I'm going to come right out and say this at the very start, so as to leave no doubt in the matter: I hated this book. Hated it. It took all of my willpower to make myself finish it, to keep myself from throwing the book at the corner out of sheer frustration.
I don't know if the Paulo Coelho mania is a phenomenon outside of Honduras. If it isn't, then lucky you. But in recent years here he's become the go-to author immediately named by people who have never read more than two books in their lives when they're asked who their favorite authors are. Go to any local bookstore and you're likely to find not only shelves full of his books, but shelves devoted to books of Paulo Coelho quotes.. I picked up a copy of "The Alchemist" a couple of years ago, and couldn't make it past the first three pages of cheesy, bizarre writing, and I had given up on him until I decided to try another of his books in the spirit of the Cannonball Read. I received 'The Witch of Portobello' as a gift, and it's a good thing I can't remember who gave it to me, as I'd probably use it to hit that person on the head. Repeatedly.
The titular 'witch' is a woman named Sherine Khalil, who later dubs herself "Athena", a rather bold move that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this detestable woman. We hear her story through a series of 'interviews' someone has gathered after she has been found brutally murdered. This is pointed out in the first pages of the book, and we spend the rest of it hearing from people who met Athena and were affected by her in her personal quest for spirituality.
Sherine was born in Rumania but was adopted by a couple of rich Lebanese parents. As she grows older, Sherine, or as she decides to call herself, Athena, becomes a restless, confused woman seeking for answers and for a meaning in her life. She has a series of meaningless relationships before she meets up with her birth mother, a Rumanian gypsy, who lets her in to a world of rituals, dances, and quests to reach the spirit of the "Great Mother". You have no idea how I cringed every time I read those two words.
The plot is flimsy at best, serving only as an excuse for Coelho to expound on the virtues of some bizarre New Age/ Wiccan beliefs that only seem to turn Athena into an insufferable pedant we're supposed to believe is charming and alluring. So we're forced as readers to not only get through painfully long treatises on 'the true meaning of love' and 'reaching for your center' but to get to know a truly annoying and ridiculous main character who speaks in riddles that we're supposed to think are profound and spiritual, but only sound pretentious and ridiculous. Athena is one of the most insufferable characters I've ever read about, and the rest of the characters gravitate around her for reasons I couldn't even come close to understanding. I can only suppose that because every single supporting character is clichéd and incredibly boring, they had nothing better to do than to listen to someone as horrible as Athena as she constantly mocks them or belittles them, thinking herself somehow above the rest of the mortals. I never understood what the hell was the big deal about her, or why Coelho seems to adore her completely.
The dialogue is horrible and hokey, and I can only blame part of this on a really bad translation. "Love just is", one character says, and I could only roll my eyes at the page. And there's countless other little quips of wisdom throughout the book, and I'd quote some here but for the fact that I never want to open this book again. Trust me, it's painful.
To cap it all off, the book ends with a pathetic 'twist' that finally made me throw the book across the room. Thankfully I was finished by then.
I honestly can't begin to fathom who the intended audience for this book is. My best guess is rich bores with nothing to do but follow some ridiculous quest into paganism because they're bored with the rest of the world and need to feel closer to the rabble. Or perhaps die-hard fans of Paulo Coelho of the type I've met, who are just pretentious enough to spout off Coelho quotes like they're some sort of wisdom. I don't know. All I do for sure is that it was a torturous read, needlessly long and terribly annoying. It took me almost a whole month to get through it, and I can only look on the experience with disgust.
The only good thing I can gather from it is that at least now I know that I'll never pick up another Paulo Coelho book for as long as I live.
Showing posts with label suck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suck. Show all posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A very long, very angry post about TV...
What's happened to TV?
Why am I suddenly so angry at it?
Several reasons come to mind.
