Friday, September 3, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 21

I'm sure you've all been dying to know what happened to Team Sparkletard, so let's get to it.

[Why do these chapters even have titles?]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40

Quick n Hard Summary:
So when we last left her, Bella was with Alice and Jasper and Phoenix, attempting to run away from James by...running to the only other place where anyone who was after Bella would guess she had gone off to. Because these "vampires" are morons. So now Alice has a vision about the living room of Bella's mom's house, which means that that's where James is going. James calls Bella and tells her to go to the ballet studio on her own. Because she thinks that James has her mom (who, remember, is pretty obviously out of town), Bella decides to ditch Jasper and Alice. Because she's a fucktard and can't smell a trap a mile away. At least it's short.

Real-Time Notes:
-I love how even in the middle of what could actually be called a plot (if you really want to stretch the definition to the breaking point) , Poop is still mind-numbingly boring. Bella sits in her room and mopes, basically.

-Alice draws something else and it's Bella's mom's living room, and they assume that that's where James is going. Now the big question here is supposed to be that Bella's mom is out of town, right? But Bella seems to believe that she could come back any second and be caught by James. Because calling her is completely out of the fucking question.

-She doesn't want anyone to get hurt but what does she expect them to do when Eddie's all gaga over her and would probably mope around forever if she died and never have sex again? Jasper tries to knock her out (hee) but fails.

-My notes are kinda muddled on this because of how little I cared about what I was reading, but we find out Edward's on a plane and Alice and Jasper are gonna go check out and then they'll all go to the airport. So Bella gets a call from her 'mom'. It's basically just her mom's voice going "BELLA! BELLA!" a couple of times and then James' voice interrupts. Bella goes into the other room. Apparently that works just fine to fool a couple of century-old vampires.

-"The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man's tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials."

....Are you fucking serious with this shit? THAT is your comparison? Really? That's fucking dumber than the time you said Edward looked like he was in a raincoat ad. The FUCK, Stephanie Meyer?! Fucking kill yourself.

-So James tells her to go to the ballet studio, or she'll kill her mom. He says not to call the police tell the vampires and get away from them somehow. So Bella falls for this spectacularly transparent trap and decides to run right into James' arms.


I can't even begin to count the ways in which this is fucking stupid and even contradictory even to what Meyer said about James being smart and wanting a challenge. Trapping Bella Swan is like luring a fat kid into a trap by offering him a donut if he comes along.

-God, she's dumb. Shouldn't she at least TELL them and make a plan? No, dumbass Bella (who KNOWS she's a dumbass) is a dumbass some more and doesn't tell them anything. Because, you know, there's no way that the Cullens could come up with a plan to trap the one guy. What, is James gonna know everything you're planning? Aren't these guys supposed to be all super fast and strong and shit?

You know, I think I'm 15 times dumber after reading that because, goddamn. Twilight makes you dumber, kids.

- Also you dumb bitch, why would James killing you (or biting you, anyway) make you not ever see Eddie again? Fucking idiot. Wouldn't it actually turn you into a vampire like you want to? Unless, of course he wants to totally kill you, which is frankly quite alright by me.

-Snerk. She writes a letter to eddie about how she loves him, blah blah, "don't come for me" (fucktard). He's so gonna listen to you! You know, because he's always respected all your decisions and shit!

-"And then I carefully sealed away my heart."


Final Impression: Barf.

Final Grade: Barf.

Pretty Count: Barf -40.

Christ that was terrible. Sorry guys, I couldn't even find funny photos for you. More tomorrow, I think. I was gonna do another one but... no. Enough!

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