Figgy's Favorites: RomComs Edition

I think you all know by now that despite my Tough-Talkin', Hatin' exterior, I'm kind of a big softie inside. So, while I despise everything related to Valentine's Day (except for the cheap chocolate tomorrow), I figured this was a good a time as any to write this list.

You should also know that I love Romantic Comedies. I watch them obsessively. All of them - hell, I've watched everything Kate Hudson has ever made (so now you know why I hate her), just because I want to find the gems amongst the piles of crap that Hollywood produces year after year.

These are the gems. They're the movies I'll sit and watch over and over again, the ones who'll get me all blubbery and grinning like a fool every single time I watch them. They may not be cinematic genius--most of them riddled with the same cliches as the bad ones-- but they make me happy.

For all intents and purposes I'm using this basic definition of a RomCom: A comedy centered and revolving around a love story. I like this definition because it gives me a more narrow field to work with, and because it excludes a lot of comedies that just happen to have a romance in them but that I wouldn't classify as RomComs. Some examples of this are Shaun of the Dead or High Fidelity; two great movies, but not RomComs to me. I know some people might not like that definition, but it works for me. So: Comedy and a love story at the center.

1. Bridget Jones' Diary



Best Moments: The confession, of course. The birthday scene (that look he gives her across the table? Sweet jeebus) and of course, the kiss at the end. That kiss. Ooh, honey pass me the fan.

Best Assets: Zellwegger whom I will always love for this movie alone, Colin Firth's accent and sexy stares, Hugh Grant being deliciously evil, Bridget's Parents (Slugworth and Madame Pomfrey!), Gaius Baltar as the gay friend, the soundtrack.

Best Line(s):
"Wait a minute...nice boys don't kiss like that."
"Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Dumb Thing To Get Over (But that you can get over pretty easily): Trying to make us believe that Bridget Jones is fat. But the whole point of the character is that she thinks she's fat but isn't.

2.The Truth About Cats and Dogs:



Best Moments: The conversations between the girls, the visit to the department store, the photo session, and of course, the phone conversation. Gets me all oogly every single time.

Best Assets: Janeane Garofalo at her most awesome, Ben Chaplin's accent, the dog, Uma Thurman being thoroughly likable for the first time ever.

Stupid Thing to Get Over: The ridiculous premise, the idea that Janeane Garofalo isn't as beautiful (if not more) than Uma Thurman.

Best Line(s):
"What's wrong, Abby?"
"Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't fix"

3. While You Were Sleeping:



Best Moments: The scene where she first meets the family, the Christmas dinner, the wedding, the first visit to the apartment.

Best Assets: Sandra Bullock at her most adorable, Joe Junior, Bill Pullman looking like a sexy carpenter, Peter Gallagher's insane eyebrows, the entire, ridiculously lovable family.

Stupid Thing to Get Over: The lie is pretty flimsy, but works perfectly. Also that anyone would fall in love with Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows.

Best Line(s):
"I'd say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don't know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don't know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really... likable. "

4.Bringing Up Baby:
[Note: I suppose this would fit in better under the "Slapstick Comedy" genre, but I'm putting it on here because I can.]



Best Moments: Oh, all of them. The whole movie is a succession of hilarious scenes and brilliant moments. If forced to pick one, I'd say the whole scene at the restaurant.

Best Assets: Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn. Need I say more? Well, the leopards are pretty great, and Hepburn's wardrobe is amazing. George the dog is great.

Stupid Thing to Ignore: If you're really picky, the Walking Irish Stereotype can be a bit much for some people.

Best Lines:
"Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but - well, there haven't been any quiet moments

5.Sleepless in Seattle:



Best Moments: the entire radio conversation at the start, Meg Ryan and Rosie O'Donnell watching An Affair to Remember, then Rita Wilson describing it, the guys "crying" over The Dirty Dozen.

Best Assets: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, both completely sweet and believable, the fact that this movie manages to convey chemistry between the two of them without them ever talking to each other, the kid who plays Jonah, the whole supporting cast (Rita Wilson, Rosie O'Donnell, Victor Garber, Bill Pullman, David Hyde Pierce).

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Jonah somehow manages to fly from Seattle to NYC way too easily. Things were more relaxed in the 90s, but not that relaxed.

Best Line:
"You don't want to fall in love. You want to fall in love in a movie

6.Four Weddings and a Funeral:



Best Moments: All of the weddings, Rowan Atkinson as the priest, the girl learns sign language for the deaf boy, the final scene, John Hannah reading the poem at the funeral.

Best Assets: Hugh Grant as his most stammery, John Hannah and Simon Callow, Kristin Scott Thomas, the horrible wedding clothes, the pretty scenery, and Duckface.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Andy McDowell.

Best Line:
"In the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family..."I think I love you,"

7. When Harry Met Sally



Best Moments: The first conversation in the car, the conversation during Casablanca, the double date, the grand speech at the end.

Best Assets: Meg Ryan's hair, Billy Crystal's line delivery, Carrie Fisher, the horrible 80s wardrobe, the chemistry between Crystal and Ryan.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Billy Crystal is not a pretty man.

Best Line:
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

8.Love, Actually:
[I know a lot of people hate this one...but a lot of people hate fun, too.]



Best Moments: Laura Linney finally kisses her gorgeous man, Andrew Lincoln with the boards, every scene with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman, Hugh Grant dances, Colin Firth in a pond again, every scene with Bill Nighy.

Best Assets: an incredible cast. Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson. Liam Neeson. That girl who sings "All I want for Christmas".

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: I don't like the storyline with the kid, or the Colin-goes-to-the-US, or the way the Laura Linney story ends. But everything else is pretty great.

Best Line:
"-Well, I was worried. I thought it would be something worse.
-Worse than the total agony of being in love?"

