Monday, May 31, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 6 (and some other stuff)

Happy Memorial Day, everyone! I know it's a bit weird to some people to hear "Happy Memorial Day!" because it seems to kind of conflict with the idea of the thing, but it's just something you say. Most people are out barbecuing (thanks, spellcheck) or enjoying the last bits of spring when they can actually be outside and not melt inside 5 minutes. I'm at home as usual, MrFig has the day off and we're doing...well, nothing. As is our wont. I'm blogging and he's playing videogames. I think we might watch The Two Towers later, because what's a better way to waste 4 hours than a 4 hour movie! none, I tell you. Then I might bake some pork chops and make a potato salad so that I won't feel completely useless. We might just leave the house to pick up some groceries we forgot to get (I need to improve my list-making skills), like tapioca so I can make a cherry pie. Very American. We might go to the pool. Probably not, though, because I'm cramping and cranky. Crampking.

And in the spirit of not really doing anything, I'm gonna continue with Project Pain and give myself something to read and complain about. I'm in the mood for snarking. Meanwhile, here is a random list of things I might do today in addition to bitching about Bella and Ed:

1) finish my drawing so I can start painting it. I'm kind of terrified to do this.
2) make pie.
3) Play the Super Nintendo version of Prince of Persia, because it is awesome and frustrating as anything. And it'll help me forget that there's a movie out there right now bastardizing the name.
4) POOL. I'm trying to psych myself into doing ALL THE WORK that going to the pool requires (ugh, so much effort to relax)
5) watch some more telenovelas on youtube.
6) imagine a giant bbq party with burgers and hot dogs right off the grill
7) think about how Honduras is flooding like mad again, because we never learn or do anything about fixing everything that got fucked up last time it rained this hard (last year at the exact same time because IT IS CALLED RAINY SEASON FOR A REASON)
8) laundry? eeeh...
9) take a shower at some point

Alright, I'll do one chapter of The Pain.


Starter Notes: While reading over my notes I realized that this is where I started calling Stephanie Meyers "Poop". No, really. I'm that mature. But it was shorter to write and it's a lot easier to remember how to spell it. I realize how very childish this is, and possibly offensive, but then, who gives a crap (hyuck)? I'm not exactly going for literary genius here. Plus she deserves it. It's not even that funny and it's certainly bitchy, but there you go. I might stop. Or not.

Probably not.


Fast n Hard:
The beach trip that we've been hearing about for three ages finally happens. Some kids from the local Native American tribe come along, and Bella meets Jacob Black. Bella manages to coerce Jacob into telling her some of the local legends concerning werewolves and vampires ("cold ones", snerk), because he drops some hints about the Cullens. She is of course enthralled, and finally starts putting the pieces together as to what her precious Eddie might really be. Because she's very, very slow.

Real Time Notes:
-School. Edward's not there, she's miserable. People keep trying to be friendly for some reason. In my experience, most High School kids will give the new girl a chance, but if she's as obnoxious and unfriendly as Bella is? Shunned for life. So these kids are just idiots, which just serves makes sure that no one is more interesting than Bella or the Cullens. Good job, Poop.

- Beach Day is finally here. They meet up at some store and we meet a bunch of kids that I'm sure we don't need to care about, because Bella sure doesn't.

-They get to the beach and it sounds pretty.

-Some of them go hiking, but Bella's afraid of tripping. Sheesh, woman. At one point you stop being adorably clumsy and just become an idiot who can't stand upright without falling.

- Oh, God. I have to quote this whole thing because IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. It''s...oh god, just look:

"The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return."

Hey, Poop? My 16-year old Writer-Wannabe Self called. She said you're trying too hard and you're embarrassing yourself. TOO MUCH. AUGH MY BRAIN. I almost feel bad for her, thinking this shit is profound. It's the stuff that makes writing teachers weep into their coffee because their life isn't long enough to teach kids to not write like this, ever. It's painful. It makes kittens cry and babies poop in shame. Waugh.

- Sigh. Moving on. Some of the reservation boys come visit and we meet Jacob. He is pretty young and of course gorgeous (as any suitor to Bella must be), with perfect skin, pretty eyes and cheekbones up to there. There's of course a 'ding ding!' moment when he sees Bella, because she smells of butterflies and looks like a precious cupcake with rainbows.

- "You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"
It was like the first day of school all over again.
"Bella," I sighed."


- So he's all into Bella because every male in the vicinity has to be. You know, every single time I read of a character like this all I can think of is Heath Ledger in 10 Things About You, when he finds out that about 10 guys want to sleep with this one chick, so he asks "What is it with this chick? she got beer-flavored nipples or what?"

YEAH, OR WHAT. God, I loathe this type of character. So much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

- Someone mentions how the Cullens don't go to the beach and Bella is of course all curious and wants to con Jacob into telling her something; she does this by flirting. Heh. And because he's a sad teenage boy he falls for it.

- ""Another legend claims that we descended from wolves — and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."

