Project Runway, Season 8, Episode 4 (THE CRACKHEADS ARE IN TOWN)

I always feel like it's been forever since I updated this thing. Then I realized it's only been 4 days since I've bitched and whined and ranted. Maybe I just have an addiction. I think if I tried I could update at least three times a day, but I have to force myself not to so people won't become exhausted. I mean, sometimes I make myself tired. But that's what you get for having an overactive imagination. Better just to have these conversations with myself as I clean the house or take a shower or whatever. Anyway.

Episode 4, Season 8. The show is almost an hour and a half long, and I'm sorry to say that's about half an hour too long. Sometimes the filler is pretty pathetic. But let's start at the beginning of the craziness. This week: hats! crazy hats! albinos! ambulances! Tim Gunn is a ghost! the judges are on crack some more!

BOOM.

Oh, I just want to point out that I write the notes as I watch the episode, so I didn't know who had won at the time I took the notes. I could edit and pretend that I agreed with the judges all along, but I must stick to the name of the blog and do it from the gut. Alrighty, then.

-Previously: Andy won and Sarah went home for listening to Gretchen. OK, maybe not but I like blaming her for stuff. Sarah went home for being inexplicably boring.

-And oh, the sweet irony of that moment in the credits when Sarah goes "I've come way too far to lose!" Oh, Sarah.

OPENING SEGMENT OF DOOM
-See what I meant about the filler? We get the exact same footage that we got at the end of the last episode, with Ivy passing out, the medics, etc. Apparently she was just really dehydrated.

-Valerie and Gretchen wonder if Ivy just passed out from not eating, which, eek. Maybe it was a combination of eating only Diet coke and cigarettes. Maybe also too much stress, hot glue gun fumes, and being around Gretchen too much. Poor girl.

-Ivy returns at like 3:30am, which can't be good for her sleep/stress levels, but I'm glad she's OK, even though as this episode proves, she can be a bit of a pill.

HEIDI TIME (can't touch this! she'll probably eat you)

-Heidi looks nice, but those bangs and haircut are terrible. She calls in the models and I'm like bleh, I hate this segment but this time it's SPECIALLY because they are wearing some FUNKYASS AWESOME HATS. Incredible. Gigantic folded paper things that are just unbelievable. I want one. I wouldn't WEAR it anywhere but damn they're gorgeous. OK maybe I would wear it to insane church.

-So they're all by artist Phillip Tracie (that's maybe not how you spell his name but I could never get it right), who apparently designed that one hideous hat for SJP that looked like a dead bird, and he also designs things for Gaga, whom I love. He's kind of crazy and I love it. He comes in and he has really weird hair and gives Heidi all these weird/creepy sideways looks and he kinda looks albino. No offense to albinos.

THE CHALLENGE
-...Is to create a look that will be inspired and worn with one of the hats and that's AWESOME. You could really go insane. And it's really challenging, because you have to match everything and make it look really awesome and impress this weird dude.

-I think this is where we'll see if this crop of designers is any good at all. Because these hats are AMAZING and inspiring and you could do sooooo much with them. I hope we don't see any more mini dresses and flared skirts. THis is basically a 12-hour couture challenge, you know? ROCK IT OUT, PEOPLE.

-Oh! I just remembered that this guy was the one that did all the hats for that incredibly cool Galiano (for Dior) show this year--the one with the dresses that looked like flowers? And the hats all looked like bouquets and it was so fucking incredible. And I'm so proud of myself for making that connection. Here, let me find a link...

This is the full collection and holy shit I love every single thing about it. Do yourself a favor and look through the whole thing, because it's AWESOME. Hands down one of the best collections I've ever seen. Gah, so gorgeous. And Tracie did the crazy hats and I think the hair.

Anyway, moving on.

-They pick the models, but even though Heidi says they can choose whomever depending on which hat they like the most, all of them pick the models they've been working with, which makes the whole thing kind of futile. Heidi looks annoyed when she realizes that's what they're doing. Dammit, I wanted a bitchy fight over models again (IT'S A WALK-OFF, BITCH! remember that? it was glorious). I know I would've snatched Mondo's model right up, she's so gorgeous. But nooo all these people are loyal and nice and blah. I WANT BLOOD.

-I'm so excited about the challenge. I love the damn hats.

TIM/SKETCHING/SHOPPING TIME
-April has the ugliest hat--this flattened cone thing, but she could do something cool if she tried. Kristin whines even though she has this gorgeous thing that's basically an orchid, and she could go insane with it. I mean, just look at what Galliano did. But I don't have a lot of faith in Kristin, given what she's done (or failed to do, really) so far.