9.10 Things I Hate About You:



Best Moments: Heath Ledger sings (see above), the party (and the bit with the swings), the prom, Joseph Gordon Levitt tries to recruit Heath Ledger.

Best Assets: the cast, including Heath Ledger at his sexiest, Joseph Gordon Levitt being adorable (though he does nothing for me), Julia Stiles being great, the dad, the gorgeous location, Allison FRAKKIN Janney.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: The stupid bet, because it's formulaic. But it's pretty easy to forget that it even exists sometimes.

Best Line:
"-Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"?
-As opposed to Planet "Look At Me, Look At Me"?

10.Ever After



Best Moments: the gypsies, the scene at the library, the bit with the ruins, the ball...hell, every scene that the two have together is quite wonderful.

Best Assets: Drew Barrymore's at her most lovable self, Dougray Scott managing to look hot even while wearing a giant cup, Angelica Houston, the beautiful locations, the couple that plays the King and Queen.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Leonardo da Vinci. It's so dumb it's kind of hilarious.

Best Line:
"-It is not fair, sire. You have found my weakness, but I have yet to learn yours.
-But I should think it was quite obvious.

11.The Matchmaker
[Yep, Janeane Garofalo again. I love her so much]

Best Moments: the singing contest, the pretend family fools the Senator, the whole trip to the Inishmore.

Best Assets: Janeane Garofalo, all of those delightful Irish accents, the scenery, Dennis Leary.

Stupid thing you need to ignore: The sex scene is terribly unsatisfying.''

Best Line:
"-Is being an idiot like being high all the time?
-No, it's like being constantly right."

*****

Honorable Mentions:
-You've Got Mail
-The Philadelphia Story
-It Happened One Night
-The Wedding Singer
-Moonstruck

So, there you go. Hope you get around to watching the ones you haven't seen. And please, be kind in the comments. Remember that these are my personal choices, and I never claim to have flawless taste. So add your own, or fight me if you must.

A Rant About Movies

I like all sorts of movies. I like the really foofy, Oscar-baiting stuff. I like the High-Brow comedies and even some of the poop-humor ones. I like a good romcom, I like the indies, and sometimes I love movies that are about nothing but shit exploding. That makes it kind of hard for me to pin-point exactly what sort of movies I like when someone asks (and then they regret asking, because I never give a straight answer), because I just know I like movies.

Then there's the movies I just don't like. It's not just the obviously bad ones, like Transformers or anything that Martin Lawrence has ever done. Sometimes it's the critically-acclaimed, almost-universally loved movies that I despise. And sometimes I don't even have a rational explanation for why I don't like them. Maybe it's because I dislike a character, or an actor, or the soundtrack or because that one guy in the second scene looked like smelled of cabbage.

This is a really long-winded way of getting to the point of this post, which is that a couple of days ago my favorite Movie and Pop-Culture website, Pajiba, posted a list of "Ten Classic Films Overly Judgmental People Will Cut You For Hating". You can see it here. The basic idea is that these are movies that the so-called Movie Snobs (at Pajiba and elsewhere) will defend to the death. Mention that you dislike them and you're in for a lecture.

That's not often the case for me. If anything, I'll judge you and rant and you for liking a certain movie.

Anyway, I think it's a really great list and it started a pretty long, contentious discussion in the comments, where I, as usual, ranted about how much I hated some of the movies on the list and others to boot. And because I'm a narcissistic fool who likes to rant about her own opinions to a length not allowed or tolerated in the comments section of a blog (where my comments might get lost in the flood) I wanted to bring the list over to my blog and tell you how I feel about each of the movies on the list. Some people did that in the comments but I'd rather not take up half the page on Pajiba (I mean, it's my JOB to read the comments and not even I can get through some of the really long ones).

Apart from the narcissism, I'd just like to have this post so I can refer to it when anyone gets confused over my taste in movies. That, and you guys know I love to rant. I try to edit myself and fail miserably.

See? I can't shut the hell up. Anyway, these will be my mini-reviews of the movies on the list. The ones I've seen, anyway.

Let's start:

10. The Hours
Here's one where I just don't understand how anyone could get worked up about it one way or the other. I liked it, I think. It had some beautiful moments (the scene where Julianne Moore's character imagines she's drowning was specially poignant) and the acting was flawless. But it was boring in spots, and definitely depressing. It's the kind of movie that makes you angsty because you can't really understand why all these people are miserable. It helps if you've read the book (which I reviewed here) because I think you get a better grasp of what the connections are between the characters and their stories. I just didn't think it was all that spectacular a film, and I certainly don't think that Nicole Kidman deserved the Oscar for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf. It was...fine, helped along by a stupid nose prosthesis, but you know they only gave her the award to make up for not giving it to her for Moulin Rouge (her best performance to date, I think). The thing is that I can totally see some of the film snobs out there ranting about the beautiful silences and quiet suffering and whatever. I just know it was kind of boring and forgettable. Film snobs are so full of shit sometimes.

9. The Warriors
Haven't seen it. I didn't even know it existed until it showed up on this list, and I still have no idea what it's about (Dustin reviewed it but I normally don't read reviews of movies I've never seen). Next!

8. The English Patient
I had no idea about this, but apparently this is one of the most viciously hated movies of all time. At least, every single time it's mentioned on Pajiba you'll be sure to hear someone saying how much they hate it. To them I say really? Listen, I love that movie. Loved it. Have loved it since the first time I saw it and I fell in love with Naveen Andrews and Juliette Binoche and I sobbed towards the end. I loved the music, I loved the story, I thought it was one of the most gorgeous movies ever photographed. But I can see why people wouldn't like it. They think it's too long (so was Avatar and that was a piece of shit!) and the characters were unlikable (some of them were). I can see why you didn't like it. But hate it? I didn't even think enough people had seen it! I wonder if part of the dislike comes from just the sort of people who will yell at you for not liking it. Me, I'm just surprised, not personally offended. I think that, in general, people tend to react negatively to something that is praised by the critics with big foofy words, and then they watched it and didn't like. Because they feel (rightly, perhaps) that the critics are calling them stupid. I just think that, like the movie snobs, some critics are full of crap and they'll like anything that looks snooty. But I do think that this movie has a lot of merit, just maybe not as much as some of the critics are willing to lather onto it. It's not Gone With the Wind, for crying out loud.

