A Gut Reaction

Book #3: "An Impossible Attraction" by Brenda Joyce

2012-01-28T10:50:00.004-06:00

Godtopus bless the Romance novel.

Because after all that depressing, deep reading, sometimes you just need something mindless and fluffy to cleanse your pallet, you know? And when that mindless fluff just happens to be 99 cents as an e-book and a mere 200 pages, how can you resist?

This one kinda worked. It had your usual Bodice Ripper players: The poor damsel in distress, the rakish rich man with the dark past, a disapproving society and lots of longing glances and heaving bossoms. Not a lot of sexy stuff, though, for which this book loses about 50 points with me.

The damsel in distress is Alexandra Edgemont (Brenda Joyce loooves her some clunky names), an older (read: 25) spinster who has given up having a life in favor of taking care of her drunken father and two younger sisters. She's The Beautiful One Who Sacrifices All and Is Woeful and Always Crying Because of Sad Things. The stunningly handsome rake is Stephen...Covington? De Winterbottom? Doesn't matter. Clarewood, that's it. He's a fancy, rich duke who has a secret heart of gold and a way with the ladies. He sees poor, helpless, beautiful Alexandra at some ball and decides to make her his mistress, as he does. She immediately swoons into his arms (literally and hilariously) and falls in love with him on sight, even though he's heartless and unfeeling and doesn't have that much to fall in love with, honestly. So she decides to become his mistress, they have one night of mindless sex, then he gets angry because she lied about being a virgin (wait...what? so what?!) and kicks her out. This happens at least three times. I lost count.

It's all very ridiculous and overwrought, of course. Also flat-out hilarious in parts. Brenda Joyce just isn't a very good writer, and tends to fill her pages with ridiculous dialogue that sounds vaguely Olde Timey and is all just very silly.

My favorite part, though? I kept noticing how she kept repeating certain words, and much like Inigo Montoya I had the urge to shake her and yell "YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS" in her face. Like..."slammed". As in "Her heart slammed". Thanks to my handy and awesome little Nook, I did a search and found that, in a meager 200 pages, this lady uses the phrase "her [or his] heart slammed" a whopping 26 times (and only twice does she use the verb correctly). She sometimes does it twice in the same page! Another one? "Her heart lurched". LURCHED, y'all. I kept wondering if poor Alexandra just had a really bad heart condition, because that's just not supposed to happen to your heart, honey. I think you might be having a heart attack! The lurching thing? Used 20 times! I LOVED IT. There was also "Thundering", and "sinking". Lots of hearts doing things hearts just shouldn't do. I think Miss Joyce needs to learn some new adjectives.

So, you know. This book's just there. It's apparently part of a very long series, and definitely not one I want to read more of. I want my Romance Novels to have a little bit more Romance and a lot less disturbing things in it--like, say, less selling yourself to a man and then falling in love with him, or less loving him in spite of the fact that he's a total dickhead. That's just not right, people. Also: More sexy stuff. I don't care how hokey your dialogue is if you can at least have some fun sexy stuff.

That's way more words than this book deserves, but I had fun writing this. I'm still wondering why there's a British character named "Alexi", or what the main guy even looked like, or why Alexandra was so dumb. But it was mindless, silly fluff, which is just what I was looking for. And, seriously, I cracked the hell up every time someone's heart kept "slamming". Ten points for that!

Book 2, "No Lifeguard on Duty: The Accidental Life of the World's First Supermodel" by Janice Dickinson

2012-01-24T13:17:00.004-06:00

Well, that was intense.

Before I'd read this, the only thing I knew about Janice Dickinson was that she was that one screechy, mean and altogether hilarious (and terrifying) judge on America's Next Top Model who was crazier than Tyra Banks. And that's saying a lot. I knew she had been a huge model in the 80s, one who currently looked like a terrifying alien spider wearing a woman's skin, and that that was due to extreme levels of plastic surgery. I had no idea she had lived such a damn fascinating life.

This is an autobiography, and it reads like Janice Dickinson herself: crazy, intense, crude, but definitely interesting. She's not the world's best writer (by far), but the brutal honesty of her writing can get you past that pretty quickly. She's full of horrifying stories about the worst parts of the 70s-- Studio 54 sex, drugs, sex, celebrities who take drugs and have sex, perverted photographers, the whole deal. But it's not just a story of a spoiled model, because Janice Dickinson has one hell of a dark past, and the entire book is peppered with a lot of regret and shame, which makes Janice Dickinson incredibly sympathetic sometimes. I wasn't expecting that.

This woman holds nothing back. She fully admits to being spoiled, arrogant and shameless. She's seen everything and done everything (and everyone!) and doesn't care who knows it. There's something disarming about that much honesty. And she admits to her worse mistakes, and how none of the sleeping around, the drugs, the fame, ever made her very happy, because of how messed up of a childhood she had. The whole thing definitely shows you the dark side of celebrity and fame: when you have everyone around you telling you how perfect you are (because it'll make them money), why would you want to do anything differently? It's a terribly dark world, and the fact that she survived a whole lot of horrible things is proof that she is one tough, tough chick. And you gotta admire her for it.

I don't know who I'd recommend this to, but I'd definitely say it's worth a read. There's a lot of darkness in the book, but there's also oodles of dirty celebrity tidbits and funny stories. It's definitely memorable. I know I'll never look at Liam Neeson the same way again.

Cannonball 4, Book 1: "Interview With a Vampire" by Anne Rice

2012-01-23T14:02:00.004-06:00

Maybe the third try (for me) is the one. The one where I finally review every book I read this year. Come on, Fig. Do eet.

There were two questions constantly running through my mind as I read this book. One: Why am I reading yet another book about vampires? And two: Why is it that people who write about vampires always have the whiny, boring vampires as their protagonists?

As to the first question: I don't know. I suppose after reading the shitfest that was Twilight, followed by the campy fun of the Sookie Stackhouse series, I wanted a different take on vampires. Something serious and dark, more along the lines of Dracula. So based on vague recollections of people telling me this was good, I picked it up.

As to the second question...hell, I don't know. Anne Rice, like Stephanie Meyer (ugh) and Charlaine Harris (in the first Sookie Stackhouse books, at least) decided to tell us about the constantly conflicted and whiny vampire. Like Edward and Bill, Louis is the one vampire in the world who isn't happy about being vampire and who refuses to have any fun while being an immortal, impossibly beautiful and powerful being. Why? Why spend eternity grieving about your basic nature and being miserable about who you are? Just walk out into the sunshine one day, kill yourself and save us all from having to read about your misery. Let the fun, crazy vampires like Lestat be the main characters of the story--they're so much more entertaining to read about.

The plot here is your basic Vampire fare. Louis is a vampire telling his story to a reporter sometime in the late 20th Century. He was originally a wealthy plantation owner living in New Orleans near the end of the 19th Century. He had a pretty good life until his brother died in a silly accident, which led Louis to become all depressed and emo-like, wanting to die but lacking the courage to kill himself. Along came Lestat, a batshit-crazy vampire who one day decided to make Louis his companion, mostly because Louis is rich. Lestat is outright evil and conniving, and pretty soon Louis gets tired of his company. But he still sticks around, whining and complaining about being a vampire, feeding off rats and other animals because he can't stand eating humans. He mostly just sits around and whines, waffling about good and evil, life and death and a whole lot of other very boring stuff. After a while he makes a young child, Claudia, into a vampire, who pretty soon gets sick of all of Louis' whining, too.

There's just so much whining. And what's most infuriating about the book is that the characters surrounding Louis are almost all fascinating in their own right. But, instead of focusing on them, Rice decides to just let us hear Louis complaining and wringing his hands about the things that they do. Claudia is a particularly interesting character--she's a monster trapped in a child's body, unable to change or grow and hating Lestat and Louis for it. She wants to do a lot of things--to take advantage of her immortality and learn more about vampires, while Louis just wants to sit there and...I don't know, whine some more. They travel to Europe and meet more vampires, most of whom end up getting quickly tired of Louis' whiny bullshit. Just like I did. Because it just doesn't stop, and pretty quickly I learned to just skim over long passages of Louis questioning the meaning of life and vampirism, because I wanted to get to the good stuff where the actual vampires do something.

It's just not a very good book. It suffers greatly from the fact that Rice picked an incredibly boring character as her narrator and protagonist, one who gets very tiring very quickly. And there's just too many passages where Louis just sits there thinking about being a vampire, instead of just being one. The story is slow and dry, only getting interesting when other people intervene--it's never Louis who does anything worth reading. I guess this might appeal to some people; those who want to philosophize and really think about what it means to be a vampire, but I'm just not one of those people. Or rather, I think there's ways to make this interesting, but Anne Rice just didn't do that for me. There's actually some good scenes in the book, but in the end they're too few and far between to make the book a compelling read.

I think my experience with Rice's vampires ends here.

The End of Cannonball 3: Lists and lists and more lists

2012-01-05T21:58:00.007-06:00

Cripes. Well, so much for keeping up with reviews this time. I kinda suck at that.

BUT! I did finish 55 books this year. I squeaked out the 56th at noon on January 1st, so I'm not counting it. I'm still pretty damn proud of myself, because reading 55 books in one year, while working all kinds of hours and trying to keep the house from becoming too chaotic can be pretty damn hard sometimes. But I made myself read at least half an hour before going to sleep and another half hour when I wake up, and it worked out pretty well. The one thing that saved me towards the latter half of the year was getting a Barnes and Noble "Nook" e-reader, which is an incredibly beautiful thing. I never knew just how amazing it was until late one night when I had finished Catching Fire (the 2nd book in the Hunger Games Trilogy) and I was itching to read the next one...so I just went to the B&N store on the Nook and bought the next one. Right there. From bed. At 2 in the morning. Five minutes at the most. TECHNOLOGY! HOLY SHIT!

So, anyway. I still want to try and finish the reviews I have left. I'm pretty sure I'll join the Cannonball again for its 4th iteration, but I want to get #3 done and over with before I do.

Here's some quick End-of-the-Cannonball Lists!

Best Books of 2011:

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
2. World War Z by Max Brooks
3. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend by Christopher Moore
4. The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
5. A Song of Ice and Fire by George RR Martin

Lessons Learned: I love series. And damn, there's some good Young Adult reading out there (both my #1 and #4 are so qualified). I also like zombies and funny books.

Best Series of 2001, Because Damn, I Read a Lot of Series This Year:

1. A Song of Ice and Fire by George RR Martin
2. The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
3. The Southern Vampire Series by Charlaine Harris
4. The D'Artagnan Romances by Alexandre Dumas
5. Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

Lessons Learned: Second verse, same as the first. I also like how this shows that my tastes in reading are pretty damn eclectic.
Worst Books of 2011:

1. The Constant Princess by Phillipa Gregory (GAWRGH)
2. Misfortune by William Stace
3. Dead of Night by Randy Wayne White
4. Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl by Tracy Quan
5. The Ministry of Special Cases by Nathan Englander

Lessons learned: I hate bad historical fiction, and I hate being bored by books. Also: there's a lot of bad writing out there and I'm glad I avoided most of it.

Tear-jerkiest Books of 2011, AKA: Books That Feel Like a Punch to the Gut:

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
2. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
3. The Pianist by Wladyslaw Szpilmanhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
4. Schindler's List by Thomas Keneally
5. The Man in the Iron Mask by Alexandre Dumas

Lessons learned: Good lord, woman, stop reading books about the Holocaust. Also: Keep a box of tissues by the bed.

Biggest Disappointments of 2011:

1. Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
2. Cloud Atlas by David Mitchellhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Lessons learned: Not everything Neil Gaiman does is gold.

Biggest "Wait...Did I Read That? I Totally Forgot:

1. Misfortune by William Stace
2. Lisey's Story by Stephen King
3. Fool by Christopher Moore

Lessons Learned: Zzzzzzz.....

Best "Damn! White Suburbanites Have it Tough, Yo" Books of 2011:

1. Little Children by Tom Pirrotta
2. Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
3. Needful Things by Stephen King
4. One Day by Dave Nicholls
5. The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson

Lessons Learned: The problems of suburbanites can make for really awesome books.

Favorite Heroines of 2011:
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1. Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games Trilogy
2. Sookie Stackhouse, The Southern Vampire Series
3. Elizabeth I, The Life of Elizabeth I
4. Arya Stark , A Song of Ice and Fire
5. Liesel Meminger, The Book Thief

Lessons Learned: Chicks are awesome, man. Modern literature really is creating some badass females, and I love it. Also, Elizabeth I kicked all kinds of ass.

Favorite Heroes

1. Tyrion Lannister, A Song of Ice and Fire
2. Biff, Lamb
3. Oskar Schindler, Schindler's List
4. That One Yonkers Dude from World War Z
5. Athos, Porthos, Aramis and D'Artagnan: The Three Musketeers

Lessons Learned: Duuuuuudes. Dudes are cool.

Favorite Villains of 2011:

1. The Zombies, World War Z
2. Everything, Catch-22
3. Leland Gaunt, Needful Things
4. The Capitol, The Hunger Games Trilogy
5. Lord Voldemort, The Harry Potter Series

Best Comic Book, Not That I Read A Lot of Them, But This One Is Still Awesome:

1. Hark! A Vagrant! by Kate Beaton-- you can read her comic on her website. Do it!

Lessons learned: Kate Beaton is amazing.

Best People on the Internet for Recommending Books:

1.Pajiba

Lessons learned: Listen to Pajibans when it comes to books.

*****

Damn, I love making lists.

Anyway, here's to some good books in 2012!

Book #38: "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend" by Christopher Moore

2011-12-17T13:27:00.001-06:00

Read it. As soon as possible.

It's a complete riot. The premise is this: the titular character, Biff, has been brought back from the dead in the year 2000 so he could write a gospel about Jesus' life up until he turned 33 and became famous--pretty much everything that's missing from the Bible.

Turns out that Jesus (or Joshua in the book) had a pretty exciting life before all that other good stuff he did in the New Testament. Him and Levi Who is Called Biff go on a quest to find the three Wise Men who came to witness Joshua's birth, so that maybe they'll give Joshua some advice as to how to become the Messiah. They end up wandering around for 16 years, learning about other ancient religions in Persia, India and Tibet. Then they get back and things get back to what we already know happened. Only, of course, we never got the whole story before.

It's so much fun to read. Biff is the kind of friend I think we all have, an impulsive, sex-crazed smartass who is weak of flesh but fiercely loyal to Joshua. Joshua is also hilarious: Moore makes him completely human and approachable. While he does recite some prophetic wise sayings, he also gets frustrated easily and becomes fluent in sarcasm and creative swearing. He has a great sense of humor even while carrying around the huge responsibility that is being God's only son. Their friendship is at the core of the story and what makes it so great--they're both different but constantly play off each other, and their exchanges are just so damn fun and smart that the story only gets bogged down when the two aren't alone together.

The book is a bit slow towards the start, so it's really when they leave Jerusalem that thins get really good. There's elements of the supernatural sprinkled here and there--they battle demons and Joshua manages to make himself invisible. It's incredibly funny, but also dark and somber in spots, which makes for a completely engrossing read. There's genuinely touching scenes, and the ending (which we all know, really) had me in tears because of the incredible journey the two made together. The best thing, though, is that they're just two guys, one of whom just happens to be the Messiah. They have fun together, they argue, they call each other names and feel embarrassed of one another. They're just two great friends.

I can't recommend it enough. It may take a bit to get used to the anachronisms (of language, mostly, and it's just so damn funny that you don't mind it after a while). Moore is a great writer, and he clearly loves his characters and the story.

And it's worth reading for two things that I loved more than anything in the book(and I loved just about the entire thing): One, the scenes between Biff and the Angel. The latter becomes obsessed with modern television, specially soap operas. The second is the scene where Joshua resurrects Lazarus--just to give you a taste, he refuses to come out of the cave because he's "All icky".

I'm still laughing at that.

Books 33-37: "A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin

2011-12-15T14:46:00.001-06:00

It'd be exhausting to write full, separate reviews for these books (and I think, exhausting to read as well), so here's a spoiler-free super fast review of the series for you. I'm lazy, you're lazy, it all works out!

Let me get this out of the way: This is, far and above, the best fantasy series I've read since Lord of the Rings. Granted, I'm not that much of a fantasy buff, so I might be talking nonsense, but I think most of the crazies would agree: This series kicks all kinds of ass. It has an amazing, fascinating world, fantastic characters, political intrigue, complicated plots, romances, blood feuds, vicious battles, carnage galore, ghosts, zombies, dragons, dwarves--everything. It's a massive story, each book easily 1000 pages, but the only problem with that is how much your hands will hurt from lugging them around after you've been unable to stop reading for 8 hours straight.

They get a little bogged down under their own weight from time to time, but the one thing to know about these books is that they'll always get back up to full speed. Pick one up and you won't be able to stop. But beware: George R.R. Martin took 6 years between writing books 4 and 5, and who knows when he'll be able to finish the last two books in the series. I tried to be strong and not read them until he was done writing them, but then HBO came out with the show and it looked amazing with the swords and fighting and the Sean Bean and I HAD to read.

Now, if you're wondering whether to read the books or watch the show first? I'd go with the former. Sure, you'll miss out on being shocked by the ending, but I think it'll be easier to keep the characters straight, and it's definitely worth it to watch the actors bring the characters to life.

A few more quick tips:

1) Don't get too attached to anyone. This man is not afraid to kill off everyone and everything in sight.
2) It's graphic, violent and sometimes more than a little crude. This isn't a series for the faint of heart.
3) Seriously, set aside a weekend or two and tell everyone you know that you will be unavailable for a few days. Once you start, you won't be able to stop.

Book #32: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

2011-11-22T14:22:00.000-06:00

Remember last time, when I told you the books that left me feeling like one giant ball of sadness, almost drowning in dramatic sobs and tears? This was one of them. In fact, I don't think I have ever cried this hard at a book of fiction before. Just thinking about it makes me feel like crying. I don't think I'd ever read a book more beautiful, unique and heartbreaking.

The most fascinating thing about the book, and what helps make it so unique and powerful is that it's narrated by Death. He (or It, I think) is an omniscent observer, who has decided to tell us the heartbreaking story of a young girl named Liesel, who lives in Germany during World War 2. After losing her mother and brother, she is adopted by two Germans, Hans and Rosa Bubermann . Her adoptive father is quiet but strong, her mother rough around the edges, but it's clear that they love each other, and Liesel, very much.

One night the local Nazis stage a book burning, and Liesel, fascinated and confused, sneaks in and steals one of the books about to be burned. It becomes her greatest treasure, and she becomes The Book Thief. A while later a knock comes in the middle of the night and Liesel must share in another secret: a runaway Jew named Max has come to ask the Hubermanns for a hiding place, and they take him in despite the great danger he represents for them

We see the events of the war unfold around the family, slowly and distantly at first, but becoming more and more real as the war progresses, right to their front door during the Allies' bombing of Germany. They're affected right from the start, when Liesel's father tries to join the Nazi party to protect his family, and when Liesel's best friend Rudy joins the Nazi Youth. It's a different, harrowing perspective and I was grateful for it.

The voice of Death is Zusak's greatest accomplishment in this book. Death is detached, seemingly emotionless at times, but there is a great, eternal sadness to the character. The writing is simple but incredibly beautiful and at times almost poetic.Every now and then a simple phrase would just break my heart.

I can't even find the proper words to describe how much this book moved me, and I'm afraid that the review isn't doing it justice. Even now I still feel the power of the story, and it's been a while since I read it. Almost as soon as I was done (after I finished sobbing my heart out, that is) I wanted to read it all over again. It's by far one of the best books I have ever read, and one that I'll recommend to everyone I know. I'll recommend they get a box of tissues to go with it.

Book #31: "The Color Purple" by Alice Walker

2011-11-19T14:10:00.001-06:00

There are very few books that have made me cry. I can count them on one hand: The Time Traveler's Wife, A Thousand Splendid Suns, and The Book Thief. Now I have to add The Color Purple to the list, because this book slayed me.

This is the story of Celie and her sister, told through diary entries and letters to each other. Celie is a poor black girl who has always had a miserable life-- abused as a child, then married off to an abusive, violent husband after her father gets her pregnant and then gives away her children. Her sister, Nettie, moves in with them, but it doesn't last long- the husband tries to rape her and her sister must run away, so Celie loses the only thing in her life that she cares about. From then on she writes letters to her sister, detailing her miserable, lonely life, not even knowing whether her sister is alive or not.

Celie is an incredibly powerful narrator. She doesn't wallow in her sadness, but tells her story in a sadly detached way, detailing the miseries of her life while also hoping that there is something in the future for her. Her life slowly begins to change, once her husband's lover, Shug Avery, comes into her life. Shug is her complete opposite--powerful, independent, a force of nature who doesn't take shit from anyone and reduces Mister to nothing. At first Celie resents her, but slowly they become friends (and lovers) and Celie finally begins to love herself, and thus begins to shine.

It's this aspect of the book that got me. Celie starts out as miserable a character as I've ever read, but her transformation into her own person is incredibly touching and powerful. This is a book about women overcoming obstacles by relying on themselves and other women. There's an impressive cast of female characters, all vastly different but united in their shared desire to become more than their situations allow them to be.

I loved this book. Celie's voice is so strong and the story is touching and memorable. I was crying, both from sharing Celie's heartbreak, but also because of how much she manages to overcome and change. Read this. It's hard, and sometimes brutal to read sometimes, but it's also an incredibly good read.

Book #30: "Little Children" by Tom Perotta

2011-11-04T17:36:00.005-05:00

The first thing to know about this book is that the title refers not to actual children, but to full-grown people who act in ways that make them no better than children. Greedy, selfish, pouting children. This is a book about rich suburbanites who are profoundly unhappy, and the sometimes stupid things they do to try and change this. It's stark and unforgiving, but also sympathetic. And one hell of a read.

The book deals with a group of people living in a perfectly suburban, affluent neighborhood. The families live the American dream: nice houses, nice children, nice jobs. But they're all wildly unhappy. They all seem to think they have something more coming to them, that they need to be more perfect, or richer, that they don't deserve their problems and why should they have it so hard? In short, they're more child-like than their actual children. They want what they want and will throw a tantrum (or rather, have affairs) when they don't get their way. Like spoiled children, they think they deserve what they want, for no real reason other than they want it.

Though this sounds wildly unpleasant, the characters are sometimes strangely sympathetic. The story focuses mainly on four or five characters and their children: There's Sarah, a sad former-feminist who doesn't seem to quite understand how she ended up a housewife with a daughter she doesn't understand and a husband, Richard, whom she doesn't love. She falls into an affair with Todd, a handsome stay-at-home dad who is married to Kathy, a beautiful professional woman. Sarah and Todd are the more childlike of the group, so dissatisfied with their lives that they try having an affair seemingly just to have something exciting to do. They're surrounded by all the usual people of a small suburban neighborhood--the over-protective soccer moms, the guys who love football, everyone with their little stories and secret miseries. The story of the new neighbor, who happens to be a convicted sexual offender, is particularly affecting.

Reading this book I was equally annoyed and saddened by the characters. They're sometimes infuriating in their childish, selfish ways, but you also get the feeling that there's probably a lot of people out there who feel the same way they do. So the characters all feel very realistic, in a way that feels a little uncomfortable to read sometimes. Perotta doesn't hold back his punches, telling the story in an almost detached, clinical way that just gets to you.

It's not an easy book to read, and the characters might put you off entirely, but it's definitely not a book I'll forget anytime soon. Some scenes just stick with you, and I know I'll look out for more of Perotta's work.

Book 28: "One Day" by Dave Nicholls

2011-10-04T16:15:00.003-05:00

One Day is the story of the very long and tumultuous friendship of Dexter and Emma. The book begins when they are just finishing college and starting out in the real world, and it goes on to check on them every year for about 20 years on roughly the same day--Dexter's birthday. It's a sweet, fun story about friendship and growing up, and one of the most relatable books I've read recently.

The book begins when Emma and Dexter meet and sort-of hookup at a party after their graduation from college. Dexter is living the dream; he's handsome, rich and a hit with the ladies. Emma is bookish and shy and has had a crush on Dexter for a while. Their hookup is mostly forgettable to him (he likes her enough to be her friend but nothing more), but it means everything to her. After that they part ways, with Dexter becoming almost instantly successful as a TV presenter without working very hard at all, and Emma floundering to find something meaningful to do after college. We check in on them as they go through their 20s, always keeping in touch with each other, with their friendship growing now stronger and then weaker through the years. But they're always there in each other's minds--at first it's Emma who needs Dexter, but eventually Dexter comes to need her even more than she does him.

It's a wonderfully engaging story about friendship and growing up, and though that sounds kind of cliche and cheesy, I think most people of my generation could easily relate to one of the two main characters. Emma's story definitely hit close to my heart--those days as she's trying to figure out who she is and what she wants to do and never feeling quite sure of herself? Yeah, that was me in my early 20s. Hell, I still feel like that sometimes. As for Dexter I could easily think of three or four people I know who are exactly like him: vain, always winning at everything, seemingly perfect but always wanting something more. It was all very easy to relate to.

I mostly really liked this book. There were a few times when the story slowed down a little too much, but I think it fit in with the idea that you're looking at the lives of two very ordinary people, and ordinary lives aren't always that exciting. The best thing about it, though, was how real and sweet the friendship between the two characters was. Sometimes they argue and hurt each other, but it just makes their love for each other stronger, and I think we all have at least one friendship like that. The only part I didn't much care for was the ending, but the least I say about that the better. This is one book where the journey is worth the disappointing destination.

And how's that last sentence for cliched and cheesy?

Book 27: "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole

2011-10-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

I'll make this a short one. Both because I need to catch up on reviews and because I honestly don't remember much of this book at all. Didn't make much of an impact, to be honest.

I think this ended up on my library list after I asked Pajiba for recommendations on books that were funny. This one was at the top of many lists, so I decided to give it a book. I needed a good laugh after the drearyness of The Road.

Now, it's been a while since I read it, but I don't rememeber it being that funny. I remember a few laugh-out-loud moments, but for the most part the book was just very absurd in its characters and situations. More silly than hilarious, if that makes any sense.

The story centers around the sad adventures of Ignatius J Reilly, a hideous, fat, lazy loser in his 40s who still lives with his miserable mother. He spends his days in his room and refuses to get a job, insisting he's too smart and capable for most mundane occupations. No one understands his genius, so he spends hours writing ridiculous papers and treatises that no one will read. When his mother makes him go out and get a job he ends up trying out several of them, all of which he fails at in ridiculous and somtimes hilarious ways. The story just gets progressively more absurd and ridiculous, and all the characters exist in a bizarre world where everyone is equally insane.

So, if you enjoy absurdist comedy and reading stories that don't make a whole lot of sense, you'll enjoy this. You'll probably crack up several times. I found it a little hard to read. Funny in parts, but on the whole just kind of messy. I guess I like my books to have more of a center that I can hold on to.

I apologize for the half-assed review, but I'm really just wanting to move on to books I actually liked.

Book #26: "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy

2011-08-31T16:55:00.004-05:00

Bleak.

That's the one word I can think of to describe this book. Complete and total bleakness. I don't think I've ever read a work of fiction so completely depressing and hopeless--there's no happy ending and not even a glimmer of hope for one. This is a book to read when you want to feel like you've been kicked in the soul.

The story follows a father and his young son as they make their way through an apocalyptic wasteland. We don't know how long they've been walking, though it must be years and years, as all the son can remember is walking down the road. We don't know where they're going, only that they have a vague hope of reaching the ocean. Everything around them is dead and burned, there's no color, heat or sunshine anywhere, and almost no people. They just walk, and try to avoid anyone who might steal their meager supplies. Every now and then they run into some horrible sights, and the book becomes even more bleak and depressing, which I didn't even think was possible.

McCarthy's writing is as dry and bare as the landscape he describes. It's actually kind of amazing how much he tells you in a few short sentences. There's almost no dialogue or characterization (the characters never even get names), but you still get a full picture of what is going in the story. Some scenes were horrifying not because of what he tells you, but just from what you can imagine from what little he says of it.

This was a very strange, depressing read. On the one hand, the story will leave you feeling a little empty inside (while also wringing your heart for the relationship between the father and son), so maybe you should avoid it because of that. On the other hand, you should read it for the brilliance of the writing alone. I wouldn't ever pick it up again, but I'm glad I did, because it was unlike anything I'd ever read before.

Book #24: "Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman

2011-08-30T13:12:00.003-05:00

Anansi Boys is a spin-off of American Gods, my favorite of Neil Gaiman's books. It follows the two sons of the spider-god Mr. Nancy from the earlier book--twins, one of whom (Spider) has magical powers and leads a life of excess and opulence, the other (Fat Charlie) a sad-sack loser working a bad job and living a painfully mediocre life. The two meet after their father's death, and Spider decides to become a part of Fat Charlie's life, throwing it completely into chaos. He gets Fat Charlie into all kinds of trouble with his job, his girlfriend, and just about everyone he knows, leading Fat Charlie to think of ways to get rid of his magical brother.

If all that sounds cut-and-dry and not very enthusiastic, it's just because I didn't have very strong feelings towards the book. While I loved the bizarre and engaging story of American Gods, all the charm of that book seems to have vanished in this one. I found all of the characters to be shallow and quickly written; each only seemed to have one or two broad traits that never changed through the course of the story. There just didn't seem to be any depth at all, except maybe for the character of Charlie. But even he was such a sad, pathetic loser that I didn't really care for anything that happened to him. Spider, who I think was supposed to be charming and roguish, only came off as obnoxious and stupidly cruel to me. The boss and the girlfriend were bizarre additions; the boss is the villain but seems like a joke, and the girlfriend made so little an impression on me that I was surprised when she showed up again later in the story--I'd actually forgotten that she existed and thought she would just disappear into the background like any minor character.

Sometimes I think I just don't get Neil Gaiman. His stories can be amazing and intricate (like in Neverwhere or American Gods), or they can just fall flat and boring (like in Anansi Boys or Good Omens). Of course, this is just a personal opinion, but I don't share the opinion of my friends that everything he touches is gold. He repeats the plot of Ordinary Person Finds Himself in Extraordinary World over and over again, and for me, it works as often as it fails. I often find myself not even liking the protagonists of his books; it's the stories or the minor characters that win me over. So picking a new book of his is a crapshoot for me, I know I'll either love it or be completely underwhelmed.

This one landed on the latter side for me, and I just didn't like it very much. But I know I'll pick up more of his work, because he's a brilliantly imaginative writer and I want to read what new, bizarre universe he'll come up with next. So, despite the disappointment, I'm not giving up on him just yet.

Book #21: "Fool" by Christopher Moore

2011-08-20T13:42:00.002-05:00

Christopher Moore's Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend might be one of the best books I have ever read. So I'd been looking forward to reading more of his work and picked this one up at the library, and though I knew it probably wouldn't be as good as Lamb, I had high hopes for it.

Unfortunately, I was a little disappointed.

Moore likes telling famous stories from new, hilarious points of view. Lamb, for example, was the story of Jesus Christ told from the point of view of his best friend, a wise-cracking smartass. Fool is Shakespeare's King Lear told from the point of view of Lear's fool, a wisecracking smartass named Pocket.

King Lear was always my favorite of Shakespeare's tragedies, and while it was a great idea to tell his story through the eyes of a character who ridiculous everyone and everything in sight, there was something lacking in the book for me. For those of you that don't know, King Lear is the story of a vain old king, who instead of naming a single heir to the crown decides to divide his kingdom among his daughters, according to which one says loves him best. Two of his daughters, Goneril and Regan, lie through their teeth and get a good chunk of the kingdom for it. His youngest daughter, Cordelia (who really loves Lear), is honest and ends up not getting anything from her father. Cordelia is banished and pretty soon all hell breaks loose when the remaining daughters and their husbands become greedier and start treating King Lear with derision and contempt. Through all this, Pocket is a detached, sarcastic observer, having sex with everyone in sight and pitting sister against sister and sticking by the king to make his ridiculing remarks about everything the old man does.

So it's a great story as it is, and it's an interesting twist to read the whole gory, dark tale from a humorous point of view. I'm just not sure why it didn't quite work for me. I think a large part of it was that, being a big fan of King Lear, I already knew the story from start to end, so nothing really surprising happened. True, there are additional scenes that Moore made up, and while they're funny on their own, I found myself impatient to get back to the real story. Another problem I had was with the character of Pocket, whom I just didn't like as a narrator. To be fair, I don't think you're supposed to like a lecherous, mean and sarcastic troublemaker, but I don't think I was supposed to dislike him this much. I just felt that there were no real motivation for the things he did, and the frantic pace of the story made it hard for me to get a good idea of who the character was.