WORKING TIME
-Scramble scramble scramble. Casanova's being all whiny saying how he'll quit if the judges bitch on him again. THEN MAKE SOMETHING GOOD, YOU ASS. On the one hand, I want him to go because he sucks and makes ugly clothes, but he's also hilarious and insane and ridiculous, and that's the whole point of reality shows, isn't it? I don't think they'll kick him out anyway. The judges are insane and want to keep the crazy people in. Ugh, remember when Suede almost made it to the top 3? PUKE.

- "Casanova's being a diva, which is sort of expected for a queen..." says Ivy and I crack up at how wrong that is.

-Valerie freaks out because she doesn't have a zipper, but Ivy offers one of hers and FAKE CRISIS AVERTED. Come on. Someone cut a finger or something. Gretchen, say something stupid! that's what you're here for!

-I love Valerie. She reminds me of Amy Sedaris (finally placed it!) and that quirky/serious/slightly manic thing she has.

-Kristin has this look like she's about to fall asleep. She sounds very sleepy. Also she has terrible bedhead. Hee. "It's just a big vagina!" she says about her hat, and cracks up. Oh lord. Apaprently she's much crazier than I thought she was. We see Cassie slapping her on the ass. Ew.

-Aawww Michael C has a 6 year old son. Adorable! Ivy calls his dress a hot mess and dude, you can't really talk. He's kind of hating his design and it's just a terrible color. Come on MC, I like you. Rock it out.

TIM TIME! HI TIM! I LOVE YOU TIM! COME BE MY LIFE COACH!

-Valerie has a measuring tape around her head and it's adorable. She makes really funny faces at Tim, who's not sure about her ideas of adding random zippers to her dress. Hmmm...I think they can work. Remember that crazyass dress that Jeff the Creepy Neck Tattoo Guy did one time that was full of zippers? That was cool. But V's are really small and might not work. Anyway.

-Oh lord. April (who is wearing a cut-off sweatshirt a la flashdance but she just looks unshowered) is making booty shorts. WHAT. She has a pink-and-white striped hat! the hell is she doing? BOOTY SHORTS.

Hee. Tim says it looks like a diaper and IT TOTALLY DOES. A diaper made out of Charmin, because it's seriously all quilted and shit. I half expect those weirdass bears to come out and wipe their asses with it-- Those bears, by the way? most bizarre commercials ever or what? WHY DO THE BEARS HAVE TOILET PAPER. But I digress. Oh god those shorts are hideous. The worst part is that they're white and just begging to be compared to quilted toilet paper.

-Michael D has this weird fabric that looks like nothing but corrugated carton. Like the roof on a shack. It's this very boring taupe color. Tim is weirdly not hating it. Tim tells Michael to push himself and the advice is very vague.

-Kristin is using black and pink. Hmmph. SHINY black and pink. Like a prom dress. Ick. Oh god now we have Gretchen talking, and she says how she thinks Kristin's work kinda sucks and I hate that I agree with her. I STILL DON'T LIKE YOU, WRETCHEN.*

*I didn't come up with that. Someone on TVgasm did. But I love it so much.

I mean, I'm sure that the producers encourage her to talk shit on the interviews, and I'm sure that there's a lot of footage of other designers talking shit, but Gretchen just sounds so goddamn condescending every time she talks about someone else. Just STOP IT. Hee. Tim screeches at some fabric he sees.

-Oh God Peach is going with some hideous pink print AGAIN. What the hell, lady! Why do you only make dresses for little girls and boring ass debutantes! IT LOOKS LIKE MY GRANDMA'S TABLECLOTH. Also she's making yet ANOTHER little dress. Ugh. I had hopes that Peach was gonna rock it out and not be...what everyone expected her to be. Which is exactly what she's turning out to be. Old lady making boring clothes.

-Christopher has this gorgeous print of black penciled flowers over a gray shiny fabric. It's beautiful. I like him. He's so quiet.

-Ugh, Casanova. Tim says they've all seen that dress before. Donna Karan 1988. Hahahaha. Seriously dude you SUCK. He has the most BADASS hat of them all and he has this long-sleeve black piece of BLAH and once again he seems to be missing the whole point of the challenge by a fucking mile.Grr. Either he really doesn't understand or he's pretending not to. Either way it's ridiculous and now I just hate him. I know I said earlier that he was funny but now he's just jumped into annoying.

- Michael C has this really ugly fabric that puckers. He says he's going to change the whole thing, even though he only has like 4 hours. Damn. Come on, Michael. Lucky for him, it seems that April's is much, much worse. Michael D says MC didn't even bring a ruler. Michael C talks to his son on the phone, which is really adorable. God I hope you don't go home. Talk of children is a bit of a bad omen on this show. It's selfish but I want one of them to leave already so I can just type 'Michael'.

