My friend Nathan, whom I blame for reading this (I dared him to read Book 1, we thought it was only fair that I do the same), was asking me the other day if I'd read the other three books in the series and do recaps. The answer is : I don't know, leave me alone, one book is horrible enough. BUT (and here's where my self-hating streak rears its ugly head) I can't deny that I'm curious. I want to read just how possessive Edward can get. I want to read about how horrible Jacob turns out to be. And, most important of all, I want to read about the vampire baby that eats Bella from the inside. Yeah, that's a real thing that happens.
I guess what I'm saying is I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. For now, I think I've made it past the most painful of pains and tortures in Book 1, and everything from now on should be a piece of cake. Like Chinese water torture after being set on fire. Or something equally appropriate.
One last thing. I want to point all you Non-Pajibans to this fantastic article by Pajiba's Steven Loyd Wilson. He's at Comic-Con, and he ventured into the deepest depths of Twilight fandom: the Twilight Fanfiction Writers Panel. Yeah, that IS a real thing. Anyway, the article is well-written and insightful, and isn't just another bashing of Twilight fans. Read it Read it here, it's worth it. It also started a good discussion in the comments, so go ahead and read that as well.
Anyway, it really opened up my eyes and made me realize that maybe not all real Twilight fans are deluded, or idiots. Some of them are fully aware of the failings of the series. Now...why they still love it, and Edward Cullen in particular, is beyond me. I don't understand getting so involved in something you hold so much contempt for, though I guess you could argue I'm doing the same. But this is research. Anyway. I think I've concluded that there's a lot of Twilight fans who aren't idiots. They're just insane and should probably find something slightly better to adore. But anyway.
OK. Now we'll leave behind SLW's articulate writing and get to my own brand of shouting and saying 'fuck' a lot. It's how I roll. Onwards!
***
Note: This is very, very long. I didn't even notice when I was reading, because at one point I stopped reading the chapter and didn't pick it back up for 2 weeks. If I had had an actual book I would have set it on fire. Apologies for the pain this will cause.
CHAPTER 14: MIND OVER MATTER
[AKA: I hate you, Stephanie Meyer]
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 27 (12 mentions in the last chapter alone!)
Quick n Hard Summary: So, after the Sparkling debacle, Sparkles drives Klutz home. Sparkily. As they go, we get some of Eddie's backstory. It's pretty lame, for a vampire. The other Cullens have much more interesting stories, plus some power powers. They go to Klutz' house, they're horrible with the staring and at some point I just stopped reading for about two weeks because I hated it so much. Then they lay on her bed, stare at each other some more, try not to make out some more, it's disgusting some more. Once again Poop veers eerily close to an R-rated pseudo-porn movie, but obviously nothing happens. In short: it's an extremely long chapter that never goes anywhere.
Real-Time Notes
-They're driving home. For the 1500th time, Poop mentions how well Eddie drives.
-"He looked into the sun — the light of the setting orb glittered off his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles — and spoke."
SHE SAID SPARKLES SHE SAID SPARKLES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
You know who else sparkled? THIS GUY:
Rock me, LiberacEddie!Cripes.
- Eddie plays Exposition Fairy. He was born in 1901, which means he's at least 100 years old. And has never had a date, had sex, talked to a girl or apparently even held a girl's hand. He's been an awkward teen forever, in other words. He was turned into a vampire when he was dying from the Sparkle Flu or something, and Carlisle bit him to save him.
I'm not even gonna get into everything that's weird about a grown, very old vampire saving this one gorgeous Adonis-like kid out of the millions that must have been dying during some flu epidemic.
- We finally get some stories on the Cullens, and it makes me think that this could be a vaguely decent book if it weren't all longing stares and different ways of calling Edward pretty. Though Poop would still have to learn how to write and not use adverbs like they're going out of style. But it'd be a better book all around without Mary Sue Swann over there.
28
"But she made it," I encouraged, looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes."
AAAH I CAN'T BEAR IT WEAR SOME SUNGLASSES OR SOMETHING GEEZ.