That being said, Moore's writing is fast-paced and seriously funny throughout the whole book. It's damn entertaining to read the inappropriate jokes and the anachronistic references sprinkled throughout the book. I just wish there was a bit more meat to the character of Pocket and his story as a whole. It wasn't a bad book by any means, and I enjoyed it for the most part, but it could have been better. I'm still going to read more of his work, but this one wasn't a favorite. Now, do yourselves a favor and read Lamb. You won't regret it.

Book #20: "Cause Celeb" by Helen Fielding

2011-07-06T13:35:00.003-05:00

Helen Fielding is the author of my favorite work of Chick Lit: Bridget Jones' Diary; a book that was an absolute riot to read (and read over again). So I was very curious to see what else she had up her sleeve. Turned out that Cause Celeb was not at all what I expected it to be, both in a good and bad way.

The book stars Rosie Richardson, a single girl with a miserable job and a penchant for falling for bad men. In many ways she's just another Bridget Jones--aside from the Bad Boy obsession, she is awkward in social situations and doesn't have a very high opinion of herself. But unlike Bridget she seems to at least be aware of what her problems are and where they come from, and she actually does things to change them. When her bosses send her to the fictional country of Nambula in Africa for business, her life changes once she realizes that the people there have very real and terrifying problems. She decides to break up with her bad boyfriend and move to Nambula to become a volunteer for a charity that runs a refugee camp. A few years later she returns briefly to England to try and get her boyfriend and his celebrity friends to give money and help save the people of the refugee camp. Hilarity ensues, followed immediately by great sadness and misery.

It's the mix of the two that was a bit confusing to me. On the one hand, Fielding does a great job of mocking the culture of Celebrity Charity, where rich, famous people pretend to "Do Good" by feeling sorry for Africans and giving them some money, all for a little bit of good publicity. Sure, there's some good people with good intentions, but for the most part the celebrities live in a little cocoon that's completely separated from the real world, and when they all travel to Africa they get a bit of a shock at what they see. There's a particular character that's just hilarious and perfect-- a supermodel (clearly supposed to be Naomi Campbell) who insists that she wants to save 'her people' while not being sure who they are and thinking that all they need is some toilet paper. The mockery is hilariously done.

However, when the book suddenly switches from mocking celebrities or detailing the woes of Rosie's love life to trying to convey the misery of the camp or the tragedy of a famine, the book falters. The switches are a little jarring, and it's hard to go from parody back to Very Serious Business. It's like Fielding tried to write a parody mixed in with The Constant Gardener and didn't quite pull off the mix.

But mostly it's a good, fun read . Again, the harsh criticism Fielding gives to Celebrity Charity is pretty hilarious and scathing, and you get the idea that the real situation isn't very far off from the parody. I was expecting a fluffy, funny book, and instead got a scathing look at some very real problems involved with celebrity charity. And I was fairly happy with the result.

Fielding is a very funny, insightful writer, and while she might not hit the right note every single time, the book is worth a read. If only so you can try and guess which real-life celebrities she's really making fun of throughout the story.

Books 15-19, 22-23, 25 and 29: The Southern Vampire Series by Charlaine Harris

2011-06-29T16:25:00.005-05:00

Note the First: Well, damn, I've fallen way behind again. Sorry about that. I'm gonna force myself to write at least one review per day, that way maybe I can catch up.

Note the Second: This is a review for the entire The Southern Vampire(aka Sookie Stackhouse) series. I wrote a review of the first book a while ago, and you can read it here. I've tried my best to keep it completely spoiler-free.

Here's the bottom line about Charlaine Harris' "Southern Vampire" series: They are incredibly fun to read. After finishing Dead Reckoning, the last of the books published so far (there are two more to come, I believe), I couldn't wait to go out and recommend the series to everyone I know. That is, everyone I know who enjoys a little bit of fun, fluffy reading or everyone who needs something good to read at the beach. This is a fun, well-written and easy-to-read series about a southern telephatic girl and her adventures with vampires, werewolves, fairies, demons and all other kinds of supernatural beings who are just trying to get at her.

Without spoiling anything, let's just say that Sookie is like many Mary Sues out there--everything happens to her. Every man she meets either wants to kill her, have sex with her, rape her or just hurt her in some way. After first getting involved with Vampire Bill in the first book, Sookie gets drawn in to the intrigues of the world of supernatural beings, mostly because of her own supernatural powers. Each book either continues or introduces new mysteries and characters, building up a complex, interesting world that never seems to be at peace. So it's not all fluff and Sexy Vampire times--some of the things that happen to and around Sookie are dangerous and downright terrifying. The result is that it's always entertaining to read, even hard to put down sometimes.

What really sets this series above other romantic/horror mixes I've read before is that Sookie is a wonderfully likable character. She's independent and strong, and an engaging and funny narrator. She's impulsive, yes, but not in that stupid way that a lot of heroines seem to have in this type of book. There's a reason for everything she does, and she doesn't shy back from violence when it comes to saving herself and those she loves. And best of all, she doesn't waste any time moping around or waiting for someone to come save her--she takes charge of her own life. And I liked that.

It's not a perfect series, however. Harris sometimes gets bogged down in describing the mundane details of Sookie's daily life, as in "I sorted laundry. I put detergent in the laundry. I did a delicates cycle", etc. While this helps make Sookie feel more real and accessible, sometimes you just want her to get on with the story. Fortunately, the books are so easy to read that the payoff is never long in coming, and the little details do help Sookie give a stronger voice as a narrator.

Reviewing the series book by book would be exhausting, and probably useless to most people, so I'll just say that if you start one, you'll want to finish them all. Some of the books are a little slow, some are packed with action--so you can rest assured that things will pick back up eventually. Harris not only creates plots specific to one book but also has larger, overarching plots that cover the entire series and (in some cases) still have to be resolved.

In the end, you could do much worse than this series. Harris is a talented writer who knows what she's writing, and doesn't take herself too seriously. She knows her fans and her audience, and always keeps things moving and fun. She's created a likable heroine and a complex world for her to live in. It's one of the most entertaining "romance" series I've ever read, set in a world where anything could happen--so you get the idea that Harris has any number of cards up her sleeve for future books. Plenty of over-the-top, sexy, and infinitely fun books. I can't wait to read more of them.

Note the Final: Here are the books in proper order, and next to their number on my own Cannonball List:

Book 1: Dead Until Dark (CB #7)
Book 2: Living Dead in Dallas (CB #15)
Book 3: Club Dead (CB #16)
Book 4: Dead to the World (CB #17)
Book 5: Dead as a Doornail (CB #18)
Book 6: Definitely Dead (CB #19)
Book 7: All Together Dead (CB #22)
Book 8: From Dead to Worse (CB #23)
Book 9: Dead and Gone (CB #25)
Book 10: Dead Reckoning (CB #29)

Book #0.5: "Winter's Tale" by Mark Helprin

2011-05-12T10:04:00.000-05:00

It's finally happened--I was unable to finish a book. In the two years that I've done the Cannonball Read, I've gotten through some truly terrible books. I've managed, through sheer stubbornness and not a small amount of masochism to finish books that I wanted to set on fire as soon as I was done with them--just to keep another poor soul from reading them. I told myself I'd never leave a book unfinished. I broke that promise with Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin.

It's not even the worst book I've ever read. There's nothing I actively disliked about it. But oh lord, I just didn't care. About any of it! And eventually I realized that I'd started skipping longer and longer passages of the book because of how awfully bored I was of the whole thing, and I decided to just give it up. I'm never going to finish that book. And I feel bad about it.

It came to me with glowing reviews and recommendations from people I trust (it was mentioned quite a few times on Pajiba whenever someone asked for recommendations), so I had really high expectations for it. And it started out well! Seemed like a flowery story set in New York in the early 20th Century, with bits of fantasy and supernatural elements thrown in here and there.

And then it just went nowhere for what felt like an eternity. It introduced characters over 20 pages, and just when you were really getting into their stories, it'd abruptly turn to a NEW character, just completely dismissing the other. Then it'd go on to yet another loooong description of New York--which, yes, Mark Halprin, I get it, New York is magical, now GET ON WITH IT. I couldn't grasp the tone of the book, or figure out where the hell it was planning on going. Just as I'd start to think "Oh, it's the story of Peter Lake falling in love with so and so", the book would abruptly end that plotline and jump into something completely different. And I just hated the whole thing.

So I gave up. I'll probably be told that I should keep reading, that it's a great book and that it all has a purpose in the end. Probably. But I just didn't like the writing, I didn't care for the characters and I couldn't get through another 500 pages to figure out if there was a point to the whole thing.

I'm gonna count it a .5 of a book, because I think I read to the halfway point. I really didn't even think I had this much to say about it, but it turns out I always have a lot to say about anything. Point is: I didn't like it and couldn't finish it. I feel bad about it, but it'll be going back to the library, and I'll remember it as my very first Cannonball defeat.

One last thing: If you liked the book, please tell me why in the comments. I really want to know.

Book #14: "Misfortune" by William Stace

2011-04-28T10:04:00.004-05:00

I've already mostly forgotten what this book was about. To be fair, I read it almost three weeks ago, but I think it'd be equally fair to say that you don't forget the good books. Even the bad books are memorable in some way; even if they're not exactly pleasant memories. This one was just one forgettable, mediocre book. Something that was hard to remember even when I was reading it, which is honestly just an impressive display of nothingness.

What vague memories I have of it allow me to tell you that it was about a boy who was raised as a girl by his big weirdo of a father. The story was set in England in the 17th Century or so, most of it taking place in a big, boring, empty mansion. The boy, called Rose, was abandoned and later picked up by a very rich nobleman, who for some ridiculous reason decided to bring him up as a girl with the help of his mother's nurse. Rose grows up, has a couple of friends and as he hits his teenage years--well, you can probably guess what happens. All is revealed. Rose runs away and goes on some frankly bizarre and confusing adventures, then comes back and everything is tied up neatly in a big fat bow of Happily Ever After--something about wearing a dress while also having a beard...I don't know. It's not important.

Nothing ever felt important. The story is told by Rose, and, if there's something I've learned while doing the Cannonball is that very, very few people know how to do a good first-person narration. It takes a very good writer to manage the technique, and William Stace just isn't that good, and Rose came off as exceedingly whiny and pathetic a narrator. One who is also rather unlikable. And when you start off with an unlikable main character and you give them nothing good to be surrounded by- no fleshed-out supporting characters, no exciting dialogue, no real plot, not even a good mystery-- you just have a big pile of nothing on your hands.

I can't even get worked up enough to hate it. Stace is not a terrible writer, but he started out with a weak story that never really got going. I confess I spent most of the last quarter of the book skipping large paragraphs of boring, useless exposition in an attempt to just get the book finished. I even put off writing this review for a very long time--the book was so boring that I didn't even want to relieve it long enough to write this.

Work, books, family...

2011-04-19T09:38:00.004-05:00

Apologies for this place being so quiet lately. But I've had a few things going on that have kept me both from updating and reading in general, which makes me sad in the pants.

First, I got a job! I won't say the company name here, but I'll tell you it's a high-end retail store at a mall here in Dallas. I'm on my third week and so far I'm liking it just fine. It can get pretty hectic sometimes--this week in particular has been rather insane-- but the good thing is that the busier you are, the faster the time goes by. I have a problem with sitting still doing nothing, which just makes long shifts drag by, so keeping busy is a good thing. I do get home exhausted after a long day (specially given that I spent the last three months sitting around doing nothing all day), but my feet are finally getting used to the activity. To top it all off, I'm making good money and I'm able to help with household expenses, which is always nice.

I still want to go for the teaching degree, of course. But given the state of Education in Texas right now, I think I'd better put if off for a while. I think I'll still try to get the certification this year just to have it on hand for when schools start hiring again, but that will have to wait until I'm a little bit more secure at the job. So, it's not an ideal situation, but I have a job and I'm very grateful for that.

Specially because a brutal summer is coming and I want to be able to use the A/C all day without feeling guilty at not being able to afford it. Bwah.

In other news, my older brother's going to be moving to Dallas with his wife, and I couldn't be more excited. They just got married in December and they'll be moving here for school sometime during the summer. I'm ecstatic at having some family nearby, and the fact that we'll both be here will make it a lot easier for the rest of my family to visit us. It'll be fun.

As for my Cannonball, I'm going along at a good pace. I'm on book 22 and not that far behind on my reviews. I decided to lump all of the Sookie Stackhouse books into one giant review, as separate posts would be too repetitive and full of spoilers. I'm on book 8 right now and should be done pretty soon.

That's about it on this end. Nothing terribly exciting, but I'm keeping busy while trying not to melt. It's already hitting 95 here during the day, with lows in the 80s at night. I did not miss you, summer.

Book #13: "The Constant Gardener" by John Le Carre

2011-03-25T11:35:00.003-05:00

John Le Carre is an amazing writer. That was the main thing I got out of this fantastic, thrilling book. I don't know why I'd never read any of his work before, but after this one, I think I'm going to need to pick up more than a few of his books. He has this incredibly simple but elegant way of writing, where the sentences just flow perfectly together and draw you into the story so well that before you know it you've read half the book in just a few hours.

The book (on which the movie was based) takes place in Kenya, where the British High Commission works to aid the impoverished nation. Justin Quayle for for the BHC, and is married to Tessa, a passionate young woman determined to really help the population in Kenya by fighting the corporations that want to make a profit from pretending to help them. At the start of the book (it's not a spoiler, as it happens in the first page), Tessa is found murdered, and Justin begins to investigate the details behind her very suspicious death. He soon finds out that Tessa was involved in uncovering the truth behind the deaths of Kenyans who were using a drug promoted by a rich pharmaceutical company, and that they might be responsible for her death. The story quickly escalates into a dangerous mission for Justin, as he travels around the world trying to find out the truth behind his wife's murder.

It's a great thriller of a story, and Le Carre keeps things moving at a fast pace. The book slows down slightly in the middle as Justin hops to yet another international destination, but it's still a fun read. Le Carre writes some great characters, all with distinct voices and personalities, and you really do end up caring a great deal about Tessa and Justin. The story might be unrealistic at times, but I think that when a thriller is really good, you don't really care that much.

All in all, I loved this book. The writing is a pleasure to read, the mystery is engrossing, and the characters are believable. I don't ask for much more from a thriller, and this one delivered. I highly recommend it.

PS: The movie is also pretty great. But so very, very depressing.

Book #12: "Lisey's Story" by Stephen King

2011-03-15T11:47:00.003-05:00

Oh, Stephen King, I wish I knew how to quit you. Even when you give me this bizarre, often-irritating mess of a book, I still find things to like about it. And I know I'll still read whatever you write, even when I (and pretty much the entire world) have a feeling that maybe you should have stopped a long time ago.

Lisey's Story is a strange soup made up of a confusing mix of the ingredients Stephen King loves and that we long-time readers are all too familiar with: There's the story told from a lonely woman's perspective; a woman who is so normal she's almost dull. The dead husband, who (of course) was a famous author. Their loving relationship and his dark past. The Maine setting. And as always, a sprinkling of the supernatural--in this case, a very convenient parallel world that only very special people can travel in and out of with relative ease. As usual with King, most of the ingredients work for most of the book, up until the end when they start to go a little stale.

Lisey is a fairly dull woman who lost her husband, Scott (a famous writer), a couple of years ago. She's finally going through his effects after being pushed to it by former peers of her husband who want any unwritten material he might have left behind. As she goes through his papers, she finds herself reliving moments in their life, including some very dark memories that she has blocked out of her mind. She then discovers that before his death, Scott left behind a trail of objects and papers that would take her further and further back into his very dark past and make her remember all those suppressed memories. It's like a miserable scavenger hunt, that Scott calls a 'bool' for some unexplained reason (more on this later). Lisey follows along, mostly because she doesn't have much of anything else to do.

It's actually all pretty interesting stuff to read--up until the point where King's train goes off the believable trail and crashes into that damned parallel world that he's so fond of. I would try to explain the parallel world here, but it would spoil the story for those who might consider reading it. And to be perfectly honest, it just doesn't make much sense at all. It actually ends up seeming like nothing more than a convenient device that makes plot points easy to resolve--as if King couldn't think of a good way for Lisey to solve her problems. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and sometimes the story veers into outright silly territory because of it.

One of the things I've always loved about King is that he writes believable, relatable characters. He's great at giving his characters a voice, so that you feel like you know them after only a few pages. Often, he does this by giving the characters cutesy little sayings like the kind your elderly aunt uses, and it works pretty well most of the time. But in this case, I just found this irritating. It's true that married couples often use cute little nicknames for things, little in-jokes that only the two can understand, and I get that using them in a story is a good way to draw a realistic couple. But Lisey and Scott are just ridiculous. Every damned thing has a cute little nickname, and I just found myself thinking that I would probably hate the living guts out of Scott if I ever met him. Sure, it might be cute between the two of you, but I don't want to hear the stupid little name you have for going to the toilet. No one does. Keep that stuff to yourself.

The weird thing is, I don't remember disliking the book this much while I was reading it. I know that the nickname thing did irritate me, and that the parallel universe seemed ridiculous as I read. But Lisey's actual trip back through her memories is actually a pretty good read--it's just that it's sprinkled throughout with all these annoying little details that take you away from the story, and that, when you think about them at the end, make you realize that the book was kind of a mess. And I haven't even gone into the superfluous subplots (Lisey's sister, the psychotic fan) because they seem to be part of a completely different story. I feel that, had King stuck to the one story of Lisey and Scott (and maybe a better version of the parallel world) the book would have been infinitely better. But, as is usual with him, he just has to keep adding more and more elements to the book, so that it ends up being a bloated, unappetizing mess. In the end, I liked some of it. Most of it I didn't, and once again I got the feeling that it could have been a better book if he had spent a little more time on it. One of King's problems is that he writes so much that a lot of his books don't read like he's put a lot of effort into them. And this was one of those.

So, unless you're a die-hard fan of Stephen King like I am, I'd recommend skipping this book. We die-hards will indulge him in all his weirdnesses and continue to read him even after he irritates us, but someone else might not be so kind. While I go "oh, another parallel universe? OK, then" someone else might just think the whole thing is ridiculous and stop reading the book. And that would probably be a smart move in this case. At least you'll be spared the disappointment.

It's not a very healthy relationship, mine and King's. But I can't quit it. There's always the hope of something better coming along the way, even if I have to put up with a lot of crap along the way.

Monday Hot Post: Figgy's New Crushes

2011-03-14T10:50:00.019-05:00

I've given my blog over to my 15 year old self today, who, to be perfectly honest, is within 2 seconds of Normal Me at any given time, ready to take over at the mere sight of a really pretty boy on my TV. As I said over in the Twitterverse: I sincerely hope I never get too old to stop getting crushes on random male celebrities. What do you want from me? I'm allowed to like the pretty! MrFig told me so*. Plus, I need a distraction from waiting around and being stressed and dammit, it's my party and I'll objectify if I want to.

*I gather this from the fact that he just narrows his eyes and shakes his head when I point out how cute so-and-so is. I wonder if he'll read this and shake his head some more. Hi, honey!

Today's post is testament to the fact that my crushes are easily interchangeable, depending mostly on what my thirty-second attention span is focusing on at that moment. I mean, there's always the Unshakable Freebies (Eric Bana, Sean Bean, Christian Bale), but some crushes fade as they leave my screen, like Naveen Andrews or Reynaldo Giannechini. What can I tell you? My love, like life, is fickle. A leaf turning in the wind, drifting down the stream--

Oh god, shut up and show us some hot mens. Alright. Here we go.

1. Kyle Chandler

Hey, have you watched Friday Night Lights yet? Why the hell not? Don't be an idiot like I was for so long and stay away from one of the best shows of all time because you think it's just about football. Because it SO is not. It's brilliantly written and acted, and I've never seen such realistic portrayals of people and relationships before. It's amazing and you should all watch it. Plus, there's Taylor Kitsch goodness.

And look at that pretty, pretty smile!

Ooh, Kyle Chandler. One manly clench of that jaw, one look at that bristling head of hair and I'm a puddle of goo. He wears shorts and sneakers and still looks incredibly good. And he's got a voice to melt butter. Oh, Coach. You and your magnificent head of hair make my life happier.

Speaking of magnificent heads of hair...

2. Adam Scott

OK, this one's a little bit different for me. He's almost the complete opposite of my type--he's short, really skinny, and kinda weird looking. I mean, he has a giant head. And his hair makes him look like a hedgehog. But damn, this guy's got something that makes me giggle like a 15 year old.

Lemme give ya a little eyebrow

It's partly the fact that he's incredibly funny (speaking of shows you should watch, have you tried Party Down or Parks and Recreation? Because you seriously should) and has these incredible reactions to everything, and then he has this great voice, and the eyebrows, and just... HE IS SO DAMN CUTE:

And hedgehog like...

*Ahem* Yeah, I really can't get any more eloquent than that. I think this is a guy you need to watch act to get his appeal, though damn, he's cute in photos, too. He's quickly shot up my list of favorites, and I'll never tell anyone just how many times I've watched both of his shows lately. Over and over and over again. I have a problem.

Now, on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, we have...

3. Chris Hemsworth

Or as I like to call him: The Hemsworth that matters. The first time I looked at this dude I dismissed him as too pretty for my tastes. He's a former model and looks it, in those cheesy little poses. And then...oh, my.

I'm not even gonna beat around the bush on this one (*giggletitterIamagiantidiot*): the guy is huge. A mountain of a man. I mean, he's playing freakin' Thor, for crying out loud. And what with my complete obsession with any movie featuring superheroes, and, well, this:

And this:

The hammer is his...oh, shut up

Um...how soon can I get tickets?

Speaking of movies I can't wait to see...

4. Richard Armitage

This sexy-voiced Brit first came to my attention after a friend recommended I watch the mini-series North and South, one of those dark-and-gloomy British period pieces. I loved it. He spent a lot of time brooding. In an incredibly sexy manner, of course:

*broodbroodbroodbesexybroodbroodbrood*

*broodbroodbroodgloomysexystarebrood*

His upcoming film? The Hobbit. Yeah, that one. Alas, he'll probably be all covered up in hair and many layers of clothes, so we won't get to see him like this:

Hey, PJ? I have an awesome idea for the Thorin character...

***

Well, that's it for now. I hope you enjoyed looking as much as I enjoyed putting this damned thing together.

May we never stop liking to look at the pretty men.

All my Cannonball 1 Reviews

2011-03-11T20:21:00.002-06:00

This is more for my own benefit than anything else, but I thought this would be a handy post to refer to when I mention books I've read in the past. These are all the reviews I wrote for the first Cannonball, way back in '08 and '09. It's funny to see how I started out strong with the reviews, then got to around 40 books and I totally deflated. But, in my defense, that was around the time of the coup in Honduras and the nightmare with getting my visa, and writing book reviews was the farthest thing from my mind. Then I just read and read and let the reviews pile up, then just never got around to writing the last 50 or so. How embarrassing. One good thing that might come of this is that I've learned a lesson and won't let the reviews wait too long.

Anyway. There's some good stuff in here, and I had fun putting the list together and reading through some reviews. I like how I go from High-Fallutin' Intellectual Wannabe to Cussing Like a Pirate and Not Really Trying from one review to the next. I'm nothing if not inconsistent.

1. "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger

2. "Everything is Illuminated" by Jonathan Safran Foer

3. "Why Girls Are Weird" by Pamela Ribon

4. "Everything's Eventual" by Stephen King

5. "Embers" by Sandor Marai

6. "The Witch of Portobello" by Paolo Coelho

7. "On Writing" by Stephen King

8. "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini

9. "Night Sins" by Tami Hoag

10. "Guilty As Sin" by Tami Hoag

11. "How to Get Lost" by Amanda Eyre Ward

12. "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham

13. "The First Wives' Club" by Olivia Goldsmith

14. "The Testament" by John Grisham

15. "The Rescue" by Nicholas Sparks

16. "When the Wind Blows" by James Patterson

17. "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" by Gregory Maguire

18. "The Partner" by John Grisham

19. "Hannibal" by Thomas Harris

20. "Marie Antoinette" by Hilaire Belloc

21. "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" by John Berendt

22. "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen

23. "Ain't Gonna be the Same Fool Twice" by April Sinclair

24. "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire

25. "Cry Wolf" by Tami Hoag

26. "Teacher Man" by Frank McCourt

27. "Tiburcio Carias Andino" by Mario Argueta

28. "The Golden Compass" by Phillip Pullman

29. "The Subtle Knife" by Phillip Pullman

30. "The Amber Spyglass" by Phillip Pullman

31. "Black Hawk Down" by Mark Bowden

32. "Sense and Sensibility" by Jane Austen

33. "Lady Chatterley's Lover" by DH Lawrence

34. "Walking the Bible" by Bruce Feiler

35. "The House of Spirits" by Isabel Allende

36. "Outlander" by Diana Gabaldon

37. "Dragonfly in Amber" by Diana Gabaldon

38. "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris

39. "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby

40. "Voyager" by Diana Gabaldon

41. "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding

42. "Drums of Autumn" by Diana Gabaldon

43. "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card

44. "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" by Helen Fielding

45. "The Talisman" by Stephen King and Peter Straub

46. "Rainbow Six" by Tom Clancy

47. "The Godfather" by Mario Puzo

48. "The Fiery Cross" by Diana Gabaldon

49. "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers

50. "The Godfather Returns" by Mark Winegardner

51. "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" by JK Rowling

52. "The Street Lawyer" by John Grisham

53. "From a Buick 8" by Stephen King

54. "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" by Diana Gabaldon

55. "Airs Above Ground" by Mary Stewart

56. "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" by JK Rowling

57. "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" by JK Rowling

58. "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee

59. "Jurassic Park" by Michael Crichton

60. "Smith of Wooton Major and Farmer Giles of Ham" by JRR Tolkien

61. "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

62. "Son of a Witch" by Gregory Maguire

63. "The Three Musketeers" by Alexandre Dumas

64. "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" by JK Rowling

65. "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini

66. "Sex and the City" by Candace Bushnell

67. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" by JK Rowling

68. "The Outsiders" by S. E. Hilton

69. "Neverwhere" by Neil Gaiman

70. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

71. "Rage" by Stephen King

72. "The Long Walk" by Stephen King

73. "The Restaurant at the end of the Universe" by Douglas Adams

74. "Roadwork" by Stephen King

75. "The Running Man" by Stephen King

76. "Life, the Universe and Everything" by Douglas Adams

77. :So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish" by Douglas Adams

78. "Persuasion" by Jane Austen

79. "Mostly Harmles" by Douglas Adams

80. "Coraline" by Neil Gaiman

81. "Fire and Hemlock" by Diana Wynne Jones

82. "The Stand" by Stephen King

83. "The Man in the Iron Mask" by Alexandre Dumas

84. "Under the Tuscan Sun" by Frances Mayes

85. "Dolores Claiborne" by Stephen King

86. "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan 'Hack Job' Brown

87. "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold

88. "Dracula" by Bram Stoker

89. "The Langoliers" by Stephen King

90. "The Library Policeman" by Stephen King

91. "To the Nines" by Janet Evanovich

92. " Day of the Triffids" by John Wyndham

93. "The Catcher in the Rye" by JD Salinger

94. "The Stranger" by Albert Camus

95. "Cuentos de Eva Luna" by Isabel Allende

96. "Desperation" by Stephen King

97. "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen

98. "In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote

99. "Airframe" by Michael Crichton

100. The Brethren by John Grisham

Conclusions: I read a lot of crap there at the end, just desperately trying to make it to 100. But I did! Even if some of the books barely fit the rules. I hope to do much better this year.

Book #11: "The Ministry of Special Cases" by Nathan Englander

2011-03-11T11:12:00.004-06:00

If there's anything I hate more than reading a bad book, it's to be disappointed by a book I thought would be good. I came into this one with high hopes, as I had heard nothing but good things about it-funny, tragic, original, etc- and I could not have been more disappointed. I'm still not sure how I got through this plodding, miserable and depressing read, but it must have been a combination of stubbornness and of my dislike for leaving any book unfinished.

The story is set in Argentina in the 1970s, during a military dictatorship; a particularly dark time in the country's history. Kaddish Poznan is Jewish, the son of a prostitute, and he specializes in erasing the names off tombs in the Jewish cemetery; specifically, the closed-off section that houses the tombs of pimps and prostitutes. He is paid to do this by wealthy Jews who don't want to be associated with their darker pasts. He's reluctantly assisted by his son, Pato, a young college student with communist leanings. His wife, Lilian, works as a secretary and dotes on their son.

One day their son disappears for seemingly no reason at all. His disappearance takes over all of Lilian's life, as she spends days and days at the Ministry of Special Cases, a bizarre building that's a bureaucratic nightmare, where people are made to wait outside in the sun for hours and days just for a turn to talk to someone who can't help them. Kaddish, less optimistic than his wife, is pretty sure their son is dead.

And I just didn't give a damn about any of it. Aside from the terrible flashbacks of Honduran bureaucracy brought up by the scenes at the Ministry, this whole book just washed over me and left me feeling completely and utterly bored. None of it ever connected; not the characters or their terrible tragedy, not the setting, nothing at all. Which was just surprising to me, because I thought that I'd readily connect to a book that deals with a story that was repeated all through Latin America in the 70s and 80s--my parents lived through this, and still I didn't give a damn what happened to any of these characters!

It's hard for me to remember why all I felt for this book was an overwhelming sense of apathy. I think a big part of it was that the characters didn't feel like real people to me. They were like ghosts, and for all that Englander documents Lilian's misery, it just felt so clinical to me. Lilian and Kaddish felt like they lived in completely different worlds, which I suppose was the point (they never connect to each other), but to me they felt like characters in two completely different stories. I never felt that the two were even remotely connected. Pato is just a sketch of a character, and it was hard to grasp just what the character was like, or why I should care about him.

The writing felt dry and heartless to me. Scenes were disjointed and there didn't seem to be a running thread through the whole thing. I think we were supposed to feel the same sense of confusion and isolation that Lilian felt in her search for her son, but I don't think we were supposed to feel completely outside of it, to the point where you just stop caring about the whole thing.

I don't know if this will make much sense to anyone, but to me, the book felt like a bad Spanish-to-English translation of a better book. It felt as if the words didn't quite fit, as if they would maybe have more of an impact in a different language; as if it had been written by a very dry, very bad translator. The words just didn't fit the story. I really hate that I can't explain it any better than that, but maybe it'll make some sense to someone.

I came into this with high expectations, and they were dashed pretty quickly. I kept expecting the story to pick up, for the writing to get smoother, to start caring about the characters. But that never happened. Though there are scenes of graphic violence and what I guess is supposed to be terrible sadness, I never felt anything but apathetic towards this book. I didn't hate it; I just didn't care.

I guess they can't all be winners. I'm just annoyed that this one wasn't.

Book #10: "Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl" by Tracy Quan

2011-03-03T12:47:00.004-06:00

Oh, sweet Jeebus on a cracker, what a terrible turd of a book this was. Let me tell you the many, many ways in which this book quickly launched itself to the very top of my Trash list.

Our protagonist, Nancy Chan, is a high-end call-girl. She has always wanted to be a prostitute (um...ok, whatever), and at 20 something she's raking in the money by having sex with creepy, rich, old guys. She is also -oh, no! the conundrum!- engaged to a rich, incredibly bland dude (more like a cardboard cutout for all the personality he has) and is being pressured by her ditzy friend to join a group that promotes the rights of sex-workers.

That should be...at least kind of fun to read, wouldn't you think? After all, the cover quoted "Cosmopolitan" (oh that bastion of high literature and fun, fun times!) saying that it was "chock full of dirty secrets!" (or some shit like that), so you really shouldn't expect more than a bunch of dirty sex scenes and fun in the high life of sex with balding men in their 60s! The cover had a BUTT on it! How could we go wrong in our pursuit of a mindlessly fun book to read quickly in boring moments? HOW!