-The models show up. I'm disappointed that a lot of these dresses are a bit blah. Little dresses in dull winter colors. Blagh. IMPRESS ME, PEOPLE. You know what I think it is? And of course I haven't seen all of them, but I think the designers immediately saw hats and thought OLD LADIES AT BRITISH LUNCHES and decided to go with really blah designs. I hope I'm wrong.

DAY OF RUNWAY SHOW (Day of DOOM and CRACKHEADS)
-Kristin says she wants a critique, at least, and I know that that would annoy me that I don't know what the judges think about my stuff until it's too late. I know that that's the show, but still.

-Tim comes in to make them scramble, make them blah blah, makeup, hair, product placement, you know the drill. The models come in, all pointy elbows and pointy knees and stuff. So skinny.

-Wait, what happened to COLLIER STRONG? I want his freaky deaky face back ! come on! Who is this dude with the porn mustache and beard and beady eyes! COLLIER WHERE ARE YOU!

-Hee. Mondo wants a mustache on his model and I LOVE IT. He's so weird. I think in terms of weirdness and innovation he's probably the best, and the more like a real designer than any of these other people.

-I'm a bit worried that we haven't seen Gretchen's dress yet, because grr. They tend to not show the winner during the episode. I KNOW HOW YOU WORK, SHOW. Sort of. You've thrown me for a loop lately. But that's because you seem to be on the meth.

RUNWAY TIME
-Heeeee. Heidi comes out to the Seal song about the rose, and I crack up because COME ON. That was so ridiculous. She's wearing a giant upside down rose and it looks like it exploded on her head. I love Philip Tracie and his nuttiness. How does one become insane and rich like him? That's like my dream--to come up with really insane shit for people to wear even though it makes no sense, and become a millionaire. Maybe I should attach dead animals to bracelets or something. Anyway. Runway show!

1) Michael C made...a shredded little dress in a nice bronze color to match his giant circle of a hat. It's...a cute dress but completely at odds with the hat. There's no real harmony or connection, I don't think. It looks like a Rami dress, all wrapped and draped and whatever. Just so boring. Boring. BORING. Even Casanova pointed out that every Puerto Rican girl had a dress like that in their closet. And when Casanova is right...well, you're in trouble.The super-red hat would've looked amazing with a white dress, I think.

(Note: I can't believe how much my own initial reaction contrasted with the judges'. More on that later.)

2) Ick. Gretchen, who had this pancake hat with some feathers sticking out made...god, i don't even know. It's a sheer long top and tights? It looks like deranged Robin Hood in mourning who fell on his head and flattened it on one side. It's all taupe and gray and it has these weird lace leggings with leather insides? The fuck is that? The judges will probably go nuts over it. I think it's a monstrosity.

3) Kristin's is a MESS. It looks completely shoddy and badly cut. It's badly fitted, there's pink fabric puking out the top of the dress like a tongue and there's this bizarre piece of bright pink fabric that comes out of her stomach and like...wraps around her legs and goes into the back. Again like vomit or exploding guts. It's an ode to vomiting blood, I think. So weird and wrong and horrible. Ick.

4) Michael D's dress made me LOL for real. But in a good way! He got this GIANT circular hat, so he made the corrugated carton top that's pointy and has a big plunging neckline. And he has a bright orange skirt that's wrinkled and cute. It's so bizarre and strangely gorgeous. Very conceptual. I think I like it? Even though it's kind of bizarre? It's totally something you'd see on a real runway, though. Fashion is so weird sometimes.

5) Eh. Valerie made another shredded-bottom dress that's a nice dark pink, and a white bolero with zippers that match the black mask. Eeeeh. It's pretty but kinda unimpressive in every way imaginable. It weirdly makes the model look square. GAH there's this ugly black zipper like right in the middle of the back and it...IT OPENS TO NOWHERE! the hell is that thing? In case you get a sweaty back and you can unzip it and get a gaping vagina-like hole in your back? Ick.

6) Haha, AJ's is cute, if a little derivative. He has a nice navy polka-dot dress with some tulle coming out the side and a crazy collar. It actually matches really well with his beige...carton thing that's the hat. Like a deranged old lady on the french riviera. I like it.

7) Oooh, Andy rocked it out AGAIN, even though he has immunity. He made a fuchsia jacket with GIANT sleeves and giant neckline (Andy likes to go BIG, doesn't he?) and he has the big white circle with a featehr down the middle. Not what i expected with the hat, but I like it. He's really very good with volume and strange silhouettes.

