A few of you might know that I am a huge fan of HBO's True Blood series. It's a trashy, hilarious, bizarre show that can be alternatively brilliant and mind-numbingly stupid. For all its flaws, it's quite addictive-- the presence of the gorgeous Alexander Skarsgard doesn't hurt, either, nor does the fact that he's often almost completely naked in it. A lot. And he's tall and...so...um...
*Ahem*
OK! Back to True Blood. It's one of the million shows that's cropped up lately that features vampires, with the one stand-out feature being that these are vampires done right. It's based on Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse series, of which Dead Until Dark is the first book.
Sookie Stackhouse lives in the small, unsophisticated town of Bon Temps in Louisiana. She happens to have the ability to read people's minds, a "condition" that's turned her into a bit of a loner, though she's smart and very self-reliant. The story is set in a world where vampires have come out from hiding and are starting to mingle in human society, thanks the invention of synthetic blood, a nutritious (though not entirely satisfying) substitute for human blood. So, right off the bat we've got a pretty interesting premise. The vampires are the monsters we've all come to know and love: human-like but not really human at all, they're dangerous and feel almost no emotions aside from hunger and lust.
One night a vampire named Bill Compton comes in to the restaurant where Sookie works, and she is immediately drawn to him. It helps that he's the only person whose thoughts she can't read, which makes him a welcome relief. They strike up a strained sort of friendship that quickly develops into physical attraction and lust. The slow build-up of their romance is just flat-out fun to read, because Harris makes the whole thing really bizarre and unusual, so it's not at all your typical romantic story. Meanwhile, there's a serial killer going around Bon Temps killing girls who sleep with vampires, which doesn't bode well for Sookie and her new friend (if you've watched the show, the story is the same as that of the first season). There's also a great cast of colorful supporting characters, which includes some really creepy vampires as well as violent rednecks, wise grandmas, bumbling policemen and even a shape-shifter. Add to that the tensions between humans and vampires, Vampire Elvis and vampire groupies and Sookie's got quite a full plate on her hands.
Told from Sookie's point of view, the book is short and lively, and the problems that usually come with first-person narration are nicely glossed over by Sookie's telepathy. She doesn't have to keep wondering what other people are thinking because she already knows. It was also a relief to see that the Sookie of the books is exponentially less annoying than the Sookie of the series. She's still impulsive and reckless, but she's a lot more likable and sympathetic. Vampire Bill is also much more palatable, being less whiny and delicate and more of a believable anti-hero. I missed the presence of Tara, so I'm guessing she was created specifically for the show.
Dead Until Dark was a fun little introduction to the series. It's saved from being just another silly book about vampires by Harris' great sense of humor and her quick, fun writing. The book is pretty gory and violent at times, and I liked that it didn't seem to take itself too seriously-- it won't win any prizes for sophistication, but it doesn't care. I honestly can't wait to read the rest of the series. At least it'll be a fun way to pass the time until the show comes back and we get more of Eric Northman.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Book #6: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J.K. Rowling.
Remember when I said that I wasn't going to re-read this book until after the movie came out? Yeah, I lied. I do that a lot. But, come on, the thing was $3 at a used-book store and I couldn't resist.
I think I've said enough about the series in my reviews of the other books (here, here, here, here) to go over it all again. Long story short: Formulaic but almost always enjoyable; good, fun characters and progressively more interesting stories; flawed, but never boring.
That being said, Deathly Hallows is by far the most mature and the darkest book of the series. Our three heroes are on their own as they decide to not return to Hogwarts and spend all their time trying to find and destroy the Horcruxes left behind by Voldemort. They have almost no information to go on, so there's a lot of guesswork and, as usual with Harry Potter, a lot of incredibly lucky coincidences. We're also introduced to a new mystery, that of the Deathly Hallows, which seems to be related to the main quest but isn't really important until the very end.
The best thing about the book is the way that Rowling manages to convey to us just how alone and isolated the kids are this time around. Before, Harry always had adults to rely on when things got dicey. This time around, however, the trio really must rely on what little experience they have (and Hermione's genius), and sometimes their plans go terribly wrong. They're still just teenagers, after all. They have volatile tempers and moments of silliness, all while being quite justifiably terrified and lonely. There are moments when things get downright horrifying-- the trip to Godric's Hollow is a brilliantly told episode right out of a horror story.
The biggest problem for me is the pacing of the story. Rowling has set up a great, complicated, dark mystery for the readers, and for once she is completely free to break away from the well-known formula, just by taking the kids out of Hogwarts. But she wastes the opportunity to do so. Instead, we have the same exhausted formula as with the other books: one long period of mystery and dead-ends, and all the revelations are crammed in at the end of the school year. I understand the logic behind it (they have little time as they progress, etc), but the last fourth of the book just feels terribly rushed. You get used to the slow but comfortable pace of the camping and investigation, and then BLAM! Suddenly you're thrown into an 150mph dive where you get no time to breathe, only a barrage of exposition and information that's just hard to keep track of. It works in the context of the story, but there's just no moment to rest, and that becomes a problem after the rest of the book has been so deliberately paced. I think that, by limiting the timeline to one year, it cheapens the value and difficulty of everything that the kids had to do. This was supposed to take them years, to be incredibly difficult, and when they solve the mystery in a year, you just get the feeling that it wasn't really that difficult to work out. Would have been much easier if Dumbledore hadn't been such an uncommunicative ass.
Luckily, it's only a problem I felt until I was done reading. As you're reading that last fourth of the book is exhilarating, surprising and shocking. Rowling brings out all the big guns, taking things into unexpected, darker territory, and it's a thrill to read. There are moments where the writing it just beautiful--you feel that you're right there on that crazy journey with Harry, and it's a testament to the characters Rowling has created that you feel incredibly deeply for them when they're faced with their final choices. It's beautifully done.
...Until you get to the epilogue. I don't even want to get that into it, because it'll just lead to another long, angry rant (Scorpius? REALLY?). Let's just say that the book ends too abruptly, and the epilogue is far too cutesy and clumsy to follow such an epic ending. There are so many questions unanswered, so many reunions we needed to see but never happened, that we needed so we could feel like the adventure was over for now. It's just terribly unsatisfying. I get the feeling that maybe Rowling was forced into writing a happy epilogue, and so it just feels tacked on and forced. It's too bad, really, because the rest of the book is a great read, and nice, concise ending to Harry's story. It came very close to being perfect, and I was left wanting a little more.
I think I've said enough about the series in my reviews of the other books (here, here, here, here) to go over it all again. Long story short: Formulaic but almost always enjoyable; good, fun characters and progressively more interesting stories; flawed, but never boring.
That being said, Deathly Hallows is by far the most mature and the darkest book of the series. Our three heroes are on their own as they decide to not return to Hogwarts and spend all their time trying to find and destroy the Horcruxes left behind by Voldemort. They have almost no information to go on, so there's a lot of guesswork and, as usual with Harry Potter, a lot of incredibly lucky coincidences. We're also introduced to a new mystery, that of the Deathly Hallows, which seems to be related to the main quest but isn't really important until the very end.
The best thing about the book is the way that Rowling manages to convey to us just how alone and isolated the kids are this time around. Before, Harry always had adults to rely on when things got dicey. This time around, however, the trio really must rely on what little experience they have (and Hermione's genius), and sometimes their plans go terribly wrong. They're still just teenagers, after all. They have volatile tempers and moments of silliness, all while being quite justifiably terrified and lonely. There are moments when things get downright horrifying-- the trip to Godric's Hollow is a brilliantly told episode right out of a horror story.
The biggest problem for me is the pacing of the story. Rowling has set up a great, complicated, dark mystery for the readers, and for once she is completely free to break away from the well-known formula, just by taking the kids out of Hogwarts. But she wastes the opportunity to do so. Instead, we have the same exhausted formula as with the other books: one long period of mystery and dead-ends, and all the revelations are crammed in at the end of the school year. I understand the logic behind it (they have little time as they progress, etc), but the last fourth of the book just feels terribly rushed. You get used to the slow but comfortable pace of the camping and investigation, and then BLAM! Suddenly you're thrown into an 150mph dive where you get no time to breathe, only a barrage of exposition and information that's just hard to keep track of. It works in the context of the story, but there's just no moment to rest, and that becomes a problem after the rest of the book has been so deliberately paced. I think that, by limiting the timeline to one year, it cheapens the value and difficulty of everything that the kids had to do. This was supposed to take them years, to be incredibly difficult, and when they solve the mystery in a year, you just get the feeling that it wasn't really that difficult to work out. Would have been much easier if Dumbledore hadn't been such an uncommunicative ass.
Luckily, it's only a problem I felt until I was done reading. As you're reading that last fourth of the book is exhilarating, surprising and shocking. Rowling brings out all the big guns, taking things into unexpected, darker territory, and it's a thrill to read. There are moments where the writing it just beautiful--you feel that you're right there on that crazy journey with Harry, and it's a testament to the characters Rowling has created that you feel incredibly deeply for them when they're faced with their final choices. It's beautifully done.
...Until you get to the epilogue. I don't even want to get that into it, because it'll just lead to another long, angry rant (Scorpius? REALLY?). Let's just say that the book ends too abruptly, and the epilogue is far too cutesy and clumsy to follow such an epic ending. There are so many questions unanswered, so many reunions we needed to see but never happened, that we needed so we could feel like the adventure was over for now. It's just terribly unsatisfying. I get the feeling that maybe Rowling was forced into writing a happy epilogue, and so it just feels tacked on and forced. It's too bad, really, because the rest of the book is a great read, and nice, concise ending to Harry's story. It came very close to being perfect, and I was left wanting a little more.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Book #5: "The Life of Elizabeth I" by Alison Weir
I'll get this one out of the way quickly. It's hard to write about non-fiction books, and I've never quite got the hang of that.
