Friday, July 30, 2010

A Rant About Movies

I like all sorts of movies. I like the really foofy, Oscar-baiting stuff. I like the High-Brow comedies and even some of the poop-humor ones. I like a good romcom, I like the indies, and sometimes I love movies that are about nothing but shit exploding. That makes it kind of hard for me to pin-point exactly what sort of movies I like when someone asks (and then they regret asking, because I never give a straight answer), because I just know I like movies.

Then there's the movies I just don't like. It's not just the obviously bad ones, like Transformers or anything that Martin Lawrence has ever done. Sometimes it's the critically-acclaimed, almost-universally loved movies that I despise. And sometimes I don't even have a rational explanation for why I don't like them. Maybe it's because I dislike a character, or an actor, or the soundtrack or because that one guy in the second scene looked like smelled of cabbage.

This is a really long-winded way of getting to the point of this post, which is that a couple of days ago my favorite Movie and Pop-Culture website, Pajiba, posted a list of "Ten Classic Films Overly Judgmental People Will Cut You For Hating". You can see it here. The basic idea is that these are movies that the so-called Movie Snobs (at Pajiba and elsewhere) will defend to the death. Mention that you dislike them and you're in for a lecture.

That's not often the case for me. If anything, I'll judge you and rant and you for liking a certain movie.

Anyway, I think it's a really great list and it started a pretty long, contentious discussion in the comments, where I, as usual, ranted about how much I hated some of the movies on the list and others to boot. And because I'm a narcissistic fool who likes to rant about her own opinions to a length not allowed or tolerated in the comments section of a blog (where my comments might get lost in the flood) I wanted to bring the list over to my blog and tell you how I feel about each of the movies on the list. Some people did that in the comments but I'd rather not take up half the page on Pajiba (I mean, it's my JOB to read the comments and not even I can get through some of the really long ones).

Apart from the narcissism, I'd just like to have this post so I can refer to it when anyone gets confused over my taste in movies. That, and you guys know I love to rant. I try to edit myself and fail miserably.

See? I can't shut the hell up. Anyway, these will be my mini-reviews of the movies on the list. The ones I've seen, anyway.

Let's start:

10. The Hours
Here's one where I just don't understand how anyone could get worked up about it one way or the other. I liked it, I think. It had some beautiful moments (the scene where Julianne Moore's character imagines she's drowning was specially poignant) and the acting was flawless. But it was boring in spots, and definitely depressing. It's the kind of movie that makes you angsty because you can't really understand why all these people are miserable. It helps if you've read the book (which I reviewed here) because I think you get a better grasp of what the connections are between the characters and their stories. I just didn't think it was all that spectacular a film, and I certainly don't think that Nicole Kidman deserved the Oscar for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf. It was...fine, helped along by a stupid nose prosthesis, but you know they only gave her the award to make up for not giving it to her for Moulin Rouge (her best performance to date, I think). The thing is that I can totally see some of the film snobs out there ranting about the beautiful silences and quiet suffering and whatever. I just know it was kind of boring and forgettable. Film snobs are so full of shit sometimes.

9. The Warriors
Haven't seen it. I didn't even know it existed until it showed up on this list, and I still have no idea what it's about (Dustin reviewed it but I normally don't read reviews of movies I've never seen). Next!

8. The English Patient
I had no idea about this, but apparently this is one of the most viciously hated movies of all time. At least, every single time it's mentioned on Pajiba you'll be sure to hear someone saying how much they hate it. To them I say really? Listen, I love that movie. Loved it. Have loved it since the first time I saw it and I fell in love with Naveen Andrews and Juliette Binoche and I sobbed towards the end. I loved the music, I loved the story, I thought it was one of the most gorgeous movies ever photographed. But I can see why people wouldn't like it. They think it's too long (so was Avatar and that was a piece of shit!) and the characters were unlikable (some of them were). I can see why you didn't like it. But hate it? I didn't even think enough people had seen it! I wonder if part of the dislike comes from just the sort of people who will yell at you for not liking it. Me, I'm just surprised, not personally offended. I think that, in general, people tend to react negatively to something that is praised by the critics with big foofy words, and then they watched it and didn't like. Because they feel (rightly, perhaps) that the critics are calling them stupid. I just think that, like the movie snobs, some critics are full of crap and they'll like anything that looks snooty. But I do think that this movie has a lot of merit, just maybe not as much as some of the critics are willing to lather onto it. It's not Gone With the Wind, for crying out loud.

Also, Ralph Fiennes is insanely hot in it. What? I can't have my moment of gooberdom in all the huffiness?

7. New World
I didn't even think anyone had seen this movie, let alone loved it. All I remember of it is that Colin Ferrell was John Smith and he met Pocahontas and they looked at each other in a swamp for AGES and then the music was all plinky and they looked at each other some more and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Good God that movie was boring. It was pretty, but, dammit, pretty don't make something interesting (Helloooo, Stephanie Meyer!). I think I was so bored after the Swamp of Longing Stares and Sleepy Voiceovers About Nature and Love that I dozed off halfway through. Next thing I knew Christian Bale was there for some reason. And not even that could keep me interested. It's one of those movies that the Snobs will tell you is poignant and moving and whatever. I just thought it was excruciatingly boring. The girl who played Pocahontas was pretty, though. Though...wasn't she like 15 and Colin Farrell was 30 or something? GROSS.

6. Atonement
Oh, lord, this movie. I remember it clearly: it was Oscar time a couple of years ago, and this movie came out and NO ONE would shut the hell up about it. I couldn't watch it because I was still in Honduras, land of the shittiest movie theaters in the world. But the more I saw of it the less interested I became. It looked like all of the other dark-brooding-woe-to-all-oh-the-futility-of-life-and-love World War Whatever movies that have ever come before it. Pretty, sad, well acted. Oscar bait. And then I watched it and that's exactly what it was. I didn't hate it, it just left me blank. I liked that one scene where they panned over the beach with the soldiers and the bombs, but why was the camera covered in soot? And then the ending just made me angry and I hated it so much that I forgot everything else about the movie except the anger. Like I said in my review of There Will be Blood, I'm not gonna buy your Bleakness, no matter how pretty the package it's in. All I got from it was that England during World War Whatever was a horrible, bleak place and so are most movies revolving around it.

5. No Country for Old Men
This is one where I will cut you if you tell me you hated it. I'll understand not liking it just because it's not your sort of movie. But if you even bring up that you thought it was boring or that you hated the ending, I will lose my shit. That movie was nothing short of brilliant. I think I was gripping the arms of my seat the whole way through it, and every time Javier Bardem's character showed up I got the shivers. It was that powerful. I've never seen anything quite like it- a movie about killers with almost no dialogue, no ridiculous grandiose moments of gun fighting and entire scenes where it's all about silence and jumping at the slightest sounds. It was brilliant. I remember I couldn't stop thinking about it for days afterwards, and I think it was because it was so realistic that I expected Anton Chigurh and his hairdo of doom to come after me any second. And it wasn't just Javier Bardem--every performance in that movie was outstanding. So if you seriously hate it, get out of my face. You don't deserve good movies.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's
Never seen it, but I had no idea people disliked it. I thought it was one of those movies that everyone loved or hadn't seen. You know, how so many people think Audrey Hepburn can do no wrong. From what I gathered in the comments, it seems like most people hate it because of Mickey Rourke. He plays an "Asian"? God that sounds weird. I need to watch it.

