The Pain: Chapter 15

To recap what's happened so far: Bella, an empty shell of a person (her one personality trait seems to be "clumsy" so my name for her is Klutz), met Edward, a "vampire" who is pretty and doesn't eat humans. They fell in love just because, and because Edward is so pretty. We found out that Edward literally sparkles when he's in the sunlight (so he is Eddie Sparkles to me). They want to have sex really badly, but won't because Edward is a good Mormon Virgin boy "dangerous" and could eat Bella alive. That's it. Oh, and Edward is a complete sleaze and a creep, but we're supposed to swoon over him. And that's it for 15 chapters. And so we come to the second half of the book. Don't worry. Nothing happens. Still.

For the newbies: I've been keeping count of how many times Stephanie Meyer (or "Poop", as I like to call her because I'm horrible) brings out the thesaurus in an effort to find a new way to describe Edward's prettiness. Considering that I didn't start counting until chapter 4 or so, I think a count of 34 is pretty outrageous. At the end I want to compile a list, because it will be hilarious.

And to bring us back full circle: the last chapter (with the near-sex) nearly killed me from rage. But because I have a Public Duty to my readers, I must continue. I am that committed (read: stupid). Onwards!

**
Chapter 15: The Cullens
[AKA: A welcome respite from Sparklutz staring at each other]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 34

Quick n Hard Summary:
So she wakes up and Eddie's still there, which means he just stayed in her room all night and watched her sleep, which isn't creepy at ALL. They stare at each other some more, and he suggests she meet his family. They stare at each other some more. Finally they go over to the Cullen lair and she meets his Gorgeous Family of Gorgeousness [that's a word? thanks spellcheck!]. They all love her except for Rosalie who is smart. Hee. Eddie wrote a song for her and plays it on his piano and it nearly kills me. We get some background stories on the Cullens but it's nowhere near enough to make this worth reading.

Real-Time Notes:

An interesting sidenote: so with the release of Eclipse, and the resurfacing of all this Team Jacob vs Team Edward bullshit, I've noticed one thing: there's no Team Bella. If anything, there's Team Not-Bella. And I get the feeling that most fans just HATE this chick. Because it's not them? but it CAN be them, because she's just a shell! No wonder people love writing fanfic for this shit.

But who cares about Bella. I'm just amazed that people seriously like Edward. I guess if you don't think about His Sparkly Creepiness for a second he's sort of dreamy for certain types of women... but then you do and, ew. No, Thank You. And I can't say Team Jacob either because he was in one page of this and he isn't Edward and so he isn't important. We'll see about that later.

And overall, the whole "Team" thing is sheer dumbassery and I want to hit it in the face.

Marvel at my MSPaint skillz!

-She wakes up and Edward is there. EW. I will say it again, louder;

FUCKING CREEP.

- "Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap."

!

Bella, you're gonna kill the poor boy! Control yourself, you whore!

- "You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything." His eyes gleamed. "The talking came earlier."
I groaned. "What did you hear?"
His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me."

She's even pathetic IN HER DREAMS. I'm not kidding when I say that that turned my stomach. I went "EUGH" out loud and MrFig (in the next room) wondered what the hell was wrong with me and I refused to explain because he thinks I'm insane for reading this AND HE IS RIGHT.

-"He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as hecarried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair."

Oh fucking hell shit arse and hole.

ME EDWARD. ME CAVEMAN. ME CARRY LITTLE WOMAN LIKE BABY. ME FEED BABY WOMAN. LITTLE WOMAN SWOON. RAH!

THIS IS SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS AND FORMS.

-Eddie says he wants her to meet his family and I say YAY SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN. Now stop gazing into each others' prettiness and DO SOMETHING. FIND THE PLOT, AT LEAST.

-Blah blah they know all about her because this sounds like the worse family ever because they know everything about each other and Alice knows shit before it happens. I wonder why anyone would choose to live in a family like that.

35
"He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again, staring abstractedly out the back windows."

I wonder, though I doubt it, if Poop has ANY idea of how retardiculous it sounds to call him Adonis? JUST CALL HIM A STATUE YOU TWAT. Also, "abstractedly" is a terrible word to use there.

Adonis stood in my kitchen. Butt naked and posing like a lily in summer. I reconsidered my life.

-"He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable."

UNFATHOMABLE. *facepalm*

LEARN HOW TO USE WORDS, WOMAN.

-"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

Gag. Here's where I'm supposed to swoon, I guess.

35
"He sighed, shaking his head. "You are so absurd." He pressed his cool lips delicately to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think."

That doesn't sound nice. That sounds rank and nasty. Honestly, why does he smell so good? He drinks blood and eats raw animals. He just smells nice BECAUSE. Or maybe, because it's Edward, he showers in lavender and Axe. Oh God I just gagged for real.

-"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."

REALLY. Do you guys get this? I feel completely weirded out and grossed out and it's just...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BOOK, EXACTLY?

It's like the WORST. Just the WORST. Every sentence is just progressively worse than the previous because NO ONE SAYS THESE THINGS. And it's all in the imagination of this sad sack fucking LOSER who wants people to talk like this and kiss so hard they faint. THIS IS A GROWN WOMAN WRITING THIS. FUCKING HELL!!!