Also, Ralph Fiennes is insanely hot in it. What? I can't have my moment of gooberdom in all the huffiness?

7. New World
I didn't even think anyone had seen this movie, let alone loved it. All I remember of it is that Colin Ferrell was John Smith and he met Pocahontas and they looked at each other in a swamp for AGES and then the music was all plinky and they looked at each other some more and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Good God that movie was boring. It was pretty, but, dammit, pretty don't make something interesting (Helloooo, Stephanie Meyer!). I think I was so bored after the Swamp of Longing Stares and Sleepy Voiceovers About Nature and Love that I dozed off halfway through. Next thing I knew Christian Bale was there for some reason. And not even that could keep me interested. It's one of those movies that the Snobs will tell you is poignant and moving and whatever. I just thought it was excruciatingly boring. The girl who played Pocahontas was pretty, though. Though...wasn't she like 15 and Colin Farrell was 30 or something? GROSS.

6. Atonement
Oh, lord, this movie. I remember it clearly: it was Oscar time a couple of years ago, and this movie came out and NO ONE would shut the hell up about it. I couldn't watch it because I was still in Honduras, land of the shittiest movie theaters in the world. But the more I saw of it the less interested I became. It looked like all of the other dark-brooding-woe-to-all-oh-the-futility-of-life-and-love World War Whatever movies that have ever come before it. Pretty, sad, well acted. Oscar bait. And then I watched it and that's exactly what it was. I didn't hate it, it just left me blank. I liked that one scene where they panned over the beach with the soldiers and the bombs, but why was the camera covered in soot? And then the ending just made me angry and I hated it so much that I forgot everything else about the movie except the anger. Like I said in my review of There Will be Blood, I'm not gonna buy your Bleakness, no matter how pretty the package it's in. All I got from it was that England during World War Whatever was a horrible, bleak place and so are most movies revolving around it.

5. No Country for Old Men
This is one where I will cut you if you tell me you hated it. I'll understand not liking it just because it's not your sort of movie. But if you even bring up that you thought it was boring or that you hated the ending, I will lose my shit. That movie was nothing short of brilliant. I think I was gripping the arms of my seat the whole way through it, and every time Javier Bardem's character showed up I got the shivers. It was that powerful. I've never seen anything quite like it- a movie about killers with almost no dialogue, no ridiculous grandiose moments of gun fighting and entire scenes where it's all about silence and jumping at the slightest sounds. It was brilliant. I remember I couldn't stop thinking about it for days afterwards, and I think it was because it was so realistic that I expected Anton Chigurh and his hairdo of doom to come after me any second. And it wasn't just Javier Bardem--every performance in that movie was outstanding. So if you seriously hate it, get out of my face. You don't deserve good movies.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's
Never seen it, but I had no idea people disliked it. I thought it was one of those movies that everyone loved or hadn't seen. You know, how so many people think Audrey Hepburn can do no wrong. From what I gathered in the comments, it seems like most people hate it because of Mickey Rourke. He plays an "Asian"? God that sounds weird. I need to watch it.

3. There Will Be Blood
I said all I needed to say about this movie here. To recap: I can see why it's a well-acclaimed movie. Flawless acting (Daniel Day Lewis gave one of the best performances of all time). Harrowing story. But it was bleak as all hell and the music gave me a migraine that lasted for days. But I know from experience, people will cut you for hating it.

2. 2001: Space Odyssey
There's three things I know for sure about this movie:
1) I don't really like Stanley Kubrick. I think Dr Strangelove is hilarious and that The Shining is bizarre, but that's about it. His style just doesn't work for me.
2) I have never been able to stay awake during this movie.
3) 99% of the people I know who have seen it have hated it. That includes movie snobs.

I don't think I'll ever get through it. I have zero interest in doing so.

1. Lost in Translation
Or as I know it: That. Fucking. Movie.
I hated it. HATED IT. Every single thing about that movie filled me with rage. Pure, seething rage. Not just dislike or indifference. Rage. Even Bill Murray, because I felt so betrayed that this man that I LOVE could be in something so horrible.

Listen, no, SHUT UP. That movie is fucking TERRIBLE. To start, it's mind-numbingly boring and shot as if Sophia Coppola had fallen asleep at the camera and as if it was always 6 o'clock in Tokyo. Then the characters are horrible people who are lucky enough to find themselves in one of the craziest places in the world and decide to spend their time in their hotel rooms complaining about how boring their lives are. FUCKING GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. And that doesn't include going to a Japanese bar and seeing how quirky they are. You are the worst fucking tourists in the WORLD. Then there's the fact that NOTHING HAPPENS and I'm supposed to take a lesson from it and identify with these fucktards and their woeful lives of absurd privilege that still makes them miserable? NO! And don't even dare to tell that I just didn't get it because THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET. Sophia Coppolla is a fucking TERRIBLE director and writer, and Scarlett Johansson has about as much charisma and acting ability as a goddamn rock in the desert. That movie is insulting to the Japanese, to Americans, to women, to men, to travelers and to intelligent people everywhere. It's a pretentious, empty shell of a movie shot through a blue-filter because it MEANS SOMETHING. Fuck you, Sophia Coppolla. Take your Nepotism and shove it down your throat. Shame on you, Bill Murray. SHAME ON YOU.