Heh. Spoiler alert: Jacob's tribe is made up of a bunch of werewolves.

"Then there are the stories about the cold ones."


- The Indian tribe has ONE ENEMY and they call them "The Cold Ones". But there's one clan that the Indians made a pact with, so that they (the vampires) wouldn't come to the Indian lands. This bunch of vampire Cold Ones claimed that they didn't eat humans, but that it's sometimes 'dangerous' for them to be around the meat puppets. OMG JUST LIKE EDWARD SAID--COULD IT BE?! GASP!

- "Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."


- "I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting."

You know, Bella's kind of gross.

Final Impressions: Meh. There's some interesting stuff with the legends, but it's all done in so clunky a manner that it's just an information dump so that Bella can finally figure some stuff out. I did like Jacob, though, if only because he seems vaguely more interesting and nice than any other boys surrounding Bella, including ol' Eddie Sparkles. It's just too bad that he actuallylikes Bella.

Final Grade: C for not sucking too much, but not being very good either.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Pain: Chapters 4 and 5

Apologies for the delay. I know that, if you're like me and have nothing better to do, you must be sitting there yelling curses at me through the screen because WHY WON'T YOU UPDATE ALREADY?

No, that's just me? well, then. Fine. Be that way.

BUT if you want to know I have no better excuse than I've had a crazy few days. The Lost finale left me emotionally hungover (I couldn't really sleep on Sunday) and hungover the real way, what with the forty thousand or so margaritas I downed during the show. I was gonna post a whole rant about the finale, but everyone and their cousin has already done that, so I'll just say that I still like it and I plan to watch the entire show from the start this summer. And make my husband watch it too, bwah. it's his punishment for only watching the last season, the cheater.

Wait, this was supposed to be a Twilight post. So I'll get on that. Just wanted to add a thanks to all the people who have said something about Project Pain outside the blog. I thought that with the lack of comments no one was reading, but I suppose most people just don't comment on blogs. I know I don't. But, anyway, thanks for reading and for your encouragement. One of the main reasons for doing this thing is that I know people might be curious about the books and want to read them, so I'm doing a public service by a) taking the pain for you, b) not giving S.Meyers more money when you buy her books (I borrowed mine), c) making it fun. So, you know, YOU'RE WELCOME.

....And I just lost a couple of readers. I'm sorry. I woke up cranky this morning.

Shit. Stop talking. Get to recapping.

[Warning: there's a lot of quotes her but I HAD to because I'm scared some of you won't believe me unless I provide proof.]


Fast n' Hard Summary:

Klutz (Bella) dreams and thinks about Edward a lot. A LOT. She thinks he hates her (because he saved her?). There's gonna be a dance and a couple of dudes who don't matter ask her to go. She says no. She goes to school. She thinks about Edward. She does PE and flails. She thinks about Edward. She eats. She thinks about Edward. She cooks dinner for her dad. She thinks about Edward. One day Edward talks to her OMG and offers her a ride to Seattle so he's not so mean anymore. That's it. Oh, she thinks about Edward some more.

Real Time Notes:

-"After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach."

OK here's where I spoil things a bit, because of how I know the story and what not: EDWARD IS SNEAKING INTO HER ROOM AT NIGHT AND STARING AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS, THE FREAK. No, I am NOT kidding. NO, I AM NOT. You'll see!

Let that sink in for a bit. Of course we don't know this yet but just...ick.

- She mentions how no one ever talks to Edward--but I'd like to point out that it's him that never talks to anyone because he's a stuck-up little bitch (and he can read minds, though we don't know that yet) with his gorgeous family. So she thinks he's special, like her. Except he hates her, waah!

-Jeebus this chick is such a victim. She just has this ridiculous low self-esteem for no reason at all--she has a dad who loves her, she's smart, apparently men are flocking to her and girls want to be her friends WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?! But she never does anything about anything, just whines and wonders why EDWARD hates her. Screw everybody else.

-I don't know why she can't just say 'days passed' instead of describing every single day in great detail. Edward has freaky eyes that change color. They're now back to like, pissy yellow,, and that seems to indicate he's being "nice".

- There's a 'girl's choice' dance happening at the school. Jess wants to invite Mike, but Mike wants to invite Bella. It doesn't matter though, because Meyers writes these kids as such complete losers (to make Bella look better) that we don't have to care about them one bit.

-Blah, blah, Mike wants Bella to ask him for some reason. She miraculously feels sort of sorry for him. Edward's right next to them giving them bitch eyes. If this were a sane girl she'd ask him what the fuck his problem was, but they just stare at each other.

-"My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot."

*snort* Why didn't we get this in the movie?

-Mike, Eric AND Tyler ask Bella to the dance because WHY?! WHY! WHYYYYYYY WOULD ANYONE LIKE THIS GIRL?!

-Edward sees her rejecting Tyler and cracks up. He's an asshole and she loves him.

-Then Bella cooks and this happens in her stupid little head:

"Of course he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect…and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand."

Holy God strike me down because this is just too much to handle.