3. There Will Be Blood
I said all I needed to say about this movie here. To recap: I can see why it's a well-acclaimed movie. Flawless acting (Daniel Day Lewis gave one of the best performances of all time). Harrowing story. But it was bleak as all hell and the music gave me a migraine that lasted for days. But I know from experience, people will cut you for hating it.

2. 2001: Space Odyssey
There's three things I know for sure about this movie:
1) I don't really like Stanley Kubrick. I think Dr Strangelove is hilarious and that The Shining is bizarre, but that's about it. His style just doesn't work for me.
2) I have never been able to stay awake during this movie.
3) 99% of the people I know who have seen it have hated it. That includes movie snobs.

I don't think I'll ever get through it. I have zero interest in doing so.

1. Lost in Translation
Or as I know it: That. Fucking. Movie.
I hated it. HATED IT. Every single thing about that movie filled me with rage. Pure, seething rage. Not just dislike or indifference. Rage. Even Bill Murray, because I felt so betrayed that this man that I LOVE could be in something so horrible.

Listen, no, SHUT UP. That movie is fucking TERRIBLE. To start, it's mind-numbingly boring and shot as if Sophia Coppola had fallen asleep at the camera and as if it was always 6 o'clock in Tokyo. Then the characters are horrible people who are lucky enough to find themselves in one of the craziest places in the world and decide to spend their time in their hotel rooms complaining about how boring their lives are. FUCKING GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. And that doesn't include going to a Japanese bar and seeing how quirky they are. You are the worst fucking tourists in the WORLD. Then there's the fact that NOTHING HAPPENS and I'm supposed to take a lesson from it and identify with these fucktards and their woeful lives of absurd privilege that still makes them miserable? NO! And don't even dare to tell that I just didn't get it because THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET. Sophia Coppolla is a fucking TERRIBLE director and writer, and Scarlett Johansson has about as much charisma and acting ability as a goddamn rock in the desert. That movie is insulting to the Japanese, to Americans, to women, to men, to travelers and to intelligent people everywhere. It's a pretentious, empty shell of a movie shot through a blue-filter because it MEANS SOMETHING. Fuck you, Sophia Coppolla. Take your Nepotism and shove it down your throat. Shame on you, Bill Murray. SHAME ON YOU.

DO NOT TRY ME ON THAT ONE. I will cut you.

Gah. Gaaaah. I hate that movie so much. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

**

See? I'll get more shouty if you like a movie I hate than I would if you hated a movie I loved. Because...hell, I just won't understand it. I know everyone has a right to an opinion and different tastes and whatever and I can take it if you don't agree with me and my opinions aren't sacred or better than yours but sometimes you're just WRONG. That's just a scientific fact! Some things are just bad, people.

*ahem*

Now I'm all worked up because of that damned movie. I just don't think I've ever hated anything a movie so much, mostly because so many people claim to love it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I think those people are insane, or just pretending. YOU ARE INSANE AND YOU KNOW IT.

There's something wrong with me. First person to say "it's just MOVIES, gawd!" will get a deathly glare.

Anyway. The next day at Pajiba, Dustin posted the opposite of this list: Movies that, if you don't like them, will show people that you don't have a soul. That's a great one, and I'll rant about it tomorrow.

To end, here's a quick list of movies that I will judge you if you admit that you LOVE them. Not just liking, or being indifferent to them, or liking-them-even-if-you-know-they're-bad or just not hating them. I'm talking about real, unironic love, like listing them in your list of Favorites. This is important, because goodness knows I am guilty of liking some admittedly-terrible movies myself. Here's the list:

1) Sex and the City, 1 & 2
2) Twilight
3) The Da Vinci Code
4) The Notebook or anything else based on a Nicholas Sparks book
5) Crash

**UPDATE**

Let me amend that:

It's not that I'll lose respect for you or that our friendship will be broken forever or anything. Not even I take movies that seriously. It's just that I will never come to you for a movie recommendation, and I probably won't be participating in any Movie Nights with you, or any movie discussions. And since that's one of my favorite things to do , it will be a breach between us.

Notice that I changed Crash for Lost in Translation, because a lot of my friends love LIT and I've forgiven them for it because they have pretty great taste otherwise. Crash, though? That means you have no taste.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 15

To recap what's happened so far: Bella, an empty shell of a person (her one personality trait seems to be "clumsy" so my name for her is Klutz), met Edward, a "vampire" who is pretty and doesn't eat humans. They fell in love just because, and because Edward is so pretty. We found out that Edward literally sparkles when he's in the sunlight (so he is Eddie Sparkles to me). They want to have sex really badly, but won't because Edward is a good Mormon Virgin boy "dangerous" and could eat Bella alive. That's it. Oh, and Edward is a complete sleaze and a creep, but we're supposed to swoon over him. And that's it for 15 chapters. And so we come to the second half of the book. Don't worry. Nothing happens. Still.

For the newbies: I've been keeping count of how many times Stephanie Meyer (or "Poop", as I like to call her because I'm horrible) brings out the thesaurus in an effort to find a new way to describe Edward's prettiness. Considering that I didn't start counting until chapter 4 or so, I think a count of 34 is pretty outrageous. At the end I want to compile a list, because it will be hilarious.

And to bring us back full circle: the last chapter (with the near-sex) nearly killed me from rage. But because I have a Public Duty to my readers, I must continue. I am that committed (read: stupid). Onwards!

**
Chapter 15: The Cullens
[AKA: A welcome respite from Sparklutz staring at each other]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 34

Quick n Hard Summary:
So she wakes up and Eddie's still there, which means he just stayed in her room all night and watched her sleep, which isn't creepy at ALL. They stare at each other some more, and he suggests she meet his family. They stare at each other some more. Finally they go over to the Cullen lair and she meets his Gorgeous Family of Gorgeousness [that's a word? thanks spellcheck!]. They all love her except for Rosalie who is smart. Hee. Eddie wrote a song for her and plays it on his piano and it nearly kills me. We get some background stories on the Cullens but it's nowhere near enough to make this worth reading.

Real-Time Notes:

An interesting sidenote: so with the release of Eclipse, and the resurfacing of all this Team Jacob vs Team Edward bullshit, I've noticed one thing: there's no Team Bella. If anything, there's Team Not-Bella. And I get the feeling that most fans just HATE this chick. Because it's not them? but it CAN be them, because she's just a shell! No wonder people love writing fanfic for this shit.

But who cares about Bella. I'm just amazed that people seriously like Edward. I guess if you don't think about His Sparkly Creepiness for a second he's sort of dreamy for certain types of women... but then you do and, ew. No, Thank You. And I can't say Team Jacob either because he was in one page of this and he isn't Edward and so he isn't important. We'll see about that later.

And overall, the whole "Team" thing is sheer dumbassery and I want to hit it in the face.


Marvel at my MSPaint skillz!


