3-2-1, let's jam.*
*I heartily apologize for associating Cowboy Bee Bop with this monstrosity.
Chapter 13: Confessions
[Aka: In the future one of Poop's big Confessions will be that she stole every idea for this book from the Outlander series and her 12 year-old sister's journal]
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 15
Quick n Hard Summary:
Sparklutz are still at the Meadow of Unfulfilled Fantasies. Eddie takes his shirt off, he sparkles for some unexplained reason. They have some weirdly pornographic foreplay that never goes anywhere and it's all very disturbing because he so badly wants to
Just let me tell you that I spent the entire chapter with my face like this:
Scared enough? OK.
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,though of course he didn't sleep.
Oh God it keeps going.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
She stares at him for about 2 pages straight. And I'm only quoting the very worst of this stuff. Consider yourselves lucky.
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…
Gah! The Pretty-O-Meter is gonna set itself on fire soon. Much like my brain.
What pisses me off the most is that (once again) there's just NO reason why his skin glitters. Why the fuck would it do that? Vampires are supposed to be MONSTERS, for fuck's sake. They suck the blood of humans and are cursed and soulless. THEY ARE DEAD. THEY DIED AND WERE GIVEN UNNATURAL LIFE. That's their defining characteristic. Yet this pretty little fuck gets to sparkle like he's filled with sugar and goodness? WHY? Because Poop just decided it'd be so and so it is. It's infuriating in its stupidity. In short, Bella is in love with a fucking living statue who is covered in glitter. A mannequin. Congratulations, you win at life.
And it just makes you wonder why Poop had to go and ruin everything that was cool about vampires by making this idiot into one. He could have been some immortal, a highlander or whatever the hell. Why make him a vampire if you're going to take away EVERYTHING that makes him a vampire? Fucking weak.
- So Bella starts touching him in all kinds of dirty ways and it's really...pornographic. Specially for a novel written by some Mormon chick. Repressed urges and unfulfilled fantasies, whee!
-I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.
Sigh. This is so gross. and repetitive and boring. Also...wait, how does he even have blue veins?! VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE A CIRCULATION. The fuck, Poop! At least keep your shit straight! Basic biology FAIL.
His angel's face was only a few inches from mine.
SEE. What the fuck is there to say about this other than it's super cheesy and stupid brainless girls (and grown women) will love the shit out of it no matter how horribly it's written?
- -HAHAHAHAH so Bella ALMOST kisses him and he ZOOMS the fuck away and I die. He actually goes up a tree or something. Man, I get a feeling Bella's gonna be one unsatisfied chick before all this is over.
-Um. So this is very implicitly stating that they want to bone each others' brains out. Pardon the graphic nature of that, but it's true. They want to make out like HELL but he's 'dangerous' or whatever the hell. Warning girls: making out with boys is dangerous because it could lead to bad places! like they could suck your blood and kill you!
- Aaaand then Eddie Sparkles maims a tree in his desperation. ME MANLY MAN ME RIP TREE SO ME DON'T RAVISH YOUS.
-"I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I'd never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He'd never been less human… or more beautiful."
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK. So basically Eddy could be a fucking psycho killer but that's OK because he's so cute! And I'll be OK so long as he has some trees to destroy! NO! FUCK YOU.
-His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement.
- He keeps saying "don't be afraid", but I just get more and more disturbed because this is just too weird and veering freakishly close to, well, rapey. Like any second now I expect some abuse to go down because he can't "contain himself". Because he loves her so. Ick. It's so messed up. Even worse is that we're supposed to feel like this is super romantic. And some people actually do.
- So finally it comes out that Eddie's never been in love. Hee. the 1000 year old virgin. OK he's not 1000. They mentioned his age but I didn't care.
-[His voice was] Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice.
-She comments on how moody he is, what with going from romantic to super violent to quiet again. Whee! violent and bipolar! yay! my dream!
-""It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." He stopped, and I looked to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.I thought for a moment. "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway," I said."