- Blah blah, she makes dinner, she talks to Charlie about going to Seattle and it's really boring. Man this woman doesn't spare mundane details.

-So she goes to school, Edward's there being really annoying and suave and gorgeous and whatever. If he weren't so pretty, wouldn't she hate him too? Anyway.

"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.

And you are utterly an asshole. I mean, you're RIGHT, but still.

-"It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."

Heh. Not bad, I guess.

"His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe."

Aaand you ruined it.

- OK, done. How cliche is that "stay away from me, I'm DANGEROUS!" line, anyway? From the Hulk to the Wolfman to Sparklette over here. Sigh. Don't they KNOW that that'll only make the dumbass chick want them more? Don't they read? stupid conflicted heroes.

Final Impression:
Bella's still a boring, insecure idiot. Edward is just that type of charming gorgeous guy that chicks are supposed to go crazy for but that I stopped caring about when I realized most of them were assholes. He makes Bella feel even more inadequate than she already does, but he likes her and he's pretty so she likes him even more. It's really pretty sickening.

Final Grade: F for Fucking Wrong and giving girls terrible role models.

[Ready for more? this one's blissfully short]


More mindless school and talk of weather because Mike wants a trip to the beach. Edward is sitting by himself in the cafeteria and calls Bella so they can talk and stare at each other. He says how he's not to be trusted, etc, only making her want him more. Bella then goes to Biology, where they're doing blood-type tests and Edward isn't there. Bella freaks out at the sight of blood (AWESOME) and nearly faints. Mike takes her to the nurse, then Edward takes her from him and carries her, then they leave in his car. He is pretty some more.

Real-Time Notes:

- HA! so she goes to lunch and Ed is sitting there by himself being all creepy motioning with his finger and WINKING. Oy, Ed. Aren't you super old? And you're luring a young girl to you with WINKING. CREEP.

-"It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up."

Heehee...OK I totally get that because didn't we all think our crushes were perfect back then? Hell, I still think that about John Hamm. He looks like a comic book pilot.

- He's still all mysterious and of course she loves it. Keeps warning her about how horrible he is but not saying anything, so of course the chick is all intrigued.

- So she finally tells him he's annoying and he gets all hurt and grimacing and whatever. DUDE, I know you can't read her mind but don't be an IDIOT. You've been around how many years and you still know nothing about teenage girls? You fail at EVERYTHING.

-He offers her food.

"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.


- "Please tell me just one little theory [about what she thinks he is]." His eyes still smoldered at me."

Oh, god. Kill me. Also "smoldering" is in the List of Words That Must be Contained Within a Romance Novel. Along with things like "throbbing" and "heaving" and "shaft". But this is a Mormon writing this so alas, no throbbing shafts.

- We join Bella in Biology class and honestly, I detested biology in school and now I have to read about it? Good God. They're figuring out their blood types and OH I WONDER WHY ED ISN'T HERE.

-Bella gets all dizzy, much like I would, so I get that. It's wussy but what the hell. Needles freak me out.

-So he picks her up after Mike takes her outside because of course he does. Because that will TOTALLY help with her dizzyness, you twit. Bella! puke on him ! come on! be a woman! PUKE ON HIM!

But, no, she just goes to the nurse and it's really boring. Lame.

-So Ed gets Dullard out of going to class and decides to take her home. She doesn't want to go in his car so HE PULLS HER BY THE JACKET TOWARDS HIS CAR. Oh, implied violence, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.

-He has a CD playing Debussy in the car and he's all amazed that she knows it because DEBUSSY IS SO OBSCURE, obviously. They are SO meant to be!

- "Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious."

WE GET IT HE IS REALLY PRETTY. I need to start a list of all the synonyms for 'pretty' that Meyer uses. It's so completely unnecessary to keep hammering this point over and over again, but she still does it because maybe we're idiots like her and will forget, when that is ALL THAT EDWARD IS. Blergh.

Final Impression:
Edward is "charming" and superstrong and we're all supposed to have a massive crush on him already. Listen, I get that young girls love this shit, but there are actual grown women out there who LOVE this guy. It's so weird and creepy. Also weird and creepy? Edward is like 200 years old and going for a teenage girl. I just find it so bizarre and unromantic, along with the many other weird things about this character.

Final Grade: C- because things are at least starting to move along now.

Tune-in next time for Ed and Klutz's Adventures in Falling In Tweeny Love.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


So, I just wanted to get this down before (and if) I ever change my mind:

I'm drunk, but I think I'm still in my brains enough to know that I LOVED the way Lost was resolved. Specially the 'sideways timeline'. There were a lot of things that weren't answered but to be honest at this point I didn't expect every answer. I think I
m actually satisfied.