-She wakes up and Edward is there. EW. I will say it again, louder;

FUCKING CREEP.

- "Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap."

!

Bella, you're gonna kill the poor boy! Control yourself, you whore!

- "You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything." His eyes gleamed. "The talking came earlier."
I groaned. "What did you hear?"
His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me."

She's even pathetic IN HER DREAMS. I'm not kidding when I say that that turned my stomach. I went "EUGH" out loud and MrFig (in the next room) wondered what the hell was wrong with me and I refused to explain because he thinks I'm insane for reading this AND HE IS RIGHT.

-"He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as hecarried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair."

Oh fucking hell shit arse and hole.

ME EDWARD. ME CAVEMAN. ME CARRY LITTLE WOMAN LIKE BABY. ME FEED BABY WOMAN. LITTLE WOMAN SWOON. RAH!

THIS IS SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS AND FORMS.

-Eddie says he wants her to meet his family and I say YAY SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN. Now stop gazing into each others' prettiness and DO SOMETHING. FIND THE PLOT, AT LEAST.

-Blah blah they know all about her because this sounds like the worse family ever because they know everything about each other and Alice knows shit before it happens. I wonder why anyone would choose to live in a family like that.

35
"He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again, staring abstractedly out the back windows."

I wonder, though I doubt it, if Poop has ANY idea of how retardiculous it sounds to call him Adonis? JUST CALL HIM A STATUE YOU TWAT. Also, "abstractedly" is a terrible word to use there.

Adonis stood in my kitchen. Butt naked and posing like a lily in summer. I reconsidered my life.

-"He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable."

UNFATHOMABLE. *facepalm*

LEARN HOW TO USE WORDS, WOMAN.

-"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

Gag. Here's where I'm supposed to swoon, I guess.

35
"He sighed, shaking his head. "You are so absurd." He pressed his cool lips delicately to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think."

That doesn't sound nice. That sounds rank and nasty. Honestly, why does he smell so good? He drinks blood and eats raw animals. He just smells nice BECAUSE. Or maybe, because it's Edward, he showers in lavender and Axe. Oh God I just gagged for real.

-"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."

REALLY. Do you guys get this? I feel completely weirded out and grossed out and it's just...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BOOK, EXACTLY?

It's like the WORST. Just the WORST. Every sentence is just progressively worse than the previous because NO ONE SAYS THESE THINGS. And it's all in the imagination of this sad sack fucking LOSER who wants people to talk like this and kiss so hard they faint. THIS IS A GROWN WOMAN WRITING THIS. FUCKING HELL!!!

-Augh. Auuuuugh my head.

-Mercifully, they leave and drive to his house. Giant, gorgeous house for the perfect family. etc etc.

-"He pulled the end of my ponytail and chuckled."

Huh??

-Pretty, gorgeous house with pretty, gorgeous people. Ed's parents are pretty and gorgeous.

-"Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era."

See, this is the problem when a loser 40 year old woman tries to write as a 15 year old. Because there is no way in hell that Bella is writing that sentence. It's just how Meyer envisioned this chick and she badly wants to give you a comparison and sound profound at the same time. So she says something as pretentious and "ooh look at me! I know things!" as this.

-"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." And I was. It was like meeting a fairy tale — Snow White, in the flesh."

THEY.
ARE.
VAMPIRES.

*headdesk*

At least be a LITTLE weirded out by this! But no! This is just some stupid first girlfriend meeting her perfect boyfriend's rich parents. The vampirism DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

Oh, Esme, you are SO pretty and your son is SO pretty!

-I got that when I googled "Zombie Snow White". I love the internet.

-Alice, Eddie's sister, comes bounding down the stairs and she obviously loves Bella, because everybody does.

-No one else seemed to know quite what to say, and then Jasper was there — tall and leonine.

Heehee. Leonine. I bet he smells like a zoo!

-Jasper's "power" seems to be the ability to manipulate the emotions in a room. So, for example, everyone's really awkward and tense and Jasper makes them all feel calm. Like he's a pot machine. LEGALIZE IT!

-There's a giant piano and of COURSE it's Edwards. Five bucks says he plays Clair de Lune for her! he sits at the piano and plays and he's perfect because of course he is. And my theory that Eddie is really just Liberace who was turned into a vampire and then lost a lot of weight is confirmed:

Sparkly? Check
Stylish? Check
Olde Timey? Check
Piano? Check
Creepy as all get-out? CHECK!

-I AM A GENIUS.

- HE WROTE A SONG FOR HER. HE WROTE A SONG FOR HER. AND OF COURSE HE'S PLAYING IT ON HIS PIANO FOR HER AND OF COURSE HIS ENTIRE J CREW CATALOGUE FAMILY IS THERE. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The magnitude of the cheese just made me lactose intolerant.

-Heeee. So apparently, Eddie's older "sister" Rosalie (whom Carlie transformed for Eddie but Eddie didn't want because I guess he was still figuring out his sexuality before he went to Gay Camp and was cured into deciding he likes girls after all) is the only one who doesn't like Bella. She's immediately my favorite. TEAM ROSALIE!

-"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me."

Eeee! Special Snowflake of +3! BARF. But, yeah, apparently Rosalie wishes she were human and whatever.

-Heehee...we get this bizarre description of how Esme was worried that Eddie hadn't found a chick in so long. It's a none-too-subtle way of telling us that everyone probably thought Edward was GAY which cracks me up because of the muscle shirts and the body glitter and the piano playing and the perfection and the NO NO BELLA I CANNOT TOUCH GIRLS and the whole Liberace reincarnated thing. Oh, Edward. Also the fact that he attached himself to a girl who is completely unfeminine and has no personality and is dull as a box of rocks. I'm completely convinced that Edward is either a closeted gay or asexual. Bella's just a beard.

-So Carlie told Eddie with his mind that Alice saw some other vampires coming their way and now Eddie's gonna be super protective of Bella, just in case. Because he wasn't already dog-like enough. Is he gonna have her on a leash from now on?

-Apparently the Cullens think the new vampires could mean trouble for Bella, but I don't understand why. Is she a vampire magnet? Nah. It's just that, in Mary Sue land, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) happens to the girl. Everyone wants to either kill her or have sex with her. It's a rule.

-"Finally, a rational response!" he murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

Edward is really condescending and pompous sometimes. Me? I would have slapped him for that.

-She's crying, then his happens:

"He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it."

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. God, Edward. You're creepy AND gross.

- Eddie takes her on a tour of the house. He has no bed in his room (OH NO WHERE WILL THEY HAVE TEH SECKS? ) They have a giant cross in the hallway because THIS FAMILY IS VERY WEIRD.

-Big Time Smarts Word: Patina. Still not impressed by your Thesaurus Skillz, Poop.

- We find out Carlisle is 362. Why can't' we make the story about HIM? I think it'd be pretty awesome to learn about a vampire DOCTOR.

Thankfully,
Scrubs has me covered here:



DR. AKULA. SO MUCH POTENTIAL. God, I love that show.

-We get Carlie's story and FINALLY something is interesting (funny that it's not about either Bella or Eddie). Carlie was like a monster hunter and found some real vampires and one bit him and he became a vampire.