By doing every single thing that you could possibly do wrong in writing a book. First: Make your book into a "diary", because God knows that shit isn't done to death, especially in chick-lit. Hey, it worked for Bridget Jones, and how hard can it be? Start by making your protagonist into an insufferable, spineless, whiny little victim who goes to the therapist a lot to whine about her stupid little problems that she could easily get out of if she had even the slightest bit of self-respect. Then, have her pepper her journal entries with inane little asides, a lot of "dirty" words (Oh, my! she said "pussy"! How naughty!) and a lot of boring stories about having sex with disgusting old men who want to have sex with young girls and pay to do it in fancy hotels in between business meetings. Have her friends be walking, reprehensible female stereotypes of the worst sort (Allison is ditzy! Jasmine is a total power slut! Her fiance's sister is a bitch because she's got a powerful job!) , and add a fiance who seems to be a complete fuckwit who somehow hasn't discovered that his fiance is a prostitute. Add to it a painfully boring subplot involving a bunch of bra-burning feminist stereotypes, a lot of seriously pathetic 'dramatic' moments (oh, no! she forgot to bring condoms! WHAT IS SHE TO DO!) and you have just one big painful insult to not only women and prostitutes, but to the entire world and very existence of books.

Just...holy hell, this book was irritating. Worse, it was boring. It starts off with one of those stupid little sex scenes that seem to have been written by a 15 year old girl who isn't quite sure how sex works but thinks that saying 'pussy' and 'cock' and 'whore' a lot immediately makes something titillating. But, no. It's just boring. You might as well be reading a recipe book for all the excitement that's in it. Nothing even remotely exciting happens to this chick, but somehow she does nothing but whine about how difficult her life is, mostly because she has incredibly stupid friends. I wanted to take this girl aside and just tell it plain to her face: If something in your life is giving you shit, get the fuck rid of it. If your friend is a pain in the ass who makes you do things you don't want to do, and she irritates the hell out of you, why are you friends with her? If you are conflicted about keeping your whoring life secret from your fiance, whom you don't really seem to have any real connection with, why don't you either tell him or break it off? You, young lady, are a spineless coward and need to get your life straight. It's not that fucking hard.

I'm devoting way too much time to this book, and I know it. But like I said in my last entry, when you hate something, you can pretty easily think of a million different reasons why you hated it. Believe me, I could keep going on and on with this, but suffice it to say that this book was a waste of my time and a perfect 99 cents. I could have bought a cup of tea with that money, and it would have been an infinitely more entertaining exercise. I could use it as a doorstop and it would serve a better purpose than as literature.

Oh, here's a fun tidbit I found out after I read the book. Apparently, Tracy Quan started this whole turd of a 'series' by writing it as a column for Salon, she's a former call-girl herself and probably most of the book was written from experience. Thanks, wikipedia. Now I have an even bigger reason to dislike this woman--you have all this wealth of probably great stories in your life, and this is what you chose to unleash on the world? Maybe you could have been better off selling your stories to someone who could actually write a sentence without sounding like a whiny teenager. Because, lady, your book sucked.

Book #9: "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon

2011-02-26T10:16:00.004-06:00

If I've discovered one thing in the course of reading and reviewing books for the Cannonball, this is it: It's much, much harder to review a great book than a bad one. It's so much easier to list all the wrongs of a bad book, to make the review humorous or to rain insults down on an incompetent author. But reviewing a good book? That's always difficult.

This was a great book. It's a story told from the point of view of Christopher Boone, a 15 year old with Asperger's syndrome. He is great at mathematics and very logical, but has little to no social skills and has trouble communicating with anyone he is not familiar with. He lives with his father, a simple man who sometimes loses his temper when he can't understand what Christopher wants.

The story begins with Christopher finding his neighbor's dog dead in the garden. Due to his love of detective stories (because of their use of logic) he decides to investigate the dog's death and find out who killed it. But he runs into trouble when people get angry or bothered by his inquiries, so much so that his father forbids him to continue the investigation. But Christopher, who has trouble understanding people's motivations and non-specific requests, finds a way around his father's orders and continues to investigate. Along the way he finds out some unpleasant things about his father and decides to run away, which throws him into a completely unknown and very confusing world as he tries to find his way around.

It's one of those stories where the things that happen to a protagonist may not be that spectacular or exciting, but because the character is so different and lives in his own little world, just going down an unknown street is an epic adventure. Christopher's voice is so strong that you get completely immersed in his story, feeling his terror at what we would consider every day things, like taking the train or having a conversation with a stranger.

In short, Haddon does a terrific job of showing the workings of Christopher's mind; how he uses his condition to work out problems, in ways that most of us wouldn't even begin to think of. It's hard to say exactly why this book is so great--it's just the way the character is written, the humor of the writing, and how you feel sympathetic of the character without feeling sorry for him. I read that Haddon based Christopher on people he knew who suffered from similar conditions to the character's, and it helped me to appreciate that Haddon doesn't consider his character as inferior, just different. And so, it's a different book from anything I've ever read, and I'm glad I finally decided to read it after many years of having people recommend it to me.

See? That was probably grossly incoherent. It's just damned hard to really explain that "I loved it, but it's hard to describe exactly why--you should just read it" feeling. Specially when any description of the story doesn't really do it justice. So I'll conclude by just saying this: It's a great book. You should read it.

Book #8: "Heart-Shaped Box" by Joe Hill

2011-02-19T12:22:00.004-06:00

What a great book this was. I've had people recommend it to me for ages; a lot of people going with the "He's like his dad...but BETTER!" line of encouragement. Well, I'm glad I listened.

Joe Hill is Stephen King's second son, and as much as I'm tempted to compare his writing to his father's (of whom I am a big fan, as you probably know) I think it would be doing him a disservice. Based on this book, I think his writing stands alone.

Heart-Shaped Box is a ghost story, and probably the best one I've ever read. The protagonist is Judas Coyne, a retired heavy-metal star who now lives in an isolated farm, his only company a cheery assistant and his current lady-friend, whom he calls Georgia (because it's easier if he doesn't call her by her real name). He has a bizarre collection of morbid objects--including a real snuff film-- and when someone informs him that a real ghost is being sold on e-bay, he buys it immediately, if only because it sounds pretty cool. The ghost (of a woman's deceased father) is "sent" in the suit the man was buried in, and soon Coyne starts seeing the old man around his house. At first he seems harmless, but it becomes increasingly clear that both the sender and the ghost don't have the best of intentions towards Coyne. After some pretty terrifying stuff starts to happen, Coyne and Georgia decide to track down the sender as a ways of getting rid of the ghost, and things get progressively weirder and more dangerous.

I don't want to give too many details as to that "terrifying stuff" (as I so eloquently put it), as it's definitely something you should be surprised by. I confess I don't read a lot of ghost stories, but I've never heard of a ghost being quite this terrifying and evil before. The best way I can put it is that it creeped me the hell out, so much so that I couldn't quite walk around the apartment at night without feeling completely disturbed. It's the kind of book that gets under your skin, and even now (almost three weeks after I finished it) I still feel slightly perturbed at the idea of this ghost following me everywhere.

The writing is well paced and lacking in any unnecessary embellishments, and Hill creates a great feeling of tension and suspense all through the book. Judas Coyne is not exactly a sympathetic character, and sometimes it's hard to get a hold of him as a person, but it works because you're not exactly sure what he's going to do or say next. He's a stranger, and that works really well in the context of the story, as we slowly learn more about him but still don't know him at all. And still, it's a powerful story, one that lingers in your brain, It makes you care about what's happening and it's never boring.

I look forward to reading more of Joe Hill's work, because this book just blew me away. And just because someone might ask, I can't really say if he's better or worse than his father. I know Stephen King's work too well and I like it too much to make comparisons. They might write in vaguely the same genre, but their writing styles are completely different. And that's a good thing for both of them.

Figgy's Favorites: RomComs Edition

2011-02-14T10:48:00.008-06:00

I think you all know by now that despite my Tough-Talkin', Hatin' exterior, I'm kind of a big softie inside. So, while I despise everything related to Valentine's Day (except for the cheap chocolate tomorrow), I figured this was a good a time as any to write this list.

You should also know that I love Romantic Comedies. I watch them obsessively. All of them - hell, I've watched everything Kate Hudson has ever made (so now you know why I hate her), just because I want to find the gems amongst the piles of crap that Hollywood produces year after year.

These are the gems. They're the movies I'll sit and watch over and over again, the ones who'll get me all blubbery and grinning like a fool every single time I watch them. They may not be cinematic genius--most of them riddled with the same cliches as the bad ones-- but they make me happy.

For all intents and purposes I'm using this basic definition of a RomCom: A comedy centered and revolving around a love story. I like this definition because it gives me a more narrow field to work with, and because it excludes a lot of comedies that just happen to have a romance in them but that I wouldn't classify as RomComs. Some examples of this are Shaun of the Dead or High Fidelity; two great movies, but not RomComs to me. I know some people might not like that definition, but it works for me. So: Comedy and a love story at the center.

1. Bridget Jones' Diary

Best Moments: The confession, of course. The birthday scene (that look he gives her across the table? Sweet jeebus) and of course, the kiss at the end. That kiss. Ooh, honey pass me the fan.

Best Assets: Zellwegger whom I will always love for this movie alone, Colin Firth's accent and sexy stares, Hugh Grant being deliciously evil, Bridget's Parents (Slugworth and Madame Pomfrey!), Gaius Baltar as the gay friend, the soundtrack.

Best Line(s):
"Wait a minute...nice boys don't kiss like that."
"Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Dumb Thing To Get Over (But that you can get over pretty easily): Trying to make us believe that Bridget Jones is fat. But the whole point of the character is that she thinks she's fat but isn't.

2.The Truth About Cats and Dogs:

Best Moments: The conversations between the girls, the visit to the department store, the photo session, and of course, the phone conversation. Gets me all oogly every single time.

Best Assets: Janeane Garofalo at her most awesome, Ben Chaplin's accent, the dog, Uma Thurman being thoroughly likable for the first time ever.

Stupid Thing to Get Over: The ridiculous premise, the idea that Janeane Garofalo isn't as beautiful (if not more) than Uma Thurman.

Best Line(s):
"What's wrong, Abby?"
"Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't fix"

3. While You Were Sleeping:

Best Moments: The scene where she first meets the family, the Christmas dinner, the wedding, the first visit to the apartment.

Best Assets: Sandra Bullock at her most adorable, Joe Junior, Bill Pullman looking like a sexy carpenter, Peter Gallagher's insane eyebrows, the entire, ridiculously lovable family.

Stupid Thing to Get Over: The lie is pretty flimsy, but works perfectly. Also that anyone would fall in love with Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows.

Best Line(s):
"I'd say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don't know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don't know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really... likable. "

4.Bringing Up Baby:
[Note: I suppose this would fit in better under the "Slapstick Comedy" genre, but I'm putting it on here because I can.]

Best Moments: Oh, all of them. The whole movie is a succession of hilarious scenes and brilliant moments. If forced to pick one, I'd say the whole scene at the restaurant.

Best Assets: Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn. Need I say more? Well, the leopards are pretty great, and Hepburn's wardrobe is amazing. George the dog is great.

Stupid Thing to Ignore: If you're really picky, the Walking Irish Stereotype can be a bit much for some people.

Best Lines:
"Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but - well, there haven't been any quiet moments

5.Sleepless in Seattle:

Best Moments: the entire radio conversation at the start, Meg Ryan and Rosie O'Donnell watching An Affair to Remember, then Rita Wilson describing it, the guys "crying" over The Dirty Dozen.

Best Assets: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, both completely sweet and believable, the fact that this movie manages to convey chemistry between the two of them without them ever talking to each other, the kid who plays Jonah, the whole supporting cast (Rita Wilson, Rosie O'Donnell, Victor Garber, Bill Pullman, David Hyde Pierce).

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Jonah somehow manages to fly from Seattle to NYC way too easily. Things were more relaxed in the 90s, but not that relaxed.

Best Line:
"You don't want to fall in love. You want to fall in love in a movie

6.Four Weddings and a Funeral:

Best Moments: All of the weddings, Rowan Atkinson as the priest, the girl learns sign language for the deaf boy, the final scene, John Hannah reading the poem at the funeral.

Best Assets: Hugh Grant as his most stammery, John Hannah and Simon Callow, Kristin Scott Thomas, the horrible wedding clothes, the pretty scenery, and Duckface.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Andy McDowell.

Best Line:
"In the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family..."I think I love you,"

7. When Harry Met Sally

Best Moments: The first conversation in the car, the conversation during Casablanca, the double date, the grand speech at the end.

Best Assets: Meg Ryan's hair, Billy Crystal's line delivery, Carrie Fisher, the horrible 80s wardrobe, the chemistry between Crystal and Ryan.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Billy Crystal is not a pretty man.

Best Line:
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

8.Love, Actually:
[I know a lot of people hate this one...but a lot of people hate fun, too.]

Best Moments: Laura Linney finally kisses her gorgeous man, Andrew Lincoln with the boards, every scene with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman, Hugh Grant dances, Colin Firth in a pond again, every scene with Bill Nighy.

Best Assets: an incredible cast. Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson. Liam Neeson. That girl who sings "All I want for Christmas".

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: I don't like the storyline with the kid, or the Colin-goes-to-the-US, or the way the Laura Linney story ends. But everything else is pretty great.

Best Line:
"-Well, I was worried. I thought it would be something worse.
-Worse than the total agony of being in love?"

9.10 Things I Hate About You:

Best Moments: Heath Ledger sings (see above), the party (and the bit with the swings), the prom, Joseph Gordon Levitt tries to recruit Heath Ledger.

Best Assets: the cast, including Heath Ledger at his sexiest, Joseph Gordon Levitt being adorable (though he does nothing for me), Julia Stiles being great, the dad, the gorgeous location, Allison FRAKKIN Janney.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: The stupid bet, because it's formulaic. But it's pretty easy to forget that it even exists sometimes.

Best Line:
"-Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"?
-As opposed to Planet "Look At Me, Look At Me"?

10.Ever After

Best Moments: the gypsies, the scene at the library, the bit with the ruins, the ball...hell, every scene that the two have together is quite wonderful.

Best Assets: Drew Barrymore's at her most lovable self, Dougray Scott managing to look hot even while wearing a giant cup, Angelica Houston, the beautiful locations, the couple that plays the King and Queen.

Stupid Thing You Need to Ignore: Leonardo da Vinci. It's so dumb it's kind of hilarious.

Best Line:
"-It is not fair, sire. You have found my weakness, but I have yet to learn yours.
-But I should think it was quite obvious.

11.The Matchmaker
[Yep, Janeane Garofalo again. I love her so much]

Best Moments: the singing contest, the pretend family fools the Senator, the whole trip to the Inishmore.

Best Assets: Janeane Garofalo, all of those delightful Irish accents, the scenery, Dennis Leary.

Stupid thing you need to ignore: The sex scene is terribly unsatisfying.''

Best Line:
"-Is being an idiot like being high all the time?
-No, it's like being constantly right."

*****

Honorable Mentions:
-You've Got Mail
-The Philadelphia Story
-It Happened One Night
-The Wedding Singer
-Moonstruck

So, there you go. Hope you get around to watching the ones you haven't seen. And please, be kind in the comments. Remember that these are my personal choices, and I never claim to have flawless taste. So add your own, or fight me if you must.

Book #7: "Dead Until Dark" by Charlaine Harris

2011-02-09T13:23:00.007-06:00

A few of you might know that I am a huge fan of HBO's True Blood series. It's a trashy, hilarious, bizarre show that can be alternatively brilliant and mind-numbingly stupid. For all its flaws, it's quite addictive-- the presence of the gorgeous Alexander Skarsgard doesn't hurt, either, nor does the fact that he's often almost completely naked in it. A lot. And he's tall and...so...um...

*Ahem*

OK! Back to True Blood. It's one of the million shows that's cropped up lately that features vampires, with the one stand-out feature being that these are vampires done right. It's based on Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse series, of which Dead Until Dark is the first book.

Sookie Stackhouse lives in the small, unsophisticated town of Bon Temps in Louisiana. She happens to have the ability to read people's minds, a "condition" that's turned her into a bit of a loner, though she's smart and very self-reliant. The story is set in a world where vampires have come out from hiding and are starting to mingle in human society, thanks the invention of synthetic blood, a nutritious (though not entirely satisfying) substitute for human blood. So, right off the bat we've got a pretty interesting premise. The vampires are the monsters we've all come to know and love: human-like but not really human at all, they're dangerous and feel almost no emotions aside from hunger and lust.

One night a vampire named Bill Compton comes in to the restaurant where Sookie works, and she is immediately drawn to him. It helps that he's the only person whose thoughts she can't read, which makes him a welcome relief. They strike up a strained sort of friendship that quickly develops into physical attraction and lust. The slow build-up of their romance is just flat-out fun to read, because Harris makes the whole thing really bizarre and unusual, so it's not at all your typical romantic story. Meanwhile, there's a serial killer going around Bon Temps killing girls who sleep with vampires, which doesn't bode well for Sookie and her new friend (if you've watched the show, the story is the same as that of the first season). There's also a great cast of colorful supporting characters, which includes some really creepy vampires as well as violent rednecks, wise grandmas, bumbling policemen and even a shape-shifter. Add to that the tensions between humans and vampires, Vampire Elvis and vampire groupies and Sookie's got quite a full plate on her hands.

Told from Sookie's point of view, the book is short and lively, and the problems that usually come with first-person narration are nicely glossed over by Sookie's telepathy. She doesn't have to keep wondering what other people are thinking because she already knows. It was also a relief to see that the Sookie of the books is exponentially less annoying than the Sookie of the series. She's still impulsive and reckless, but she's a lot more likable and sympathetic. Vampire Bill is also much more palatable, being less whiny and delicate and more of a believable anti-hero. I missed the presence of Tara, so I'm guessing she was created specifically for the show.

Dead Until Dark was a fun little introduction to the series. It's saved from being just another silly book about vampires by Harris' great sense of humor and her quick, fun writing. The book is pretty gory and violent at times, and I liked that it didn't seem to take itself too seriously-- it won't win any prizes for sophistication, but it doesn't care. I honestly can't wait to read the rest of the series. At least it'll be a fun way to pass the time until the show comes back and we get more of Eric Northman.

Book #6: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J.K. Rowling.

2011-02-06T11:48:00.004-06:00

Remember when I said that I wasn't going to re-read this book until after the movie came out? Yeah, I lied. I do that a lot. But, come on, the thing was $3 at a used-book store and I couldn't resist.

I think I've said enough about the series in my reviews of the other books (here, here, here, here) to go over it all again. Long story short: Formulaic but almost always enjoyable; good, fun characters and progressively more interesting stories; flawed, but never boring.

That being said, Deathly Hallows is by far the most mature and the darkest book of the series. Our three heroes are on their own as they decide to not return to Hogwarts and spend all their time trying to find and destroy the Horcruxes left behind by Voldemort. They have almost no information to go on, so there's a lot of guesswork and, as usual with Harry Potter, a lot of incredibly lucky coincidences. We're also introduced to a new mystery, that of the Deathly Hallows, which seems to be related to the main quest but isn't really important until the very end.

The best thing about the book is the way that Rowling manages to convey to us just how alone and isolated the kids are this time around. Before, Harry always had adults to rely on when things got dicey. This time around, however, the trio really must rely on what little experience they have (and Hermione's genius), and sometimes their plans go terribly wrong. They're still just teenagers, after all. They have volatile tempers and moments of silliness, all while being quite justifiably terrified and lonely. There are moments when things get downright horrifying-- the trip to Godric's Hollow is a brilliantly told episode right out of a horror story.

The biggest problem for me is the pacing of the story. Rowling has set up a great, complicated, dark mystery for the readers, and for once she is completely free to break away from the well-known formula, just by taking the kids out of Hogwarts. But she wastes the opportunity to do so. Instead, we have the same exhausted formula as with the other books: one long period of mystery and dead-ends, and all the revelations are crammed in at the end of the school year. I understand the logic behind it (they have little time as they progress, etc), but the last fourth of the book just feels terribly rushed. You get used to the slow but comfortable pace of the camping and investigation, and then BLAM! Suddenly you're thrown into an 150mph dive where you get no time to breathe, only a barrage of exposition and information that's just hard to keep track of. It works in the context of the story, but there's just no moment to rest, and that becomes a problem after the rest of the book has been so deliberately paced. I think that, by limiting the timeline to one year, it cheapens the value and difficulty of everything that the kids had to do. This was supposed to take them years, to be incredibly difficult, and when they solve the mystery in a year, you just get the feeling that it wasn't really that difficult to work out. Would have been much easier if Dumbledore hadn't been such an uncommunicative ass.

Luckily, it's only a problem I felt until I was done reading. As you're reading that last fourth of the book is exhilarating, surprising and shocking. Rowling brings out all the big guns, taking things into unexpected, darker territory, and it's a thrill to read. There are moments where the writing it just beautiful--you feel that you're right there on that crazy journey with Harry, and it's a testament to the characters Rowling has created that you feel incredibly deeply for them when they're faced with their final choices. It's beautifully done.

...Until you get to the epilogue. I don't even want to get that into it, because it'll just lead to another long, angry rant (Scorpius? REALLY?). Let's just say that the book ends too abruptly, and the epilogue is far too cutesy and clumsy to follow such an epic ending. There are so many questions unanswered, so many reunions we needed to see but never happened, that we needed so we could feel like the adventure was over for now. It's just terribly unsatisfying. I get the feeling that maybe Rowling was forced into writing a happy epilogue, and so it just feels tacked on and forced. It's too bad, really, because the rest of the book is a great read, and nice, concise ending to Harry's story. It came very close to being perfect, and I was left wanting a little more.

Book #5: "The Life of Elizabeth I" by Alison Weir

2011-02-02T19:11:00.005-06:00

I'll get this one out of the way quickly. It's hard to write about non-fiction books, and I've never quite got the hang of that.

Read this one. It's an incredibly detailed biography of a truly extraordinary woman. It doesn't romanticize or embellish anything, but neither is it dry and lifeless. It would be hard to do that, with such an incredibly story to tell. Alison Weir does a flawless job of relating the life of Elizabeth I, from the moment she was became Queen until the moment she died. But she doesn't just list facts and gathers information from different books; she makes sure to connect the life of Elizabeth to everything that was happening at the time. You can't disconnect a person from the times they lived in, and trying to add modern sensibilities (I'm looking at you, Phillipa Gregory) just belittles their story and insults their legacy.

Weir did extensive research not only into Elizabeth's reign, she looked into everything that went on around her: how she dressed, how she walked, how she spoke, wrote and loved. She goes into great detail about the people who surrounded Elizabeth, how they were affected by her and how she affected them.

It's one of the best biographies I've ever read. A big, heavy book that took me (a pretty fast reader) almost a month to read. But I was never bored. I never got tired or had my mind wander. This book was so rich in detail that I would gladly read it again sometime. I can't recommend it enough.

Book #4: "The Constant Princess" by Phillipa Gregory

2011-01-25T13:06:00.008-06:00

I remember the very instant when this book turned me off. I remember the exact moment when I put the book down and sighed as I understood exactly what this book- about Katherine of Aragon, erstwhile wife of Henry VIII - was going to be like. I knew right then that I wouldn't like it and that it would probably end up making me angry. I knew I would finish it, and I wouldn't enjoy it the process.

It was about four chapters in, when Henry VII, the aging King of England, looks at his son's fiance and thinks about Katherine's "sexy mouth". That word. "Sexy". In a historical novel about Tudor England.

That simple, stupid word brought all my knowledge of bad historical novels crashing down on me. I knew in a flash that this book was going to be tedious, terribly inaccurate and worst of all, painfully cheesy. And I was right.

Listen, I get that people who write historical novels have to embellish their stories from time to time. I get that I'm just supposed to "enjoy the ride", not cringing at every stupid cheesy line in the book that would seem more fitting in a CW prime-time teen drama. I get that you want to make an already interesting story your own. Sometimes it works, if the writer is skilled enough to make the story seem a little bit interesting, but Phillippa Gregory just isn't that kind of author. As it turns out, she's taken what was a truly interesting historical character who lived at a tumultuous time, and she's turned her into the worst sort of whiny Disney princess, who sits at windows pining for true love. And it doesn't even have an interesting Prince and dancing characters to make up for the pathetic Princess.

Here's the true story: Katherine of Aragon was the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain. You know, the Spanish monarchs who sent Columbus off to do his thing. At age 4 she was formally betrothed to Arthur, son of Henry VII and heir to the throne of England. She was sent to England some years later, where she was married to the prince. She was left alone in a country whose language she didn't even speak yet. Her one job was to get married and give England an heir. Unfortunately, Prince Arthur died just a few years later, leaving her a widow and making his younger brother, Henry, the new heir. When Henry became King and needed a wife, Katherine seemed like a good choice. The Pope declared her marriage to Arthur as void, as it had never been consummated (there was wide belief that Arthur was impotent). Henry then married her, finally making her Queen of England. Later, as well all know, Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn and divorced Katherine, claiming that she had lied all along about the consummation of her marriage to Arthur.

See, I think that's a pretty fascinating story, especially the years between Katherine's marriage to Arthur and her subsequent marriage to Henry. Unfortunately, there's very little historical evidence of what those years were like for Katherine, and there's no definite answer to the question of whether Katherine lied about her relationship with Arthur. Gregory takes advantage of this and makes up a story. It's tempting to do that: you have your characters and an overarching plot. Just add some romantic stuff to the parts no one is really sure about. Gregory's idea is that Katherine lied to Henry and everyone else, and that her marriage to Arthur was one of true love--and rainbows and puppies and hot sex. But they didn't tell anyone about it...for some reason.

Yeah. In between whining about how much she misses Spain and whining about how much she wants to be Queen, Katherine falls deeply in love with Arthur. There's really no reason for it, other than, "Why not? It'll make a good romance story!" Gregory's explanation as to why no one ever really knew whether Arthur and Katherine slept together is that he used to sneak into her bedroom when everyone had gone to sleep and they'd have sex for hours, and he would leave before anyone saw them. You might be wondering how this makes any sense, and let me tell you: it doesn't. It's just a stupid plot contrivance that Gregory came up with to get away with writing a fairy tale about a princess who falls in love and then becomes really sad about it.

It's just terribly cheesy and straight out of a Young Adult novel, which I personally think is sort of insulting to the real Katherine. Athur and Katherine whisper sweet nothings to each other like two teenagers in love, instead of two complete strangers in an arranged marriage at a time when marriages were all about business and not love. I get that you want to romanticize it, but this book is just ridiculous. Specially when we know what life was like at that period, and that we know how the story ends. And it takes him just forever to die! It's almost 200 pages of cheesy, chaste little love scenes and rainbows and happiness. I kept muttering for Gregory to just get on with it and kill Arthur so that we could read something more compelling; for example, her far more interesting marriage to Henry VIII. But that just gets relegated to the last few chapters of the book, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Some of the worst parts of the book come in the form of little asides in between actual scenes, which are told from Katherine's point of view. We know this because they're italicized, which makes them easier to skip. Once I got past the eye-rolling stupidity of the passages where a 10 year-old girl sounds like a wise woman of the world, I just started skipping them altogether. Because they were invariably in one of three lines: 1) I so want to be Queen! I was born to be Queen! For...some reason! 2) I love Arthur! he is so cute and sweet and my Prince Charming! and 3) I miss Spain! This is what Spain was like! Let me repeat it 1500 times so you'll get it! It was just ridiculous.

I don't know how I finished it, to be honest. I'd read a couple of pages, roll my eyes so hard they almost fell out of my head, and put the book down to go do something else. I took some notes as I read it. Here's a couple:

-"Tell me a story", said Arthur NO. SHUT UP. ENOUGH STORIES.
-"True Love" PSHAW. THIS IS TUDOR ENGLAND. WHERE IS THE PLAGUE WHEN YOU NEED IT?
-SNORE

You get the idea. This book suffers from a terrible case of "Empty Dress Syndrome", a term perfectly explained by Ranylt Richildis of Pajiba in this review, which is, appropriately enough, about a movie adaptation of another one of Phillippa Gregory's 'romances'. In short: the book is all frill and no substance. There's nothing else there but the illusion of something pretty. And the frill isn't even remotely interesting to look at.

It was just a huge disappointment. I love reading about the Tudors. They were a fascinating family, and the history surrounding them is just rife with great stories for people to tell and read. It's just a shame that Gregory seems to have cornered the market for these stories, because turning them into pathetic little romances just demeans them. As far as I can tell, all of her other books run in the same vein as this one, and it's just not a line I'm interested in pursuing.

Book #3: "Dead of Night" by Randy Wayne White

2011-01-21T11:52:00.006-06:00

This book. Ugh.

This was one of those books I picked up at our house in Honduras, for no other reason than I had nothing else to read. I didn't really want to read it, based on the cover alone: a dark, stormy background, shiny bright letters, a scorpion in the corner. It just screamed "STAY AWAY".

I should have listened to my first instincts. Because this was a stinky, putrid mess of a book that I only remember because of how much I wanted to throw it at the wall.

Apparently, this was part of a series of books about the adventures of Doc Ford (*groan*) a former NSA Agent who is now a Marine Biologist in Florida. This was never explained; not in the blurb at the back or in the book itself. Now, it might be entirely my fault for not realizing that this was part of a series, but I would at least expect an author to give you a brief explanation of who this guy is, even if it's a one-paragraph bit of exposition. As it was, I was just honestly confused as to why this nerdy, unlikable character would run after some Evil Russian Minions after he finds them torturing some guy. It was still never explained properly-- there were only hints at some 'dark past' and 'mysterious operations' and random characters popping up that I suppose have some significance to the story. At least make an effort for readers who may not know the whole story. Am I asking for too much here? It doesn't really matter, though. I don't think there's any way I could have even begun to care about this obnoxious character, so a dossier of his life might only have made him more annoying.

As to the story itself, it was pretty pathetic. Some Evil Doctor is planning Evil Deeds from his Evil Lair in the Bahamas. His Evil Plan consists of releasing flesh-eating parasites into the waters of Florida (specifically the area around Disney World), with the purpose of driving everyone out so he can come in and buy cheap real estate. Then he would get rid of the parasites, and he could sell the land at great profit. Seems to me like a pretty round-about way of making some money. Specially when this Evil Doctor is so incompetent as to not even have a cure for the parasites when he first starts in on the plan. He sends some minions (Russian, of course) to torture some poor scientist, and Doc Ford catches them at it--they're not very good Minions. Then he's brought in on all the intrigue of some guy importing dangerous animals into Disney World. Or something.

All that is really just a stupid, incompetently drawn background. None of it makes any sense, and you get the feeling that White just wanted to show off how cool he thinks Doc Ford is. We spend much of the book following Doc Ford (that name just keeps making me cringe) on his stupid Harriet the Spy adventures in Florida. Watch as he tries to poorly investigate a murder, with his collection of stupid, badly drawn characters that we're supposed to find charming! Watch as he studies some things in his lab for 30 pages! Watch as he is Condescending and Bitchy to everyone he knows! He just wants to go surfing, man! Watch as we learn about sharks, which have nothing to do with this plot! Watch as he has relationship problems with someone off-screen! And finally, Read all about White's Research on Icky Animals! He can do research!

In short, it was an utter, painful bore.

The biggest problem, though, isn't the stupid plot or the lack of anything remotely exciting to read: it's the characters. Doc Ford is a condescending, unlikable ass of a person, and I kept waiting for the Evil (and Sexy) Russian Spy to kick his ass. He spouts bad one-liners from the book of bad James Bond Wannabes and he spends a lot of time hating all the work he has to do. The Evil and Sexy Russian Spy is nothing but that. She's sexy and she's evil. Apparently she has some ulterior motives that are never properly explained--at the end of it I didn't even know (or care) whose side she had been on. Doc Ford has some friends that don't really matter, including a stupid hippie and a Sassy Black Lady who is always off-screen, probably because she's too interesting to hang out with this dullard. He has a son who goes by the incredibly stupid name of Laken (who lives in "Central America" because everyone knows that place is just one giant country) and a pregnant fiance by the even stupider name of Dewey. It's like a collection of horrendous names and annoying characters. I didn't care about a single one of them. I kept wondering if I would have cared had I read the other books, but I didn't want to read the other books, and nothing could compel me to do so now.