And the ending was SO SAD and so heartbreaking but somehow SO PERFECT for this show that I just cried and loved it. It really brought it all home with the music and oh god so sad. But so fitting

So there.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Pain: Chapters 2 and 3

Onwards, soldiers in pain! Someone should've warned me that this shit just gets more painful after Ed and Klutz (her new name) meet. Not that it was very interesting before, what with the "I came home and changed into shorts. Then I made a sandwich. Then I washed the dishes. Then I stood in silence for 10 minutes" thing. But at least we didn't have Klutz freaking out over every single thing Sparkles did; specially when 90% of what he does is stand there and look pretty.

I'm getting ahead of myself, however. I'm barely on Chapter 2 of Project Pain. I think I can get 2 in here so let's move it along.


Fast n' Hard (ie:Quick Summary):

Klutz goes to school, she has classes. She comes home, emails her mom. She talks with her dad. She goes to school again and she and Sparkles look at each other a lot. They have science and they do a lab and he's suddenly NICE OMG SO IN LOVE WITH HIS PERFECTION. They do *science*.

Seriously, that's it.

Real Time Notes:

-Bella goes to school and frankly, I'm amazed she remembers people's names. Hee...the rest of her day sounds like my 9th grade journal "I went to trig and the professor called me and it was SO UNFAIR!"

I wonder if this is where the tweens go "SHE IS JUST LIKE ME!!11"

- Edward's not in school and she's all obsessed. Creepy. She's seriously freaking out over him not being there even after he had treated her like shit. A normal person would be GLAD.

-This detailed description of her day is just so boring. Where are the bloodsuckers? Where's the lust and the blood and the boobs? Ugh, if this were True Blood someone would be having sex in the bleachers by now.

-Oh good god we get an email exchange. Just like three pages of BIG COMPUTER FONT of stupid emails between her and her mom. Jeebus.

-She reads Wuthering Heights for the 'fun of it'. Good God, I couldn't even read that book out of self punishment. But it's so PERFECT for her because...come on. Wuthering Fuckin' Heights, indeed.

-God this is boring. She goes to school, it snows, Edward's not there, blah blah. Next day (or the same? I lost track from not caring) he's there.

They start shooting furtive glances at each other. Ugh. Mike is following her around and I hate him too.

-"His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips."

DAZZLING. That is the most dumbass description I've ever heard in my life. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE IN THIS GOOD EARTH. *STAB*

Lady, do you know what "dazzling" means? Let's research.

"–verb (used with object)
to overpower or dim the vision of by intense light: He was dazzled by the sudden sunlight.
to impress deeply; astonish with delight: The glorious palace dazzled him."


-Now Dazzler is all friendly to her in biology. He has an "enchanting laugh". Heehee.

"Or I could start, if you wish." The smile faded; he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent."

Oh man. I cackled. Because NO EDWARD SHE IS NOT.

-She notices his eyes changed color. Now they look like butterscotch. Mmm, I'm hungry all of a sudden.

-He asks about her mom because he cares. Then he says this:

"His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

And Bella is all OMG HE KNOWS ME SO WELL <3

-He has "ultrawhite teeth", apparently, and I LOVE IT. EDWARD GO EASY ON THE WHITENING JESUS THOSE THINGS ARE BLINDING. It's like that episode of Friends where Ross whitens his teeth and they glow in the dark.

Final Impression:
Listen, I know I'm not the ideal demographic for this shit, but do 16 year olds really dig a book about a bitchy girl who gives mundane details of her day? I know I didn't. Or is it just the appeal of Edward, who's your Perfect Man Archetype with the beauty and the mystery and the niceness? Must be it. To be frank he seems like a bit of a dud to me, specially for someone who's immortal. But, whatever, young girls like the harmless dude. Anyway. Bella's still annoying and Ed is pretty.

Final Grade: F for Fucking Boring.

One more? This one's pretty short.

(ie: Bella's stupidity is phenomenal!)

Fast and Hard:
Klutz goes to school and is almost crushed by a car, but Ed performs a miraculous superhuman save and she grows suspicious. She is taken to the hospital and meets Edward's dad, DrGorgeous Cullen. She's ungrateful and wants to know why Edward saved her, he says nothing, she goes home and dreams of him. Ick.

Real-Time Notes:

-She wakes up, has breakfast, wants to see Edward. I remember feeling like this when I was crushing on a boy, so can't really hate her for it. But I don't remember ever being intrigued by a guy who seemed like an emotional, bipolar douchebag. To each their own, I guess.

- "Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress."

No, Bella. No one ever thinks that about clumsy people, except maybe characters in cheap romance novels. Clumsiness is not a personality trait, it just makes you laughable. Also, stop projecting, Stephanie Meyer.

- A car almost crashes into Bella in the parking lot but Edward MIRACULOUSLY saves her (he was far away, then apparently zoomed to her side in a second). This is the point where anyone would wonder if they're a superhero of some sort. Bella wonders, and he lies about how he was standing right next to her (not possible simply because she would've been hyperventilating).

-"He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! THIS BITCH DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO USE A THESAURUS. I read this to my husband and he cracked up and said "maybe he's like Cyclops in X-Men" and SERIOUSLY. A hurricane is devastating you dumb fucking bimbo. "Devastating" does NOT imply something GOOD.