-Anyway. It's actually sort of interesting. Unfortunately it doesn't last very long and the chapter ends, so that means we're about to go back to Sparklutz and their horrible relationship.

Final Impression: Everything at Bella's house was horrible. The stuff with the Cullens wasn't THAT bad, but that's like making me choose between raisins and green peppers. I'll gag either way. I learn that everyone is more interesting than Sparklutz. Also that Edward is Liberace.

Final Grade: D, but just because of the stuff with the Cullens.

Total "Pretty" Count:
35, not counting how many times she called the other Cullens pretty

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 14

Alright, weirdos. I'm almost done reading the first book in this monstrosity, so I'm gonna try and post these as fast as I can.

My friend Nathan, whom I blame for reading this (I dared him to read Book 1, we thought it was only fair that I do the same), was asking me the other day if I'd read the other three books in the series and do recaps. The answer is : I don't know, leave me alone, one book is horrible enough. BUT (and here's where my self-hating streak rears its ugly head) I can't deny that I'm curious. I want to read just how possessive Edward can get. I want to read about how horrible Jacob turns out to be. And, most important of all, I want to read about the vampire baby that eats Bella from the inside. Yeah, that's a real thing that happens.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. For now, I think I've made it past the most painful of pains and tortures in Book 1, and everything from now on should be a piece of cake. Like Chinese water torture after being set on fire. Or something equally appropriate.

One last thing. I want to point all you Non-Pajibans to this fantastic article by Pajiba's Steven Loyd Wilson. He's at Comic-Con, and he ventured into the deepest depths of Twilight fandom: the Twilight Fanfiction Writers Panel. Yeah, that IS a real thing. Anyway, the article is well-written and insightful, and isn't just another bashing of Twilight fans. Read it Read it here, it's worth it. It also started a good discussion in the comments, so go ahead and read that as well.

Anyway, it really opened up my eyes and made me realize that maybe not all real Twilight fans are deluded, or idiots. Some of them are fully aware of the failings of the series. Now...why they still love it, and Edward Cullen in particular, is beyond me. I don't understand getting so involved in something you hold so much contempt for, though I guess you could argue I'm doing the same. But this is research. Anyway. I think I've concluded that there's a lot of Twilight fans who aren't idiots. They're just insane and should probably find something slightly better to adore. But anyway.

OK. Now we'll leave behind SLW's articulate writing and get to my own brand of shouting and saying 'fuck' a lot. It's how I roll. Onwards!

***
Note: This is very, very long. I didn't even notice when I was reading, because at one point I stopped reading the chapter and didn't pick it back up for 2 weeks. If I had had an actual book I would have set it on fire. Apologies for the pain this will cause.

CHAPTER 14: MIND OVER MATTER
[AKA: I hate you, Stephanie Meyer]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 27 (12 mentions in the last chapter alone!)

Quick n Hard Summary: So, after the Sparkling debacle, Sparkles drives Klutz home. Sparkily. As they go, we get some of Eddie's backstory. It's pretty lame, for a vampire. The other Cullens have much more interesting stories, plus some power powers. They go to Klutz' house, they're horrible with the staring and at some point I just stopped reading for about two weeks because I hated it so much. Then they lay on her bed, stare at each other some more, try not to make out some more, it's disgusting some more. Once again Poop veers eerily close to an R-rated pseudo-porn movie, but obviously nothing happens. In short: it's an extremely long chapter that never goes anywhere.

Real-Time Notes

-They're driving home. For the 1500th time, Poop mentions how well Eddie drives.

-"He looked into the sun — the light of the setting orb glittered off his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles — and spoke."

SHE SAID SPARKLES SHE SAID SPARKLES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

You know who else sparkled? THIS GUY:

Rock me, LiberacEddie!

Cripes.

- Eddie plays Exposition Fairy. He was born in 1901, which means he's at least 100 years old. And has never had a date, had sex, talked to a girl or apparently even held a girl's hand. He's been an awkward teen forever, in other words. He was turned into a vampire when he was dying from the Sparkle Flu or something, and Carlisle bit him to save him.

I'm not even gonna get into everything that's weird about a grown, very old vampire saving this one gorgeous Adonis-like kid out of the millions that must have been dying during some flu epidemic.

- We finally get some stories on the Cullens, and it makes me think that this could be a vaguely decent book if it weren't all longing stares and different ways of calling Edward pretty. Though Poop would still have to learn how to write and not use adverbs like they're going out of style. But it'd be a better book all around without Mary Sue Swann over there.

28
"But she made it," I encouraged, looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes."

AAAH I CAN'T BEAR IT WEAR SOME SUNGLASSES OR SOMETHING GEEZ.

-So Carlisle got Eddie first (UH HUH), then Esme, who became Carly's wife. Then he got Rosalie who was supposed to be for Eddie, but Eddie was a virgin who was terrified of girls so Rosie went with Emmett. I think Carly wanted to start his own version of the Partridge Family. Now with 100% more sparkles!

Esme, Carlisle, Emmet, Rosale, Jasper, Edward Bonaduce, Alice. Perfect!

-Jasper was wandering around being all emo when Alice found him and they joined the Cullens. Alice can apparently see the future in a way. I'm amazed that this is actually kind of interesting. We waited this long to hear about interesting characters? sheesh.

-"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" he teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?"

OK, dude. Here's my solution: move to NYC or San Francisco or Las Vegasor fuck it, Berlin. I bet you anything you'll see people parading around any day of the week, covered entirely in glitter, or blue paint and sparkles with their privates hanging out in broad daylight. And it's not like he shines like a freakin' Care Bear. He barely glistens! Do you honestly expect me to believe that the biggest threat to vampires is people freaking out because they SPARKLE?! This is seriously the most bullshit plot device ever invented and I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why Poop chose it. SPARKLING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH SPARKLING?! People would actually like you! The would use you as a disco ball at parties! LOOK AT LIBERACE UP THERE FOR SOBBING OUT LOUD.

ARGH.

-Argh. So. She invites him into her house.

29
"Would you like to?" I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair."


HE EATS CREATURES ALIVE YOU FUCK.

30
Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.

I have think that Poop has to know how ridiculous this sounds, but then I think that this idiot lacks even an ounce of self awareness and she doesn't even begin to see how cringe-worthy that sentence is.

-Ew. he admits to spying on her WHILE SHE SLEEPS and she is flattered.

I might just take that guy's advice


31
"He sat in the very chair I'd tried to picture him in. His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away."

-"I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

OH. HOLY. JESUS. It says everything you need to know about the infinite stupidity of Bella Fucking Swan when you read that she isn't even the slightest bit disturbed by this. Holy saints in heaven.

-""Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it.""

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That's it. I'm going to bed. can't take any more of this garbage for tonight. Done.

**
[It was after that that I stopped reading for two weeks. But you won't be so lucky. Here's where I started back up again]

-And it's been almost 2 weeks since I read any of it. I had put it out of my head and couldn't remember why. I open up the document and...sigh. I hate myself.