DO NOT TRY ME ON THAT ONE. I will cut you.

Gah. Gaaaah. I hate that movie so much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

**

See? I'll get more shouty if you like a movie I hate than I would if you hated a movie I loved. Because...hell, I just won't understand it. I know everyone has a right to an opinion and different tastes and whatever and I can take it if you don't agree with me and my opinions aren't sacred or better than yours but sometimes you're just WRONG. That's just a scientific fact! Some things are just bad, people.

*ahem*

Now I'm all worked up because of that damned movie. I just don't think I've ever hated anything a movie so much, mostly because so many people claim to love it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I think those people are insane, or just pretending. YOU ARE INSANE AND YOU KNOW IT.

There's something wrong with me. First person to say "it's just MOVIES, gawd!" will get a deathly glare.

Anyway. The next day at Pajiba, Dustin posted the opposite of this list: Movies that, if you don't like them, will show people that you don't have a soul. That's a great one, and I'll rant about it tomorrow.

To end, here's a quick list of movies that I will judge you if you admit that you LOVE them. Not just liking, or being indifferent to them, or liking-them-even-if-you-know-they're-bad or just not hating them. I'm talking about real, unironic love, like listing them in your list of Favorites. This is important, because goodness knows I am guilty of liking some admittedly-terrible movies myself. Here's the list:

1) Sex and the City, 1 & 2
2) Twilight
3) The Da Vinci Code
4) The Notebook or anything else based on a Nicholas Sparks book
5) Crash

**UPDATE**

Let me amend that:

It's not that I'll lose respect for you or that our friendship will be broken forever or anything. Not even I take movies that seriously. It's just that I will never come to you for a movie recommendation, and I probably won't be participating in any Movie Nights with you, or any movie discussions. And since that's one of my favorite things to do , it will be a breach between us.

Notice that I changed Crash for Lost in Translation, because a lot of my friends love LIT and I've forgiven them for it because they have pretty great taste otherwise. Crash, though? That means you have no taste.

Movies I sorta watched. I wish I still knew nothing about them.

These are the movies I was subjected to during various bus and plane trips during my vacation. I can't believe that anyone would watch any of these voluntarily. I could barely stomach half an hour of actual watching, the rest of my impressions were from glancing at the screens every now and then, out of some sense of curiosity. I'm happy to say that I didn't miss much, as I could see the way every single one of these pieces of cinematic vomit would end after the 30 minutes I watched. It's good to know exactly what you're missing. Except I wouldn't exactly say I was "missing" it, Bob.

17 Again

Matthew Perry somehow magically turns into Zac Efron and gets to go to high school again. Entire film premise flawed by the major black hole that occurs when you realize that the two leads look NOTHING alike. As it always goes with the reversal movie, the kid has to get used to the 'modern' high school. He knows too much in class. He acts like a weirdo. He learns valuable lessons from his kids. But at least Freaky Friday was funny and had an appealing cast. This had the blessed effect of putting me to sleep on a 4 hour bus ride, and only after the first fifteen minutes! Wonderful. Zac Efron is the blandest of the bland, and the rest of the movie fits the bland lead perfectly--like lukewarm vanilla pudding. It's not funny, original, or even mildly interesting. It's terrible and painfully predictable. Don't even bother.

Fast and Furious

Cars. Shaky cam. Dark moody colors. Vin Diesel making this face for 2 hours: >:|. Every time I glanced at the screen, there he was. is he supposed to remind you of the Terminator? But at least the Terminator was motherfrakking SCHWARZENEGGER, and he was supposed to be a robot. Vin Diesel looks like a bloated Easter Island head, and he's just as alive and nowhere near as interesting as those statues. There are lots of boobs. No, really. What's with these movies and women? Here's basically what the entire movie is about: we zoom in on a parking lot chock full of what I assume are supposed to be "cool" cars. It's night. There are lots of people milling about: the men, usually menacing, smirking, drinking and comparing dick sizes through their cars. The women, undulating in tiny skirts and high heels, rarely ever shown in full--it's a parade of anonymous legs and boobs. Because, what else do you need? They're just pieces of meat. The men probably care more about the differences between the damned cars. So. They start a race. We see wide shots of cars going down streets. Tires squeal. A shot of Vin Diesel looking straight ahead. A hand moves a gear shift. More wide shots. Quick shots. The race ends. A long, pointless "plot" scene follows. Then another race. Rinse, lather, repeat. For FOUR MOVIES. Beautiful. What else do you need? Oh, I'm glad I got more that I was given more than half a brain in the mind-distribution lottery--otherwise I'd be sure to enjoy this flashy piece of crap. That's the only way I can imagine anyone would love this. Complete and utter brainlessness. Or maybe you just have to be 12 years old.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Oh the fates conspired to deliver to me the perfect companion to the Male Idiot's Movie that was Fast and Furious. This is the absolutely most perfect movie for the Female Idiot. It hurts me to say this about my own sex, but I know plenty of girls would love this embarrassing chick flick. Because some people really only need the flashy (and hideous) clothes and the predictable love story to be happy. And really, I admit to loving a good chick flick as much as the next girl, but there's a line between a guilty pleasure and something that makes me want to turn in my girl card. Because if this is the sort of crap we're supposed to enjoy, then I want to sign out. This movie's just among the worst of its ilk. it has a horrible, whiny protagonist that I'm somehow supposed to feel sorry for because she can't afford to buy her hideous shoes anymore. It's such an irritating premise to be forced to swallow, and I was frankly just offended to find that we're supposed to like this entitled, selfish little moron and want her to get ahead by lying her way up and sleeping with her perfect, idiotic boss. Let her live for two weeks in a third world country and see how much she misses her cushy lifestyle then. I loathe this type of movie. Oh, poor rich girl can't afford shoes and can't find a job in fashion. Boo fucking hoo. But somehow she perseveres from mere luck and pluck! yay! No, just let me punch you in the face. There's nothing likeable about this movie. Nothing. Nothing original or unexpected. It makes women look bad. It gives fuel to the people who clump all women into one shallow, stupid group. It made me hateful. And that's not the best thing to feel when in the middle of an eight hour trip next to some gigantic 13 year old girl who kept digging her elbows into my side. Urgh.

