I was going to write a review of Wicker Man. I was going to try to write a review, anyway. But you know what? I can't.
So here is an exact transcript of the 'notes' I took on notepad while I was watching the movie. There are no words to encompass the utter mind melt this movie brought upon me. Maybe this will help. I think you can pinpoint the exact moment when my brain just goes into full incomprehension mode.
And don't worry, there's no need to have seen the movie to enjoy this. In fact, it's better if you never, ever watch it.
Why did 6 different production companies do this? So none of them could take full blame for it? Clever.
Is this a joke?
I love when cars in movies just spontaneously burst into flames for no reason at all.
why is everyone asleep in this movie?
I want to hit these people so they talk faster
WHO WROTE THIS.
lolol why did he have to check on his needles? so we know he has them?
everything's ok. No, it isn't.
It's like...nothing. what is this. It's so boring. And nothing is happening.
CREEPY MUSIC. Nic Cage Frowns! DANGER!
I am on the edge of my seat. Because I am about to fall out of it. From utter boredom.
Creepy barns! yay cliche!
ARGH THE FLOOR ARGH. Yeah.
Pigeons. Not a nic cage movie without pigeons.
What is this MUSIC. It sounds like stormy period movie music but he's just walking in a barn. CREEPY. EXCEPT NOT. The only creepy thing is his hair.
God who did this score?
NO HONEY. DUN DUN DUN DUN! ARRRGH NO HONEY!
This is the most scintillating dialogue since I listened to two old men reading hte phone book to each other.
SHE HANDED HIM A BOWL. DUUUUUUUUUUUN! WEEEEOOOOOO.... [that's me trying to replicate the TENSE! STRINGS!]
A tree. wooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeee....
creepy pregnant women! Ooooh. Not.
sweeping strings for the pregant women!
Walk into the school why not interrupt classes you bastard with bad hair.
Everything this guy says makes me want to punch him.
His wig looks specially wispy today.
The hair! and the music! is confounding! AAH!
OH NO HE DID NOT JUST ERASE THE BLACKBOARD!
YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG. YOU DESERVE THE BEES.
*Nic Cage points at blackboard, his hair screams "WHERE IS THIS GIRL!"
me: That is not a girl. That is a black board.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHAT?
This woman's hands are attached to her hips.
NOT THE BIRD IN THE DESK! AAARGH!
What is this southern accent nic cage is trying to go for? It sounds pseudo-Georgian by way of Douchetown.
Creeeepy stones.....wwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooonnnnnnneeeeeee eee eeen
Woman. say something.
This woman sounds more bored than Nic Cage himself. I didn't think that was possible.
oooh creepy cage in the ruins. Snore.
FINISH A SENTENCE YOU WENCH
Stop talking in stupid pseudo cryptic language you wench.
This is ridiculously pointless and stupid and boring. why should he believe anything this whackjob is saying? Oh right, he's a moron.
This woman has the most boring voice imaginable.
NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND WHY IS THIS MUSIC SO FUCKING DRAMATIC.
WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH HIM SITTING THERE. FOR HOURS
um. um. he just DREAMED TWICE. DANGER! DRAMA! AAAH!
RITUAAALS OF THE ANCIEEEENTS...creeepy music!
Ooh the book must be evil.
WATCH Nic Cage SKULK. IN THE BUSHES.
That's what a good cop does. BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
This woman answers NO QUESTIONS AT ALL EVER. Did she escape the island on Lost?
Wow that was the least romantic kiss ever. Ew. I feel dirty.
WHY DID HE RUN RIGHT INTO THE FIELD OF BEES. I am allergic to bees and I SHALL RUN STRAIGHT INTO THE FIELD.
This thing has no plot at all. What the hell.
Nic Cage put some pants on for the love of everything good and holy please.
The fact that Ellen Burstyn is in this makes me die inside.
GOD NO ONE CARES SHUT UP EXPOSITION FAIRY.
SOUNDS LIKE INBREEDING TO ME. That would explain Nic Cage.
This is so fucking painful and boring jesus help me.
Why is leelee sobieski in this damned movie? why? what does she do? why? did they pay her? WHY?
Oh good lord if I see one more flashback I will die. ARGH.
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW DO YOU HAVE A JOB.
Something bad is about to happen! I CAN FEEL IT! Yeah. I felt this when this movie started. Before that.
OK there's a dead man in te bed and he just doesn't care.
what the fuck woman covered in bees. oh god.
STEP AWAY. FROM THE BIKE. TAKE YOUR STUPID MASK. That's not quite as good as 'put the bunny bawk in da bawx'. Yeaah wave a gun at an unarmed woman.
I DON'T NEED FUCKING PERMISSON. Yeah, you're Nic Cage! You're a Coppola, damnit! Don't need no one's permission!
GOOD LORD. the last five minutes of this have been spent going WHAT THE FUCK.
HE JUST PUNCHED A WOMAN
HE JUS TOTALLY PUNCHED A WOMAN IN THE FACE
HE'S BEATING UP LEELEE
OHMYGOD HE JUST KICKED HER INTO THE WALL! WHAT THE HELL!
OH NO. THERE HE COMES. IN A BEAR SUIT. A FUCKING BEAR SUIT.
LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC. It's trying so hard to be Mozart's requiem. Oh this poor composer's trying SO HARD to add some emotion to this movie.
OHMYGOD the bear punch! was better! than I could ever have imagined it!!!!!! OVERLOAD!
Oh God he's still wearing the suit. This is a furry's best dream.
Yeaah..the cellphone works after being under water for ages. Hee. Pete can't help you know, Nic! You punched a woman! You're doomed.
Let's yell into our cell phone. That will lead them off your trail.
What the fuck is going on. Ooh the little girl is totally evil. Like we didn't know that.
Oh Ellen Burstyn. Do you have no self-respect?
Good lord the twins. The twins talking simultaneously.
What the fuck is this dialogue?
YOU BITCHES! YOU BITCHES! YAAAGH!
It won't bring back your goddamned honey. It will bring you the ghost of Nic Cage's wig.
NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! ARRRRGH! ARRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAARGH THEY'RE IN MY EYES AAAAAAAARGH! ARRRRRGH!!!!
Nic Cage got all his screams from speech bubbles in old Batman comics. YEAGH! RAH! EEAAAH!
That's kind of an awesome statue. It does not deserve Nic Cage.
I like all the women with the cute face paint. "I was a tiger!"
Oh lord he's not dead yet. They're dragging this on. And on. ARGH. DIE ALREADY.
I think my brain just shot itself.