OK NO SPOILERS HERE I SWEAR

So, I just wanted to get this down before (and if) I ever change my mind:

I'm drunk, but I think I'm still in my brains enough to know that I LOVED the way Lost was resolved. Specially the 'sideways timeline'. There were a lot of things that weren't answered but to be honest at this point I didn't expect every answer. I think I
m actually satisfied.

And the ending was SO SAD and so heartbreaking but somehow SO PERFECT for this show that I just cried and loved it. It really brought it all home with the music and oh god so sad. But so fitting

So there.

The Pain: Chapters 2 and 3

Onwards, soldiers in pain! Someone should've warned me that this shit just gets more painful after Ed and Klutz (her new name) meet. Not that it was very interesting before, what with the "I came home and changed into shorts. Then I made a sandwich. Then I washed the dishes. Then I stood in silence for 10 minutes" thing. But at least we didn't have Klutz freaking out over every single thing Sparkles did; specially when 90% of what he does is stand there and look pretty.

I'm getting ahead of myself, however. I'm barely on Chapter 2 of Project Pain. I think I can get 2 in here so let's move it along.

**
CHAPTER 2: OPEN BOOK

Fast n' Hard (ie:Quick Summary):

Klutz goes to school, she has classes. She comes home, emails her mom. She talks with her dad. She goes to school again and she and Sparkles look at each other a lot. They have science and they do a lab and he's suddenly NICE OMG SO IN LOVE WITH HIS PERFECTION. They do *science*.

Seriously, that's it.

Real Time Notes:

-Bella goes to school and frankly, I'm amazed she remembers people's names. Hee...the rest of her day sounds like my 9th grade journal "I went to trig and the professor called me and it was SO UNFAIR!"

I wonder if this is where the tweens go "SHE IS JUST LIKE ME!!11"

- Edward's not in school and she's all obsessed. Creepy. She's seriously freaking out over him not being there even after he had treated her like shit. A normal person would be GLAD.

-This detailed description of her day is just so boring. Where are the bloodsuckers? Where's the lust and the blood and the boobs? Ugh, if this were True Blood someone would be having sex in the bleachers by now.

-Oh good god we get an email exchange. Just like three pages of BIG COMPUTER FONT of stupid emails between her and her mom. Jeebus.

-She reads Wuthering Heights for the 'fun of it'. Good God, I couldn't even read that book out of self punishment. But it's so PERFECT for her because...come on. Wuthering Fuckin' Heights, indeed.

-God this is boring. She goes to school, it snows, Edward's not there, blah blah. Next day (or the same? I lost track from not caring) he's there.

They start shooting furtive glances at each other. Ugh. Mike is following her around and I hate him too.

-"His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips."

DAZZLING. That is the most dumbass description I've ever heard in my life. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE IN THIS GOOD EARTH. *STAB*

Lady, do you know what "dazzling" means? Let's research.

"–verb (used with object)
1.
to overpower or dim the vision of by intense light: He was dazzled by the sudden sunlight.
2.
to impress deeply; astonish with delight: The glorious palace dazzled him."

ARGH.

-Now Dazzler is all friendly to her in biology. He has an "enchanting laugh". Heehee.

"Or I could start, if you wish." The smile faded; he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent."

Oh man. I cackled. Because NO EDWARD SHE IS NOT.

-She notices his eyes changed color. Now they look like butterscotch. Mmm, I'm hungry all of a sudden.

-He asks about her mom because he cares. Then he says this:

"His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

And Bella is all OMG HE KNOWS ME SO WELL <3

-He has "ultrawhite teeth", apparently, and I LOVE IT. EDWARD GO EASY ON THE WHITENING JESUS THOSE THINGS ARE BLINDING. It's like that episode of Friends where Ross whitens his teeth and they glow in the dark.

Final Impression:
Listen, I know I'm not the ideal demographic for this shit, but do 16 year olds really dig a book about a bitchy girl who gives mundane details of her day? I know I didn't. Or is it just the appeal of Edward, who's your Perfect Man Archetype with the beauty and the mystery and the niceness? Must be it. To be frank he seems like a bit of a dud to me, specially for someone who's immortal. But, whatever, young girls like the harmless dude. Anyway. Bella's still annoying and Ed is pretty.

Final Grade: F for Fucking Boring.

**
One more? This one's pretty short.

CHAPTER THREE: PHENOMENON
(ie: Bella's stupidity is phenomenal!)

Fast and Hard:
Klutz goes to school and is almost crushed by a car, but Ed performs a miraculous superhuman save and she grows suspicious. She is taken to the hospital and meets Edward's dad, DrGorgeous Cullen. She's ungrateful and wants to know why Edward saved her, he says nothing, she goes home and dreams of him. Ick.

Real-Time Notes:

-She wakes up, has breakfast, wants to see Edward. I remember feeling like this when I was crushing on a boy, so can't really hate her for it. But I don't remember ever being intrigued by a guy who seemed like an emotional, bipolar douchebag. To each their own, I guess.

- "Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress."

No, Bella. No one ever thinks that about clumsy people, except maybe characters in cheap romance novels. Clumsiness is not a personality trait, it just makes you laughable. Also, stop projecting, Stephanie Meyer.

- A car almost crashes into Bella in the parking lot but Edward MIRACULOUSLY saves her (he was far away, then apparently zoomed to her side in a second). This is the point where anyone would wonder if they're a superhero of some sort. Bella wonders, and he lies about how he was standing right next to her (not possible simply because she would've been hyperventilating).

-"He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! THIS BITCH DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO USE A THESAURUS. I read this to my husband and he cracked up and said "maybe he's like Cyclops in X-Men" and SERIOUSLY. A hurricane is devastating you dumb fucking bimbo. "Devastating" does NOT imply something GOOD.

- They take her to the hospital and for some damn reason Edward comes along, so of course she's all freaked out.

-Edward's dad, the gorgeous doctor, Doctor GorgeousCullen, comes gliding in and he's gorgeous. He's gorgeous, ok?

-She's alright, so Ed decides to take her home. She tries to confront him about the magic van-saving incident. Blah blah he refuses to tell the truth, she harrasses him. He's pretty, they scowl at each other, etc.

-Seriously, she's angry that he saved her because he was so mean before and now he's nice and WHY EDWARD WHY. She's a completely ungrateful bitch, but we sort of knew that already.

"That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen."

Ah, shit.

**

Final Impressions:
So this is where we first start to suspect that there's something wrong with Edward. Bella's understandably intrigued, but she acts all bratty about it because that's her way. At least the Bella-almost-dying part was fun, and Edward got somewhat interesting. I, for one, would like to forget these two and get with Dr.Gorgeous, but whatever.

Final Grade: B- for something finally happening.

The (Twilight) Pain: Part 1

Last time I announced my new project to recap the Twilight books chapter by chapter. You can read more about my motivations in the previous entry, so I'll just get right into it, after a couple of addendums:

1) The project is hereby named "The Pain"
2) I'll try to post the recaps 5 chapters at a time. The first few are long due to introductions and whatever, but I have a feeling they'll get shorter as we go along.
3) I haven't read a new chapter in about a week, so I don't know how timely these posts might be.
4) I have no idea if these will be worth it. I always think I'm funnier than I really am, but I'll just let go of any expectations for myself and just try to convey the pain and the misery.
5) Like I said before, I read the summaries for these books a while ago, so nothing really comes as a surprise. Needless to say this will be full of spoilers (if one can even spoil such a piece of crap).
6) I'll try and stick to this format: a brief summary of the chapter followed by my 'notes', including quotes and other screamy bits. There's gonna be a lot of all caps.
7) I'm not gonna hold back on petty insults, screaming, poor metaphors, mockery of bad prose and sarcasm. Don't expect much coherence.

