We're so very close to the end, guys. Hang on with me, because it's definitely gonna be a rough ride. Brace yourselves.
CHAPTER 22: HIDE AND SEEK
(Hide the plot, seek, but never find it)
Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40
Quick n Hard Summary:
So Bella the Fuckwit has been fooled by James into think he has her mother. She has decided to run away from the only people in the world who could help her (even though they are fuckwits as well) and walk right into James' trap. Fuckwit, Jasper and Alice go to the airport to pick up Edward, and Bella manages to escape with the brilliant trick of...going the other way while pretending to go to the bathroom (no, really). She gets into a cab and goes home, where James tells her to go to the ballet studio, where of course he is, and we find out he tricked Bella by using a videotape of her mother calling her name. No, really. I'm not joking, guys. Quit giving me that look. James monologues for an eternity (because we need time for Eddie to get there) and finally attacks Bella. She passes out. Believe it or not, none of it is even remotely exciting, tense or interesting. Outstanding levels of mediocrity, Poop. Just outstanding.
-Bella hangs up the phone after talking to James, and walks back into the room with Alice, who proceeds to have another freakout. Bella is pretty sure Alice saw her getting killed, but Alice pretends that nothing's wrong. They go to the airport. I'm left confused with what the hell's the point of having someone who can see the future if they're completely useless about it?
Also Alice's power seems to be really iffy and based on people making decisions? I can't figure it out, but it makes no sense and no one gives a shit anyway. Point is that she's seen Bella make the decision to confront James on her own and...she'll do nothing about it. Why? Who cares? Bitch is as useful as 'gypsy' at the circus.
-"How does it work? The things that you see?" I stared out the side window, and my voice sounded bored. "Edward said it wasn't definite… that things change?" It was harder than I would have thought to say his name. That must have been what alerted Jasper, why a fresh wave of serenity filled the car."
Dude's like a freakin' Glade air freshener. Also, yet another 'power' that makes no sense at all. How would something like that even work? Manipulating your emotions through...what? Smell? random invisible rays?
-Alice says she only sees the course while people are on it--zzzzzzzz, get to putting bella in mortal danger already.
-God, this is retarded. Alice knows exactly what's gonna happen. So you know Eddie will read her mind, figures it all out, saves Bella just in time. Fuck this.
-They get to the airport and sit down to wait for Eddie for what feels like an eternity.
"It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming. That made it very hard."
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Haaaaa.
-Then Bella pretends like she wants to go to the bathroom and Jasper walks with her. And then thousand year old vampires are fooled by this fucktard going out the other exit of the bathroom. You've just been tricked by Bella Swan, Cullens. All of you should kill yourselves now.
-She runs. And runs some more. Gets into a cab. Remains stupid.
"How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and I would be in his marble arms, finally safe."
I wonder, how do you read something like that and not realize how incredibly awkward "marble arms" sounds? Not only is it awkward writing (and just sounds terrible); it's a highly unpleasant image. Wouldn't that hurt? And be cold and uncomfortable? Poop, you just suck in so many ways.
-"It wouldn't matter how long we had to hide. To be trapped in a hotel room with him would be a kind of heaven."
BARF. WE GET IT. I don't even remember why she's thinking this stuff, but again, it doesn't matter. She's on a cab or getting home or something.
-She gets to her house and talks to James on the phone again. Never does it occur to this shithead to, say, check the house for signs of habitation, or check the driveway for a car, or call her stepfather or CALL HER OWN MOTHER AND FIND OUT WHERE SHE IS. Gah. I think we need this again:
-So James - who, by the way, must be slightly disappointed that this was so damn easy- tells her to come to the ballet studio if she wants to save her mother.
-"I tripped several times, once falling, catching myself with my hands, scraping them on the
sidewalk, and then lurching up to plunge forward again."
-Finally gets to the damned ballet studio.
"Terror seized me so strongly that I was literally trapped by it. I couldn't make my feet move forward."
LITERALLY, huh? Also, this couldn't be less scary if there were ponies and daisies floating around.
-Uh-huh. So "clever" hunter James used a videotape to lure Bella into the studio. Because hse's so cunning and shit. He actually does the evil cackle and calls her stupid. JUST MOTHERFRAKKING EAT HER ALREADY. STOP MONOLOGUING.
-"And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
She'd never been terrified by the dark red eyes in the abnormally pale face before me."
One: You could have found that out by calling her, you insufferable shithead.
Two: Oh, so Eddie's an Adonis but James is abnormal? Freak.
Three: EAT HER ALREADY.
-Bella seems to realize that not all vampires are gorgeous. It was just that Carlisle was a bit of a freak and wanted a bunch of models for a family.
-"Just the white skin, the circled eyes I'd grown so used to. He wore a pale blue, long-sleeved shirt and faded blue jeans."
Wait, so "used" to ?! YOU HAVE SEEN HIM TWICE. Also, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT HE'S WEARING?!
-James, as eveyr pathetic villain in the history of ever, monologues on and on and on and fucking on and I don't give a shit because he's not killing Bella fast enough. All he's doing is giving Eddie and the Sparkly Bunch time to find Bella--because they all know where she was going. James? YOU DESERVE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU FOR BEING A TWATWAFFLE.
-No joke, he monologues for three paragraphs, telling us exactly what we already know happened. Also, ha. Creep. He's gonna videotape the murder so he can send the tape to Eddie and have a giant game of hide and seek. So he's a psycho, but not smart enough to actually be interesting. You fail yet again, Poop.
-Sigh. So um, James tells us that he had run into Alice before, and wanted to eat her. But some dude saved her from the asylum where she was staying and turned her.
-"And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… She smelled even better than you do. Sorry — I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…"
Again with this shit. Bella the freakin Human Febreeze.
-She just stands there and HE DOESN'T EAT HER YET. JEEBUS.
-She tries to run, because she's stupid, and so:
"A crushing blow struck my chest — I felt myself flying backward, and then heard the crunch as my head bashed into the mirrors."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Obviously, I do not condone violence or violence against women, but this chick isn't a woman, or even human. She's an empty shell and a terrible creaiton, and I hate her, and it's about time someone beat the shit out of her. Not that she'll learn anything from it. Anyway.
-"Would you like to rethink your last request?" he asked pleasantly. His toe nudged my broken leg and I heard a piercing scream. With a shock, I realized it was mine."
Oh what a shitty Harlequin cliche: no one ever knows that...that...the screamer...IS THEM. Ugh. Also the charming, suave villain is so tired. Quit stealing everything from Diana Gabaldon, Poop.
-Blah, blah, he beats her up, she closes her eyes and I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW.
-And then the chapter ends, with not a single moment of true tension to come out of what was supposed to be the climax of the novel. I've never wanted to set a book on fire more.
Final Impression: Need I say it? It was the culmination of 500 pages of paper-thin plot and moronic characters, so it was terrible in every way imaginable. The big 'conflict' was resolved in three pages and some bad monologuing by a ridiculous villain straight out of the Failed Evil Overlord collection. A disgusting, embarrassing failure in every sense of the word.
Final Grade: I'll stop with this ranking, because what's the point?
"Pretty Count": 41, but only because Eddie's offscreen this whole time.