-Augh. Auuuuugh my head.

-Mercifully, they leave and drive to his house. Giant, gorgeous house for the perfect family. etc etc.

-"He pulled the end of my ponytail and chuckled."

Huh??

-Pretty, gorgeous house with pretty, gorgeous people. Ed's parents are pretty and gorgeous.

-"Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era."

See, this is the problem when a loser 40 year old woman tries to write as a 15 year old. Because there is no way in hell that Bella is writing that sentence. It's just how Meyer envisioned this chick and she badly wants to give you a comparison and sound profound at the same time. So she says something as pretentious and "ooh look at me! I know things!" as this.

-"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." And I was. It was like meeting a fairy tale — Snow White, in the flesh."

THEY.
ARE.
VAMPIRES.

*headdesk*

At least be a LITTLE weirded out by this! But no! This is just some stupid first girlfriend meeting her perfect boyfriend's rich parents. The vampirism DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

Oh, Esme, you are SO pretty and your son is SO pretty!

-I got that when I googled "Zombie Snow White". I love the internet.

-Alice, Eddie's sister, comes bounding down the stairs and she obviously loves Bella, because everybody does.

-No one else seemed to know quite what to say, and then Jasper was there — tall and leonine.

Heehee. Leonine. I bet he smells like a zoo!

-Jasper's "power" seems to be the ability to manipulate the emotions in a room. So, for example, everyone's really awkward and tense and Jasper makes them all feel calm. Like he's a pot machine. LEGALIZE IT!

-There's a giant piano and of COURSE it's Edwards. Five bucks says he plays Clair de Lune for her! he sits at the piano and plays and he's perfect because of course he is. And my theory that Eddie is really just Liberace who was turned into a vampire and then lost a lot of weight is confirmed:

Sparkly? Check
Stylish? Check
Olde Timey? Check
Piano? Check
Creepy as all get-out? CHECK!

-I AM A GENIUS.

- HE WROTE A SONG FOR HER. HE WROTE A SONG FOR HER. AND OF COURSE HE'S PLAYING IT ON HIS PIANO FOR HER AND OF COURSE HIS ENTIRE J CREW CATALOGUE FAMILY IS THERE. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The magnitude of the cheese just made me lactose intolerant.

-Heeee. So apparently, Eddie's older "sister" Rosalie (whom Carlie transformed for Eddie but Eddie didn't want because I guess he was still figuring out his sexuality before he went to Gay Camp and was cured into deciding he likes girls after all) is the only one who doesn't like Bella. She's immediately my favorite. TEAM ROSALIE!

-"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me."

Eeee! Special Snowflake of +3! BARF. But, yeah, apparently Rosalie wishes she were human and whatever.

-Heehee...we get this bizarre description of how Esme was worried that Eddie hadn't found a chick in so long. It's a none-too-subtle way of telling us that everyone probably thought Edward was GAY which cracks me up because of the muscle shirts and the body glitter and the piano playing and the perfection and the NO NO BELLA I CANNOT TOUCH GIRLS and the whole Liberace reincarnated thing. Oh, Edward. Also the fact that he attached himself to a girl who is completely unfeminine and has no personality and is dull as a box of rocks. I'm completely convinced that Edward is either a closeted gay or asexual. Bella's just a beard.

-So Carlie told Eddie with his mind that Alice saw some other vampires coming their way and now Eddie's gonna be super protective of Bella, just in case. Because he wasn't already dog-like enough. Is he gonna have her on a leash from now on?

-Apparently the Cullens think the new vampires could mean trouble for Bella, but I don't understand why. Is she a vampire magnet? Nah. It's just that, in Mary Sue land, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) happens to the girl. Everyone wants to either kill her or have sex with her. It's a rule.

-"Finally, a rational response!" he murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

Edward is really condescending and pompous sometimes. Me? I would have slapped him for that.

-She's crying, then his happens:

"He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it."

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. God, Edward. You're creepy AND gross.

- Eddie takes her on a tour of the house. He has no bed in his room (OH NO WHERE WILL THEY HAVE TEH SECKS? ) They have a giant cross in the hallway because THIS FAMILY IS VERY WEIRD.

-Big Time Smarts Word: Patina. Still not impressed by your Thesaurus Skillz, Poop.

- We find out Carlisle is 362. Why can't' we make the story about HIM? I think it'd be pretty awesome to learn about a vampire DOCTOR.

Thankfully, Scrubs has me covered here:



DR. AKULA. SO MUCH POTENTIAL. God, I love that show.

-We get Carlie's story and FINALLY something is interesting (funny that it's not about either Bella or Eddie). Carlie was like a monster hunter and found some real vampires and one bit him and he became a vampire.

-Anyway. It's actually sort of interesting. Unfortunately it doesn't last very long and the chapter ends, so that means we're about to go back to Sparklutz and their horrible relationship.

Final Impression: Everything at Bella's house was horrible. The stuff with the Cullens wasn't THAT bad, but that's like making me choose between raisins and green peppers. I'll gag either way. I learn that everyone is more interesting than Sparklutz. Also that Edward is Liberace.

Final Grade: D, but just because of the stuff with the Cullens.

Total "Pretty" Count: 35, not counting how many times she called the other Cullens pretty