1. ANTM is over for another season. The finale was pretty lame, as I was forced to admit when they replayed it on the weekend. Did anyone really think Samantha had any chance at all of winning? Nope. She wasn't special enough for Tyra. She was very, very bland and boring, and McKey (who is a horrible hunched-up runway walker) completely overshadowed her with her huge smile and awesome photos.
That runway? What the hell, Mr Jay? What new brand of absynthe-laced Tang were you drinking this week? Not only did the over-long and ridiculous pink runway make it obvious that the "show" had an audience of about 20 people, but it also made every model walking look ridiculous as they tried to run up a pink hill in those hideous dresses. Even Whitney looked embarrassed to be there, and that chick will do anything. It was a horrible show, and both the girls did really horribly bad on it. I loved how the runway was hardly even discussed at panel.
It was a big let down. McKey clearly had the better photos, but she wasn't a very exciting participant. That being said, I think for the first time a winner might have a chance of actually having a good career. It's just a matter of fixing that stupid makeover Tyra imposed on her. I wonder if she'll change her name back?
Anyway, now that it's over, my Wednesdays will be deadfests. I am glad I never got too attached to Pushing Daisies, as it had 'cancelation' written all over its cute, quirky self. Network TV audiences just don't do quirky, people. That show really had no chance at all.
2. There is absolutely nothing to watch on Tuesdays. I can't stand to watch five minutes of 'House' these days. Hey, look! House is being a dick and he has a mystery patient! No way! that's so new and exciting!
Or not. Oh, tonight ABC is showing A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, my second favorite holiday movie of all time (the first is their Christmas special), so for once I won't hate Tuesday night TV.
3. I am done with Heroes. Completely, absolutely, irreversibly done with it. I have packed my bags, slammed the door, taken the dog and driven away from Heroes. That bitch had better not call me again, or so help me.
I tried giving it a chance to win me back after the disastrous second season. After all, Lost proved to me that you CAN make a comeback from the lowest pits of TV hell, so maybe Heroes could do it as well.
But, after 10 episodes of only mildly interesting moments surrounded by hours and hours of horrible writing and meandering, useless plots, Heroes has outlived its second welcome, and has now been kicked out of my house. How much do I hate it now? Let me count the ways:
1. All the characters are horrible. No exceptions. They spend half the time whining about their powers, or about each other, or about how hard their lives are. If I wanted to watch people with superpowers go emo all over the damn place, I'd watch Smallville or Spiderman. I hate them all. I'd give Claire a pass, but she's surrounded by such large amounts of suck that I can't take it.
2. It is beyond me how a group of writers can make a show about people with some pretty awesome super powers so damn BORING and pointless.
3. The relationships are painful to watch, all of them. Are we really supposed to believe that all these couplings MEAN anything, when the show has given us nothing but some really bad, cheesy dialogue to tell us that these people like each other?
4. All of the women on this show are cheesy, horribly drawn characters that make me want to punch them in the face. All of them. There isn't a single redeeming female character on this show. Even Claire, who is the only person on this show who seems to THINK about herself and others, has been increasingly whiny and pathetic, begging for some male character to come redeem her. Every other character is a double-faced, insipid, irrational cliche who spouts off bad dialogue while trying to seduce one of the male characters. Complete fail.
5. The overarching plot is so convoluted that even the writers themselves seem to be confused. Subplots and characters are completely forgotten and turned aside, and the show keeps stepping on its own history and mythology. And if the writers themselves can't get this shit figured out, who can? Or who will care enough to try?
6. There are still too many characters. And they're all equally annoying. The worse thing is that the writers feel the need to give them all their own little subplots and stupid quests, which get drawn out for episodes only to come to unsatisfying and often enraging conclusions.
7. Bad acting. Oh good lord. If I have to watch Milo Ventimiglia try to look troubled (or angry, or worried, or sad, or whatever) by frowing and waving his hands a lot any more, I will punch the TV. And I like my TV.