I'll stop explaining myself now.

OK. Here we go. I'll do Chapter 1 for now, because I have a lot of notes on that. The others will come in clumps, depending on the length of my notes.

***

BOOK ONE: TWILIGHT

We have a Preface.

"I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me."

I imagine it'd be quite an effort for some people to not breathe across the entire room. But hey at least the hunter looks happy!

Alright, now we get into it properly.

[I seem to have a lot of notes on Chapter 1. I'll post most of them here]

CHAPTER ONE: FIRST SIGHT

Summary:
We start out with the basics. Bella Swan (gag. I guess "Pretty" was too obvious for Meyer) is our narrator. She's 16, moving from Phoenix to Forks, a tiny town in rainy Washington to live with her dad. The dad, Charlie, is the police chief and everyone knows him and his bitchy daughter. He buys Bella an old clunky car, she goes to school and meets some kids who are super friendly to her but whom she immediately hates because she is kind of horrible. At lunch she sees the Cullens, a bunch of ridiculously beautiful weirdos who don't talk to anyone, so Bella is immediately drawn to them. Among them is Edward, the prettiest of them all. He's nasty to her in Biology class (he makes a face when she sits down next to him, NICE) and she's all hurt.

Real Time Notes

-Apparently Bella refused to go visit her dad at 14 and made him come down to see her. Lovely girl.

-4 paragraphs in and I'm already attacked by adverb fever.

"I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city."

-"My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines."

Psst, Bella: we don't know what you look like. This means nothing to anyone, you dolt.

-So she says bye to her mom and it's pretty unemotional. They hug, she flies, she's with her dad. Her dad's apparently happy to have her and has her school ready and a car for her. The way she was complaining about her dad earlier made me think he's a monster, but dude's pretty chill and far nicer than she deserves.

-Her dad is the police chief. They talk awkwardly about his friends, whom she can't remember and about how he bought her a car from one of them, which is pretty nice. She remembers to be grateful.

-Bella describes herself as a misfit and says she always feels awkward--like every 16 year old ever, I think. Of course she thinks it's just that she can't relate to people, so there must be something wrong with her. She's just so doom and gloom about it.

-She goes to school the next day, and for some reason we're given very detailed descriptions of things we don't give a shit about--like the Principal's office. It looks like a Principal's Office, woman. Unless this is going to be the scene of some steamy making out, I don't want to hear about it.

-"Isabella Swan" she says to the secretary. Hee. It's like being called "Beautifulia Hummingbird" with the subtlety and the over-the-topness of a harlequin romance. Hmm. I might change my name to that.

-"no one was going to bite me" she says about going into school. HARDEE HAR HAR I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

-Everyone's being super nice to her, but Bella's either terrified or just being a complete bitch. I can't blame her for not talking, I guess (we were all the New Kid once, right?), but the way she describes the people (UGH THEY ARE TALKING TO ME) is pretty gross.

"I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them."

How nice of you.

-Oh, noes. There they are. The Cullens sitting by themselves in the cafeteria. There's Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and of course, Edward. I can hear the Abercrombie store music begin to play. Just so we're all on the same page here: they're vampires but no one knows it.

-They're all pale, weird and gorgeous. A couple look really old, which once again leads me to ask why they need to go to High School at all. She's so OBVIOUSLY describing vampires that it's kind of hilarious. They're all freaky and mysterious and gorgeous and graceful and blah blah blah. They all have strange names and she thinks it's awesome because they're not like the other common losers around here--THEY ARE JUST LIKE HER OMG.

-She calls Edward "beautiful". Like he's a potted plant. Hee.

-So of course Bella likes them; they seem like pretty outsiders just like her.

-Bella goes to Biology and Edward is there. He looks seriously disgusted with her as she walks by. He looks like he smells something bad and I crack up at the mental image of Bella smelling like dookie. WASHINGTON HAS NO SHOWERS.

-She's all hurt. HE WAS SO MEAN (she actually SAYS that). Of course she didn't say a word to him and has been a bitch to everyone around her, so why anyone would want to talk to her is beyond me, but whatever. He doesn't pay attention to her so of course she's totally into him. Also because he's so pretty.

-I don't think "chatterer" is a word, Ms Meyer. So she meets this guy Mike who is nice and sweet to her, so she probably hates him.

-She's all confused that this one stranger doesn't like her (everyone else did!), when she hasn't liked anyone she's met today except the boy who was cute and wasn't fawning over her. Man, she's kind of horrible.

-His face was "absurdly handsome". It's absurd, alright. She goes home and cries into her pillow. This is what this chick calls a bad first day at school? Bitch, you're an idiot.

**

Final Impressions:

So that was it for Chapter 1. I started out sort of sympathizing and liking Bella, but she quickly grew into a brat who's contemptuous of her fellow classmates. So her day went really well and she almost made friends (she couldn't bother remembering their names, though) and seemed like a good first day to me, but of course the cute guy doesn't like her so she goes home crying. BRAT.

Bella's spoiled and completely self-absorbed. But she's also 16 so I kind of get it, but this is sort of extreme. Meyer's writing isn't horrible, but it's incredibly childish and the whole thing reads like a 16 year old's journal, which might be the point except that I don't think this woman is that good and that's just her mental age. Besides, who wants to read a 16 year old's journal?!

The biggest problem is that it's just incredibly dull. She spends pages and pages describing inconsequential details and the most mundane actions. I half expected to read details of how Bella makes a sandwich. Bella is just not a very engaging character, what with the bitchiness and the wanting to stay away from everybody. It should be a rule that if your narrator is going to be telling us their story, at least make the narrator interesting or likable. We're supposed to be interested in Pretty Edward, but he's kind of a bitch, too. Just not a very good start.

Final Grade: C for a bad start.

Announcing the Pain

So Lost was fucking awesome. But that's not what this post is about.

This is about how I started to read Twilight. I didn't buy it and I don't care.

It's going very slowly. First because I decided to take notes on each chapter, so I can do recaps and post them here for your reading pleasure. Or my own, really, because I'm not sure if anybody reads this. Plus it's really fun to make fun of a book so shitty.

I don't really get the people who say this book is addictive, because I have to force myself to keep reading and I'm only on chapter 7. It's boring me to tears, honestly, as there's only so much I want to read about a bitchy teen's daily lives, so some chapter recaps are gonna be mostly "this shit is boring". But hey, this way you don't have to read it yourself! I'm doing a public service here.

So that's what I'll be posting tomorrow, I think maybe the first five chapters, maybe there'll be pictures. I realize I'm not the first idiot on the internet to do this, but mine will be SPECIAL, coated in that special brand of figgy awesomeness that you all know and love.

The last, and biggest reason to read it is because I, being a Pop Culture Addict, MUST know what the big fucking deal is. I have to know what draws people in to this, and I have to gather some more fuel for the critiques. In the interests of full disclosure, I've read the awesome Cleolinda's Twilight Summaries, so I know just about everything that happens in these damned books. No surprises here, aside from the bad writing and sudden flares of rageyness. Also, I must share the pain with everyone and save you the trouble of ever reading the books yourself out of suicidal curiosity.