And that was just the biggest problem in that soup of horribleness. The writing was terribly clunky, the pacing was all off-key and the sad attempts at action and suspense were just plain boring. There's plenty of deaths and gruesome details; but they're really worth nothing when everything else is a confusing mess of events happening off-screen while Doc Ford goes to a bar with his stupid hippie friend.

It's not worth it, really, getting so annoyed at this book. It was forgettable and trashy, the kind of thing that people buy at airports and then just "happen" to leave in a hotel room to rot until it can torture someone else. It's Michael Crichton For Dummies. You could do worse, I guess. But as for me, I'm just going to stay the hell away from Mr White and Doc Ford forever.

PS: As for the title? Bullshit! Nothing ever happens at night in this book. Stop trying to sound mysterious, sir.

Book #2: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" by JK Rowling

2011-01-19T11:38:00.004-06:00

Here's the multi-million dollar question:

Why the hell am I reviewing this now?

And here's the 2 cent answer:

Because I had planned on reviewing it for the last Cannonball, but my sister ended up taking the books with her to college and I was too cheap to buy a new copy.

Fascinating.

So what does one say about an immensely popular book that came out in 2005 (holy crap, really? I feel so old) and that everyone and their sister has read?

Well, I really liked it. After the giant wad of nothingness that was Order of the Phoenix, this one was a lot meatier and a lot less infuriating. There were some fantastic scenes peppered in, a lot of sweet little moments and a lot of making fun of how lame Ron is, which is always rewarding. It's also even darker and more mature than any of the other books in the series, and by now I think everyone knows about the incredibly depressing ending.

The basic plot (yeah, don't even pretend like you don't know) has Harry in his 6th year at Hogwarts, with Voldemort finally back in power and starting to do some nasty things. Mysterious things happen at the school, there's a lot of Quidditch and teenage relationship problems, he has some interesting meetings with Dumbledore and there's a big battle at the end. You know, like with every other book in the series.

The overarching mystery this time is unfortunately rather pathetic. Harry suspects that Draco Malfoy is up to some shenanigans, and he spends the entire book trying to find out what it is while nobody listens to him (because, fuck, after 6 books of being right, why should anyone listen to Harry?). There's also the matter of who the Half-Blood Prince is, because...well, actually, no one really cares and that whole plot is a big dud. Basically, Harry gets a used Potions book with some mysterious annotations, and suddenly he's a genius at Potions. OH HOW MYSTERIOUS AND EXCITING. Let us spend 500 pages in trying to find out what some snotty little asshole is doing in secret and trying to figure out who was the little shit who vandalized a schoolbook. THE FIEND.

Luckily, it's not just Harry Potter and the Mystery of Draco's Night-Time Wanderings (He Probably Just Wanted Some PRIVACY, Potter), though there's entirely too much time devoted to that.

Oh, alright, the Draco thing is actually pretty cool in the end. And in between that and the MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY OF THE TEXTBOOK VANDALIZER, there's some rather cool stuff. Specifically, Harry starts meeting up with Dumbledore so that they can find out about what Voldemort was like in his youth. While there's a bigger purpose to that, the scenes dealing with the meetings themselves (which include diving into people's memories as has been seen before in the series) are really well done. Turns out that Voldemort was an evil little weirdo from the start, and the big revelation at the end is actually quite shocking, and nicely sets up the final book in the series. It's a nice departure from the usual deal where Dumbledore never tells Harry anything until the final scenes; which, incidentally, always made me think that Dumbledore was kind of a dick.

Rowling is admittedly formulaic, and the book suffers from the usual problems of the other series: namely, that we pretty much know exactly how the book is going to go (Harry goes to school, everything is swell until a mystery shows up, the kids try to figure it out on their own until the end when there's a big battle that Harry survives and then Dumbledore explains everything at the end). To Rowling's credit, however, it's still an exciting read. She knows her characters, and sometimes it's just fun to sit back and read about the relationship problems of three teenagers who can do magic but are still kinda dumb about such bizarre things as dating and (*gasp*) kissing. She's great at going from moments of total silliness to some pretty serious and dark events, and the world of the book (which completely falls apart if you even begin to think about it too much) is entertaining enough that you never really get bored in the non-action scenes.

On a tangent, it's a shame that the movie adaptation for this book wasn't better. The problem with the movies has always been that they're just a reel of highlights from the books, and sure it's nice to see good moments if you've read the books, but if you aren't a fan you'll just be incredibly confused. And you'll miss out on some great moments like finding out about Voldemort's past in favor of some of the more lighthearted stuff like "ooh! kids are kissing!". You can't really do justice to so much material in the course of an hour and a half, though I wish they had tried a little harder.

So, after that entirely too-long diatribe, I can just tell you that this is a pretty great book, and one of the best in the series. It would be silly to read it without going through the other five, so don't try that, you shameless cheater. I'd highly recommend reading it before watching the final movies, because otherwise you'll probably be very confused.

Now you'll have to wait a bit for my review of the final book in the series (I know you're all at the edges of your seats), because I don't have a copy, I can't get a library card yet and I can't decide if I should re-read it first or after I watch the final movie. FIGGY POTTER AND THE INCREDIBLY HARD DECISION PLUS THE LIBRARY CARD ADVENTURE! now in stores!

Now clickey here.

Book #1: "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller

2011-01-17T20:30:00.005-06:00

Oh, well, what the hell.

I first read this book when I was only 16 years old. I didn't even know English very well back then, and I distinctly remember that large portions of the book went directly over my head. And I still enjoyed the hell out of it.

Imagine my surprise when I re-read it ten years later and my reaction was, well, almost exactly the same as it had been back then.

To put it in a few words, Catch-22 is confusing, disjointed and disorienting as all hell. And it's one of the funniest books I have ever read. This time around I was able to pick up on so many more of the (sometimes admittedly groan-inducing) jokes that Heller has sprinkled all over book. I was able to keep better track of the 15 thousand characters that show up at completely random moments, and to keep a slightly less-slippery grasp of the story, which hops from place to place sometimes within the same sentence.

It's hard to write about this book, because where the hell do you even begin? There's no such thing as a linear story, and the best way to sum it up is this: There's this guy in the army at the end (or...the beginning) of World War 2. His name is John Yossarian, and he's a pilot who doesn't want to fly any more missions, because he thinks that everyone is out to kill him. "They're out to kill everybody", he's told. But he takes it personally. But he's told he can't get grounded, because the only people who get grounded are the crazy ones. But the crazy ones don't want to get grounded, so they fly more missions. Yossarian is clearly not crazy, because he doesn't want to die. Got that? That's Catch-22.

Are you as confused as I was trying to write that? Good, because this whole book is like that. It has a beginning, sure, and an ending, but shortly after the first two pages Heller goes back in time, then a little bit forwards, then further back, the further ahead, and soon you have absolutely no idea of where you are. You just know that there's some guy named Milo who feeds the squadron cotton balls covered in chocolate, and a chaplain, and a guy with named Major Major Major Major. And it's all outrageously funny. Sometimes. Most of the time. Sometimes the book can get incredibly depressing, specially towards the end.

And that's kind of the point, really. Heller is trying to tell you that war is confusing and dehumanizing. That everyone is equally ridiculous and absurd, but that things can also be deathly serious. When you sit down and think about the world that Yossarian is stuck in, it seems like that is what hell would be like.

It's definitely not a book for everyone. I've often heard people saying they couldn't keep reading, because the story was too confusing. Too many characters, too much absurdist nonsense. And that's true, but that's exactly why I loved it. You never known where the book is headed, and I actually enjoyed feeling like my head was spinning after reading certain parts of the book.

I'd say give it a try. You'll either love it or hate it, but hopefully you'll laugh as hard as I did. I always recommend this book to everyone I meet, though maybe sometimes I shouldn't. I just think everyone should give it a try and make up their own minds.

Then you'd be in on the joke, and you'd know the answer to eternal questions such as "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"

The Cannonball Starts!

2011-01-14T12:16:00.003-06:00

Here's a very important tip for all you Cannonballers:

Never wait too long to write a book review. If you can, write it immediately after you've finished the book. Otherwise, you'll get lazy as I did and then have the books pile up so that you'll have 5 reviews to write and you can't even remember how you felt about the first few books.

So that's where I'm at. I've begun the reading strong, but since I was home and surrounded by people, I couldn't get into the writing mood. Now have to get myself there again, and it's a pain, because I revel in the laziness of winter.

So far I've read 3 books--two excellent, one quite horrible. The one I'm currently on is a massive bore and I'm forcing myself to get through it quickly, even though I want to put it down every couple of pages. But I must persevere. I've also been reading a fifth on my iPod while at airports and such, so I must make myself finish it.

And through all, I think I'm going to be doing reviews of Breaking Dawn. Because obviously, I hate myself. But I admit that the Twilight reviews were a lot of fun to write (tunnel vision, yay!) and I think they made a lot of people laugh. Plus it'll keep me writing and get me another book on the list.

Onwards! I'll get started on that first review right now.

Torn.

2011-01-11T18:18:00.004-06:00

I'm wondering if it's always going to be like this.

I've spent all year in Dallas wanting to visit Honduras for at least a little while. To see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room to read during sunset, to enjoy my family and eat some tortillas.

And now I've done it, and I spent far too much time wishing I was back in Texas; with my husband, my bed, my own place, my own food.

Now it's time to leave Honduras again--and I don't want to. Because I won't get to see my dogs, to sit in my favorite room and read during sunset, won't get to see my family again for another, too-long while.

I suppose it'll never really go away, this feeling of being divided between two places I call home. I'm thinking that my sense of Dallas as 'home' will grow stronger over time; but I'll never get over missing this beautiful house, this crazy family.

And I'm getting tired of saying goodbye to my family. Too much crying.

I guess for now, it's still a little heartbreaking every time I leave one place for the other. And that's alright, because I don't ever want to lose the ties I have to this place.

I guess that's what growing up is all about.

Checking in...

2011-01-04T10:16:00.002-06:00

So I'm finally back in Tegucigalpa after a very long 5 days in Copan Ruinas. I've got a very long post to write about it and my brother's wedding (which was quite wonderful), but that'll have to wait until, well, until I'm not feeling so damn lazy*. Chalk it up to not having slept right for the past three days and having barely made up on any sleep last night.

That's it for now. Just wanted to check in and let the world know I'm mostly alive and well, and planning to eat all the mantequilla and cheese in Honduras until the day I leave. Whee!

*And until I get a better keyboard. I decided that lugging around my laptop wasn't worth the trouble and I've only brought along my iPod Touch. I'm on family computer right now, and the keyboard is pretty terrible. So you'll just have to sit there and wait.

uuugh.

2010-12-28T01:56:00.003-06:00

Just a quick post to check in, though I really should write a longer account of the holidays but I'm beyond exhausted right now and don't think I can manage much.

So: we had a wonderful Christmas with lots of presents and food and games at my in-laws' house, though we got there a couple of days later than we had planned because the car crapped out. Then it finished crapping out on Sunday: the day we were supposed to get back home. Awesome. Specially because our anniversary was today.

It...wasn't very good, but I cried enough about it today that it's really all a blur. The entire day was spent thus: MrFig and his dad (who was just awesome) trying to fix the car, me in the guest house watching bad TV and napping (and yeah, crying at one point because feh, I had to), MrFig's mom cooking delicious lunch for us all, and everyone just being anxious because we needed to get back home today. So on and so forth, until 6pm.

And finally, we came home. We borrowed MrFig's brother's car (huzzah for great in-laws!) and got in at about 11pm. I rested for a bit and packed, showered and got on the computer while poor MrFig slept a little bit.

So went our first anniversary. It's a good thing that neither one of us is really crazy about celebrating these things with big shindigs, but we had been planning for at least a fancy dinner out and some champagne and our wedding cake (eew). But, well, things just don't work out sometimes. We'll celebrate properly when I get back from Honduras (January 12th), and really, at this point? I'm just glad to be home.

Now I wait an hour and a half or so before we have to drive to the airport in 40 degree weather. I check in, fly to Houston, wait for an hour, fly to Honduras where it'll be a nice and balmy 80 degrees. I can't wait to see everyone: a year is way too long for me to be away from home.

I can't wait to see my dogs.

I'll try and check in as soon as I get in, though it might get dicey what with me not taking my laptop this time. It might be a huge mistake, but the thing is bulky and the power chord is broken so I couldn't even take it anywhere. I'm taking my crappy iPod Touch (it's used and the buttons are just totally wonky) and hope it'll keep me entertained. Whenever it doesn't, I'll steal my mom's computer. Bwah.

I'm so tired I feel a little dizzy. I think I'll have a Dr Pepper.

So, catch you all on the flipside. Send good travel vibes.

Cannonball, Part 3!

2010-12-20T07:42:00.002-06:00

Here's something exciting: The Cannonball Read is back!

As you'll recall, it's basically a challenge created by Pajiba, in which you try to read as many books as you can in a year. The ultimate goal is 100 (which I barely managed to do in 2009), but you can do 52 (one per week), or even half of that. Whatever you're up to doing. The other part of the challenge is that you write a short review for said book, which I admit really got exhausting after the first 50 or so. By the end I wasn't even trying, which was pretty pathetic of me, and I hope to do much better this time.

The best thing is that anyone can participate, even if you're not really familiar with Pajiba. But you should be, because, well, it's awesome.

Read the full info on the challenge here. It starts off January 1st, so it might be a little dicey for me what with New Year's hangovers and a wedding the next day, but I'll do my best to start out then. I've decided to start with Catch-22, which I've read before, albeit something like 10 years ago (it's preferable if you haven't read the books for the challenge, but I think they're pretty flexible about that). Actually, I started to read it about a week ago, but didn't get very far, what with work and everything, so I'll give myself a couple of days into 2011 before I begin. Meanwhile, I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban for the fifteenth time or so, mostly because it was just sitting there.

So, there it is. I'm getting myself a library card and going to town with reading. Hope some of you join in! Check back here in 2011 for my reviews, which I promise to put a little effort into this time. 100 books baby! And just to make it harder on myself, I'll try to read one new book for every re-read I do. I need some new material.

Going back to the boring real world stuff...

2010-12-16T17:08:00.003-06:00

Alright, so enough with the dilly-dallying and the 'oh I have nothing interesting to say' bullshit because I want to update and I WILL and who cares if it's not the most exciting thing in the world. Right? Right. So, here's a bullet-point list of shit that's on my mind today, because there's a lot of it and I like bullet points. But not bullets. Go figure.

- Going home in 12 days. Eeeeeeee! It's been a year and 7 days, now. I think it's the longest I've ever been away from home before. I almost did a whole year one time when I was in college, but this is definitely the longest. I feel like I'll die if I don't eat a real Honduran tortilla soon.
-So, going home for my older brother's wedding. Eee! We're spending New Year's together in beautiful Copan Ruins. Then the wedding's on the 2nd and I'm home til the 13th. I'm going alone because tickets are way too expensive for both Graham and I to go, so alas. But still! Exciting.
-So I have a dress for the wedding. But I want new shoes for it. And I just went to every single shoe store at the mall today and found FUCK ALL. Everything seems to be either boring old flats (no!) or gigantic 5 inch platform heels that just makes me think that some women must have a death wish. How do you WALK in those? Besides they just make your feet look gigantic. Ugh. And the ones I liked were either $300 (um, no) or in the wrong color. It's driving me insane.
-Oh, yeah. I've quit my job. At least I put in a two-week's notice last week. Last day is December 21st. I should probably feel terrified, but truth be told I'm nothing but relieved. I only planned on staying on til the end of the year, anyway, and it really wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Plus it was just kind of miserable. I'll miss some of my coworkers, but overall it was just a temporary thing, and I won't miss the exhaustion at the end of the day.
-The plan is to finally get to work on getting my teacher's degree next year. I badly want to go back to teaching, and just making a decent salary for once. That'd be nice.
- Christmas shopping DONE. Mostly. I'd write the details here but I suspect some family members might read this so hush, hush. I love Christmas. Can't wait.

So, that's a start. I'll try to get back into the hang of this, since it's been so damn long since I've written anything that's not a facebook status. That's kind of pathetic.

Songs I love by Artists I Don't Like So Much

2010-11-12T21:48:00.006-06:00

I'm working on finally finishing the damned Twilight monstrosity, but to hold you over in your surely uncontainable excitement, here's a new feature I'd like to introduce.

As you can see from the very eloquent title up there, it's well, songs I love by artists I can't stand. You know, for all my snobbishness when it comes to TV, movies and books, I've never really been very big on music elitism. I can't really explain or understand it, but I've never worked myself up about certain singers or bands, with perhaps the notable exceptions of Elton John or, well, the Backstreet Boys when I was 15. I think after that I started to realize that bands come and go, and that I really did like a little bit of every type of music (even rap and country, bwah). And while there are artists that I truly do despise, I still let myself like something by people that only bother me and that I normally ignore. For example, I'll steer clear of anything by Katy Perry, I'll let something by Mariah Carey skate on by if I like the song enough. Point is: if I like a song, I'll like a song, and who is singing it won't matter unless it's under extreme circumstances.

All that confusing rant has led me to is this: I actually like a song by Avril Lavigne. Yes, she's a silly little girl pretending to be a punk rocker in the most laughable manner possible, but I still like this song for some damn reason. I think I just heard it at the appropriate time-- we weren't all exhausted by the tiny chick with the raccoon eyes, and I was just in the right mood to hear it and for it to endear itself to me.

Plus, it's just a nice little song. The lyrics are immature, of course, and her voice is quite obviously weak in parts, but there's something I like about it. And here ends my pathetic attempt at writing about music-- mostly I just like a song and I can't really be bothered to explain or understand why. So I'll just post the freakin' song already.

Here's "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne:

[Full disclosure: I didn't even watch the video]

And yes, I realize I just admitted to the internet that I like an Avril Lavigne song. And I posted it on my blog. That's the fun of it!

The Pain: Chapter 24 (finally)

2010-10-20T13:46:00.005-05:00

Holy crap, I STILL haven't finished this? I could've sworn I had, because there's no other excuse for how long it's taken me to get to the final chapter of the monstrosity. Well, aside from the fact that work's been insane and I just haven't, you know, missed these assholes. But let's do it, so we can all move on with our lives and I can finally wash my hands off this damned thing.

Into the breach once more, dear friends! Sparkletard, activate!

*Schwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

****
CHAPTER 24: AN IMPASSE
(Look! I can use the dictionary to look up them fancy words!)

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 43

Quick and Hard Summary:
Just to bring us all up to speed: Bella fell into Eeeeeevil James' brain-crushingly stupid trap and was attacked in a ballet studio. Just after she'd been both beaten and bitten (yay, alliteration) she is saved by the Cullens, who arrive as she's passing out so we miss all the good stuff. Edward is forced to save her by sucking out the vampire poison that James infected her with (which would turn her into a vampire, which is what she really wants all along), and she is saved. Ta-daa. Caught up? OK, so in this one she wakes up in the hospital, where they make up some story for the doctors that is worthy of any battered woman in denial. It's really gross, even grosser is the horrible dependency that comes out of Bella. She talks to her mom, and it's pretty gross too. Everything is gross, but nothing is grosser than all the lovey-dovey talk these two asshole teenagers engage in near the end. Plus, there's an epilogue, which is just beyond laughable. Let's get to the meat in this shit sandwich.

Real-Time Notes:
--She wakes up. Dammit. she's in the hospital. her first words are "Edward" because JESUS WOMAN. ASK AFTER YOUR FUCKING FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THERAPY FOR YOUR SICKENING DEPENDENCY. FUCK.

[That's my angry voice. In case you couldn't tell. I find it hilarious that that's exactly what I wrote down when I was reading it. Not changing a word. Therapy, indeed.]

-44
"Edward?" I turned my head slightly, and his exquisite face was just inches from mine, his chin resting on the edge of my pillow."

Then she apologizes for what happened, which, great, good way to start.

-"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You have to admit, it could happen."

*snort* the sad thing is everyone would believe that story...as they would believe any story they concocted if Eddie hurt her, by the way. Creepy. "Oh, no that bruise isn't from Edward hugging me too hard! I ran into a door, honest!"

-He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile. "I must love you." "Don't I taste as good as I smell?" I smiled in response. That hurt my face.
"Even better — better than I'd imagined."

OK dude that's just disgusting. HE SUCKED YOUR FUCKING BLOOD YOU INFINITELY GIANT TWAT. I mean, just. *horf*. Also it's even weirder if you just think of the 'sucking blood' as, well, sex. Which is obviously what it's meant to be. Listen, girls! A good boyfriend will stop because he really loves you!

-"I'm sorry," I apologized. He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Of all the things to apologize for." "What should I apologize for?" "For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever." "I'm sorry," I apologized again."

HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK HEAD DESK

WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU FUCKWIT. OK, so yes, you were a complete fucking idiot for falling into the trap, but the Cullens knew you're a fucking idiot and still they were dumber than you and let you get away. And they didn't kill James before, when it would've been so easy to do it. So I guess it's everyone's fault. But shut the fuck up, Bella. Stop doing everything your boyfriend says.

"Say you're a banana." "Yes, Edward. I'm a banana." "Good girl!"

FUCK.

[Note: When I saw this in my notes I wasn't sure if it was an actual quote or if I had written it. Tells you something about the quality of the Poop's writing, doesn't it? I mean, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if there was a line exactly like that in the book somewhere.]

-So Emmet and Jasper killed James, whatever. I guess they were so incompetent that the one way they could deal with him was if he was trapped in a tiny room by himself. Good job, dudes. You're so manly.

- "Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…" I rolled my eyes. I was pleased to discover that this reaction, at least, was pain-free. I decided to change the subject."

Jeebus, Bella for ONCE think about yourself and not how your goddamn creepy fucktard controlling monster fucking fucking FUCK of a boyfriend feels.

Aaah feels good to get that off my chest. I hate this guy SO MUCH.
[Oh, the rage...]

-Uh-huh. So the story they'll tell her parents is that Bella drove out to see the Cullens, and then she fell down the stairs. They'll believe this shit? What kind of parents are these?
-"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again."

Jesus Christ on a cracker.
-"Friday?" I was shocked. I tried to remember what day it had been when… but I didn't want to think about that."

That means Poop couldn't be bothered to think of something. Hilarious.

-Mom comes in, they chatter mindlessly. Apparently Mom thinks Bella wants to move back in with her which, HA! Poor, poor Mom. You rasied a spoiled, entitled little brat who is so utterly dependent on her boyfriend that she can't take two steps without him. There's no way she's going anywhere with you.

-"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…"

WELL, THAT'S OK THEN. Let's not forget that she also got seriously hurt while being with him and she doesn't have any other friends and she's freakishly dependent on him...jeebus, with a mother like that, no wonder Bella is so monumentally stupid. It's like, you look at Dina Lohan and you understand exactly why Lindsay Lohan turned out the way she did.

-Blahblah, Eddie's all "I should leave you" and didn't we go through all this before? yes we did. At painful, agonizing length. You're too horny, Eddie, and she's too stupid. Therefore, you'll stick around each other like poisonous leeches. The end.

- "Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice."

This girl is freaking me out. And after she KNOWS she can be hurt by him AND his kind. DO YOU SEE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?! Poop has some massive issues, people. Hey girls, throw yourselves at your boyfriend who almost just got you killed, because helplessness is so attractive, and crying and sobbing is the way to keep 'em!

- "Do you swear you won't leave me?" I whispered. I tried to control the gasping, at least. My ribs were throbbing."

Good God this girl has serious psychological problems, doesn't she? Goooood lord!

-"Why did you say that?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"

-Edward is finally making a good point about how this is all his fault and YES YES IT IS HIS FAULT. But Bella's all "no it's all me" and blah blah don't ever feel guilty about how hurt I get!

Those two fucking deserve each other. I guess that's one good thing about this horrible couple: they won't go infect the world with their horribleness once they have each other. It's pretty much how I feel about most celebrity couples.

-"He heard the change in my tone. His eyes tightened. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," he added roughly."

Oh, well that's just fucking fabulous and SOOOOOOOO romantic, isn't it? Ugh, Edward's such a pansy. Man up and move to Paris and get you some french hookers or something. Be the stereotypical man for once!

- He doesn't promise he'll never leave. Snerk. Thus, Poop sets up the entire plot of the next book, by the way.

"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."

Bitch, PLEASE. You're Jimmy fucking Olsen. You're the shit stain on the bottom of Superman's shoes. Also how is Eddie anywhere near...just...I'll stop. That statement is too fucking stupid to pay too much attention to.

-Bella wants him to turn her into a vampire, whee.

"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." I was getting better at this. It was easy to admit how much I needed him."

I.E: "Fuck my mom, fuck my dad, fuck those people who seem to care about me for some reason. The fuck do they matter? I Want to be with my pretty boy friend." This chick, honestly.

-*snerk* she basically says she doesn't give a shit about them. They're gonna die anyway, right?

-"I glared at him. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."

NOOOOOOOOO NOT OLD OHMYGAWD.

-Christ, Eddie, you know what? she will NEVER stop whining about this. EVER. Just fucking turn her already so we can get it over with?

- "Alice already saw it, didn't she?" I guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."

HAHAHAHA NICE. Also notice how Poop just told us how the series ends. No need to even read the rest of the books. Oh, Poop. You are a marvel of incompetence.

-"I will," he promised. His voice was beautiful, like a lullaby. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."

Blargh.

But you know, aside from Mom and Dad, whom Bella clearly Doesn't give a shit about, what's so bad about becoming a vampire, specially with these hippie sparkly jackasses? as I've said before: NOTHING AT ALL. She'll have all eternity to learn and whatever, she won't gain weight from eating, she won't have to worry about money, ever, she'll be with her stupid pretty boyfriend and she'll be covered in body jewelry. But no, we have to make it a dumbass conflict for no reason at all. FAIL.

AND I HAVE REACHED THE EPILOGUE. HALLELUJAH.

Final Impression: Wrong on so many levels.

Final "Pretty" Count: 45

Final Grade: Fuck this, I'm making myself a sandwich.

I've become one of them--the never-updating blogger

2010-10-05T04:30:00.003-05:00

Gah. I've become one of those people who's always 'shocked' when they don't update, write an update about said shock, and don't update again for a month.

Sorry, guys. But the new job thing, when it's not killing any free time I have, kills my motivation and energy levels enough so that the last I want to try and do is write. Specially about Twilight. Brrr. On the other hand I always do feel good when I write something and let out some much-accumulated steam, so I should listen to myself more often and stop being so damn lazy and update.

So here you are: a 4:32am update. Entering the exciting world of Adulthood means that I have to be in at work at 7am, and because I don't have a car I need to take a bus, a train, and then another bus, all of which turns what would be a 15 minute car ride into a one hour trip on public transportation. It's not bad, actually- certainly miles above and beyond the system in Tegucigalpa, so I shouldn't even complain. Plus, having to take the bus is the only reason why I don't have to start at 6am or earlier. Brrr, again.

The job itself is pretty basic: the very definition of entry-level that takes few skills but a lot of energy and an understanding that you'll be working much harder than people a few steps above you. But it's a job, and at this point they've been the only ones to call me back, so I'm not complaining. I only really mind the early mornings; even the bad pay is alright because anything is good after two years of not making any money at all. And at least now I'll be able to list a job in the US as experience on my resume. And I like the physical activity of it, if maybe not the fact that I come home feeling pretty damn tired. But overall I just like the fact that I'm doing something again. I work with an alright group and though sometimes it can get chaotic at least I'm standing out to my bosses in a positive way. I'm thinking of staying on at least until Christmas- it's retail, so I wouldn't get many hours at all after that anyway.

In other news, the summer has FINALLY ended and we can all rejoice over that. I've never been so hot in my life, but I think I should be better about it next year when I'll be more used the shock if 110 degrees. It's actually about 54 degrees outside and the days have just been glorious. About damn time.

So, I'll go take a shower now and head off to the trenches once more. I'll try and get a few more chapters of "Breaking Dawn" (BRRR) in, and finally finish "Twilight" (or did I finish? can't even remember).

Don't forget to read my Project Runway recaps on Pajiba, they're the best on the planet. Or so I hear.

The Pain: Chapter 23

2010-09-20T15:19:00.004-05:00

9 days with no updates? What's wrong with me? How could I neglect it so?

Truth is I've just been having a life for the first time in two years. Have the job, which is good but makes me get home in a state of sheer exhaustion such that the very idea of posting something here makes me sleepier. And last weekend I went out with a ton of awesome Pajibans: Melody, Snuggiepants, Intern Rusty, Ian, GP, Smokin and Blonde_Savant. It was beyond fantastic, though of course it means nothing to you if you're not a Pajiban, though I wonder how many people who read this aren't.

Anyway, I need to finish The Pain and quick. Get it over with. I haven't read past chapter one of Breaking Dawn, but I promise I'll try to advance. That is, if anyone is even interested in more angry ramblings at what most people call the worst book of the series. Worse than Twilight. Good God. But I guess I'll give it a try once I settle my schedule at work and learn how to do things earlier in the day.

So let's finish this bitch. Mercy kill. The second-to-last chapter. It's a short one.

*****

CHAPTER 23: THE ANGEL
[...who sucks people's blood to stay alive. Lovely.]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 41

Quick n Hard Summary:
So James set up a retarded trap for Bella at the ballet studio, and she went there and got attacked after much monologuing on his part. She got thrown against some mirrors and passed out. And then the Cullens arrived and killed James. All this while Bella was passed out, so we don't get to read about ANY of it. Because of course the only possibly exciting stuff always happens offscreen. GOOD JOB, MEYER. Anyway. They see that James bit Bella, so she's been poisoned. Carlisle makes Edward drink her blood "to suck out the poison". Uh huh.

Real-Time Notes:

-She sorta wakes up.

"Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted. "Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror."

"The only heaven I wanted?" The fuck does that even mean? I hate Poop's pathetic attempts at being poetic more than anything else in this book.

-Wait, so...um, the Cullens have arrived and killed James most brutally in a fire--and this ALL HAPPENED WHILE BELLA WAS UNCONSCIOUS. What this means is that the ONLY REAL ACTION IN THE ENTIRE DAMNED BOOK happened off screen because our fucktarded protagonist WAS PASSED OUT. If you're gonna have the protagonist be the narrator, at least KEEP THEM AWAKE FOR WHEN SHIT HAPPENS. But noooooo instead she bores us to fucking death while TweedledeeSparks and TweedledeeKlutz stare at each other for 200 pages.

-"Yes, I wanted to say. Anything. But I couldn't find my lips."

Oh COME ON, Poop. I know you want to make the girl seem stupid, but COME ON. don't you mean her voice? HER LIPS? THE FUCK?

I JUST BOUGHT MYSELF A NEW PAIR, TOO. GAWD.

42
-"Carlisle!" the angel called, agony in his perfect voice. "Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" And the angel was sobbing tearless, broken sobs."

How is a voice "perfect"?

Well, at least she's consistent and doesn't have Eddie cry actual tears. Though, how totally sweet would it be if he were to cry tears of blood like they do on True Blood? HOW GORGEOUS WOULD HE LOOK THEN, BELLA?!

-Bella's all mangled. Eddie's all distraught and tearing at his beard and shit and I just DO NOT CARE. I want the bitch dead, Poop. Just kill her or make her a vampire already. Those are the only two ways in which she'd ever be interesting, and the vampirism is a stretch.

-"My hand is burning!" I screamed, finally breaking through the last of the darkness, my eyes fluttering open. I couldn't see his face, something dark and warm was clouding my eyes. Why couldn't they see the fire and put it out?"

Honestly, have you ever run across clunkier narration? It's so stilted and completely lacking in any kind of emotion, which is a rather amazing feat considering that it's a book told IN THE FIRST PERSON.

Also: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE IS ON FIRE BUT NOT REALLY AND SHE IS SCREAMING I AM BURNING AND I AM CRACKING UP BECAUSE THIS IS SO FUCKING DUMB HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA THE BEEES AAAAAAGH NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEES! WHY'D IT GET BURNED?!

-*ahem*

The Cullens finally realize that James bit her. About three hours later, because they're all dumbasses. Whee!!! and remember how one bite apparently turns you into a vampire, which is like the stupidest fucking thing ever and I think Poop confused vampires with zombies, which is just like her and not surprising at all and it just makes her even dumber than I thought she could possibly be.

That's a lot of "which"s.

-And so, of course, the one solution (which, again, makes no sense at all but is just so fucking, monumentally stupid that it's perfect somehow) is for Eddie to 'suck out the poison'. Like James was a snake.