-They hear Charlie come in and Eddie disappears. She's all nervous as she serves him dinner.
She finally escapes and Eddie is waiting in her room. IN HER BED. A GIRL'S BED. OH, EDWARD! HOW IMPURE! You'll get girl cooties!

-This is weird. She takes a shower, brushes her teeth, puts on her PJs... all while Eddie waits in her room. With her dad sitting downstairs. Seriously, if this were any other novel, there'd be sexytimes next. HOT sexytimes, because dammit, vampires are supposed to know about this shit. It couldbe AWESOME. But of fucking course...We have the 100 Year Old Virgin who's never touched a girl before.

Aaand now I'm flashing back to that one episode of True Blood where Sookie goes visit Eric and he's in his...dungeon...with the dancer and he's...um..phew. Excuse me.

32
"Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt."

GUYS. SHE ACTUALLY SAID "ADONIS". Like he's at fucking Mr Universe contest and there's some floozy describing him, like this:

I got this when I googled "Adonis". He looks like badly-packaged sausage links.

"Now we have with us sexy, rexy EDWARD!. He is an tanned, buffed Adonis. He's a vampire, but still has a heart and will not mind crying at movies and playing with little babies and puppies. He is confident enough to love his sparkly, oily body! Rawr!"

It's too much, you guys.

- "You look very warm, actually."

DUDE. THROBBING SHAFT AND HEAVING BOSSOM IN 3....2...1... Baaah just another tease.

-Whoa. This is getting pretty heated. Like almost genuinely steamy if you forget that this is Bella the Blob and Edward the Permanent Virgin. It's like every foreplay scene in every romance novel ever. Which is weird considering she's 16 but whatever. Porn for Mormon teens, I guess.

-"So I was wondering…" I began again, but his fingers were slowly tracing my collarbone, and I lost my train of thought."

"Pulsing member" and "alabaster skin throbbing" in 3...2...1...

NOOO! DAMMIT SHE PLAYED ME AGAIN.

-Really, it's such perfect MO for Romance scene: all slow, alone, sexy whispered words...at 16. Ick. I don't know about you guys, but I don't get worked up over teenagers getting frisky. Ick ick ick.

- It's like she completely veered off from this stupid tale of chaste, teenage love into complete adult territory. OMG PG-13. And I'm annoyed because you know it won't go anywhere but also I HATE MYSELF because a part of me is like "oh my!" and this close buying this shit. And if I weren't, you know, me, I probably would. And then I'd want to kill her for being a tease. And I know that they don't even have sex until like 500 books in and even then it's offstage. What a fucking tease.

And that, children, is where Fan-fiction comes from.

- "He picked up one of my hands and pressed it lightly to his face."

This guy is so utterly ridiculous. I would've laughed in his face and broken his heart, poor thing.

-"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

They're talking about him drinking her blood of course, but we all knwo what this is about: THE SEX. The dirty, dirty sex that must not be named. Como se dice 'no sex before marriage?'

-"And it will be harder tomorrow,"

Tee-hee-hee. I'm SURE IT WILL. I am 12 years old.

-"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner."'

OMG who talks like this. Again--it's pretty obvious that she made him a 100 year old vampire so he can spout off shit like this without us all laughing in his face. Doesn't work for me, though. So:

HA HAHAHAAHA . Edward you are a gigantic cheeseball.

One of those. But sparklier.

- Apparently he first went into her room at night after he saw that Mike was liking her.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted."

NO. NO THIS WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. NO.

-"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me,"

I knew it. I fucking knew it. There it is: Bella is gonna "cure" and change the bad boy. As all Mary Sues will make the bad boy better.

Advice to girls that will go unheeded forever: you can't change people. And you certainly can't cure an stalkery, abusive asshole. Eddie will never stop stalking Bella. But that's OK because he LOVES her.

-So if you don't want to sleep…" he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
"If I don't want to sleep… ?"
He chuckled. "What do you want to do then?""

MAKE OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY MAKE OUT AND HAVE SEX AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. GEEEEEZ.

THIS PAIN WILL NEVER END.

-"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."

*cue massive raise in sales of freesia perfumes*

Shouldn't she smell like...steak or at least freakin' pancakes or syrup or something actually appetizing? Or is Edward such a damn girl that he likes to eat flowers? I'd like to think it's the latter.

-So he tells her why he's a Sissy Vampire. Something about thinking himself better than other vampires, of course. And how he never asked for it, blah blah. Why are the vampires in books never the cool ones? The Suffering Vampire cliche is so tired.


- "Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness."

The Cullen clan's super powers. SNORE. Oh, and Jasper can control people's emotions. Lovely. Eddie can read minds because he was probably a perverted peeping tom in his life.

-"I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was."

Girls, remember. We must control ourselves so as not to make the Dirty Boy Minds break with Dirty Impure Thoughts. We are their downfall and therefore must learn to keep ourselves pure and demure.

-She asks if vampires have sex, and she sounds very 16 years old for a moment, which is kind of nice. But then Eddie says how he'd be dangerous and too strong or whatever, and once again we get the weird note of abuse going on.

33
"He laughed, and then began to hum that same, unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel, soft in my ear."

SHE FINALLY FALLS ASLEEP!! HALLELUJAH THE CHAPTER IS DONE!!! SING PRAISE !!!

HALLELUJAH GODTOPUS BE PRAAAAAISED!

*
Falls over*

***

Oh God I thought that would never end. I'm so sorry, you guys. Let's finish this.

Final Impression: I learned that sex before marriage is BAD and that boys can hurt you with sex and so you should not tempt them or show them your ankles. For they will want to suck your blood.

Final Grade: -Z . I didn't think it could get worse than that Z- last time, but there you go.

Final "Pretty" Count: 34

This almost killed me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 13

Phew, we're back. I know you missed it. And lucky you! this is not only a very long chapter, it's also the sparkling one. Help me, jeebus.

3-2-1, let's jam.*

*I heartily apologize for associating Cowboy Bee Bop with this monstrosity.

Chapter 13: Confessions
[Aka: In the future one of Poop's big Confessions will be that she stole every idea for this book from the Outlander series and her 12 year-old sister's journal]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 15

Quick n Hard Summary:
Sparklutz are still at the Meadow of Unfulfilled Fantasies. Eddie takes his shirt off, he sparkles for some unexplained reason. They have some weirdly pornographic foreplay that never goes anywhere and it's all very disturbing because he so badly wants to screw eat uh...do something to Klutz. And Klutz just wants to bone him. That's pretty much it, but it's wrapped around so much horror that I just have to post a lot of quotes, because otherwise I'm afraid you guys just wouldn't believe me. It's horrifying. Like...I'm actually terrified of going back to some of these quotes. Just. Beyond horrifying. I'm not even kidding. I'm warning you. Read at your own risk. Brr.

Just let me tell you that I spent the entire chapter with my face like this:



Scared enough? OK.

Real-Time Notes:

-16
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,though of course he didn't sleep.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Oh God it keeps going.

-17:
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

She stares at him for about 2 pages straight. And I'm only quoting the very worst of this stuff. Consider yourselves lucky.

-18:
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…

Gah! The Pretty-O-Meter is gonna set itself on fire soon. Much like my brain.