Read this one. It's an incredibly detailed biography of a truly extraordinary woman. It doesn't romanticize or embellish anything, but neither is it dry and lifeless. It would be hard to do that, with such an incredibly story to tell. Alison Weir does a flawless job of relating the life of Elizabeth I, from the moment she was became Queen until the moment she died. But she doesn't just list facts and gathers information from different books; she makes sure to connect the life of Elizabeth to everything that was happening at the time. You can't disconnect a person from the times they lived in, and trying to add modern sensibilities (I'm looking at you, Phillipa Gregory) just belittles their story and insults their legacy.
Weir did extensive research not only into Elizabeth's reign, she looked into everything that went on around her: how she dressed, how she walked, how she spoke, wrote and loved. She goes into great detail about the people who surrounded Elizabeth, how they were affected by her and how she affected them.
It's one of the best biographies I've ever read. A big, heavy book that took me (a pretty fast reader) almost a month to read. But I was never bored. I never got tired or had my mind wander. This book was so rich in detail that I would gladly read it again sometime. I can't recommend it enough.
Read this one. It's an incredibly detailed biography of a truly extraordinary woman. It doesn't romanticize or embellish anything, but neither is it dry and lifeless. It would be hard to do that, with such an incredibly story to tell. Alison Weir does a flawless job of relating the life of Elizabeth I, from the moment she was became Queen until the moment she died. But she doesn't just list facts and gathers information from different books; she makes sure to connect the life of Elizabeth to everything that was happening at the time. You can't disconnect a person from the times they lived in, and trying to add modern sensibilities (I'm looking at you, Phillipa Gregory) just belittles their story and insults their legacy.
Weir did extensive research not only into Elizabeth's reign, she looked into everything that went on around her: how she dressed, how she walked, how she spoke, wrote and loved. She goes into great detail about the people who surrounded Elizabeth, how they were affected by her and how she affected them.
It's one of the best biographies I've ever read. A big, heavy book that took me (a pretty fast reader) almost a month to read. But I was never bored. I never got tired or had my mind wander. This book was so rich in detail that I would gladly read it again sometime. I can't recommend it enough.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Book #4: "The Constant Princess" by Phillipa Gregory
I remember the very instant when this book turned me off. I remember the exact moment when I put the book down and sighed as I understood exactly what this book- about Katherine of Aragon, erstwhile wife of Henry VIII - was going to be like. I knew right then that I wouldn't like it and that it would probably end up making me angry. I knew I would finish it, and I wouldn't enjoy it the process.
It was about four chapters in, when Henry VII, the aging King of England, looks at his son's fiance and thinks about Katherine's "sexy mouth". That word. "Sexy". In a historical novel about Tudor England.
That simple, stupid word brought all my knowledge of bad historical novels crashing down on me. I knew in a flash that this book was going to be tedious, terribly inaccurate and worst of all, painfully cheesy. And I was right.
Listen, I get that people who write historical novels have to embellish their stories from time to time. I get that I'm just supposed to "enjoy the ride", not cringing at every stupid cheesy line in the book that would seem more fitting in a CW prime-time teen drama. I get that you want to make an already interesting story your own. Sometimes it works, if the writer is skilled enough to make the story seem a little bit interesting, but Phillippa Gregory just isn't that kind of author. As it turns out, she's taken what was a truly interesting historical character who lived at a tumultuous time, and she's turned her into the worst sort of whiny Disney princess, who sits at windows pining for true love. And it doesn't even have an interesting Prince and dancing characters to make up for the pathetic Princess.
Here's the true story: Katherine of Aragon was the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain. You know, the Spanish monarchs who sent Columbus off to do his thing. At age 4 she was formally betrothed to Arthur, son of Henry VII and heir to the throne of England. She was sent to England some years later, where she was married to the prince. She was left alone in a country whose language she didn't even speak yet. Her one job was to get married and give England an heir. Unfortunately, Prince Arthur died just a few years later, leaving her a widow and making his younger brother, Henry, the new heir. When Henry became King and needed a wife, Katherine seemed like a good choice. The Pope declared her marriage to Arthur as void, as it had never been consummated (there was wide belief that Arthur was impotent). Henry then married her, finally making her Queen of England. Later, as well all know, Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn and divorced Katherine, claiming that she had lied all along about the consummation of her marriage to Arthur.
See, I think that's a pretty fascinating story, especially the years between Katherine's marriage to Arthur and her subsequent marriage to Henry. Unfortunately, there's very little historical evidence of what those years were like for Katherine, and there's no definite answer to the question of whether Katherine lied about her relationship with Arthur. Gregory takes advantage of this and makes up a story. It's tempting to do that: you have your characters and an overarching plot. Just add some romantic stuff to the parts no one is really sure about. Gregory's idea is that Katherine lied to Henry and everyone else, and that her marriage to Arthur was one of true love--and rainbows and puppies and hot sex. But they didn't tell anyone about it...for some reason.
Yeah. In between whining about how much she misses Spain and whining about how much she wants to be Queen, Katherine falls deeply in love with Arthur. There's really no reason for it, other than, "Why not? It'll make a good romance story!" Gregory's explanation as to why no one ever really knew whether Arthur and Katherine slept together is that he used to sneak into her bedroom when everyone had gone to sleep and they'd have sex for hours, and he would leave before anyone saw them. You might be wondering how this makes any sense, and let me tell you: it doesn't. It's just a stupid plot contrivance that Gregory came up with to get away with writing a fairy tale about a princess who falls in love and then becomes really sad about it.
It's just terribly cheesy and straight out of a Young Adult novel, which I personally think is sort of insulting to the real Katherine. Athur and Katherine whisper sweet nothings to each other like two teenagers in love, instead of two complete strangers in an arranged marriage at a time when marriages were all about business and not love. I get that you want to romanticize it, but this book is just ridiculous. Specially when we know what life was like at that period, and that we know how the story ends. And it takes him just forever to die! It's almost 200 pages of cheesy, chaste little love scenes and rainbows and happiness. I kept muttering for Gregory to just get on with it and kill Arthur so that we could read something more compelling; for example, her far more interesting marriage to Henry VIII. But that just gets relegated to the last few chapters of the book, which makes absolutely no sense to me.
Some of the worst parts of the book come in the form of little asides in between actual scenes, which are told from Katherine's point of view. We know this because they're italicized, which makes them easier to skip. Once I got past the eye-rolling stupidity of the passages where a 10 year-old girl sounds like a wise woman of the world, I just started skipping them altogether. Because they were invariably in one of three lines: 1) I so want to be Queen! I was born to be Queen! For...some reason! 2) I love Arthur! he is so cute and sweet and my Prince Charming! and 3) I miss Spain! This is what Spain was like! Let me repeat it 1500 times so you'll get it! It was just ridiculous.
I don't know how I finished it, to be honest. I'd read a couple of pages, roll my eyes so hard they almost fell out of my head, and put the book down to go do something else. I took some notes as I read it. Here's a couple:
-"Tell me a story", said Arthur NO. SHUT UP. ENOUGH STORIES.
-"True Love" PSHAW. THIS IS TUDOR ENGLAND. WHERE IS THE PLAGUE WHEN YOU NEED IT?
-SNORE
You get the idea. This book suffers from a terrible case of "Empty Dress Syndrome", a term perfectly explained by Ranylt Richildis of Pajiba in this review, which is, appropriately enough, about a movie adaptation of another one of Phillippa Gregory's 'romances'. In short: the book is all frill and no substance. There's nothing else there but the illusion of something pretty. And the frill isn't even remotely interesting to look at.
It was just a huge disappointment. I love reading about the Tudors. They were a fascinating family, and the history surrounding them is just rife with great stories for people to tell and read. It's just a shame that Gregory seems to have cornered the market for these stories, because turning them into pathetic little romances just demeans them. As far as I can tell, all of her other books run in the same vein as this one, and it's just not a line I'm interested in pursuing.
It was about four chapters in, when Henry VII, the aging King of England, looks at his son's fiance and thinks about Katherine's "sexy mouth". That word. "Sexy". In a historical novel about Tudor England.
That simple, stupid word brought all my knowledge of bad historical novels crashing down on me. I knew in a flash that this book was going to be tedious, terribly inaccurate and worst of all, painfully cheesy. And I was right.
Listen, I get that people who write historical novels have to embellish their stories from time to time. I get that I'm just supposed to "enjoy the ride", not cringing at every stupid cheesy line in the book that would seem more fitting in a CW prime-time teen drama. I get that you want to make an already interesting story your own. Sometimes it works, if the writer is skilled enough to make the story seem a little bit interesting, but Phillippa Gregory just isn't that kind of author. As it turns out, she's taken what was a truly interesting historical character who lived at a tumultuous time, and she's turned her into the worst sort of whiny Disney princess, who sits at windows pining for true love. And it doesn't even have an interesting Prince and dancing characters to make up for the pathetic Princess.
Here's the true story: Katherine of Aragon was the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain. You know, the Spanish monarchs who sent Columbus off to do his thing. At age 4 she was formally betrothed to Arthur, son of Henry VII and heir to the throne of England. She was sent to England some years later, where she was married to the prince. She was left alone in a country whose language she didn't even speak yet. Her one job was to get married and give England an heir. Unfortunately, Prince Arthur died just a few years later, leaving her a widow and making his younger brother, Henry, the new heir. When Henry became King and needed a wife, Katherine seemed like a good choice. The Pope declared her marriage to Arthur as void, as it had never been consummated (there was wide belief that Arthur was impotent). Henry then married her, finally making her Queen of England. Later, as well all know, Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn and divorced Katherine, claiming that she had lied all along about the consummation of her marriage to Arthur.
See, I think that's a pretty fascinating story, especially the years between Katherine's marriage to Arthur and her subsequent marriage to Henry. Unfortunately, there's very little historical evidence of what those years were like for Katherine, and there's no definite answer to the question of whether Katherine lied about her relationship with Arthur. Gregory takes advantage of this and makes up a story. It's tempting to do that: you have your characters and an overarching plot. Just add some romantic stuff to the parts no one is really sure about. Gregory's idea is that Katherine lied to Henry and everyone else, and that her marriage to Arthur was one of true love--and rainbows and puppies and hot sex. But they didn't tell anyone about it...for some reason.
