Oh, I feel awful today. Just completely in hide-under-the-covers-and-ignore-the-world-everyone-fuck-off mode. Everything is pissing me off, I want to talk to no one at all, and just...I'm even mad at myself for being so whiny. But there you go.
And of course, today is my sister's birthday, which just means the house is even more full of people than it normally is. People who (God forbid!) want to keep talking to me and asking me to do things. The nerve! Listen, I know I sound ridiculous and awful, but today is just a stabby day. Everything is agaisnt me today. It's either hormones or the heat or the lack of sleep or all three, but jeebus, I want to stab someone today. It's days like these when I wish I lived in a little hut in the middle of nowhere and didn't have to deal with people.
Ah, well. Life in general is just one big pile of suck right now. For the most part, I've been alright with where I am at the moment. The waiting, the spending days waiting to hear anything, the nothingness. Things could be worse. But lately, it's just been eating away at me. It's been 6 months--the most time one is supposed to wait for an application approval. And another week ended without hearing a damned thing. I've been pretty good at waiting but how much fucking longer? There are honestly days when I just feel like I'm going to burst from the impatience, from the frustration of having my life on hold and not being able to plan anything in the future. It's the worst part of everything--not being able to plan for a damned thing. People all around me are making life changes, getting to universities, moving places--getting married. Heh. And really, I swear I'm alright with everything and I stick to my mantra of 'things will happen when they'll happen' but...for fuck's sake, some days that just won't stick. Some days (like today) it's too much.
Great, now I'm trying to keep myself from crying out of sheer fucking frustration. It's practically JUNE for fuck's sake! I quit my job because I didn't expect to still be here in JUNE. It's Graham's birthday next week and I was so sure--HA--six months ago that I'd be with him for his next birthday but? nope. Haha! not yet for you! You win another week of being completely fucking miserable!
Christ, listen to me. I need to stop before it gets much worse. Do you see why today isn't a good day for me to be around people? I should just get into a corner with a sheet over my head with a sign that says "I AM NOT AVAILABLE TODAY".
Just. Argh. I didn't mean for this to be a whinefest of a journal but fuck it- I need it today. And I feel slightly better now.
So I'm going to go take one hell of a long shower and wish for everyone to go away somewhere for a couple of hours. I can't deal. Not today.
And maybe later I'll post some photos of hot men. That's always good therapy.