-So Carlisle got Eddie first (UH HUH), then Esme, who became Carly's wife. Then he got Rosalie who was supposed to be for Eddie, but Eddie was a virgin who was terrified of girls so Rosie went with Emmett. I think Carly wanted to start his own version of the Partridge Family. Now with 100% more sparkles!
Esme, Carlisle, Emmet, Rosale, Jasper, Edward Bonaduce, Alice. Perfect!-Jasper was wandering around being all emo when Alice found him and they joined the Cullens. Alice can apparently see the future in a way. I'm amazed that this is actually kind of interesting. We waited this long to hear about interesting characters? sheesh.
-"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" he teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?"
OK, dude. Here's my solution: move to NYC or San Francisco or Las Vegasor fuck it, Berlin. I bet you anything you'll see people parading around any day of the week, covered entirely in glitter, or blue paint and sparkles with their privates hanging out in broad daylight. And it's not like he shines like a freakin' Care Bear. He barely glistens! Do you honestly expect me to believe that the biggest threat to vampires is people freaking out because they SPARKLE?! This is seriously the most bullshit plot device ever invented and I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why Poop chose it. SPARKLING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH SPARKLING?! People would actually like you! The would use you as a disco ball at parties! LOOK AT LIBERACE UP THERE FOR SOBBING OUT LOUD.
ARGH.
-Argh. So. She invites him into her house.
29
"Would you like to?" I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair."
HE EATS CREATURES ALIVE YOU FUCK.
30
Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.
I have think that Poop has to know how ridiculous this sounds, but then I think that this idiot lacks even an ounce of self awareness and she doesn't even begin to see how cringe-worthy that sentence is.
-Ew. he admits to spying on her WHILE SHE SLEEPS and she is flattered.
I might just take that guy's advice
-"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" he teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?"
OK, dude. Here's my solution: move to NYC or San Francisco or Las Vegasor fuck it, Berlin. I bet you anything you'll see people parading around any day of the week, covered entirely in glitter, or blue paint and sparkles with their privates hanging out in broad daylight. And it's not like he shines like a freakin' Care Bear. He barely glistens! Do you honestly expect me to believe that the biggest threat to vampires is people freaking out because they SPARKLE?! This is seriously the most bullshit plot device ever invented and I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why Poop chose it. SPARKLING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH SPARKLING?! People would actually like you! The would use you as a disco ball at parties! LOOK AT LIBERACE UP THERE FOR SOBBING OUT LOUD.
ARGH.
-Argh. So. She invites him into her house.
29
"Would you like to?" I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair."
HE EATS CREATURES ALIVE YOU FUCK.
30
Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.
I have think that Poop has to know how ridiculous this sounds, but then I think that this idiot lacks even an ounce of self awareness and she doesn't even begin to see how cringe-worthy that sentence is.
-Ew. he admits to spying on her WHILE SHE SLEEPS and she is flattered.
I might just take that guy's advice31
"He sat in the very chair I'd tried to picture him in. His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away."
-"I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."
OH. HOLY. JESUS. It says everything you need to know about the infinite stupidity of Bella Fucking Swan when you read that she isn't even the slightest bit disturbed by this. Holy saints in heaven.
-""Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it.""
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
That's it. I'm going to bed. can't take any more of this garbage for tonight. Done.
**
[It was after that that I stopped reading for two weeks. But you won't be so lucky. Here's where I started back up again]
-And it's been almost 2 weeks since I read any of it. I had put it out of my head and couldn't remember why. I open up the document and...sigh. I hate myself.
-They hear Charlie come in and Eddie disappears. She's all nervous as she serves him dinner.
She finally escapes and Eddie is waiting in her room. IN HER BED. A GIRL'S BED. OH, EDWARD! HOW IMPURE! You'll get girl cooties!