So tune in. I hope that, if anything, it'll get me back into the writing groove. I've been feeling rather...incoherent in my writing lately, and for that I blame facebook and the Pajiba message boards. There's something about commenting in quick bouts of capslock that leads to laziness and forgetting about eloquence in favor of a quick note or joke. It's not good for the brains. Must correct that.

My thoughts on Lost, because why the hell not.

The last Tuesday episode of Lost airs tonight, and I'm freaking out just a little bit.

See, I don't think you can understand this unless you've been watching the show since day 1, and haven't missed a single episode on the very night it aired. You don't understand the immense, frustrating journey that this damn show has put us through for the last six years. It's been a hell of not knowing anything, long and horrible hiatuses, scheduling shennanigans and over all a desperate feeling that the writers don't know what the hell they're doing.

And now it's ending and it's a big fucking deal to some of us. I've never been a Lost apologist or anything close to it; anyone that knows me knows that I've screamed "I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW" at my television more times than I can count. I know it has major flaws and that some episodes were utter piles of crap. I know that the dialogue was sometimes clunky and that I don't think I've ever hated a fictional character as much as I hate Kate Austen.

But still, I kept coming back. Because it was just that goddamn addictive. I think it required an awful lot of willpower to have stepped away from this show when it was at its worst (say, that one episode where we found out how Jack got his tattoos...the one with BAI LING in it) and I know people who did that. I couldn't have. Because...well, I have no power when it comes to television, and a show as good as Lost could be sometimes just keeps pulling you back in and won't let you go. Plus, there were a lot of really hot men to look at.

Oh those bastards know what they were doing, alright.

So, tonight is the last weekday episode, and the whopping 2.5-hour finale airs Sunday, and I'm gearing myself up for some serious disappointment. And I have a pretty simple reason for it: I don't trust the writers. Sure, they can be downright brilliant sometimes, but they won't fool me into believing that they had every move calculated before they put it in the show. From experience, I know they're just not that good. If they were, every single episode would feel as compelling and important. Even if something at the end would make most of it make sense it's still just not very smart to leave episodes dangling. What I mean is that for a show to be truly brilliant, for a mystery to be seriously great, you need for every single part to be as important and everything fit.

Now I know it's completely unrealistic to ask that every single question be answered. I know that and I'm not expecting it. I just want to feel like the ending fits. Like it was worth it. I'm prepared to not like the ending, as long as it's not a cop-out. If that makes any sense at all. I just know that we'll be talking about this for months on end. I just hope it's not like The Sopranos or Battlestar Galactica, where most people were left disgusted with everyone involved in the show.

So, just make it good. Make it compelling and make it fun to watch. That's all I want at this point. I don't want every question answered, but I want it to make sense. I want the writers to respect the viewers and not cop-out. I want them to pull out all the stops and leave us completely stunned.

I also want Kate to die, but that's pretty horrible and I know it won't happen but still. I hate that chick.

I'm sad it's ending, but I'm glad the pain will go away. I've never loved or hated a tv show so much in my life, and I suspect I never will again. And for that alone, this show was a complete success to myself and to a lot of people.

Well. There wasn't much point to this post other than I can't stop thinking about tonight's show and I'm going crazy. This is what not having a job does to me: it makes me freak out about things that I know have little importance in the large scheme of things. But that's the fun part, isn't it?

Truly Terrible Television

pre-publication note: I swear I never mean for these entries to be as long as they turn out to be. It just HAPPENS.

Hey! So remember how I said I was gonna do this and then do that thing and it would be wonderful and all that?

I suck at keeping commitments. I'd starve as a blogger.

I keep trying to get myself to write my 'Completely Horrible TV' post, but then I realize that I had only been watching one truly terrible TV show, and it's over now. It probably won't even get a second season, for which I am eternally grateful as the self-disgust will finally end.

But here's a few things I have to say about this one show and the genre in general.

It was this...this...thing, this abomination called High Society, that aired on the CW for about two months. It was a reality show engineered by 'socialite' (ie: pretty NYC blonde with a fuckload of money and no job) Tinsley Mortimer. Apparently it was done so she could revamp her image after her divorce, which seemed to happen because she was, in a few words, somewhat of a famewhore in the terrifying world of NYC 'high society'. The very idea of the show was fascinating and depressing to me. First because, who was this chick? Apparently she considered herself famous enough that she needed an image revamp, but I had never heard of her outside Go Fug Yourself posts that told me she was one of those Pseudo-Famous-For-Nothing Types.

Secondly, I think that at this point in the history of Reality Shows one has to be somewhat of a dribbling idiot to think that they can work to improve someone's image. If anything, it will shatter your reputation. You hear all of these participants claiming that they want to show what they're 'really' like, but... doesn't the very fact that you're participating in a Reality Show prove that what you want more than anything is for people to pay more attention to you? Does it do anything but infringe on this privacy that they claim they want to protect so badly?

I used to be really appalled that people would voluntarily choose to be part of these casts, as if they didn't know what was coming to them. As if they didn't know that the very reason why reality shows are so popular is that they feed us (mostly) unscripted drama and comedy from an entirely safe place. We get to witness the catfights without getting sprayed by thrown drinks. Then, of course, you realize that most, if not all of these participants know (they have to know) exactly what they're getting into. They just want fame badly enough that they'll jump into it gleefully to get their 15 minutes' worth. In the end, the world of the pseudo-celebrity Reality Show is a hellhole from which no one comes out looking well.

But she jumped into it. And by "it" I mean a pile of shit so deep and horrible that she will never, ever recover. Because oh, boy.

See, it wouldn't have been so bad if it had just been Mortimer alone. Sure, she's kind of vapid and silly but she's not a completely horrible person. She's just a bit dim, going around to fundraisers (which all look like they waste more money than they raise), random parties and other such "events". She doesn't have a job, of course, but seems to think it's interesting enough that she has a handbag line, just like every other uber rich girl with zero skills or talents (the handbags, by the way? fucking HIDEOUS). She has "problems" because she recently got divorced and her mother disapproves. So she's just this rich chick, who got some really bad advice to do a show. She's not that bad, just kind of useless.

So it's not her who's despicable, but just about everyone else on the show. Somehow the producers managed to wade through the sewers of New York to find what were probably the three most horrible people that have ever been on television. They don't even seem to know Mortimer really well, which just leads me to think that Tinsley's life was boring enough that the producers had to find someone else to create drama. I have honestly never wanted to slap someone so badly for just being a completely horrible human being.

One was this complete dreg of humanity called something Calderon (I remember only because he shares my second last name). He was gay (an insult to his people) and whiny and a druggie and he wore a bowtie. He threw drinks at people and begged his mom for money to spend on drugs and partying. He would go about getting into trouble and being proud of it, as if his biggest goal in life was to make it onto Page Six, which is just about the saddest life goal I can think of. "High Society", indeed.

There was also someone called Jules, who was all that this other guy was, only she was a heinous racist bitch on top of that. It made me nauseous to watch her, and it was probably during her scenes when I felt the most disgusted with myself for watching the show. But I couldn't look away, because I kept hoping that someone was going to give her some comeuppance at some point. Though, really, I wouldn't have been satisfied unless someone had thrown her off the tallest bridge, so it was kind of a disappointment when all that happened was that she got thrown out of her hotel. She was trash in its most pure form, which just goes to prove that money won't wash all the shit that's intrinsic to you.

