Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Stephanie Meyer, you are the WORST.

Hey, so you know what I haven't talked about in a while? Motherfrakkin' Twilight. Because GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. I finished it. I FINISHED IT. I read every single page of that monstrosity and I am so very proud of myself. Well, not proud so much as disgusted. But you have to know your enemy in order to destroy it, don't you? And oh, I know my enemy.

I have to say that I'm also glad that I can now safely proclaim, with plenty of proof at hand, and through painful personal experience that this is: THE. WORST. BOOK. OF. ALL. TIME. And I have read some seriously awful shit. I've read Patterson, people. I've read Dan Brown. Nicholas Sparks. Harlequin Romances. Paulo Coelho. And yet nothing has even come close to the awfulness of Twilight. Congratulations, Miss Meyer, you have reached lowest of the low on my scale of Things That Suck. There is nothing the least bit redeemable in your pie of horrors. Not one thing. They are terrible beyond belief, and it didn't even take me that long to find that out. It is hands-down the worst writing I have ever read in my life. It has the most unlikable characters in the history of literature. It has the weakest, most nonsensical 'plot' ever, and it has the most insulting, disgusting, disturbing 'romance' in literature intended for teenagers.

In short, dear lady, your book was disgusting. It destroyed my soul. It destroyed my brain as I tried to comprehend what kind of a mind could come up with something so thoroughly awful. It destroyed yet a little more of my belief in humanity, because the mere idea that people like this stuff (genuinely like it!) makes my heart ache.

You, Stephanie Meyer, are the worst.

But, hey, you're a millionaire, so who gives a shit what I think, right? WRONG. Because YES. Because you are awful and I think you should care. So, there.

And guess what, Miss-I-don't-care-what-Figgy-thinks-about-my-Horrible-Book-of-Horror: I AM NOT GOING TO STOP. Oh yes. No use pleading. I'm gonna read the other three books in this series of Utter and Absolute Pain and I WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY YOU.

No, no use in pleading. No. SHUT UP, lady. I don't care if you've had enough. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I KNOW MY ENEMY ENOUGH TO DESTROY HIS ARMIES AND THEIR FAMILIES AND BURN HIS ENTIRE CITY TO THE GROUND AND SOW THE FIELDS WITH SALT AND--

*cough*

I think I got a little carried away there. I just hate that woman so much. Even though, yes, I know that I brought this upon myself. Go away with your stupid "logic" and your "reasoning" and "Figgy this is your own fault"s. I don't like you either. Don't make me go over there and destroy your armies.

Anyhoo! I was gonna do the next chapter of The Pain Part 1 here, but I think I'll let this post stew in its own rage a little bit, and go take a shower because I feel dirty.

5 comments:

Burdy said...

I love you.

Pickled Tink said...

So you only read the first one? Because in my opinion they get progressively worse. Just imagine that. The last one is unimaginably horrible. Just wait.

Marra Alane said...

Maybe you can remember how anti-Twilight I was when I read these books; how I ranted and raved, how I despised Ms. Meyers and everyone who read and liked her work; and then I finished the series and never thought about them again for a year.

Reading your hilarious diatribes against them now, I was sort of wondering, hey, maybe these are just middling YA romance novels whose popularity has made some people (like you and me) go overboard in our loathing for them. I mean, most YA romance is pretty awful, just because this series has sold millions of copies doesn't necessarily mean that it's that much worse. Surely it's rabid fanbase has simply clouded our ability to judge Twilight objectively?

It was in this spirit of new-found optimism that I picked up a copy in the library and reread the first few chapters.

Nope, you're right, it really is that bad. You grab the effigy and I'll fire up the tank, we're taking a road trip to Utah.

Figgylicious said...

Heee, Marra! And yeah I totally remember that.

And I kinda wondered the same thing as I was reading them, but then...it just really IS that bad. And the fact that people like it just makes me ANGRIER but it all stems from how bad it is and WHY is it so popular? And it all just comes down to this: Meyer is just awful.

Kate said...

I sounded exactly like you and I attempted to read the next book and failed miserably. I just couldn't do it.

She is a truly terrible writer.