Here we go.
CHAPTER 9: THEORY
[ie: I have a theory on how to kill Eddie: it involves a Magic Eraser, a stake and killing Bella]
Fast n Hard Summary:
They're still in the car, and Klutz confesses that she thinks Eddie's a vampire. He says she's right. Everything that has been written about vampires (and what made them cool) is shot to shit in a few paragraphs, because Poop is a total hack. It's insanely boring and gross for such a "ta-da!" chapter. Klutz is completely blase about it, which is not at all surprising. It's horrible.
Real Time Notes:
-Oh God, we're still in the car. Bella asks him how he found her and he says he followed her scent. Romantic? Hell, no. All it makes me think of is that Bella smells like dookie. And Ed likes it. Ew.
-He explains his mind reading abilities and how he can't read her.
"I don't know," he murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."
Like she needed more encouragement to feel like a special snowflake. See, the big problem here is that we KNOW that Bella isn't any more special than anyone out there. If anything, she's WORSE. So this 'you're so special' thing is complete bullshit because NO SHE ISN'T. I guess that's the whole thing, though; finding someone who thinks you're special for some reason. But Poop could have at least given Bella a personality, or depth of character, or a terrible disease or have her grow hair in weird places or SOMETHING.
To compare it once more to True Blood, where a Vampire With a Heart falls for a Normal Human Chick That Everyone Wants to Fuck. At least in that, the female character HAS a special ability--she can read minds. Sure, Sookie is still kind of annoying, but she's plucky and stands up for herself, has an actual personality and is an engaging character. At least there is a REASON why this ancient immortal character is in love with her. Here, Eddie falls in love with Bella just because! The only thing "special" about her is this completely arbitrary mind-block thing she has which is never explained and that took no effort whatsoever for her to achieve. She is completely fucking empty and useless, and thus, the entire premise of this damn book is empty and useless and stupid, It's nothing more than a wish-fulfillment fantasy where we can Become Bella because WE are special. I guess that's OK for some people, but dammit, I'd expect more from a book that so many women seem to go gaga over.
But what the hell can I do? Just carry on. And carry a big stick to bash things with. Soon I shall have no pillows on my couch.
Sorry about that digression. Let's keep going:
- Edward is speeding in his car, but totally in control and she freaks out and whatever. Haha he 'hates' driving slow. BAD BOYS DRIVE FAST IN THEIR VOLVOS. VROOM VROOM.
A Volvo. Honestly.
- Wow, so he totally he just comes out and says he's a vampire and permanently 17. And that's that. Which is pretty funny and completely underwhelming considering the 90 pages of buildup. Talk about anticlimactic.
- Apparently these 'vampires' can go out in the sun and don't sleep in coffins (or sleep at all). He asks if she wants to know about the blood drinking and she says Jacob told her how the Cullens don't hunt people. Blahblah it's pretty boring considering HE'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE and shouldn't she be at least a little more fazed about this? But, no, she's Bella and a complete idiot, so she takes it like he just told her that he tans really quickly or likes spicy foods.
-He says how it's hard for him to maintain control of his, um, "urges" around her.
"Is it very difficult for you now?" I asked. He sighed. "Yes."
So, in other words, he badly wants to
- He says he can't go out into too bright sunlight for some reason. But we all know why and it's possibly the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever heard of. (hint: it's because everyone will know he likes to cover himself in GLITTER a lot!)
-[about the guys who attacked her]
"You were going to fight them?" This upset him. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," I admitted."
Yeah, she's a fucktard who trips over her own feet. SHE IS A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.
5. 5. "Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.
GLORIOUS. And uh, Bella, I think that's called a heart attack. Might wanna get that checked out.
-We almost get a kiss, but he just drops her off.
-I cannot emphasize enough how completely blase she is for someone who just found out her crush is a motherfucking VAMPIRE who's lived forever and sucks the blood off living things. Even if it's just bears and not humans it's completely fucking gross, but she just thinks it's SO ROMANTIC because he is so pretty and all the other girls will be jealous, squeeee! PLOT POINT OF LAMENESS created for nothing more than to create some stupid division between them that you know will bring up more stupid Plot Points in the future. He could be a narcoleptic or a sex predator or a circus performer and it'd be the same damn thing, because the point here is to make him something really weird or special. There's no real conflict at all. It's safe, and utterly boring.
-"First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."
WAIT. WHAT. NO. FUCK YOU POOP.ARGH.
THOSE SENTENCES DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER AND THEY MAKE MY BRAIN HURT AND PAIN AND WEEP AND I HATE YOU, POOP.
Final Impression: I think I said it all in the notes. The vampirism is out but it's in the lamest form imaginable. Bella is still an empty blob of a person, who is also a massive idiot. Edward is "charming" and gentle and therefore dreamy. He is pretty.
Final Grade: F for for fuck's sake, Bella, wake up a bit!