Torn.

I'm wondering if it's always going to be like this.

I've spent all year in Dallas wanting to visit Honduras for at least a little while. To see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room to read during sunset, to enjoy my family and eat some tortillas.

And now I've done it, and I spent far too much time wishing I was back in Texas; with my husband, my bed, my own place, my own food.

Now it's time to leave Honduras again--and I don't want to. Because I won't get to see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room and read during sunset, won't get to see my family again for another, too-long while.

I suppose it'll never really go away, this feeling of being divided between two places I call home. I'm thinking that my sense of Dallas as 'home' will grow stronger over time; but I'll never get over missing this beautiful house, this crazy family.

And I'm getting tired of saying goodbye to my family. Too much crying.

I guess for now, it's still a little heartbreaking every time I leave one place for the other. And that's alright, because I don't ever want to lose the ties I have to this place.

I guess that's what growing up is all about.

uuugh.

Just a quick post to check in, though I really should write a longer account of the holidays but I'm beyond exhausted right now and don't think I can manage much.

So: we had a wonderful Christmas with lots of presents and food and games at my in-laws' house, though we got there a couple of days later than we had planned because the car crapped out. Then it finished crapping out on Sunday: the day we were supposed to get back home. Awesome. Specially because our anniversary was today.

It...wasn't very good, but I cried enough about it today that it's really all a blur. The entire day was spent thus: MrFig and his dad (who was just awesome) trying to fix the car, me in the guest house watching bad TV and napping (and yeah, crying at one point because feh, I had to), MrFig's mom cooking delicious lunch for us all, and everyone just being anxious because we needed to get back home today. So on and so forth, until 6pm.

And finally, we came home. We borrowed MrFig's brother's car (huzzah for great in-laws!) and got in at about 11pm. I rested for a bit and packed, showered and got on the computer while poor MrFig slept a little bit.

So went our first anniversary. It's a good thing that neither one of us is really crazy about celebrating these things with big shindigs, but we had been planning for at least a fancy dinner out and some champagne and our wedding cake (eew). But, well, things just don't work out sometimes. We'll celebrate properly when I get back from Honduras (January 12th), and really, at this point? I'm just glad to be home.

Now I wait an hour and a half or so before we have to drive to the airport in 40 degree weather. I check in, fly to Houston, wait for an hour, fly to Honduras where it'll be a nice and balmy 80 degrees. I can't wait to see everyone: a year is way too long for me to be away from home.

I can't wait to see my dogs.

I'll try and check in as soon as I get in, though it might get dicey what with me not taking my laptop this time. It might be a huge mistake, but the thing is bulky and the power chord is broken so I couldn't even take it anywhere. I'm taking my crappy iPod Touch (it's used and the buttons are just totally wonky) and hope it'll keep me entertained. Whenever it doesn't, I'll steal my mom's computer. Bwah.

I'm so tired I feel a little dizzy. I think I'll have a Dr Pepper.

So, catch you all on the flipside. Send good travel vibes.

Onwards!

Well, I'm back.

I'm both miserable and excited to be back home. Miserable because of the obvious, but excited for a lot of reasons. Like this might really be IT, this might be the last time I'm home for good before I move to my new home. The rest of my life, if you will. I don't want to jinx anything by even mentioning wedding dates or anything (and god knows we need all the help we can to get the visa people to not hate us anymore) but we might just have a tentative date and other plans. A lot is hanging on the balance for the wedding, but we might just be getting there before the year is out.

I'm also looking forward to having my own room again, and just enjoying these last few months of being by myself. Of course, it sucks to not have Graham here with me, but if I don't look at some positive side of this I'll just go completely out of my mind, so. I'm going to do a lot of crazy baking, and I'm going to get my financial stuff together, and try not to be too anxious about everything. Or miserable about not being where I want to be.

The first few days apart are really the hardest. It's the sudden realization that that other person is no longer THERE, that I'll no longer see him when he returns home from work, that he won't be the first thing I see in the morning. And I won't lie, it fucking SUCKS. I won't get into cheesy detail but it's miserable and horrible and I really really want to have to stop feeling that way. And just...god I'm just hoping this is the last time I'll have to do that. So there's that.

And I know it won't hurt so bad after a while. And the more days pass the closer I get to being there again. So, just a matter of getting through every day. And finding enough to do to get me through them.

Anyway. It was a fantastic trip. It was so good to be able to be over there again, and get away from the madness of this country (yay escapism) and just get to know my future home a little better.

And screw anyone who says anything to the contrary: Texas is awesome. There's so much more energy and well, just (excuse the stupid word but it's the only thing I can think of right now) FLAVOR than there was in the Northeast where I lived before. Of course I haven't gotten to really know it, but on first impression I can tell I'll like living there.

Also, Six Flags kicks all kinds of ass. And I found the perfect wedding dress. I can't freakin' wait.

And that's it for now. I have a lot of reviews coming up, and gotta do a lot of baking, and a lot of extra reading. There you go. That's my update.