8. All these people do is talk and talk, and whine, and whine some more, about what they want to do, or who they are, or what they did wrong two episodes ago. For the love of everything holy: either DO something about it or shut the hell up and get out of the show.
9. All the fake-outs about possible deaths or people coming back from the dead. When you don't care about a character, you're not going to care about whether they live or die. Even more when you know they'll probably come back to suck some more.
10. This show is going nowhere. There will be more walking and talking and whining, and no action until the big battle that will decide nothing because these characters will never, ever change.
Phew. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on that long. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I became at this show. It had SO MUCH potential. Superheroes! pretty people! A really great budget that allowed for awesome visuals!
But no, what do we get? Hiro with the mind of a 10 year old (which is different from regular Hiro how?) chucking corn at Matt Parkman in a Kansas field while he emotes about some stupid girl we're supposed to believe he's in love with.
I was so angry I got up and turned the television off on Matt's face. It felt damn good to do that.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, why TV sucks these days. Well, that's my list, really. Loss of ANTM, nothing to watch on Tuesdays, and Heroes sucking. All that leaves me with is all the good shows playing on Thursdays, and with no DVR it's impossible to watch them all.
The Office is a bit annoying these days, but I still love it. The supporting characters are better than ever, and we're drawing close to some potentially great episodes.
30 Rock is my new love. It's funnier than the Office, and satisfies my craving for the absurd and hilarious. I want Tina Fey to be my best friend, you guys.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a recent discovery (to me) that often has me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Why hadn't I watched this show before? It's crude and often disgusting, but outrageously funny as well. A new favorite.
*****
So there is hope yet. I can't wait for Lost to come back so I will have a good drama to watch. Because other than Heroes, there are no other dramatic shows that I'm into. That's pretty sad.
That's the end of this week's TV Rant. I'm sorry it was so long. But I am angry. If I could, I'd put in a squiggly, angry-eyebrowed stickman into this.
I think I need a cookie.
Why am I suddenly so angry at it?
Several reasons come to mind.
1. ANTM is over for another season. The finale was pretty lame, as I was forced to admit when they replayed it on the weekend. Did anyone really think Samantha had any chance at all of winning? Nope. She wasn't special enough for Tyra. She was very, very bland and boring, and McKey (who is a horrible hunched-up runway walker) completely overshadowed her with her huge smile and awesome photos.
That runway? What the hell, Mr Jay? What new brand of absynthe-laced Tang were you drinking this week? Not only did the over-long and ridiculous pink runway make it obvious that the "show" had an audience of about 20 people, but it also made every model walking look ridiculous as they tried to run up a pink hill in those hideous dresses. Even Whitney looked embarrassed to be there, and that chick will do anything. It was a horrible show, and both the girls did really horribly bad on it. I loved how the runway was hardly even discussed at panel.
It was a big let down. McKey clearly had the better photos, but she wasn't a very exciting participant. That being said, I think for the first time a winner might have a chance of actually having a good career. It's just a matter of fixing that stupid makeover Tyra imposed on her. I wonder if she'll change her name back?
Anyway, now that it's over, my Wednesdays will be deadfests. I am glad I never got too attached to Pushing Daisies, as it had 'cancelation' written all over its cute, quirky self. Network TV audiences just don't do quirky, people. That show really had no chance at all.
2. There is absolutely nothing to watch on Tuesdays. I can't stand to watch five minutes of 'House' these days. Hey, look! House is being a dick and he has a mystery patient! No way! that's so new and exciting!
Or not. Oh, tonight ABC is showing A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, my second favorite holiday movie of all time (the first is their Christmas special), so for once I won't hate Tuesday night TV.
3. I am done with Heroes. Completely, absolutely, irreversibly done with it. I have packed my bags, slammed the door, taken the dog and driven away from Heroes. That bitch had better not call me again, or so help me.
I tried giving it a chance to win me back after the disastrous second season. After all, Lost proved to me that you CAN make a comeback from the lowest pits of TV hell, so maybe Heroes could do it as well.