-This is weird. She takes a shower, brushes her teeth, puts on her PJs... all while Eddie waits in her room. With her dad sitting downstairs. Seriously, if this were any other novel, there'd be sexytimes next. HOT sexytimes, because dammit, vampires are supposed to know about this shit. It couldbe AWESOME. But of fucking course...We have the 100 Year Old Virgin who's never touched a girl before.
Aaand now I'm flashing back to that one episode of True Blood where Sookie goes visit Eric and he's in his...dungeon...with the dancer and he's...um..phew. Excuse me.
32
"Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt."
GUYS. SHE ACTUALLY SAID "ADONIS". Like he's at fucking Mr Universe contest and there's some floozy describing him, like this:
I got this when I googled "Adonis". He looks like badly-packaged sausage links.
"He sat in the very chair I'd tried to picture him in. His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away."
-"I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."
OH. HOLY. JESUS. It says everything you need to know about the infinite stupidity of Bella Fucking Swan when you read that she isn't even the slightest bit disturbed by this. Holy saints in heaven.
-""Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it.""
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
That's it. I'm going to bed. can't take any more of this garbage for tonight. Done.
**
[It was after that that I stopped reading for two weeks. But you won't be so lucky. Here's where I started back up again]
-And it's been almost 2 weeks since I read any of it. I had put it out of my head and couldn't remember why. I open up the document and...sigh. I hate myself.
-They hear Charlie come in and Eddie disappears. She's all nervous as she serves him dinner.
She finally escapes and Eddie is waiting in her room. IN HER BED. A GIRL'S BED. OH, EDWARD! HOW IMPURE! You'll get girl cooties!
-This is weird. She takes a shower, brushes her teeth, puts on her PJs... all while Eddie waits in her room. With her dad sitting downstairs. Seriously, if this were any other novel, there'd be sexytimes next. HOT sexytimes, because dammit, vampires are supposed to know about this shit. It couldbe AWESOME. But of fucking course...We have the 100 Year Old Virgin who's never touched a girl before.
Aaand now I'm flashing back to that one episode of True Blood where Sookie goes visit Eric and he's in his...dungeon...with the dancer and he's...um..phew. Excuse me.
32
"Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt."
GUYS. SHE ACTUALLY SAID "ADONIS". Like he's at fucking Mr Universe contest and there's some floozy describing him, like this:
I got this when I googled "Adonis". He looks like badly-packaged sausage links."Now we have with us sexy, rexy EDWARD!. He is an tanned, buffed Adonis. He's a vampire, but still has a heart and will not mind crying at movies and playing with little babies and puppies. He is confident enough to love his sparkly, oily body! Rawr!"
It's too much, you guys.
- "You look very warm, actually."
DUDE. THROBBING SHAFT AND HEAVING BOSSOM IN 3....2...1... Baaah just another tease.
-Whoa. This is getting pretty heated. Like almost genuinely steamy if you forget that this is Bella the Blob and Edward the Permanent Virgin. It's like every foreplay scene in every romance novel ever. Which is weird considering she's 16 but whatever. Porn for Mormon teens, I guess.
-"So I was wondering…" I began again, but his fingers were slowly tracing my collarbone, and I lost my train of thought."
"Pulsing member" and "alabaster skin throbbing" in 3...2...1...
NOOO! DAMMIT SHE PLAYED ME AGAIN.
-Really, it's such perfect MO for Romance scene: all slow, alone, sexy whispered words...at 16. Ick. I don't know about you guys, but I don't get worked up over teenagers getting frisky. Ick ick ick.
- It's like she completely veered off from this stupid tale of chaste, teenage love into complete adult territory. OMG PG-13. And I'm annoyed because you know it won't go anywhere but also I HATE MYSELF because a part of me is like "oh my!" and this close buying this shit. And if I weren't, you know, me, I probably would. And then I'd want to kill her for being a tease. And I know that they don't even have sex until like 500 books in and even then it's offstage. What a fucking tease.
And that, children, is where Fan-fiction comes from.
- "He picked up one of my hands and pressed it lightly to his face."