The other 'important' one was this praying-mantis looking woman who apparently 'edited' a 'society' magazine and tried very, very hard to get Tinsley's attention by talking shit about her to other people. No one seemed to give a shit about her, which was pretty hilarious. And then Tinsley's mom went off on her and it almost made the whole show worth it.

In fact it would've been much better to just give Tinsley's mom, Dale Mortimer, a show. The woman was hilarious. She was just that Lucille-Bluth-but-less-evil type of rich woman that cracks you up. She seemed about the only person on the show to have her head on somewhat straight, even if she kept pushing Tinsley to get back with her husband, which was really gross after a while. But she was funny and seemed to know that her daughter was making a gigantic mistake and she wanted to do some damage control. You really got a sense that she was disgusted by her daughter's 'friends' and the world that surrounded her, but that at the same time she had no idea what to do about it. Her solution to everything seemed to be to fake your way through everything and remain happy.

But in the end, aside from a few horrible-person moments and Dale's mom, the show was pretty damn boring and depressing. Tinsley just kind of wandered about looking lost and confused, and the other people were just different levels of disgusting. If nothing else, it served to show that the people in the upper class (but not truly high class--ie, the beyond billionaires who would sniff down their noses at these dregs) must lead truly terrible lives. The great part was that the three pondscummed monsters in the cast kept trying to tell us all to writhe in envy of everything that they had. Because obviously going out to party every night, getting drunk, getting into fights and being completely wretched in every single possible way is everyone's dream. It was all done so desperately (ENVY ME! ENVY ME! PLEASE FEEL *SOMETHING* TOWARDS ME) that you ended up almost feeling sorry for people so completely disconnected from reality. The problem is that you can't have sympathy for monsters, and you can only hope that they'll end up exiled to a third world country slum never to be heard from again.

Now, the big question. Why did I watch? And my answer is that I don't quite know. It didn't even go on for that long, and it wasn't even that good for the drama. I'm sick to death of the Shows About Rich People, and I've vowed never to watch one, so why this one?

I don't know. I think I was just bored and I wanted something to yell at once ANTM was over. And there's just something about watching a trainwreck like Tinsley Mortimer make a fool of herself on TV. It was all terribly scripted, and if I had known how boring it would get I wouldn't watch it again. But it looked kind of silly in the previews and I love a good fight between horrible people (isn't that why people watch The Real World?). Plus, we all know I'm a sucker for punishment. At least it made for a blog entry?

But, anyway, now that's all over. Tinsley Mortimer can go back to showing up at random events and trying to sell her horrible handbags while she can. The other people can go back to the cesspool from which they spawned and I can go back to ignoring the fact that they exist.

And beyond that, there's always the hope in me that after seeing these monsters on television, the young and stupid kids who keep wanting fame for fame's sake might be a little dissuaded. Because if this is what money and the high life do to you, you're probably better off keeping that job at the supermarket and actually doing something for a living. You might remain human.

And maybe, just maybe, the shitty ratings this show got means the beginning of the end for the Pseudo-Celebrity Reality Show. And the Rich People Doing Things Genre, because it's frankly insulting.

Hey, at least I know I'm not missing anything by not being a multi-billionaire. It's nice when a show teaches you to appreciate what you have and to be grateful for not being surrounded by absolute monsters and have to call them your friends. Aw, some good came of this after all! I like happy endings.

The Embarrassing TV I'm Watching

Christ I'm terrible at updating this thing. What I need is some kind of deadline to make me sit down and update at least once a week. Let's randomly say Thursdays, because, um, that's today. And most of the TV week is done.

So here we go. This is where I admit to watching some TV shows that would disgust the more discerning viewer. But, hell, sometimes you need a break from the dramatic and the scripted; a chance to delve into the mundane and the stuff that "other people" watch and enjoy (She says as she polishes her monocle and sniffs down her nose at the little people).

These are the shows that aren't completely horrible, or disgusting. They're just bad. Bad, but highly entertaining. And which I enjoy, albeit with a little sense of shame that comes when I think that I shouldn't be watching this. That watching this only encourages "them". But which I watch (heh) loyally.

THE EMBARRASSING STUFF

America's Next Top Model

After a disastrous season last year (the "short" season, in which, hilariously, the winner was 5'6" because PETITE MY FOOT) that almost made me renounce this show, Tyra and her posse of demons is back with a vengeance. They managed to do this mostly by doing three things--three wonderful, brilliant things that have helped make this one of the most ridiculous and entertaining seasons this show has ever had. They are:

a) Bringing in Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley as a judge. This guy:


Yeah. And he ALWAYS dresses like that. He wears massive capes with giant sleeves, and tusks around his neck and this dude is batshit insane. He's hilarious, and terribly articulate, and makes truly bizarre observations such as: "You give me off a vibe of something luxurious, and a woman who is used to rings, and is used to jewelery,she's used to big rooms, big men, big lovers, big houses. She's used to the good life. And the way you're seated is gorgeous!"

I love this man. The best part is that he's managed to completely upstage Tyra in levels of crazy and dramatic. And Tyra can't do a damned thing because this guy actually has power. So she shrinks in the magnitude of his insanity and it's hilarious to watch. It's like they brought back Janice Dickinson, but BETTER. I want him to stick around forever.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

b) They pushed Jay Alexander out of the judging panel and right where he belongs: doing short, hilarious appearances where he 'teaches' the girls to do things like walk or 'show their personalities'. This guy is a great character, but only in small doses. And his interactions with Tyra were getting to be a bit too much. By putting him in the background again they made his appearances more surprising and welcome, and now I can go back to not hating him.

c) The producers of the show went out of their way to cast the most ridiculous, insane, trashy drama queens they could find in all of the USA. But for a couple of exceptions (who are boring and therefore left the show early or will leave it soon) these girls are truly horrible human beings. They screech, they fight, they instigate fights, they throw tantrums...and the best part is that they lack self-awareness. It's funny that there's still girls so delusional out there who really think that this show will get them anywhere, when not one of the winners has managed to have an actual modeling career (in fact,some of the finalists have had more success than the winners). But they're there, and they buy every word out of Tyra's mouth as if it were gospel. And oh, it's so much fun to watch. The simple truth is that at this point they producers are really digging at the bottom of the barrel for contestants, bringing in some girls who have zero chance of ever doing anything with their lives. And some girls that are just plain ugly and would never make it as models. Angelea is the perfect example, and she encapsulates everything about this show: this girl is TRASHY and really not good-looking at all. She starts fights, says ridiculous things, has delusions of grandeur. And she's a reject from a past season! Who was clearly brought back for the drama but now she's being praised by the judges! And, since Tyra loves a gimmick for a winner, I have the nasty feeling that this chick is being set up to win. Brr.

Well, that unexpectedly turned into another diatribe. I never know I have so much to say about this moronic show until I start writing about it. But, hell, it's just so much fun to watch. Even more fun to yell at the TV about how deluded the girls are. I'd feel sorry for them except that this show has had like a hundred seasons and they know exactly what they're getting into. And what they're getting into? constant humiliation, getting their expectations raised only so that the judges will have more fun in bringing them crashing down, and maybe a couple of nice photos for the portfolios they'll carry around as they try and fail to get jobs. If anything they have less of a chance of making it as models after being on this show. And they had it coming.

*ahem*

Moving on.

