9 days with no updates? What's wrong with me? How could I neglect it so?
Truth is I've just been having a life for the first time in two years. Have the job, which is good but makes me get home in a state of sheer exhaustion such that the very idea of posting something here makes me sleepier. And last weekend I went out with a ton of awesome Pajibans: Melody, Snuggiepants, Intern Rusty, Ian, GP, Smokin and Blonde_Savant. It was beyond fantastic, though of course it means nothing to you if you're not a Pajiban, though I wonder how many people who read this aren't.
Anyway, I need to finish The Pain and quick. Get it over with. I haven't read past chapter one of Breaking Dawn, but I promise I'll try to advance. That is, if anyone is even interested in more angry ramblings at what most people call the worst book of the series. Worse than Twilight. Good God. But I guess I'll give it a try once I settle my schedule at work and learn how to do things earlier in the day.
So let's finish this bitch. Mercy kill. The second-to-last chapter. It's a short one.
CHAPTER 23: THE ANGEL
[...who sucks people's blood to stay alive. Lovely.]
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 41
Quick n Hard Summary:
So James set up a retarded trap for Bella at the ballet studio, and she went there and got attacked after much monologuing on his part. She got thrown against some mirrors and passed out. And then the Cullens arrived and killed James. All this while Bella was passed out, so we don't get to read about ANY of it. Because of course the only possibly exciting stuff always happens offscreen. GOOD JOB, MEYER. Anyway. They see that James bit Bella, so she's been poisoned. Carlisle makes Edward drink her blood "to suck out the poison". Uh huh.
-She sorta wakes up.
"Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted. "Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror."
"The only heaven I wanted?" The fuck does that even mean? I hate Poop's pathetic attempts at being poetic more than anything else in this book.
-Wait, so...um, the Cullens have arrived and killed James most brutally in a fire--and this ALL HAPPENED WHILE BELLA WAS UNCONSCIOUS. What this means is that the ONLY REAL ACTION IN THE ENTIRE DAMNED BOOK happened off screen because our fucktarded protagonist WAS PASSED OUT. If you're gonna have the protagonist be the narrator, at least KEEP THEM AWAKE FOR WHEN SHIT HAPPENS. But noooooo instead she bores us to fucking death while TweedledeeSparks and TweedledeeKlutz stare at each other for 200 pages.
-"Yes, I wanted to say. Anything. But I couldn't find my lips."
Oh COME ON, Poop. I know you want to make the girl seem stupid, but COME ON. don't you mean her voice? HER LIPS? THE FUCK?
-"Carlisle!" the angel called, agony in his perfect voice. "Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" And the angel was sobbing tearless, broken sobs."
How is a voice "perfect"?
Well, at least she's consistent and doesn't have Eddie cry actual tears. Though, how totally sweet would it be if he were to cry tears of blood like they do on True Blood? HOW GORGEOUS WOULD HE LOOK THEN, BELLA?!
-Bella's all mangled. Eddie's all distraught and tearing at his beard and shit and I just DO NOT CARE. I want the bitch dead, Poop. Just kill her or make her a vampire already. Those are the only two ways in which she'd ever be interesting, and the vampirism is a stretch.
-"My hand is burning!" I screamed, finally breaking through the last of the darkness, my eyes fluttering open. I couldn't see his face, something dark and warm was clouding my eyes. Why couldn't they see the fire and put it out?"
Honestly, have you ever run across clunkier narration? It's so stilted and completely lacking in any kind of emotion, which is a rather amazing feat considering that it's a book told IN THE FIRST PERSON.
Also: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE IS ON FIRE BUT NOT REALLY AND SHE IS SCREAMING I AM BURNING AND I AM CRACKING UP BECAUSE THIS IS SO FUCKING DUMB HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA THE BEEES AAAAAAGH NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEES! WHY'D IT GET BURNED?!
The Cullens finally realize that James bit her. About three hours later, because they're all dumbasses. Whee!!! and remember how one bite apparently turns you into a vampire, which is like the stupidest fucking thing ever and I think Poop confused vampires with zombies, which is just like her and not surprising at all and it just makes her even dumber than I thought she could possibly be.
That's a lot of "which"s.
-And so, of course, the one solution (which, again, makes no sense at all but is just so fucking, monumentally stupid that it's perfect somehow) is for Eddie to 'suck out the poison'. Like James was a snake.
"Finally, I could see his perfect face, staring at me, twisted into a mask of indecision and pain."
I love how it's perfect and twisted at the same time. Because that makes perfect sense. Constipation face is kind on no one, Poop. HA. See what I did there? *rimshot*
-Eddie bites her and it hurts and whatever. This means Eddie's got a taste of her. I think it's like getting to first base for him. Probably the closest he's been to a girl, ever.
Though I guess he didn't bite her, just suck her blood, because biting causes sparklyness. She's saved. Much to our disgust.
-So I guess they burn James, and that is it.
-That's it for that chapter. That's it. A build up of 40 pages, and it all concludes with Bella passing out and waking up to Eddie rescuing her. It's the most pathetic, most brutally stupid and insipid 'climax' I have ever read in my life. It's painfully clear that Poop either didn't know how or just couldn't be bothered to write a real action scene. I'm guessing it's the first. She's not nearly talented enough to try, or to even contemplate writing an action sequence. So we have the narrator pass out, miss everything, and wake up to a conclusion that even the dumbest person could see coming a mile away. It's like falling asleep during the final climactic battle sequence and waking up when it's over, and suddenly everything is OK. What's the fun of reading that? Hell, what's the fun of writing it? Goddamn, that was weak. All so that we could have yet another grand savior moment brought about by everyone's stupidity.
Final Impression: Brutally stupid.
Final "Pretty" count: 43
One more chapter to go, guys. Just one more.