This guy is so utterly ridiculous. I would've laughed in his face and broken his heart, poor thing.
-"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
They're talking about him drinking her blood of course, but we all knwo what this is about: THE SEX. The dirty, dirty sex that must not be named. Como se dice 'no sex before marriage?'
-"And it will be harder tomorrow,"
Tee-hee-hee. I'm SURE IT WILL. I am 12 years old.
-"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner."'
OMG who talks like this. Again--it's pretty obvious that she made him a 100 year old vampire so he can spout off shit like this without us all laughing in his face. Doesn't work for me, though. So:
HA HAHAHAAHA . Edward you are a gigantic cheeseball.
One of those. But sparklier.
It's too much, you guys.
- "You look very warm, actually."
DUDE. THROBBING SHAFT AND HEAVING BOSSOM IN 3....2...1... Baaah just another tease.
-Whoa. This is getting pretty heated. Like almost genuinely steamy if you forget that this is Bella the Blob and Edward the Permanent Virgin. It's like every foreplay scene in every romance novel ever. Which is weird considering she's 16 but whatever. Porn for Mormon teens, I guess.
-"So I was wondering…" I began again, but his fingers were slowly tracing my collarbone, and I lost my train of thought."
"Pulsing member" and "alabaster skin throbbing" in 3...2...1...
NOOO! DAMMIT SHE PLAYED ME AGAIN.
-Really, it's such perfect MO for Romance scene: all slow, alone, sexy whispered words...at 16. Ick. I don't know about you guys, but I don't get worked up over teenagers getting frisky. Ick ick ick.
- It's like she completely veered off from this stupid tale of chaste, teenage love into complete adult territory. OMG PG-13. And I'm annoyed because you know it won't go anywhere but also I HATE MYSELF because a part of me is like "oh my!" and this close buying this shit. And if I weren't, you know, me, I probably would. And then I'd want to kill her for being a tease. And I know that they don't even have sex until like 500 books in and even then it's offstage. What a fucking tease.
And that, children, is where Fan-fiction comes from.
- "He picked up one of my hands and pressed it lightly to his face."
This guy is so utterly ridiculous. I would've laughed in his face and broken his heart, poor thing.
-"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
They're talking about him drinking her blood of course, but we all knwo what this is about: THE SEX. The dirty, dirty sex that must not be named. Como se dice 'no sex before marriage?'
-"And it will be harder tomorrow,"
Tee-hee-hee. I'm SURE IT WILL. I am 12 years old.
-"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner."'
OMG who talks like this. Again--it's pretty obvious that she made him a 100 year old vampire so he can spout off shit like this without us all laughing in his face. Doesn't work for me, though. So:
HA HAHAHAAHA . Edward you are a gigantic cheeseball.
One of those. But sparklier.- Apparently he first went into her room at night after he saw that Mike was liking her.
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted."
NO. NO THIS WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. NO.
-"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me,"
I knew it. I fucking knew it. There it is: Bella is gonna "cure" and change the bad boy. As all Mary Sues will make the bad boy better.
Advice to girls that will go unheeded forever: you can't change people. And you certainly can't cure an stalkery, abusive asshole. Eddie will never stop stalking Bella. But that's OK because he LOVES her.
-So if you don't want to sleep…" he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
"If I don't want to sleep… ?"
He chuckled. "What do you want to do then?""
MAKE OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY MAKE OUT AND HAVE SEX AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. GEEEEEZ.
THIS PAIN WILL NEVER END.
-"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."
*cue massive raise in sales of freesia perfumes*
Shouldn't she smell like...steak or at least freakin' pancakes or syrup or something actually appetizing? Or is Edward such a damn girl that he likes to eat flowers? I'd like to think it's the latter.
-So he tells her why he's a Sissy Vampire. Something about thinking himself better than other vampires, of course. And how he never asked for it, blah blah. Why are the vampires in books never the cool ones? The Suffering Vampire cliche is so tired.
- "Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness."
