The Pain: Chapter 23

9 days with no updates? What's wrong with me? How could I neglect it so?

Truth is I've just been having a life for the first time in two years. Have the job, which is good but makes me get home in a state of sheer exhaustion such that the very idea of posting something here makes me sleepier. And last weekend I went out with a ton of awesome Pajibans: Melody, Snuggiepants, Intern Rusty, Ian, GP, Smokin and Blonde_Savant. It was beyond fantastic, though of course it means nothing to you if you're not a Pajiban, though I wonder how many people who read this aren't.

Anyway, I need to finish The Pain and quick. Get it over with. I haven't read past chapter one of Breaking Dawn, but I promise I'll try to advance. That is, if anyone is even interested in more angry ramblings at what most people call the worst book of the series. Worse than Twilight. Good God. But I guess I'll give it a try once I settle my schedule at work and learn how to do things earlier in the day.

So let's finish this bitch. Mercy kill. The second-to-last chapter. It's a short one.

*****

CHAPTER 23: THE ANGEL
[...who sucks people's blood to stay alive. Lovely.]


Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 41

Quick n Hard Summary:
So James set up a retarded trap for Bella at the ballet studio, and she went there and got attacked after much monologuing on his part. She got thrown against some mirrors and passed out. And then the Cullens arrived and killed James. All this while Bella was passed out, so we don't get to read about ANY of it. Because of course the only possibly exciting stuff always happens offscreen. GOOD JOB, MEYER. Anyway. They see that James bit Bella, so she's been poisoned. Carlisle makes Edward drink her blood "to suck out the poison". Uh huh.

Real-Time Notes:

-She sorta wakes up.

"Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted. "Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror."

"The only heaven I wanted?" The fuck does that even mean? I hate Poop's pathetic attempts at being poetic more than anything else in this book.

-Wait, so...um, the Cullens have arrived and killed James most brutally in a fire--and this ALL HAPPENED WHILE BELLA WAS UNCONSCIOUS. What this means is that the ONLY REAL ACTION IN THE ENTIRE DAMNED BOOK happened off screen because our fucktarded protagonist WAS PASSED OUT. If you're gonna have the protagonist be the narrator, at least KEEP THEM AWAKE FOR WHEN SHIT HAPPENS. But noooooo instead she bores us to fucking death while TweedledeeSparks and TweedledeeKlutz stare at each other for 200 pages.

-"Yes, I wanted to say. Anything. But I couldn't find my lips."

Oh COME ON, Poop. I know you want to make the girl seem stupid, but COME ON. don't you mean her voice? HER LIPS? THE FUCK?

I JUST BOUGHT MYSELF A NEW PAIR, TOO. GAWD.

42
-"Carlisle!" the angel called, agony in his perfect voice. "Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" And the angel was sobbing tearless, broken sobs."

How is a voice "perfect"?

Well, at least she's consistent and doesn't have Eddie cry actual tears. Though, how totally sweet would it be if he were to cry tears of blood like they do on True Blood? HOW GORGEOUS WOULD HE LOOK THEN, BELLA?!

-Bella's all mangled. Eddie's all distraught and tearing at his beard and shit and I just DO NOT CARE. I want the bitch dead, Poop. Just kill her or make her a vampire already. Those are the only two ways in which she'd ever be interesting, and the vampirism is a stretch.

-"My hand is burning!" I screamed, finally breaking through the last of the darkness, my eyes fluttering open. I couldn't see his face, something dark and warm was clouding my eyes. Why couldn't they see the fire and put it out?"

Honestly, have you ever run across clunkier narration? It's so stilted and completely lacking in any kind of emotion, which is a rather amazing feat considering that it's a book told IN THE FIRST PERSON.

Also: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE IS ON FIRE BUT NOT REALLY AND SHE IS SCREAMING I AM BURNING AND I AM CRACKING UP BECAUSE THIS IS SO FUCKING DUMB HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA THE BEEES AAAAAAGH NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEES! WHY'D IT GET BURNED?!