43
"Finally, I could see his perfect face, staring at me, twisted into a mask of indecision and pain."

I love how it's perfect and twisted at the same time. Because that makes perfect sense. Constipation face is kind on no one, Poop. HA. See what I did there? *rimshot*

-Eddie bites her and it hurts and whatever. This means Eddie's got a taste of her. I think it's like getting to first base for him. Probably the closest he's been to a girl, ever.

Though I guess he didn't bite her, just suck her blood, because biting causes sparklyness. She's saved. Much to our disgust.

-So I guess they burn James, and that is it.

-That's it for that chapter. That's it. A build up of 40 pages, and it all concludes with Bella passing out and waking up to Eddie rescuing her. It's the most pathetic, most brutally stupid and insipid 'climax' I have ever read in my life. It's painfully clear that Poop either didn't know how or just couldn't be bothered to write a real action scene. I'm guessing it's the first. She's not nearly talented enough to try, or to even contemplate writing an action sequence. So we have the narrator pass out, miss everything, and wake up to a conclusion that even the dumbest person could see coming a mile away. It's like falling asleep during the final climactic battle sequence and waking up when it's over, and suddenly everything is OK. What's the fun of reading that? Hell, what's the fun of writing it? Goddamn, that was weak. All so that we could have yet another grand savior moment brought about by everyone's stupidity.

Final Impression: Brutally stupid.

Final "Pretty" count: 43

One more chapter to go, guys. Just one more.

The Pain: Chapter 22

2010-09-11T20:03:00.004-05:00

We're so very close to the end, guys. Hang on with me, because it's definitely gonna be a rough ride. Brace yourselves.

CHAPTER 22: HIDE AND SEEK
(Hide the plot, seek, but never find it)

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40

Quick n Hard Summary:
So Bella the Fuckwit has been fooled by James into think he has her mother. She has decided to run away from the only people in the world who could help her (even though they are fuckwits as well) and walk right into James' trap. Fuckwit, Jasper and Alice go to the airport to pick up Edward, and Bella manages to escape with the brilliant trick of...going the other way while pretending to go to the bathroom (no, really). She gets into a cab and goes home, where James tells her to go to the ballet studio, where of course he is, and we find out he tricked Bella by using a videotape of her mother calling her name. No, really. I'm not joking, guys. Quit giving me that look. James monologues for an eternity (because we need time for Eddie to get there) and finally attacks Bella. She passes out. Believe it or not, none of it is even remotely exciting, tense or interesting. Outstanding levels of mediocrity, Poop. Just outstanding.

Real-Time Notes:
-Bella hangs up the phone after talking to James, and walks back into the room with Alice, who proceeds to have another freakout. Bella is pretty sure Alice saw her getting killed, but Alice pretends that nothing's wrong. They go to the airport. I'm left confused with what the hell's the point of having someone who can see the future if they're completely useless about it?

Also Alice's power seems to be really iffy and based on people making decisions? I can't figure it out, but it makes no sense and no one gives a shit anyway. Point is that she's seen Bella make the decision to confront James on her own and...she'll do nothing about it. Why? Who cares? Bitch is as useful as 'gypsy' at the circus.

Or this.

-"How does it work? The things that you see?" I stared out the side window, and my voice sounded bored. "Edward said it wasn't definite… that things change?" It was harder than I would have thought to say his name. That must have been what alerted Jasper, why a fresh wave of serenity filled the car."

Dude's like a freakin' Glade air freshener. Also, yet another 'power' that makes no sense at all. How would something like that even work? Manipulating your emotions through...what? Smell? random invisible rays?

-Alice says she only sees the course while people are on it--zzzzzzzz, get to putting bella in mortal danger already.

-God, this is retarded. Alice knows exactly what's gonna happen. So you know Eddie will read her mind, figures it all out, saves Bella just in time. Fuck this.

-They get to the airport and sit down to wait for Eddie for what feels like an eternity.

"It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming. That made it very hard."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Haaaaa.

-Then Bella pretends like she wants to go to the bathroom and Jasper walks with her. And then thousand year old vampires are fooled by this fucktard going out the other exit of the bathroom. You've just been tricked by Bella Swan, Cullens. All of you should kill yourselves now.

-She runs. And runs some more. Gets into a cab. Remains stupid.

-41
"How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and I would be in his marble arms, finally safe."

I wonder, how do you read something like that and not realize how incredibly awkward "marble arms" sounds? Not only is it awkward writing (and just sounds terrible); it's a highly unpleasant image. Wouldn't that hurt? And be cold and uncomfortable? Poop, you just suck in so many ways.

-"It wouldn't matter how long we had to hide. To be trapped in a hotel room with him would be a kind of heaven."

BARF. WE GET IT. I don't even remember why she's thinking this stuff, but again, it doesn't matter. She's on a cab or getting home or something.

-She gets to her house and talks to James on the phone again. Never does it occur to this shithead to, say, check the house for signs of habitation, or check the driveway for a car, or call her stepfather or CALL HER OWN MOTHER AND FIND OUT WHERE SHE IS. Gah. I think we need this again:

-So James - who, by the way, must be slightly disappointed that this was so damn easy- tells her to come to the ballet studio if she wants to save her mother.

-"I tripped several times, once falling, catching myself with my hands, scraping them on the
sidewalk, and then lurching up to plunge forward again."

Seriously?

-Finally gets to the damned ballet studio.

"Terror seized me so strongly that I was literally trapped by it. I couldn't make my feet move forward."

LITERALLY, huh? Also, this couldn't be less scary if there were ponies and daisies floating around.

Ooooh, terrifying.

-Uh-huh. So "clever" hunter James used a videotape to lure Bella into the studio. Because hse's so cunning and shit. He actually does the evil cackle and calls her stupid. JUST MOTHERFRAKKING EAT HER ALREADY. STOP MONOLOGUING.

-"And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
She'd never been terrified by the dark red eyes in the abnormally pale face before me."

One: You could have found that out by calling her, you insufferable shithead.
Two: Oh, so Eddie's an Adonis but James is abnormal? Freak.
Three: EAT HER ALREADY.

-Bella seems to realize that not all vampires are gorgeous. It was just that Carlisle was a bit of a freak and wanted a bunch of models for a family.

-"Just the white skin, the circled eyes I'd grown so used to. He wore a pale blue, long-sleeved shirt and faded blue jeans."

Wait, so "used" to ?! YOU HAVE SEEN HIM TWICE. Also, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT HE'S WEARING?!

-James, as eveyr pathetic villain in the history of ever, monologues on and on and on and fucking on and I don't give a shit because he's not killing Bella fast enough. All he's doing is giving Eddie and the Sparkly Bunch time to find Bella--because they all know where she was going. James? YOU DESERVE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU FOR BEING A TWATWAFFLE.

-No joke, he monologues for three paragraphs, telling us exactly what we already know happened. Also, ha. Creep. He's gonna videotape the murder so he can send the tape to Eddie and have a giant game of hide and seek. So he's a psycho, but not smart enough to actually be interesting. You fail yet again, Poop.

-Sigh. So um, James tells us that he had run into Alice before, and wanted to eat her. But some dude saved her from the asylum where she was staying and turned her.

-"And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… She smelled even better than you do. Sorry — I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…"

Again with this shit. Bella the freakin Human Febreeze.

Bella Swan: Masks AND defeats unpleasant odors!

-She just stands there and HE DOESN'T EAT HER YET. JEEBUS.

-She tries to run, because she's stupid, and so:

"A crushing blow struck my chest — I felt myself flying backward, and then heard the crunch as my head bashed into the mirrors."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Obviously, I do not condone violence or violence against women, but this chick isn't a woman, or even human. She's an empty shell and a terrible creaiton, and I hate her, and it's about time someone beat the shit out of her. Not that she'll learn anything from it. Anyway.

-"Would you like to rethink your last request?" he asked pleasantly. His toe nudged my broken leg and I heard a piercing scream. With a shock, I realized it was mine."

Oh what a shitty Harlequin cliche: no one ever knows that...that...the screamer...IS THEM. Ugh. Also the charming, suave villain is so tired. Quit stealing everything from Diana Gabaldon, Poop.

-Blah, blah, he beats her up, she closes her eyes and I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW.

-And then the chapter ends, with not a single moment of true tension to come out of what was supposed to be the climax of the novel. I've never wanted to set a book on fire more.

Final Impression: Need I say it? It was the culmination of 500 pages of paper-thin plot and moronic characters, so it was terrible in every way imaginable. The big 'conflict' was resolved in three pages and some bad monologuing by a ridiculous villain straight out of the Failed Evil Overlord collection. A disgusting, embarrassing failure in every sense of the word.

Final Grade: I'll stop with this ranking, because what's the point?

"Pretty Count": 41, but only because Eddie's offscreen this whole time.

Update, on the Real World Front

2010-09-11T19:42:00.003-05:00

....And yet again I've neglected this thing for too long. But I hope you'll understand: I have an actual job and a real life to deal with for the first time in two years, and it's taking some getting used to. Specifically, getting up at 5am to be at work by 7- I leave the house at 6 and take two buses and a train to get to work. The work itself is pretty good, I always keep busy and I'm getting along fine with everyone. It's exhausting, but I get off at 12 or 1 so I have the rest of the day to rest and the time goes by quickly. I won't get into too much detail here, so I'll just say it's easy, relatively mindless work but it's something, and what with the horrible job situation all over the place, I'm incredibly grateful just to have a job. So this was my first working 'week' (it was only three days) and hopefully it'll get easier as I go along. I know that I'll be incredibly happy to be earning some real money at last.

So that's the update on the real life side of things. Don't have much else going on, doing some artwork (almost finished with the one big project I'd set for myself for the summer) and working on my brother's wedding invitations, though I've been unable to work on that all week because of coming home from work too exhausted to care about painting. Also been working hard with Pajiba-- doing the Project Runway recaps has been incredibly fun but also exhausting. Writing an actual recap (instead of, you know, just shouting incoherently as I did here) is harder than I had thought it was. It's fun, but you have to really edit yourself and not end up babbling or recaping every single second of the show. But it's so much fun to write and read the comments, and I've been getting a good response. Good writing practice and thankfully the show is giving me enough good stuff to work with this season.

In case you missed them, here's the recap for Episode 5 and the one for Episode 6. They're full of spoilers, obviously. Next one goes up this Monday, so go and give us some more page views.

So I've had that, plus the EE and I have the Twilight recaps to write. Of course, no one's making me do the Twilight thing, but I feel bad that I haven't updated. I also haven't read past chapter 1 of Breaking Dawn, mostly because I'd completely forgotten about the damned thing. But I'll make up for it. And, now that I think about it, reading and writing in a state of mental and physical exhaustion might be just the perfect mood for dealing with such levels of crap. A mushy brain is all that that garbage deserves.

And that's that. Having a meet-up with some Pajibans next week that I'm ridiculously excited about. Then it's the week of my birthday and I really want some cake. Couple of weeks after that we're going down to visit the in-laws in Houston and it'll be a big party to celebrate 3 birthdays in the family. And the summer is finally over. I love September.

So stay tuned, I'll be posting the next chapter of Twilight in a few minutes. Exciting!

The Pain: Chapter 21

2010-09-03T15:59:00.005-05:00

I'm sure you've all been dying to know what happened to Team Sparkletard, so let's get to it.

CHAPTER 21: PHONE CALL
[Why do these chapters even have titles?]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40

Quick n Hard Summary:
So when we last left her, Bella was with Alice and Jasper and Phoenix, attempting to run away from James by...running to the only other place where anyone who was after Bella would guess she had gone off to. Because these "vampires" are morons. So now Alice has a vision about the living room of Bella's mom's house, which means that that's where James is going. James calls Bella and tells her to go to the ballet studio on her own. Because she thinks that James has her mom (who, remember, is pretty obviously out of town), Bella decides to ditch Jasper and Alice. Because she's a fucktard and can't smell a trap a mile away. At least it's short.

Real-Time Notes:
-I love how even in the middle of what could actually be called a plot (if you really want to stretch the definition to the breaking point) , Poop is still mind-numbingly boring. Bella sits in her room and mopes, basically.

-Alice draws something else and it's Bella's mom's living room, and they assume that that's where James is going. Now the big question here is supposed to be that Bella's mom is out of town, right? But Bella seems to believe that she could come back any second and be caught by James. Because calling her is completely out of the fucking question.

-She doesn't want anyone to get hurt but what does she expect them to do when Eddie's all gaga over her and would probably mope around forever if she died and never have sex again? Jasper tries to knock her out (hee) but fails.

-My notes are kinda muddled on this because of how little I cared about what I was reading, but we find out Edward's on a plane and Alice and Jasper are gonna go check out and then they'll all go to the airport. So Bella gets a call from her 'mom'. It's basically just her mom's voice going "BELLA! BELLA!" a couple of times and then James' voice interrupts. Bella goes into the other room. Apparently that works just fine to fool a couple of century-old vampires.

-"The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man's tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials."

....Are you fucking serious with this shit? THAT is your comparison? Really? That's fucking dumber than the time you said Edward looked like he was in a raincoat ad. The FUCK, Stephanie Meyer?! Fucking kill yourself.

-So James tells her to go to the ballet studio, or she'll kill her mom. He says not to ~~call the police~~ tell the vampires and get away from them somehow. So Bella falls for this spectacularly transparent trap and decides to run right into James' arms.

*sigh*

I can't even begin to count the ways in which this is fucking stupid and even contradictory even to what Meyer said about James being smart and wanting a challenge. Trapping Bella Swan is like luring a fat kid into a trap by offering him a donut if he comes along.

-God, she's dumb. Shouldn't she at least TELL them and make a plan? No, dumbass Bella (who KNOWS she's a dumbass) is a dumbass some more and doesn't tell them anything. Because, you know, there's no way that the Cullens could come up with a plan to trap the one guy. What, is James gonna know everything you're planning? Aren't these guys supposed to be all super fast and strong and shit?

You know, I think I'm 15 times dumber after reading that because, goddamn. Twilight makes you dumber, kids.

- Also you dumb bitch, why would James killing you (or biting you, anyway) make you not ever see Eddie again? Fucking idiot. Wouldn't it actually turn you into a vampire like you want to? Unless, of course he wants to totally kill you, which is frankly quite alright by me.

-Snerk. She writes a letter to eddie about how she loves him, blah blah, "don't come for me" (fucktard). He's so gonna listen to you! You know, because he's always respected all your decisions and shit!

-"And then I carefully sealed away my heart."

BARF. THIS WILL NEVER END.

Final Impression: Barf.

Final Grade: Barf.

Pretty Count: Barf -40.

Christ that was terrible. Sorry guys, I couldn't even find funny photos for you. More tomorrow, I think. I was gonna do another one but... no. Enough!

Woop woop!

2010-09-01T21:37:00.002-05:00

Gah, sorry about not updating with Pain, but I've been a bit busy

GETTING A JOB.

Woop woop! read that right!

It's only a part-time job, retail, early mornings. So I'll be quite exhausted for the first few...months as I get used to not going to bed at midnight anymore. And not sleeping til 10. Anyway, it's not a glamorous job or anything, but I'm super excited to start being a productive member of society (bwah) and earning some extra moneys and finally getting out of the house.

Woop woop! We'll be back in business shortly. Don't forget to read the Project Runway recaps at Pajiba!

Quickie: Breaking News!

2010-08-27T00:30:00.004-05:00

And AWESOME news. My Project Runway recaps will now be moving to Pajiba! They'll be posted on Mondays, so a little later but still as fabulous. I'm super excited, and a little nervous given that it'll be a much bigger audience (or I hope so, anyway). But it should be a blast- just about everything on Pajiba leads to a great, often hilarious discussion, so be sure to check out both the recap and the comments section this Monday.

I know most of the people who read this come here through Pajiba, but in case you didn't, please support our awesome website, and support yours truly, starting this Monday. Expect me to pimp it out in every way imaginable, too, because I like the attention.Woop!

The Pain: Chapter 20

2010-08-25T10:53:00.009-05:00

Only four more to go, you addicts of Pain. I recommend you read my previous post, wherein I tell Stephanie Meyer what's what, and also announced that yeah, I'll be doing Breaking Dawn next. Curiosity killed the Fig, and what not. Let's get on with it.

CHAPTER 20: Impatience
[AKA: I've gone beyond impatience in waiting for something to happen in this book]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 40 (come on, Poop, you're falling behind!)

Quick n' Hard Summary:
So they're taking Bella away to Phoenix in their ~~fuckwitted~~ brilliant plan to try and set James off of Bella's scent. They DRIVE there which seems unbelievably stupid to me. And then they...sit in the hotel room and wait. That is seriously ALL THEY DO. Welcome to the "plot" part of the book! KILL ME.

Real-Time Notes:

-They're driving really fast, sometimes past the speed limit. Apparently vampires create a cloaking device around their cars that allow them to be invisible to traffic cops everywhere. She didn't say that, I'm speculating on their magical abilities to evade law enforcement.

And let's not even get into the monstrous stupidity of DRIVING Bella to her mother's house (where any good hunter would KNOW she would go) instead of flying her to say, Timbuktu. Wouldn't an unpredictable location reached by plane (you know, so he couldn't follow her scent) be the most logical plan?

OH HAHAHAHA what am I saying? That would require some intelligence on the part of your characters- who, let's remember, are hundreds of years old but seem to have the brains of a discarded shoe on the side of the highway. Jeebus wept.

Smarter than all the Cullens combined

I'm honestly amazed at the level of stupidity of these characters. There's no excuse at ALL to go through all this trouble. It only seems to be about driving Sparklutz apart so they can mope about and he can come to her rescue at the last minute. Oh, did I just tell you the ending? SORRY. But hey, if you couldn't figure it out before, congratulations! you're as big a dumbass as the Cullens.

- They magically get to Phoenix in a day instead of three. She's tired and sad, wah wah wah cry me a fucking river.

-She wakes up in the middle of the night, in some hotel. She misses Eddie. SNORE. When's James gonna show up again to kill her? Ick, if there's anything worse than Sparklutz staring at each other it's Bella moping about Eddie not being there. AND THAT IS WHAT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT. GODDAMMIT.

-blahblah she's scared and thinks its her fault. Well, yeah, but it's more Eddie's fault for being all possessive like a dog with a toy.

-Alice and Bella talk. GUESS WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT? EDDIE SPARKLES. GOOD JOB.

"It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone."

Translation: "We're so happy he'll finally stop being a virgin! I mean, we really thought he was gay for a while, but then he was more asexual, like a sponge? Anyway, we're so glad he'll finally stop whining about finding his Juliet or whatever the fuck! Happy day!"

Like Edward Cullen. Only less shiny, less asexual, and less of a dumbass.

-We get more of Alice, Jasper and Bella waiting to hear from the others, and Bella worrying, and more waiting, and Bella worrying. Fuck it. This is painful.

- And then Poop kills the vampire mythology some MORE. Apparently her "vampires" are venomous, and a single bite is enough to send people into painful, prolonged agony. Which...just...good god. Why do you have to RUIN EVERYTHING, POOP. Just when I think I can't hate this woman more she completely outdoes herself. So, vampires just have to bite someone ONCE for them to turn into vampires as well? How fucking stupid is that? The whole idea is that it's a big huge deal to turn into a vampire, involving YOU drinking FROM THE VAMPIRE'S BLOOD. It's one of the reasons why being (or getting turned into) a vampire is a big fucking deal, and a horrible thing to do. Why change that? OH YEAH. Just so that Eddie will have some bullshit excuse to not turn Bella into a Sparklepire when she wants him to.

Conclusion: These are not (and have never been) real vampires. They're fucking immortal sparkly snakes. But way less awesome and more whiny little bitches.

-"But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death."

Well that's just fucking stupid. Also, WHY would Carlisle want Edward and Rosalie to go through that shit? Carlie's a fucking freak. What we're saying here is that, instead of letting them die in their own time, he put them through WORSE pain just because he was lonely. And now they hate themselves. Lovely.

-Blargh. So, Alice has a vision that James has changed his mind and will be in some dark room with mirrors.

-Eddie calls.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you." "Come and get it, then," I challenged."

Ah, I missed your romantic ways, Sparklutz. Puke.

- Alice draws the room she sees. "It looks like a place I used to go for dance lessons — when I was eight or nine."

Wait. Old Jelly Legs Swan took BALLET? HAAAAAAAA!

-So she gets worried about her mom and calls her. Nothing happens. Because--get this--her mom is OUT OF TOWN. But she still worries that James is gonna go after her. Which...what?

I think this calls for this image, because words cannot convey my frustration at this stupidity:

Holy Godtopus, you guys. We've reached Stupidity Threat Level: Midnight. I can't take it. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

Final Impression: Really? Do I really need to tell you? Just look at that photo again.

Final Grade: F to infinity.

Final "Pretty" Count: 40

Stephanie Meyer, you are the WORST.

2010-08-24T12:33:00.004-05:00

Hey, so you know what I haven't talked about in a while? Motherfrakkin' Twilight. Because GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS. I finished it. I FINISHED IT. I read every single page of that monstrosity and I am so very proud of myself. Well, not proud so much as disgusted. But you have to know your enemy in order to destroy it, don't you? And oh, I know my enemy.

I have to say that I'm also glad that I can now safely proclaim, with plenty of proof at hand, and through painful personal experience that this is: THE. WORST. BOOK. OF. ALL. TIME. And I have read some seriously awful shit. I've read Patterson, people. I've read Dan Brown. Nicholas Sparks. Harlequin Romances. Paulo Coelho. And yet nothing has even come close to the awfulness of Twilight. Congratulations, Miss Meyer, you have reached lowest of the low on my scale of Things That Suck. There is nothing the least bit redeemable in your pie of horrors. Not one thing. They are terrible beyond belief, and it didn't even take me that long to find that out. It is hands-down the worst writing I have ever read in my life. It has the most unlikable characters in the history of literature. It has the weakest, most nonsensical 'plot' ever, and it has the most insulting, disgusting, disturbing 'romance' in literature intended for teenagers.

In short, dear lady, your book was disgusting. It destroyed my soul. It destroyed my brain as I tried to comprehend what kind of a mind could come up with something so thoroughly awful. It destroyed yet a little more of my belief in humanity, because the mere idea that people like this stuff (genuinely like it!) makes my heart ache.

You, Stephanie Meyer, are the worst.

But, hey, you're a millionaire, so who gives a shit what I think, right? WRONG. Because YES. Because you are awful and I think you should care. So, there.

And guess what, Miss-I-don't-care-what-Figgy-thinks-about-my-Horrible-Book-of-Horror: I AM NOT GOING TO STOP. Oh yes. No use pleading. I'm gonna read the other three books in this series of Utter and Absolute Pain and I WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY YOU.

No, no use in pleading. No. SHUT UP, lady. I don't care if you've had enough. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I KNOW MY ENEMY ENOUGH TO DESTROY HIS ARMIES AND THEIR FAMILIES AND BURN HIS ENTIRE CITY TO THE GROUND AND SOW THE FIELDS WITH SALT AND--

*cough*

I think I got a little carried away there. I just hate that woman so much. Even though, yes, I know that I brought this upon myself. Go away with your stupid "logic" and your "reasoning" and "Figgy this is your own fault"s. I don't like you either. Don't make me go over there and destroy your armies.

Anyhoo! I was gonna do the next chapter of The Pain Part 1 here, but I think I'll let this post stew in its own rage a little bit, and go take a shower because I feel dirty.

Project Runway, Season 8, Episode 4 (THE CRACKHEADS ARE IN TOWN)

2010-08-21T11:57:00.009-05:00

I always feel like it's been forever since I updated this thing. Then I realized it's only been 4 days since I've bitched and whined and ranted. Maybe I just have an addiction. I think if I tried I could update at least three times a day, but I have to force myself not to so people won't become exhausted. I mean, sometimes I make myself tired. But that's what you get for having an overactive imagination. Better just to have these conversations with myself as I clean the house or take a shower or whatever. Anyway.

Episode 4, Season 8. The show is almost an hour and a half long, and I'm sorry to say that's about half an hour too long. Sometimes the filler is pretty pathetic. But let's start at the beginning of the craziness. This week: hats! crazy hats! albinos! ambulances! Tim Gunn is a ghost! the judges are on crack some more!

BOOM.

Oh, I just want to point out that I write the notes as I watch the episode, so I didn't know who had won at the time I took the notes. I could edit and pretend that I agreed with the judges all along, but I must stick to the name of the blog and do it from the gut. Alrighty, then.

-Previously: Andy won and Sarah went home for listening to Gretchen. OK, maybe not but I like blaming her for stuff. Sarah went home for being inexplicably boring.

-And oh, the sweet irony of that moment in the credits when Sarah goes "I've come way too far to lose!" Oh, Sarah.

OPENING SEGMENT OF DOOM
-See what I meant about the filler? We get the exact same footage that we got at the end of the last episode, with Ivy passing out, the medics, etc. Apparently she was just really dehydrated.

-Valerie and Gretchen wonder if Ivy just passed out from not eating, which, eek. Maybe it was a combination of eating only Diet coke and cigarettes. Maybe also too much stress, hot glue gun fumes, and being around Gretchen too much. Poor girl.

-Ivy returns at like 3:30am, which can't be good for her sleep/stress levels, but I'm glad she's OK, even though as this episode proves, she can be a bit of a pill.

HEIDI TIME (can't touch this! she'll probably eat you)

-Heidi looks nice, but those bangs and haircut are terrible. She calls in the models and I'm like bleh, I hate this segment but this time it's SPECIALLY because they are wearing some FUNKYASS AWESOME HATS. Incredible. Gigantic folded paper things that are just unbelievable. I want one. I wouldn't WEAR it anywhere but damn they're gorgeous. OK maybe I would wear it to insane church.

-So they're all by artist Phillip Tracie (that's maybe not how you spell his name but I could never get it right), who apparently designed that one hideous hat for SJP that looked like a dead bird, and he also designs things for Gaga, whom I love. He's kind of crazy and I love it. He comes in and he has really weird hair and gives Heidi all these weird/creepy sideways looks and he kinda looks albino. No offense to albinos.

THE CHALLENGE
-...Is to create a look that will be inspired and worn with one of the hats and that's AWESOME. You could really go insane. And it's really challenging, because you have to match everything and make it look really awesome and impress this weird dude.

-I think this is where we'll see if this crop of designers is any good at all. Because these hats are AMAZING and inspiring and you could do sooooo much with them. I hope we don't see any more mini dresses and flared skirts. THis is basically a 12-hour couture challenge, you know? ROCK IT OUT, PEOPLE.

-Oh! I just remembered that this guy was the one that did all the hats for that incredibly cool Galiano (for Dior) show this year--the one with the dresses that looked like flowers? And the hats all looked like bouquets and it was so fucking incredible. And I'm so proud of myself for making that connection. Here, let me find a link...

This is the full collection and holy shit I love every single thing about it. Do yourself a favor and look through the whole thing, because it's AWESOME. Hands down one of the best collections I've ever seen. Gah, so gorgeous. And Tracie did the crazy hats and I think the hair.

Anyway, moving on.

-They pick the models, but even though Heidi says they can choose whomever depending on which hat they like the most, all of them pick the models they've been working with, which makes the whole thing kind of futile. Heidi looks annoyed when she realizes that's what they're doing. Dammit, I wanted a bitchy fight over models again (IT'S A WALK-OFF, BITCH! remember that? it was glorious). I know I would've snatched Mondo's model right up, she's so gorgeous. But nooo all these people are loyal and nice and blah. I WANT BLOOD.

-I'm so excited about the challenge. I love the damn hats.

TIM/SKETCHING/SHOPPING TIME
-April has the ugliest hat--this flattened cone thing, but she could do something cool if she tried. Kristin whines even though she has this gorgeous thing that's basically an orchid, and she could go insane with it. I mean, just look at what Galliano did. But I don't have a lot of faith in Kristin, given what she's done (or failed to do, really) so far.

WORKING TIME
-Scramble scramble scramble. Casanova's being all whiny saying how he'll quit if the judges bitch on him again. THEN MAKE SOMETHING GOOD, YOU ASS. On the one hand, I want him to go because he sucks and makes ugly clothes, but he's also hilarious and insane and ridiculous, and that's the whole point of reality shows, isn't it? I don't think they'll kick him out anyway. The judges are insane and want to keep the crazy people in. Ugh, remember when Suede almost made it to the top 3? PUKE.

- "Casanova's being a diva, which is sort of expected for a queen..." says Ivy and I crack up at how wrong that is.

-Valerie freaks out because she doesn't have a zipper, but Ivy offers one of hers and FAKE CRISIS AVERTED. Come on. Someone cut a finger or something. Gretchen, say something stupid! that's what you're here for!

-I love Valerie. She reminds me of Amy Sedaris (finally placed it!) and that quirky/serious/slightly manic thing she has.

-Kristin has this look like she's about to fall asleep. She sounds very sleepy. Also she has terrible bedhead. Hee. "It's just a big vagina!" she says about her hat, and cracks up. Oh lord. Apaprently she's much crazier than I thought she was. We see Cassie slapping her on the ass. Ew.

-Aawww Michael C has a 6 year old son. Adorable! Ivy calls his dress a hot mess and dude, you can't really talk. He's kind of hating his design and it's just a terrible color. Come on MC, I like you. Rock it out.

TIM TIME! HI TIM! I LOVE YOU TIM! COME BE MY LIFE COACH!

-Valerie has a measuring tape around her head and it's adorable. She makes really funny faces at Tim, who's not sure about her ideas of adding random zippers to her dress. Hmmm...I think they can work. Remember that crazyass dress that Jeff the Creepy Neck Tattoo Guy did one time that was full of zippers? That was cool. But V's are really small and might not work. Anyway.

-Oh lord. April (who is wearing a cut-off sweatshirt a la flashdance but she just looks unshowered) is making booty shorts. WHAT. She has a pink-and-white striped hat! the hell is she doing? BOOTY SHORTS.

Hee. Tim says it looks like a diaper and IT TOTALLY DOES. A diaper made out of Charmin, because it's seriously all quilted and shit. I half expect those weirdass bears to come out and wipe their asses with it-- Those bears, by the way? most bizarre commercials ever or what? WHY DO THE BEARS HAVE TOILET PAPER. But I digress. Oh god those shorts are hideous. The worst part is that they're white and just begging to be compared to quilted toilet paper.

-Michael D has this weird fabric that looks like nothing but corrugated carton. Like the roof on a shack. It's this very boring taupe color. Tim is weirdly not hating it. Tim tells Michael to push himself and the advice is very vague.

-Kristin is using black and pink. Hmmph. SHINY black and pink. Like a prom dress. Ick. Oh god now we have Gretchen talking, and she says how she thinks Kristin's work kinda sucks and I hate that I agree with her. I STILL DON'T LIKE YOU, WRETCHEN.*

*I didn't come up with that. Someone on TVgasm did. But I love it so much.

I mean, I'm sure that the producers encourage her to talk shit on the interviews, and I'm sure that there's a lot of footage of other designers talking shit, but Gretchen just sounds so goddamn condescending every time she talks about someone else. Just STOP IT. Hee. Tim screeches at some fabric he sees.

-Oh God Peach is going with some hideous pink print AGAIN. What the hell, lady! Why do you only make dresses for little girls and boring ass debutantes! IT LOOKS LIKE MY GRANDMA'S TABLECLOTH. Also she's making yet ANOTHER little dress. Ugh. I had hopes that Peach was gonna rock it out and not be...what everyone expected her to be. Which is exactly what she's turning out to be. Old lady making boring clothes.

-Christopher has this gorgeous print of black penciled flowers over a gray shiny fabric. It's beautiful. I like him. He's so quiet.

-Ugh, Casanova. Tim says they've all seen that dress before. Donna Karan 1988. Hahahaha. Seriously dude you SUCK. He has the most BADASS hat of them all and he has this long-sleeve black piece of BLAH and once again he seems to be missing the whole point of the challenge by a fucking mile.Grr. Either he really doesn't understand or he's pretending not to. Either way it's ridiculous and now I just hate him. I know I said earlier that he was funny but now he's just jumped into annoying.