Corazon Salvaje

Now this is a little easier to explain, I think. Corazon Salvaje started out as a 1957 novel. It was pretty great actually-- set in the 19th century it was all about dashing pirates, noble families, unrequited epic love, murder, drama, romance, etc. It was the Gone With the Wind of Latin America, which means that it was a huge hit and was immediately adapted into a TV series in the 50s. Then in 1993 it was brought back in its most famous adaptation, which became an insanely huge hit not only in Latin America but all through the world (I have a Croatian friend who was a huge fan of it in the 90s when it played in her country). I remember watching it and loving it. It was all elaborate colonial costumes and epic romance, plus an outrageously handsome hero who went by the name of JUAN DEL DIABLO. Because, how much more awesome can you get?



Rawr. So, anyway, it was a giant, beloved hit of a Telenovela, probably the best ever done in Mexico.

And then they decided to bring it back last year. A new adaptation. There was of course a huge outcry at the very idea of desecrating the memory of the show, but there were some people who were into the idea. That is, until they actually saw the show. And this is what I'm watching now.

It's a tornado of Bad. The awesomely bad. It's so bad, in fact, that it needs an entirely separate post, because I have so much to say about it. So I'm going to leave that for later. Let's just say that I watch it almost every night and I'm completely in love with the horrors within it. Even my non-spanish speaking husband enjoys watching it. It's embarrassing, but oh so much fun to watch. More on that later.

**

I think that's it, really. I somehow thought I'd have more to file under this category, but the only other thing I watch regularly falls into the Truly Horrible category, which will be posted soon. Of course, I watch a lot more TV than this. But everything else is more sporadic than anything else. Like I'll watch Modern Family or Parks and Recreation every now and then, but while they're good they're not really shows that call for my undying devotion, for whatever reason.

There's others like The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and South Park that I watch online because we don't have cable.

Then of course there's the eternal staples, watched in reruns that I've seen a hundred times before but can't get sick of. Things like The Simpsons (I'll mostly ignore new episodes, but early ones still kill me), King of the Hill (hands down my favorite animated show) and sometimes old episodes of Friends.

In addition to all that I've been watching Muneca Brava on youtube. It's this Argentinian telenovela from the early 90s that I never finished watching back then. It's pretty repetitive and sometimes terrible, but it's a lot of fun and a great time-waster.

The list would undoubtedly be much longer if we had cable. So I suppose it's a good thing after all to only have broadcast channels and not have to pay outrageous fees so I can find more ways to waste my time. Maybe when I finally get a job we can get cable, but then I'll probably have less time to waste on television. So no need, really. Plus with pretty much all shows available online or on Netflix (best thing ever or what?) there's no real need for cable.

That's it for now. Thanks for tuning in to my Bible-length dissertations of terrible TV shows. Coming up next, some more horrible confessions and a full write-up on Corazon Salvaje. You should all be watching that, by the way. Look up your Univision guides and find it. You'll have a blast, I promise.

The Good and the Sort-of-Alright TV I'm Watching

Finally some inspiration has come to me and I can write an update. That's only mostly true, though. Thing is I do have a lot of posts in mind but never get around to writing them because of, you know, the crippling laziness and oh there's always so many other things to get distracted by on the internet. But I'm gonna make a special effort (yay me!) and write about a topic that will get me babbling like nothing else in the world will: television. Specifically, what I'm watching lately. I went back into my archives and found out that I'm particularly amused by my rants on shows that I loved then but hate now (Heroes is the main one) and rants on shows that are I'm still obsessing over (damn you, Lost). So maybe in a year or so I can get back to this entry and crack myself up again. It's easy to do that.

So let's usher in a long-delayed update on Stuff I'm Watching. As usual, this will be both about shows that I genuinely love because they're quality TV,and (mostly) about shows that I'm slightly embarrassed to be watching. And then there's a couple that I'm kind of disgusted about liking. And there'll be a little on shows I know I should be watching and might get around to eventually.

THE GOOD STUFF:

Lost

Final season, people. And this bastard has kept me hooked from episode one (the only other show I've ever been so loyal to was The West Wing) so I'm not about to give up now. I almost did a couple of seasons back. But it's kept me going and we're finally getting some closure; which is a good thing, considering how much of a brainfuck this show can be. Anyway, it's down to the last six episodes or so, and I'm digging it. Aside from the massive amounts of time being wasted on filler (the alternate timeline has some significance, I'm sure, but it's still boring) the show's been nicely balanced between some great action pieces and great character moments. I specially like that Kate's had her stupid ass kicked into irrelevance on the show. It's not quite as good as having her die altogether, but I'll take what I can get. And it's ALMOST OVER. It's pretty damn exciting and I can't wait to go back to the beginning and watch the whole thing over (I've watched most episodes only once) once the pressure of an ending is gone.

Glee

Because I'm a sucker for musicals and Jane Lynch. There's really no need for further explanations. This show's just so damn happy and infectious...when it wants to be. It has some problems. It does kind of get bogged down in the drama sometimes, and it suffers from the fact that the supporting characters are far more entertaining and interesting than the protagonists. It's a shame, really, as I think it would be the perfect show if it weren't for the near-constant focus on Finn and Rachel, who can get tiring pretty quickly. The other downside is that some of the songs have become so over-produced that they're hard to watch without feeling a little embarrassed. These kids have amazing, beautiful voices, and the insane auto-tuning and plastification (does that make sense?) of the songs for no other reason than it might sell more records is just irritating and completely out of place. The show is great when it's in that outrageously campy, happy place and the songs sound authentic--and whenever Jane Lynch is on screen. I just hope the supporting characters get more of a chance and the auto-tune gets dialed down.

I'd also like to add just how incredibly angry it makes me that FOX decided to move the show from Wednesdays to Tuesdays. Not only does it clash with Lost (so that I have to watch it online the next day) but it leaves Wednesdays without anything decent to watch (more on that later). It'll be better when Lost is finished, I think, but it's still a dickish move.

THE SORT-OF-ALRIGHT:

The Office
*sigh*
I just don't know about this show. The first three seasons were brilliant. Then the fourth season just kind of sucked a little bit and the fifth was pretty damn terrible. The sixth started out beautifully, and the wedding episode might've been one of the sweetest moments in TV history. I've watched it three times and cried three times. Because the show had finally gotten somewhere, and it was the perfect place. So now...what? Pam and Jim had a baby, but Jim is back to being a salesman with no real future prospects. Michael is still the same asshole he's always been, and while that might've been tolerable at the start, the fact that he hasn't changed at ALL even after all the shit that he's been through is just beyond ridiculous and implausible. NO ONE can remain such a horrible, clueless person for so long. Not after all that's happened to them. So the fact that nothing's really changing in this little world (which admittedly might be the real case in small offices but just doesn't work as well on TV) just keeps the show meandering forever, and it's just not very interesting television.

I stick with it mostly out of fierce loyalty and the knowledge that there's still gems hidden in every episode, but I find myself just barely able to watch Michael, which is just not good when he's so prominently featured in every episode. So, I don't know. I just don't love it nearly as much as I did, and it makes me sad. I think the show desperately needs an end-date. Maybe one or two more seasons, with real development and top-notch writing. And it needs to back off Michael. I really can't take much more of him anymore.

30 Rock:
I really like, but not love this show. It's good, and sometimes great, but it's not something that I can obsess about. Sometimes it's just there. Something to watch on Thursdays that's light and occasionally hilarious.

Project Runway:
I missed the last season of this show, so I think one of the main reasons I'm really enjoying this season (the 7th) is because of how much of an improvement it's been compared to the borefest that was season 5. That one had the Horrible Kinley and the Boring Leanne, who won the entire thing because everyone else was terrible.