-*ahem*

The Cullens finally realize that James bit her. About three hours later, because they're all dumbasses. Whee!!! and remember how one bite apparently turns you into a vampire, which is like the stupidest fucking thing ever and I think Poop confused vampires with zombies, which is just like her and not surprising at all and it just makes her even dumber than I thought she could possibly be.

That's a lot of "which"s.

-And so, of course, the one solution (which, again, makes no sense at all but is just so fucking, monumentally stupid that it's perfect somehow) is for Eddie to 'suck out the poison'. Like James was a snake.

43
"Finally, I could see his perfect face, staring at me, twisted into a mask of indecision and pain."

I love how it's perfect and twisted at the same time. Because that makes perfect sense. Constipation face is kind on no one, Poop. HA. See what I did there? *rimshot*

-Eddie bites her and it hurts and whatever. This means Eddie's got a taste of her. I think it's like getting to first base for him. Probably the closest he's been to a girl, ever.

Though I guess he didn't bite her, just suck her blood, because biting causes sparklyness. She's saved. Much to our disgust.

-So I guess they burn James, and that is it.

-That's it for that chapter. That's it. A build up of 40 pages, and it all concludes with Bella passing out and waking up to Eddie rescuing her. It's the most pathetic, most brutally stupid and insipid 'climax' I have ever read in my life. It's painfully clear that Poop either didn't know how or just couldn't be bothered to write a real action scene. I'm guessing it's the first. She's not nearly talented enough to try, or to even contemplate writing an action sequence. So we have the narrator pass out, miss everything, and wake up to a conclusion that even the dumbest person could see coming a mile away. It's like falling asleep during the final climactic battle sequence and waking up when it's over, and suddenly everything is OK. What's the fun of reading that? Hell, what's the fun of writing it? Goddamn, that was weak. All so that we could have yet another grand savior moment brought about by everyone's stupidity.

Final Impression: Brutally stupid.

Final "Pretty" count: 43

One more chapter to go, guys. Just one more.

The Pain: Chapter 22

We're so very close to the end, guys. Hang on with me, because it's definitely gonna be a rough ride. Brace yourselves.

CHAPTER 22: HIDE AND SEEK
(Hide the plot, seek, but never find it)

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40

Quick n Hard Summary:
So Bella the Fuckwit has been fooled by James into think he has her mother. She has decided to run away from the only people in the world who could help her (even though they are fuckwits as well) and walk right into James' trap. Fuckwit, Jasper and Alice go to the airport to pick up Edward, and Bella manages to escape with the brilliant trick of...going the other way while pretending to go to the bathroom (no, really). She gets into a cab and goes home, where James tells her to go to the ballet studio, where of course he is, and we find out he tricked Bella by using a videotape of her mother calling her name. No, really. I'm not joking, guys. Quit giving me that look. James monologues for an eternity (because we need time for Eddie to get there) and finally attacks Bella. She passes out. Believe it or not, none of it is even remotely exciting, tense or interesting. Outstanding levels of mediocrity, Poop. Just outstanding.

Real-Time Notes:
-Bella hangs up the phone after talking to James, and walks back into the room with Alice, who proceeds to have another freakout. Bella is pretty sure Alice saw her getting killed, but Alice pretends that nothing's wrong. They go to the airport. I'm left confused with what the hell's the point of having someone who can see the future if they're completely useless about it?

Also Alice's power seems to be really iffy and based on people making decisions? I can't figure it out, but it makes no sense and no one gives a shit anyway. Point is that she's seen Bella make the decision to confront James on her own and...she'll do nothing about it. Why? Who cares? Bitch is as useful as 'gypsy' at the circus.

Or this.

-"How does it work? The things that you see?" I stared out the side window, and my voice sounded bored. "Edward said it wasn't definite… that things change?" It was harder than I would have thought to say his name. That must have been what alerted Jasper, why a fresh wave of serenity filled the car."

Dude's like a freakin' Glade air freshener. Also, yet another 'power' that makes no sense at all. How would something like that even work? Manipulating your emotions through...what? Smell? random invisible rays?