- They take her to the hospital and for some damn reason Edward comes along, so of course she's all freaked out.

-Edward's dad, the gorgeous doctor, Doctor GorgeousCullen, comes gliding in and he's gorgeous. He's gorgeous, ok?

-She's alright, so Ed decides to take her home. She tries to confront him about the magic van-saving incident. Blah blah he refuses to tell the truth, she harrasses him. He's pretty, they scowl at each other, etc.

-Seriously, she's angry that he saved her because he was so mean before and now he's nice and WHY EDWARD WHY. She's a completely ungrateful bitch, but we sort of knew that already.

"That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen."

Ah, shit.


Final Impressions:
So this is where we first start to suspect that there's something wrong with Edward. Bella's understandably intrigued, but she acts all bratty about it because that's her way. At least the Bella-almost-dying part was fun, and Edward got somewhat interesting. I, for one, would like to forget these two and get with Dr.Gorgeous, but whatever.

Final Grade: B- for something finally happening.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The (Twilight) Pain: Part 1

Last time I announced my new project to recap the Twilight books chapter by chapter. You can read more about my motivations in the previous entry, so I'll just get right into it, after a couple of addendums:

1) The project is hereby named "The Pain"
2) I'll try to post the recaps 5 chapters at a time. The first few are long due to introductions and whatever, but I have a feeling they'll get shorter as we go along.
3) I haven't read a new chapter in about a week, so I don't know how timely these posts might be.
4) I have no idea if these will be worth it. I always think I'm funnier than I really am, but I'll just let go of any expectations for myself and just try to convey the pain and the misery.
5) Like I said before, I read the summaries for these books a while ago, so nothing really comes as a surprise. Needless to say this will be full of spoilers (if one can even spoil such a piece of crap).
6) I'll try and stick to this format: a brief summary of the chapter followed by my 'notes', including quotes and other screamy bits. There's gonna be a lot of all caps.
7) I'm not gonna hold back on petty insults, screaming, poor metaphors, mockery of bad prose and sarcasm. Don't expect much coherence.

I'll stop explaining myself now.

OK. Here we go. I'll do Chapter 1 for now, because I have a lot of notes on that. The others will come in clumps, depending on the length of my notes.



We have a Preface.

"I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me."

I imagine it'd be quite an effort for some people to not breathe across the entire room. But hey at least the hunter looks happy!

Alright, now we get into it properly.

[I seem to have a lot of notes on Chapter 1. I'll post most of them here]


We start out with the basics. Bella Swan (gag. I guess "Pretty" was too obvious for Meyer) is our narrator. She's 16, moving from Phoenix to Forks, a tiny town in rainy Washington to live with her dad. The dad, Charlie, is the police chief and everyone knows him and his bitchy daughter. He buys Bella an old clunky car, she goes to school and meets some kids who are super friendly to her but whom she immediately hates because she is kind of horrible. At lunch she sees the Cullens, a bunch of ridiculously beautiful weirdos who don't talk to anyone, so Bella is immediately drawn to them. Among them is Edward, the prettiest of them all. He's nasty to her in Biology class (he makes a face when she sits down next to him, NICE) and she's all hurt.

Real Time Notes

-Apparently Bella refused to go visit her dad at 14 and made him come down to see her. Lovely girl.

-4 paragraphs in and I'm already attacked by adverb fever.

"I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city."

-"My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines."

Psst, Bella: we don't know what you look like. This means nothing to anyone, you dolt.

-So she says bye to her mom and it's pretty unemotional. They hug, she flies, she's with her dad. Her dad's apparently happy to have her and has her school ready and a car for her. The way she was complaining about her dad earlier made me think he's a monster, but dude's pretty chill and far nicer than she deserves.

-Her dad is the police chief. They talk awkwardly about his friends, whom she can't remember and about how he bought her a car from one of them, which is pretty nice. She remembers to be grateful.

-Bella describes herself as a misfit and says she always feels awkward--like every 16 year old ever, I think. Of course she thinks it's just that she can't relate to people, so there must be something wrong with her. She's just so doom and gloom about it.

-She goes to school the next day, and for some reason we're given very detailed descriptions of things we don't give a shit about--like the Principal's office. It looks like a Principal's Office, woman. Unless this is going to be the scene of some steamy making out, I don't want to hear about it.

-"Isabella Swan" she says to the secretary. Hee. It's like being called "Beautifulia Hummingbird" with the subtlety and the over-the-topness of a harlequin romance. Hmm. I might change my name to that.

-"no one was going to bite me" she says about going into school. HARDEE HAR HAR I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

-Everyone's being super nice to her, but Bella's either terrified or just being a complete bitch. I can't blame her for not talking, I guess (we were all the New Kid once, right?), but the way she describes the people (UGH THEY ARE TALKING TO ME) is pretty gross.

"I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them."

How nice of you.