This season's had some pretty fun contestants and really pretty dresses, with some incredibly talented, original designers on board. Of course it was also full of the mediocre and boring, the most glaring example of this being Emilio Sosa, whom I just can't stand but whom the judges love because he makes pretty and safe things. My pick for the winner is Seth Aaron who really rocks it out and has made some really awesome designs this season. Plus I can never get enough of Tim Gunn, and this season had Anthony, whom I want to take home and keep around as my best friend. There was a moment where he screamed 'ALL OVER YOUR RHINESTONES!' at a clown in the circus in his hilarious Georgia accent and I almost died from how wonderful it all was. I keep yelling it all over the house.

But the show has problems. The time restrictions on challenges are always a problem, because how can you expect these people to really rock it out with so little time available to them? Then you yell at them for sucking, but it's really your fault for rushing them? It's annoying and takes away what's really great about this show: that these are people with genuine talent who have to use it to win. But with the time restrictions all you really get is people trying to be less sucky than someone else there. And that's cheap.

So I still like this show but it'll never be as good as it was the first two seasons. I don't really know how it could improve except by changing the rules of the game. But I'll keep watching.

*****

Check back next time, where I'll cover The Embarrassing Stuff, The Truly Horrible Stuff and the Stuff I Should be Watching and Will Someday.

A dream is a wish your inner-geek makes

Had a series of truly bizarre dreams last night. These are the ones I remember:

1) Waking up in the middle of the night because our microwave (which is from the 1800s and doesn't work) was giving off sparks. I ran to the bedroom, (because in my dreams I'm a complete spaz, apparently) and tried to wake up MrFig. He wouldn't budge and I had to freak out and yell "FIRE!" in his ear to wake him up. Finally he did. He marched into the kitchen and unplugged the microwave.

Conclusion: dream me is an idiot in panicky situations. Also, too much King of the Hill. You know, that one episode where they're volunteer firemen and they set the building on fire with a busted beer sign? That one.

2) There was some kind of evil institution that was kidnapping girls and turning them into idiots. By sucking out their brain power or something. So myself and a crack team of heroes (I think I remember my sister and one of my former students) decided to bust in and rescue the dumb damsels. To identify each other as 'smarties' we cut up a big day-glo sheet and glued bits of it to our hands. I remember it glowed. So then we went in, but the institution staff came in and we had to pretend to be dumb girls. An orderly came in to the room that I had run to and tried to read me a book. I had to pretend I couldn't understand anything and couldn't, for some reason, talk. Then he said "I'll make you a hologram!" and he tore a strip of paper from the book, folded it in half and said "TA-DA!"

Conclusion: too many Shutter Island trailers. Also, what the fuck.

3) There was a big dance/singing competition in this basement theater. There were some girls I knew from college there. So people went up to the stage in groups or by themselves, and they started singing and dancing. I remember one group of girls went up and lip-synched to a Beatles song I'd never heard but somehow recognized in my dream. I clapped.

Conclusion: I blame Jezebel. Harlot.

4) Went shopping at Macy's at the mall. There had been some gigantic sale, apparently, and almost all the shelves (in the 'Home' area) were empty. There were only a few shelves full of Christmas stuff, and some Easter things as well. I remember I fought my way through the crowd and picked up a sparkly, round Christmas ornament. It was expensive, but I remember thinking that I would convince MrFig that it was somehow vital that I have this. I went down the escalator but found myself at the baby section. OH NO. There was a table with a registry for a baptism, and I thought of how ridiculous that was before I got on the escalator going up.

Conclusion: the hell?

**

I think that's it. I can conclude that I watch way too much TV, too many ads, and that my brain is a moron when I sleep.

At least I get to wake up laughing?

Sometimes I crack myself up

This was my response to this:

If I were an actor at the end of a junket I'd start answering questions in the most insane manner possible. Just to fuck around with the last-tier journalists.

“Which member of “The A-Team” do you most closely identify with?”

The van. Because it got rode hard and dirty, knowadaimean?

“‘Dynasty’: Krystle or Alexis?”

TEQUIIIIIIILAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

“You’re not even slightly sentimental for the 80s? “
The Tiki God in all of us demands a sacrifice to the great spirit of wine and coconuts. I, for one, will choose a small cockatiel and tie it to the strings of the wind and release it into a rainbow of pure mineral spirits and song.

Etc.

***

Yes, sometimes I like to save my own witty comments so I can reread them and feel pleased with myself. I am hugging myself right now, because I'm the funniest person I know. Plus, since I run the EE I can't really pick my comment for it, can I. I mean, I could, but...don't want to start a revolt, ya know? So I want to save it here and show it to you all like a plaque on my desk.

NO IT'S NOT SAD SHUT UP.

Book Review: "Contact" by Carl Sagan

How would we react if some day, out of the blue, we received some sort of intelligent message from outer space? How would the world change with the realization that there really are other intelligent beings in the universe? Would it change our politics, our social structure, our religion?

That's the question at the very heart of Contact. Ellie Arroway, a brilliant radio astronomer (she uses telescopes to listen for radio emissions from outer space) one day stumbles on a repeated signal coming from the vicinity of the star Vega. Through the use of SCIENCE! and complicated MATH, she and other scientists discover that it's a coded message to build a machine. What the machine will do, no one has any idea, and a lot of time is spent in trying to figure out if this machine should even be built in the first place.

That's the larger plot in a nutshell, but it's really a backdrop to the real meat of the story. Sagan introduces a lot of characters, each from very different backgrounds and nationalities, the better to try and give us as many perspectives regarding the message as possible. What he really wants to do is try and explore how different people would react to something like this. We have Ellie, who is a scientist but also somewhat of a romantic, so she takes the facts as they are while letting her imagination go wild about aliens and other worlds. We have a Palmer Joss, a pastor who argues with Ellie about God and religion, and how the message affects the view that God created and is constantly watching over the Earth. The great thing about these arguments is that they're not the cheap "you're wrong, and I'm right" bullshit that gets thrown around in most arguments of this sort. Sagan makes both characters equally intelligent and passionate, and it's pretty great to read. We also see the perspective of the President of the USA, her military adviser, and their counterparts from other countries around the world. The book is full of dialogue and argument, all of it changing as new levels to the message appear. There's really not a lot of action, and there are spaces that cover years as people argue about the wisdom of building the machine, who should go on it, what it will do, what will happen to the world, etc.

It gets a bit slow in parts, but I was rarely bored by it. The parts that I felt drag dealt with very complicated science and mathematics, the kind of stuff that makes me cross-eyed and I can't even begin to understand. Thankfully, though, these are pretty rare in the book and I didn't feel too bad about, well, skipping large paragraphs of what was gobbledygook to me. But other than that the book is pretty exciting, and the final chapters are just brilliantly done and unexpected. The only other problem with the book, though it's really not Sagan's fault at all, is that it was written in 1984, and some things might feel a little dated. But it's a testament to how strong the book is in that it still holds up well today.

The best thing about the book, to me, is how strong Sagan's female characters. After years and years of reading about vapid, largely stupid women protagonists (most written by women), it was refreshing to get a character like Ellie Arroway. She's brilliant and she knows it, and she's had to fight her way into being accepted by the scientific community. She's strong and imaginative, and doesn't take any bullshit. I loved her. Sagan also makes the President of the USA a woman, but it's just a fact he throws out, and it's never made into a big deal. It's just so rare to see not one, but two strong female characters in one book, and I was very happy about it.