-Alice says she only sees the course while people are on it--zzzzzzzz, get to putting bella in mortal danger already.

-God, this is retarded. Alice knows exactly what's gonna happen. So you know Eddie will read her mind, figures it all out, saves Bella just in time. Fuck this.

-They get to the airport and sit down to wait for Eddie for what feels like an eternity.

"It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming. That made it very hard."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Haaaaa.

-Then Bella pretends like she wants to go to the bathroom and Jasper walks with her. And then thousand year old vampires are fooled by this fucktard going out the other exit of the bathroom. You've just been tricked by Bella Swan, Cullens. All of you should kill yourselves now.

-She runs. And runs some more. Gets into a cab. Remains stupid.

-41
"How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and I would be in his marble arms, finally safe."

I wonder, how do you read something like that and not realize how incredibly awkward "marble arms" sounds? Not only is it awkward writing (and just sounds terrible); it's a highly unpleasant image. Wouldn't that hurt? And be cold and uncomfortable? Poop, you just suck in so many ways.

-"It wouldn't matter how long we had to hide. To be trapped in a hotel room with him would be a kind of heaven."

BARF. WE GET IT. I don't even remember why she's thinking this stuff, but again, it doesn't matter. She's on a cab or getting home or something.

-She gets to her house and talks to James on the phone again. Never does it occur to this shithead to, say, check the house for signs of habitation, or check the driveway for a car, or call her stepfather or CALL HER OWN MOTHER AND FIND OUT WHERE SHE IS. Gah. I think we need this again:


-So James - who, by the way, must be slightly disappointed that this was so damn easy- tells her to come to the ballet studio if she wants to save her mother.

-"I tripped several times, once falling, catching myself with my hands, scraping them on the
sidewalk, and then lurching up to plunge forward again."

Seriously?

-Finally gets to the damned ballet studio.

"Terror seized me so strongly that I was literally trapped by it. I couldn't make my feet move forward."

LITERALLY, huh? Also, this couldn't be less scary if there were ponies and daisies floating around.

Ooooh, terrifying.

-Uh-huh. So "clever" hunter James used a videotape to lure Bella into the studio. Because hse's so cunning and shit. He actually does the evil cackle and calls her stupid. JUST MOTHERFRAKKING EAT HER ALREADY. STOP MONOLOGUING.

-"And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
She'd never been terrified by the dark red eyes in the abnormally pale face before me."

One: You could have found that out by calling her, you insufferable shithead.
Two: Oh, so Eddie's an Adonis but James is abnormal? Freak.
Three: EAT HER ALREADY.

-Bella seems to realize that not all vampires are gorgeous. It was just that Carlisle was a bit of a freak and wanted a bunch of models for a family.

-"Just the white skin, the circled eyes I'd grown so used to. He wore a pale blue, long-sleeved shirt and faded blue jeans."

Wait, so "used" to ?! YOU HAVE SEEN HIM TWICE. Also, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT HE'S WEARING?!

-James, as eveyr pathetic villain in the history of ever, monologues on and on and on and fucking on and I don't give a shit because he's not killing Bella fast enough. All he's doing is giving Eddie and the Sparkly Bunch time to find Bella--because they all know where she was going. James? YOU DESERVE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU FOR BEING A TWATWAFFLE.

-No joke, he monologues for three paragraphs, telling us exactly what we already know happened. Also, ha. Creep. He's gonna videotape the murder so he can send the tape to Eddie and have a giant game of hide and seek. So he's a psycho, but not smart enough to actually be interesting. You fail yet again, Poop.

-Sigh. So um, James tells us that he had run into Alice before, and wanted to eat her. But some dude saved her from the asylum where she was staying and turned her.

-"And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… She smelled even better than you do. Sorry — I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…"

Again with this shit. Bella the freakin Human Febreeze.

Bella Swan: Masks AND defeats unpleasant odors!

-She just stands there and HE DOESN'T EAT HER YET. JEEBUS.

