn't sound that exciting, but the truth is that I love driving around and getting to know the US a little better, even if this was just a really tiny chunk of it. After we got back to Dallas we drove around delivering some more packages around Dallas. The temperature reached 112 at one point, which now makes Dallas the hottest place I have ever been in (that I remember. My mom claims Rio de Janeiro got this hot sometimes but because I was 3 at the time I don't remember it). Every time we opened the windows it felt like...you know when you open a really hot oven and this woosh of hot air blows in your face and you feel like your eyeballs are melting? that's what this felt like. In short: it was hot. We must've drunk at least three gallons of water, not counting the cherry Slurpee we had near the end of the day. Mmmm, Slurpees.

So that was yesterday. It was fun. In other Exciting Events, I've applied to a few jobs to see if I can make some money before going for the Teacher's Certificate. I've frankly had enough of being a layabout and really need to start doing something. They're nothing fancy--some retail places and a couple of secretary jobs, but they're nearby and don't seem like they'd be that difficult to do. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

And lastly, before we get to the good stuff: Maybe you've noticed that I added a couple of ads to the site. I figure it can't really hurt (the ads really are tiny and unobtrusive) and the 10 cents I might get at the day of the month will help. Ka-ching! But really, I'm getting almost 200 views a day, which isn't bad, and hopefully it'll grow as we go on. Tell your friends! We have snark and semi-nude men! It's the best place ON THE INTERNET. Yay!

Also, I'm sorry that, because I talk so much about The Pain, the ad program has deemed it fit to post ads about Twilight conventions and other horrors. Please forgive me.

Alright! let's get back to what we all came here to see: Pain and misery inflicted upon yours truly. Huzzah!

****

CHAPTER 16: CARLISLE
[AKA: Daddy Cullen is a Creep as Well. Creep Runs in the Family]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 35

Quick n Hard Summary:
Sparklutz is still at the Cullen residence, and this time we get to find out more about Carlisle (or Daddy Carlie as I shall now call him). Turns out he's never tasted human because he didn't want to be a monster, etc. We get some more back story on Eddie, who is still the lamest of the lame. Then we see his room, and he doesn't have a bed. So they make out on the floor and Alice finds them. It's not awkward at ALL! And then they decide to go play baseball. Wait...what? Yeah.

Real Time Notes:
-Car-lisssssssssssssss-le. That's how I read his name every time. I know it's wrong, but whatever. Easier to say Carlie.

-They go into Carlie's office and it's nice, of course. There's one wall full of photos and paintings. There's a one of London in the 1650s, which is where Carlie comes from. Damn, he must be bored out of his mind, musn't he? I mean, considering that he's forced to live in the most boring town int he USA.

- We get Carlie's story, which is ACTUALLY INTERESTING so let me pick my jaw up off the floor. Carlie tried to kill himself a lot because he was a monster omgz. But then he ate a deer and was OK. Isn't it part of the vampire thing that a deer just isn't as satisfying as human? Whatever. I give up on trying to list everything that makes Poop's vampires not vampires at all.

The Count says: "I'm a goddamn Muppet and I'm still more of
a real vampire than you will ever be, you Sparkly Fuck."

-He lifted his hand, moving it to rest against my neck. The speed of my heart reacted to that, but I persisted.

...the speed of your heart? The fuck does that even mean? Also, let's never forget how horny Bella is. All of the time.

-We learn that these "vampires" don't really breathe. Yay, more weirdness that Bella will be totally OK with because PRETTY AND HE MAKES ME HOT! hahaha so Eddie gets all long faced that Bella for once is mildly disturbed by him. I like to imagine his heart crushed at the possibility that she might have a brain inside her. Don't worry Eddie, it won't last! You can still be in love with a mindless shell of a human being who smells like Air Freshener!

Hint: Bella's the one that fell over.

-Also, how the hell is it that they can't breathe, but they're always sniffing around Bella, and Edward can smell her, and ABSORB her smell or whatever the hell? It makes no sense at all.Make up what little mind you have, Poop! keep your story straight! fucking bimbo.

- Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…"

That is very weird, and (shockingly) sort of cool. Though I'm sure it's not the first time someone's come up with a vampire who is also a doctor (Dr Akula!). As far as I know, Carlie's never even TASTED human, which just makes me wonder if he's really the ideal person to be telling other vampires to stay vegetarian, you know? Kinda like priests trying to lecture people on fighting the urge to have sex....but I digress.

- Carlie lived with some fancy vampires in Italy for a while. They get names but it doesn't really matter because they're not in this book (I think they show up later, one of them might be Creepy Dakota Fanning in the movies). But he got tired and went to the Americas.

-I just think it's massively stupid that Meyer made these vampires hate themselves and what they are. They seem to be perfectly fine, with the minor inconvenience that they have to drink blood. They even SPARKLE. They would be welcome at any parade and/or circus! They can go out in the sun all the time, they are gorgeous, they can lead normal lives. There is nothing that makes them the monsters that they should be. So why the fuck are they so whiny about being vampires?

Edward could have a BRILLIANT career as a disco ball at raves!

Premise fail!

-OK this is weird: Carlie was really lonely, so he decided to make himself a "companion". And...the perfect candidate was a gorgeous 17 year old boy who was dying of The Pretty or something.

Tell me that is not weird. He could have turned ANYBODY. Not to mention the fact that Eddie had no choice in the matter at all, and that Carlie was turning him into a "monster" just like him for totally selfish reasons. Yep, I think we all know where Edward got his Creep.

-Eddie apparently went through a 'rebel' phase where he abandoned Carlie and went off on his own for a while. Then he came back to Carlie, but not before he had actually hunted down people.

-36
And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. Would she have been grateful, that girl, or more frightened than before?

If she had half a brain, probably a bit of both. But if she was you? then she'd just love it.

-This all means that Eddie HAS killed people before. I (or any other sane person) would at least be concerned or weirded out. Bella? she just wants to see Eddie's room. Because she has a brain the size of a rabbit turd.

-Eeee! it's a boy's room! it's full of CDs and a fancy stereo and has no bed--OH NOES THE LUST WILL GO UNSATISFIED FOREVAH BECAUSE THERE IS NO BED TO CONSUMMATE OUR PRECIOUS LOVE ON!

- Ed's completely happy that his girlfriend appears to be a complete 'tard who isn't afraid of him. SCORE! Finally, after 100 years, I managed to find the dumbest person on the planet and made her mine! Yeah, you keep telling her it's because she's special and whatever, but we know the truth. I bet he CAN read her mind, he just pretends not to. Fucking sleazebag.

Oh, Bella, my love! I totally love you for your brains!

- I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled.

What the flying fuck? The fuck is wrong with this kid? LET ME ATTACK MY GIRL SO SHE WILL BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM DANGEROUS RAWR! THIS WAY SHE WILL NEVER THINK I'M A TOTAL GIRLY GIRL AND SHE WILL NOT NOTICE MY CELINE DION CDs! RAWR!

O_O. I have no idea what the fuck just happened.

-Alice and Jasper mercifully come in to break off the horrible moment.

-"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced. I stiffened for an instant, until I realized Edward was grinning — whether at her comment or my response, I couldn't tell."

Good Godtopus, how freaky is this entire family? HEY I HEARD YOU MAKING OUT WE WANTED TO COME IN AND SHARE. I do like Alice though, just because of how totally creepy she is. But in a good way, not like her sleazy creep of a brother.

- They decide to go play baseball because Alice hears a storm coming (it'll make sense later. Not much, but sort of). They invite Bella along. Oh good lord cover her in bubblewrap because this fucktard is bound to break an ankle or two just looking at the ball. Oooh! break her teeth! That'd be sweet. DO IT, EMMETT! DO IT!

But it's the only way you will be safe, Bella my darling!

[Side note: I found that photo while googling "wrapped in bubblewrap" and it's from this very bizarre website about weightloss and fat children or something? It was weird. I didn't investigate very long.]

-So, OK, they're gonna go play baseball up in the mountains. Again: most boring vampires of all time.

**

Final Impression: Feh. Nothing will redeem this book at this point, but this one wasn't nearly as painful, mostly because we got to learn about other characters. Poop still fails at writing and making ANY of her characters interesting and not creepy. Still, it didn't make me want to tear out my hair, so I guess that's a plus.

Final Grade: C- for the reasons stated above.

Final "Pretty" Count: 36