So don't expect a lot of action or craziness with this book. It's thoughtful and takes its time. And it's a brilliant look at humanity and how we each react to different things, how we look at the world and our place in it. I recommend it if you want a more ponderous read than usual. And don't worry, it's nothing like the movie (which I liked, but I know a lot of people hated).

I suck at predictions, and some more thoughts.

Movie -- right! 1/1

Director --right! 2/2

Actor -- right! 3/3

Sup. Actor -- right! 4/4

Actress -- wrong! 4/5 (ARRRRGH DAMN YOU BULLOCK)

Sup. Actress -- right! 5/6

Animated -- right! 6/7

Art Direction -- right! 7/8

Cinematography -- right! 8/9

Costume Design -- right! 9/10 (knew it)

Doc. Feature -- wrong! 9/11 (should've known dolphins > Burma)

Doc. Short -- wrong! 9/12 (eh)

Editing -- wrong! 9/13 (I'm glad I was wrong)

Foreign Film -- wrong! 9/14 (honestly surprised)

Make-Up -- right! 10/15 (heh. though really not deserving)

Music -- RIGHT! 11/16 (yay Up!)

Song -- wrong! 11/17 (stupid Avatar)

Short Film Animated -- wrong ! 11/18 (stupid French)

Short Film Live -- wrong! 11/19

Visual Effects -- right! 12/20 (obviously)

Sound Editing/Mixing -- wrong! 12/22 (glad I was wrong)

Adapted Screenplay -- wrong! 12/23 (hmmph)

Original Screenplay -- wrong! 12/24

Sheesh. 50% right. This is what I get for not believing in The Hurt Locker enough, though I blame lingering bad memories of Titanic winning everything. I thought the Academy would suck up to Cameron again, but I'm very glad it didn't.

**

Some more thoughts on last night:

- WHY did they line up the nominees at the start of the show? They looked like cattle, and it was completely pointless. And THEN you give us 10 minutes of each getting their asses kisses by peers? STOP IT.

-Maybe it was the booze, but I really thought Ben Stiller was funny. It was probably the booze.

-The winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award must feel insulted that they took it out of the show. In favor of an interpretative dance montage.

-Good on them for honoring John Hughes, but they should have done it while he was, you know, alive.

A gut reaction to the Oscars.

Some very quick notes on the Oscars:

1. Katherine Bigelow RULES.

2. For all this 'most successful movie of all time' bullshit (and it IS bullshit, for many reasons), Avatar took what, 2 Oscars? Just because a movie is pretty and makes money does not make it a good movie.

3. Sandra Bullock winning for a mediocre performance in a mediocre movie is just plain WRONG. I like her, and I like her movies, but come ON. That was ridiculous. Five seconds of any of the other actresses' performances looked better than her entire role in that movie. She shouldn't have won for this. What probably happened was that the vote was split between all of the others and Bullock managed to eke out a win by a slim margin. Still, very wrong. And she looked completely surprised by it, something about her body language said she didn't think she deserved it. And she was probably right.

4. Gabourey Sibide was hands-down the best dressed woman there. Loved her so much.

5. Good lord, but I hate Oprah Winfrey.

6. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were terrible. TERRIBLE. Their entire schtick at the start was painful and far, far too long. It had no life, no chemistry, no humor in it. It was cheap, is what it was. So low for these two actors. And Baldwin looks massively uncomfortable up there. Goes to show that just because a guy is hilarious at presenting awards and receiving them, doesn't mean that he will be good handling a crowd this size for so long. He looked angry and awkward. I'm going to start a rumor that they had a huge fight before the show and that made Baldwin pissed at Martin. Maybe the fight was about how terrible the writing was. Because, dude, that was terrible.

7. Speaking of Dudes, I'm so glad Jeff Bridges won. I love him and his entire family.

8. That thing where they have random people talk about the nominees for Best Actor and Actress? THAT NEEDS TO GO AWAY. Everyone looks so awkward, and the nominees look uncomfortable and that just needs to stop NOW.

9. Really, I did NOT expect Hurt Locker to win so much. It makes me happy. I love that a woman FINALLY won Best Director, and I love that this one quiet, thoughtful movie took home the award.

10. Interpretative dance needs to DIE. That was painful to watch.

11. I really, really need to watch Inglorious Basterds. Whoever is hogging it on Netflix needs to GIVE IT UP.

12. The Academy's sad attempt to draw in the young ones by bringing in the Twilight morons and She Who Shall Not Be Named Who Sounds Looks Like a Chipmunk was excruciating. Taylor Lautner can't speak a word without looking like an idiot and Kirsten Stewart always looks pained and angry. Keep them on MTV.

13. I still hold to my view that 2010 was a terrible year for movies. Really, if they had to draw from the likes of The Blind Side, you know they were in trouble.

14. Most of the dresses were gorgeous this year. There were a lot of the big, flashy, impressive dresses that I love to watch. But there were also some hideous things out there, the top 3 Most Hideous Looks Going to Charlize Theron (lovely color, creepy things grabbing her breasts), Jennifer Lopez (looked like the mesh people used in the last Project Runway challenge), and the absolute worst being Sarah Jessica Parker (bad hair, bad makeup, horrible shapeless dress with horrible accessory plopped in the middle). Runners up were Vera Fermiga (in a dress that would've looked better on someone else, and with different makeup) and Miley Cyrus, who just looked out of place as usual). Most WHAT IS THAT look goes to Zoe Saldana, no discussion.

15. People need to stop kissing George Clooney's ass so much. Yes, he's charming, but it's been done before. Just let it go, people.

Overall an OK show. The truth is that I feel there weren't enough great movies or performances to get excited about this year. Not enough flash, too much of the quiet stuff that no one saw. I hope 2010 is better.

Oscar Predictions 2010

There's really no reason for me to do this, as I've seen a grand total of 3 of the 10 Best Picture nominees, and even fewer from the other films nominated for stuff. But, I want to, just based on word-of-mouth and other people's predictions. So, here goes:

Best Picture:
I really want The Hurt Locker to win, if only so it'll make James Cameron shut up (I can dream). I think it will, because the Academy loves to be all holier-than-thou and really doesn't like awarding fantasy films. To be completely honest, I liked, but not loved The Hurt Locker. It was good, but not THAT good. But I hope it wins, just because I want a woman to get top honors. The only others I've watched are District 9, which was amazing but has no chance of winning, and Up will win Best Animated Feature, so it's out of the running here.

Best Director:
Kathryn Bigelow is my pick. But James Cameron might snatch it away, because of what he did with Avatar. Whoever wins this won't win Best Picture, I think. That almost never happens.

Best Actor:
I've only seen Jeremy Renner's movie. I don't think he'll win. I'll give this to Jeff Bridges just because he's awesome and it's about time he won something. I wouldn't be surprised if Clooney won, though, because apparently he's great in that movie, but I want The Dude to get it.

Actor in a Supporting Role:
I have seen NONE of the nominees here, but from everything I hear anyone except Christoph Waltz shouldn't even show up. I love Stanley Tucci, but I don't even want to watch The Lovely Bones.

Actress in a Leading Role:
Oh! I actually saw Julie and Julia! It was pretty much a terrible movie, but I did love Meryl Streep in it. Carey Mulligan will win though, because that's what I've been hearing. I'd LOVE for Gabourey Sidibe to win, because she's a fount of joy and I love her, but maybe she's too new to win such a big prize. Then again, I've never heard of Carey Mulligan, so who knows. Helen Mirren already won. Sandra Bullock's nomination is almost insulting.