Yeah. In between whining about how much she misses Spain and whining about how much she wants to be Queen, Katherine falls deeply in love with Arthur. There's really no reason for it, other than, "Why not? It'll make a good romance story!" Gregory's explanation as to why no one ever really knew whether Arthur and Katherine slept together is that he used to sneak into her bedroom when everyone had gone to sleep and they'd have sex for hours, and he would leave before anyone saw them. You might be wondering how this makes any sense, and let me tell you: it doesn't. It's just a stupid plot contrivance that Gregory came up with to get away with writing a fairy tale about a princess who falls in love and then becomes really sad about it.
It's just terribly cheesy and straight out of a Young Adult novel, which I personally think is sort of insulting to the real Katherine. Athur and Katherine whisper sweet nothings to each other like two teenagers in love, instead of two complete strangers in an arranged marriage at a time when marriages were all about business and not love. I get that you want to romanticize it, but this book is just ridiculous. Specially when we know what life was like at that period, and that we know how the story ends. And it takes him just forever to die! It's almost 200 pages of cheesy, chaste little love scenes and rainbows and happiness. I kept muttering for Gregory to just get on with it and kill Arthur so that we could read something more compelling; for example, her far more interesting marriage to Henry VIII. But that just gets relegated to the last few chapters of the book, which makes absolutely no sense to me.
Some of the worst parts of the book come in the form of little asides in between actual scenes, which are told from Katherine's point of view. We know this because they're italicized, which makes them easier to skip. Once I got past the eye-rolling stupidity of the passages where a 10 year-old girl sounds like a wise woman of the world, I just started skipping them altogether. Because they were invariably in one of three lines: 1) I so want to be Queen! I was born to be Queen! For...some reason! 2) I love Arthur! he is so cute and sweet and my Prince Charming! and 3) I miss Spain! This is what Spain was like! Let me repeat it 1500 times so you'll get it! It was just ridiculous.
I don't know how I finished it, to be honest. I'd read a couple of pages, roll my eyes so hard they almost fell out of my head, and put the book down to go do something else. I took some notes as I read it. Here's a couple:
-"Tell me a story", said Arthur NO. SHUT UP. ENOUGH STORIES.
-"True Love" PSHAW. THIS IS TUDOR ENGLAND. WHERE IS THE PLAGUE WHEN YOU NEED IT?
-SNORE
You get the idea. This book suffers from a terrible case of "Empty Dress Syndrome", a term perfectly explained by Ranylt Richildis of Pajiba in this review, which is, appropriately enough, about a movie adaptation of another one of Phillippa Gregory's 'romances'. In short: the book is all frill and no substance. There's nothing else there but the illusion of something pretty. And the frill isn't even remotely interesting to look at.
It was just a huge disappointment. I love reading about the Tudors. They were a fascinating family, and the history surrounding them is just rife with great stories for people to tell and read. It's just a shame that Gregory seems to have cornered the market for these stories, because turning them into pathetic little romances just demeans them. As far as I can tell, all of her other books run in the same vein as this one, and it's just not a line I'm interested in pursuing.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Book #3: "Dead of Night" by Randy Wayne White
This book. Ugh.
This was one of those books I picked up at our house in Honduras, for no other reason than I had nothing else to read. I didn't really want to read it, based on the cover alone: a dark, stormy background, shiny bright letters, a scorpion in the corner. It just screamed "STAY AWAY".
I should have listened to my first instincts. Because this was a stinky, putrid mess of a book that I only remember because of how much I wanted to throw it at the wall.
Apparently, this was part of a series of books about the adventures of Doc Ford (*groan*) a former NSA Agent who is now a Marine Biologist in Florida. This was never explained; not in the blurb at the back or in the book itself. Now, it might be entirely my fault for not realizing that this was part of a series, but I would at least expect an author to give you a brief explanation of who this guy is, even if it's a one-paragraph bit of exposition. As it was, I was just honestly confused as to why this nerdy, unlikable character would run after some Evil Russian Minions after he finds them torturing some guy. It was still never explained properly-- there were only hints at some 'dark past' and 'mysterious operations' and random characters popping up that I suppose have some significance to the story. At least make an effort for readers who may not know the whole story. Am I asking for too much here? It doesn't really matter, though. I don't think there's any way I could have even begun to care about this obnoxious character, so a dossier of his life might only have made him more annoying.
As to the story itself, it was pretty pathetic. Some Evil Doctor is planning Evil Deeds from his Evil Lair in the Bahamas. His Evil Plan consists of releasing flesh-eating parasites into the waters of Florida (specifically the area around Disney World), with the purpose of driving everyone out so he can come in and buy cheap real estate. Then he would get rid of the parasites, and he could sell the land at great profit. Seems to me like a pretty round-about way of making some money. Specially when this Evil Doctor is so incompetent as to not even have a cure for the parasites when he first starts in on the plan. He sends some minions (Russian, of course) to torture some poor scientist, and Doc Ford catches them at it--they're not very good Minions. Then he's brought in on all the intrigue of some guy importing dangerous animals into Disney World. Or something.
All that is really just a stupid, incompetently drawn background. None of it makes any sense, and you get the feeling that White just wanted to show off how cool he thinks Doc Ford is. We spend much of the book following Doc Ford (that name just keeps making me cringe) on his stupid Harriet the Spy adventures in Florida. Watch as he tries to poorly investigate a murder, with his collection of stupid, badly drawn characters that we're supposed to find charming! Watch as he studies some things in his lab for 30 pages! Watch as he is Condescending and Bitchy to everyone he knows! He just wants to go surfing, man! Watch as we learn about sharks, which have nothing to do with this plot! Watch as he has relationship problems with someone off-screen! And finally, Read all about White's Research on Icky Animals! He can do research!
In short, it was an utter, painful bore.
The biggest problem, though, isn't the stupid plot or the lack of anything remotely exciting to read: it's the characters. Doc Ford is a condescending, unlikable ass of a person, and I kept waiting for the Evil (and Sexy) Russian Spy to kick his ass. He spouts bad one-liners from the book of bad James Bond Wannabes and he spends a lot of time hating all the work he has to do. The Evil and Sexy Russian Spy is nothing but that. She's sexy and she's evil. Apparently she has some ulterior motives that are never properly explained--at the end of it I didn't even know (or care) whose side she had been on. Doc Ford has some friends that don't really matter, including a stupid hippie and a Sassy Black Lady who is always off-screen, probably because she's too interesting to hang out with this dullard. He has a son who goes by the incredibly stupid name of Laken (who lives in "Central America" because everyone knows that place is just one giant country) and a pregnant fiance by the even stupider name of Dewey. It's like a collection of horrendous names and annoying characters. I didn't care about a single one of them. I kept wondering if I would have cared had I read the other books, but I didn't want to read the other books, and nothing could compel me to do so now.
And that was just the biggest problem in that soup of horribleness. The writing was terribly clunky, the pacing was all off-key and the sad attempts at action and suspense were just plain boring. There's plenty of deaths and gruesome details; but they're really worth nothing when everything else is a confusing mess of events happening off-screen while Doc Ford goes to a bar with his stupid hippie friend.
It's not worth it, really, getting so annoyed at this book. It was forgettable and trashy, the kind of thing that people buy at airports and then just "happen" to leave in a hotel room to rot until it can torture someone else. It's Michael Crichton For Dummies. You could do worse, I guess. But as for me, I'm just going to stay the hell away from Mr White and Doc Ford forever.
PS: As for the title? Bullshit! Nothing ever happens at night in this book. Stop trying to sound mysterious, sir.
This was one of those books I picked up at our house in Honduras, for no other reason than I had nothing else to read. I didn't really want to read it, based on the cover alone: a dark, stormy background, shiny bright letters, a scorpion in the corner. It just screamed "STAY AWAY".
I should have listened to my first instincts. Because this was a stinky, putrid mess of a book that I only remember because of how much I wanted to throw it at the wall.
Apparently, this was part of a series of books about the adventures of Doc Ford (*groan*) a former NSA Agent who is now a Marine Biologist in Florida. This was never explained; not in the blurb at the back or in the book itself. Now, it might be entirely my fault for not realizing that this was part of a series, but I would at least expect an author to give you a brief explanation of who this guy is, even if it's a one-paragraph bit of exposition. As it was, I was just honestly confused as to why this nerdy, unlikable character would run after some Evil Russian Minions after he finds them torturing some guy. It was still never explained properly-- there were only hints at some 'dark past' and 'mysterious operations' and random characters popping up that I suppose have some significance to the story. At least make an effort for readers who may not know the whole story. Am I asking for too much here? It doesn't really matter, though. I don't think there's any way I could have even begun to care about this obnoxious character, so a dossier of his life might only have made him more annoying.
As to the story itself, it was pretty pathetic. Some Evil Doctor is planning Evil Deeds from his Evil Lair in the Bahamas. His Evil Plan consists of releasing flesh-eating parasites into the waters of Florida (specifically the area around Disney World), with the purpose of driving everyone out so he can come in and buy cheap real estate. Then he would get rid of the parasites, and he could sell the land at great profit. Seems to me like a pretty round-about way of making some money. Specially when this Evil Doctor is so incompetent as to not even have a cure for the parasites when he first starts in on the plan. He sends some minions (Russian, of course) to torture some poor scientist, and Doc Ford catches them at it--they're not very good Minions. Then he's brought in on all the intrigue of some guy importing dangerous animals into Disney World. Or something.
All that is really just a stupid, incompetently drawn background. None of it makes any sense, and you get the feeling that White just wanted to show off how cool he thinks Doc Ford is. We spend much of the book following Doc Ford (that name just keeps making me cringe) on his stupid Harriet the Spy adventures in Florida. Watch as he tries to poorly investigate a murder, with his collection of stupid, badly drawn characters that we're supposed to find charming! Watch as he studies some things in his lab for 30 pages! Watch as he is Condescending and Bitchy to everyone he knows! He just wants to go surfing, man! Watch as we learn about sharks, which have nothing to do with this plot! Watch as he has relationship problems with someone off-screen! And finally, Read all about White's Research on Icky Animals! He can do research!
