Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 11

I have fallen behind on The Pain. Must get through it quick, it'll hurt less. Like pulling off a dirty, sparkly band-aid.

Let's go!


Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 9

Quick n Hard Summary:

Klutz and Sparkles are finally official. They go to school and Klutz is klutzy, and Eddie stalks her by reading other people's minds some more. Eddie asks Bella a bunch of question and we find out she's the most painfully boring person on the planet, but of course he still likes her. They're in love. It's all mind-numbingly dull because this woman can't write anything interesting about these two fuckwits.

Real-Time Notes:
-Everyone stares at the new Brangelina. I shall call them SparKlutz.

I can see how this is another case of wish-fulfillment: every ordinary, outcast girl out there wanted to be noticed by the hottest guy in school. The problem here though, is that Bella is neither an outcast nor unnoticed. Everyone seems to like her (for some reason) and she has all the hot guys in school after her. She's not sympathetic at all, but Meyer insists that she is, and that we should be happy for her because she's such an outcast. The only indication we get that Bella is an outcast is that she keeps calling herself one even though she clearly isn't! It makes no sense at all, which really shouldn't surprise us coming from Meyer.

Bella is seriously super horny right now and it's hilarious.
"A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me."

Yeah, it's definitely a good thing he can't read her thoughts. He'd probably run away because ew, sex! good Mormon vampire boys don't have impure thoughts!

- There's a lot of stuff in that vein in this chapter, to the point where it gets uncomfortable to read. Just make out with him already for crying out loud.

"His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before."

Jesus H. Christ. She is TOTALLY out of it and it's hilarious/pathetic. You can just see the little birds and hearts bubbling out over her head. Oh, Edward!

-Gym. She plays tennis and whacks herself on the head because she is the very picture of grace and elegance. But you know this is just some incredibly boring interlude until she can stare at Eds some more and we get another painful scene. And yep, that's what happens.

"But my worries were unnecessary. Edward was waiting, leaning casually against
the side of the gym, his breathtaking face untroubled now."


-Ed makes fun of her for what she did in gym, which he 'saw' because he read Mike's mind. Seriously, how does your typical reader not get how totally CREEPY this is? It's like the dude has cameras trailing her ALL THE FUCKING TIME and he can watch her every move and it's CREEPY. Maybe I can see some really clueless girls not getting the creepiness, but once again, the fact that grown women like this guy just gives me the shivers.

-Aha. Bella pretends to be offended for about 5 seconds, but you know she really likes it. She makes him promise to not do it again and uhuh, likely story. Dude's a fucking stalker and he ain't gonna stop because you asked him, sweetheart. Because you're a dumbass.

-She asks why she can't come see him hunt. He tells her that basically he'd want to kill her, too. She finds this totally hot, as we all would (ick). They stare at each other some more and would you please just KISS already or will this be dragged out 15 more chapters?

-No kiss. And I know for a fact that they don't have sex for like another three books or so. Meyer is the worst tease in the world. By the time she actually writes any payoff you're already bored to death.

-Another page and a half (in a .pdf, remember) that amounts to this: I woke up. Ate. Talked to Dad. Ran to Eddie when he came to pick me up because SQUEE.

-This is seriously some of the most long winded, useless filler I have ever fucking read. And I've read VICTOR HUGO, Meyer. But 25 pages describing the life of a priest who dies 2 pages later is NOTHING compared to the torture you put me through, Meyer. You're horrible.

-There's this incredibly long passage where Eddie questions Bella. About every single thing in her life. They have the same records (OMG IT'S TRUE LOVE)! She likes different colors because she's SPECIAL and DIFFERENT. He's completely fascinated by everything she says because that's a rule in books like this one.

-HAAAAAAAAAA! he asks what her favorite gemstone is (seriously? who asks this? ever?) and she blurts out topaz and he wants to know why.

"It's the color of your eyes today," I sighed, surrendering, staring down at my hands as I fiddled with a piece of my hair. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."

Guys. She's gone full retard.

-Argh. We get a Biology Class scene that is fucking exactly the same as the one the day before.

-"I hurried to change afterward, ill at ease, knowing the faster I moved, the sooner I would be with Edward."

Let me go on a tangent for a bit here.