-She tries to run, because she's stupid, and so:

"A crushing blow struck my chest — I felt myself flying backward, and then heard the crunch as my head bashed into the mirrors."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Obviously, I do not condone violence or violence against women, but this chick isn't a woman, or even human. She's an empty shell and a terrible creaiton, and I hate her, and it's about time someone beat the shit out of her. Not that she'll learn anything from it. Anyway.

-"Would you like to rethink your last request?" he asked pleasantly. His toe nudged my broken leg and I heard a piercing scream. With a shock, I realized it was mine."

Oh what a shitty Harlequin cliche: no one ever knows that...that...the screamer...IS THEM. Ugh. Also the charming, suave villain is so tired. Quit stealing everything from Diana Gabaldon, Poop.

-Blah, blah, he beats her up, she closes her eyes and I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW.

-And then the chapter ends, with not a single moment of true tension to come out of what was supposed to be the climax of the novel. I've never wanted to set a book on fire more.

Final Impression: Need I say it? It was the culmination of 500 pages of paper-thin plot and moronic characters, so it was terrible in every way imaginable. The big 'conflict' was resolved in three pages and some bad monologuing by a ridiculous villain straight out of the Failed Evil Overlord collection. A disgusting, embarrassing failure in every sense of the word.

Final Grade: I'll stop with this ranking, because what's the point?

"Pretty Count": 41, but only because Eddie's offscreen this whole time.

Update, on the Real World Front

....And yet again I've neglected this thing for too long. But I hope you'll understand: I have an actual job and a real life to deal with for the first time in two years, and it's taking some getting used to. Specifically, getting up at 5am to be at work by 7- I leave the house at 6 and take two buses and a train to get to work. The work itself is pretty good, I always keep busy and I'm getting along fine with everyone. It's exhausting, but I get off at 12 or 1 so I have the rest of the day to rest and the time goes by quickly. I won't get into too much detail here, so I'll just say it's easy, relatively mindless work but it's something, and what with the horrible job situation all over the place, I'm incredibly grateful just to have a job. So this was my first working 'week' (it was only three days) and hopefully it'll get easier as I go along. I know that I'll be incredibly happy to be earning some real money at last.

So that's the update on the real life side of things. Don't have much else going on, doing some artwork (almost finished with the one big project I'd set for myself for the summer) and working on my brother's wedding invitations, though I've been unable to work on that all week because of coming home from work too exhausted to care about painting. Also been working hard with Pajiba-- doing the Project Runway recaps has been incredibly fun but also exhausting. Writing an actual recap (instead of, you know, just shouting incoherently as I did here) is harder than I had thought it was. It's fun, but you have to really edit yourself and not end up babbling or recaping every single second of the show. But it's so much fun to write and read the comments, and I've been getting a good response. Good writing practice and thankfully the show is giving me enough good stuff to work with this season.

In case you missed them, here's the recap for Episode 5 and the one for Episode 6. They're full of spoilers, obviously. Next one goes up this Monday, so go and give us some more page views.

So I've had that, plus the EE and I have the Twilight recaps to write. Of course, no one's making me do the Twilight thing, but I feel bad that I haven't updated. I also haven't read past chapter 1 of Breaking Dawn, mostly because I'd completely forgotten about the damned thing. But I'll make up for it. And, now that I think about it, reading and writing in a state of mental and physical exhaustion might be just the perfect mood for dealing with such levels of crap. A mushy brain is all that that garbage deserves.

And that's that. Having a meet-up with some Pajibans next week that I'm ridiculously excited about. Then it's the week of my birthday and I really want some cake. Couple of weeks after that we're going down to visit the in-laws in Houston and it'll be a big party to celebrate 3 birthdays in the family. And the summer is finally over. I love September.

So stay tuned, I'll be posting the next chapter of Twilight in a few minutes. Exciting!

The Pain: Chapter 21

I'm sure you've all been dying to know what happened to Team Sparkletard, so let's get to it.