In short, it was an utter, painful bore.
The biggest problem, though, isn't the stupid plot or the lack of anything remotely exciting to read: it's the characters. Doc Ford is a condescending, unlikable ass of a person, and I kept waiting for the Evil (and Sexy) Russian Spy to kick his ass. He spouts bad one-liners from the book of bad James Bond Wannabes and he spends a lot of time hating all the work he has to do. The Evil and Sexy Russian Spy is nothing but that. She's sexy and she's evil. Apparently she has some ulterior motives that are never properly explained--at the end of it I didn't even know (or care) whose side she had been on. Doc Ford has some friends that don't really matter, including a stupid hippie and a Sassy Black Lady who is always off-screen, probably because she's too interesting to hang out with this dullard. He has a son who goes by the incredibly stupid name of Laken (who lives in "Central America" because everyone knows that place is just one giant country) and a pregnant fiance by the even stupider name of Dewey. It's like a collection of horrendous names and annoying characters. I didn't care about a single one of them. I kept wondering if I would have cared had I read the other books, but I didn't want to read the other books, and nothing could compel me to do so now.
And that was just the biggest problem in that soup of horribleness. The writing was terribly clunky, the pacing was all off-key and the sad attempts at action and suspense were just plain boring. There's plenty of deaths and gruesome details; but they're really worth nothing when everything else is a confusing mess of events happening off-screen while Doc Ford goes to a bar with his stupid hippie friend.
It's not worth it, really, getting so annoyed at this book. It was forgettable and trashy, the kind of thing that people buy at airports and then just "happen" to leave in a hotel room to rot until it can torture someone else. It's Michael Crichton For Dummies. You could do worse, I guess. But as for me, I'm just going to stay the hell away from Mr White and Doc Ford forever.
PS: As for the title? Bullshit! Nothing ever happens at night in this book. Stop trying to sound mysterious, sir.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Book #2: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" by JK Rowling
Here's the multi-million dollar question:
Why the hell am I reviewing this now?
And here's the 2 cent answer:
Because I had planned on reviewing it for the last Cannonball, but my sister ended up taking the books with her to college and I was too cheap to buy a new copy.
Fascinating.
So what does one say about an immensely popular book that came out in 2005 (holy crap, really? I feel so old) and that everyone and their sister has read?
Well, I really liked it. After the giant wad of nothingness that was Order of the Phoenix, this one was a lot meatier and a lot less infuriating. There were some fantastic scenes peppered in, a lot of sweet little moments and a lot of making fun of how lame Ron is, which is always rewarding. It's also even darker and more mature than any of the other books in the series, and by now I think everyone knows about the incredibly depressing ending.
The basic plot (yeah, don't even pretend like you don't know) has Harry in his 6th year at Hogwarts, with Voldemort finally back in power and starting to do some nasty things. Mysterious things happen at the school, there's a lot of Quidditch and teenage relationship problems, he has some interesting meetings with Dumbledore and there's a big battle at the end. You know, like with every other book in the series.
The overarching mystery this time is unfortunately rather pathetic. Harry suspects that Draco Malfoy is up to some shenanigans, and he spends the entire book trying to find out what it is while nobody listens to him (because, fuck, after 6 books of being right, why should anyone listen to Harry?). There's also the matter of who the Half-Blood Prince is, because...well, actually, no one really cares and that whole plot is a big dud. Basically, Harry gets a used Potions book with some mysterious annotations, and suddenly he's a genius at Potions. OH HOW MYSTERIOUS AND EXCITING. Let us spend 500 pages in trying to find out what some snotty little asshole is doing in secret and trying to figure out who was the little shit who vandalized a schoolbook. THE FIEND.
Luckily, it's not just Harry Potter and the Mystery of Draco's Night-Time Wanderings (He Probably Just Wanted Some PRIVACY, Potter), though there's entirely too much time devoted to that.
Oh, alright, the Draco thing is actually pretty cool in the end. And in between that and the MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY OF THE TEXTBOOK VANDALIZER, there's some rather cool stuff. Specifically, Harry starts meeting up with Dumbledore so that they can find out about what Voldemort was like in his youth. While there's a bigger purpose to that, the scenes dealing with the meetings themselves (which include diving into people's memories as has been seen before in the series) are really well done. Turns out that Voldemort was an evil little weirdo from the start, and the big revelation at the end is actually quite shocking, and nicely sets up the final book in the series. It's a nice departure from the usual deal where Dumbledore never tells Harry anything until the final scenes; which, incidentally, always made me think that Dumbledore was kind of a dick.
Rowling is admittedly formulaic, and the book suffers from the usual problems of the other series: namely, that we pretty much know exactly how the book is going to go (Harry goes to school, everything is swell until a mystery shows up, the kids try to figure it out on their own until the end when there's a big battle that Harry survives and then Dumbledore explains everything at the end). To Rowling's credit, however, it's still an exciting read. She knows her characters, and sometimes it's just fun to sit back and read about the relationship problems of three teenagers who can do magic but are still kinda dumb about such bizarre things as dating and (*gasp*) kissing. She's great at going from moments of total silliness to some pretty serious and dark events, and the world of the book (which completely falls apart if you even begin to think about it too much) is entertaining enough that you never really get bored in the non-action scenes.
On a tangent, it's a shame that the movie adaptation for this book wasn't better. The problem with the movies has always been that they're just a reel of highlights from the books, and sure it's nice to see good moments if you've read the books, but if you aren't a fan you'll just be incredibly confused. And you'll miss out on some great moments like finding out about Voldemort's past in favor of some of the more lighthearted stuff like "ooh! kids are kissing!". You can't really do justice to so much material in the course of an hour and a half, though I wish they had tried a little harder.
So, after that entirely too-long diatribe, I can just tell you that this is a pretty great book, and one of the best in the series. It would be silly to read it without going through the other five, so don't try that, you shameless cheater. I'd highly recommend reading it before watching the final movies, because otherwise you'll probably be very confused.
Now you'll have to wait a bit for my review of the final book in the series (I know you're all at the edges of your seats), because I don't have a copy, I can't get a library card yet and I can't decide if I should re-read it first or after I watch the final movie. FIGGY POTTER AND THE INCREDIBLY HARD DECISION PLUS THE LIBRARY CARD ADVENTURE! now in stores!
Now clickey here.
Why the hell am I reviewing this now?
And here's the 2 cent answer:
Because I had planned on reviewing it for the last Cannonball, but my sister ended up taking the books with her to college and I was too cheap to buy a new copy.
Fascinating.
So what does one say about an immensely popular book that came out in 2005 (holy crap, really? I feel so old) and that everyone and their sister has read?
Well, I really liked it. After the giant wad of nothingness that was Order of the Phoenix, this one was a lot meatier and a lot less infuriating. There were some fantastic scenes peppered in, a lot of sweet little moments and a lot of making fun of how lame Ron is, which is always rewarding. It's also even darker and more mature than any of the other books in the series, and by now I think everyone knows about the incredibly depressing ending.
The basic plot (yeah, don't even pretend like you don't know) has Harry in his 6th year at Hogwarts, with Voldemort finally back in power and starting to do some nasty things. Mysterious things happen at the school, there's a lot of Quidditch and teenage relationship problems, he has some interesting meetings with Dumbledore and there's a big battle at the end. You know, like with every other book in the series.
The overarching mystery this time is unfortunately rather pathetic. Harry suspects that Draco Malfoy is up to some shenanigans, and he spends the entire book trying to find out what it is while nobody listens to him (because, fuck, after 6 books of being right, why should anyone listen to Harry?). There's also the matter of who the Half-Blood Prince is, because...well, actually, no one really cares and that whole plot is a big dud. Basically, Harry gets a used Potions book with some mysterious annotations, and suddenly he's a genius at Potions. OH HOW MYSTERIOUS AND EXCITING. Let us spend 500 pages in trying to find out what some snotty little asshole is doing in secret and trying to figure out who was the little shit who vandalized a schoolbook. THE FIEND.
Luckily, it's not just Harry Potter and the Mystery of Draco's Night-Time Wanderings (He Probably Just Wanted Some PRIVACY, Potter), though there's entirely too much time devoted to that.
Oh, alright, the Draco thing is actually pretty cool in the end. And in between that and the MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY OF THE TEXTBOOK VANDALIZER, there's some rather cool stuff. Specifically, Harry starts meeting up with Dumbledore so that they can find out about what Voldemort was like in his youth. While there's a bigger purpose to that, the scenes dealing with the meetings themselves (which include diving into people's memories as has been seen before in the series) are really well done. Turns out that Voldemort was an evil little weirdo from the start, and the big revelation at the end is actually quite shocking, and nicely sets up the final book in the series. It's a nice departure from the usual deal where Dumbledore never tells Harry anything until the final scenes; which, incidentally, always made me think that Dumbledore was kind of a dick.
Rowling is admittedly formulaic, and the book suffers from the usual problems of the other series: namely, that we pretty much know exactly how the book is going to go (Harry goes to school, everything is swell until a mystery shows up, the kids try to figure it out on their own until the end when there's a big battle that Harry survives and then Dumbledore explains everything at the end). To Rowling's credit, however, it's still an exciting read. She knows her characters, and sometimes it's just fun to sit back and read about the relationship problems of three teenagers who can do magic but are still kinda dumb about such bizarre things as dating and (*gasp*) kissing. She's great at going from moments of total silliness to some pretty serious and dark events, and the world of the book (which completely falls apart if you even begin to think about it too much) is entertaining enough that you never really get bored in the non-action scenes.
On a tangent, it's a shame that the movie adaptation for this book wasn't better. The problem with the movies has always been that they're just a reel of highlights from the books, and sure it's nice to see good moments if you've read the books, but if you aren't a fan you'll just be incredibly confused. And you'll miss out on some great moments like finding out about Voldemort's past in favor of some of the more lighthearted stuff like "ooh! kids are kissing!". You can't really do justice to so much material in the course of an hour and a half, though I wish they had tried a little harder.