Night at the Museum 2

Some nice and clever visuals. Amy Adams sure is adorable. But oh, how I loathe Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. I wish they'd just go away forever.

***

I don't wish my pain on anyone. Good thing I had a lot of books and my ipod with me.

Movies I've Watched: There Will Be Blood

Yes, I am a little late to that game. I always am with these big Oscar movies. The main reason is that they rarely ever make it to Honduran theaters. And when they do, I usually can't be bothered to go to a theater. Or to the video story. Because I am a lazy bum and have no car. Or much money. So I wait until one of the movie channels plays them. At least then I can get them after all the hoopla surrounding them has gone away and I can watch them in peace, knowing that all the pretentious discussion is in the past.

And oh boy I can only imagine the high levels of Hipster Debate that were achieved by talking about this movie.

As for me, I...I don't think I liked it. I mean, it was an impressive movie with some amazing performances, but two things kept me from really enjoying it. First let me just say that I really do love all sorts of movies. Happy, sad, depressing, ridiculous, I don't have a set of requirements for what makes a good movie in my mind. But I'm not a big fan of bleakness. And this was one of the bleakest films I have ever seen in my life. It was so...so soul crushing. There was nothing in it that wasn't depressing. I suppose that was sort of the point, but movies like these just make me want to change the channel and watch some Spongebob Squarepants.

So the bleakness was one. The other was the "music". It wasn't even music. It was one note of a violin held shriekingly for 5 minutes, digging into my brain with its maddening monotony as I begged for something to change. I had to mute the tv a couple of times because I just couldn't take it anymore. And then the shrieking violin would change for the repeated banging of a drum in the same monotonous manner like that leaking faucet that keeps you awake all night. It was just horrible. It's what I imagine the soundtrack of a nightmare would be. I'm not trying to be poetic here, it was just that awful. I'm really freakin sensitive when it comes to sounds (whistling is the art of satan) and I really couldn't take the music in this movie for very long. I am so glad I never saw this in the theater--it probably would have led me to murder. And it was just really distracting from the rest of the movie. I felt like the action itself was tense enough, adding the extra tension with the music just seemed like overkill to me.

But, wow, the performances. Just wow. I heard rants and raves about Daniel Day Lewis, but nothing ever came close to just how freakin magnificent he is in this movie. Everything from the way he spoke to how he moved was just so perfect and meticulous and it just completely blew me away. He was terrifying. There is nothing better than when a character just seems to pop out of the screen at you out of the sheer presence of the actor. Not many people have done that, but this is the second time DDL has done it in my mind. The other was Gangs of New York, but he was far better in this.

And I'm surprised that I heard so little about Paul Dano's performance back when everyone was talking about this movie. Because, damn. He was just so good. Magnetic and powerful, with those big sad eyes of his. I hope he gets a lot more work in the future. He's so good.

So overall, a good movie, but very weird. Bleak. Violent. Technically impressive. More impressive, bizarre work from PT Anderson. Magnolia is still my favorite movie of his, and I wish that this movie had had a little bit more insight into the characters, like Magnolia did. Anyway, it made me think, and look at this huge rant it made me write.

Though I have to confess I decided to write it because a) I'm sick of writing about the situation in Honduras (still the same! still scary! politicians still suck!) and b) I'm putting off the review for Ender's Game because I have no idea how to write it. I hate reviewing classics.

Movies I Watched...And Wished I Hadn't.

I was going to write a review of Wicker Man. I was going to try to write a review, anyway. But you know what? I can't.

So here is an exact transcript of the 'notes' I took on notepad while I was watching the movie. There are no words to encompass the utter mind melt this movie brought upon me. Maybe this will help. I think you can pinpoint the exact moment when my brain just goes into full incomprehension mode.

And don't worry, there's no need to have seen the movie to enjoy this. In fact, it's better if you never, ever watch it.

***

*CREDITS*

Why did 6 different production companies do this? So none of them could take full blame for it? Clever.

Is this a joke?

I love when cars in movies just spontaneously burst into flames for no reason at all.

what.

why is everyone asleep in this movie?

I want to hit these people so they talk faster

argh

WOMAN. ARGH.

WHO WROTE THIS.

ARGH.

lolol why did he have to check on his needles? so we know he has them?

everything's ok. No, it isn't.

Sigh.

It's like...nothing. what is this. It's so boring. And nothing is happening.

CREEPY MUSIC. Nic Cage Frowns! DANGER!

I am on the edge of my seat. Because I am about to fall out of it. From utter boredom.

Creepy barns! yay cliche!

ARGH THE FLOOR ARGH. Yeah.

Pigeons. Not a nic cage movie without pigeons.

What is this MUSIC. It sounds like stormy period movie music but he's just walking in a barn. CREEPY. EXCEPT NOT. The only creepy thing is his hair.

God who did this score?

NO HONEY. DUN DUN DUN DUN! ARRRGH NO HONEY!

This is the most scintillating dialogue since I listened to two old men reading hte phone book to each other.

ARGH.

SHE HANDED HIM A BOWL. DUUUUUUUUUUUN! WEEEEOOOOOO.... [that's me trying to replicate the TENSE! STRINGS!]

A tree. wooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeee....

creepy pregnant women! Ooooh. Not.

ARGH.

sweeping strings for the pregant women!

Walk into the school why not interrupt classes you bastard with bad hair.