The Cullen clan's super powers. SNORE. Oh, and Jasper can control people's emotions. Lovely. Eddie can read minds because he was probably a perverted peeping tom in his life.
-"I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was."
Girls, remember. We must control ourselves so as not to make the Dirty Boy Minds break with Dirty Impure Thoughts. We are their downfall and therefore must learn to keep ourselves pure and demure.
-She asks if vampires have sex, and she sounds very 16 years old for a moment, which is kind of nice. But then Eddie says how he'd be dangerous and too strong or whatever, and once again we get the weird note of abuse going on.
33
"He laughed, and then began to hum that same, unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel, soft in my ear."
SHE FINALLY FALLS ASLEEP!! HALLELUJAH THE CHAPTER IS DONE!!! SING PRAISE !!!
HALLELUJAH GODTOPUS BE PRAAAAAISED!
*Falls over*
***
Oh God I thought that would never end. I'm so sorry, you guys. Let's finish this.
Final Impression: I learned that sex before marriage is BAD and that boys can hurt you with sex and so you should not tempt them or show them your ankles. For they will want to suck your blood.
Final Grade: -Z . I didn't think it could get worse than that Z- last time, but there you go.
Final "Pretty" Count: 34
This almost killed me.
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted."
NO. NO THIS WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. NO.
-"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me,"
I knew it. I fucking knew it. There it is: Bella is gonna "cure" and change the bad boy. As all Mary Sues will make the bad boy better.
Advice to girls that will go unheeded forever: you can't change people. And you certainly can't cure an stalkery, abusive asshole. Eddie will never stop stalking Bella. But that's OK because he LOVES her.
-So if you don't want to sleep…" he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
"If I don't want to sleep… ?"
He chuckled. "What do you want to do then?""
MAKE OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY MAKE OUT AND HAVE SEX AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. GEEEEEZ.
THIS PAIN WILL NEVER END.
-"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."
*cue massive raise in sales of freesia perfumes*
Shouldn't she smell like...steak or at least freakin' pancakes or syrup or something actually appetizing? Or is Edward such a damn girl that he likes to eat flowers? I'd like to think it's the latter.
-So he tells her why he's a Sissy Vampire. Something about thinking himself better than other vampires, of course. And how he never asked for it, blah blah. Why are the vampires in books never the cool ones? The Suffering Vampire cliche is so tired.
- "Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness."
The Cullen clan's super powers. SNORE. Oh, and Jasper can control people's emotions. Lovely. Eddie can read minds because he was probably a perverted peeping tom in his life.
-"I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was."
Girls, remember. We must control ourselves so as not to make the Dirty Boy Minds break with Dirty Impure Thoughts. We are their downfall and therefore must learn to keep ourselves pure and demure.
-She asks if vampires have sex, and she sounds very 16 years old for a moment, which is kind of nice. But then Eddie says how he'd be dangerous and too strong or whatever, and once again we get the weird note of abuse going on.
33
"He laughed, and then began to hum that same, unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel, soft in my ear."
SHE FINALLY FALLS ASLEEP!! HALLELUJAH THE CHAPTER IS DONE!!! SING PRAISE !!!
HALLELUJAH GODTOPUS BE PRAAAAAISED!
*Falls over*
***
Oh God I thought that would never end. I'm so sorry, you guys. Let's finish this.
Final Impression: I learned that sex before marriage is BAD and that boys can hurt you with sex and so you should not tempt them or show them your ankles. For they will want to suck your blood.
Final Grade: -Z . I didn't think it could get worse than that Z- last time, but there you go.
Final "Pretty" Count: 34
This almost killed me.
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1 comment:
I haven't read twilight: insane in the membrane, but i did read the fistfuck that is midnight sun (cos it was free) and here is a quote for you to appreciate the extent of sparklepeen's creepiness : "I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. I
slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to find some oil for next time." He should be taking public showers by the end of chapter 2 if poop had any common sense. The thing is , please don't stop your reviewing I am ashamed but at the same time oddly curious about the popsicle sex.
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