- Michael C has this really ugly fabric that puckers. He says he's going to change the whole thing, even though he only has like 4 hours. Damn. Come on, Michael. Lucky for him, it seems that April's is much, much worse. Michael D says MC didn't even bring a ruler. Michael C talks to his son on the phone, which is really adorable. God I hope you don't go home. Talk of children is a bit of a bad omen on this show. It's selfish but I want one of them to leave already so I can just type 'Michael'.

-The models show up. I'm disappointed that a lot of these dresses are a bit blah. Little dresses in dull winter colors. Blagh. IMPRESS ME, PEOPLE. You know what I think it is? And of course I haven't seen all of them, but I think the designers immediately saw hats and thought OLD LADIES AT BRITISH LUNCHES and decided to go with really blah designs. I hope I'm wrong.

DAY OF RUNWAY SHOW (Day of DOOM and CRACKHEADS)
-Kristin says she wants a critique, at least, and I know that that would annoy me that I don't know what the judges think about my stuff until it's too late. I know that that's the show, but still.

-Tim comes in to make them scramble, make them blah blah, makeup, hair, product placement, you know the drill. The models come in, all pointy elbows and pointy knees and stuff. So skinny.

-Wait, what happened to COLLIER STRONG? I want his freaky deaky face back ! come on! Who is this dude with the porn mustache and beard and beady eyes! COLLIER WHERE ARE YOU!

-Hee. Mondo wants a mustache on his model and I LOVE IT. He's so weird. I think in terms of weirdness and innovation he's probably the best, and the more like a real designer than any of these other people.

-I'm a bit worried that we haven't seen Gretchen's dress yet, because grr. They tend to not show the winner during the episode. I KNOW HOW YOU WORK, SHOW. Sort of. You've thrown me for a loop lately. But that's because you seem to be on the meth.

RUNWAY TIME
-Heeeee. Heidi comes out to the Seal song about the rose, and I crack up because COME ON. That was so ridiculous. She's wearing a giant upside down rose and it looks like it exploded on her head. I love Philip Tracie and his nuttiness. How does one become insane and rich like him? That's like my dream--to come up with really insane shit for people to wear even though it makes no sense, and become a millionaire. Maybe I should attach dead animals to bracelets or something. Anyway. Runway show!

1) Michael C made...a shredded little dress in a nice bronze color to match his giant circle of a hat. It's...a cute dress but completely at odds with the hat. There's no real harmony or connection, I don't think. It looks like a Rami dress, all wrapped and draped and whatever. Just so boring. Boring. BORING. Even Casanova pointed out that every Puerto Rican girl had a dress like that in their closet. And when Casanova is right...well, you're in trouble.The super-red hat would've looked amazing with a white dress, I think.

(Note: I can't believe how much my own initial reaction contrasted with the judges'. More on that later.)

2) Ick. Gretchen, who had this pancake hat with some feathers sticking out made...god, i don't even know. It's a sheer long top and tights? It looks like deranged Robin Hood in mourning who fell on his head and flattened it on one side. It's all taupe and gray and it has these weird lace leggings with leather insides? The fuck is that? The judges will probably go nuts over it. I think it's a monstrosity.

3) Kristin's is a MESS. It looks completely shoddy and badly cut. It's badly fitted, there's pink fabric puking out the top of the dress like a tongue and there's this bizarre piece of bright pink fabric that comes out of her stomach and like...wraps around her legs and goes into the back. Again like vomit or exploding guts. It's an ode to vomiting blood, I think. So weird and wrong and horrible. Ick.

4) Michael D's dress made me LOL for real. But in a good way! He got this GIANT circular hat, so he made the corrugated carton top that's pointy and has a big plunging neckline. And he has a bright orange skirt that's wrinkled and cute. It's so bizarre and strangely gorgeous. Very conceptual. I think I like it? Even though it's kind of bizarre? It's totally something you'd see on a real runway, though. Fashion is so weird sometimes.

5) Eh. Valerie made another shredded-bottom dress that's a nice dark pink, and a white bolero with zippers that match the black mask. Eeeeh. It's pretty but kinda unimpressive in every way imaginable. It weirdly makes the model look square. GAH there's this ugly black zipper like right in the middle of the back and it...IT OPENS TO NOWHERE! the hell is that thing? In case you get a sweaty back and you can unzip it and get a gaping vagina-like hole in your back? Ick.

6) Haha, AJ's is cute, if a little derivative. He has a nice navy polka-dot dress with some tulle coming out the side and a crazy collar. It actually matches really well with his beige...carton thing that's the hat. Like a deranged old lady on the french riviera. I like it.

7) Oooh, Andy rocked it out AGAIN, even though he has immunity. He made a fuchsia jacket with GIANT sleeves and giant neckline (Andy likes to go BIG, doesn't he?) and he has the big white circle with a featehr down the middle. Not what i expected with the hat, but I like it. He's really very good with volume and strange silhouettes.

8) Feh. Ivy made another Working Girl outfit of a cream top and a white pencil skirt. It looks like crazy Secretary picked up a random hat at the office Crazy Hat Party because her boss made her do it, and flopped it on her head but she'll still be Super Serious about it. Ivy's designs are so, so boring. "I need to get over myself" she says. At least she's honest.

9) Holy hideous fuck of hideousness. April's diaper comes out. There's pink and black fabric coming out of it so that she looks like she's spilling AND IT IS SO GROSS. She really had an ugly hat. She has a nice black top but that WHITE DIAPER looks so wrong and contrasts too much and it is seriously ugly. Nina looks like she wants to set it on fire.

10) Christopher's is pretty baddass. She looks like a rock-and-roll widow. I'm kinda iffy about the dropped-crotch leggings but damn that print might get him the win. Also looks gorgeous with the hat. Very cute. It's very dark, but I like it. *

*(It's either me or the judges who were on crack and I know I AM CLEAN AND MOSTLY SOBER)

11) Blegh. Peach, like I said before, made an outfit for a Starlet. One with a really bad stylist. It's so boring and Lunch Girl and horrible print and not fitting with the weirdass feathered hat she got. I don't get it. I don't see the inspiration or anything.

12) Oh geez. Casanova made a black dress fit for Julia Roberts. It's so an Angelina or Julia dress. He could have done SO MUCH with that gorgeous hat. But he made a floppy, matronly black dress with long sleeves. He drives me insane and isn't even funny anymore. GO HOME.

13) Mondo continues to be INSANE. He made these...giant polka dot pants (the dots are giant, not the pants) with like...printed gold cloth along the seams. And a super purple top. I LOVE the mustache on the model and her weird crab-like hat. It's so weird. I can see some crazy starlet wearing the bizarro clown pants.

Hmm... OK, to be honest I wasn't terribly impressed with anyone, but here's my top three: Christopher, AJ and...oh, I'll say Michael D because his was the most innovative, and it made me laugh.

Bottom three: April (to go home), Casanova and Kristin.

JUDGING TIME!
-Aaaand here's where the train left the sanity path and made a straight detour to CRAZY FUCKING CRACKTOWN.

-April, Michael D, Christopher, Michael C, Valerie, Kristin are called to stay. Huh, they called Valerie and MC? Weird. But YAY, NO GRETCHEN!

-I love Michael D's, it looks like some really bizarre architectural thing. And it's weird how well the corrugated cardboard works with the hat. The skirt is really cute too. The texture of the whole thing is very good. The judges love it and are really impressed. I think he used the hat the best, and he should win.

-Kristin. Ick ick ick, that dress is a mess. Blood Vomit Dress. Kors says there's no correlation between the hat and dress, and that the black satin was a terrible idea. It doesn't fit, and I think Kristin just has NO idea how to fit or how to sew or how to make a good silhouette. She could have done SO MUCH MORE. They really butcher her and it. There's a weird moment where Heidi meanly points out that Kristin isn't saying much, but what do they want? If you defend yourself too much they think you're bitchy, if you don't...and also they already said they hated her. What COULD she say? stupid judges.

-Christopher says that he contrasted the points in his hat to the soft of the dress. Heidi says it's too dark and sad. Aw, but I LIKE IT. Wow, the judges don't like it. I'm completely shocked at how much they HATE it. Ick, the leggings are kinda weird, and it would've looked better without them. But still, the level of dislike is really over the top to me. They just hate everything about it, and seem to hate Chris for some reason. I think the styling is where it went wrong, but jeebus. It really doesn't deserve such a harsh critique. Damn. I still like the dress and the print. I do agree that he went a little overboard, but jeebus. What is wrong with these people, that they let Casanova get by with that derivative piece of shit but called out Michael?! Grr.

I'd also like to point out that Tim Gunn loved it. And TIM GUNN IS NOT WRONG. God I can't wait to see what he says about these shenanigans.

-And here's where I completely GIVE UP because they looooooooooooved Michael C's dress. I fucking give up. I mean, it's a cute dress and a nice color but COME ON. Seriously, you love it this much? The FUCK! The designers back stage are as confused as I am and wondering why he's in the top 3, when it was so safe a dress. Which it totally was. I still don't think it matches the hat, and I think it's really boring, and ugh. I give up.

*throws hands in the air*

-April. Jeebus this is hideous. That diaper short is terrible. What is that TEXTURE. Ill-fitted triple panty. hee. Kors says that he layered the panties to take one off during your trip when you needed it. HEEEE. He goes "OOOH NOOOOO" in that Kors voice, and I crack up. Phillip says it was too simple.

-I am so at odds with the judges today. They love Valerie's, and I'm happy for her, I guess. Honestly, it was just kind of boring to me. They're really loving the safe stuff this time. Phil really doesn't agree with the judges on that one, and I love him for it.

THE CRACKHEADS DELIBERATE
-I think Phil is really disappointed by all of them. Like he wanted to see HUGE things which...I kind of did too, and maybe this would've been better as a later challenge, with more time, as a couture challenge with fewer designers. Maybe I was expecting too much, but...still. Too bad. Sorry, Phil. They're not Galliano, I guess.

-The backstage people are surprised about their dislike for Chris' dress, and hey ME TOO. I think the styling was wrong, but it was seriously not that bad. April cries and I think it's understandable, considering she's just starting out in the business. But honey, triple panty? No no no.

-They don't like Christopher. OK, so it was overly designed but saying he has NO TASTE? The hell? Baaaah. They can't kick him out. STOP SMOKING YOUR OWN HAIR HEIDI KLUM. STOP SNIFFING THE TANNER FUMES, KORS. NINA STOP EATING BABIES AND PUPPIES. UGH.

-Kristin should go home. It looked like a destroyed prom dress. It's the fabric, I think. Nina tries vaguely to defend her but kinda fails.

-Triple Panty Problem. Good band name. The jacket was nice. They like that at least she didn't go for a little dress. Wouldn't it be helpful to, like, TELL THEM THAT, judges? They're never gonna know what the fuck you want if you don't tell them! or if you continue to smoke noxious fumes!

-They call Michael C's effortless. That's because it was really easy AND HE PUT NO EFFORT INTO IT YOU FUCKHATS. AND it was kind of accidental. I don't know. I really like him, and the dress was cute, but I don't LOVE it as much as the judges do.

-Phillip really doesn't like Val's dress, saying it's not stylish. I agree. It's incredibly simple and the color is dead. The others like it. They say it was fun. I think it was boring, and safe, and didn't go with the hat.

-The more I look at Michael D's the more I love it. The judges say it was very different and it definitely is. I want the hat. I could wear it when I went walking and be all "I AM THE SUN, BITCHES. GET OUT OF MY WAY".

DECISION TIME
-I predict: MD for the win, Terry for the GO HOME. Though it might be Chris for being on the bottom 3 twice, though it's totally unfair this time.

-Go Valerie! top 3 in all three challenges. She's safe. Michael C wins and he starts crying and I give up on trying to predict anything anymore. Good for him, though I think MD should've taken it. I like his change from miserable to super happy.

-LOL Ivy goes insane with "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK" screaming but it turns out she's just pissed that she's not top three and now I hate her because ARE YOU SERIOUS?

-And I think ONCE AGAIN the other guys are confused by the judges' decision. ME TOO. Like they're not very enthusiastic about MC's win, though they seem to like him.

-Gretchen says he's derivative and not creative and I WANT TO SHOOT HER IN THE STUPID HAIR. YOU MADE A BLACK DRESS AND A JUMPSUIT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Though Ivy, you don't deserve to be anywhere near the top, so shut the fuck up, too. God, these bitches.

-Yay Chris is in. Better rock it out next time, dude. I think if April had gone with a full-on swimwear thing it would've worked wonders with the hat. Alas. I can see where she was going with it, at least.

-But the same can't be said for Kristin, who is out, and it's fitting. I hated just about everything she did. She says she's relieved, though sad.

-Then there's this really weird tag where I thought something would happen, but it's just the designers in the apartment, talking shit about not liking Michael C's win. Pretty much everyone agrees that the judges are crackin' the hard stuff.

-I mean just...so far in the season they've done OK with the losers (except for Nicholas) but with the winners? So, so crackheaded. And methy. If I were one of the contestants I'd be so confused, because they can't make up their minds as to what the fuck they want and are rewarding people who really don't deserve it.

I also can't believe that Tim Gunn won't do his blog of awesomeness for two weeks. I'd love to hear what he has to say about this week's insanity.

I mean, please tell me I'm not the only one who disagreed completely with the win this time, or with the judges' hating on Christopher's work so much. I'm perfectly ready to admit I can be wrong but reading over this I don't think I was THAT wrong. I still think the judges are being way too harsh or too good to people who don't deserve it.

Tim did warn us. Always listen to Tim Gunn. There was woefully little of him this week, wasn't there? Boo. Anyway, I'm out.

Edit: His name is Phillip Treacy. It's not my fault that it sounds like Tracy. And I knew it was misspelled somehow, so, whatevs.

The Pain: Chapter 19

2010-08-17T14:48:00.006-05:00

We're nearly done, troops! let us plow through this shitty excuse for a last minute attempt at a plot.

Just a quick thought regarding the casting for the terrible movies. Kristen Stewart was a terrible choice for Bella Swan. Think what you want about Miss Permanent Bitchface, I just think she has too much personality for Klutz McBoxofrocks. Even if it's an obnoxious personality. Granted, Bella could have been played by a cardboard cutout with its face removed so that each fan could attach their picture to it, but still. Stewart doesn't play vapid too well. She just looks like she has to poop all the time.

Pattinson, on the other hand? Weirdly perfect for Eddie Sparkles. He's got that completely bland, generically handsome face with the good bone structure and creepy eyes that Edward needed. Of course, calling him a Perfect Marble God Whose Face Devastates Nations is a bit of a stretch, but dude's just pretty. And his soul-killing monotone is exactly what I imagine Edward sounds like. So mumbly.

Anyway, let's get to this thing.

CHAPTER 18: GOODBYES
[Yay! It's super short!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
When we last left Sparklutz, the Cullens are trying to concoct some plan to get Bella away from the EVIL HUNTER James. First they go to Bella's house where Bella pretends to be going home to Phoenix. She yells at Charlie, then leaves. It's incredibly stupid and needlessly elaborate. Then they go to the Cullen's lair to prepare for Phase 2: The Dumbening, and Frenchiepants (Laurent) is there to tell them that James will never give up. The end.

Real-Time Notes:
-So, the big plan seems to be that Bella goes home to Charlie and yells a lot about Edward being a meanie and how she's gonna leave because she hates everyone, etc. It's funny how it's sort of implied that Bella is such a bitch that no one will really be surprised that she did this.

-"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot."

Borne? OK that might be a typo. I don't care enough to check.

-blah blah, she yells, Charlie's freaked out, she's breaking his heart. The idea is that she's doing the same thing to Charlie that her mom did when she walked out on him. And that's kind of weird. Did Bella hear her mom when she left or did the mom tell Bella this after the fact? If she did, well I can see where Bella gets the bitchiness, because that's a terrible thing to tell your 16 year old daughter.

-OK so this whole thing was so badly written that I got confused about what was going on. They want James to overhear the yelling. But he'll know that the Cullens are just trying to throw him off, so he'll stick around and not believe the story? It's really stupid either way, because they're counting on James falling for their lame-ass trick, which amounts to putting a fake mustache on Bella and thinking it's a good disguise.

THEY WILL NEVER KNOW YOU NOW, BELLA.

How these people survived for thousands of years is beyond me.

-Anyway, they get to the car, leaving heartbroken Charlie behind. But Bella obviously doesn't care so we forget about him pretty quick.

-"I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault." His voice was wry. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered."

One, what is it with this chick's smell? Second, yeah it'll ease her mind to keep getting blamed for someone WANTING TO EAT HER even though she did nothing. Yay let's blame the victim? Poop, you are one fucked up lady.

-Ha! Of course it comes out during the conversation that if Eddie hadn't reacted like a dog whose favorite humping pillow had been taken away, James wouldn't have cared as much. But he did, and James was all "SCORE!" and now he wants to prove he's better than the Cullens. So it's all your fault, Eddie you asshole.

-Bella asks how you kill a vampire:

"He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."

HAHAHHAAHAHAHA. OK first, I'm furiously taking notes. Second, what a dumbass way to bypass all the easy ways you can kill REAL vampires. No sunlight, no stakes, no silver bullets. Third, so only a vampire can kill another vampire? Lame. Fourth, Poop is surprisingly violent for all her pretensions of purity and niceness.

-I don't get why they can't just lure James into the house and kill him. They'll have to do that ANYWAY and it's like ten of them against one of him. Two if you count his slutty girlfriend. But these people are idiots and don't even consider that. I mean, maybe their reasoning is that they don't want to keep Bella trapped in a house all the time, but think about it: this chick has no friends, barely eats, has no life, doesn't care about her dad AND she wants to spend all her time with Eddie. She would LOVE being sequestered with him. But nooooo let's go forward with the dumbass plot.

Again: I love the internet.

-So Frenchiepire is there for some reason and tells them that James won't give up trying to hunt Bella.

-"Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?" Edward's enraged roar filled the room; Laurent cringed back."

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Go Laurent. Also, let's bring this back for hilarity:

Oh, Eddie, you're so fearsome!

-Anyway. So they're gonna try to lead him on the wrong trail by getting Rosalie to wear Bella's clothes. They'll go in one direction while Bella and JasperAlice go in the other towards Phoenix. Also...just....You know, once James finds out that she's gone in another direction, won't his first idea be that she went towards Phoenix, where she SAID she would go? THIS PLAN JUST GETS DUMBER AND DUMBER.

-Speaking of dumber and dumber, Bella and Eddie say goodbye. Though they'll be apart for two days at most. But everything's dramatic with these halfwits.

40
"For the shortest second, his lips were icy and hard against mine. Then it was over. He set me down, still holding my face, his glorious eyes burning into mine."

Phew! I was starting to worry that Poop had reached the end of the thesaurus entry for "Pretty", but it seems that she'll just start reusing words. Huzzah!

-Jasper tells bella she's worth it. Special Snowflake points! Let us barf.

-OH COME ON. The Cullens seem to have STEEL PANELS to protect their house with. Like they slide over the windows and shit. Wait, how long have these people been living there? When did they have time for this?

Grr. So they could just keep her in there forever. But no, we need some half-assed plot from the Happy Shitty Plot Hat to keep Sparklutz apart and make them all angsty. ARGH.

**

Final Impression: The level of dumbassery covering this entire plot won't let me get through at anything else. Like the completely unnecessary breaking of Charlie's heart and the stupid plans and pretending like everyone's in danger. Poop fails at everything.

Final Grade: F

Final "Pretty" Count: 40

You know, I was gonna do another chapter, since this one was so short. But I hated writing this so much that I can't take any more. Need to cleanse my brain with something smarter. Like Jersey Shore.

Project Runway: Season 8, Episode 3

2010-08-14T18:34:00.004-05:00

Episode 3! there was a party store! and glitter and sequins and way too many garlands! There was some really ugly shit and some cute little outfits, and Betsy Johnson was as insane/high as ever! Gretchen is more annoying than I ever thought possible, and Tim Gunn is dream BFF!

Here. We. Go.

Previously: Gretchen won with a hideously unoriginal jumpsuit. Jason got kicked out for not sewing a damned thing and being an idiot, then the judges kicked out Nicholas for no reason at all. Marie Claire is a shitty magazine.

OPENING SEGMENT:

-The editors are having a blast this season. They have this hilarious montage of scenes where it's basically Gretchen interviewing how everyone loves her and everyone, well, hating her. This happens:

Gretchen: This group is very sweet and loving--
Michael D: I hate that bitch, Gretchen.

It killed me.

-Like everyone, I hate Gretchen. One might be led to think that they're somewhat jealous of her, but given her self-importance and hoity-toity attitude that she's done nothing to deserve, it's a lot more than jealousy for her having won two challenges. She claims that everyone knew she would win before she did. Bitch, you did the safest, most boring thing out there. Stop congratulating yourself so much and shut the fuck up. Grr I hate her. No one was fucking rooting for you.

I mean, I'm perfectly aware that the editors love to pick out someone to hate and arrange scenes and interviews to make us dislike someone, but when everything that comes out of Gretchen's mouth is bitchy and horrible, it's like she's doing the editors' job for them, you know? Some of it is forced, but most of it is horribly real.

-Model Segment that no one cares about because, fuck it, no one cares about the models:

Gah, Heidi's wearing disgusting cameo and it makes her look 50 years old. Don't dress in Peach's clothes, Heidi! Two models go home. That was boring and pointless. I just feel sad that that one girl got stuck with Bowler Hat the Douchebag.

CHALLENGE/SHOPPING:
-Tim is waiting for them outside a party store. Get it? cos Heidi said he was gonna throw them a party?! HAR HAAAAAR HAAAAAAAAAAAR! Oh go screw yourself, show.

-So the challenge is to create a look using materials from the party store, which seems pretty easy for the "Unconventional Challenge" we get every year (as opposed to, say, a freakin' hardware store like last season- AAAAAH I just had a flashback to Emilio's washer hooker dress and damn that thing was scary hideous). But yeah, there's all this paper and plastic crap, should be relatively easy. They're told to not use things that could be fabric, like tablecloths and stuff

-I'd use streamers and garlands and cover my model in glitter and luaus and a witch's hat. I'd so win.

-GAH! They show AJ at his audition and he had this tutu with like shit glued all over it. The dead parrot from Dumb and Dumber, and like some bubblegum and buttons and a dead doll and omg so horrible. He should excell at this. I swear that thing was worse than Rachel's Lady Gaga dress on Glee.

-HA! Gretchen is a Robot Boring BigHead who says nothing in there corresponds to her boringass designs. Because you just use black and navy and designs that other people have done a million times before? RIGHT.

-OMG I'd make a skirt out of hats. An ode to the vuvuzela. And the model could like, blow into them with a hose? and it'd be GLORIOUS. Call me, Betsy Johnson!

SKETCHING/STARTING:

-Peach terrifies me when she pulls out some Pepto Bismol pink tissue paper and BAGS COVERED IN ZEBRA STRIPES. She is SUCH an old lady sometimes.

-Gretchen talks really slow and really boring and just god this woman is so BLAND and you know she's the kind that folds her socks and labels her underwear by days of the week. Seriously, I dislike her so much that it's making me question myself.

-HA! They play psycho music as Assanova destroys some stuffed animals, and it is truly horrifying. There's stuffed guts EVERYWHERE and oh the carnage! And holy crap, he uses the skin of one as some kind of HOOD over his dress form and I DIE from laughing so hard at this psycho. Oh lord keep him around for a very long time. Dude makes Vincent look tame.

-I'm glad that at least a lot of these people seem to be having fun with colors and shapes. I feel there's been one too many seasons where it's just been blacks and purples and blahness. There are some WEIRD people this season and I love it.

-This show is so much longer this season. So there's a lot of filler crap, like they show the designers EATING which I don't think they've ever done before and is kind of unsettling to me for some reason. AJ talks too much.

-Michael C is like me and I immediately feel like we're twin souls. He says in an interview "AJ. Please. Stop. Talking." and I love him a little bit more. AJ doesn't stop talking.

-Valerie's making something black and white with napkins and I hope she wins this one. I like what's she done so far. And Gretchen fucking ruins it by saying "Valerie's gonna be at the top...with me..." Blargh.

-This is going so slow. Andy weaves some plastic thingies. Michael D has silver garlands and it cracks me up. They show Gretchen butting in to everyone's business like she has any right to just because she won. Good God shut the hell up. They all give her stink-eye.

TIM ADVICE SEGMENT!

-Thank God. That was way too much filler. Tim even said in his video blog (do you guys watch those? they're absolutely brilliant because of how honest Tim is about the show and how cracked out the judges are. He doesn't think Gretchen is all that and I love him for it).

-Michael C continues to be my favorite by calling out AJ's bullshit about how they shouldn't expect him (AJ) to rock this challenge, because MC says that's all he fucking talks about. You know, the gluing-shit-to-a-dress stuff.

-Gretchen bitches some MORE. And just, fuck, she's so irritating. You won two challenges, bitch. There's still 20 more coming and you haven't won the fucking show yet. Shut the FUCK up.

-Then this BRILLIANT thing happens where Tim is looking at Kristin's stuff and she picked up some bizarre little fuzzy ball things and apparently they're called "ANIMAL WOOLLY BALLS" and that sends Tim into a GIGGLE FIT that just kills me because it almost makes him cry. It's just beautiful. They all giggle like 12 year olds and then Tim says "I prefer the Woolly Balls" and OH I AM SURE TIM. I love him so much.

-Ivy works with Mylar Balloons. (My-lar BALLONS! MY-LAR BALLOONS!)

-Oh jeebus. Oh jeebus. Peach has a skirt made with the zebra print bags and she calls it 'subtle' and I'm like 'see ya, Peach' because OUCH. Tim says she has a piece of coal up her rear end and I'm like "TIM! HOW CRUDE!"

-Snerk. Peach and April give each other a 'bitch, please' when Tim congratulates Gretchen on her win. Ugh, she's so the teacher's pet, I feel. She's like Tracy Flick but WORSE.

-I thought Sarah would be fun, but she's really just kind of blah and sad and directionless.

MODEL TIME
-The models come in with some gift bags and tell the designers that they have to create an accessory with the materials in the bags. It seems kind of shitty considering that the colors might not match at all, and how overworked they already are.

APARTMENT TIME
-Hee. Mondo has a fake mustache. I like it. He's delightfully weird.

-April, Peach and Kristin talk about Gretchen and how they'd freak if she wins. You and me both, people. I just couldn't watch the rest of the season, I think. Gretchen says she might be in top 3 and grr. GRR. She's probably right because the judges are on CRACK. Hey, Tim Gunn said it first.

-AJ says that if something completely conservative wins this time, he doesn't see the point of him being there, and I totally agree. What's the point of trying to outdo yourself if you could just get away with making a little black dress or a black jumpsuit? None.

PRE-RUNWAY TIME
-Everyone hates Gretchen. Even the editors! While the designers talk about her, they show a little crown with 'BITCH' on it (that I think is on AJ's dress) and hee. These editors are so bitchy, I love it.

-Peach and April, who are done with their garments, offer to help out Andy finish his, and that seems really nice. Gretchen looks on with total bitch face and SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRETCHEN, YOU HAG. Andy has VISION, unlike you with your fucking boring shit that anyone could do. So if he needs a little help finishing something awesome and visionary, who the fuck are you to say anything about it? I HATE HER. How many times have I written that today? Too many. And you can see that, like evil Tracy Flick or something, she's trying very hard to not say something about it. I almost wish she would, so that someone would call her out on her boring ass designs and bitchy attitude.

RUNWAY TIME!
-At last! This show is so long.

-Heeeee! the guest judge is Betsy Johnson and I LOVE HER. I mean, who doesn't love her special brand of batshit insane? She has super huge crazy spiky hair that was probably styled with spit and glitter glue, and tons of make up and she looks deranged. I love her, even though her stores scare me. Have you seen them? They're so BRIGHT and scary.

-Sarah's only 27? BULLSHIT. She looks at LEAST 40. Dang. Sorry. I think it's the hair or something. Or how she looks like Seth Aaron's twin sister.

Here we go!

1) Christopher made a cute little flarey dress with napkins and some streaks of color. It's cute and wearable, not too crazy. Has a really nice shiny undertone that makes it look like real, expensive. A little safe, but I love the texture of it. Just adorable. He made a cute little ring from teal ribbon as his accessory.

2) Oh, Holy Santino. Michael D made this...this THING from stiff plastic and it looks like a Polly Pocket plastic dress. Or an upside-down funnel, it's so stiff. The top is basically shiny silver garland and it's just oh so fug. The bottom looks like corrugated metal and it's dirty and hideous.

3) Andy's dress is AWESOME. So he braided like a million yards of this shiny black material and put it together SOMEHOW and it's super intricate and detailed. On the side is a big black circle of the stuff and it's SO well made and incredible. I'd love a close-up look. He also made a glove as his accessory and it's perfect. I LOVE IT. It really looks like an expensive dress that some crazy singer would wear. The model totally works it, and the little black glove he made with balloons. Holy shit that's cool. Fucking fabulous.

4) AJ's is... a pink top made with wrapping paper, and a puffy skirt and has a looooot of stuff on it. Frankly it looks like something Betsy Johnson would love. I think it's a mess with too much stuff (including a silver necklace that doesn't quite go with it) and she looks like deranged barbie. It's kind of weirdly cute and bizarre, like some kid just glued all this shit to his sister's ballet dress. It's a mess.

5) Ivy's was a good idea but just makes her model look fat. It's a bunch of folded milar ballons stitched together, and I can't believe she did all that in such a short time. It's a really gorgeous texture but it's a bit too long and makes the model look HUGE. I think it was just that the material was really heavy. The styling is so weird with a bunch of floppy hair over eye. With a few tweaks it would've been truly gorgeous, I think. A great improvement for her.

6) Michael Costello's is GORGEOUS and might be my favorite with Valerie's and Andy's. It's this super long, mermaid-tale dress made of this super-bright red like plates or something, and some paper thing making the fish-tail. It looks like an expensive evening gown and I LOVE it. It looks so awesome and fun and well made. Come on, judges. Love it!

7) Feh. Peach made a stiff little white top and that horrible poodle skirt with zebra stripes and pink paper. It's very derivative and like something a really young girl would wear, which seems to be something that Peach does a lot. it's weird and I think she should go home pretty soon. She just doesn't have it. Maybe she could design for Justice. ick. But her stuff looks like the kind of things you see on the windows at Justice at the mall. Kinda Infant Slut.

I applaud these judges for being able to keep total poker faces sometimes. I know I'd be cringing and laughing and probably throwing shit at the ugly designs. "GRETCHEN, WHY DON'T YOU SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. HERE ARE SOME MATCHES", I'd say.

I'll never be a judge.

8)GAH. Gretchen made a skirt out of garlands (BORING) and a grey top (BORING) and a jacket of some sort that is BORING and she gave the model these super long tan boots that are hideous. It looks like something Gretchen would wear, which is to say: boring and unoriginal and very 90s-cigarette-ad. I swear, if she wins for using GARLANDS I'm gonna pitch a fit. Fine, the jacket is cute, but blargh. The skirt is stupid. Do YOU want to go out looking like you're wearing pom-poms? NO.

9) Ooh Mondo's thing is pretty cute, if awfully pink. He made a top with pink plastic plates that sort of rib over each other, and a short skirt with I think lais of this bright pink color. It looks like a fun party outfit. There's basically no back to the top, which is really impressive. He used tights again. Mondo really does have impeccable sewing skills and he does great things with texture. I also love his model; she's absolutely gorgeous.

10) GAH, what the fuck IS that? Ursula from the Little Mermaid? NO! It's just Casanova's monstrosity of a dress! It's this long hideous black thing with ruffles down the side and the back and this shiny top? And he used the stuffed animals for...a freakin "fur" stole around her neck. You murdered puppies for THAT? Oh shit that thing's ugly. GO HOME. It's like he glued three things together and each one was hideous and they made one Hideous Monster that will eat the world. GAH.

11)Heh. Kristin's is a short dress with a lime green skirt made of ribbon over a gold skirt. I think she used stiff paper for the top. It's an ugly mess.

12) April made another black thing. It's spiky and weird and looks like a crystal cavern. It's just really kind of boring. also could poke your eye out, probably. Gaga lite.

13) Oh, geez. Sarah's is not pretty. It's a grey plasticky bodice and she just haphazardly pasted the blue palm-leaf things over it and it's just terrible. Looks like a kid's project. Horrible use of the palm leaves. And she knows it's not good. Uh-oh.