So, after that entirely too-long diatribe, I can just tell you that this is a pretty great book, and one of the best in the series. It would be silly to read it without going through the other five, so don't try that, you shameless cheater. I'd highly recommend reading it before watching the final movies, because otherwise you'll probably be very confused.
Now you'll have to wait a bit for my review of the final book in the series (I know you're all at the edges of your seats), because I don't have a copy, I can't get a library card yet and I can't decide if I should re-read it first or after I watch the final movie. FIGGY POTTER AND THE INCREDIBLY HARD DECISION PLUS THE LIBRARY CARD ADVENTURE! now in stores!
Now clickey here.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Book #1: "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller
Oh, well, what the hell.
I first read this book when I was only 16 years old. I didn't even know English very well back then, and I distinctly remember that large portions of the book went directly over my head. And I still enjoyed the hell out of it.
Imagine my surprise when I re-read it ten years later and my reaction was, well, almost exactly the same as it had been back then.
To put it in a few words, Catch-22 is confusing, disjointed and disorienting as all hell. And it's one of the funniest books I have ever read. This time around I was able to pick up on so many more of the (sometimes admittedly groan-inducing) jokes that Heller has sprinkled all over book. I was able to keep better track of the 15 thousand characters that show up at completely random moments, and to keep a slightly less-slippery grasp of the story, which hops from place to place sometimes within the same sentence.
It's hard to write about this book, because where the hell do you even begin? There's no such thing as a linear story, and the best way to sum it up is this: There's this guy in the army at the end (or...the beginning) of World War 2. His name is John Yossarian, and he's a pilot who doesn't want to fly any more missions, because he thinks that everyone is out to kill him. "They're out to kill everybody", he's told. But he takes it personally. But he's told he can't get grounded, because the only people who get grounded are the crazy ones. But the crazy ones don't want to get grounded, so they fly more missions. Yossarian is clearly not crazy, because he doesn't want to die. Got that? That's Catch-22.
Are you as confused as I was trying to write that? Good, because this whole book is like that. It has a beginning, sure, and an ending, but shortly after the first two pages Heller goes back in time, then a little bit forwards, then further back, the further ahead, and soon you have absolutely no idea of where you are. You just know that there's some guy named Milo who feeds the squadron cotton balls covered in chocolate, and a chaplain, and a guy with named Major Major Major Major. And it's all outrageously funny. Sometimes. Most of the time. Sometimes the book can get incredibly depressing, specially towards the end.
And that's kind of the point, really. Heller is trying to tell you that war is confusing and dehumanizing. That everyone is equally ridiculous and absurd, but that things can also be deathly serious. When you sit down and think about the world that Yossarian is stuck in, it seems like that is what hell would be like.
It's definitely not a book for everyone. I've often heard people saying they couldn't keep reading, because the story was too confusing. Too many characters, too much absurdist nonsense. And that's true, but that's exactly why I loved it. You never known where the book is headed, and I actually enjoyed feeling like my head was spinning after reading certain parts of the book.
I'd say give it a try. You'll either love it or hate it, but hopefully you'll laugh as hard as I did. I always recommend this book to everyone I meet, though maybe sometimes I shouldn't. I just think everyone should give it a try and make up their own minds.
Then you'd be in on the joke, and you'd know the answer to eternal questions such as "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
I first read this book when I was only 16 years old. I didn't even know English very well back then, and I distinctly remember that large portions of the book went directly over my head. And I still enjoyed the hell out of it.
Imagine my surprise when I re-read it ten years later and my reaction was, well, almost exactly the same as it had been back then.
To put it in a few words, Catch-22 is confusing, disjointed and disorienting as all hell. And it's one of the funniest books I have ever read. This time around I was able to pick up on so many more of the (sometimes admittedly groan-inducing) jokes that Heller has sprinkled all over book. I was able to keep better track of the 15 thousand characters that show up at completely random moments, and to keep a slightly less-slippery grasp of the story, which hops from place to place sometimes within the same sentence.
It's hard to write about this book, because where the hell do you even begin? There's no such thing as a linear story, and the best way to sum it up is this: There's this guy in the army at the end (or...the beginning) of World War 2. His name is John Yossarian, and he's a pilot who doesn't want to fly any more missions, because he thinks that everyone is out to kill him. "They're out to kill everybody", he's told. But he takes it personally. But he's told he can't get grounded, because the only people who get grounded are the crazy ones. But the crazy ones don't want to get grounded, so they fly more missions. Yossarian is clearly not crazy, because he doesn't want to die. Got that? That's Catch-22.
Are you as confused as I was trying to write that? Good, because this whole book is like that. It has a beginning, sure, and an ending, but shortly after the first two pages Heller goes back in time, then a little bit forwards, then further back, the further ahead, and soon you have absolutely no idea of where you are. You just know that there's some guy named Milo who feeds the squadron cotton balls covered in chocolate, and a chaplain, and a guy with named Major Major Major Major. And it's all outrageously funny. Sometimes. Most of the time. Sometimes the book can get incredibly depressing, specially towards the end.
And that's kind of the point, really. Heller is trying to tell you that war is confusing and dehumanizing. That everyone is equally ridiculous and absurd, but that things can also be deathly serious. When you sit down and think about the world that Yossarian is stuck in, it seems like that is what hell would be like.
It's definitely not a book for everyone. I've often heard people saying they couldn't keep reading, because the story was too confusing. Too many characters, too much absurdist nonsense. And that's true, but that's exactly why I loved it. You never known where the book is headed, and I actually enjoyed feeling like my head was spinning after reading certain parts of the book.
I'd say give it a try. You'll either love it or hate it, but hopefully you'll laugh as hard as I did. I always recommend this book to everyone I meet, though maybe sometimes I shouldn't. I just think everyone should give it a try and make up their own minds.
Then you'd be in on the joke, and you'd know the answer to eternal questions such as "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Cannonball Starts!
Here's a very important tip for all you Cannonballers:
Never wait too long to write a book review. If you can, write it immediately after you've finished the book. Otherwise, you'll get lazy as I did and then have the books pile up so that you'll have 5 reviews to write and you can't even remember how you felt about the first few books.
So that's where I'm at. I've begun the reading strong, but since I was home and surrounded by people, I couldn't get into the writing mood. Now have to get myself there again, and it's a pain, because I revel in the laziness of winter.
So far I've read 3 books--two excellent, one quite horrible. The one I'm currently on is a massive bore and I'm forcing myself to get through it quickly, even though I want to put it down every couple of pages. But I must persevere. I've also been reading a fifth on my iPod while at airports and such, so I must make myself finish it.
And through all, I think I'm going to be doing reviews of Breaking Dawn. Because obviously, I hate myself. But I admit that the Twilight reviews were a lot of fun to write (tunnel vision, yay!) and I think they made a lot of people laugh. Plus it'll keep me writing and get me another book on the list.
Onwards! I'll get started on that first review right now.
Never wait too long to write a book review. If you can, write it immediately after you've finished the book. Otherwise, you'll get lazy as I did and then have the books pile up so that you'll have 5 reviews to write and you can't even remember how you felt about the first few books.
So that's where I'm at. I've begun the reading strong, but since I was home and surrounded by people, I couldn't get into the writing mood. Now have to get myself there again, and it's a pain, because I revel in the laziness of winter.
So far I've read 3 books--two excellent, one quite horrible. The one I'm currently on is a massive bore and I'm forcing myself to get through it quickly, even though I want to put it down every couple of pages. But I must persevere. I've also been reading a fifth on my iPod while at airports and such, so I must make myself finish it.
And through all, I think I'm going to be doing reviews of Breaking Dawn. Because obviously, I hate myself. But I admit that the Twilight reviews were a lot of fun to write (tunnel vision, yay!) and I think they made a lot of people laugh. Plus it'll keep me writing and get me another book on the list.
Onwards! I'll get started on that first review right now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Torn.
I'm wondering if it's always going to be like this.
I've spent all year in Dallas wanting to visit Honduras for at least a little while. To see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room to read during sunset, to enjoy my family and eat some tortillas.
And now I've done it, and I spent far too much time wishing I was back in Texas; with my husband, my bed, my own place, my own food.
Now it's time to leave Honduras again--and I don't want to. Because I won't get to see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room and read during sunset, won't get to see my family again for another, too-long while.
I suppose it'll never really go away, this feeling of being divided between two places I call home. I'm thinking that my sense of Dallas as 'home' will grow stronger over time; but I'll never get over missing this beautiful house, this crazy family.
And I'm getting tired of saying goodbye to my family. Too much crying.
I guess for now, it's still a little heartbreaking every time I leave one place for the other. And that's alright, because I don't ever want to lose the ties I have to this place.
I guess that's what growing up is all about.
I've spent all year in Dallas wanting to visit Honduras for at least a little while. To see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room to read during sunset, to enjoy my family and eat some tortillas.
And now I've done it, and I spent far too much time wishing I was back in Texas; with my husband, my bed, my own place, my own food.
Now it's time to leave Honduras again--and I don't want to. Because I won't get to see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room and read during sunset, won't get to see my family again for another, too-long while.
I suppose it'll never really go away, this feeling of being divided between two places I call home. I'm thinking that my sense of Dallas as 'home' will grow stronger over time; but I'll never get over missing this beautiful house, this crazy family.
And I'm getting tired of saying goodbye to my family. Too much crying.
I guess for now, it's still a little heartbreaking every time I leave one place for the other. And that's alright, because I don't ever want to lose the ties I have to this place.
I guess that's what growing up is all about.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Checking in...
So I'm finally back in Tegucigalpa after a very long 5 days in Copan Ruinas. I've got a very long post to write about it and my brother's wedding (which was quite wonderful), but that'll have to wait until, well, until I'm not feeling so damn lazy*. Chalk it up to not having slept right for the past three days and having barely made up on any sleep last night.
That's it for now. Just wanted to check in and let the world know I'm mostly alive and well, and planning to eat all the mantequilla and cheese in Honduras until the day I leave. Whee!