Everything this guy says makes me want to punch him.

His wig looks specially wispy today.

The hair! and the music! is confounding! AAH!

OH NO HE DID NOT JUST ERASE THE BLACKBOARD!

YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG. YOU DESERVE THE BEES.

*Nic Cage points at blackboard, his hair screams "WHERE IS THIS GIRL!"
me: That is not a girl. That is a black board.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHAT?

This woman's hands are attached to her hips.

NOT THE BIRD IN THE DESK! AAARGH!

What is this southern accent nic cage is trying to go for? It sounds pseudo-Georgian by way of Douchetown.

Creeeepy stones.....wwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooonnnnnnneeeeeee eee eeen

Woman. say something.

This woman sounds more bored than Nic Cage himself. I didn't think that was possible.

oooh creepy cage in the ruins. Snore.

FINISH A SENTENCE YOU WENCH

AARGH

Stop talking in stupid pseudo cryptic language you wench.

This is ridiculously pointless and stupid and boring. why should he believe anything this whackjob is saying? Oh right, he's a moron.


This woman has the most boring voice imaginable.

NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND WHY IS THIS MUSIC SO FUCKING DRAMATIC.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH HIM SITTING THERE. FOR HOURS

um. um. he just DREAMED TWICE. DANGER! DRAMA! AAAH!

RITUAAALS OF THE ANCIEEEENTS...creeepy music!

Ooh the book must be evil.

WATCH Nic Cage SKULK. IN THE BUSHES.

That's what a good cop does. BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

This woman answers NO QUESTIONS AT ALL EVER. Did she escape the island on Lost?

Wow that was the least romantic kiss ever. Ew. I feel dirty.

WHY DID HE RUN RIGHT INTO THE FIELD OF BEES. I am allergic to bees and I SHALL RUN STRAIGHT INTO THE FIELD.

This thing has no plot at all. What the hell.

Nic Cage put some pants on for the love of everything good and holy please.

BLINK BLINK

The fact that Ellen Burstyn is in this makes me die inside.

GOD NO ONE CARES SHUT UP EXPOSITION FAIRY.

SOUNDS LIKE INBREEDING TO ME. That would explain Nic Cage.

This is so fucking painful and boring jesus help me.

Why is leelee sobieski in this damned movie? why? what does she do? why? did they pay her? WHY?

Oh good lord if I see one more flashback I will die. ARGH.

HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED!

HOW DO YOU HAVE A JOB.

Something bad is about to happen! I CAN FEEL IT! Yeah. I felt this when this movie started. Before that.

OK there's a dead man in te bed and he just doesn't care.

what the fuck woman covered in bees. oh god.

STEP AWAY. FROM THE BIKE. TAKE YOUR STUPID MASK. That's not quite as good as 'put the bunny bawk in da bawx'. Yeaah wave a gun at an unarmed woman.

I DON'T NEED FUCKING PERMISSON. Yeah, you're Nic Cage! You're a Coppola, damnit! Don't need no one's permission!

GOOD LORD. the last five minutes of this have been spent going WHAT THE FUCK.

HE JUST PUNCHED A WOMAN
HE JUS TOTALLY PUNCHED A WOMAN IN THE FACE

OH GOD

OH GOD

HE'S BEATING UP LEELEE

OHMYGOD HE JUST KICKED HER INTO THE WALL! WHAT THE HELL!

OH NO. THERE HE COMES. IN A BEAR SUIT. A FUCKING BEAR SUIT.

LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC. It's trying so hard to be Mozart's requiem. Oh this poor composer's trying SO HARD to add some emotion to this movie.

OHMYGOD the bear punch! was better! than I could ever have imagined it!!!!!! OVERLOAD!

Oh God he's still wearing the suit. This is a furry's best dream.

Yeaah..the cellphone works after being under water for ages. Hee. Pete can't help you know, Nic! You punched a woman! You're doomed.

Let's yell into our cell phone. That will lead them off your trail.

What the fuck is going on. Ooh the little girl is totally evil. Like we didn't know that.

Oh Ellen Burstyn. Do you have no self-respect?

Good lord the twins. The twins talking simultaneously.

What the fuck is this dialogue?

YOU BITCHES! YOU BITCHES! YAAAGH!

MUUUURDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! MUUUURDDDEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!

It won't bring back your goddamned honey. It will bring you the ghost of Nic Cage's wig.


NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! ARRRRGH! ARRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAARGH THEY'RE IN MY EYES AAAAAAAARGH! ARRRRRGH!!!!

Nic Cage got all his screams from speech bubbles in old Batman comics. YEAGH! RAH! EEAAAH!

That's kind of an awesome statue. It does not deserve Nic Cage.

I like all the women with the cute face paint. "I was a tiger!"

Oh lord he's not dead yet. They're dragging this on. And on. ARGH. DIE ALREADY.

CREDITS.

I think my brain just shot itself.

Movies I've Watched: 'Sweeney Todd'

I've seen this before. Where? Oh, right, every Tim Burton movie EVER

I don't really have a lot to say about this one.

Except this:

Tim Burton, please get over yourself. Cast some diferent people, for the love of pete. This has got to the point where all it makes me think of is that annoying couple of kids in high school who ALWAYS got cast as leads in the school plays because they were best buds with the directors and each other. After the first two, you just didn't want to see those kids in a play again. I am sick to death of seeing Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter in your movies. I think they're both good actors, but I'm sick of seeing only them in your movies. Do you not have any other friends?

And it's too bad, because this is a musical with some seriously great songs. The supporting actors do fantastic jobs in their roles (the kid and Sasha Baron Cohen particularly). It's a terribly violent film, yes, but it could've been a great piece of bizarre musical cinema. Unfortunately, Burton just turns it into Another Burton Movie. We've seen all this many, many times before. And frankly, it's just boring now.