8) Feh. Ivy made another Working Girl outfit of a cream top and a white pencil skirt. It looks like crazy Secretary picked up a random hat at the office Crazy Hat Party because her boss made her do it, and flopped it on her head but she'll still be Super Serious about it. Ivy's designs are so, so boring. "I need to get over myself" she says. At least she's honest.

9) Holy hideous fuck of hideousness. April's diaper comes out. There's pink and black fabric coming out of it so that she looks like she's spilling AND IT IS SO GROSS. She really had an ugly hat. She has a nice black top but that WHITE DIAPER looks so wrong and contrasts too much and it is seriously ugly. Nina looks like she wants to set it on fire.

10) Christopher's is pretty baddass. She looks like a rock-and-roll widow. I'm kinda iffy about the dropped-crotch leggings but damn that print might get him the win. Also looks gorgeous with the hat. Very cute. It's very dark, but I like it. *

*(It's either me or the judges who were on crack and I know I AM CLEAN AND MOSTLY SOBER)

11) Blegh. Peach, like I said before, made an outfit for a Starlet. One with a really bad stylist. It's so boring and Lunch Girl and horrible print and not fitting with the weirdass feathered hat she got. I don't get it. I don't see the inspiration or anything.

12) Oh geez. Casanova made a black dress fit for Julia Roberts. It's so an Angelina or Julia dress. He could have done SO MUCH with that gorgeous hat. But he made a floppy, matronly black dress with long sleeves. He drives me insane and isn't even funny anymore. GO HOME.

13) Mondo continues to be INSANE. He made these...giant polka dot pants (the dots are giant, not the pants) with like...printed gold cloth along the seams. And a super purple top. I LOVE the mustache on the model and her weird crab-like hat. It's so weird. I can see some crazy starlet wearing the bizarro clown pants.

Hmm... OK, to be honest I wasn't terribly impressed with anyone, but here's my top three: Christopher, AJ and...oh, I'll say Michael D because his was the most innovative, and it made me laugh.

Bottom three: April (to go home), Casanova and Kristin.

JUDGING TIME!
-Aaaand here's where the train left the sanity path and made a straight detour to CRAZY FUCKING CRACKTOWN.

-April, Michael D, Christopher, Michael C, Valerie, Kristin are called to stay. Huh, they called Valerie and MC? Weird. But YAY, NO GRETCHEN!

-I love Michael D's, it looks like some really bizarre architectural thing. And it's weird how well the corrugated cardboard works with the hat. The skirt is really cute too. The texture of the whole thing is very good. The judges love it and are really impressed. I think he used the hat the best, and he should win.

-Kristin. Ick ick ick, that dress is a mess. Blood Vomit Dress. Kors says there's no correlation between the hat and dress, and that the black satin was a terrible idea. It doesn't fit, and I think Kristin just has NO idea how to fit or how to sew or how to make a good silhouette. She could have done SO MUCH MORE. They really butcher her and it. There's a weird moment where Heidi meanly points out that Kristin isn't saying much, but what do they want? If you defend yourself too much they think you're bitchy, if you don't...and also they already said they hated her. What COULD she say? stupid judges.

-Christopher says that he contrasted the points in his hat to the soft of the dress. Heidi says it's too dark and sad. Aw, but I LIKE IT. Wow, the judges don't like it. I'm completely shocked at how much they HATE it. Ick, the leggings are kinda weird, and it would've looked better without them. But still, the level of dislike is really over the top to me. They just hate everything about it, and seem to hate Chris for some reason. I think the styling is where it went wrong, but jeebus. It really doesn't deserve such a harsh critique. Damn. I still like the dress and the print. I do agree that he went a little overboard, but jeebus. What is wrong with these people, that they let Casanova get by with that derivative piece of shit but called out Michael?! Grr.

I'd also like to point out that Tim Gunn loved it. And TIM GUNN IS NOT WRONG. God I can't wait to see what he says about these shenanigans.

-And here's where I completely GIVE UP because they looooooooooooved Michael C's dress. I fucking give up. I mean, it's a cute dress and a nice color but COME ON. Seriously, you love it this much? The FUCK! The designers back stage are as confused as I am and wondering why he's in the top 3, when it was so safe a dress. Which it totally was. I still don't think it matches the hat, and I think it's really boring, and ugh. I give up.

*throws hands in the air*

-April. Jeebus this is hideous. That diaper short is terrible. What is that TEXTURE. Ill-fitted triple panty. hee. Kors says that he layered the panties to take one off during your trip when you needed it. HEEEE. He goes "OOOH NOOOOO" in that Kors voice, and I crack up. Phillip says it was too simple.