See, this reminds me of something Stephen King wrote in the Dark Tower series. More specifically, the one that has a big love story. As he's telling the story, he has his main character say that true love is boring-to everyone outside the wonderful couple. And it honestly just is. Once the courtship-admittedly the interesting part for the flirting and the cute little moments- is over and the couple gets together, does anyone really get anything but completely exhausted at hearing how much a couple loves each other? I admit to being a complete sap for love stories, but even I get bored when reading about Relationship Bliss, or even when someone is telling me about their perfect boyfriend. At one point you just stop caring and, while you're happy for the other person, you just wish they'd find something else to talk about.

It's the reason why so many love stories are about the courtship, and so few are about the couple being blissfully happy--it's obnoxious, and nobody cares. And this just happened with Sparklutz, and their courtship ended awfully quickly. And now Bella's just rubbing The Perfection in everybody's face--how perfect Ed is, how much he's interested in her and, think about something else for a second. I suppose the young girls want to identify with this, but my God. It's boring, repetitive, embarrassing to read and just plain obnoxious. WE GET IT. He is nice and pretty and sweet and is totally obsessed with you. Everyone who's been in love knows how completely absorbing it can be. It's all you think of. But remember when you finally realized that all your friends were avoiding you because you wouldn't talk about any other damned thing besides your boyfriend? Haven't we all known someone like that and grown sick of them?

SO, MOVE ON. GIVE ME A PLOT. But no! this shit is gonna get dragged along for 200 more pages until we get some kind of plot going on. And it's just gonna piss me off. BUT I WILL FINISH THIS. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.

-Anyway. Bella's talking about why she loves Phoenix:

The hardest thing to explain was why it was so beautiful to me — to justify a beauty that didn't depend on the sparse, spiny vegetation that often looked half dead, a beauty that had more to do with the exposed shape of the land, with the shallow bowls of valleys between the craggy hills, and the way they held on to the sun.

Gah, more of this shit. See, it would feel a lot more natural if Bella wasn't such a dumb bimbo most of the time. This pseudo-poetic shit is slimy and covered in cheese and pretentiousness that I can barely read it. It just DOES NOT FIT. And it's just terrible writing! Plus, what the fuck does it matter what Bella thinks of Arizona? She's never gonna see it again because it has sun and Eddie will sparkle! Argh!

-"It's twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds."



-"Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

What a profound observation, you halfwit.

-"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars."

OH, COME ON. STOP IT WITH THE CHEAP FUCKING PLATITUDES. My GAWD this is a cheap fucking book! A Frankenstein's Monster made up of terrible, rotten parts that don't mesh together and just form an abomination that's supposed to be grand but just makes me want to cry out of frustration because HOW DOES SHIT LIKE THIS GET PUBLISHED? And get an audience beyond people who love Harlequin romances? NOTHING this bad should ever be this popular! And I swear I'm really trying to find something positive here, but I keep running into the walls of stupidity this woman keeps setting up and now my head hurts. Great.

-Oh thank God it's over. Ed finally stops with the questions, and Ed runs away when he sees Jacob come up. I WONDER WHY.

Final Impressions: I seriously have a headache, you guys. This was terrible. Possibly the worst chapter so far. I think I've said it before but I don't care. Gyah.

Final Grade: F, or whatever's worse than an F.


Mona said...

I just found out that one of my friends - a crazy intelligent girl who has a Masters in Literary Criticism - is in love with these books. Thankfully she's at least as embarrassed for herself as I am...but man I can't look at her the same way. She wanted me to go to the premiere with her, I didn't dignify that with an answer haha.

I'm so impressed by you that you're willing to go through this. I read about 5 chapters of the first book and I could not continue. It was painful and awkward to read, like really really bad fanfiction.

Sin said...

outstanding work dude. favorite line: "25 pages describing the life of a priest who dies 2 pages later is NOTHING compared to the torture you put me through" LOL

just last week i was talking to someone who was incredibly excited for the movie premiere and was going to a midnight showing...i also cannot look at them the same way again...but the girl i talked to was an aerobics instructor. shouldn't the masters in literary criticism be mortally offended by authors like this one?

also, dude, if you're already sick of the "couple phase," you're REALLY going to hate the rest of it.

Trouble said...

a dirty, sparkly band-aid

I laughed SO HARD at this...

Figgy said...

Thanks for the comments!

Sin: I KNOW. I think I'll just have to push through this damned thing.

RR Kovar said...

A wise professor had a list of responses to typical student whining, and this was my favorite:

Student: Why did you give me an F??
Prof: Because I couldn't give you a G.

That's pretty much how I felt about all these books, so I feel your pain. On the other hand, your recaps are more interesting and well written than the novels, so thanks for that!