Actress in a Supporting Role:
From what I hear, no one but Mo'nique should win this, even if I hate her apostrophe. She's a pretty cool chick though, so I hope she wins. I really want to watch Precious (screw it, I'm not writing that whole stupid title), but I'm also scared to. The dark horse here could be Anna Kendrick, though she bugs the hell out of me for two reasons: 1) she was in Twilight and 2) she was in Rocket Science, which I loathed. It's not fair because she's a good actress, but there you go. Gut reaction.

Animated Film:
I'm 90% sure Up will get it. It was a great movie, not my favorite from Pixar but it was another solid flick. I would love for Coraline to take it though, because it has some of the most gorgeous animation I've seen in years, and I love stop-motion stuff. Haven't seen any of the others, but I'm dying to see The Secret of Kells.

Art Direction:
I saw Sherlock Holmes and wasn't really impressed. I think Avatar will take this one pretty easily.

Cinematography:
Avatar will take almost all the technical categories, I'm sure. Like Titanic did--none for acting or screenplay, plenty of technical ones. Looks like it deserves them, too. I saw two of these! yay Harry Potter.

Costume Design:
Sherlock Holmes should've been nominated. Hmm. Based solely on how the Oscars usually work, The Young Victoria will win. They love them some period pieces.

Documentary Feature:
uuuh...any holocaust movies? No, really, they always win. I don't see any, though. So we'll go with the Burma movie because it's the best subject. What the hell do I know?

Documentary Short:
Um. Let's go with the China one. For no reason other than it's first on the list?

Film Editing:
Avatar, though I loved what they did on The Hurt Locker. It was so incredibly tense all the time, and the editing was brilliant.

Foreign Language Film:
A Prophet, because it looks fantastic.

Make-up:
I have no idea what El Divo is. Let's go with Star Trek because I really liked the makeup on people and I actually saw it.

Music:
I want Up to win because of how sweet the score was. But I think Avatar will take it.

Original Song:
I haven't heard any of these. Let's go with one of the Princess and the Frog songs, because Disney almost always wins these. Though I'd love for the dude named T-Bone to win.

Short Film Animated:
Wallace and Gromit are awesome, so let's go with that.

Short Film Live Action:
Uh. I have no idea. Let's go with The Door just because.

Sound Editing and Sound Mixing:
Avatar. I have no idea what the difference between these categories is.

Visual Effects:
Avatar. Star Trek had way too many damn sun flares.

Adapted Screenplay:
An Education because NICK HORNBY. YES.

Original Screenplay:
Give it to Tarantino. Just because the idea was awesome.

That's it! Stay tuned to see how right or wrong I was.

Book Review: "Rhett Butler's People" by Donald McCaig

Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind is my favorite book of all time. Tolkien's work follows closely, but doesn't come close to my utter adoration for the story of Scarlett O'Hara. It was one of the first books I ever read in English, back when I was in the 8th grade, and I will always remember Mrs Carter fondly for giving it to me to read. I've read it at least once a year since then, have the movie memorized almost line for line, and it never gets old. To sum up how deep my love really is, I will confess that I have read the insultingly bad "sequel", Scarlett, by Alexandra Ripley, almost three times in my life.

Let's get this out of the way: Scarlett was an abomination. It was a treacly, poorly written follow-up that butchered continuity and completely changed the characters into laughably caricatures. Worse: it turned Scarlett O'Hara into a childish idiot. While I won't deny that the Scarlett of Gone With the Wind was a massive fool when it came to men, she was never dumb. Alexandra Ripley destroyed one of the greatest stories of all time.

And yet, I read it repeatedly. And made myself forget that it was supposed to be part of the same saga. It just happened to have characters named Scarlett and Rhett. Then it wasn't so bad. But oh, every time I finished reading I wished desperately that someone else had written the sequel. I wished it had never been written. How could you follow up on it? And yet, I wanted the story to continue. It's not the sort of story you want to end. I have always resented Alexandra Ripley.

All this is a very long-winded way to say that I was really terrified of reading Rhett Butler's People. Would it be another heartbreak? Would I be completely disappointed again?

The answer is both yes and no. It's complicated.

Let's start with the good. The absolute best thing about McCaig's book is that it completely obliterates any traces of Scarlett. For that alone it should have a statue built in its honor.

The story begins long before the events of Gone With the Wind, and it's all about the inimitable Rhett Butler. We learn who he was before he met Scarlett and was doomed. We meet his family; his tyrant father, his almost-invisible mother, and his sister Rosemary. We meet his friends; both aristocrats and former slaves. It follows Rhett as he goes to war, and those chapters are beautifully told.

It's a great story, finally helping us figure out what made Rhett the way he is. The story follows every character and their stories, and what's best, it connects everything beautifully to the events in Gone With the Wind. It's so exciting for a fangirl like me to recognize places and characters from the original story, and to see how they were connected to Scarlett and Rhett throughout their lives. Even better is to read passages between the two characters that were never in Gone With the Wind--it's sort of like a 'deleted scenes' version of the book at times.

It's a well-written, well-researched and thoroughly entertaining story, even when it isn't focusing on Rhett. In fact, I almost enjoyed reading the story of Rosemary more than that of Rhett. McCaig fleshes out the characters and makes every story interesting. Well, almost every story. And here's where we come to the negative parts of the review.

For all that this is the story of Rhett Butler, this isn't the Rhett Butler we all know. He's a softer, much nicer version of the romantic anti-hero from the original book. And that means he's a lot less fun. Rhett's scathing sense of humor is almost completely gone, replaced by someone who broods entirely too much and who needs to stop whining already. Scarlett is also transformed. Not dumbed down as Ripley did, but...when did Scarlett become so mature? This is where the fangirl in me yelled "SHE NEVER CALLED HIM CAPTAIN BUTLER WHAT THE HELL?" at the book. Because I yell at books. There were more than a few instances where Scarlett and Rhett acted so much against character that I almost put the book down, and it didn't matter how much I had been enjoying the rest of the story.

The problem, as much as I can figure it out, is in tone. Gone With the Wind was a flawlessly written book, full of excitement and passion, with characters and plot turns that kept you engrossed and excited. And most importantly, it had a sense of humor. It was emotional: funny, tragic, frustrating, exciting, etc. It had lighthearted moments followed by deep tragedies, and the chemistry and energy between the characters always kept things interesting.

McCaig's book, I think, takes itself too seriously. It's a very Serious book. Rhett's humor is gone, Scarlett's insane logic is gone, the excitement is gone. It's a book about war, and loss, and it's very good at that, but I would've liked something else. It's a good book, and a decent sequel, but it could've been so much better.

Maybe I'm not being fair. I know I have ridiculously high expectations. But in the end, I have to say I was pretty happy with the book, while also somewhat disappointed. I liked the start, loved some of the middle, and absolutely loved the ending, because it's the right one. It wasn't great when it was following Rhett and Scarlett for the reasons mentioned above, but it was great when it followed the other characters. It changed Rhett and Scarlett too much for my liking, but it was good to hear from them again. It does a beautiful job with continuity and follows up on things I'd been wanting to read about for ages. But it also made me outright angry in parts.

As I said, mixed feelings.

In the end, I'd recommend this book to anyone who is a fan of the original. Because, if nothing else, you will never, ever have to read Scarlett again. And for that alone, I'm eternally grateful to Donald McCaig.