-I am so at odds with the judges today. They love Valerie's, and I'm happy for her, I guess. Honestly, it was just kind of boring to me. They're really loving the safe stuff this time. Phil really doesn't agree with the judges on that one, and I love him for it.

THE CRACKHEADS DELIBERATE
-I think Phil is really disappointed by all of them. Like he wanted to see HUGE things which...I kind of did too, and maybe this would've been better as a later challenge, with more time, as a couture challenge with fewer designers. Maybe I was expecting too much, but...still. Too bad. Sorry, Phil. They're not Galliano, I guess.

-The backstage people are surprised about their dislike for Chris' dress, and hey ME TOO. I think the styling was wrong, but it was seriously not that bad. April cries and I think it's understandable, considering she's just starting out in the business. But honey, triple panty? No no no.

-They don't like Christopher. OK, so it was overly designed but saying he has NO TASTE? The hell? Baaaah. They can't kick him out. STOP SMOKING YOUR OWN HAIR HEIDI KLUM. STOP SNIFFING THE TANNER FUMES, KORS. NINA STOP EATING BABIES AND PUPPIES. UGH.

-Kristin should go home. It looked like a destroyed prom dress. It's the fabric, I think. Nina tries vaguely to defend her but kinda fails.

-Triple Panty Problem. Good band name. The jacket was nice. They like that at least she didn't go for a little dress. Wouldn't it be helpful to, like, TELL THEM THAT, judges? They're never gonna know what the fuck you want if you don't tell them! or if you continue to smoke noxious fumes!

-They call Michael C's effortless. That's because it was really easy AND HE PUT NO EFFORT INTO IT YOU FUCKHATS. AND it was kind of accidental. I don't know. I really like him, and the dress was cute, but I don't LOVE it as much as the judges do.

-Phillip really doesn't like Val's dress, saying it's not stylish. I agree. It's incredibly simple and the color is dead. The others like it. They say it was fun. I think it was boring, and safe, and didn't go with the hat.

-The more I look at Michael D's the more I love it. The judges say it was very different and it definitely is. I want the hat. I could wear it when I went walking and be all "I AM THE SUN, BITCHES. GET OUT OF MY WAY".

DECISION TIME
-I predict: MD for the win, Terry for the GO HOME. Though it might be Chris for being on the bottom 3 twice, though it's totally unfair this time.

-Go Valerie! top 3 in all three challenges. She's safe. Michael C wins and he starts crying and I give up on trying to predict anything anymore. Good for him, though I think MD should've taken it. I like his change from miserable to super happy.

-LOL Ivy goes insane with "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK" screaming but it turns out she's just pissed that she's not top three and now I hate her because ARE YOU SERIOUS?

-And I think ONCE AGAIN the other guys are confused by the judges' decision. ME TOO. Like they're not very enthusiastic about MC's win, though they seem to like him.

-Gretchen says he's derivative and not creative and I WANT TO SHOOT HER IN THE STUPID HAIR. YOU MADE A BLACK DRESS AND A JUMPSUIT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Though Ivy, you don't deserve to be anywhere near the top, so shut the fuck up, too. God, these bitches.

-Yay Chris is in. Better rock it out next time, dude. I think if April had gone with a full-on swimwear thing it would've worked wonders with the hat. Alas. I can see where she was going with it, at least.

-But the same can't be said for Kristin, who is out, and it's fitting. I hated just about everything she did. She says she's relieved, though sad.

-Then there's this really weird tag where I thought something would happen, but it's just the designers in the apartment, talking shit about not liking Michael C's win. Pretty much everyone agrees that the judges are crackin' the hard stuff.

-I mean just...so far in the season they've done OK with the losers (except for Nicholas) but with the winners? So, so crackheaded. And methy. If I were one of the contestants I'd be so confused, because they can't make up their minds as to what the fuck they want and are rewarding people who really don't deserve it.

I also can't believe that Tim Gunn won't do his blog of awesomeness for two weeks. I'd love to hear what he has to say about this week's insanity.

I mean, please tell me I'm not the only one who disagreed completely with the win this time, or with the judges' hating on Christopher's work so much. I'm perfectly ready to admit I can be wrong but reading over this I don't think I was THAT wrong. I still think the judges are being way too harsh or too good to people who don't deserve it.

Tim did warn us. Always listen to Tim Gunn. There was woefully little of him this week, wasn't there? Boo. Anyway, I'm out.

Edit: His name is Phillip Treacy. It's not my fault that it sounds like Tracy. And I knew it was misspelled somehow, so, whatevs.