Hey, so you know what I haven't talked about in a while? Motherfrakkin' Twilight. Because GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. I finished it. I FINISHED IT. I read every single page of that monstrosity and I am so very proud of myself. Well, not proud so much as disgusted. But you have to know your enemy in order to destroy it, don't you? And oh, I know my enemy.
I have to say that I'm also glad that I can now safely proclaim, with plenty of proof at hand, and through painful personal experience that this is: THE. WORST. BOOK. OF. ALL. TIME. And I have read some seriously awful shit. I've read Patterson, people. I've read Dan Brown. Nicholas Sparks. Harlequin Romances. Paulo Coelho. And yet nothing has even come close to the awfulness of Twilight. Congratulations, Miss Meyer, you have reached lowest of the low on my scale of Things That Suck. There is nothing the least bit redeemable in your pie of horrors. Not one thing. They are terrible beyond belief, and it didn't even take me that long to find that out. It is hands-down the worst writing I have ever read in my life. It has the most unlikable characters in the history of literature. It has the weakest, most nonsensical 'plot' ever, and it has the most insulting, disgusting, disturbing 'romance' in literature intended for teenagers.
In short, dear lady, your book was disgusting. It destroyed my soul. It destroyed my brain as I tried to comprehend what kind of a mind could come up with something so thoroughly awful. It destroyed yet a little more of my belief in humanity, because the mere idea that people like this stuff (genuinely like it!) makes my heart ache.
You, Stephanie Meyer, are the worst.
But, hey, you're a millionaire, so who gives a shit what I think, right? WRONG. Because YES. Because you are awful and I think you should care. So, there.
And guess what, Miss-I-don't-care-what-Figgy-thinks-about-my-Horrible-Book-of-Horror: I AM NOT GOING TO STOP. Oh yes. No use pleading. I'm gonna read the other three books in this series of Utter and Absolute Pain and I WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY YOU.
No, no use in pleading. No. SHUT UP, lady. I don't care if you've had enough. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I KNOW MY ENEMY ENOUGH TO DESTROY HIS ARMIES AND THEIR FAMILIES AND BURN HIS ENTIRE CITY TO THE GROUND AND SOW THE FIELDS WITH SALT AND--
I think I got a little carried away there. I just hate that woman so much. Even though, yes, I know that I brought this upon myself. Go away with your stupid "logic" and your "reasoning" and "Figgy this is your own fault"s. I don't like you either. Don't make me go over there and destroy your armies.
Anyhoo! I was gonna do the next chapter of The Pain Part 1 here, but I think I'll let this post stew in its own rage a little bit, and go take a shower because I feel dirty.