Jesus, he wants to EAT you you stupid bitch. I know you're only 16 but come ON. Did they not have Stephen King books in fucking Phoenix? This chick is supposed to be a big fan of books but she hasn't read Bram Stoker? bullshit.
And it just occurred to me that, well, of course Bella's not going to believe that he's dangerous for her. Both because she's an idiot and because he hasn't shown himself to be really dangerous. A better writer would have created some actual conflict between these two, so that there would be something for Bella to overcome. As it is, they're both so perfect and Eddie is so harmless that there's absolutely no conflict at all. And it's just incredibly boring.
- "So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
Excuse me. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. WHAT THE FUCK. Healthy AND romantic? OH EDWARD MARRY ME. IS THIS SHIT FOR SERIOUS?! Argh. You know, I've had people tell me that "Twilight isn't so bad". That it's just poorly written but harmless. Well that's bullshit. This stuff is messed up beyond anything I've ever read. And it would be nothing if it weren't so popular. As it is, it's popularity just makes it seem MORE messed up to me.
-"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone."
And, um, eat you.
This is some of the weirdest stuff I have EVER read. Meyer has gigantic issues. There's just this horrible tone of abuse and just PSYCHO surrounding this whole thing and Edward Cullen. People actually find this guy romantic? I do get that it's some people's fantasy to be ravished by some dude who can't control himself from lust or whatever, but this isn't just about sex. This guy is an actual bloodsucker. Who's just as soon kill Bella as kiss her. I don't know what kind of person has a fantasy like that, to be honest.
-"Listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."
*Snort*. Neither is Bella's, cupcake. If you really liked her for her brains you'd know that.
-"Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life."
I am horrified. I'm staring at the computer and just...oh god. I'm cold all over. BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK.WORDS CANNOT CONVEY MY HORROR RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS. SOMEONE HOLD ME.
-"Isabella." He pronounced my full name carefully, then playfully ruffled my hair with his free hand."
Like she's a dog. I swear just when I think this can't get any worse. My god.
-"He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
THAT MAKES EVERYTHING OK THEN I GUESS. By the way, I got that picture when I googled "agonized". Yup.
-"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
Vomit. Yay inter-species, fucked up love where one could eat the other but won't because they are SO PRECIOUS.
NO NO NO NO NO. HELL NO.
-There's this whole gross thing like "he'll only hurt me because he WANTS me so! he hurts me because he LOVES me! it's OK ! I want to make it better for you to not hurt me! please love me!" and it just makes me sick.
- So they kinda rub up against each other some more and it's just plain weird. could be romantic but not after that fucknuttery that just happened.
I traced the shape of his perfect nose, and then, so carefully, his flawless lips.
-""But…" His fingers touched my lips lightly, making me shiver again. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
In 100 years no one's given this kid the bees and the birds talk? Eesh, can you imagine anything worse than this guy? Give Bella ten seconds with Eric the Viking and she'll be all "Eddie who? Take me to your lair of vampire pleasures!" and then she'd be fine.
-Oh thank god it's over. He makes her climb onto his back and they take off across the forest like howler monkeys. Or Tarzan dragging his bride home by the hair. That would be cool if this weren't so sickening. Heehee. she gets nauseous. Finally, we agree on something.
His beauty stunned my mind — it was too much, an excess I couldn't grow accustomed to.
Really? We're all sick to death of it.
-They kiss and his lips are cold, and I think of how incredibly unpleasant that would be after a while.
-"Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent."
WOOOHOO! YEAH YOU GO BELLA! YOU WANTON HARLOT! WHEEEEEE!
He pulls back. Pansy.
How lighthearted, how human he seemed as he laughed now, his seraphic face untroubled.
Seraphic! Is this the end of the thesaurus entry?
Brr. I feel like I've gone through the gauntlet. It hurts. Everything hurts.
Final Impression: I don't think I need to tell you. Horrified beyond anything in the world is a good summation of what that chapter was like. There were *17* mentions of how pretty Eddie is, and that tells you everything you need to know. Poop continues to ruin vampirism in every way imaginable. I continue to hate myself for reading this. The end.
Final Grade: Z minus.
Final "Pretty Count: 27