*And until I get a better keyboard. I decided that lugging around my laptop wasn't worth the trouble and I've only brought along my iPod Touch. I'm on family computer right now, and the keyboard is pretty terrible. So you'll just have to sit there and wait.
That's it for now. Just wanted to check in and let the world know I'm mostly alive and well, and planning to eat all the mantequilla and cheese in Honduras until the day I leave. Whee!
*And until I get a better keyboard. I decided that lugging around my laptop wasn't worth the trouble and I've only brought along my iPod Touch. I'm on family computer right now, and the keyboard is pretty terrible. So you'll just have to sit there and wait.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
uuugh.
Just a quick post to check in, though I really should write a longer account of the holidays but I'm beyond exhausted right now and don't think I can manage much.
So: we had a wonderful Christmas with lots of presents and food and games at my in-laws' house, though we got there a couple of days later than we had planned because the car crapped out. Then it finished crapping out on Sunday: the day we were supposed to get back home. Awesome. Specially because our anniversary was today.
It...wasn't very good, but I cried enough about it today that it's really all a blur. The entire day was spent thus: MrFig and his dad (who was just awesome) trying to fix the car, me in the guest house watching bad TV and napping (and yeah, crying at one point because feh, I had to), MrFig's mom cooking delicious lunch for us all, and everyone just being anxious because we needed to get back home today. So on and so forth, until 6pm.
And finally, we came home. We borrowed MrFig's brother's car (huzzah for great in-laws!) and got in at about 11pm. I rested for a bit and packed, showered and got on the computer while poor MrFig slept a little bit.
So went our first anniversary. It's a good thing that neither one of us is really crazy about celebrating these things with big shindigs, but we had been planning for at least a fancy dinner out and some champagne and our wedding cake (eew). But, well, things just don't work out sometimes. We'll celebrate properly when I get back from Honduras (January 12th), and really, at this point? I'm just glad to be home.
Now I wait an hour and a half or so before we have to drive to the airport in 40 degree weather. I check in, fly to Houston, wait for an hour, fly to Honduras where it'll be a nice and balmy 80 degrees. I can't wait to see everyone: a year is way too long for me to be away from home.
I can't wait to see my dogs.
I'll try and check in as soon as I get in, though it might get dicey what with me not taking my laptop this time. It might be a huge mistake, but the thing is bulky and the power chord is broken so I couldn't even take it anywhere. I'm taking my crappy iPod Touch (it's used and the buttons are just totally wonky) and hope it'll keep me entertained. Whenever it doesn't, I'll steal my mom's computer. Bwah.
I'm so tired I feel a little dizzy. I think I'll have a Dr Pepper.
So, catch you all on the flipside. Send good travel vibes.
So: we had a wonderful Christmas with lots of presents and food and games at my in-laws' house, though we got there a couple of days later than we had planned because the car crapped out. Then it finished crapping out on Sunday: the day we were supposed to get back home. Awesome. Specially because our anniversary was today.
It...wasn't very good, but I cried enough about it today that it's really all a blur. The entire day was spent thus: MrFig and his dad (who was just awesome) trying to fix the car, me in the guest house watching bad TV and napping (and yeah, crying at one point because feh, I had to), MrFig's mom cooking delicious lunch for us all, and everyone just being anxious because we needed to get back home today. So on and so forth, until 6pm.
And finally, we came home. We borrowed MrFig's brother's car (huzzah for great in-laws!) and got in at about 11pm. I rested for a bit and packed, showered and got on the computer while poor MrFig slept a little bit.
So went our first anniversary. It's a good thing that neither one of us is really crazy about celebrating these things with big shindigs, but we had been planning for at least a fancy dinner out and some champagne and our wedding cake (eew). But, well, things just don't work out sometimes. We'll celebrate properly when I get back from Honduras (January 12th), and really, at this point? I'm just glad to be home.
Now I wait an hour and a half or so before we have to drive to the airport in 40 degree weather. I check in, fly to Houston, wait for an hour, fly to Honduras where it'll be a nice and balmy 80 degrees. I can't wait to see everyone: a year is way too long for me to be away from home.
I can't wait to see my dogs.
I'll try and check in as soon as I get in, though it might get dicey what with me not taking my laptop this time. It might be a huge mistake, but the thing is bulky and the power chord is broken so I couldn't even take it anywhere. I'm taking my crappy iPod Touch (it's used and the buttons are just totally wonky) and hope it'll keep me entertained. Whenever it doesn't, I'll steal my mom's computer. Bwah.
I'm so tired I feel a little dizzy. I think I'll have a Dr Pepper.
So, catch you all on the flipside. Send good travel vibes.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Cannonball, Part 3!
Here's something exciting: The Cannonball Read is back!
As you'll recall, it's basically a challenge created by Pajiba, in which you try to read as many books as you can in a year. The ultimate goal is 100 (which I barely managed to do in 2009), but you can do 52 (one per week), or even half of that. Whatever you're up to doing. The other part of the challenge is that you write a short review for said book, which I admit really got exhausting after the first 50 or so. By the end I wasn't even trying, which was pretty pathetic of me, and I hope to do much better this time.
The best thing is that anyone can participate, even if you're not really familiar with Pajiba. But you should be, because, well, it's awesome.
Read the full info on the challenge here. It starts off January 1st, so it might be a little dicey for me what with New Year's hangovers and a wedding the next day, but I'll do my best to start out then. I've decided to start with Catch-22, which I've read before, albeit something like 10 years ago (it's preferable if you haven't read the books for the challenge, but I think they're pretty flexible about that). Actually, I started to read it about a week ago, but didn't get very far, what with work and everything, so I'll give myself a couple of days into 2011 before I begin. Meanwhile, I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban for the fifteenth time or so, mostly because it was just sitting there.
So, there it is. I'm getting myself a library card and going to town with reading. Hope some of you join in! Check back here in 2011 for my reviews, which I promise to put a little effort into this time. 100 books baby! And just to make it harder on myself, I'll try to read one new book for every re-read I do. I need some new material.
As you'll recall, it's basically a challenge created by Pajiba, in which you try to read as many books as you can in a year. The ultimate goal is 100 (which I barely managed to do in 2009), but you can do 52 (one per week), or even half of that. Whatever you're up to doing. The other part of the challenge is that you write a short review for said book, which I admit really got exhausting after the first 50 or so. By the end I wasn't even trying, which was pretty pathetic of me, and I hope to do much better this time.
The best thing is that anyone can participate, even if you're not really familiar with Pajiba. But you should be, because, well, it's awesome.
Read the full info on the challenge here. It starts off January 1st, so it might be a little dicey for me what with New Year's hangovers and a wedding the next day, but I'll do my best to start out then. I've decided to start with Catch-22, which I've read before, albeit something like 10 years ago (it's preferable if you haven't read the books for the challenge, but I think they're pretty flexible about that). Actually, I started to read it about a week ago, but didn't get very far, what with work and everything, so I'll give myself a couple of days into 2011 before I begin. Meanwhile, I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban for the fifteenth time or so, mostly because it was just sitting there.
So, there it is. I'm getting myself a library card and going to town with reading. Hope some of you join in! Check back here in 2011 for my reviews, which I promise to put a little effort into this time. 100 books baby! And just to make it harder on myself, I'll try to read one new book for every re-read I do. I need some new material.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Going back to the boring real world stuff...
Alright, so enough with the dilly-dallying and the 'oh I have nothing interesting to say' bullshit because I want to update and I WILL and who cares if it's not the most exciting thing in the world. Right? Right. So, here's a bullet-point list of shit that's on my mind today, because there's a lot of it and I like bullet points. But not bullets. Go figure.
- Going home in 12 days. Eeeeeeee! It's been a year and 7 days, now. I think it's the longest I've ever been away from home before. I almost did a whole year one time when I was in college, but this is definitely the longest. I feel like I'll die if I don't eat a real Honduran tortilla soon.
-So, going home for my older brother's wedding. Eee! We're spending New Year's together in beautiful Copan Ruins. Then the wedding's on the 2nd and I'm home til the 13th. I'm going alone because tickets are way too expensive for both Graham and I to go, so alas. But still! Exciting.
-So I have a dress for the wedding. But I want new shoes for it. And I just went to every single shoe store at the mall today and found FUCK ALL. Everything seems to be either boring old flats (no!) or gigantic 5 inch platform heels that just makes me think that some women must have a death wish. How do you WALK in those? Besides they just make your feet look gigantic. Ugh. And the ones I liked were either $300 (um, no) or in the wrong color. It's driving me insane.
-Oh, yeah. I've quit my job. At least I put in a two-week's notice last week. Last day is December 21st. I should probably feel terrified, but truth be told I'm nothing but relieved. I only planned on staying on til the end of the year, anyway, and it really wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Plus it was just kind of miserable. I'll miss some of my coworkers, but overall it was just a temporary thing, and I won't miss the exhaustion at the end of the day.
-The plan is to finally get to work on getting my teacher's degree next year. I badly want to go back to teaching, and just making a decent salary for once. That'd be nice.
- Christmas shopping DONE. Mostly. I'd write the details here but I suspect some family members might read this so hush, hush. I love Christmas. Can't wait.
So, that's a start. I'll try to get back into the hang of this, since it's been so damn long since I've written anything that's not a facebook status. That's kind of pathetic.
- Going home in 12 days. Eeeeeeee! It's been a year and 7 days, now. I think it's the longest I've ever been away from home before. I almost did a whole year one time when I was in college, but this is definitely the longest. I feel like I'll die if I don't eat a real Honduran tortilla soon.
-So, going home for my older brother's wedding. Eee! We're spending New Year's together in beautiful Copan Ruins. Then the wedding's on the 2nd and I'm home til the 13th. I'm going alone because tickets are way too expensive for both Graham and I to go, so alas. But still! Exciting.
-So I have a dress for the wedding. But I want new shoes for it. And I just went to every single shoe store at the mall today and found FUCK ALL. Everything seems to be either boring old flats (no!) or gigantic 5 inch platform heels that just makes me think that some women must have a death wish. How do you WALK in those? Besides they just make your feet look gigantic. Ugh. And the ones I liked were either $300 (um, no) or in the wrong color. It's driving me insane.
