Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 12

Gah. It's been too long. I promise I won't take this long again. Though for all I know no one wants to see anymore of this, but I gotta post something and this gives me a chance to unleash all the snark and annoyance I've had pent up inside. It's like bad therapy, because it just makes me more angry to remember what I've read.

Anyway. Here we go.


Chapter 12: Balancing
[aka: Balancing the deep nausea this book gives me with some medicinal snark]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 12 (that means there were FOUR mentions in the last chapter alone!)

Quick n' Hard Summary:

To catch up: Oh God. I remember now. This is the prelude to the Sparkling chapter. This is it, people. Sparklutz go to school, nothing happens. On the sunny weekend they go up into the mountain and Edward's favorite place (a meadow where he keeps his Bambis and such). The chapter ends just before he takes off his shirt and reveals to the world that he's the world's first human disco ball.

Quick Notes:
--Billy, Charlie's friend, brings over Jacob who wants to see Bella. Billy embarrasses Jacob and it's kind of cute.

-Jacob is all curious about who drover her home, and starts questioning her as if he has any right to do so. Bella wisely refuses to answer at first, but she tells him eventually because she has no spine.

-Billy wants to warn Charlie about Bella going out with Edward, but leaves before he can do so. Spoiler alert (heh, like I could spoil this any further): Jacob and his dad are werewolves, who don't like the vampires for some stupid reason.

- -Next day. Ed comes to pick her up.

"I couldn't imagine how an angel could be anymore glorious.There was nothing about him that could be improved upon."

..........And now let me tell you about the wave of pure, soul-crushing embarrassment that rose up in me when I read that sentence. You know those times when you feel so completely embarrassed for someone because they have just made a complete and total ass out of themselves and they don't know it?

That was one of those moments. I hate myself for feeling embarrassed for Stephanie Meyer, but I do. Did she have no friends who could tell her how bad that was? Just someone to say "Oh, honey, no" (H/T the FugGirls) ? Poor thing.

- They talk about Bella some more. Snore. Eesh. If you were 1000 years old, wouldn't you have thought of something better to do for all eternity than learn the life history of incredibly mundane 16 year olds? The answer: not if you're Edward "Creep" Cullen.

-Him and Alice are going hunting that weekend so that Eddie won't want to kill Bella when they're alone anymore. Lovely! And Bella dares him to go into her house and find the keys to her truck or something. Hint: they are literally in her pants.

-Alice is apparently the only one who supports his stupid crush. Hmmph.

-Here we go again:

I told you — you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

WISH FULFILLMENT MOMENT. YAY! What every girl wants to hear from her favorite stalker/creep! He says Bella takes him by surprise, blah blah the usual crap.

I don't understand how he says Bella takes him by surprise. Bella is -by her own admission, and from everything we know about her- incredibly predictable and mundane. So it's just such a fucking lazy way of getting around the problem of actually making Bella interesting or distinguishable in any way whatsoever. She's an empty puppet with no personality, so that we can all feel like we're her. We put ourselves in her place and can be adored by the Perfect Boy of Perfection. Blergh.

Now I totally get the appeal of this shit.

However (and this is a BIG However), there's also the somewhat unsurprising news that most Twilight fans hate Bella Swan while loving the hell out of Edward. But...I don't get how you can get past the fact that this guy is enough of a jackass to fall in love with a girl who is worthless? Or is it a case of "oh, if only he knew ME! I bet he couldn't read my mind either and I'm tons more interesting! I collect Ponys!"? I think it's just that they decide to ignore that one little thing and focus on the "romantic" things he says and his prettiness and whatever. Feh.

- Eddie introduces Klutz to his "sisters". Alice is nice, Rosalie is a bitch, then Edward leaves and Bella goes into a funk. Wah wah waaaah.

-OK so Ed's not there so you know whatever happens next won't matter. I'll keep it short:

Mike (who?) is still jealous. Ed brought her truck to school anyway--Which means, boys and girls, that he snuck into her house, searched through her clothes and got her keys from her pants. For some reason Bella lies to everyone about going to Seattle on the weekend. I probably missed something there but who cares. She does laundry and thinks about Ed some more.

-"Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."

Yeah, pretty much. And that's fucking insane and for the love of God, woman, don't be such a twat. She can't sleep. She should read Twilight! BADUM-TSSH.

I kill me.

- Next day he shows up, they're wearing matching outfits. Snerk. she feels inadequate. OH, so I just realized that they're not going to Seattle. heh. I guess they're going hiking. Better cover her head-to-toe in bubblewrap.

-14 (oh this is priceless):

His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.


-Almost immediately we get #15!

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

Me: The fuck? Just DO him already.

- HAAA! HE BROUGHT HER TO A MEADOW. Are there Bambis there? Bambis and Thumpers frolicking through the woods basking in the light of Edward's perfection and singing to him about how pretty he is while he responds about how he wants to find the love of his life in a dream made of rainbows and marshmallow unicorns? ARE THERE BAMBIS THERE BELLA?! ARE THERE? CAN YOU HEAR THE BAMBIS SINGING TONIGHT, BELLA?*

I cannot stop laughing. And now I'm gonna start crying because I so know what's coming up.

-AND THE CHAPTER ENDS. Oh, you whore.

*[I think that was me trying to quote Silence of the Lambs but I was laughing too hard to do it properly]


Final Impression: Yay! yet another useless chapter that is also mildly offensive to women!

Final Grade: D-, but only because the next one is the WORST.

"Pretty" count: 15


Anonymous said...

you know I hate these books as much as anybody... but I kinda think the reason why ol eddie sparklepants is "facinated" by el klutz-o... he can't read her mind (have you read breaking dawn to get the lame reasoning behind THAT... ugh... it was S.M.'s attempt at forshadowing maybe) anyway... he's what... 100+ years... she's the first person who he can't predict since he can't read her thoughts... so I took it to be that it caught his attention... like a shiny piece of foil in the water and he is just overly (stalker) protective because he doesn't want to LOOSE it...

whatever I know... the book is still teh suck... but your review is awesome :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I stumbled over here from Pajiba. I just have to tell you that this series is KILLING me. Your summaries are so funny that while reading in bed one night next to my husband, I laughed so hard that the shaking of the bed woke him up. I think it was when you were still referring to Meyer as "Poop."

I know that the books are truly dismal, but your reviews are such a treat. Please don't stop!

moo... said...

hehe, i do the bedshakinglaugh of husband-disturbance too. also, love these reviews. those quotes are reaching the limit for what i can take of this ick. thanks for taking all the pain upon yourself, figgy!!!