What pisses me off the most is that (once again) there's just NO reason why his skin glitters. Why the fuck would it do that? Vampires are supposed to be MONSTERS, for fuck's sake. They suck the blood of humans and are cursed and soulless. THEY ARE DEAD. THEY DIED AND WERE GIVEN UNNATURAL LIFE. That's their defining characteristic. Yet this pretty little fuck gets to sparkle like he's filled with sugar and goodness? WHY? Because Poop just decided it'd be so and so it is. It's infuriating in its stupidity. In short, Bella is in love with a fucking living statue who is covered in glitter. A mannequin. Congratulations, you win at life.

And it just makes you wonder why Poop had to go and ruin everything that was cool about vampires by making this idiot into one. He could have been some immortal, a highlander or whatever the hell. Why make him a vampire if you're going to take away EVERYTHING that makes him a vampire? Fucking weak.

- So Bella starts touching him in all kinds of dirty ways and it's really...pornographic. Specially for a novel written by some Mormon chick. Repressed urges and unfulfilled fantasies, whee!

19
-I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.

Sigh. This is so gross. and repetitive and boring. Also...wait, how does he even have blue veins?! VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE A CIRCULATION. The fuck, Poop! At least keep your shit straight! Basic biology FAIL.

20
His angel's face was only a few inches from mine.

SEE. What the fuck is there to say about this other than it's super cheesy and stupid brainless girls (and grown women) will love the shit out of it no matter how horribly it's written?

- -HAHAHAHAH so Bella ALMOST kisses him and he ZOOMS the fuck away and I die. He actually goes up a tree or something. Man, I get a feeling Bella's gonna be one unsatisfied chick before all this is over.

-Um. So this is very implicitly stating that they want to bone each others' brains out. Pardon the graphic nature of that, but it's true. They want to make out like HELL but he's 'dangerous' or whatever the hell. Warning girls: making out with boys is dangerous because it could lead to bad places! like they could suck your blood and kill you!

- Aaaand then Eddie Sparkles maims a tree in his desperation. ME MANLY MAN ME RIP TREE SO ME DON'T RAVISH YOUS.

21
-"I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I'd never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He'd never been less human… or more beautiful."

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK. So basically Eddy could be a fucking psycho killer but that's OK because he's so cute! And I'll be OK so long as he has some trees to destroy! NO! FUCK YOU.

22
-His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement.

- He keeps saying "don't be afraid", but I just get more and more disturbed because this is just too weird and veering freakishly close to, well, rapey. Like any second now I expect some abuse to go down because he can't "contain himself". Because he loves her so. Ick. It's so messed up. Even worse is that we're supposed to feel like this is super romantic. And some people actually do.

- So finally it comes out that Eddie's never been in love. Hee. the 1000 year old virgin. OK he's not 1000. They mentioned his age but I didn't care.

23
-[His voice was] Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice.

-She comments on how moody he is, what with going from romantic to super violent to quiet again. Whee! violent and bipolar! yay! my dream!

-""It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." He stopped, and I looked to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.I thought for a moment. "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway," I said."

Jesus, he wants to EAT you you stupid bitch. I know you're only 16 but come ON. Did they not have Stephen King books in fucking Phoenix? This chick is supposed to be a big fan of books but she hasn't read Bram Stoker? bullshit.

And it just occurred to me that, well, of course Bella's not going to believe that he's dangerous for her. Both because she's an idiot and because he hasn't shown himself to be really dangerous. A better writer would have created some actual conflict between these two, so that there would be something for Bella to overcome. As it is, they're both so perfect and Eddie is so harmless that there's absolutely no conflict at all. And it's just incredibly boring.

- "So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."


O_O

Excuse me. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. WHAT THE FUCK. Healthy AND romantic? OH EDWARD MARRY ME. IS THIS SHIT FOR SERIOUS?! Argh. You know, I've had people tell me that "Twilight isn't so bad". That it's just poorly written but harmless. Well that's bullshit. This stuff is messed up beyond anything I've ever read. And it would be nothing if it weren't so popular. As it is, it's popularity just makes it seem MORE messed up to me.

-"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone."

And, um, eat you.

This is some of the weirdest stuff I have EVER read. Meyer has gigantic issues. There's just this horrible tone of abuse and just PSYCHO surrounding this whole thing and Edward Cullen. People actually find this guy romantic? I do get that it's some people's fantasy to be ravished by some dude who can't control himself from lust or whatever, but this isn't just about sex. This guy is an actual bloodsucker. Who's just as soon kill Bella as kiss her. I don't know what kind of person has a fantasy like that, to be honest.

-"Listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."

*Snort*. Neither is Bella's, cupcake. If you really liked her for her brains you'd know that.

-"Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life."



I am horrified. I'm staring at the computer and just...oh god. I'm cold all over. BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK.WORDS CANNOT CONVEY MY HORROR RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS. SOMEONE HOLD ME.

-"Isabella." He pronounced my full name carefully, then playfully ruffled my hair with his free hand."

Like she's a dog. I swear just when I think this can't get any worse. My god.

24
-"He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."



THAT MAKES EVERYTHING OK THEN I GUESS. By the way, I got that picture when I googled "agonized". Yup.

-"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to
the word.
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."


Vomit. Yay inter-species, fucked up love where one could eat the other but won't because they are SO PRECIOUS.

NO NO NO NO NO. HELL NO.

-There's this whole gross thing like "he'll only hurt me because he WANTS me so! he hurts me because he LOVES me! it's OK ! I want to make it better for you to not hurt me! please love me!" and it just makes me sick.

- So they kinda rub up against each other some more and it's just plain weird. could be romantic but not after that fucknuttery that just happened.

25
I traced the shape of his perfect nose, and then, so carefully, his flawless lips.

-""But…" His fingers touched my lips lightly, making me shiver again. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."


In 100 years no one's given this kid the bees and the birds talk? Eesh, can you imagine anything worse than this guy? Give Bella ten seconds with Eric the Viking and she'll be all "Eddie who? Take me to your lair of vampire pleasures!" and then she'd be fine.

-Oh thank god it's over. He makes her climb onto his back and they take off across the forest like howler monkeys. Or Tarzan dragging his bride home by the hair. That would be cool if this weren't so sickening. Heehee. she gets nauseous. Finally, we agree on something.

-26
His beauty stunned my mind — it was too much, an excess I couldn't grow accustomed to.

Really? We're all sick to death of it.

-They kiss and his lips are cold, and I think of how incredibly unpleasant that would be after a while.

-"Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent."

WOOOHOO! YEAH YOU GO BELLA! YOU WANTON HARLOT! WHEEEEEE!

He pulls back. Pansy.

-27
How lighthearted, how human he seemed as he laughed now, his seraphic face untroubled.

Seraphic! Is this the end of the thesaurus entry?

-IT'S OVER.

Brr. I feel like I've gone through the gauntlet. It hurts. Everything hurts.

Final Impression: I don't think I need to tell you. Horrified beyond anything in the world is a good summation of what that chapter was like. There were *17* mentions of how pretty Eddie is, and that tells you everything you need to know. Poop continues to ruin vampirism in every way imaginable. I continue to hate myself for reading this. The end.