-Oh, yeah. I've quit my job. At least I put in a two-week's notice last week. Last day is December 21st. I should probably feel terrified, but truth be told I'm nothing but relieved. I only planned on staying on til the end of the year, anyway, and it really wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Plus it was just kind of miserable. I'll miss some of my coworkers, but overall it was just a temporary thing, and I won't miss the exhaustion at the end of the day.
-The plan is to finally get to work on getting my teacher's degree next year. I badly want to go back to teaching, and just making a decent salary for once. That'd be nice.
- Christmas shopping DONE. Mostly. I'd write the details here but I suspect some family members might read this so hush, hush. I love Christmas. Can't wait.
So, that's a start. I'll try to get back into the hang of this, since it's been so damn long since I've written anything that's not a facebook status. That's kind of pathetic.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Songs I love by Artists I Don't Like So Much
I'm working on finally finishing the damned Twilight monstrosity, but to hold you over in your surely uncontainable excitement, here's a new feature I'd like to introduce.
As you can see from the very eloquent title up there, it's well, songs I love by artists I can't stand. You know, for all my snobbishness when it comes to TV, movies and books, I've never really been very big on music elitism. I can't really explain or understand it, but I've never worked myself up about certain singers or bands, with perhaps the notable exceptions of Elton John or, well, the Backstreet Boys when I was 15. I think after that I started to realize that bands come and go, and that I really did like a little bit of every type of music (even rap and country, bwah). And while there are artists that I truly do despise, I still let myself like something by people that only bother me and that I normally ignore. For example, I'll steer clear of anything by Katy Perry, I'll let something by Mariah Carey skate on by if I like the song enough. Point is: if I like a song, I'll like a song, and who is singing it won't matter unless it's under extreme circumstances.
All that confusing rant has led me to is this: I actually like a song by Avril Lavigne. Yes, she's a silly little girl pretending to be a punk rocker in the most laughable manner possible, but I still like this song for some damn reason. I think I just heard it at the appropriate time-- we weren't all exhausted by the tiny chick with the raccoon eyes, and I was just in the right mood to hear it and for it to endear itself to me.
Plus, it's just a nice little song. The lyrics are immature, of course, and her voice is quite obviously weak in parts, but there's something I like about it. And here ends my pathetic attempt at writing about music-- mostly I just like a song and I can't really be bothered to explain or understand why. So I'll just post the freakin' song already.
Here's "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne:
[Full disclosure: I didn't even watch the video]
And yes, I realize I just admitted to the internet that I like an Avril Lavigne song. And I posted it on my blog. That's the fun of it!
As you can see from the very eloquent title up there, it's well, songs I love by artists I can't stand. You know, for all my snobbishness when it comes to TV, movies and books, I've never really been very big on music elitism. I can't really explain or understand it, but I've never worked myself up about certain singers or bands, with perhaps the notable exceptions of Elton John or, well, the Backstreet Boys when I was 15. I think after that I started to realize that bands come and go, and that I really did like a little bit of every type of music (even rap and country, bwah). And while there are artists that I truly do despise, I still let myself like something by people that only bother me and that I normally ignore. For example, I'll steer clear of anything by Katy Perry, I'll let something by Mariah Carey skate on by if I like the song enough. Point is: if I like a song, I'll like a song, and who is singing it won't matter unless it's under extreme circumstances.
All that confusing rant has led me to is this: I actually like a song by Avril Lavigne. Yes, she's a silly little girl pretending to be a punk rocker in the most laughable manner possible, but I still like this song for some damn reason. I think I just heard it at the appropriate time-- we weren't all exhausted by the tiny chick with the raccoon eyes, and I was just in the right mood to hear it and for it to endear itself to me.
Plus, it's just a nice little song. The lyrics are immature, of course, and her voice is quite obviously weak in parts, but there's something I like about it. And here ends my pathetic attempt at writing about music-- mostly I just like a song and I can't really be bothered to explain or understand why. So I'll just post the freakin' song already.
Here's "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne:
[Full disclosure: I didn't even watch the video]
And yes, I realize I just admitted to the internet that I like an Avril Lavigne song. And I posted it on my blog. That's the fun of it!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Pain: Chapter 24 (finally)
Holy crap, I STILL haven't finished this? I could've sworn I had, because there's no other excuse for how long it's taken me to get to the final chapter of the monstrosity. Well, aside from the fact that work's been insane and I just haven't, you know, missed these assholes. But let's do it, so we can all move on with our lives and I can finally wash my hands off this damned thing.
Into the breach once more, dear friends! Sparkletard, activate!
*Schwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*
****
CHAPTER 24: AN IMPASSE
(Look! I can use the dictionary to look up them fancy words!)
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 43
Quick and Hard Summary:
Just to bring us all up to speed: Bella fell into Eeeeeevil James' brain-crushingly stupid trap and was attacked in a ballet studio. Just after she'd been both beaten and bitten (yay, alliteration) she is saved by the Cullens, who arrive as she's passing out so we miss all the good stuff. Edward is forced to save her by sucking out the vampire poison that James infected her with (which would turn her into a vampire, which is what she really wants all along), and she is saved. Ta-daa. Caught up? OK, so in this one she wakes up in the hospital, where they make up some story for the doctors that is worthy of any battered woman in denial. It's really gross, even grosser is the horrible dependency that comes out of Bella. She talks to her mom, and it's pretty gross too. Everything is gross, but nothing is grosser than all the lovey-dovey talk these two asshole teenagers engage in near the end. Plus, there's an epilogue, which is just beyond laughable. Let's get to the meat in this shit sandwich.
Real-Time Notes:
--She wakes up. Dammit. she's in the hospital. her first words are "Edward" because JESUS WOMAN. ASK AFTER YOUR FUCKING FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THERAPY FOR YOUR SICKENING DEPENDENCY. FUCK.
[That's my angry voice. In case you couldn't tell. I find it hilarious that that's exactly what I wrote down when I was reading it. Not changing a word. Therapy, indeed.]
-44
"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow."
Then she apologizes for what happened, which, great, good way to start.
-"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You have to admit, it could happen."
*snort* the sad thing is everyone would believe that story...as they would believe any story they concocted if Eddie hurt her, by the way. Creepy. "Oh, no that bruise isn't from Edward hugging me too hard! I ran into a door, honest!"
-He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile. "I must love you." "Don't I taste as good as I smell?" I smiled in response. That hurt my face.
"Even better — better than I'd imagined."
OK dude that's just disgusting. HE SUCKED YOUR FUCKING BLOOD YOU INFINITELY GIANT TWAT. I mean, just. *horf*. Also it's even weirder if you just think of the 'sucking blood' as, well, sex. Which is obviously what it's meant to be. Listen, girls! A good boyfriend will stop because he really loves you!
-"I'm sorry," I apologized. He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Of all the things to apologize for." "What should I apologize for?" "For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever." "I'm sorry," I apologized again."
HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU FUCKWIT. OK, so yes, you were a complete fucking idiot for falling into the trap, but the Cullens knew you're a fucking idiot and still they were dumber than you and let you get away. And they didn't kill James before, when it would've been so easy to do it. So I guess it's everyone's fault. But shut the fuck up, Bella. Stop doing everything your boyfriend says.
"Say you're a banana." "Yes, Edward. I'm a banana." "Good girl!"
FUCK.
[Note: When I saw this in my notes I wasn't sure if it was an actual quote or if I had written it. Tells you something about the quality of the Poop's writing, doesn't it? I mean, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if there was a line exactly like that in the book somewhere.]
-So Emmet and Jasper killed James, whatever. I guess they were so incompetent that the one way they could deal with him was if he was trapped in a tiny room by himself. Good job, dudes. You're so manly.
- "Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…" I rolled my eyes. I was pleased to discover that this reaction, at least, was pain-free. I decided to change the subject."
Jeebus, Bella for ONCE think about yourself and not how your goddamn creepy fucktard controlling monster fucking fucking FUCK of a boyfriend feels.
Aaah feels good to get that off my chest. I hate this guy SO MUCH.
[Oh, the rage...]
-Uh-huh. So the story they'll tell her parents is that Bella drove out to see the Cullens, and then she fell down the stairs. They'll believe this shit? What kind of parents are these?
-"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again."
Jesus Christ on a cracker.
-"Friday?" I was shocked. I tried to remember what day it had been when… but I didn't want to think about that."
That means Poop couldn't be bothered to think of something. Hilarious.
-Mom comes in, they chatter mindlessly. Apparently Mom thinks Bella wants to move back in with her which, HA! Poor, poor Mom. You rasied a spoiled, entitled little brat who is so utterly dependent on her boyfriend that she can't take two steps without him. There's no way she's going anywhere with you.
-"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…"
WELL, THAT'S OK THEN. Let's not forget that she also got seriously hurt while being with him and she doesn't have any other friends and she's freakishly dependent on him...jeebus, with a mother like that, no wonder Bella is so monumentally stupid. It's like, you look at Dina Lohan and you understand exactly why Lindsay Lohan turned out the way she did.
-Blahblah, Eddie's all "I should leave you" and didn't we go through all this before? yes we did. At painful, agonizing length. You're too horny, Eddie, and she's too stupid. Therefore, you'll stick around each other like poisonous leeches. The end.
- "Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice."
This girl is freaking me out. And after she KNOWS she can be hurt by him AND his kind. DO YOU SEE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?! Poop has some massive issues, people. Hey girls, throw yourselves at your boyfriend who almost just got you killed, because helplessness is so attractive, and crying and sobbing is the way to keep 'em!
- "Do you swear you won't leave me?" I whispered. I tried to control the gasping, at least. My ribs were throbbing."
Good God this girl has serious psychological problems, doesn't she? Goooood lord!
-"Why did you say that?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"
-Edward is finally making a good point about how this is all his fault and YES YES IT IS HIS FAULT. But Bella's all "no it's all me" and blah blah don't ever feel guilty about how hurt I get!