-Oh, noes. There they are. The Cullens sitting by themselves in the cafeteria. There's Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and of course, Edward. I can hear the Abercrombie store music begin to play. Just so we're all on the same page here: they're vampires but no one knows it.

-They're all pale, weird and gorgeous. A couple look really old, which once again leads me to ask why they need to go to High School at all. She's so OBVIOUSLY describing vampires that it's kind of hilarious. They're all freaky and mysterious and gorgeous and graceful and blah blah blah. They all have strange names and she thinks it's awesome because they're not like the other common losers around here--THEY ARE JUST LIKE HER OMG.

-She calls Edward "beautiful". Like he's a potted plant. Hee.

-So of course Bella likes them; they seem like pretty outsiders just like her.

-Bella goes to Biology and Edward is there. He looks seriously disgusted with her as she walks by. He looks like he smells something bad and I crack up at the mental image of Bella smelling like dookie. WASHINGTON HAS NO SHOWERS.

-She's all hurt. HE WAS SO MEAN (she actually SAYS that). Of course she didn't say a word to him and has been a bitch to everyone around her, so why anyone would want to talk to her is beyond me, but whatever. He doesn't pay attention to her so of course she's totally into him. Also because he's so pretty.

-I don't think "chatterer" is a word, Ms Meyer. So she meets this guy Mike who is nice and sweet to her, so she probably hates him.

-She's all confused that this one stranger doesn't like her (everyone else did!), when she hasn't liked anyone she's met today except the boy who was cute and wasn't fawning over her. Man, she's kind of horrible.

-His face was "absurdly handsome". It's absurd, alright. She goes home and cries into her pillow. This is what this chick calls a bad first day at school? Bitch, you're an idiot.


Final Impressions:

So that was it for Chapter 1. I started out sort of sympathizing and liking Bella, but she quickly grew into a brat who's contemptuous of her fellow classmates. So her day went really well and she almost made friends (she couldn't bother remembering their names, though) and seemed like a good first day to me, but of course the cute guy doesn't like her so she goes home crying. BRAT.

Bella's spoiled and completely self-absorbed. But she's also 16 so I kind of get it, but this is sort of extreme. Meyer's writing isn't horrible, but it's incredibly childish and the whole thing reads like a 16 year old's journal, which might be the point except that I don't think this woman is that good and that's just her mental age. Besides, who wants to read a 16 year old's journal?!

The biggest problem is that it's just incredibly dull. She spends pages and pages describing inconsequential details and the most mundane actions. I half expected to read details of how Bella makes a sandwich. Bella is just not a very engaging character, what with the bitchiness and the wanting to stay away from everybody. It should be a rule that if your narrator is going to be telling us their story, at least make the narrator interesting or likable. We're supposed to be interested in Pretty Edward, but he's kind of a bitch, too. Just not a very good start.

Final Grade: C for a bad start.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Announcing the Pain

So Lost was fucking awesome. But that's not what this post is about.

This is about how I started to read Twilight. I didn't buy it and I don't care.

It's going very slowly. First because I decided to take notes on each chapter, so I can do recaps and post them here for your reading pleasure. Or my own, really, because I'm not sure if anybody reads this. Plus it's really fun to make fun of a book so shitty.

I don't really get the people who say this book is addictive, because I have to force myself to keep reading and I'm only on chapter 7. It's boring me to tears, honestly, as there's only so much I want to read about a bitchy teen's daily lives, so some chapter recaps are gonna be mostly "this shit is boring". But hey, this way you don't have to read it yourself! I'm doing a public service here.

So that's what I'll be posting tomorrow, I think maybe the first five chapters, maybe there'll be pictures. I realize I'm not the first idiot on the internet to do this, but mine will be SPECIAL, coated in that special brand of figgy awesomeness that you all know and love.

The last, and biggest reason to read it is because I, being a Pop Culture Addict, MUST know what the big fucking deal is. I have to know what draws people in to this, and I have to gather some more fuel for the critiques. In the interests of full disclosure, I've read the awesome Cleolinda's Twilight Summaries, so I know just about everything that happens in these damned books. No surprises here, aside from the bad writing and sudden flares of rageyness. Also, I must share the pain with everyone and save you the trouble of ever reading the books yourself out of suicidal curiosity.

So tune in. I hope that, if anything, it'll get me back into the writing groove. I've been feeling rather...incoherent in my writing lately, and for that I blame facebook and the Pajiba message boards. There's something about commenting in quick bouts of capslock that leads to laziness and forgetting about eloquence in favor of a quick note or joke. It's not good for the brains. Must correct that.

My thoughts on Lost, because why the hell not.

The last Tuesday episode of Lost airs tonight, and I'm freaking out just a little bit.

See, I don't think you can understand this unless you've been watching the show since day 1, and haven't missed a single episode on the very night it aired. You don't understand the immense, frustrating journey that this damn show has put us through for the last six years. It's been a hell of not knowing anything, long and horrible hiatuses, scheduling shennanigans and over all a desperate feeling that the writers don't know what the hell they're doing.

