Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Pain: Chapters 4 and 5

Apologies for the delay. I know that, if you're like me and have nothing better to do, you must be sitting there yelling curses at me through the screen because WHY WON'T YOU UPDATE ALREADY?

No, that's just me? well, then. Fine. Be that way.

BUT if you want to know I have no better excuse than I've had a crazy few days. The Lost finale left me emotionally hungover (I couldn't really sleep on Sunday) and hungover the real way, what with the forty thousand or so margaritas I downed during the show. I was gonna post a whole rant about the finale, but everyone and their cousin has already done that, so I'll just say that I still like it and I plan to watch the entire show from the start this summer. And make my husband watch it too, bwah. it's his punishment for only watching the last season, the cheater.

Wait, this was supposed to be a Twilight post. So I'll get on that. Just wanted to add a thanks to all the people who have said something about Project Pain outside the blog. I thought that with the lack of comments no one was reading, but I suppose most people just don't comment on blogs. I know I don't. But, anyway, thanks for reading and for your encouragement. One of the main reasons for doing this thing is that I know people might be curious about the books and want to read them, so I'm doing a public service by a) taking the pain for you, b) not giving S.Meyers more money when you buy her books (I borrowed mine), c) making it fun. So, you know, YOU'RE WELCOME.

....And I just lost a couple of readers. I'm sorry. I woke up cranky this morning.

Shit. Stop talking. Get to recapping.

*****
[Warning: there's a lot of quotes her but I HAD to because I'm scared some of you won't believe me unless I provide proof.]

CHAPTER 4: INVITATIONS

Fast n' Hard Summary:

Klutz (Bella) dreams and thinks about Edward a lot. A LOT. She thinks he hates her (because he saved her?). There's gonna be a dance and a couple of dudes who don't matter ask her to go. She says no. She goes to school. She thinks about Edward. She does PE and flails. She thinks about Edward. She eats. She thinks about Edward. She cooks dinner for her dad. She thinks about Edward. One day Edward talks to her OMG and offers her a ride to Seattle so he's not so mean anymore. That's it. Oh, she thinks about Edward some more.

Real Time Notes:

-"After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach."

OK here's where I spoil things a bit, because of how I know the story and what not: EDWARD IS SNEAKING INTO HER ROOM AT NIGHT AND STARING AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS, THE FREAK. No, I am NOT kidding. NO, I AM NOT. You'll see!

Let that sink in for a bit. Of course we don't know this yet but just...ick.

- She mentions how no one ever talks to Edward--but I'd like to point out that it's him that never talks to anyone because he's a stuck-up little bitch (and he can read minds, though we don't know that yet) with his gorgeous family. So she thinks he's special, like her. Except he hates her, waah!

-Jeebus this chick is such a victim. She just has this ridiculous low self-esteem for no reason at all--she has a dad who loves her, she's smart, apparently men are flocking to her and girls want to be her friends WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?! But she never does anything about anything, just whines and wonders why EDWARD hates her. Screw everybody else.

-I don't know why she can't just say 'days passed' instead of describing every single day in great detail. Edward has freaky eyes that change color. They're now back to like, pissy yellow,, and that seems to indicate he's being "nice".

- There's a 'girl's choice' dance happening at the school. Jess wants to invite Mike, but Mike wants to invite Bella. It doesn't matter though, because Meyers writes these kids as such complete losers (to make Bella look better) that we don't have to care about them one bit.

-Blah, blah, Mike wants Bella to ask him for some reason. She miraculously feels sort of sorry for him. Edward's right next to them giving them bitch eyes. If this were a sane girl she'd ask him what the fuck his problem was, but they just stare at each other.

-"My team never passed me the ball, so that was good, but I fell down a lot."

*snort* Why didn't we get this in the movie?

-Mike, Eric AND Tyler ask Bella to the dance because WHY?! WHY! WHYYYYYYY WOULD ANYONE LIKE THIS GIRL?!

-Edward sees her rejecting Tyler and cracks up. He's an asshole and she loves him.

-Then Bella cooks and this happens in her stupid little head:

"Of course he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect…and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand."

Holy God strike me down because this is just too much to handle.

- Blah blah, she makes dinner, she talks to Charlie about going to Seattle and it's really boring. Man this woman doesn't spare mundane details.

-So she goes to school, Edward's there being really annoying and suave and gorgeous and whatever. If he weren't so pretty, wouldn't she hate him too? Anyway.

"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.

And you are utterly an asshole. I mean, you're RIGHT, but still.

-"It would be more… prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."

Heh. Not bad, I guess.

"His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe."

Aaand you ruined it.

- OK, done. How cliche is that "stay away from me, I'm DANGEROUS!" line, anyway? From the Hulk to the Wolfman to Sparklette over here. Sigh. Don't they KNOW that that'll only make the dumbass chick want them more? Don't they read? stupid conflicted heroes.