Those two fucking deserve each other. I guess that's one good thing about this horrible couple: they won't go infect the world with their horribleness once they have each other. It's pretty much how I feel about most celebrity couples.
-"He heard the change in my tone. His eyes tightened. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," he added roughly."
Oh, well that's just fucking fabulous and SOOOOOOOO romantic, isn't it? Ugh, Edward's such a pansy. Man up and move to Paris and get you some french hookers or something. Be the stereotypical man for once!
- He doesn't promise he'll never leave. Snerk. Thus, Poop sets up the entire plot of the next book, by the way.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Bitch, PLEASE. You're Jimmy fucking Olsen. You're the shit stain on the bottom of Superman's shoes. Also how is Eddie anywhere near...just...I'll stop. That statement is too fucking stupid to pay too much attention to.
-Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire, whee.
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." I was getting better at this. It was easy to admit how much I needed him."
I.E: "Fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck those people who seem to care about me for some reason. The fuck do they matter? I Want to be with my pretty boy friend." This chick, honestly.
-*snerk* she basically says she doesn't give a shit about them. They're gonna die anyway, right?
-"I glared at him. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."
NOOOOOOOOO NOT OLD OHMYGAWD.
-Christ, Eddie, you know what? she will NEVER stop whining about this. EVER. Just fucking turn her already so we can get it over with?
- "Alice already saw it, didn't she?" I guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."
HAHAHAHA NICE. Also notice how Poop just told us how the series ends. No need to even read the rest of the books. Oh, Poop. You are a marvel of incompetence.
-"I will," he promised. His voice was beautiful, like a lullaby. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."
Blargh.
But you know, aside from Mom and Dad, whom Bella clearly Doesn't give a shit about, what's so bad about becoming a vampire, specially with these hippie sparkly jackasses? as I've said before: NOTHING AT ALL. She'll have all eternity to learn and whatever, she won't gain weight from eating, she won't have to worry about money, ever, she'll be with her stupid pretty boyfriend and she'll be covered in body jewelry. But no, we have to make it a dumbass conflict for no reason at all. FAIL.
AND I HAVE REACHED THE EPILOGUE. HALLELUJAH.
Final Impression: Wrong on so many levels.
Final "Pretty" Count: 45
Final Grade: Fuck this, I'm making myself a sandwich.
Into the breach once more, dear friends! Sparkletard, activate!
*Schwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*
****
CHAPTER 24: AN IMPASSE
(Look! I can use the dictionary to look up them fancy words!)
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 43
Quick and Hard Summary:
Just to bring us all up to speed: Bella fell into Eeeeeevil James' brain-crushingly stupid trap and was attacked in a ballet studio. Just after she'd been both beaten and bitten (yay, alliteration) she is saved by the Cullens, who arrive as she's passing out so we miss all the good stuff. Edward is forced to save her by sucking out the vampire poison that James infected her with (which would turn her into a vampire, which is what she really wants all along), and she is saved. Ta-daa. Caught up? OK, so in this one she wakes up in the hospital, where they make up some story for the doctors that is worthy of any battered woman in denial. It's really gross, even grosser is the horrible dependency that comes out of Bella. She talks to her mom, and it's pretty gross too. Everything is gross, but nothing is grosser than all the lovey-dovey talk these two asshole teenagers engage in near the end. Plus, there's an epilogue, which is just beyond laughable. Let's get to the meat in this shit sandwich.
Real-Time Notes:
--She wakes up. Dammit. she's in the hospital. her first words are "Edward" because JESUS WOMAN. ASK AFTER YOUR FUCKING FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THERAPY FOR YOUR SICKENING DEPENDENCY. FUCK.
[That's my angry voice. In case you couldn't tell. I find it hilarious that that's exactly what I wrote down when I was reading it. Not changing a word. Therapy, indeed.]
-44
"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow."
Then she apologizes for what happened, which, great, good way to start.
-"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You have to admit, it could happen."
*snort* the sad thing is everyone would believe that story...as they would believe any story they concocted if Eddie hurt her, by the way. Creepy. "Oh, no that bruise isn't from Edward hugging me too hard! I ran into a door, honest!"
-He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile. "I must love you." "Don't I taste as good as I smell?" I smiled in response. That hurt my face.
"Even better — better than I'd imagined."
OK dude that's just disgusting. HE SUCKED YOUR FUCKING BLOOD YOU INFINITELY GIANT TWAT. I mean, just. *horf*. Also it's even weirder if you just think of the 'sucking blood' as, well, sex. Which is obviously what it's meant to be. Listen, girls! A good boyfriend will stop because he really loves you!
-"I'm sorry," I apologized. He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Of all the things to apologize for." "What should I apologize for?" "For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever." "I'm sorry," I apologized again."
HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU FUCKWIT. OK, so yes, you were a complete fucking idiot for falling into the trap, but the Cullens knew you're a fucking idiot and still they were dumber than you and let you get away. And they didn't kill James before, when it would've been so easy to do it. So I guess it's everyone's fault. But shut the fuck up, Bella. Stop doing everything your boyfriend says.
"Say you're a banana." "Yes, Edward. I'm a banana." "Good girl!"
FUCK.
[Note: When I saw this in my notes I wasn't sure if it was an actual quote or if I had written it. Tells you something about the quality of the Poop's writing, doesn't it? I mean, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if there was a line exactly like that in the book somewhere.]
-So Emmet and Jasper killed James, whatever. I guess they were so incompetent that the one way they could deal with him was if he was trapped in a tiny room by himself. Good job, dudes. You're so manly.
- "Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…" I rolled my eyes. I was pleased to discover that this reaction, at least, was pain-free. I decided to change the subject."
Jeebus, Bella for ONCE think about yourself and not how your goddamn creepy fucktard controlling monster fucking fucking FUCK of a boyfriend feels.
Aaah feels good to get that off my chest. I hate this guy SO MUCH.
[Oh, the rage...]
-Uh-huh. So the story they'll tell her parents is that Bella drove out to see the Cullens, and then she fell down the stairs. They'll believe this shit? What kind of parents are these?
-"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again."
Jesus Christ on a cracker.
-"Friday?" I was shocked. I tried to remember what day it had been when… but I didn't want to think about that."
That means Poop couldn't be bothered to think of something. Hilarious.
-Mom comes in, they chatter mindlessly. Apparently Mom thinks Bella wants to move back in with her which, HA! Poor, poor Mom. You rasied a spoiled, entitled little brat who is so utterly dependent on her boyfriend that she can't take two steps without him. There's no way she's going anywhere with you.
-"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…"
WELL, THAT'S OK THEN. Let's not forget that she also got seriously hurt while being with him and she doesn't have any other friends and she's freakishly dependent on him...jeebus, with a mother like that, no wonder Bella is so monumentally stupid. It's like, you look at Dina Lohan and you understand exactly why Lindsay Lohan turned out the way she did.
-Blahblah, Eddie's all "I should leave you" and didn't we go through all this before? yes we did. At painful, agonizing length. You're too horny, Eddie, and she's too stupid. Therefore, you'll stick around each other like poisonous leeches. The end.
- "Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice."
This girl is freaking me out. And after she KNOWS she can be hurt by him AND his kind. DO YOU SEE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?! Poop has some massive issues, people. Hey girls, throw yourselves at your boyfriend who almost just got you killed, because helplessness is so attractive, and crying and sobbing is the way to keep 'em!
- "Do you swear you won't leave me?" I whispered. I tried to control the gasping, at least. My ribs were throbbing."
Good God this girl has serious psychological problems, doesn't she? Goooood lord!
-"Why did you say that?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"
-Edward is finally making a good point about how this is all his fault and YES YES IT IS HIS FAULT. But Bella's all "no it's all me" and blah blah don't ever feel guilty about how hurt I get!
Those two fucking deserve each other. I guess that's one good thing about this horrible couple: they won't go infect the world with their horribleness once they have each other. It's pretty much how I feel about most celebrity couples.
-"He heard the change in my tone. His eyes tightened. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," he added roughly."
Oh, well that's just fucking fabulous and SOOOOOOOO romantic, isn't it? Ugh, Edward's such a pansy. Man up and move to Paris and get you some french hookers or something. Be the stereotypical man for once!
- He doesn't promise he'll never leave. Snerk. Thus, Poop sets up the entire plot of the next book, by the way.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Bitch, PLEASE. You're Jimmy fucking Olsen. You're the shit stain on the bottom of Superman's shoes. Also how is Eddie anywhere near...just...I'll stop. That statement is too fucking stupid to pay too much attention to.
-Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire, whee.
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." I was getting better at this. It was easy to admit how much I needed him."
I.E: "Fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck those people who seem to care about me for some reason. The fuck do they matter? I Want to be with my pretty boy friend." This chick, honestly.
-*snerk* she basically says she doesn't give a shit about them. They're gonna die anyway, right?
-"I glared at him. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."
NOOOOOOOOO NOT OLD OHMYGAWD.
-Christ, Eddie, you know what? she will NEVER stop whining about this. EVER. Just fucking turn her already so we can get it over with?
- "Alice already saw it, didn't she?" I guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."
HAHAHAHA NICE. Also notice how Poop just told us how the series ends. No need to even read the rest of the books. Oh, Poop. You are a marvel of incompetence.
-"I will," he promised. His voice was beautiful, like a lullaby. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."
Blargh.
But you know, aside from Mom and Dad, whom Bella clearly Doesn't give a shit about, what's so bad about becoming a vampire, specially with these hippie sparkly jackasses? as I've said before: NOTHING AT ALL. She'll have all eternity to learn and whatever, she won't gain weight from eating, she won't have to worry about money, ever, she'll be with her stupid pretty boyfriend and she'll be covered in body jewelry. But no, we have to make it a dumbass conflict for no reason at all. FAIL.
AND I HAVE REACHED THE EPILOGUE. HALLELUJAH.
Final Impression: Wrong on so many levels.
Final "Pretty" Count: 45
Final Grade: Fuck this, I'm making myself a sandwich.
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