And now it's ending and it's a big fucking deal to some of us. I've never been a Lost apologist or anything close to it; anyone that knows me knows that I've screamed "I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW" at my television more times than I can count. I know it has major flaws and that some episodes were utter piles of crap. I know that the dialogue was sometimes clunky and that I don't think I've ever hated a fictional character as much as I hate Kate Austen.

But still, I kept coming back. Because it was just that goddamn addictive. I think it required an awful lot of willpower to have stepped away from this show when it was at its worst (say, that one episode where we found out how Jack got his tattoos...the one with BAI LING in it) and I know people who did that. I couldn't have. Because...well, I have no power when it comes to television, and a show as good as Lost could be sometimes just keeps pulling you back in and won't let you go. Plus, there were a lot of really hot men to look at.

Oh those bastards know what they were doing, alright.

So, tonight is the last weekday episode, and the whopping 2.5-hour finale airs Sunday, and I'm gearing myself up for some serious disappointment. And I have a pretty simple reason for it: I don't trust the writers. Sure, they can be downright brilliant sometimes, but they won't fool me into believing that they had every move calculated before they put it in the show. From experience, I know they're just not that good. If they were, every single episode would feel as compelling and important. Even if something at the end would make most of it make sense it's still just not very smart to leave episodes dangling. What I mean is that for a show to be truly brilliant, for a mystery to be seriously great, you need for every single part to be as important and everything fit.

Now I know it's completely unrealistic to ask that every single question be answered. I know that and I'm not expecting it. I just want to feel like the ending fits. Like it was worth it. I'm prepared to not like the ending, as long as it's not a cop-out. If that makes any sense at all. I just know that we'll be talking about this for months on end. I just hope it's not like The Sopranos or Battlestar Galactica, where most people were left disgusted with everyone involved in the show.

So, just make it good. Make it compelling and make it fun to watch. That's all I want at this point. I don't want every question answered, but I want it to make sense. I want the writers to respect the viewers and not cop-out. I want them to pull out all the stops and leave us completely stunned.

I also want Kate to die, but that's pretty horrible and I know it won't happen but still. I hate that chick.

I'm sad it's ending, but I'm glad the pain will go away. I've never loved or hated a tv show so much in my life, and I suspect I never will again. And for that alone, this show was a complete success to myself and to a lot of people.

Well. There wasn't much point to this post other than I can't stop thinking about tonight's show and I'm going crazy. This is what not having a job does to me: it makes me freak out about things that I know have little importance in the large scheme of things. But that's the fun part, isn't it?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Truly Terrible Television

pre-publication note: I swear I never mean for these entries to be as long as they turn out to be. It just HAPPENS.

Hey! So remember how I said I was gonna do this and then do that thing and it would be wonderful and all that?

I suck at keeping commitments. I'd starve as a blogger.

I keep trying to get myself to write my 'Completely Horrible TV' post, but then I realize that I had only been watching one truly terrible TV show, and it's over now. It probably won't even get a second season, for which I am eternally grateful as the self-disgust will finally end.

But here's a few things I have to say about this one show and the genre in general.

It was this...this...thing, this abomination called High Society, that aired on the CW for about two months. It was a reality show engineered by 'socialite' (ie: pretty NYC blonde with a fuckload of money and no job) Tinsley Mortimer. Apparently it was done so she could revamp her image after her divorce, which seemed to happen because she was, in a few words, somewhat of a famewhore in the terrifying world of NYC 'high society'. The very idea of the show was fascinating and depressing to me. First because, who was this chick? Apparently she considered herself famous enough that she needed an image revamp, but I had never heard of her outside Go Fug Yourself posts that told me she was one of those Pseudo-Famous-For-Nothing Types.

Secondly, I think that at this point in the history of Reality Shows one has to be somewhat of a dribbling idiot to think that they can work to improve someone's image. If anything, it will shatter your reputation. You hear all of these participants claiming that they want to show what they're 'really' like, but... doesn't the very fact that you're participating in a Reality Show prove that what you want more than anything is for people to pay more attention to you? Does it do anything but infringe on this privacy that they claim they want to protect so badly?

I used to be really appalled that people would voluntarily choose to be part of these casts, as if they didn't know what was coming to them. As if they didn't know that the very reason why reality shows are so popular is that they feed us (mostly) unscripted drama and comedy from an entirely safe place. We get to witness the catfights without getting sprayed by thrown drinks. Then, of course, you realize that most, if not all of these participants know (they have to know) exactly what they're getting into. They just want fame badly enough that they'll jump into it gleefully to get their 15 minutes' worth. In the end, the world of the pseudo-celebrity Reality Show is a hellhole from which no one comes out looking well.

But she jumped into it. And by "it" I mean a pile of shit so deep and horrible that she will never, ever recover. Because oh, boy.