14)Valerie's napkin skirt is GORGEOUS. She must have glued together a thousand of those things. It's black and white, and there's a very deep decolletage going on and I really love it. She clearly thinks about shapes and fn things and I really like that. The back is also stunning, a black-and-white braid crossed down the middle. LOVE IT.

OK my top three: Michael C, Valerie and Andy. Andy should win for sheer awesomeness and hard work.

Bottom three: Sarah, Casanova and Gretchen because I hate her. Or Michael D. Hmm. Casanova should go home, if not Sarah.

JUDGING TIME!

-Baaah! they didn't call on Michael C to stay. Gretchen gets to stay?! the fuck is wrong with these judges! BLARGH.

-They pick Andy, Casanova, Sarah, Gretchen, Valerie and AJ.

-The others, backstage, point out that it's good that Andy is up there for being innovative and creative. It's obvious that they, like me, think that Gretchen isn't either of those things. Just boringly safe. I swear, if Andy doesn't win...Grr. And if Gretchen wins? GRR. I won't give up on the season but I'll be mightily pissed.

-Heidi tells them that the models leave if the designer does. Ouch, but fair. Also the winners very rarely pick another model, so.

JUDGMENT TIME

-The judges love Valerie's dress, but that her accessory is kind of lame. Oh I just love the skirt. Heeeee. Betsy says how you can wipe yourself on the dress, which I don't think Val wants to do, but she laughs because Betsy is insane and probably super high on like, hairspray fumes. The judges just don't seem to like Valerie that much for some reason, and seem just unnecessarily harsh or blase about her. I just don't get it.

-AJ. Oh lord. She looks like she's wearing the party store. The judges hate it. Heidi says it looks silly, and it does. It does look like he just threw shit at her. Ha. Nina says it looks like a hot mess, AJ says thanks and Heidi gets REALLY mad saying it wasn't a compliment. GAH, the crotch does look hideous. He has like hanging necklaces. It's...ugh. Betsy (who you'd think would love it) says she would have liked if he had taken it further. I guess he took a chance. Unlike SOME people.

-Andy. The more I look at that dress the more I love it. I want to touch it. Holy crap I love that thing. The styling is so perfect with the long ponytail and mirror-earrings. I think the judges don't love it ENOUGH. Bah. They should go insane over it and they're just lukewarm. What is WRONG with them? Betsy even calls it "too perfect" like that's a BAD thing.

-Casanova. God that thing looks she's a disco ball that got a giant ruffle stuck on it. HAHAHA Kors says she looks like a "transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral" AND YES IT DOES. Sometimes Kors just speaks shit but man that was so appropriate.

-Sarah. Oh poor Sarah. That looks terrible and I think she knows it. They say it looks sad, and too simple and not really thought out. Post-show note: I feel that if she had only pushed herself a little further she could have made something safe instead of ugly and Casanova would've gone home.

-OK I admit I like Gretchen's paper bag jacket. But it's too much like fabric. And stringing together garlands isn't exactly innovative. I said garlands at the start, didn't I? And I'm not on PR. Nina calls it fabulous. WHY DO THEY LIKE HER SO MUCH? *FACEPALM* The boots are terrible. God she's probably gonna win and I'm gonna pitch a fit.

BACKSTAGE FILLER TIME

-Backstage Gretchen is STILL a giant bitch. They ask Andy what they said about his dress, and she keeps interrupting, even saying "CAN I TALK FOR A MINUTE" and GRETCHEN THAT IS ALL YOU FUCKING DO and no one asked for your opinion. Gah I hate people like that. And she starts once again giving her opinion and how CAN YOU NOT HATE THIS BITCH. AJ says, tiredly and super bitchily (and I love it) that she talks too much. Aaaaand she blames it on him being in the bottom 3, and everyone looks super uncomfortable and like they're thinking "GRETCHEN IS A GIANT SLUG AND I WANNA DUMP SALT ON HER". Which she is. And we do, too. AJ just laughs, because what can you do with such delusion?

FINAL SEGMENT
-Kors says Cassie doesn't have taste. I agree. They say Sarah did nothing, and they're right. I hate agreeing with them. But...see, I hate how they're all "YOU SHOULD DO MORE" to the ones they don't like, but they look at Gretchen's shit and don't think that? When she always does the minimum? WHAT is going on here? I'd be seriously pissed if I were one of the designers, because how the hell do you know what will make these people happy? Tim also pointed out in his blog that the judging gets WORSE as the season goes on, and oh boy. I expect a lot of murderous words against Kors this season.

-They just think Val's is pretty. WHICH...I DON'T GET IT. Because it was so innovative and made great use of the materials they had. Same with Andy's. Why don't they like their stuff more? Look at everything Andy did! GRETCHEN FUCKING GLUED GARLANDS TOGETHER. Grr she's gonna win isn't she. I hate these people. They don't know what the fuck they want.

-OH YAY, ANDY WINS! THANK GOD. Stuff it down your bitch throat, Gretchen! HAAAAAAA! OK that was mean. But that woman makes me so angry, even though part of my hatred is because the judges are so delusional. Anyway. I love you and your cheekbones, Andy!

-Oh, go cry into your bitch pillow, Gretchen. Gah. I can't stop.

-AJ's in. Yay. I think he can do more. Aw, Sarah's out. But...I think she just hadn't done enough, and her previous garment wasn't very pretty, either. Casanova did a hideous first look but his second one was alright. Sarah just didn't have a lot going on. So it's fitting.

-She's very cool about it, and I like that. She knows it wasn't great so there we go. I like her attitude.

-And then...AMBULANCE! EEK! Eeeek! Ivy passed out in the hall! Scary! Maybe it was from sniffing too much hot glue? Oh lord, I hope she's OK.

And that's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed the madness, and don't forget to check out Tim's blog and video blog. They're on the Lifetime website.

The Pain: Chapter 18

2010-08-12T12:07:00.008-05:00

Be warned: this is where the "plot" starts. Just writing that makes me scoff and feel like a liar, because...well fuck it, it's not a plot but shit (stupid shit) sort of happens. So the chapters are blissfully short, but no less stupid, which is a marvel in itself. They're just as bad, but we get fewer longing stares, which is something. So, same old, basically. I'm rambling. Let's get to it.

Chapter 18: The Hunt
[AKA: the hunt for something to redeem this book is once again a miserable failure]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 39

Quick n Hard Summary:
The Pretty Clan and Klutz have their boring-ass baseball game interrupted by three new vampires, one chick and two dudes. They're blood-drinkers, so they're the closest thing to real vampires this book has. Then one of them smells Bella and freaks out by her dookie smell, saying he wants to eat her. Eddie gets all territorial and the other three go away, and then they all freak out because the one dude is probably gonna do everything to hunt down Bella. I say just let him have her, but no...They start driving Bella away to wherever but then decide to come up with some retarded plan to throw James off the scent. It's stupid, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

Real-Time Notes:

-If vampires can smell Bella from miles away why don't you just cover her in mud or garlic or bear shit? You're in the WOODS. THINK, PEOPLE, THINK!

The thought of Bella covered in bear shit fills me with glee.

-Three vampires come into the clearing, two dudes and one chick. They move like hunters and are dressed in frayed clothes and are barefoot. I love how the most menacing thing Poop can think of is hippies.

OK, fine, that's pretty terrifying. You win this one, Poop.

- Their eyes are red. Their leader, Laurent, is all hot and whatever and talks with a french accent, which means he's probably evil and maybe gay. Everyone knows the Gay French are the evilest. The woman's name is Victoria and she has slutty red hair. James is boring but seems alert. He claims they just want to play baseball.

I love it. The three biggest threats to Poop seem to be The Gay French, Slutty Women and Plain Looking Dudes. AWESOME.

-"Of course." Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed. A shiver ran up my spine."

Semi-real vampires for once, hurrah! Of course the Cullens treat them like hillbillies who eat roadkill, because the Cullens are snobs and wouldn't let these people into their Country Club of the Gorgeous.

Oh how unspeakably plebeian! Please to take your stench elsewhere, you thing!

I don't even know.

- You guys, something is HAPPENING. I don't know how to deal with this! I mean, it's pretty lame and whatever and there's still Sparklepires, but at least it's not Sparklutz looking at each other, you know?

- Suddenly James smells Bella's dookie smell and everyone freaks out. Seriously, guys. A nice bear shit mask would've saved you so many problems.

-"You brought a snack?" he asked, his expression incredulous as he took an involuntary step forward. Edward snarled even more ferociously, harshly, his lip curling high above his glistening, bared teeth."

RAWR. I PEED ON HER FIRST. WOMAN MINE. RAWR! RAWR! Also, glistening teeth? That's disgusting.

Oh, Edward, you're so manly!

-The hippies leave and everyone freaks the fuck out. Edward drags Bella away, stuffs her in the car and starts driving away...not towards her house. Lovely! And they refuse to tell her what's up because that will help the girl calm down! Everyone in this family is an asshole.

-"You don't understand," he roared in frustration. I'd never heard his voice so loud; it was deafening in the confines of the Jeep. The speedometer neared one hundred and fifteen."

Oh yeah this guy's a fucking PRIZE. We get this vague idea (another failure of first-person narration) that Eddie read in James' mind just how bad he wants to eat Bella or whatever, but the fact that they don't SAY THIS TO BELLA is really fucking stupid and not helpful at all. So she's freaking out in the car and no one is telling her anything, specially her boyfriend, who is just screaming at her and generally being a dick. I hate that sparkly fuck.

-So after forever they tell her that James wants to hunt her down (for no reason at all other than Mary Sue must be in constant danger), and Bella freaks out because he'll probably try to get to Charlie, though if he wants Bella then who cares? And heh, way to care about your dad NOW, Selfish McStupidson.

-"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him." Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."

Ha I knew I liked Emmett. So why don't they just DO THAT? There's like 7 of these sparkly bastards against one of him, and their best idea is to drive Bella really far away, even though they KNOW that vampires are super fast and can stay on a scent forever? Gah it's like the prettier you are the dumber you get.

Secretly a genius, in Poop's Universe.

-WHOA. STOP THE PRESSES. Bella actually has an IDEA. *GASP SHOCK AWE*! Everyone is as shocked as I am, which is pretty hilarious. Her idea is to pretend to go to Phoenix so James will follow them and then they can hide Bella.

*FACEPALM*
(Also my new favorite photo in the world. I love the internet.)

-"You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

Edward you are SUCH an asshole.

-"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," he said between clenched teeth."

JUST THIS ONCE? When the hell have you ever let this girl do ANYTHING her way? Fuck off, Sparkles, you controlling twat. Yet another failure on Poop's part--we're supposed to believe that Eddie is justifiably frustrated by the way that Bella disobeys him or whatever the hell, but all we know is that Bella is stupid and never does anything out of her own resolve. So it's just another instance of Poop telling us that a character is whatever without actually showing us any proof that the character is this way. You know? It's just terrible fucking writing all around.

-There's a lot of yelling and planning and it all seems really stupid when they could just wait for this dude at Bella's house and kill him. What the hell does it matter? At least in True Blood they have a vampire hierarchy that keeps you from killing another vampire. In this case there are NO CONSEQUENCES to killing the dude that's after your girlfriend. Just kill him!

-Um, so the stupid plan seems to be that Bella will pretend to be going to Phoenix all angry at her dad or whatever, and because James will be listening he'll know they know and won't believe she's going. And Rosie and Esme will lay a fake scent trail for James to follow. Bella WILL go to Phoenix, with Jasper and Alice. And then Eddie will meet them there.

This is the dumbest plan in the history of plans. I've seen smarter plots in cartoons meant for infants.

That one episode where they waved at the sun?
That had a better plot than this shit.

Also the idea of the vampires taking a flight leads me into another tangent. Do these people have IDs or something? and how do they justify getting new ones every 40 years or whatever? Is one of them just an expert at faking documents or something? What happens when they go through security or a body scan? Hmmm?

Oh fuck, who cares. Poop clearly didn't think about anything, why should I?

-"What are you going to do in Phoenix?" he asked her scathingly. "Stay indoors."

Oh, because people will be sooooooo freaked out about people wearing body glitter in PHOENIX. OK I don't know anything about Phoenix, but come on. What the hell are the consequences of someone seeing that they glitter, for crying out loud. We've been through this. People won't give a shit.

If THIS guy could become not only accepted but well loved,
what the fuck do you have to worry about?

- "Bella." Edward's voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. "If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"

Yeah, THAT will calm her down. Could this guy BE more of a douchebag? Blargh.

-Chapter ends! huzzah, that was short and now Sparklutz is separated YAY!

**

Final Impression: Poop fails at plotting, obviously. I hate that the only problems Bella faces are from other vampires and not Edward, so she'll never learn anything (because he's different!). Every character in this book is a dumbass.

Final Grade: D, because at least the vampire trio was amusing, and because someone wants to kill Bella, an idea I fully support.

Quickie: Godtopus Eats

2010-08-11T14:00:00.002-05:00

Just a quickie to pimp out the other blog I'm contributing to, Godtopus Eats. You have to check it out if you haven't yet; there's some incredible recipes in there, some from yours truly.

I made this last night and haven't been able to stop eating it since then, it's that good. You can click on my name at the top to see my other contributions. It's fairly new so expect a lot more deliciousness to come. I've made a few things that other people have posted and haven't been disappointed. They're mostly really easy to make and just delicious.

So be sure to check it out! And expect another episode of The Pain pretty soon. Maybe today if I can stop being lazy.

Project Runway Recap: Season 8, Episode 2

2010-08-09T11:41:00.006-05:00

A new season of Project Runway started a couple of weeks ago. It's always been one of my favorite shows--the combination of reality show drama/personalities mixed with watching the (admittedly skewed) process of creating fashion is a winning combination for me. Plus, there's Tim Gunn, who is hands-down the coolest person on television. Anyway, this is one of the few shows that I love reading the recaps for. There's a lot of details you can miss pretty easily, and a lot of people do wonders with the snark. But I've always felt that the recaps are either too long or too short; too detailed or not detailed enough. So I figured, why the hell not write my own? I realized that I have a lot of pent-up snark and love for this show and no one's really gonna give me what I want in a recap. And I need a break from writing horrendous Twilight recaps.

I'm still trying to figure out how I'll write the recaps. I figure anyone who reads this will have already watched the show, so a blow-by-blow probably won't be a lot of fun. So I'll try to mix a recap of what happened with a lot of commentary, because heaven knows that this particular group of people is already driving me insane. And we're on episode 2. So, just keep in mind that I've never tried a TV show recap, so give me some slack. Comments will be greatly appreciated, of course.

**

Alright, so I'm starting this on Episode 2 because, well, I just decided to start this and Lifetime doesn't have that episode available anymore. Here's where we're at: There were 17 people and they had 5 hours to make an outfit using a garment another contestant had given them. There was a lot of really ugly shit, a lot of boring stuff, and nothing really spectacular, though what can you expect when you give people 5 hours to make something? Anyway, the judges teased us by pretending that one or more people might leave (this will be relevant later) but in the end they just kicked out McKell, a hippie lady who made what I thought was a fairly harmless shiny dress. There were at least three people who made more hideous things but they were given a second chance for some reason. Then the contestants got to move into their fancy apartments and that's where we're at now.

To start, I'll give you a quick rundown of the contestants and how I feel about them, because, yes, after one episode I already have very strong opinions on some of them. In general, I don't have a lot of hope for this season.

1) Casanova (Cassie): He's got a gigantic head and an obnoxious pseudo-Puerto Rican accent. I say pseudo because it just sounds so completely affected and terrible. For the first challenge he made this hideous thing that looked like string and handkerchiefs. He pretends to not understand English too well, which is kind of clever of him. He looks like Ron Pearlman's ugly cousin.

2) Jason (Bowler Hat): He wears a bowler hat, which immediately lets you know he's a massive douchebag. He claims it intimidates people. I think it makes people want to stuff it down his throat. For the first challenge he made his model wear a robe backwards, basically. I already hate him so very, very much.

3) Mondo (Giant Head): Yeah, his name is Mondo. He's very, very strange, but seems talented. He's kind of quiet and stand-offish, so people don't seem to know just what to make of him. Too early to tell, maybe. For the first challenge he used a really hideous chartreuse/vomit fabric to make an actually pretty dress. I think he has some form of Asperger's.

4) Gretchen (Boring Hag): She won the first challenge for making a black dress with some shiny fabric on the shoulders. THAT WAS IT. She spends a lot of time bitching about other people and criticizing them in her interviews, which is very annoying because she's really not that talented. She's unoriginal and boring and I don't like her at all.

5) Andy (Cheekbones): he's Asian and has seriously magnificent cheekbones. Stupid hair, but those cheekbones are impressive. He's kind of stayed in the background so I don't know much about him yet. Seems nice though.

6) AJ (AJ): He seemed really cute and unassuming the first episode, but I've changed my mind on him. He's from the Midwest and at first gave off the impression of someone really sweet and harmless, but turns out he's kind of mean. He made a couple of nice outfits.

7) Sarah: She looks so much like last season's Seth Aaron that for a second I thought they might be brother and sister. She has super-bleached blond hair and is kind of a Tough Chick. Her outfits have been really underwhelming and she's used questionable colors.

8) Ivy (Screech): she's small and super screechy. Also seems incredibly full of herself though from what we've seen there's no reason for it. For the first challenge she got a pair of pants and made...pants out of them. Also made a hideous top. I think she'll be gone pretty soon. I hope so, because she's already driving me insane.

9) Valerie: She seems like a lot of fun and can be pretty hilarious. She's very perky but not annoying so far.

10) Nicholas: He just seems kind of sad and aimless. He made a terribly boring dress for the first challenge and almost went home. He seems nice and a bit of a pushover and not terribly talented, but I liked him.

11) Michael D : There's two Michaels, and this is the one with the ear studs who is fairly cute and seems talented. He's been in the background quite a bit so I don't know much about him yet. I get him and Christopher confused a lot.

12) Michael C: The other Michael seems like he'll be the much-needed comic relief for this season. He hasn't talked much but what he's said has been pretty funny. I like him and he's made a couple of nice outfits. He's sort of short and roundish and seems fun.

13) Kristin: I want to keep calling her Terry because she looks so much like the Terry that was on the show a couple of seasons ago (the season with Kenley, I think? Terrible season all around). She's very tall and very skinny and has big hair. Her clothes haven't been very impressive at all, but she's nice. Don't expect her to be around for very long, to be honest.

14) Peach: She's 50 and hilarious. I think she knows she's slightly out of her depth, but she makes cute clothes that aren't exactly groundbreaking but people will wear them. She seems kind of frantic sometimes and really needs to step it up if she wants to stick around much longer.

15) April: she's the blonde who just got out of college, so probably doesn't have any staying power on the show. She's made some pretty bland looks and is kind of bitchy in interviews.

16) Christopher: I have no idea who this guy is. I think he looks like the other Michael (the one who's not round?) And he's cute? I really can't remember. I'm terrible.

OK I think that's it. Damn, that's a lot of people. Too many. Let's get rid of more of them quick!

-Insane Credits Segment: Casanova tries to roundhouse kick me and I hate him. Mondo is wearing shorts and knee high white socks and a BOWTIE and I think suspenders but I passed out from the fug and went momentarily blind. Jeebus. Someone says (Andy?) says "better watch your ass" and...come on, we already know this is the gayest show on television. No need to make it more obvious.

-Challenge Segment! So the designers go to the famous rooftop where Heidi, Tim and some other lady who turns out to be the Editor-in-Chief of Marie Claire are waiting for them. Hey, remember when the first episode would always have the designers drinking champagne with La Klum and Le Gunn? Now it's like they can't even spare champagne for these poor people.

They're told that the first challenge will be incredibly boring. I mean, that they'll have to design a look that 'exemplifies the Marie Claire woman' or some shit. The Editor throws out some seriously meaningless words describing said woman (chic! elegant! tomato! fashion! elegant! firetruck! timeless!) that are just completely unhelpful. Everyone knows that she just means "safely pretty". This isn't V Magazine or even Vogue. The MC woman is fucking boring, is my point. So right off the bat I'm expecting completely boring, safe, pretty dresses that won't really show what the designers are capable of. Everyone's gonna want to be on the safe side. And (spoiler!) I'm right. Specially because the prize is so huge (HA GET IT): they get to have their dress photographed and put on a giant billboard in Times Square. It's a nice prize, I guess.

[Oh I just want to point out that I took my notes before I knew who'd win and lose. Now I know but I'll try to keep my original impressions as they were. Whenever I use a quote directly from these notes I'll put it in italics. Like so:]

Joanna throws out a bunch of random words --oh good lord they show the designers AJ (the cute guy from Missouri) is wearing a SAILOR'S CAP and has a super-blue sweater and a yellow tie and he looks like a Lego Boat Captain. Holee shit.

-Sketching Session Segment: Gretchen says she'll do pants for the first time ever (that's always such a great idea! good! GO HOME GRETCHEN) and sketches what looks like sausage casings. I mean, a jumpsuit. God I hate jumpsuits. They're hideous and NO ONE looks good in them, ever. Maybe mechanics. Then blargh, Jason (Bowler Hat Douche) says he's gonna make 'an infinity dress' which means NOTHING but seems to incorporate a figure 8. He claims it's like the infinity symbol and someone needs to tell him that that's an 8 turned on its side. Twit. But I hate him so I'm glad no one does. "What's better than infinity" he says in his monotone voice. SHUT THE HELL UP, HAT. Or, appropriately enough, Asshat.

Oh, lord. AJ says one of his inspirations is Courtney Love and I think; honey, have you LOOKED at Courtney Love lately? she dresses in hotel sheets and cardboard shoes and has CRAZY HAIR. Oh, AJ. His sketch does look pretty though.

-Mood Shopping Segment: There's a lot of frantic shopping. I never care about this part. But then Ivy goes "OH GAAAAWD WHAT A NIGHTMAAAAAAAARE" in this super screechy horrible voice and I want to punch her. Gah, this show makes me so violent.

-Starting up Segment Highlights: Peach has this super-hideous fabric that's bright pink polka dots on a white background. It looks like it'd be a nice tablecloth for a kid's tea party. There's a weird moment where Cassie asks AJ for help, and AJ is kind of a bitch about it, but Cassie takes it well. I don't get what it was all about but it doesn't really matter.

-Tim Gunn Advice Segment! It's always my favorite, though he's been kind of bad luck lately. Like, he told McKell her dress was great and she went home. I just think the judges and Tim are completely at odds for some reason. He goes around complimenting people. Then he gets to Jason. And this happens. I need a whole new paragraph for this fucknuttery.

Jason's idea of an "8" dress sounds as stupid to Tim as it does to me. You know Tim is thinking "This bitch is crazy and I hate him and his stupid hat" because Tim and I are like *this*. But he's way nicer than me and just says he's "concerned". Then Bowler Hat Giant Douchebag says this: "I'm straight man in a gay man's world, don't be so hard on me" and I WANT TO KILL HIM IN HIS FUCKING FACE. Because what the holy flying fuck is that supposed to mean?! did someone force you onto this? OH YOU POOR WHITE STRAIGHT GUY. So many challenges for you in the fashion world, even though some of the greatest designers have been straight! Even though the fashion world doesn't give a shit what you are as long as you make pretty things? FUCK YOU, BOWLER HAT. I HOPE YOU BURN FROM THE LOOK TIM GIVES YOU. I am STILL angry at this fuck. He's got massive issues and thinks everyone is against him and I HATE people like that. Grr. GRR.

Argh. Deep breath. OK. Some other "highlights": Casanova pretends not to understand what Tim is saying when he calls his stuff "matronly". Nicholas overhears and then tells us in an interview that it's "funny" how Cassie speaks perfectly good English to them but seems to magically lose it when the judges or Tim Gunn speak English to him (remember that last episode they had to have Nina translate for him at judging).

And then I like April because she says Gretchen is not creative and she's so right. Fucking jumpsuit. THEN Gretchen claims that Nicholas 'stole' the idea for the back of his dress from the sad sack of a boring dress she made last time. Come ON. Just because he also has a giant swatch of nude back like you did doesn't make him a thief, you boring sad sack. You're not the first person to do something like that. Or anything, because you've never had an original idea. Anyway. Michael C's has a bow on the back, and ick. So cliched. Nicholas is making a hideous cape thing for his dress. Peach is screwed and has to start over. Tim is very harsh to all of them which is good, because they're all so boring.

-Surprise Element Segment: I always hate these. Like these designers aren't stretched for time enough, they then add some new thing they have to do, then they complain when things aren't finished. It's what makes this show not as good as it could be, I think. Because what are the chances that a look will be exactly as the designer imagined? And, really, you just can't know everything about the designer from a one-day dress. They do cull out the bad ones, but you never know if someone just go unlucky that day. Anyhoo. The surprise is that they have to do a photoshoot the next day, which I thought was gonna determine the photo that would go up on the billboard, but no. They have to be more careful with styling and stuff.

-Back to the Apartment Segment: Everyone seems to be getting along great, which is nice but annoying because I WANT SOME DRAMA. Where's our Wendy Pepper for this season?! Our Kenley? Oh how I hated Kenley and her stupid face. I want Santino and Andrae, or Chris March! Gawd was there anyone better than Chris March? Ooh and Anthony! They really should have an All Star season with people who didn't win or show at fashion week. Could be fab.

Oh God, poor Mondo says he's all lonely and how he hasn't connected. I don't know...it seems like he's not trying. But that's weird and sad for him and I get it. He starts crying and I feel bad for making fun of him. Then he says it's because of his 'gift and his talent' and I don't think he gets why people don't find that annoying. I say Asperger's. And Big Head. I'm horrible.

-Photoshoot segment! This was pretty silly to do at the start of the day. Because one of the best things on this show is getting the surprise of the looks as they show up on the Runway, but we're seeing a lot of them during the shoot, which kind of ruins the surprise. There's some good moments: Valerie's dress is gorgeous and she has a great photo. Peach calls her dress "Sofa Barbie" which is SO TRUE because that dress is fug. Bowler Hat's dress is more horrible than I could ever describe and his photo makes the chick look like a really short, angry lesbian. NOT GOOD AT ALL. And you can see this glaring hole near her button hole that has a SAFETY PIN holding the dress together. SO HIDEOUS. But more on that later. I wish people would stop taking photos of jumping models on blank backgrounds. It's such a cliche. Like jumpsuits.

They throw out some really hilarious things about what they want the models to do. She's a Dean on her way to a lunch around the corner at Subway!! she's futuristic barista! she's a teacher! a dog trainer! SHE HAS A HOUSE ON THE SUBURBS AND LIKES BUBBLES or whatever.

-Runway Segment: At last! Heidi looks hideous in a snow-leopard print blouse and too many bangs. I hate that she's so pretty. Michael Kors is very, very orange as usual. Nina looks seriously mean and pissed, as usual. Guest judge is the EiC of Marie Claire. Here we go with the looks! Note: I know fuck all about fabrics and fashion so I'll probably be terrible at describing these things. Bear with me.

1) Nicholas the Sad Sack did a greyish skirt, purplish top and that...terrible fucking cape. It would be so much nicer without that thing. There's just no reason for that thing, and in the photo the model has it on her hand like a limp dead thing. It's...kind of cute without the cape. Not terribly impressive. He's just not that good.

2) Christopher the Cute Guy also made a black pencil skirt and a cute black top with a round neckline and poofy things that come out of the shoulders, neck and waist (see? I'm terrrible). There's yellow cloth peeking from underneath and I like that. But it looks secretarial, so perfect for Marie Claire. Really safe and kind of meh. Really well made. Definitely not a winner, I don't think.

3) Oh, holy shit, here's Jason's . It is seriously hideous and one of the worst things I've ever seen on this show. It's shiny and silver with some dull gray cloth on the collar and it kind looks like a badly wraped towel. I don't even see an 8, I just see hideousness. The model looks REALLY short and fat in the photo, because he gave her no neck and put her in flat boots. Fucking terrible in every way imaginable. And you can see the safety pins of bullshit. NO. JUST NO. Everything about it is terrible. He KNEW what his model looked like, and he still picked out a hideous color that washed her out. He styled her so that she looked fat. He knew this was for MC and what the fuck did he do? No one would wear that. Ever.

AND THEN. And then he says "I think I stumbled upon something" I say Yeah, a pile of shit. "it was impeccable the way it was sewn" IT WAS HELD TOGETHER BY FUCKING SAFETY PINS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! It doesn't fit the model at ALL, it bunches in the wrong places, it's hideous. And he paired it with hideous black boots! This dude is DELUSIONAL. Maybe the hat just heated up his stupid head too much. Ugh. I can't wait for the butchering. Nina is practically licking her lips at the idea of tasting his blood. BITE HIS HEAD OFF, NINA.

4) Oh! Michael C (funny chubby guy) changed his look around so it doesn't look as old as Tim told him it did. It's a nice little dress in this metallic pattern. There's some big folds on the skirt and I think it looks nice. She's really well styled, too. It fits her so well, specially across the chest. No one with a real chest could wear it, but the model looks nice.

5) AJ's is pretty cool, and looks even better in the photo. It's yellow and black (I LOVE yellow) and has this giant black belt across the middle. I just think it's so pretty, but unfortunately the fit across the waist is really weird and the fabric bunches and it looks like she's impregnated by an alien (as he says). It just doesn't move well, which is unfortunate. Good idea but poor execution.

6) Ouch. Peach's is not pretty. It's this really simple, boring dress in the hideous polka dot pattern. There's some weird bunched brown fabric at the top. It's really bad. Like the sleeves are different sizes. She's very lucky that Jason's was worse. It's a nice idea, but the fabrics are so wrong.

7)Michael D's is pretty cool. This sort of stripey-cagey fabric into a mini dress with giant cap sleeves. It looks like something that Heidi would wear. It's REALLY cool. But it's extremely short. EXTREMELY. I really liked the shoulder thing though.

8) Ivy's is super fucking boring. Just a grey little dress with some super light piping. Blargh.

(notice how ALL of these are little short dresses. Blargh)

9) I really love Valerie's--it's this gorgeous tomato-red dress with a big zipper down the middle and a gorgeous collar and neckline. I love it and her photo is so gorgeous, it would look very nice on a billboard. Great color--I think only her and Andy had fun with the colors and didn't make them all blah grays and winter colors.

10) Ick, I do not like Sarah's. It's a super-high waisted grey skirt that comes up to her boobs where it turns into purple fabric. there's a v-neck that's really ugly and some cap sleeves with hideous peach-orange bits coming out. It's ugly. UGLY. And makes her model look fat. It has a sailor-neck. Blargh.

11) Andy made some huuuuuge flowy gray pants and a nice purple top. It's...nice. Looks like a very professional, boring woman. Who buys Marie Claire. It's nice, but very boring. Might just win. The sleeves look like gills or something. The model makes some really hideous faces though.

12) Eesh. Casanova made an outfit that Peach (the 50 year old lady) could wear to a fancy dinner party. it's a white skirt and a dark blue blouse with giant sleeves and a big black belt. It's super old and matronly and he didn't really listen to what Tim said. Boring.

13) Kristin's is weird. Looks like it was ripped apart and went through a windstorm. She has an a-symmetrical cream skirt, a little vest-top and a big peach amoeba sitting on the girl's neck. I don't like it and it doesn't fit her well. The length is all wrong and weird.

14) Fucking Gretchen made a jumpsuit. It's hideous because I HATE JUMPSUITS, but even if you do it's just super boring. It tapers at the shin an has giant sleeves that look like any second they'll flare out and a boob will pop out. It's black or navy and just fucking incredibly ugly and there's nothing original about it. I'm trying to get past my hatred of jumpsuits here, but it's just so fucking boring. It looks like a fucking suit on a mechanic. Ick. So far she's made two completely unoriginal, boring, flarey black things and god I don't like her.

15) Mondo's is really cute. Definitely the best photo of the bunch. She's wearing tights and has a very layered skirt of houndstooth, I think. Nice black top that's sort of ruined by this ugly neckerchief made of some sheer white fabric and pink polka dots. Ick. Would be so much nicer without it. His model is gorgeous though, and looks like Pocahontas. The skirt is gorgeous and original.

God, that's a lot of people.

16) April's is blah. it's this weird little dress in gray (PEOPLE, USE SOME MORE COLORS) and this weird top made of like tissue paper that flares out at the top.

Jeez, it's finally over.