But, after 10 episodes of only mildly interesting moments surrounded by hours and hours of horrible writing and meandering, useless plots, Heroes has outlived its second welcome, and has now been kicked out of my house. How much do I hate it now? Let me count the ways:
1. All the characters are horrible. No exceptions. They spend half the time whining about their powers, or about each other, or about how hard their lives are. If I wanted to watch people with superpowers go emo all over the damn place, I'd watch Smallville or Spiderman. I hate them all. I'd give Claire a pass, but she's surrounded by such large amounts of suck that I can't take it.
2. It is beyond me how a group of writers can make a show about people with some pretty awesome super powers so damn BORING and pointless.
3. The relationships are painful to watch, all of them. Are we really supposed to believe that all these couplings MEAN anything, when the show has given us nothing but some really bad, cheesy dialogue to tell us that these people like each other?
4. All of the women on this show are cheesy, horribly drawn characters that make me want to punch them in the face. All of them. There isn't a single redeeming female character on this show. Even Claire, who is the only person on this show who seems to THINK about herself and others, has been increasingly whiny and pathetic, begging for some male character to come redeem her. Every other character is a double-faced, insipid, irrational cliche who spouts off bad dialogue while trying to seduce one of the male characters. Complete fail.
5. The overarching plot is so convoluted that even the writers themselves seem to be confused. Subplots and characters are completely forgotten and turned aside, and the show keeps stepping on its own history and mythology. And if the writers themselves can't get this shit figured out, who can? Or who will care enough to try?
6. There are still too many characters. And they're all equally annoying. The worse thing is that the writers feel the need to give them all their own little subplots and stupid quests, which get drawn out for episodes only to come to unsatisfying and often enraging conclusions.
7. Bad acting. Oh good lord. If I have to watch Milo Ventimiglia try to look troubled (or angry, or worried, or sad, or whatever) by frowing and waving his hands a lot any more, I will punch the TV. And I like my TV.
8. All these people do is talk and talk, and whine, and whine some more, about what they want to do, or who they are, or what they did wrong two episodes ago. For the love of everything holy: either DO something about it or shut the hell up and get out of the show.
9. All the fake-outs about possible deaths or people coming back from the dead. When you don't care about a character, you're not going to care about whether they live or die. Even more when you know they'll probably come back to suck some more.
10. This show is going nowhere. There will be more walking and talking and whining, and no action until the big battle that will decide nothing because these characters will never, ever change.
Phew. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on that long. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I became at this show. It had SO MUCH potential. Superheroes! pretty people! A really great budget that allowed for awesome visuals!
But no, what do we get? Hiro with the mind of a 10 year old (which is different from regular Hiro how?) chucking corn at Matt Parkman in a Kansas field while he emotes about some stupid girl we're supposed to believe he's in love with.
I was so angry I got up and turned the television off on Matt's face. It felt damn good to do that.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, why TV sucks these days. Well, that's my list, really. Loss of ANTM, nothing to watch on Tuesdays, and Heroes sucking. All that leaves me with is all the good shows playing on Thursdays, and with no DVR it's impossible to watch them all.
The Office is a bit annoying these days, but I still love it. The supporting characters are better than ever, and we're drawing close to some potentially great episodes.
30 Rock is my new love. It's funnier than the Office, and satisfies my craving for the absurd and hilarious. I want Tina Fey to be my best friend, you guys.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a recent discovery (to me) that often has me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Why hadn't I watched this show before? It's crude and often disgusting, but outrageously funny as well. A new favorite.
*****
So there is hope yet. I can't wait for Lost to come back so I will have a good drama to watch. Because other than Heroes, there are no other dramatic shows that I'm into. That's pretty sad.
That's the end of this week's TV Rant. I'm sorry it was so long. But I am angry. If I could, I'd put in a squiggly, angry-eyebrowed stickman into this.
I think I need a cookie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