CHAPTER 21: PHONE CALL
[Why do these chapters even have titles?]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40

Quick n Hard Summary:
So when we last left her, Bella was with Alice and Jasper and Phoenix, attempting to run away from James by...running to the only other place where anyone who was after Bella would guess she had gone off to. Because these "vampires" are morons. So now Alice has a vision about the living room of Bella's mom's house, which means that that's where James is going. James calls Bella and tells her to go to the ballet studio on her own. Because she thinks that James has her mom (who, remember, is pretty obviously out of town), Bella decides to ditch Jasper and Alice. Because she's a fucktard and can't smell a trap a mile away. At least it's short.

Real-Time Notes:
-I love how even in the middle of what could actually be called a plot (if you really want to stretch the definition to the breaking point) , Poop is still mind-numbingly boring. Bella sits in her room and mopes, basically.

-Alice draws something else and it's Bella's mom's living room, and they assume that that's where James is going. Now the big question here is supposed to be that Bella's mom is out of town, right? But Bella seems to believe that she could come back any second and be caught by James. Because calling her is completely out of the fucking question.

-She doesn't want anyone to get hurt but what does she expect them to do when Eddie's all gaga over her and would probably mope around forever if she died and never have sex again? Jasper tries to knock her out (hee) but fails.

-My notes are kinda muddled on this because of how little I cared about what I was reading, but we find out Edward's on a plane and Alice and Jasper are gonna go check out and then they'll all go to the airport. So Bella gets a call from her 'mom'. It's basically just her mom's voice going "BELLA! BELLA!" a couple of times and then James' voice interrupts. Bella goes into the other room. Apparently that works just fine to fool a couple of century-old vampires.

-"The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man's tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials."

....Are you fucking serious with this shit? THAT is your comparison? Really? That's fucking dumber than the time you said Edward looked like he was in a raincoat ad. The FUCK, Stephanie Meyer?! Fucking kill yourself.

-So James tells her to go to the ballet studio, or she'll kill her mom. He says not to call the police tell the vampires and get away from them somehow. So Bella falls for this spectacularly transparent trap and decides to run right into James' arms.

*sigh*

I can't even begin to count the ways in which this is fucking stupid and even contradictory even to what Meyer said about James being smart and wanting a challenge. Trapping Bella Swan is like luring a fat kid into a trap by offering him a donut if he comes along.

-God, she's dumb. Shouldn't she at least TELL them and make a plan? No, dumbass Bella (who KNOWS she's a dumbass) is a dumbass some more and doesn't tell them anything. Because, you know, there's no way that the Cullens could come up with a plan to trap the one guy. What, is James gonna know everything you're planning? Aren't these guys supposed to be all super fast and strong and shit?

You know, I think I'm 15 times dumber after reading that because, goddamn. Twilight makes you dumber, kids.

- Also you dumb bitch, why would James killing you (or biting you, anyway) make you not ever see Eddie again? Fucking idiot. Wouldn't it actually turn you into a vampire like you want to? Unless, of course he wants to totally kill you, which is frankly quite alright by me.

-Snerk. She writes a letter to eddie about how she loves him, blah blah, "don't come for me" (fucktard). He's so gonna listen to you! You know, because he's always respected all your decisions and shit!

-"And then I carefully sealed away my heart."

BARF. THIS WILL NEVER END.

Final Impression: Barf.

Final Grade: Barf.

Pretty Count: Barf -40.

Christ that was terrible. Sorry guys, I couldn't even find funny photos for you. More tomorrow, I think. I was gonna do another one but... no. Enough!

Woop woop!

Gah, sorry about not updating with Pain, but I've been a bit busy

GETTING A JOB.

Woop woop! read that right!

It's only a part-time job, retail, early mornings. So I'll be quite exhausted for the first few...months as I get used to not going to bed at midnight anymore. And not sleeping til 10. Anyway, it's not a glamorous job or anything, but I'm super excited to start being a productive member of society (bwah) and earning some extra moneys and finally getting out of the house.

Woop woop! We'll be back in business shortly. Don't forget to read the Project Runway recaps at Pajiba!