OK my top three before the judges give theirs: Michael Costello, Mondo and Valerie. Though I don't really love any of them. Bottom three: Jason (the worst), Gretchen and Kristin.

Nicholas, Gretchen, Peach, Jason, Valerie and Mondo are left on stage. I was close! Just Nicholas instead of Michael.

-Judging Segment:

Peach is first. She tries vaguely to defend it. Heidi says it's really boring and has no sex appeal. It's very true. Kors calls it "Amish lunch" which is stupid. It looks very old. And like there's an animal going down her back. Hee. Peach owns up to it and says how she had trouble, which is good.

Valerie. She says how it's embodying the spirit of New York and I agree. I think someone could definitely wear it. it's very pretty. The judges really like how it's simple and sexy. And the red was a good choice for a billboard. It shows that she really thought about it. And she should win.

Oh, boy, Jason. God that thing is hideous. He claims he likes it and I think it's bullshit, unless he's seriously deluded. Nina points out the safety pins. They say how obvious it is that it's not MC. It's not ANYONE. Hee. Kors is delightfully bitchy and says how she wouldn't wear it at night (because it's a fucking satin piece of shit) or day because it looks like a walk of shame dress. Hee. He's so right sometimes. It would look so horrible on a billboard. It's just fucking hideous.

Gretchen's stupid jumpsuit. God I hate that thing. She's also jumping on the photo which is so fucking boring. IT'S SO DAMN FUCKING BORING. The day-to-evening shit consists of opening up the front a bit more. COME ON HER TITS ARE GONNA POP OUT. BULLSHIT. The fucking judges love it and I HATE IT. It's effortless because IT'S SO FUCKING BORING. ARGH ARGH ARGH. NO WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS SHIT? WHY! And you know what? It's so fucking perfect that they like it, because these judges always claim they want to see something new and great but they really don't. They want someone who will fit in the middle of the pack and not be a threat to anyone. THAT SUCKS. I WANT NEW JUDGES.

You know what I think it is? Jumpsuits are in for some fucking reason, and Gretchen just copied one and they love it. There's nothing at ALL original or exciting about that thing. Nothing at all. It's a navy jumpsuit. THAT IS IT. If they're just looking for someone safe then say so. Blargh.

Nicholas. Nina says there's too many details, and I agree. The cape is way too much. I think Nicholas just doesn't know what he wants to do. He has no direction and no real idea of what his style is. The blouse is actually pretty, but drowned out by everything else.

Mondo's. I love his photo and the model is just gorgeous. The styling from head to toe is perfect. I'd love the hell out of that billboard. The judges love it and he's really happy, which makes me happy. I think he should win because of the photo and the perfect styling.

-Judges Deliberate Segment: Hee! Joanna wonders if Jason has ever even spoken to a woman, and I bet not. He's the sort of guy who thinks a woman is bitchy because they think he's a creep. Just one of those guys that always think the problem is other people, never them . KICK HIM OUT. They annoy me because they love how Mondo's look was really innovative and cute, but then they turn around and praise the jumpsuit, which is the most derivative thing ever? I don't think these people know what the hell they want.

-Decision Time Segment: They give it to the motherfucking jumpsuit and I scream because I'm so angry. But you know what? If they really want to tell the world that the Marie Claire woman is completely fucking unoriginal and boring and will only buy something because it's trendy, then this is perfect for it. Enjoy being the outcast magazine forever.

Jason's out, thank God. He's a perfect bastard at the end, barely saying goodbye and not sticking around at all. Good riddance, you horrible person.

AND THEN. Then they say Nicholas is out and his face just CRUMPLES. It's heartbreaking. And...OK I don't think he was the best one around but why kick him out this time? You're saying his was as bad as Jason's and that's patently not true. On the other hand, he would've been out sooner or later. But it's still sad and it seems like they kicked him out just to make this a gimmick. And you KNOW that in the future we'll have a no-elimination episode because of this. We know how these shows work, people. Blargh.

-And that's it. It was boring and these designers just aren't very inspiring. Now that Jason's out I won't have anyone to really hate (except Gretchen). I don't even love any of them. It's very early, but we should at least have someone who really stands out, shouldn't we? We'll see.

I hope it gets better, because it'll take a LOT for me to forget that fucking jumpsuit.

**

OK that was WAY too long. If you're still around, hope you enjoyed and I'd appreciate some notes on how it was! I'll try to edit it as much as I can. I'll leave in the bit with the contestants but that'll definitely not be there next time. Anyway, see you next week!

The Pain: Chapter 17

2010-08-05T15:14:00.012-05:00

YOU GUYS. I am *this* close to finishing The Pain: Book 1. I only have The Epilogue to go. Oh yeah, there's an Epilogue. I have no doubt that it will be condensed pain. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know (in case you were wondering) that no, none of this crap ever goes anywhere. There's some DANGER BELLA ROBINSON DANGER towards the end but it amounts to nothing because Stephanie Meyer is a terrible fucking writer with no idea how to write tension or, well, anything remotely intelligent. But the pain is almost over!

Still haven't decided on doing New Moon yet, but I figure it can't get worse than this, right? ....Right?

Let's get to the Chinese Water Torture.

***
CHAPTER 17: THE GAME
[AKA: Vampire baseball! even stupider than REAL baseball!]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 36

Quick n Hard Summary:
Billy Black and Jacob go visit Bella for some reason. Well, mostly to warn her about what a bad influence Eddie is. If you think she listens you haven't been paying attention. Charlie comes home and they talk about Eddie. Finally Eddie picks her up to go to the mountains. They make out, it's horrible, they get to the mountain. They play vampire baseball but are quickly interrupted by the three new vampires Alice predicted earlier, who are coming towards the field. It may seem like we actually get a plot, but let's not kid ourselves: this woman wouldn't know a plot if it came up and bit her in the face.

Real-Time Notes:
-Sparklutz return from Chez Cullen, and Billy Black and Jacob are there for a visit. Apparently Billy came out warn Charlie about Eddie. GOOD ON BILLY.

-Eddie is all horrible about the werewolves-- who, let's remember, are Native Americans. I mean we don't know they're werewolves yet, but we all know they are. Point is, he is a RACIST BASTARD. OK, fine, probably not. But it's funny and it's late and I have to find whatever humor I can in this.

Eddie Pan: HI YOU INDIAN SAVAGE
Billy and, um, Jacob, were not amused. Daddy Billy is about to bitchslap the shit out of Eddie Pan.

-So Eddie takes off. Blah blah, Billy warns Bella about being with Eddie, Bella is a sulky teen and doesn't listen. Which, I can't really blame her in part (teens are stupid), but with this being Creepo McSparkleson, I'm with Billy here. Billy leaves.

-"Now that I was removed from Jasper's and Edward's influence, I began to make up for not being terrified before."

Must be nice to have your feelings fucked around with. I wish Jasper were here so he could calm my rage over this. NO, NO I DON'T. GO AWAY YOU CREEP. GO BACK TO YOUR CREEP FAMILY YOU SPARKLY EQUIVALENT OF A VALIUM.

Fig 1: Jasper Cullen

-"Jessica, Mike, the dance, the school — they all seemed strangely irrelevant at the
moment."

Everything else is irrelevant to you, Bella. You're the most selfish chick on the planet. You have no personality and no ambitions and you've attached yourself like a leech to another, sparkly, leech and you will never ever let go. Why people give a shit about you is beyond me.

-I think Jessica calls her up at some point to talk about the dance, but I don't remember. All I wrote was : WHY IS JESSICA TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS BITCH. I mean jeebus, I know she's a Mary Sue and pretends to be an outcast and whatever, but it's really baffling to me why people want to keep being her friend. Most teens wouldn't give someone this sullen and uncommunicative and stuck up a second thought. Clearly, Poop knows nothing about teenagers.

-Bella tries to tell her dad about Eddie, and Charlie's reaction is great. He keeps calling him EDWIN which cracks me up because it's just as likely a name for that twit.

37, 38
"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…"

YEAH, TELL HIM THAT. Maybe he can stick you in a mental hospital for being such a complete lunatic.

39
"I hadn't realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats."

OH COME ON. That is the worst fucking metaphor I have ever heard in my life. A RAINCOAT AD?! THAT IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH ?! THAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS, POOP! you mean he looks like...THIS:

OH YEAH BABY.

ROCK ME, EDWARDEUS. SUCK MY BLOOD! OH YEAH BABY! RAWR!

Holy jeebus on a cracker. I could cry right now from the ludicrosity. Here's some other terrible fucking metaphors you could use, Poop:

Edward stood there in the rain...

...Looking like a mannequin at a store where they sell jeans, you know the really hot ones? Yeah like that! and they're all pale and stuff and omg so gorgeous. And the store plays really awesome house music and there's awesome posters of awesome guys and it's awesome at the mall. That's what he looked like, yeah.

...Looking like one of those little naked cupid statues they have in old English gardens and stuff where they have pretty flowers like freesia that would smell just like ME except Edward is like an older version of that? And maybe not naked.

...Looking like the design on a really sexy bottle of Axe Spray.

...Looking like a really great fillet mignon left out in the rain for too long except it was covered in foil so it was shiny.

...Looking like a dragon in a really sexy girl-dragon-meets-boy-dragon-story. With sparkly scales.

Etc. I was actually gonna google 'sexy dragon' for a photo for you guys, but then I remembered that this is the internet and rule 34 and whatever and I'm not risking that.

-Anyway. Charlie meets Eddie and it's really boring, probably just to contrast how much cooler and better the Cullens are than poor old Daddy Swan. They take off in Eddie's new car.

-He has some huge jeep with him. It's Emmet's of course, because in Meyer's world your car reflects you! I love that Eddie=Volvo. Everyone knows that Volvos are the cars of sparkly marble gods everywhere.

Oh, yeah, a Volvo just screams "virgin sex god".

-Bella, "adorably", is an ass with the seat belt so he gets to feel her up as he clips it for her and she HYPERVENTILATES because HAVE SEX ALREADY OR YOU WILL EXPLODE.

-They get to the mountain and once again Bella has to be piggy-backed up the trail. They make out some more.

-Instead of keeping safely motionless, my arms reached up to twine tightly around his neck, and I was suddenly welded to his stone figure.

Shocked Granny is SHOCKED at your pornyness.

-Seriously, that was just wrong in so many ways.

-Finally they get to this big open field on top of a mountain. They do it up there during storms because apparently their hits are so hard they break the sonic barrier or some shit. The Cullens are all there, and they have bases all set far apart---listen, I'm not gonna describe the goddamn vampire baseball game. I skipped most of it. The basic gist is they're all really fast, really strong, really graceful and really pretty.

-Klutzy McHornyson stands apart with Esme, the "mom".

-"Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"

There is no one in this family who isn't a creep. Who says that to a 16 year old?! It makes perfect sense that they all came together. "Hey yeah I like them! Did I tell you how I lost my left toe to a deadly fungus in the 12th century? TRUE STORY!"

-I don't get why they play baseball. It's so completely random. It's like some piss-poor attempt at creating Quidditch-- HA! I Just realized I'm right. She's trying (and, needless to say, failing miserably) to be JK Rowling, but she doesn't have a smidge of the talent. I are a genioos.

- Needle scratch! Everyone freaks out because they feel three vampire strangers approaching. REAL vampires, not hippies like these guys.

-Poop tries (and fails, again) to be all tense. Doesn't work. Point is, there's three other vampires coming their way, who want to 'play' but, of course they will immediately want Bella because of how she smells like raw steaks and teriyaki or whatever.

Mmmm, raw steak smell.

-"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

GEEZ, BELLA, TAKE A BATH. I know you're all obsessed with your sparkly boyfriend but let's not forget basic hygiene!

-Rosie's all pissed. I like that she's the only one in this universe who doesn't seem to like Bella because she gets how much of annoyance she is. ROSALIE, BE MY BEST FRIEND. But remember she only hates Bella cos' she's JEALOUS. That's the only reason girls hate other girls!

-And so, something like a plot finally starts to happen. On chapter 17. Brilliant fucking job, you hack.

Final Impression: Vampires playing baseball is dumber than regular people playing baseball. Plot points in the forms of three visiting vampires are not gonna be the only real threat Bella has faced in this book, not counting Eddie's creepiness.

Final Grade: D. We weren't focusing on Bella and Eddie alone, but the rest of it was just stupid.

Final "Pretty" Count: 39

Only six more chapters to go!

*sob*

The Pain: Chapter 16

2010-08-03T11:58:00.010-05:00

It's been a fun few days at Chez Fig. Yesterday MrFig had to deliver a package (he's a courier) to this dinky town just past the Texas/Arkansas border and I went along with him because, well, it's not like I have anything better to do. It was about a 3 hour drive there, and we had fun listening to the radio, watching the countryside (and some of it was quite pretty, so shut it) , having silly conversations and trying not to die from the heat. We got to the town, delivered the package to a very smelly paper mill and drove back. Doesn't sound that exciting, but the truth is that I love driving around and getting to know the US a little better, even if this was just a really tiny chunk of it. After we got back to Dallas we drove around delivering some more packages around Dallas. The temperature reached 112 at one point, which now makes Dallas the hottest place I have ever been in (that I remember. My mom claims Rio de Janeiro got this hot sometimes but because I was 3 at the time I don't remember it). Every time we opened the windows it felt like...you know when you open a really hot oven and this woosh of hot air blows in your face and you feel like your eyeballs are melting? that's what this felt like. In short: it was hot. We must've drunk at least three gallons of water, not counting the cherry Slurpee we had near the end of the day. Mmmm, Slurpees.

So that was yesterday. It was fun. In other Exciting Events, I've applied to a few jobs to see if I can make some money before going for the Teacher's Certificate. I've frankly had enough of being a layabout and really need to start doing something. They're nothing fancy--some retail places and a couple of secretary jobs, but they're nearby and don't seem like they'd be that difficult to do. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

And lastly, before we get to the good stuff: Maybe you've noticed that I added a couple of ads to the site. I figure it can't really hurt (the ads really are tiny and unobtrusive) and the 10 cents I might get at the day of the month will help. Ka-ching! But really, I'm getting almost 200 views a day, which isn't bad, and hopefully it'll grow as we go on. Tell your friends! We have snark and semi-nude men! It's the best place ON THE INTERNET. Yay!

Also, I'm sorry that, because I talk so much about The Pain, the ad program has deemed it fit to post ads about Twilight conventions and other horrors. Please forgive me.

Alright! let's get back to what we all came here to see: Pain and misery inflicted upon yours truly. Huzzah!

****

CHAPTER 16: CARLISLE
[AKA: Daddy Cullen is a Creep as Well. Creep Runs in the Family]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 35

Quick n Hard Summary:
Sparklutz is still at the Cullen residence, and this time we get to find out more about Carlisle (or Daddy Carlie as I shall now call him). Turns out he's never tasted human because he didn't want to be a monster, etc. We get some more back story on Eddie, who is still the lamest of the lame. Then we see his room, and he doesn't have a bed. So they make out on the floor and Alice finds them. It's not awkward at ALL! And then they decide to go play baseball. Wait...what? Yeah.

Real Time Notes:
-Car-lisssssssssssssss-le. That's how I read his name every time. I know it's wrong, but whatever. Easier to say Carlie.

-They go into Carlie's office and it's nice, of course. There's one wall full of photos and paintings. There's a one of London in the 1650s, which is where Carlie comes from. Damn, he must be bored out of his mind, musn't he? I mean, considering that he's forced to live in the most boring town int he USA.

- We get Carlie's story, which is ACTUALLY INTERESTING so let me pick my jaw up off the floor. Carlie tried to kill himself a lot because he was a monster omgz. But then he ate a deer and was OK. Isn't it part of the vampire thing that a deer just isn't as satisfying as human? Whatever. I give up on trying to list everything that makes Poop's vampires not vampires at all.

The Count says: "I'm a goddamn Muppet and I'm still more of
a real vampire than you will ever be, you Sparkly Fuck."

-He lifted his hand, moving it to rest against my neck. The speed of my heart reacted to that, but I persisted.

...the speed of your heart? The fuck does that even mean? Also, let's never forget how horny Bella is. All of the time.

-We learn that these "vampires" don't really breathe. Yay, more weirdness that Bella will be totally OK with because PRETTY AND HE MAKES ME HOT! hahaha so Eddie gets all long faced that Bella for once is mildly disturbed by him. I like to imagine his heart crushed at the possibility that she might have a brain inside her. Don't worry Eddie, it won't last! You can still be in love with a mindless shell of a human being who smells like Air Freshener!

Hint: Bella's the one that fell over.

-Also, how the hell is it that they can't breathe, but they're always sniffing around Bella, and Edward can smell her, and ABSORB her smell or whatever the hell? It makes no sense at all.Make up what little mind you have, Poop! keep your story straight! fucking bimbo.

- Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…"

That is very weird, and (shockingly) sort of cool. Though I'm sure it's not the first time someone's come up with a vampire who is also a doctor (Dr Akula!). As far as I know, Carlie's never even TASTED human, which just makes me wonder if he's really the ideal person to be telling other vampires to stay vegetarian, you know? Kinda like priests trying to lecture people on fighting the urge to have sex....but I digress.

- Carlie lived with some fancy vampires in Italy for a while. They get names but it doesn't really matter because they're not in this book (I think they show up later, one of them might be Creepy Dakota Fanning in the movies). But he got tired and went to the Americas.

-I just think it's massively stupid that Meyer made these vampires hate themselves and what they are. They seem to be perfectly fine, with the minor inconvenience that they have to drink blood. They even SPARKLE. They would be welcome at any parade and/or circus! They can go out in the sun all the time, they are gorgeous, they can lead normal lives. There is nothing that makes them the monsters that they should be. So why the fuck are they so whiny about being vampires?

Edward could have a BRILLIANT career as a disco ball at raves!

Premise fail!

-OK this is weird: Carlie was really lonely, so he decided to make himself a "companion". And...the perfect candidate was a gorgeous 17 year old boy who was dying of The Pretty or something.

Tell me that is not weird. He could have turned ANYBODY. Not to mention the fact that Eddie had no choice in the matter at all, and that Carlie was turning him into a "monster" just like him for totally selfish reasons. Yep, I think we all know where Edward got his Creep.

-Eddie apparently went through a 'rebel' phase where he abandoned Carlie and went off on his own for a while. Then he came back to Carlie, but not before he had actually hunted down people.

-36
And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. Would she have been grateful, that girl, or more frightened than before?

If she had half a brain, probably a bit of both. But if she was you? then she'd just love it.

-This all means that Eddie HAS killed people before. I (or any other sane person) would at least be concerned or weirded out. Bella? she just wants to see Eddie's room. Because she has a brain the size of a rabbit turd.

-Eeee! it's a boy's room! it's full of CDs and a fancy stereo and has no bed--OH NOES THE LUST WILL GO UNSATISFIED FOREVAH BECAUSE THERE IS NO BED TO CONSUMMATE OUR PRECIOUS LOVE ON!

- Ed's completely happy that his girlfriend appears to be a complete 'tard who isn't afraid of him. SCORE! Finally, after 100 years, I managed to find the dumbest person on the planet and made her mine! Yeah, you keep telling her it's because she's special and whatever, but we know the truth. I bet he CAN read her mind, he just pretends not to. Fucking sleazebag.

Oh, Bella, my love! I totally love you for your brains!

- I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled.

What the flying fuck? The fuck is wrong with this kid? LET ME ATTACK MY GIRL SO SHE WILL BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM DANGEROUS RAWR! THIS WAY SHE WILL NEVER THINK I'M A TOTAL GIRLY GIRL AND SHE WILL NOT NOTICE MY CELINE DION CDs! RAWR!

O_O. I have no idea what the fuck just happened.

-Alice and Jasper mercifully come in to break off the horrible moment.

-"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced. I stiffened for an instant, until I realized Edward was grinning — whether at her comment or my response, I couldn't tell."

Good Godtopus, how freaky is this entire family? HEY I HEARD YOU MAKING OUT WE WANTED TO COME IN AND SHARE. I do like Alice though, just because of how totally creepy she is. But in a good way, not like her sleazy creep of a brother.

- They decide to go play baseball because Alice hears a storm coming (it'll make sense later. Not much, but sort of). They invite Bella along. Oh good lord cover her in bubblewrap because this fucktard is bound to break an ankle or two just looking at the ball. Oooh! break her teeth! That'd be sweet. DO IT, EMMETT! DO IT!

But it's the only way you will be safe, Bella my darling!

[Side note: I found that photo while googling "wrapped in bubblewrap" and it's from this very bizarre website about weightloss and fat children or something? It was weird. I didn't investigate very long.]

-So, OK, they're gonna go play baseball up in the mountains. Again: most boring vampires of all time.

**

Final Impression: Feh. Nothing will redeem this book at this point, but this one wasn't nearly as painful, mostly because we got to learn about other characters. Poop still fails at writing and making ANY of her characters interesting and not creepy. Still, it didn't make me want to tear out my hair, so I guess that's a plus.

Final Grade: C- for the reasons stated above.

Final "Pretty" Count: 36

A Rant About Movies

2010-07-30T12:02:00.007-05:00

I like all sorts of movies. I like the really foofy, Oscar-baiting stuff. I like the High-Brow comedies and even some of the poop-humor ones. I like a good romcom, I like the indies, and sometimes I love movies that are about nothing but shit exploding. That makes it kind of hard for me to pin-point exactly what sort of movies I like when someone asks (and then they regret asking, because I never give a straight answer), because I just know I like movies.

Then there's the movies I just don't like. It's not just the obviously bad ones, like Transformers or anything that Martin Lawrence has ever done. Sometimes it's the critically-acclaimed, almost-universally loved movies that I despise. And sometimes I don't even have a rational explanation for why I don't like them. Maybe it's because I dislike a character, or an actor, or the soundtrack or because that one guy in the second scene looked like smelled of cabbage.

This is a really long-winded way of getting to the point of this post, which is that a couple of days ago my favorite Movie and Pop-Culture website, Pajiba, posted a list of "Ten Classic Films Overly Judgmental People Will Cut You For Hating". You can see it here. The basic idea is that these are movies that the so-called Movie Snobs (at Pajiba and elsewhere) will defend to the death. Mention that you dislike them and you're in for a lecture.

That's not often the case for me. If anything, I'll judge you and rant and you for liking a certain movie.

Anyway, I think it's a really great list and it started a pretty long, contentious discussion in the comments, where I, as usual, ranted about how much I hated some of the movies on the list and others to boot. And because I'm a narcissistic fool who likes to rant about her own opinions to a length not allowed or tolerated in the comments section of a blog (where my comments might get lost in the flood) I wanted to bring the list over to my blog and tell you how I feel about each of the movies on the list. Some people did that in the comments but I'd rather not take up half the page on Pajiba (I mean, it's my JOB to read the comments and not even I can get through some of the really long ones).

Apart from the narcissism, I'd just like to have this post so I can refer to it when anyone gets confused over my taste in movies. That, and you guys know I love to rant. I try to edit myself and fail miserably.

See? I can't shut the hell up. Anyway, these will be my mini-reviews of the movies on the list. The ones I've seen, anyway.

Let's start:

10. The Hours
Here's one where I just don't understand how anyone could get worked up about it one way or the other. I liked it, I think. It had some beautiful moments (the scene where Julianne Moore's character imagines she's drowning was specially poignant) and the acting was flawless. But it was boring in spots, and definitely depressing. It's the kind of movie that makes you angsty because you can't really understand why all these people are miserable. It helps if you've read the book (which I reviewed here) because I think you get a better grasp of what the connections are between the characters and their stories. I just didn't think it was all that spectacular a film, and I certainly don't think that Nicole Kidman deserved the Oscar for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf. It was...fine, helped along by a stupid nose prosthesis, but you know they only gave her the award to make up for not giving it to her for Moulin Rouge (her best performance to date, I think). The thing is that I can totally see some of the film snobs out there ranting about the beautiful silences and quiet suffering and whatever. I just know it was kind of boring and forgettable. Film snobs are so full of shit sometimes.

9. The Warriors
Haven't seen it. I didn't even know it existed until it showed up on this list, and I still have no idea what it's about (Dustin reviewed it but I normally don't read reviews of movies I've never seen). Next!

8. The English Patient
I had no idea about this, but apparently this is one of the most viciously hated movies of all time. At least, every single time it's mentioned on Pajiba you'll be sure to hear someone saying how much they hate it. To them I say really? Listen, I love that movie. Loved it. Have loved it since the first time I saw it and I fell in love with Naveen Andrews and Juliette Binoche and I sobbed towards the end. I loved the music, I loved the story, I thought it was one of the most gorgeous movies ever photographed. But I can see why people wouldn't like it. They think it's too long (so was Avatar and that was a piece of shit!) and the characters were unlikable (some of them were). I can see why you didn't like it. But hate it? I didn't even think enough people had seen it! I wonder if part of the dislike comes from just the sort of people who will yell at you for not liking it. Me, I'm just surprised, not personally offended. I think that, in general, people tend to react negatively to something that is praised by the critics with big foofy words, and then they watched it and didn't like. Because they feel (rightly, perhaps) that the critics are calling them stupid. I just think that, like the movie snobs, some critics are full of crap and they'll like anything that looks snooty. But I do think that this movie has a lot of merit, just maybe not as much as some of the critics are willing to lather onto it. It's not Gone With the Wind, for crying out loud.

Also, Ralph Fiennes is insanely hot in it. What? I can't have my moment of gooberdom in all the huffiness?

7. New World
I didn't even think anyone had seen this movie, let alone loved it. All I remember of it is that Colin Ferrell was John Smith and he met Pocahontas and they looked at each other in a swamp for AGES and then the music was all plinky and they looked at each other some more and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Good God that movie was boring. It was pretty, but, dammit, pretty don't make something interesting (Helloooo, Stephanie Meyer!). I think I was so bored after the Swamp of Longing Stares and Sleepy Voiceovers About Nature and Love that I dozed off halfway through. Next thing I knew Christian Bale was there for some reason. And not even that could keep me interested. It's one of those movies that the Snobs will tell you is poignant and moving and whatever. I just thought it was excruciatingly boring. The girl who played Pocahontas was pretty, though. Though...wasn't she like 15 and Colin Farrell was 30 or something? GROSS.

6. Atonement
Oh, lord, this movie. I remember it clearly: it was Oscar time a couple of years ago, and this movie came out and NO ONE would shut the hell up about it. I couldn't watch it because I was still in Honduras, land of the shittiest movie theaters in the world. But the more I saw of it the less interested I became. It looked like all of the other dark-brooding-woe-to-all-oh-the-futility-of-life-and-love World War Whatever movies that have ever come before it. Pretty, sad, well acted. Oscar bait. And then I watched it and that's exactly what it was. I didn't hate it, it just left me blank. I liked that one scene where they panned over the beach with the soldiers and the bombs, but why was the camera covered in soot? And then the ending just made me angry and I hated it so much that I forgot everything else about the movie except the anger. Like I said in my review of There Will be Blood, I'm not gonna buy your Bleakness, no matter how pretty the package it's in. All I got from it was that England during World War Whatever was a horrible, bleak place and so are most movies revolving around it.

5. No Country for Old Men
This is one where I will cut you if you tell me you hated it. I'll understand not liking it just because it's not your sort of movie. But if you even bring up that you thought it was boring or that you hated the ending, I will lose my shit. That movie was nothing short of brilliant. I think I was gripping the arms of my seat the whole way through it, and every time Javier Bardem's character showed up I got the shivers. It was that powerful. I've never seen anything quite like it- a movie about killers with almost no dialogue, no ridiculous grandiose moments of gun fighting and entire scenes where it's all about silence and jumping at the slightest sounds. It was brilliant. I remember I couldn't stop thinking about it for days afterwards, and I think it was because it was so realistic that I expected Anton Chigurh and his hairdo of doom to come after me any second. And it wasn't just Javier Bardem--every performance in that movie was outstanding. So if you seriously hate it, get out of my face. You don't deserve good movies.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's
Never seen it, but I had no idea people disliked it. I thought it was one of those movies that everyone loved or hadn't seen. You know, how so many people think Audrey Hepburn can do no wrong. From what I gathered in the comments, it seems like most people hate it because of Mickey Rourke. He plays an "Asian"? God that sounds weird. I need to watch it.

3. There Will Be Blood
I said all I needed to say about this movie here. To recap: I can see why it's a well-acclaimed movie. Flawless acting (Daniel Day Lewis gave one of the best performances of all time). Harrowing story. But it was bleak as all hell and the music gave me a migraine that lasted for days. But I know from experience, people will cut you for hating it.

2. 2001: Space Odyssey
There's three things I know for sure about this movie:
1) I don't really like Stanley Kubrick. I think Dr Strangelove is hilarious and that The Shining is bizarre, but that's about it. His style just doesn't work for me.
2) I have never been able to stay awake during this movie.
3) 99% of the people I know who have seen it have hated it. That includes movie snobs.

I don't think I'll ever get through it. I have zero interest in doing so.

1. Lost in Translation
Or as I know it: That. Fucking. Movie.
I hated it. HATED IT. Every single thing about that movie filled me with rage. Pure, seething rage. Not just dislike or indifference. Rage. Even Bill Murray, because I felt so betrayed that this man that I LOVE could be in something so horrible.

Listen, no, SHUT UP. That movie is fucking TERRIBLE. To start, it's mind-numbingly boring and shot as if Sophia Coppola had fallen asleep at the camera and as if it was always 6 o'clock in Tokyo. Then the characters are horrible people who are lucky enough to find themselves in one of the craziest places in the world and decide to spend their time in their hotel rooms complaining about how boring their lives are. FUCKING GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. And that doesn't include going to a Japanese bar and seeing how quirky they are. You are the worst fucking tourists in the WORLD. Then there's the fact that NOTHING HAPPENS and I'm supposed to take a lesson from it and identify with these fucktards and their woeful lives of absurd privilege that still makes them miserable? NO! And don't even dare to tell that I just didn't get it because THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET. Sophia Coppolla is a fucking TERRIBLE director and writer, and Scarlett Johansson has about as much charisma and acting ability as a goddamn rock in the desert. That movie is insulting to the Japanese, to Americans, to women, to men, to travelers and to intelligent people everywhere. It's a pretentious, empty shell of a movie shot through a blue-filter because it MEANS SOMETHING. Fuck you, Sophia Coppolla. Take your Nepotism and shove it down your throat. Shame on you, Bill Murray. SHAME ON YOU.

DO NOT TRY ME ON THAT ONE. I will cut you.

Gah. Gaaaah. I hate that movie so much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

**

See? I'll get more shouty if you like a movie I hate than I would if you hated a movie I loved. Because...hell, I just won't understand it. I know everyone has a right to an opinion and different tastes and whatever and I can take it if you don't agree with me and my opinions aren't sacred or better than yours but sometimes you're just WRONG. That's just a scientific fact! Some things are just bad, people.

*ahem*

Now I'm all worked up because of that damned movie. I just don't think I've ever hated anything a movie so much, mostly because so many people claim to love it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I think those people are insane, or just pretending. YOU ARE INSANE AND YOU KNOW IT.

There's something wrong with me. First person to say "it's just MOVIES, gawd!" will get a deathly glare.

Anyway. The next day at Pajiba, Dustin posted the opposite of this list: Movies that, if you don't like them, will show people that you don't have a soul. That's a great one, and I'll rant about it tomorrow.

To end, here's a quick list of movies that I will judge you if you admit that you LOVE them. Not just liking, or being indifferent to them, or liking-them-even-if-you-know-they're-bad or just not hating them. I'm talking about real, unironic love, like listing them in your list of Favorites. This is important, because goodness knows I am guilty of liking some admittedly-terrible movies myself. Here's the list:

1) Sex and the City, 1 & 2
2) Twilight
3) The Da Vinci Code
4) The Notebook or anything else based on a Nicholas Sparks book
5) Crash

**UPDATE**

Let me amend that:

It's not that I'll lose respect for you or that our friendship will be broken forever or anything. Not even I take movies that seriously. It's just that I will never come to you for a movie recommendation, and I probably won't be participating in any Movie Nights with you, or any movie discussions. And since that's one of my favorite things to do , it will be a breach between us.

Notice that I changed Crash for Lost in Translation, because a lot of my friends love LIT and I've forgiven them for it because they have pretty great taste otherwise. Crash, though? That means you have no taste.