Holy crap, I STILL haven't finished this? I could've sworn I had, because there's no other excuse for how long it's taken me to get to the final chapter of the monstrosity. Well, aside from the fact that work's been insane and I just haven't, you know, missed these assholes. But let's do it, so we can all move on with our lives and I can finally wash my hands off this damned thing.
Into the breach once more, dear friends! Sparkletard, activate!
CHAPTER 24: AN IMPASSE
(Look! I can use the dictionary to look up them fancy words!)
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 43
Quick and Hard Summary:
Just to bring us all up to speed: Bella fell into Eeeeeevil James' brain-crushingly stupid trap and was attacked in a ballet studio. Just after she'd been both beaten and bitten (yay, alliteration) she is saved by the Cullens, who arrive as she's passing out so we miss all the good stuff. Edward is forced to save her by sucking out the vampire poison that James infected her with (which would turn her into a vampire, which is what she really wants all along), and she is saved. Ta-daa. Caught up? OK, so in this one she wakes up in the hospital, where they make up some story for the doctors that is worthy of any battered woman in denial. It's really gross, even grosser is the horrible dependency that comes out of Bella. She talks to her mom, and it's pretty gross too. Everything is gross, but nothing is grosser than all the lovey-dovey talk these two asshole teenagers engage in near the end. Plus, there's an epilogue, which is just beyond laughable. Let's get to the meat in this shit sandwich.
--She wakes up. Dammit. she's in the hospital. her first words are "Edward" because JESUS WOMAN. ASK AFTER YOUR FUCKING FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THERAPY FOR YOUR SICKENING DEPENDENCY. FUCK.
[That's my angry voice. In case you couldn't tell. I find it hilarious that that's exactly what I wrote down when I was reading it. Not changing a word. Therapy, indeed.]
"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow."
Then she apologizes for what happened, which, great, good way to start.
-"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You have to admit, it could happen."
*snort* the sad thing is everyone would believe that story...as they would believe any story they concocted if Eddie hurt her, by the way. Creepy. "Oh, no that bruise isn't from Edward hugging me too hard! I ran into a door, honest!"
-He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile. "I must love you." "Don't I taste as good as I smell?" I smiled in response. That hurt my face.
"Even better — better than I'd imagined."
OK dude that's just disgusting. HE SUCKED YOUR FUCKING BLOOD YOU INFINITELY GIANT TWAT. I mean, just. *horf*. Also it's even weirder if you just think of the 'sucking blood' as, well, sex. Which is obviously what it's meant to be. Listen, girls! A good boyfriend will stop because he really loves you!
-"I'm sorry," I apologized. He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Of all the things to apologize for." "What should I apologize for?" "For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever." "I'm sorry," I apologized again."
HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU FUCKWIT. OK, so yes, you were a complete fucking idiot for falling into the trap, but the Cullens knew you're a fucking idiot and still they were dumber than you and let you get away. And they didn't kill James before, when it would've been so easy to do it. So I guess it's everyone's fault. But shut the fuck up, Bella. Stop doing everything your boyfriend says.
"Say you're a banana." "Yes, Edward. I'm a banana." "Good girl!"
[Note: When I saw this in my notes I wasn't sure if it was an actual quote or if I had written it. Tells you something about the quality of the Poop's writing, doesn't it? I mean, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if there was a line exactly like that in the book somewhere.]
-So Emmet and Jasper killed James, whatever. I guess they were so incompetent that the one way they could deal with him was if he was trapped in a tiny room by himself. Good job, dudes. You're so manly.
- "Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…" I rolled my eyes. I was pleased to discover that this reaction, at least, was pain-free. I decided to change the subject."
Jeebus, Bella for ONCE think about yourself and not how your goddamn creepy fucktard controlling monster fucking fucking FUCK of a boyfriend feels.
Aaah feels good to get that off my chest. I hate this guy SO MUCH.
[Oh, the rage...]
-Uh-huh. So the story they'll tell her parents is that Bella drove out to see the Cullens, and then she fell down the stairs. They'll believe this shit? What kind of parents are these?
