Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Pain: Chapters 2 and 3

Onwards, soldiers in pain! Someone should've warned me that this shit just gets more painful after Ed and Klutz (her new name) meet. Not that it was very interesting before, what with the "I came home and changed into shorts. Then I made a sandwich. Then I washed the dishes. Then I stood in silence for 10 minutes" thing. But at least we didn't have Klutz freaking out over every single thing Sparkles did; specially when 90% of what he does is stand there and look pretty.

I'm getting ahead of myself, however. I'm barely on Chapter 2 of Project Pain. I think I can get 2 in here so let's move it along.


Fast n' Hard (ie:Quick Summary):

Klutz goes to school, she has classes. She comes home, emails her mom. She talks with her dad. She goes to school again and she and Sparkles look at each other a lot. They have science and they do a lab and he's suddenly NICE OMG SO IN LOVE WITH HIS PERFECTION. They do *science*.

Seriously, that's it.

Real Time Notes:

-Bella goes to school and frankly, I'm amazed she remembers people's names. Hee...the rest of her day sounds like my 9th grade journal "I went to trig and the professor called me and it was SO UNFAIR!"

I wonder if this is where the tweens go "SHE IS JUST LIKE ME!!11"

- Edward's not in school and she's all obsessed. Creepy. She's seriously freaking out over him not being there even after he had treated her like shit. A normal person would be GLAD.

-This detailed description of her day is just so boring. Where are the bloodsuckers? Where's the lust and the blood and the boobs? Ugh, if this were True Blood someone would be having sex in the bleachers by now.

-Oh good god we get an email exchange. Just like three pages of BIG COMPUTER FONT of stupid emails between her and her mom. Jeebus.

-She reads Wuthering Heights for the 'fun of it'. Good God, I couldn't even read that book out of self punishment. But it's so PERFECT for her because...come on. Wuthering Fuckin' Heights, indeed.

-God this is boring. She goes to school, it snows, Edward's not there, blah blah. Next day (or the same? I lost track from not caring) he's there.

They start shooting furtive glances at each other. Ugh. Mike is following her around and I hate him too.

-"His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips."

DAZZLING. That is the most dumbass description I've ever heard in my life. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE IN THIS GOOD EARTH. *STAB*

Lady, do you know what "dazzling" means? Let's research.

"–verb (used with object)
to overpower or dim the vision of by intense light: He was dazzled by the sudden sunlight.
to impress deeply; astonish with delight: The glorious palace dazzled him."


-Now Dazzler is all friendly to her in biology. He has an "enchanting laugh". Heehee.

"Or I could start, if you wish." The smile faded; he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent."

Oh man. I cackled. Because NO EDWARD SHE IS NOT.

-She notices his eyes changed color. Now they look like butterscotch. Mmm, I'm hungry all of a sudden.

-He asks about her mom because he cares. Then he says this:

"His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

And Bella is all OMG HE KNOWS ME SO WELL <3

-He has "ultrawhite teeth", apparently, and I LOVE IT. EDWARD GO EASY ON THE WHITENING JESUS THOSE THINGS ARE BLINDING. It's like that episode of Friends where Ross whitens his teeth and they glow in the dark.

Final Impression:
Listen, I know I'm not the ideal demographic for this shit, but do 16 year olds really dig a book about a bitchy girl who gives mundane details of her day? I know I didn't. Or is it just the appeal of Edward, who's your Perfect Man Archetype with the beauty and the mystery and the niceness? Must be it. To be frank he seems like a bit of a dud to me, specially for someone who's immortal. But, whatever, young girls like the harmless dude. Anyway. Bella's still annoying and Ed is pretty.

Final Grade: F for Fucking Boring.

One more? This one's pretty short.

(ie: Bella's stupidity is phenomenal!)

Fast and Hard:
Klutz goes to school and is almost crushed by a car, but Ed performs a miraculous superhuman save and she grows suspicious. She is taken to the hospital and meets Edward's dad, DrGorgeous Cullen. She's ungrateful and wants to know why Edward saved her, he says nothing, she goes home and dreams of him. Ick.

Real-Time Notes:

-She wakes up, has breakfast, wants to see Edward. I remember feeling like this when I was crushing on a boy, so can't really hate her for it. But I don't remember ever being intrigued by a guy who seemed like an emotional, bipolar douchebag. To each their own, I guess.

- "Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress."

No, Bella. No one ever thinks that about clumsy people, except maybe characters in cheap romance novels. Clumsiness is not a personality trait, it just makes you laughable. Also, stop projecting, Stephanie Meyer.

- A car almost crashes into Bella in the parking lot but Edward MIRACULOUSLY saves her (he was far away, then apparently zoomed to her side in a second). This is the point where anyone would wonder if they're a superhero of some sort. Bella wonders, and he lies about how he was standing right next to her (not possible simply because she would've been hyperventilating).

-"He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! THIS BITCH DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO USE A THESAURUS. I read this to my husband and he cracked up and said "maybe he's like Cyclops in X-Men" and SERIOUSLY. A hurricane is devastating you dumb fucking bimbo. "Devastating" does NOT imply something GOOD.

- They take her to the hospital and for some damn reason Edward comes along, so of course she's all freaked out.

-Edward's dad, the gorgeous doctor, Doctor GorgeousCullen, comes gliding in and he's gorgeous. He's gorgeous, ok?

-She's alright, so Ed decides to take her home. She tries to confront him about the magic van-saving incident. Blah blah he refuses to tell the truth, she harrasses him. He's pretty, they scowl at each other, etc.

-Seriously, she's angry that he saved her because he was so mean before and now he's nice and WHY EDWARD WHY. She's a completely ungrateful bitch, but we sort of knew that already.

"That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen."

Ah, shit.


Final Impressions:
So this is where we first start to suspect that there's something wrong with Edward. Bella's understandably intrigued, but she acts all bratty about it because that's her way. At least the Bella-almost-dying part was fun, and Edward got somewhat interesting. I, for one, would like to forget these two and get with Dr.Gorgeous, but whatever.

Final Grade: B- for something finally happening.

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