Final Grade: Z minus.

Final "Pretty Count: 27

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Quickie

So, you want to know what StatCounter says are the two things that bring people to this blog the most (aside from people coming from Pajiba)? ]

1) Hot men
2) People hating Jacob from TWOP

That's pretty hilarious. You wouldn't believe how many people come to my blog from googling "Jacob TWOP hate" or some variation thereof. I find it both amusing and really--what? relieving? that so many people seem to dislike that guy as much as I do. I haven't even looked at his True Blood recaps in ages (Cindy on Pajiba does a much, much better job and doesn't take 49 pages to recap one episode). Actually, I haven't visited TWOP in forever except to check the results of So You Think You Can Dance.

Can't say that I'm not curious. I might just write an update on it, though I feel dirty just looking at his posts and how he gives EVERY episode of that show an A+, which is ridiculous. But I might.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Freebies: 2010 Edition (With Picture Flood!)

I'm a little late for this, but Pajiba posted its annual list of the 10 Most Bangable Celebrities on the Planet , as chosen by the readers. It's a great list, even if I don't completely agree with it (only one of the men would be on my top 10). What's great about it, I think, is that you won't see another list quite like that on the internet. Like the intro says:

You won’t find Shia LaBeouf here, or Megan Fox, or Scarlett Johansson, and you sure as hell won’t find anyone from Twilight. But what you will find are celebrities who mix sex appeal with smart movies and TV, with occasionally risky career choices, and with intelligent senses of humor.

Damn true. And that's why I like the actual voting almost as much as the final list--I finally got to see people who had 'freebies' lists that were eerily close to mine. Plus it's just a lot of fun.

And the best thing about it is that it allows me to make this post, with a real flood of photos of the men I'd put in my top 5. I mean, listen, I know it's a completely frivolous exercise, but it's my blog and I'll objectify if I want to. Plus, I also like their brains (no! for real!).

That plus, according to StatCounter, I get most of my page hits from people looking for photos of hot men.

God, you people are perverts. I spoil you so.

Here we go!

My Freebies List, 2010 Edition

1. Eric Bana

I've said enough about this guy for everyone to know how I feel about him. And my complete approval of him was reinforced by watching The Time Traveler's Wife a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't the greatest movie (and definitely an inferior adaptation) but goodness, he was gorgeous in it. I think he's more than a decent actor, and it's a real shame that he hasn't really broken through to a higher level of fame. He needs to get better roles. The guy's a great dramatic actor and just beautiful to look at. He does a passable American accent, but his native Australian one is very appealing. He can also be very, very funny. He's hilarious and just plain likable in interviews. So here's to hoping this is his year.











2. Alexander Skarsgard
The Super Swede is a new addition to my list, after he quickly rocketed himself up to the top of my favorites thanks to True Blood. And I usually don't even like blond, blue-eyed men. But there's always an exception to the rule, and this guy is it. He's tall, lean, intense, beautiful. He's also a great actor, and his Eric Northman in True Blood quickly became my favorite character. Everything from the way he talks to the way he moves gives life to the character, and it doesn't hurt that he's either shirtless or fully naked in just about every episode. Now he's a vampire who'd be worth it. And he doesn't even SPARKLE. Seriously, Edward. Stop trying.







3. Naveen Andrews
I honestly think that one of the biggest reasons I was so upset when Lost ended is that it was the end of my Weekly BeefCake Night. When are we gonna show like that again, where 90% of the cast was gorgeous and spent most of their time either shirtless or wet? Never, that's when.

And I will miss Sayid the most. I don't know if he'll be on my list next year (unless he shows up in another TV show SOON) but he'll always be on my top 10. He's a truly great actor, has an incredibly sexy accent. And the skin, the hair, the eyes, the mouth? Those don't hurt either.







4. Christian Bale
OK, so the guy might be a bit of a hardass who yells at people a lot. But I'm not gonna get into all that craziness. Dammit, he's one of the best actors of his generation. He's intense, to say the least, and it comes through in his films. He's also unnaturally good looking. That's an extra.

Plus, he's freakin' Batman. Best superhero of all time. Don't even need to say more.







(I love that first photo)

5. Jon Hamm
I think a quote from Tina Fey on 30 Rock sums this man up pretty well:
"He looks like a comic book pilot!"

Be honest now. Is there a more perfect example of dashing out there? The chiseled jaw, the eyebrows, the eyes, the hair. The way he wears a suit better than anyone else on the planet. How goofy he can be. Just about every single interview I've seen him do has the interviewer in a titter and there's ALWAYS some comment made on how good looking he is (and keep in mind that most of these interviewers are MEN). I mean, it was the theme of his entire run on 30 Rock! I'm only sad that it took so long for me (and the world, I think) to discover him in Mad Men. And the man can do everything. He's suave as hell, is a brilliant dramatic actor and has great comedic timing as well--his episode of SNL was possibly the only one I've enjoyed all the way through and NOT just because of how damn good looking he is.

A friend of mine and I have decided that he needs to star in a superhero movie, NOW. He suggested a Superman 2 remake. I heartily concur.







That's a good looking dude.

**

And ta-da! Here's a couple of Honorable Mentions that I keep moving around depending on my mood or how often I see them.

You can't have enough hot men, I say.

Honorable Mention #1:

Reynaldo Gianecchini




Brazilian soap opera star, all around gorgeous guy.

Honorable Mention #2:

Sean Bean



Best looking man in all of England, I think.

Honorable Mention #3:

Alan Rickman




It's the voice. Oh, Colonel Brandon...

**

Alright! Hope you've enjoyed yourselves as much as I did. I love doing these things--it's my firm belief that everyone needs to indulge in a little silliness now and then.

MrFig understands.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Quickie! Airing of the Grievances: 10 Things That Gross Me Out

1. Men with really long fingernails. Ick. ICK.
2. Long toenails on everybody. CUT YOUR TALONS.
3. Feet, in general. But more than anything, people touching MY feet.
4. green peppers
5. Letting dogs get on the bed
6. Beer, the smell of beer
7. Incense
8. Hair Gel, men with lots of it in their hair
9. giant bugs of any kind. Even big butterflies gross me out.
10. Taco Bell

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Pain: Chapter 12

Gah. It's been too long. I promise I won't take this long again. Though for all I know no one wants to see anymore of this, but I gotta post something and this gives me a chance to unleash all the snark and annoyance I've had pent up inside. It's like bad therapy, because it just makes me more angry to remember what I've read.

Anyway. Here we go.

**

Chapter 12: Balancing
[aka: Balancing the deep nausea this book gives me with some medicinal snark]

Variations on "Edward is Pretty" used so far: 12 (that means there were FOUR mentions in the last chapter alone!)

Quick n' Hard Summary:

To catch up: Oh God. I remember now. This is the prelude to the Sparkling chapter. This is it, people. Sparklutz go to school, nothing happens. On the sunny weekend they go up into the mountain and Edward's favorite place (a meadow where he keeps his Bambis and such). The chapter ends just before he takes off his shirt and reveals to the world that he's the world's first human disco ball.