-"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again."
Jesus Christ on a cracker.
-"Friday?" I was shocked. I tried to remember what day it had been when… but I didn't want to think about that."
That means Poop couldn't be bothered to think of something. Hilarious.
-Mom comes in, they chatter mindlessly. Apparently Mom thinks Bella wants to move back in with her which, HA! Poor, poor Mom. You rasied a spoiled, entitled little brat who is so utterly dependent on her boyfriend that she can't take two steps without him. There's no way she's going anywhere with you.
-"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…"
WELL, THAT'S OK THEN. Let's not forget that she also got seriously hurt while being with him and she doesn't have any other friends and she's freakishly dependent on him...jeebus, with a mother like that, no wonder Bella is so monumentally stupid. It's like, you look at Dina Lohan and you understand exactly why Lindsay Lohan turned out the way she did.
-Blahblah, Eddie's all "I should leave you" and didn't we go through all this before? yes we did. At painful, agonizing length. You're too horny, Eddie, and she's too stupid. Therefore, you'll stick around each other like poisonous leeches. The end.
- "Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice."
This girl is freaking me out. And after she KNOWS she can be hurt by him AND his kind. DO YOU SEE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?! Poop has some massive issues, people. Hey girls, throw yourselves at your boyfriend who almost just got you killed, because helplessness is so attractive, and crying and sobbing is the way to keep 'em!
- "Do you swear you won't leave me?" I whispered. I tried to control the gasping, at least. My ribs were throbbing."
Good God this girl has serious psychological problems, doesn't she? Goooood lord!
-"Why did you say that?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"
-Edward is finally making a good point about how this is all his fault and YES YES IT IS HIS FAULT. But Bella's all "no it's all me" and blah blah don't ever feel guilty about how hurt I get!
Those two fucking deserve each other. I guess that's one good thing about this horrible couple: they won't go infect the world with their horribleness once they have each other. It's pretty much how I feel about most celebrity couples.
-"He heard the change in my tone. His eyes tightened. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," he added roughly."
Oh, well that's just fucking fabulous and SOOOOOOOO romantic, isn't it? Ugh, Edward's such a pansy. Man up and move to Paris and get you some french hookers or something. Be the stereotypical man for once!
- He doesn't promise he'll never leave. Snerk. Thus, Poop sets up the entire plot of the next book, by the way.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Bitch, PLEASE. You're Jimmy fucking Olsen. You're the shit stain on the bottom of Superman's shoes. Also how is Eddie anywhere near...just...I'll stop. That statement is too fucking stupid to pay too much attention to.
-Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire, whee.
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." I was getting better at this. It was easy to admit how much I needed him."
I.E: "Fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck those people who seem to care about me for some reason. The fuck do they matter? I Want to be with my pretty boy friend." This chick, honestly.
-*snerk* she basically says she doesn't give a shit about them. They're gonna die anyway, right?
-"I glared at him. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."
NOOOOOOOOO NOT OLD OHMYGAWD.
-Christ, Eddie, you know what? she will NEVER stop whining about this. EVER. Just fucking turn her already so we can get it over with?
- "Alice already saw it, didn't she?" I guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."
HAHAHAHA NICE. Also notice how Poop just told us how the series ends. No need to even read the rest of the books. Oh, Poop. You are a marvel of incompetence.
-"I will," he promised. His voice was beautiful, like a lullaby. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."
But you know, aside from Mom and Dad, whom Bella clearly Doesn't give a shit about, what's so bad about becoming a vampire, specially with these hippie sparkly jackasses? as I've said before: NOTHING AT ALL. She'll have all eternity to learn and whatever, she won't gain weight from eating, she won't have to worry about money, ever, she'll be with her stupid pretty boyfriend and she'll be covered in body jewelry. But no, we have to make it a dumbass conflict for no reason at all. FAIL.
AND I HAVE REACHED THE EPILOGUE. HALLELUJAH.
Final Impression: Wrong on so many levels.
Final "Pretty" Count: 45
Final Grade: Fuck this, I'm making myself a sandwich.