The Pain: Chapter 6 (and some other stuff)

Happy Memorial Day, everyone! I know it's a bit weird to some people to hear "Happy Memorial Day!" because it seems to kind of conflict with the idea of the thing, but it's just something you say. Most people are out barbecuing (thanks, spellcheck) or enjoying the last bits of spring when they can actually be outside and not melt inside 5 minutes. I'm at home as usual, MrFig has the day off and we're doing...well, nothing. As is our wont. I'm blogging and he's playing videogames. I think we might watch The Two Towers later, because what's a better way to waste 4 hours than a 4 hour movie! none, I tell you. Then I might bake some pork chops and make a potato salad so that I won't feel completely useless. We might just leave the house to pick up some groceries we forgot to get (I need to improve my list-making skills), like tapioca so I can make a cherry pie. Very American. We might go to the pool. Probably not, though, because I'm cramping and cranky. Crampking.

And in the spirit of not really doing anything, I'm gonna continue with Project Pain and give myself something to read and complain about. I'm in the mood for snarking. Meanwhile, here is a random list of things I might do today in addition to bitching about Bella and Ed:

1) finish my drawing so I can start painting it. I'm kind of terrified to do this.
2) make pie.
3) Play the Super Nintendo version of Prince of Persia, because it is awesome and frustrating as anything. And it'll help me forget that there's a movie out there right now bastardizing the name.
4) POOL. I'm trying to psych myself into doing ALL THE WORK that going to the pool requires (ugh, so much effort to relax)
5) watch some more telenovelas on youtube.
6) imagine a giant bbq party with burgers and hot dogs right off the grill
7) think about how Honduras is flooding like mad again, because we never learn or do anything about fixing everything that got fucked up last time it rained this hard (last year at the exact same time because IT IS CALLED RAINY SEASON FOR A REASON)
8) laundry? eeeh...
9) take a shower at some point

Alright, I'll do one chapter of The Pain.

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Starter Notes: While reading over my notes I realized that this is where I started calling Stephanie Meyers "Poop". No, really. I'm that mature. But it was shorter to write and it's a lot easier to remember how to spell it. I realize how very childish this is, and possibly offensive, but then, who gives a crap (hyuck)? I'm not exactly going for literary genius here. Plus she deserves it. It's not even that funny and it's certainly bitchy, but there you go. I might stop. Or not.

Probably not.

CHAPTER 6: SCARY STORIES
[Not]

Fast n Hard:
The beach trip that we've been hearing about for three ages finally happens. Some kids from the local Native American tribe come along, and Bella meets Jacob Black. Bella manages to coerce Jacob into telling her some of the local legends concerning werewolves and vampires ("cold ones", snerk), because he drops some hints about the Cullens. She is of course enthralled, and finally starts putting the pieces together as to what her precious Eddie might really be. Because she's very, very slow.

Real Time Notes:
-School. Edward's not there, she's miserable. People keep trying to be friendly for some reason. In my experience, most High School kids will give the new girl a chance, but if she's as obnoxious and unfriendly as Bella is? Shunned for life. So these kids are just idiots, which just serves makes sure that no one is more interesting than Bella or the Cullens. Good job, Poop.

- Beach Day is finally here. They meet up at some store and we meet a bunch of kids that I'm sure we don't need to care about, because Bella sure doesn't.

-They get to the beach and it sounds pretty.

-Some of them go hiking, but Bella's afraid of tripping. Sheesh, woman. At one point you stop being adorably clumsy and just become an idiot who can't stand upright without falling.

- Oh, God. I have to quote this whole thing because IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. It's...it's...oh god, just look:

"The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return."

Hey, Poop? My 16-year old Writer-Wannabe Self called. She said you're trying too hard and you're embarrassing yourself. TOO MUCH. AUGH MY BRAIN. I almost feel bad for her, thinking this shit is profound. It's the stuff that makes writing teachers weep into their coffee because their life isn't long enough to teach kids to not write like this, ever. It's painful. It makes kittens cry and babies poop in shame. Waugh.

- Sigh. Moving on. Some of the reservation boys come visit and we meet Jacob. He is pretty young and of course gorgeous (as any suitor to Bella must be), with perfect skin, pretty eyes and cheekbones up to there. There's of course a 'ding ding!' moment when he sees Bella, because she smells of butterflies and looks like a precious cupcake with rainbows.

- "You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"
It was like the first day of school all over again.
"Bella," I sighed."

GOD FORBID PEOPLE ASK YOU YOUR NAME, YOU DUMB BROAD.

- So he's all into Bella because every male in the vicinity has to be. You know, every single time I read of a character like this all I can think of is Heath Ledger in 10 Things About You, when he finds out that about 10 guys want to sleep with this one chick, so he asks "What is it with this chick? she got beer-flavored nipples or what?"

YEAH, OR WHAT. God, I loathe this type of character. So much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

- Someone mentions how the Cullens don't go to the beach and Bella is of course all curious and wants to con Jacob into telling her something; she does this by flirting. Heh. And because he's a sad teenage boy he falls for it.

- ""Another legend claims that we descended from wolves — and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."

Heh. Spoiler alert: Jacob's tribe is made up of a bunch of werewolves.

"Then there are the stories about the cold ones."

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

- The Indian tribe has ONE ENEMY and they call them "The Cold Ones". But there's one clan that the Indians made a pact with, so that they (the vampires) wouldn't come to the Indian lands. This bunch of vampire Cold Ones claimed that they didn't eat humans, but that it's sometimes 'dangerous' for them to be around the meat puppets. OMG JUST LIKE EDWARD SAID--COULD IT BE?! GASP!

- "Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."

WAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.........*tense strings*

- "I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by my inept flirting."

You know, Bella's kind of gross.

Final Impressions: Meh. There's some interesting stuff with the legends, but it's all done in so clunky a manner that it's just an information dump so that Bella can finally figure some stuff out. I did like Jacob, though, if only because he seems vaguely more interesting and nice than any other boys surrounding Bella, including ol' Eddie Sparkles. It's just too bad that he actuallylikes Bella.

Final Grade: C for not sucking too much, but not being very good either.