Quick Notes:
--Billy, Charlie's friend, brings over Jacob who wants to see Bella. Billy embarrasses Jacob and it's kind of cute.

-Jacob is all curious about who drover her home, and starts questioning her as if he has any right to do so. Bella wisely refuses to answer at first, but she tells him eventually because she has no spine.

-Billy wants to warn Charlie about Bella going out with Edward, but leaves before he can do so. Spoiler alert (heh, like I could spoil this any further): Jacob and his dad are werewolves, who don't like the vampires for some stupid reason.

- -Next day. Ed comes to pick her up.

13
"I couldn't imagine how an angel could be anymore glorious.There was nothing about him that could be improved upon."

..........And now let me tell you about the wave of pure, soul-crushing embarrassment that rose up in me when I read that sentence. You know those times when you feel so completely embarrassed for someone because they have just made a complete and total ass out of themselves and they don't know it?

That was one of those moments. I hate myself for feeling embarrassed for Stephanie Meyer, but I do. Did she have no friends who could tell her how bad that was? Just someone to say "Oh, honey, no" (H/T the FugGirls) ? Poor thing.

- They talk about Bella some more. Snore. Eesh. If you were 1000 years old, wouldn't you have thought of something better to do for all eternity than learn the life history of incredibly mundane 16 year olds? The answer: not if you're Edward "Creep" Cullen.

-Him and Alice are going hunting that weekend so that Eddie won't want to kill Bella when they're alone anymore. Lovely! And Bella dares him to go into her house and find the keys to her truck or something. Hint: they are literally in her pants.

-Alice is apparently the only one who supports his stupid crush. Hmmph.

-Here we go again:

I told you — you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

WISH FULFILLMENT MOMENT. YAY! What every girl wants to hear from her favorite stalker/creep! He says Bella takes him by surprise, blah blah the usual crap.

I don't understand how he says Bella takes him by surprise. Bella is -by her own admission, and from everything we know about her- incredibly predictable and mundane. So it's just such a fucking lazy way of getting around the problem of actually making Bella interesting or distinguishable in any way whatsoever. She's an empty puppet with no personality, so that we can all feel like we're her. We put ourselves in her place and can be adored by the Perfect Boy of Perfection. Blergh.

Now I totally get the appeal of this shit.

However (and this is a BIG However), there's also the somewhat unsurprising news that most Twilight fans hate Bella Swan while loving the hell out of Edward. But...I don't get how you can get past the fact that this guy is enough of a jackass to fall in love with a girl who is worthless? Or is it a case of "oh, if only he knew ME! I bet he couldn't read my mind either and I'm tons more interesting! I collect Ponys!"? I think it's just that they decide to ignore that one little thing and focus on the "romantic" things he says and his prettiness and whatever. Feh.

- Eddie introduces Klutz to his "sisters". Alice is nice, Rosalie is a bitch, then Edward leaves and Bella goes into a funk. Wah wah waaaah.

-OK so Ed's not there so you know whatever happens next won't matter. I'll keep it short:

Mike (who?) is still jealous. Ed brought her truck to school anyway--Which means, boys and girls, that he snuck into her house, searched through her clothes and got her keys from her pants. For some reason Bella lies to everyone about going to Seattle on the weekend. I probably missed something there but who cares. She does laundry and thinks about Ed some more.

-"Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."

Yeah, pretty much. And that's fucking insane and for the love of God, woman, don't be such a twat. She can't sleep. She should read Twilight! BADUM-TSSH.

I kill me.

- Next day he shows up, they're wearing matching outfits. Snerk. she feels inadequate. OH, so I just realized that they're not going to Seattle. heh. I guess they're going hiking. Better cover her head-to-toe in bubblewrap.

-14 (oh this is priceless):

His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.

Me: *GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG*

-Almost immediately we get #15!

15:
I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

Me: The fuck? Just DO him already.

- HAAA! HE BROUGHT HER TO A MEADOW. Are there Bambis there? Bambis and Thumpers frolicking through the woods basking in the light of Edward's perfection and singing to him about how pretty he is while he responds about how he wants to find the love of his life in a dream made of rainbows and marshmallow unicorns? ARE THERE BAMBIS THERE BELLA?! ARE THERE? CAN YOU HEAR THE BAMBIS SINGING TONIGHT, BELLA?*

I cannot stop laughing. And now I'm gonna start crying because I so know what's coming up.

-AND THE CHAPTER ENDS. Oh, you whore.

*[I think that was me trying to quote Silence of the Lambs but I was laughing too hard to do it properly]

**

Final Impression: Yay! yet another useless chapter that is also mildly offensive to women!

Final Grade: D-, but only because the next one is the WORST.

"Pretty" count: 15

Monday, July 12, 2010

It was gonna be The Pain but then it wasn't.

A couple of quick notes first:

1) The awesome Ranylt from Pajiba started a great new blog where Pajibans can post their delicious recipes. We seem to eat a lot of good food. I'm contributing with some Honduran/Latin American recipes and there's loads of good stuff there. It's called Godtopus Eats and it's great.

2) I can't believe the World Cup is over. One month every four years is just not enough to satisfy my cravings for yelling at the TV over the one sport I really care about.

As a whole, I think it was probably my favorite WC that I can remember after France '98. There were some excellent games, a lot of goals and some very exciting shakeups. New stars, big teams failing, little teams getting to where they had never seen before. It was just so much fun, and I can't wait for the next one.

As for the win? I don't think Spain deserved it, but I honestly don't think the Dutch deserved it either, though I would've been happy if they had won, because it's about time. My reasons why I hate Spain are manifold and not worth getting into now. I mean, they've won. Nothing I can do about it. I just never liked their team (with the exception of Casillas) or the way they played and never will. Plus it was a terrible final. I'm kind of glad we had a new champion. My choice to win it all would have been Uruguay, whom I think really surpassed anyone's expectations. Good job on Forlan getting best player of the Cup, though. He deserved it.

I did like Casillas, though. Dude's sweet.

It's over and that makes me sad. It was a good one.

3) I'm about halfway through Mark Danielewsky's House of Leaves. It's another one of those books that Pajibans rave about, and because I trust them I had to buy it even if the price was a little steep. And I've just been burning through it. I can't even begin to describe it properly. All I can say is that it's a deeply disturbing book about a haunted house (but much, much more than that) that's written all bizarre and confusing...it's just plain weird to read. And while I'm reading I might be a little disconcerted but not spooked, and there's long passages where nothing really happens, but when I put it down it just...it's worked its way into my brain, and it's just freaky. This is a terrible description but I can't figure out a way to word it properly. The book is formatted all bizarre, and there's a story within a story within a story and it all works to make you feel slightly off balance. It's quite an experience, but leaves me so spooked at night that I have to read a couple of pages of something completely mindless: in this case a 50c book I picked up at B&N) called Confessions of a Manhattan Callgirl, because I'm nothing if not a study in contradiction.

ANYWAY. Feh, now I don't even want to write about Twilight because it so pales in comparison to even that SECOND book I'm reading. I think I'll go take a shower --oh good lord it's 1pm I am so gross-- and then come back to The Pain