Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 10

And we're back to this damned thing. Sorry for the delay: I've been distracted by World Cup Madness and whatnot. Honduras is out of the Cup but I'm still proud as hell that they made it all the way there, and hey, we're still not as embarrassing as France. Bwah. So I'm sucking up every last minute of the matches, enjoying just about every game, shouting at the TV a lot and driving half my friends insane over facebook. I tend to get very emotional about these things. I don't have a favorite quite yet, but I'd like to see Uruguay and Chile go far, and I want to see Brazil, Spain, Mexico and Maradona suffer. Not Argentina. Just Maradona. Not sure how that will work, but let's just roll with it.

Anyway, here we go. Prepare for the pain.



You know, I honestly thought I'd be hooked by now. So many people have said that they got into it and couldn't stop reading, even if they found it horrible. The word "addictive" came up a lot. But I'm on chapter...what...10? 100 pdf pages or so in and I'm not feeling anything but contempt for the writing and an immense dislike for the characters.

But I vowed I would read this entire goddamn series and I WILL DO IT IF IT COSTS ME A LEG FROM HITTING IT IN ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.

AND I know that we're done with the boring bits where Klutz didn't know what Eddie Sparkles really was. Now we know, and maybe shit will get more ridiculous. It had better.

At the very least, I hope I get more stuff that makes me laugh and less stuff that makes me want to scream.

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" Count: 5

Quick n Hard Summary:
Sigh. Another day at school. The entire point of this chapter is for us to find out that Edward likes to keep tabs on Bella's every thought and activity by READING OTHER PEOPLE'S MINDS. So, basically, dude can find out everything about Bella (including what she says about him) by reading other people's minds. It's completely disturbing in a total-stalker type of way. Bella is mad for 3 seconds before she forgives him because of how she's an idiot and stuff. She asks a lot of questions about him. There are some unintentionally funny bits and I nearly die.

Real Time Notes:

-Eddie Sparkles is waiting for her in his car when she gets up for school the next day. She's all giddy, of course.

6- "Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body."

COLOSSAL. Poop really fails at using words properly. Yeah, it's an adjective. That doesn't mean you can use it for ANYTHING, woman. You idiot. I'm embarrassed for you. Also: geez, Bella. Just jump him already.

-Also also: He likes muscle shirts and body glitter? oh, Edward.

-Ed says it's weird how nonchalant she is with his confessions. He thinks she's guarded or something; I think she's just a giant idiot who never considers the consequences of anything. Plus she's dazzled by his perfection or whatever the fuck.

-They see Rosalie (Ed's pseudo-sister) has some awesome sports car in the parking lot, even though Ed claims they want to blend in--WHY?! Why pretend to be in High School? Most people consider High School as the worst years of their lives. High School is BORING. Why do you want to blend in with TEENAGERS? Blergh!

7-"Good morning, Jessica," Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of."


-Klutz asks Ed to tell her what's on Jess's mind because hey, whatever with ethics when it comes to mindreading the little people.

-blahblah, class, Mike is a doofus, class. Doesn't matter because she's not with Eddie.

-Erm, so basically Ed's gonna find out how Bella feels about him by reading Jess's mind. And because Bella's an idiot she'll tell Jess everything? that's kind of creepy.

-Now Bella even likes the clouds because that means Eddie's gonna be around. Yay, her life is changing! For the worse!

-Bella tells Jess about her pseudo-date. They gossip and for once she sounds like a normal teenage girl.

-"I think so, but it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic," I threw in for his benefit, sighing."

I love that Jessica's just this empty shell of a person that Bella's using to transmit messages to Ed.

-"Oh, well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did."


Once again we just confirm that there is NOTHING that sets Bella apart from everyone else.

-It's completely hilarious to me how easily Bella takes in Ed's 'special condition'. Wouldn't you be slightly more...disturbed, or at least curious about him being a vampire? But no, it has to be incredibly easy to accept his vampirism and his soullessness and whatever. Because, again, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's just some stupid McGuffin that will bring up some stupid plot points later on, but which fails to create any real conflict between the characters. There's nothing to be lost or chanced here. And so, how is it interesting? Why make him a vampire at all, except as a stupid gimmick to sell more books?

8-But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.

1. HAHAHAHAH EDWARD IS RIDICULOUS. Does he have a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeves and a comb sticking out of his pocket? OMG I bet he does. And I bet he's flipping a coin and looking dangerous.
2. I wonder how close one is allowed to get to looking like a Greek god? Oh, Poop, that sentence made no sense at all.

-Ed is all upset because Klutz thinks she likes him more than he likes her! TRAGEDY! I guess when one is turned into a vampire at 17 one retains that mental age without ever changing or learning anything? It's the only explanation for how stupid and immature Edward is sometimes. Specially when it comes to girls. And yeah, most 17 year old boys are dumb about girls, but he's been around forever and still doesn't know a damned thing. 17 forever. What a horrible prospect for Bella.

-AND THEN. THEN she says Ed's eyes are like 'liquid topaz'. And then I just about fell off the couch from laughing so hard and I think my brain wanted to hit the edge of the table really hard AND KILL ITSELF FROM THE ABSOLUTE DUMBASSERY OF THAT.



*ahem* sorry. But oh that was just too awesome and THANK YOU, Poop, because you broke the monotony by reaching new levels of complete fucknuttery. That was hilarious! I can't believe I just read that sentence. Heeeeee!


"Well, look at me," I said, unnecessarily as he was already staring. "I'm absolutely ordinary ..."

Oh there's Bella's ugly insecurity rearing its head again. And the Mary Sue-ness of it all makes me want to vomit.

"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."

And, really, isn't that what EVERYONE wants to hear? Specially from a ridiculously good looking person of the attractive gender? This is where we all swoon.

Except you know, not, because it's complete bullshit in Bella's case. Just because she has a metal plate of dumb in her head that keeps you from reading her mind doesn't make her interesting.

9-"Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features."

AGAIN with the devastation.

-So Eddie says he keeps his hunger at bay by hunting animals with his entire family. It's OK though, because they keep the population down! Apparently they went bear hunting the one day he wasn't in school. His brother Emmett likes grizzlies and I immediately like Emmett and wish he was in this thing more. Ed likes mountain lion. I'm surprised he didn't say he likes cuddly things like raccoons or *snerk*, beavers.

-Bella, of course, isn't even slightly disgusted by this. Better than eating humans, I suppose, but STILL. At least REACT.

- OK, vampire hunting sounds kind of awesome. But because Precious doesn't get to do it we don't get to see it. Why do vampire books always make the humans the protagonists? no one CARES about them and they're always so damn boring when compared to vampires.

-She asks if she can go see them hunt and he freaks out before they part. LAME.


Final Impressions: Liquid Topaz (sounds like a name for a super effeminate boy band) is the most boring vampire ever, though his family sounds fun. Bella will never think about things and she is an empty shell of a character.

Business as usual.

Final Grade: B- for the Liquid Topaz hilarity alone. That made this chapter my favorite so far.

1 comment:

Girl With Curious Hair said...

I'm kind of amazed/impressed that you are able to continue. I've rolled my eyes at the few quoted sentences so many times my head hurts.