I'm really quite sick of Tim Burton and his buddies.

Movies I've Watched: The Descent

(Holy crap, how awesome is this poster?)*
Oh...boy. This was an awesome movie. A perfect horror film with all the required elements: working on a primal fear (claustrophobia), characters losing their minds, darkness, creepy sounds and just about the creepiest monsters I have ever seen in a film.

I loved it, even if I was completely tense and terrified through most of it. That just means it was effective. The atmosphere is perfect--all small bits of natural light in the middle of a pitch-black cave, barely any music, just sounds and echos that would be terrifying on their own. And one thing I absolutely loved was the fact that, unlike in most horror films, I didn't hate the characters. They were real, therefore a little dumb (like any of us would be if terrified out of our minds), and a couple of them were totally badass, another rarity in horror films starring women. They fought back, and they fought back hard. I liked that.

So another awesome horror film, though I don't think I'd be watching it again--too much of the tension would be lost knowing what's going to happen, I think. But definitely a remarkable movie, particularly compared to the rest of the dreck in the genre, and I definitely recommend it if horror is your thing.

One thing I wouldn't recommend is watching it like I did: alone, in the middle of the night, in a mostly-empty house whose back yard runs right into a mountain. I had to stay up watching Cartoon Network for about 2 hours before I could fall asleep. Because I am a wuss, and yet I love watching horror movies.

It was so much fun.

*And yes, I know it's echoing the Dali photo (http://farm1.static.flickr.com/210/478272835_a91f5e30b1.jpg), and I think that just makes it cooler.

Blips

"Snatch" is a great freakin' movie. My only problem with it is that there's no Shirtless Statham. It would make the movie perfect.

Brad Pitt? Nah. I find him as attractive as a piece of toast. Statham? Even fully clothed, he smolders.

Movies I've Watched: 28 Weeks Later

This just aired on my local movie channel. It's my second viewing, so I have a cooler head about it now. I thought I'd write a somewhat incoherent review, just for the hell of it

I wanted to love this movie. I really did. I thought 28 Days Later was a fantastic piece of filmmaking, particularly in a genre that's become so cliched and laughable. It was one hell of a scary movie; disturbing, shocking, but more than anything it was realistic. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, and the only horror film. Plus, it's the best zombie movie of all time, and I love zombie movies.

The sequel? Not so much. Sure, it's a visually stunning film, jarring and completely breathtaking in parts. And it's just so close to perfection that its failings seem bigger and more frustrating. It's so close.

But it's also full of massively stupid plot holes. Things that make you want to pull your hair out, because with just a tiny bit more thought they could've been avoided in favor of more logical plot twists. It wouldn't take much. The plot (the infection breaks out again, obviously) could've been kept much the same without some of the ridiculous coincidences that keep it moving forward. The tight pace and tension of the story is just broken up by characters doing something dumb or by glaring mistakes that make everyone in the movie look stupid. Who is running security in this place?. Oh yeah, the Americans. This is all their fault.

I guess my biggest problem with the movie is that it's painfully predictable. It goes from being a potentially smart horror film to one of those bad all-teen casts where, if someone says 'don't go there, it could be horribly bad!', you know someone's gonna go there, or if someone says 'don't touch that!', you know someone will touch it. It's annoying, and anyone with half a brain can see every plot twist coming a mile away. And it all could've been avoided by some very minor changes. Why make everyone so stupid? And why put children in it? Children ruin EVERYTHING.

And I hate that they make four of these dumbasses responsible for everything. The first movie was a lot bigger in scope, it had a few people dealing with horror. This one still has the big empty landscapes but makes the few people responsible for the horror. And they want us to feel sorry for them? Sorry, I can't sympathize with morons.

Anyway, it's not a terribly bad movie, specially taken on its own. It's perfectly serviceable as a late-night horror movie when you have nothing to do. The subway scene alone is gonna freak you the hell out. It's a pretty good zombie movie, too.

Just not worthy of following Danny Boyle's masterpiece.

And oh man, enough with the shaky cam.

Movie Review in 3 minutes:

Watched 'Across the Universe' last night. And as much as I love Julie Taymor and her particular brand of colorful and crazy films, this was a misfire. In so many ways. The music was fantastic, obviously, and the singing is beautiful and moving. So it's too bad that the plot is a mess, that some scenes are a little too weird, and that it goes on for way too long. It was like one overlong music video, and halfway through I had given up on trying to care about the characters. Great idea, pretty visuals, but overall it just doesn't work. Too bad.

*Edit*
Mr. Controversy just reminded me of two glaringly bad things about this movie: Eddie Izzard and Bono. I love Eddie Izzard, but that was way too bizarre. And Bono butchering 'I am the Walrus' was more than I could take. I hate that man so much it makes me look truly evil.

A random post, a meme, and movies.

Disclaimer: Excuse the bad writing in this post. It's late.
OK, I haven't updated in a while.

For the first time in months, I've been very, very busy. I've been baking cookies all day, plus some painting when I've had the time, reading, going to bed at outrageously early hours (for me), collapsing after some very long days.

It's a good thing, though, because without all this to-do I'd probably be losing what's left of my mind in anxiously waiting for Friday. That's when the Future Mr Fig comes to visit after a painfully long time of being away from each other, and it's all I can think of whenever I've had a moment to spare for thinking.

So, busy Fig is a sane Fig. Sort of. I have cookie orders coming in like mad, which is awesome in that I'm going to make a lot more money than I had anticipated, but disturbing in the amount of work it entails. I made 430 cookies yesterday, and still have 150 more to bake to fill up orders for my mom's office. When I'm done with those I have several more orders from family members to take care of.