Final Impression:
Bella's still a boring, insecure idiot. Edward is just that type of charming gorgeous guy that chicks are supposed to go crazy for but that I stopped caring about when I realized most of them were assholes. He makes Bella feel even more inadequate than she already does, but he likes her and he's pretty so she likes him even more. It's really pretty sickening.

Final Grade: F for Fucking Wrong and giving girls terrible role models.

****
[Ready for more? this one's blissfully short]

CHAPTER 5: BLOOD TYPE

More mindless school and talk of weather because Mike wants a trip to the beach. Edward is sitting by himself in the cafeteria and calls Bella so they can talk and stare at each other. He says how he's not to be trusted, etc, only making her want him more. Bella then goes to Biology, where they're doing blood-type tests and Edward isn't there. Bella freaks out at the sight of blood (AWESOME) and nearly faints. Mike takes her to the nurse, then Edward takes her from him and carries her, then they leave in his car. He is pretty some more.

Real-Time Notes:

- HA! so she goes to lunch and Ed is sitting there by himself being all creepy motioning with his finger and WINKING. Oy, Ed. Aren't you super old? And you're luring a young girl to you with WINKING. CREEP.

-"It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up."

Heehee...OK I totally get that because didn't we all think our crushes were perfect back then? Hell, I still think that about John Hamm. He looks like a comic book pilot.

- He's still all mysterious and of course she loves it. Keeps warning her about how horrible he is but not saying anything, so of course the chick is all intrigued.

- So she finally tells him he's annoying and he gets all hurt and grimacing and whatever. DUDE, I know you can't read her mind but don't be an IDIOT. You've been around how many years and you still know nothing about teenage girls? You fail at EVERYTHING.

-He offers her food.

"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.

*FACEPALM*

- "Please tell me just one little theory [about what she thinks he is]." His eyes still smoldered at me."

Oh, god. Kill me. Also "smoldering" is in the List of Words That Must be Contained Within a Romance Novel. Along with things like "throbbing" and "heaving" and "shaft". But this is a Mormon writing this so alas, no throbbing shafts.

- We join Bella in Biology class and honestly, I detested biology in school and now I have to read about it? Good God. They're figuring out their blood types and OH I WONDER WHY ED ISN'T HERE.

-Bella gets all dizzy, much like I would, so I get that. It's wussy but what the hell. Needles freak me out.

-So he picks her up after Mike takes her outside because of course he does. Because that will TOTALLY help with her dizzyness, you twit. Bella! puke on him ! come on! be a woman! PUKE ON HIM!

But, no, she just goes to the nurse and it's really boring. Lame.

-So Ed gets Dullard out of going to class and decides to take her home. She doesn't want to go in his car so HE PULLS HER BY THE JACKET TOWARDS HIS CAR. Oh, implied violence, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.

-He has a CD playing Debussy in the car and he's all amazed that she knows it because DEBUSSY IS SO OBSCURE, obviously. They are SO meant to be!

- "Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious."

WE GET IT HE IS REALLY PRETTY. I need to start a list of all the synonyms for 'pretty' that Meyer uses. It's so completely unnecessary to keep hammering this point over and over again, but she still does it because maybe we're idiots like her and will forget, when that is ALL THAT EDWARD IS. Blergh.

Final Impression:
Edward is "charming" and superstrong and we're all supposed to have a massive crush on him already. Listen, I get that young girls love this shit, but there are actual grown women out there who LOVE this guy. It's so weird and creepy. Also weird and creepy? Edward is like 200 years old and going for a teenage girl. I just find it so bizarre and unromantic, along with the many other weird things about this character.

Final Grade: C- because things are at least starting to move along now.

**
Tune-in next time for Ed and Klutz's Adventures in Falling In Tweeny Love.

3 comments:

Sin said...

i'm also thinking of starting lost again from the beginning, but i'm already thinking it's gonna be kinda sad to watch it and go "oh this bit is interesting...but it never goes anywhere...is left unresolved...left to die...completely glossed over" :( half the excitement for me was "ooh this is some weird stuff, i wonder where it'll lead"

oh, right, twilight...still lame

thefunctionalweirdo said...

You are being way more thorough in your analysis than I was. But equally ranty. Which I enjoy! Because it's CRAP WRITING.

--Sharon

MustangSally said...

When I read Poop McSmelly's books I thought of my mother, who teaches first graders to read.

One of the techniques is to imagine a "movie in your head" as you read the story. A lot of people do this instinctively and it's generally why they enjoy reading. Poop seems to have trouble differentiating between IMAGINING the movie in your head and WRITING EVERY SINGLE WORD in your book.

Perhaps a talk with a reading teacher would help. You know make it more READABLE?