See, it wouldn't have been so bad if it had just been Mortimer alone. Sure, she's kind of vapid and silly but she's not a completely horrible person. She's just a bit dim, going around to fundraisers (which all look like they waste more money than they raise), random parties and other such "events". She doesn't have a job, of course, but seems to think it's interesting enough that she has a handbag line, just like every other uber rich girl with zero skills or talents (the handbags, by the way? fucking HIDEOUS). She has "problems" because she recently got divorced and her mother disapproves. So she's just this rich chick, who got some really bad advice to do a show. She's not that bad, just kind of useless.

So it's not her who's despicable, but just about everyone else on the show. Somehow the producers managed to wade through the sewers of New York to find what were probably the three most horrible people that have ever been on television. They don't even seem to know Mortimer really well, which just leads me to think that Tinsley's life was boring enough that the producers had to find someone else to create drama. I have honestly never wanted to slap someone so badly for just being a completely horrible human being.

One was this complete dreg of humanity called something Calderon (I remember only because he shares my second last name). He was gay (an insult to his people) and whiny and a druggie and he wore a bowtie. He threw drinks at people and begged his mom for money to spend on drugs and partying. He would go about getting into trouble and being proud of it, as if his biggest goal in life was to make it onto Page Six, which is just about the saddest life goal I can think of. "High Society", indeed.

There was also someone called Jules, who was all that this other guy was, only she was a heinous racist bitch on top of that. It made me nauseous to watch her, and it was probably during her scenes when I felt the most disgusted with myself for watching the show. But I couldn't look away, because I kept hoping that someone was going to give her some comeuppance at some point. Though, really, I wouldn't have been satisfied unless someone had thrown her off the tallest bridge, so it was kind of a disappointment when all that happened was that she got thrown out of her hotel. She was trash in its most pure form, which just goes to prove that money won't wash all the shit that's intrinsic to you.

The other 'important' one was this praying-mantis looking woman who apparently 'edited' a 'society' magazine and tried very, very hard to get Tinsley's attention by talking shit about her to other people. No one seemed to give a shit about her, which was pretty hilarious. And then Tinsley's mom went off on her and it almost made the whole show worth it.

In fact it would've been much better to just give Tinsley's mom, Dale Mortimer, a show. The woman was hilarious. She was just that Lucille-Bluth-but-less-evil type of rich woman that cracks you up. She seemed about the only person on the show to have her head on somewhat straight, even if she kept pushing Tinsley to get back with her husband, which was really gross after a while. But she was funny and seemed to know that her daughter was making a gigantic mistake and she wanted to do some damage control. You really got a sense that she was disgusted by her daughter's 'friends' and the world that surrounded her, but that at the same time she had no idea what to do about it. Her solution to everything seemed to be to fake your way through everything and remain happy.

But in the end, aside from a few horrible-person moments and Dale's mom, the show was pretty damn boring and depressing. Tinsley just kind of wandered about looking lost and confused, and the other people were just different levels of disgusting. If nothing else, it served to show that the people in the upper class (but not truly high class--ie, the beyond billionaires who would sniff down their noses at these dregs) must lead truly terrible lives. The great part was that the three pondscummed monsters in the cast kept trying to tell us all to writhe in envy of everything that they had. Because obviously going out to party every night, getting drunk, getting into fights and being completely wretched in every single possible way is everyone's dream. It was all done so desperately (ENVY ME! ENVY ME! PLEASE FEEL *SOMETHING* TOWARDS ME) that you ended up almost feeling sorry for people so completely disconnected from reality. The problem is that you can't have sympathy for monsters, and you can only hope that they'll end up exiled to a third world country slum never to be heard from again.

Now, the big question. Why did I watch? And my answer is that I don't quite know. It didn't even go on for that long, and it wasn't even that good for the drama. I'm sick to death of the Shows About Rich People, and I've vowed never to watch one, so why this one?

I don't know. I think I was just bored and I wanted something to yell at once ANTM was over. And there's just something about watching a trainwreck like Tinsley Mortimer make a fool of herself on TV. It was all terribly scripted, and if I had known how boring it would get I wouldn't watch it again. But it looked kind of silly in the previews and I love a good fight between horrible people (isn't that why people watch The Real World?). Plus, we all know I'm a sucker for punishment. At least it made for a blog entry?

But, anyway, now that's all over. Tinsley Mortimer can go back to showing up at random events and trying to sell her horrible handbags while she can. The other people can go back to the cesspool from which they spawned and I can go back to ignoring the fact that they exist.

And beyond that, there's always the hope in me that after seeing these monsters on television, the young and stupid kids who keep wanting fame for fame's sake might be a little dissuaded. Because if this is what money and the high life do to you, you're probably better off keeping that job at the supermarket and actually doing something for a living. You might remain human.

And maybe, just maybe, the shitty ratings this show got means the beginning of the end for the Pseudo-Celebrity Reality Show. And the Rich People Doing Things Genre, because it's frankly insulting.

Hey, at least I know I'm not missing anything by not being a multi-billionaire. It's nice when a show teaches you to appreciate what you have and to be grateful for not being surrounded by absolute monsters and have to call them your friends. Aw, some good came of this after all! I like happy endings.