On top of that, I have to finish my Christmas gifts--I'm down to one portrait, a painting and and something for my grandmother that I have yet to start making. Of course I could've done all this in the six months or so since I've been unemployed, but hey, since when have I done work when I've had the time? Deadline Figgy, that's me. Poor Future Mr Fig will probably have to sit there and watch me scramble to finish my gifts and bake cookies all the time he's here. Because I'm a big lazy dork like that.

Still have to write a review for my 5th Cannonball book. I'm almost done with the 6th one, but I'm afraid that those will have to wait until I have some time to gather my very scant wits about me.

So for now, with no new reviews or anything interesting to write about except how busy I am with my very boring life, I have a meme. Don't I always.

****

The 100 top grossing films of all time (not adjusted for inflation): bold what you've seen, underline what you own.

[With commentary because...well, when DON'T I have something to say?

And because this was so damn long, I've broken it up into 4 parts so as to have something useless to post in upcoming days]

1. Titanic: I wonder how much of this was foreign box office? That movie was HUGE even outside the US.
2. The Dark Knight (2008): Mmmm. Christian Bale. I think this might be the only movie from this last decade on my Favorites List.
3. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977): Obviously.
4. Shrek 2 (2004): Too full of itself to be very good. Recycled jokes and bad animation.
5. E. T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982): Aw, tiny Drew Barrymore.
6. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999): Fuck you, George Lucas. You're dead to me.
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006): The franchise that should never, ever have existed. I still have no idea what the hell this movie was about. Hell, does anyone?
8. Spider-Man (2002): I hate Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. WHY did I watch this? My damned hunger for superhero movies. It made me watch Daredevil, too.
9. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005): See above.
10.The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003): Whee LOTR. Horrible as adaptations, but freakin' awesome eye candy.
11.Spider-Man 2 (2004): Alfred Molina made me watch this. And he made it almost bearable. Almost.
12.The Passion of the Christ (2004): Fuck Mel Gibson and his torture porn. The very existence of this movie is an insult. Don't even ask me why I watched it.
13.Jurassic Park (1993): I love this movie. So much.
14.The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002): The worst of the three. But I still watch it all the damn time.
15.Finding Nemo (2003): Hands down one of the best animated movies of all time.
16.Spider-Man 3 (2007): Two was more than enough.
17.Forrest Gump (1994): I liked it. Shut up.
18.The Lion King (1994): This one's in my top 10. The animation is gorgeous.
19.Shrek the Third (2007): never fucking ever.
20.Transformers (2007): Cute. Forgettable.
21.Iron Man (2008): It was good. But didn't blow my mind.
22.Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001): Oh they were all so damn cute back then.
23. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008): I commpletely REFUSE to watch this movie. My life will be better if I ignore it ever existed.
24. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001): The best of the three, probably because it's closest to the book. That, and Sean Bean.
25. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002): See above.

Stupid, horrible Hollywood. I didn't count, but it disgusts me to see how many of these are horrible sequels or remakes. Even more discouraging is to see how few of these films are actually worth watching.

*****

Part 2 coming tomorrow. Now I'm gonna drag my ass off to bed and finish my book.

Oh, speaking of. Did you know that in all of Tegucigalpa there is only ONE single bookstore that sells books in English? And that half of the books in said store are either Stephen King or Nora Roberts novels? Do you know how sad this makes me?

Very sad. That's how sad. Stupid country.

The pit that is Tuesday nights, plus a movie reccomendation

WHAT FIGGY IS WATCHING ON TUESDAYS!

Um.

Um....

Uuuummm....

Nothing. I watched nothing at all. Tuesday night is the deadland of the television week; the pit, the desert, the Bermuda Triangle, the North Dakota of the week. It is where bad shows half-heartedly pushed by the networks go to die. It's a night of procedurals and results shows, the night where absolutely nothing catches my interest. Tuesday night is a night of Channel Flipping.

I suppose I could have watched House, but there's only so much of that formula I can take. House is the Corn Flakes of cereal-- bland, unsurprising, repetitive, the thing you eat when there's nothing else in the house, and it might be tasty for about 5 seconds but you'll end up bored by the second spoonful. While Hugh Laurie is fantastic, he deserves something better than this frutrating and stupidly repetitive show, where he is surrounded by annoying characters and increasingly ridiculous plot lines. I'll watch maybe one episode a month, but it's definetely not something I can watch week after week.

The only other choice this night is the Dancing With the Stars results show, and if you don't watch that silly show on the night that matters, why would you watch an hour of 'tense' expectation and filler? Not worth it, even if you do like the competition. Results shows are the pits.

I'm very lucky to have a pretty varied package of channels from our cable provider, so there's always something or other playing that might catch my interest for a while. Last night, for example, I watched "Memento" for about the 6th time, and was again confused because I didn't pay attention for 5 minutes. Oh brain movies, you deserve better than my scattered brain.



Watch this movie. It's trippy and strange and confusing, but with flawless direction by my new hero, Christopher Nolan, and Guy Pearce's freakishly angular yet fascinating bone structure, it's definitely worth a watch. It also features my favorite That Guy!, Stephen Tobolowsky, who makes every movie he's in pretty awesome indeed.

So that was my Tuesday night. Memento, reruns, pointless talking at the tv for being useless, and other such filler.

I'm bored just writing this entry. I'll have something better tomorrow, I promise, for tonight is the night of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures; America's Next Top Model, plus Pushing Daisies, a nice little show I have some thoughts on (oh Figgy, what don't you have thoughts on? Shut up!). I also have to tell you guys about this craptastic Mexican teenage soap-opera I've been watching, whose rampant misogyny and stupidity deserves its own lengthy post. It shall be forthcoming.

This is such a colorless entry. But it's been raining since before I woke up this morning; I can't go out into the garden, I can't play with the dogs, I've been sapped out of all energy to do anything, even write very enthusiastically.

This calls for a video game.